Ôko

Elana, A cracking read and as Cheryl states below. Very easy to get lost deep in the story. Brilliant use of your characters and a flow to match too. I can see this doing well and have to say that this is a very intelligent piece of writing for which I enjoyed. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? many thanks. Sean

Your writing is polished and has a great flow. Having just read your first chapter, I look forward to reading more. I have just a nagging feeling that the end scene in ch. one might have carried on for just a beat or two longer giving us just a bit more of this conversation.

Terry Madden
Three Wells of the Sea

Well written and unique premise. This deserves to advance.
BACKED!
Good luck

-Trenor
The Lords of Invention

I only had time to read about five chapters, but I intend to finish. So far the story intrigues, and draws me in more and more. I was hooked from the beginning and the story just keeps getting better. The only criticism I can make is that there are several places where words are missing. One person mentioned the phrase "out the window" and that is the type of missing words I'm referring to. Just some simple editing and it will help the story to flow much more smoothly. Every time i come across a missing word it jolts me out of the story.

I want to know what happens next!
I'm actually outraged that you only uploaded the chapters you have.
Personally I think you should upload the rest just for me so I can find out what happens next ... please?
Failing that could you please let me know when it get's published so I can buy a copy?

Gosh, this is good. I've been on-line for a few hours and every book I've looked at today has been so good; yours well up there amongst them. Well written, a good 'hook,' immediate empathy with the 'heroine,' a fascinating thought-provoking idea behind it all. Brilliant!
Andrea

Hi there,

i've only read the first two chapters of this, but i am loving it so far. You write so well, and so fluently. There will be space for your book on my shelf very soon.
I cant offer any helpful critique at the moment as i havent found anything which needed critiquing, its brilliant. Hopefully i will be able to offer you sopme helpful advice when i delve further.

High stars, good luck

Claire C Riley
Limerence

Elena,
What an evocative tale you have here. Kadri is a likable MC, surrounded by death but not immune to feeling horrified by it. Her relationship with her brother is endearing, as is her unrequited love for Ejan. There is a lot to think about in whether messing around with genetics is ethical or even safe. Best wishes with this, and high stars.
Kate

Wow . . . this is bloody. Such a ravaged world. I’m interested in learning a bit more about the genetic experiments that took place in trying to deal with the blood triangles. Something clearly went very wrong. People so often seem to think that genetic manipulation will help humankind – it may easily bring disaster. I like following a character who hasn’t become hardened by all of the death around her, and who has, in a way, surrendered to her fate but in another way is still fighting to hold on. I’d like to see what the blood shamans are like as well, with such ancient techniques re-arising in a futuristic world.

Hi Elena,

Just a quick message - I read your 1st chapter while at work, so don't have time right now for a longer crit, but this is great stuff. I'll be reading more this evening and see about a proper review. Gripping stuff so far, great idea.

Dekkle.

Hey, Elena! It's me, Carrie. I just recently retired my old account and made this new one under my full name. I decided to post a proper comment on Oko from this account, because this book without a doubt in my top three favorite online books of all time. It's actually been months since I've read this, but it still comes back to me all the time. My heart still breaks for Kadri at the loss of her brother. I was so intrigue by the science in this and so frustrated that I was never able to read this whole book. I really, really hope that one day I can.

Six-Starred and backed eternally... well, until that is authonomy or this book or I do not exist anymore.
Carrie L McRae (one of your biggest fans)

Great book so far. I will read more and maybe comment on at a later date. I am putting your book on my shelf now and highly rating. Good luck.

Elena,

I read the first chapter today. Interesting. Good pace and descriptiveness. I love anything distopian like this and we are immediately drawn in and made to feel what Kadri is feeling.

A few minor points follow. I could'nt find much but I hate to review without making creative suggestions. I hope they will be useful...

*licked her metal-tasting lip corner where the blood... sounds slightly akward to me - would be alright several pages in but the first paragraph has to be perfect so, at the risk of splitting hairs, would '...licked the corner of her lip, where the metallic tasting blood...' sound better?
*burst out her mouth... needs an 'of' after 'out'
*out the window... 'out of the window'. Actually this is one of my most frequent comments on Authonomy. I know it sounds perfectly OK and normal in the US but to British ears it sounds more like an uneducated British person than a normal US one (if you see what I mean)...

