Chronicles of Kitirr: The Dark Sage Part 1

Arion,

I read the three chapters of The Dark Sage that you have uploaded. I can see this series being of interest to girls 12 to 15 or so. It's always fun to follow an ordinary kid from our world into an alien place where they gain unexpected skills or powers. Amber and Mandy are an interesting pair -- they're friends of a sort but they don't seem to know each extremely well. This adventure will either bring them together or drive them apart (or both?) The way you share point of view between them is unusual but you handle it pretty well most of the time. The reader's sympathy seems directed to Amber more than to Mandy. If that isn't what you want, you may want to consider how to warm Mandy up a bit. The pop culture references add a welcome note of humor and reveal something of the girls' character. Amber seems like she would be a D&D nerd if given the chance -- like my son and his friends.

Think about how much exposition you really need in the Prologue and Chapter 1. It's usually best to get the story going before stopping to explain things. It's clear pretty quickly that the Tripasts Ruby and Phoenix are scholars and magic users of some kind. You could probably just show them searching and finding the prophecy, and leave it at that. The explanations of who they are and what they do can wait until Amber and Mandy actually meet them. Likewise in chapter 1, jump right in and show Amber being bullied. The mean girl's dialogue will reveal Amber's orphan and scholarship status, Amber's attitude will reveal that she's used to this, and a quick inventory of the damage can include a description of her ill-fitting uniform. (I'm from Seattle, so I appreciate the teacher's assessment of her look as "grunge.") This is what they mean by "Show, don't tell." There's a time to "tell" but the beginning of a book is usually not it. Jump in and trust your reader to keep up. You might want to spend a little more time in our world, to show what Amber's daily life is like and how she and Mandy act when they're together, before any kind of adventure starts. Mandy is Amber's friend, but only in secret -- what is the risk if someone finds out? Does Mandy want to bring the friendship into the open -- someday -- or is she too much a slave to popularity? What brought them together? (This might not all get into the book but it's good to think about if you haven't already).

On a related note, limit the use of "noticed" and "decided." You want to immerse the reader in the POV character's experience, and these two verbs tend to pull the reader out of the moment. It's usually better if things happen or are sensed and the character acts or reacts -- the noticing and deciding are implied without being overtly stated. Save conscious decision for really important choices where the character has carefully weighed options.

When the girls first approach and then enter Kitirr, there is an unconvincing lack of trepidation and wonder. When they see through the arch into Kitirr, it seems like they would walk around the arch, examine it, try to figure it out before just walking through. Has either of them seen the arch before? Then when they get through and realize they can't get back, they should be more troubled -- they might even argue about whose fault it is before they finally accept their fate and move on. Later, you have them trying to sense intentions without any previous indication that they can do this. If they can't do it with each other, why would it occur to them that they might be able to? It might be good to show it happening without them trying -- they sense that Merick is trustworthy just by being near enough. They could then step back and think about what's going on, and then try to do it on purpose or something like that.

The language of Kitirr appears to be English. The written form is coded English. This is convenient, but a little hard to buy. Does it occur to the girls to be surprised when they can understand what the caravan people say to them? Maybe the magic allows them to understand the language _as if_ people were speaking English? That wouldn't work for the writing, though, although if magic is responsible, the writing might look funny at first, then self-translate. Think about this.

Pet Peeve Alert: As a general rule, I am opposed to "Alright" as one word. Although it is commonly used these days, it is really a misspelling of "All right" -- probably because we have words like already and although, so it looks like it _should_ be right. But "already" and "all ready" do not mean the same thing. Many people don't mind it, but I would guess most editors are in my camp, and there's no reason to irritate them more than you have to. End of sermon.