I've given you high stars and will find a slot on my bookshelf for you at some point (long list of commitments just now but you will get a slot, I promise!)

Looking forward to your views on Horizons and if you like it I'd be honoured if you star/back it as you feel appropriate!

Warm regards,

Robert

Although I only have time tonight to read one chapter, I am so glad i actually clicked on 'read' after stumbling across this book and reading your bio and pitch. I gather that you are pretty much going straight to publishing with this - so no long-winded review. My overall impression was of a dark, mostly ruined and somewhat sinister world - a direct result of human stupidity - in which you have also created this mystery of those who will live and those who will die. Although we do not know much about Kadri as yet, I'm already rooting for her to survive - or at least to 'make' it through whatever is about to come.
There is plenty in just this first chapter that I want to know more about - great hook to keep the reader going - such as why is Anton the Librarian, what is 'wrong' with Kadri and those like her, who are Georg's 'clients', what is the Dead Walk, and who is the stranger that fills Kadri with such fear as she overhears him arguing with George? All of these teasers in one chapter, in excellent prose with some great descriptive touches, makes this a stand-out read. On my WL for 'to be continued...'
Kim
The Seventh Gate

You've captured mood, set a mysterious atmosphere, and connected me to Kadri from the first paragraph. I'm intrigued. The plot is gripping. The writing is superb, descriptive, fluid. I liked the foreign words, of course, to give it the authentic feel. Totally suspenseful ending. Some of your descriptions are phenomenal, i.e., "rusted car carcass" that create not only imagery, but an inescapable eeriness. The dialogue sounded easy flowing, natural. I will enjoy reading to the very end.
Donna
No Kiss Goodbye

Ok, so I read this book earlier today and you know what? I'll tell you what: I can't stop thinking about it.
Please oh please post new chapters.


Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssssssssse?

Oh I see, the weird dream she had before: she had consumed the Cype or something?
At any rate, please please please please please(x infinity) post more chapters.

And just for good measure: Please!

Anton's nephew= I wonder if it's Eks? oh gosh, I have to keep on reading....such a good story! goodness!

Eks: Somehow, I think he's more empathetic or sympathetic than he acts. I can't help for some reason, liking him, though I know I shouldn't.

Chapter eight was another great chapter.

The only critique I have that's negative is some spelling, but that is so minor and near unimportant that I don't really think it's to be worried about :)

Chapter five is ridiculously good: I don't know if your intention was to make the chapter a blend of reality and dream, but that is precisely what it was. I am still unsure of what is real and what isn't. The blood splatters are real, but that man--I wonder. and what about the boys that kept disappearing? This story is very addicting, I have to say. I should be doing some work right now, but instead, I can't pull myself away from your novel.

Chapter three was very sinister and dark.
One thing though that I thought was well done was the charaterization of Kadri: I could empathize with her very well, and you created a strong character in her in the sense that I could understand what she was feeling and what she felt about herself. You hinted at things, like she went to the back of the procession, and how she didnt glance at the dead body, etc. Well written chapter in terms of characterization. The plot is also going well.

Oh wow, what a most intriguingly excellent first chapter!!
I am very much enjoying the idea of DNA and the immune system collapse, and of course, Karid's photographic memory. The mind is most amazing, isn't it?
I will now be going on to read chapter two.
I would type more, but I want to get on with the story!!

Very impressive, dark and disturbing. Your world is bleak but believable, your characters are well drawn and appealing. I like the Dead Walk concept and would like to know a little more about it, but I can see that the background is threaded into the story so I'll just have to carry on reading!
Georg is a very unorthodox kind of a main character, what he is and his relationship with the mafia boss. That Ejan wants Georg rather than Kadri (or Ana) is a nice twist and avoids the conventional love interest themes.
I have an almost empty shelf, so I'm putting Oko on it while I read some more.
J

Re-read Chapter 12, wishing there was more posted. Oko looks great. There's really nothing to critique!

SW
Devil Went Down

Hey Elena,

So I wanted to get you a return read as quickly as possible, because I didn't want you to feel neglected. Thus, I have only gotten through three chapters, but I did take some notes down, and they'll be below. Please let me know if I was of any help to you, and if you'd like me to read on -- of course, I am unqualified to comment on writing, or anything in general, but I will anyway.

A nit-pick: perfectly stark red seems very redundant, to me, anyway.

You've used 'began' in the beginning of this chapter when I think it should be 'begun'. Something about ...begun to dry. Talking about the blood, I think.

I noticed you are very verbose when it comes to little things, like the soap, in chapter one, but I'll hold off on casting judgments, because I am not sure if this is simply your style.

You mentioned chewed maps -- I don't know if I missed something, but it got me wondering if this man has PICA or if there are rats roaming his apartment.

The sentence "...that startled a snorting laugh" read very awkwardly, but this may be because I am an idiot.

LOVED : ....once belonged to a lover too besotted or two stupid to watch his tongue.

You do a good job at using occasional snarky humor to break up what is generally dark material. Something I enjoyed was the dialogue, and I am going to go out on a limb here and say it's your strongest point. I could see these characters interacting through their words, and it really made them come alive, in my mind.

One thing I wasn't crazy about was the names. This is relative, of course. I spent a lot of time trying to work out in my overtaxed little mind, exactly how to pronounce them. I sat there scratching my head and pondering it for a while, but then I just gave up and moved the fuck on, because I knew I'd never get it. But this is just me, I am guessing, I just loathe names that are too out there, because sometimes I feel that the author is trying too hard to make their characters 'exotic'. This may be the norm with sci-fi and/or fantasy, but I couldn't really tell you, since I generally try to steer clear of the genre because normally I really hate it.

This was very long winded. Sorry about that. Can't believe I called you verbose now ;)

M

P.S again, let me know if I was helpful!

Sorry it's been a while, I will try to get some corrections to you when I have time :) I like your book more than most on here because it is easy to read, you write in a way that is more relaxing and not as wordy as some on here (you don't try too hard!). I'll be back soon!

Refreshingly different I like the way you don't launch into prolonged descriptions of the world but rather build up our knowledge piece by piece. An example is the triangles, you mention the colours as we go along whereas a lot of writes would have launched into a paragraph describing all the different colours at the first opportunity.
Another plus point is your setting, Eastern Europe making a change from a post apocalyptic USA and it all adds to the uniqueness of your story.
I've only read a couple of chapters but as my battery is about to go I thought I would comment now and then return later. Overall I think this is really good, you have grabbed my attention with not only the uniqueness of the setting but also your plot and characters. Compared to some books on the site this has a slow start but there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and I think it is to your credit that you have written something so engaging with such a steady pace.
Highly starred and I hope to get chance to read more soon.

James

This book really grabbed my attention.
Its well written, its an intriguing storyline filled with suspense.
All the time you know something worse than death is going to happen to Kadri - but what is it?.
Great descriptions and vivid images.
Junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Elena,
I’ve only had time to read the first three chapters. I’ll be reading more, but I’ll give you my thoughts so far. I very much enjoyed this and found it flowed well. You have created a world that sticks in the mind, provokes thought, even in the lightly sketched way it is portrayed. I think that Oko possibly suffers from the same complaint as my stuff, the story race ahead and occasionally leave the reader behind. You know exactly what’s going on and why, but sometimes it would be helpful to clarify.
You have a great opening, Kadri finding the dreaded red spot, and you describe her emotions very well. The triangle business isn’t a problem as it is explained as we read. What did pull me up short rather was in the cart being driven back to the village, I realised I didn’t know whereabouts the famous pillow had been, and why it had been slept on during the day leaving Kadri to wander the streets at night. I had to go back and reread to work out that she had been staying in Georg’s apartment, and when Georg takes her back for breakfast it is only an impression that this is the first time she’s been there on that particular trip. Might be just me, but I found it confusing.