I noted the following edits for correction:

Ch 1
Friday's were always bad . . . No apostrophe is needed to form the plural Fridays.
. . . her blond hair blocked her face from view. Whose view? This scene is from Amber's point of view.
Amber new a different story. You want "knew"
"the" gets transposed to "teh" a few times.
arch way should be archway
a person laid, sleeping. You want "a person lay sleeping." (Nearly everyone has trouble with the verbs to lie and to lay. I finally just memorized them: I lie down now, I lay down before, I have lain down many times; I lay this thing here now; I laid that thing there yesterday; I have laid things all over the house all week.)
the strange phenomena Phenomena is plural; if there was only one, you want phenomenon. It wasn't clear from the context.
How do they know the sleeping person is an elf? It might be better to describe his appearance and have one of the girls comment that he looks like an elf. (And which kind? Keebler, Santa's, or like Orlando Bloom?)
He was laying . . . You want "He was lying . . ."
"Pardon?" Amber said questioningly. Because of the question mark, you don't need the adverb. You could say "Amber asked." (Most adverbs can be avoided by choosing a strong verb).
Cut the second "Anyway" from the dialogue beginning, "Anyway, this guy's an elf."

Ch 2
eves of the forest. I think you want "eaves"
When you say the berries were planted by travelers, do you mean they were planted by people traveling through? This doesn't make sense to me, so you might be using a noun I don't know. If I don't know it, neither will most American readers.
large enough for both girls to lay down. You want "lie down."
incase needs to be split into two words.
"How far do you recon . . ." You want "reckon"
". . . its protection for us. . ." You want it's or it is.

Ch 3
Who is speaking the line that begins, "This is too good to be true . . ."?
Mandy was stoic . . . Is this really the word you want? It didn't make sense in the context.
I'm amused but skeptical that a quasi-mediaeval city would have Main Street and Southwest Seventy-Third Avenue. It seems more likely that the streets would be named for the main businesses in the area or for features such as gardens, temples, trees or fountains. Main Street might be OK, but numbered streets seem iffy. That's a relatively modern idea, I think. Seattle, a fairly young city, still has named streets in the oldest sections of town, while in the newer neighborhoods, the names have been replaced with numbers.
Allowing them to peak out . . . You want "peek"
The girl's look . . . You want "girls' look" because there are two of them.
"You can also information . . ." Did you want "use information"?
Rei assured amber . . . Capitalize Amber here and later in the paragraph.
baited breath should be bated breath.
key to door. Did you want "key to the door"?
Dirty Windows . . . No need to capitalize windows except at Microsoft.
the proceeded should be "they proceeded"
starring should be "staring"

Spell check will only take you so far! There's work still to do, but you have a really fun idea here that seems worth the effort. Have fun with it, and good luck!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED
ENDURANCE

Read the second Autho chapter and found the following. You need to watch out for spelling issues. They take away from your work. Run this through a spell checker and find these simple errors.

"Amber stopped moving and slowly, deliberately, go to her feet." -- Should be "got" instead of "go".
"scanned the riom and settled on Amber." -- Should be "room" instead of "riom".
"pay for her miscellaneius expenses like graduation," -- Should be "miscellaneous" instead of "miscellaneius".
"Beaides being quite enigmatic" -- Should be "Besides" instead of "Beaides".
"One such theory to suppporr this theory is a recent account found in Glastonbury" -- Should be "support" instead of "suppporr".
"the evil students who saught to constantly" -- Should be "sought" instead of "saught".

From reading the first chapter, I find this story to be a very good start. You have a good ability to catch people's attention and keep it. I hope it goes well for you. Here are some grammar/spelling issues:

Chapter 1:
"vault was slightly must or that it smelled" -- should be "musty" instead of "must".
"fighting in battles fir truth and justice. " -- should be "for" instead of "fir"

Suh-WEET! At least from what I read of the pitch. Gingerkucklehairs is right, from the caliber and quality of the work, it's amazingly mind-boggling strange to see so many publishers pass up so many good, great, and magnificent writers.

Plus I'm a sucker for Shared Universe material. That's ultimately what I want to do to Torlenth.