Something that made me smile to myself and I wondered if it was said tongue in cheek was:
‘Father Sarat wasn’t a superstitious man.’

I liked the interaction with Ana at the orphanage and the ambiguity over Ejan. The description of the body, especially the smell of it was very evocative. Again though, I would have liked a bit more detail about life inside the orphanage.

This is a great story, which I would have described as a cross-over YA/Adult genre, and as I said it lingers in the mind in a disturbing sort of way. I would have liked more detail of the world, more description and scene setting, but I love descriptions. This isn’t classified young adult so you could get away with taking the pace slower and dwelling more on the details like what Hill looks like, how the countryside has been changed, what the dead zone feels like. I only say this because I felt it was such a realistic situation, there was nothing I didn’t believe in, I simply wanted more of it.
I’ll certainly read more – as you’ll have guessed, I’m hooked.
Six stars from me, and on my shelf waiting list.
Jane

YARG Review: Your book has a fascinating concept, which is very original. I liked the description of Kadri and her condition, and think your cover is fantastic.

I thought your opening chapter worked well with the introduction of Kadri, and as I said, her condition. I also liked the description of the futuristic Estonia, with the gangs roaming the streets, making the place very dangerous. I can just imagine dilapidated buildings and broken down cars. The map making aspect is cool, something that would be of interest to your intended audiences: SciFi, Fantasy and Young Adult.

I only have one suggestion in regards to editing. There was a sentence in the first paragraph that I didn't think worked. It's in regards to this line:

She licked her metal-tasting lip corner where the blood had already began to dry. (Most people know blood has a metallic taste, so I think it would work better with this taken out.)

I would change it to: She licked the corner of her mouth where the blood had already begun to dry.

All the best, Marita.

Chapter 6 - I don't think I've read a boring chapter yet! I would take the time to go through and proofread, same mistakes that were in earlier chapters are here too...none of them big, all easy to catch. Is this one of your first drafts? I guess I never really asked...I really really like the story though, I wish it was complete!

Best opening I've seen in a while. Oodles of potential. Most gladly backed and high starred.

Chapter 5 -

Absolutely loved this chapter. Great descriptions once again. You have a knack for drawing a great image, my imagination doesn't run short of something to picture.

Good work, and I'll be back soon!

dark and telling. vivid images. not my genre, but well done.
j

dark and telling. vivid images. not my genre, but well done.
j

Very gruesome!
I started to read it an it stopped me right away in the story.
However you write so well that your images came vividly to me.
Good work on writing though the story isn't my type.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

OKO
This is a good book. I never understand why our future world is always described as being in such a mess, but in this book that works. Creates a unique and interesting world as your setting. Kadri is a good main character; she’s likable because of her special talent; sympathetic because she’s dying. A main thing I liked was the sense of dread or suspense you’ve built into this from the first page; it’s clear something even more terrible than dying is going to happen to Kadri if she goes outside and it’s going to happen soon. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wantobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Chapter 4 -

First, I'm really enjoying the book. I wish I knew it would be finished soon so when I got further I wouldn't have to stop. I find that I read through your chapters easily...there are a few spots here and there that need a touch-up (but I'm not particularly great with grammar).

There were a few typos throughout the chapter, mostly just a missing "a" or "to" and such, not a big deal...but this paragraph threw me off a bit:

"That meant that even though Georg was the one Ejan wanted, it would be Ana who would marry him, bear him children, and take a place by his side....Maybe even marry. Maybe even Ejan."

So in the beginning Ejan wants George...at the end Kadri wishes she could marry...possibly Ejan... I've been confused for a couple chapters - and this made it worse. Does Ejan like Georg and Kadri like Ejan? Or is this just a mix up of names? Not so sure...just thought I'd point it out, and if that's in fact what you mean, then maybe make it clearer??? I dunno...perhaps it will be come clearer in a few more chapters :)

Chapter 3 -

Interesting and suspenseful chapter. I thought the portion just after Kadri found the man was great - really helped me imagine what she was feeling and what the "aura" was like.

The paragraph about Father Sarat thinking of Blood Triangles as bad news seemed a little wordy or confusing (just didn't read right to me), and it might make more sense to switch that paragraph with the paragraph before as well. Just my thoughts and other than that I thought the chapter flowed well.

Had me hooked right from the start. Really looking forward to reading the book, as soon as I'm done with No Kiss Good-bye I'll be back here reading again. I have Oko on my watchlist for now and will add it to my bookshelf as soon as I'm a little further! Checked out your blog too, so you have +1 followers. Thanks for a good first chapter.

cskarp

Fantastic stuff, Elena. Six stars and on my shelf when I get a chance to shift things around.

I really don’t read much sci-fi or fantasy (I think the last full-blown sci-fi novel I read was Dune about ten years ago?!!) but I really enjoyed your opening chapters. The prose is just so polished. I don’t think I noticed any typos/formatting errors etc which made for an extremely reassuring, fully immersive read. There’s a really good blend of clear and direct storytelling to move the narrative along and more elaborate, subtly lyrical phrasing (eg. ‘the soup of green and blue’, ‘startled a snorting laugh… that almost sounded like a sob’, ‘Kadri could’ve purred when she opened a bag of it’) to add tremendous depth and colour to the novel. Nicely done.

Kadri comes across as an extremely likeable, resourceful, realistically flawed main character, someone the reader can quickly empathise with and root for. I love the opening to chapter one. It’s both clear and oddly cryptic and cleverly creates an immediate emotional bond between your main character and the reader.

The detail is superb. It’s just enough to evoke an extremely vivid, persuasive sense of this strange, foreboding dystopian future without ever coming across as forced or getting in the way of the narrative. What I particular like is the way much of the detail is familiar from a C21st perspective. It’s the subtle twist you put on this familiar detail which makes the world you’ve created come alive and, oddly, feel even more sinister and strange.

The dialogue is particularly good. It’s real and purposeful and helps to add terrific energy to the individual scenes as well as fleshing out the novel’s various characters. I especially like the way you mix very colloquial/modern vernacular (eg ‘Weirdo’, ‘He’s blown sky-high’ etc) with more formal, almost antiquated phrasing (eg. ‘He was ten years older than I, my father’s firstborn.’ ‘You’re quite a morsel, you know’ etc) which cleverly creates the impression of a world which feels both hyper-contemporary and vaguely medieval. Clever stuff.

The chapters themselves feel very well structured with a good blend of action/dialogue/character development etc and confidently underplayed climactic hooks at the end of the chapter to encourage the reader to read on. This seems like grown-up, sophisticated sci-fi/fantasy and, for my taste, the pacing of the opening chapters feels spot on.

The plot as a whole sounds very well conceived and original and, with its blend of adventure, mystery, escapist fantasy etc – coupled with the sheer quality of the writing – should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

Thanks and best of luck with this, Elena. This really is wonderful work. You deserve every success. All the best. P

EXCERPT READ: Chapters 1, 2 & part of 3

PACING: Leisurely. Could use a little speed up to keep things clicking. Hopefully that happens soon? Chapter three perhaps? Definitely shouldn’t be slowed down any more. It’s about at the minimum speed required.

VOICE: Clear throughout. Your authorial voice is finely crafted—just enough analogy to add flavor to the narrative without getting too flowery. One thing I noticed: it might be possible to remove some of the play-by-play actions you detail. (e.g. Just have her furiously scrub the shirt. We don’t need each step. Same with the cooking scene.) This would also help with the pacing.

CONTENTS: Unanswered questions are blooming. That’s good. It plants that temptation to keep reading. I’m a sucker for a little action. Two chapters in, there has been some minor bleeding, dry-heaving, a mild spat between lovers, and understated chicken-hacking. Not edge-of-your-seat kind of stuff. :) With your writing skills, I believe you could easily amp up each of these elements to give them more !ummph! Suggestion: Infuse some raw imagery and emotion to jolt the reader. This will crank the opening chapters up a notch or two.