Wow! I never considered some of your advice prior to this, but I do have some clarification that actually is revealed later in the story. Earth and Kitirr share a history, this is why they have a similar language. In fact, there are many worlds in this universe who share a common language, though dialect and inflection may vary. I may edit the writing style even though I've already invented the entire thing. I will share that later on there is a character who went to Earth and played a part in one of our more interesting myths *cough*camelot*cough*

I shall take everything you've said into consideration, especially exposition and small little edits that you've suggested. I knew the editing process wasn't over, I just never realized that I'd be adding so many new things. I've already got a huge edit ahead of me on this story, now it's just a little bigger. That's fine with me.

Thank you for taking the time (how much time did you spend on this? It's huge!) to review the chapters so far.

Arion,

I read the three chapters of The Dark Sage that you have uploaded. I can see this series being of interest to girls 12 to 15 or so. It's always fun to follow an ordinary kid from our world into an alien place where they gain unexpected skills or powers. Amber and Mandy are an interesting pair -- they're friends of a sort but they don't seem to know each extremely well. This adventure will either bring them together or drive them apart (or both?) The way you share point of view between them is unusual but you handle it pretty well most of the time. The reader's sympathy seems directed to Amber more than to Mandy. If that isn't what you want, you may want to consider how to warm Mandy up a bit. The pop culture references add a welcome note of humor and reveal something of the girls' character. Amber seems like she would be a D&D nerd if given the chance -- like my son and his friends.

Think about how much exposition you really need in the Prologue and Chapter 1. It's usually best to get the story going before stopping to explain things. It's clear pretty quickly that the Tripasts Ruby and Phoenix are scholars and magic users of some kind. You could probably just show them searching and finding the prophecy, and leave it at that. The explanations of who they are and what they do can wait until Amber and Mandy actually meet them. Likewise in chapter 1, jump right in and show Amber being bullied. The mean girl's dialogue will reveal Amber's orphan and scholarship status, Amber's attitude will reveal that she's used to this, and a quick inventory of the damage can include a description of her ill-fitting uniform. (I'm from Seattle, so I appreciate the teacher's assessment of her look as "grunge.") This is what they mean by "Show, don't tell." There's a time to "tell" but the beginning of a book is usually not it. Jump in and trust your reader to keep up. You might want to spend a little more time in our world, to show what Amber's daily life is like and how she and Mandy act when they're together, before any kind of adventure starts. Mandy is Amber's friend, but only in secret -- what is the risk if someone finds out? Does Mandy want to bring the friendship into the open -- someday -- or is she too much a slave to popularity? What brought them together? (This might not all get into the book but it's good to think about if you haven't already).

On a related note, limit the use of "noticed" and "decided." You want to immerse the reader in the POV character's experience, and these two verbs tend to pull the reader out of the moment. It's usually better if things happen or are sensed and the character acts or reacts -- the noticing and deciding are implied without being overtly stated. Save conscious decision for really important choices where the character has carefully weighed options.

When the girls first approach and then enter Kitirr, there is an unconvincing lack of trepidation and wonder. When they see through the arch into Kitirr, it seems like they would walk around the arch, examine it, try to figure it out before just walking through. Has either of them seen the arch before? Then when they get through and realize they can't get back, they should be more troubled -- they might even argue about whose fault it is before they finally accept their fate and move on. Later, you have them trying to sense intentions without any previous indication that they can do this. If they can't do it with each other, why would it occur to them that they might be able to? It might be good to show it happening without them trying -- they sense that Merick is trustworthy just by being near enough. They could then step back and think about what's going on, and then try to do it on purpose or something like that.

The language of Kitirr appears to be English. The written form is coded English. This is convenient, but a little hard to buy. Does it occur to the girls to be surprised when they can understand what the caravan people say to them? Maybe the magic allows them to understand the language _as if_ people were speaking English? That wouldn't work for the writing, though, although if magic is responsible, the writing might look funny at first, then self-translate. Think about this.

Pet Peeve Alert: As a general rule, I am opposed to "Alright" as one word. Although it is commonly used these days, it is really a misspelling of "All right" -- probably because we have words like already and although, so it looks like it _should_ be right. But "already" and "all ready" do not mean the same thing. Many people don't mind it, but I would guess most editors are in my camp, and there's no reason to irritate them more than you have to. End of sermon.