MECHANICS: Commas, dashes and conjunctions are used in nearly every sentence. Breaking these up and breaking out all the independent clause would (I know…I keep harping on it…) increase the pace. A few past vs present tense issues. A couple typos – misplaced & missing words – that will easily be picked up in an edit.

Hone it. Pick up the pace. Infuse some action & emotion. You’ve got a story worth telling (and reading).

~Master Bowman Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

Hi Elena,
Nice story telling! Dark and creepy certainly. I think you've done a great job building your world. Congrats!

I love the imaginative storyline you're weaving here. I'm only through chapter 4 so far, but I really appreciate how you trust the reader to follow you without spelling everything out from the beginning. You've created questions that I want answered and I can confidently say that I would buy this book and read it through to the end. Congrats on some great work.

Hi Elena,

I remember reading this "creepy little book" before but I guess I never commented, hmmmm..

I love this so far, especially your imagery. Everything is described in great detail and I didn't feel like I was reading but watching a movie instead. Your characters are intense. Automatically, we get a feel of what kind of people they are. The scene at the beginning with Kadri definitely made me cringe. Even I was starting to feel sick! Not many writers can do that.

This is obviously brilliant work and I can't believe I haven't commented on it yet!
Six stars :)

your book came highly recommended and i wasnt disappointed.

Paul J

Yayyyy its back! I have been waiting for you to post the book again. You have polished into a wonderful read! The characters have a wonderful feel to them some one people can relate to as they read. Even though I read only one chapter I can tell it is going to be a paige turner! I'm putting it back on my shelf and will always have a place until its published and then it will be in my possesion :)! Ill keep reading when I find time and will continue letting you know what I think!
Happy writing Patricia

Just finished the extra chapters and I am just as much an addict as the cype eaters! Well done! The portrait of grief in chapter 11 was superb and oh so accurate. Oko continues to present a barren landscape in which deeply rich characters fight to live lives they no longer love. Despite the absence of hope, the desire to turn the page is there... it's strong and undeniable. Not sure I'm quite following the plot but I'm certainly invested in Kadri, Ejan & Eks.

Hi,

So I read chapters one and two. The thing I like the most about what I read, is that the book has the feel of a 'real' book, like something I would actually pay money for at a bookstore. I found it to be polished, intelligent, smoothly written and believable, so I wanted to highlight that right off. In chapter 2, I also liked the way you inserted details of Kadri's relationship with her brother, and those regarding Ejinn and Georg effortlessly, so that we get the information without being bashed over the head. Also not easy to do.

In terms of suggestions, there were a few things that stood out to me in chapter one, so I'll name them here. But these are just my opinions, so you can ignore them if you want. :)

“...shrugged the pillow-case off...” To me, this is an action a person does, like shrugging off a jacket. So I didn't get the imagery here. I could see 'shook the pillow out...' or simply, 'pulled the pillowcase off'.

“...grabbed her jacket and left...” I hadn't realized she'd actually gotten dressed. Just a small thing, but thought I'd mention it.

“It wasn't safe at night and everyone knew it, but her legs urged her to move, to cover as much space between her and the ruined pillow...” This section confused me. I couldn't see what relation getting to the pillow had to do with going outside. I think it might help to break the sentence in two, separating the ideas. Like, “She knew it wasn't safe at night, but the walls of her apartment pressed in on her until she felt she couldn't breathe. She had to get out.” It's not perfect, but thought it might help illustrate the point.

“As a response, Kadri doubled...” I would take out 'As a response'. I think it reads better.

When you describe the city later on in the chapter, I LOVE the imagery of the rats 'infesting' and 'devouring'. Wonderful.

The one thing that's really missing for me is an emotional connection to the MC. She's tough, courageous and young, and I admire her for all that, but I would have liked to have had a better sense of her vulnerability. I think that would have made the read more engaging to me. Though, perhaps that comes later on and I just didn't read far enough in.

Best of luck! I can see you've put a lot of work into your book and I hope it continues to pay off for you.

Dyane
The Purple

You have a rich and vibrant imagination. This was very well writtin, and written for the reader, might I add.
Well done.