I noted the following edits for correction:

Ch 1
Friday's were always bad . . . No apostrophe is needed to form the plural Fridays.
. . . her blond hair blocked her face from view. Whose view? This scene is from Amber's point of view.
Amber new a different story. You want "knew"
"the" gets transposed to "teh" a few times.
arch way should be archway
a person laid, sleeping. You want "a person lay sleeping." (Nearly everyone has trouble with the verbs to lie and to lay. I finally just memorized them: I lie down now, I lay down before, I have lain down many times; I lay this thing here now; I laid that thing there yesterday; I have laid things all over the house all week.)
the strange phenomena Phenomena is plural; if there was only one, you want phenomenon. It wasn't clear from the context.
How do they know the sleeping person is an elf? It might be better to describe his appearance and have one of the girls comment that he looks like an elf. (And which kind? Keebler, Santa's, or like Orlando Bloom?)
He was laying . . . You want "He was lying . . ."
"Pardon?" Amber said questioningly. Because of the question mark, you don't need the adverb. You could say "Amber asked." (Most adverbs can be avoided by choosing a strong verb).
Cut the second "Anyway" from the dialogue beginning, "Anyway, this guy's an elf."

Ch 2
eves of the forest. I think you want "eaves"
When you say the berries were planted by travelers, do you mean they were planted by people traveling through? This doesn't make sense to me, so you might be using a noun I don't know. If I don't know it, neither will most American readers.
large enough for both girls to lay down. You want "lie down."
incase needs to be split into two words.
"How far do you recon . . ." You want "reckon"
". . . its protection for us. . ." You want it's or it is.

Ch 3
Who is speaking the line that begins, "This is too good to be true . . ."?
Mandy was stoic . . . Is this really the word you want? It didn't make sense in the context.
I'm amused but skeptical that a quasi-mediaeval city would have Main Street and Southwest Seventy-Third Avenue. It seems more likely that the streets would be named for the main businesses in the area or for features such as gardens, temples, trees or fountains. Main Street might be OK, but numbered streets seem iffy. That's a relatively modern idea, I think. Seattle, a fairly young city, still has named streets in the oldest sections of town, while in the newer neighborhoods, the names have been replaced with numbers.
Allowing them to peak out . . . You want "peek"
The girl's look . . . You want "girls' look" because there are two of them.
"You can also information . . ." Did you want "use information"?
Rei assured amber . . . Capitalize Amber here and later in the paragraph.
baited breath should be bated breath.
key to door. Did you want "key to the door"?
Dirty Windows . . . No need to capitalize windows except at Microsoft.
the proceeded should be "they proceeded"
starring should be "staring"

Spell check will only take you so far! There's work still to do, but you have a really fun idea here that seems worth the effort. Have fun with it, and good luck!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED
ENDURANCE

Arion,

I read the three chapters of The Dark Sage that you have uploaded. I can see this series being of interest to girls 12 to 15 or so. It's always fun to follow an ordinary kid from our world into an alien place where they gain unexpected skills or powers. Amber and Mandy are an interesting pair -- they're friends of a sort but they don't seem to know each extremely well. This adventure will either bring them together or drive them apart (or both?) The way you share point of view between them is unusual but you handle it pretty well most of the time. The reader's sympathy seems directed to Amber more than to Mandy. If that isn't what you want, you may want to consider how to warm Mandy up a bit. The pop culture references add a welcome note of humor and reveal something of the girls' character. Amber seems like she would be a D&D nerd if given the chance -- like my son and his friends.

Think about how much exposition you really need in the Prologue and Chapter 1. It's usually best to get the story going before stopping to explain things. It's clear pretty quickly that the Tripasts Ruby and Phoenix are scholars and magic users of some kind. You could probably just show them searching and finding the prophecy, and leave it at that. The explanations of who they are and what they do can wait until Amber and Mandy actually meet them. Likewise in chapter 1, jump right in and show Amber being bullied. The mean girl's dialogue will reveal Amber's orphan and scholarship status, Amber's attitude will reveal that she's used to this, and a quick inventory of the damage can include a description of her ill-fitting uniform. (I'm from Seattle, so I appreciate the teacher's assessment of her look as "grunge.") This is what they mean by "Show, don't tell." There's a time to "tell" but the beginning of a book is usually not it. Jump in and trust your reader to keep up. You might want to spend a little more time in our world, to show what Amber's daily life is like and how she and Mandy act when they're together, before any kind of adventure starts. Mandy is Amber's friend, but only in secret -- what is the risk if someone finds out? Does Mandy want to bring the friendship into the open -- someday -- or is she too much a slave to popularity? What brought them together? (This might not all get into the book but it's good to think about if you haven't already).

On a related note, limit the use of "noticed" and "decided." You want to immerse the reader in the POV character's experience, and these two verbs tend to pull the reader out of the moment. It's usually better if things happen or are sensed and the character acts or reacts -- the noticing and deciding are implied without being overtly stated. Save conscious decision for really important choices where the character has carefully weighed options.

When the girls first approach and then enter Kitirr, there is an unconvincing lack of trepidation and wonder. When they see through the arch into Kitirr, it seems like they would walk around the arch, examine it, try to figure it out before just walking through. Has either of them seen the arch before? Then when they get through and realize they can't get back, they should be more troubled -- they might even argue about whose fault it is before they finally accept their fate and move on. Later, you have them trying to sense intentions without any previous indication that they can do this. If they can't do it with each other, why would it occur to them that they might be able to? It might be good to show it happening without them trying -- they sense that Merick is trustworthy just by being near enough. They could then step back and think about what's going on, and then try to do it on purpose or something like that.

The language of Kitirr appears to be English. The written form is coded English. This is convenient, but a little hard to buy. Does it occur to the girls to be surprised when they can understand what the caravan people say to them? Maybe the magic allows them to understand the language _as if_ people were speaking English? That wouldn't work for the writing, though, although if magic is responsible, the writing might look funny at first, then self-translate. Think about this.

Pet Peeve Alert: As a general rule, I am opposed to "Alright" as one word. Although it is commonly used these days, it is really a misspelling of "All right" -- probably because we have words like already and although, so it looks like it _should_ be right. But "already" and "all ready" do not mean the same thing. Many people don't mind it, but I would guess most editors are in my camp, and there's no reason to irritate them more than you have to. End of sermon.

I noted the following edits for correction:

Ch 1
Friday's were always bad . . . No apostrophe is needed to form the plural Fridays.
. . . her blond hair blocked her face from view. Whose view? This scene is from Amber's point of view.
Amber new a different story. You want "knew"
"the" gets transposed to "teh" a few times.
arch way should be archway
a person laid, sleeping. You want "a person lay sleeping." (Nearly everyone has trouble with the verbs to lie and to lay. I finally just memorized them: I lie down now, I lay down before, I have lain down many times; I lay this thing here now; I laid that thing there yesterday; I have laid things all over the house all week.)
the strange phenomena Phenomena is plural; if there was only one, you want phenomenon. It wasn't clear from the context.
How do they know the sleeping person is an elf? It might be better to describe his appearance and have one of the girls comment that he looks like an elf. (And which kind? Keebler, Santa's, or like Orlando Bloom?)
He was laying . . . You want "He was lying . . ."
"Pardon?" Amber said questioningly. Because of the question mark, you don't need the adverb. You could say "Amber asked." (Most adverbs can be avoided by choosing a strong verb).
Cut the second "Anyway" from the dialogue beginning, "Anyway, this guy's an elf."

Ch 2
eves of the forest. I think you want "eaves"
When you say the berries were planted by travelers, do you mean they were planted by people traveling through? This doesn't make sense to me, so you might be using a noun I don't know. If I don't know it, neither will most American readers.
large enough for both girls to lay down. You want "lie down."
incase needs to be split into two words.
"How far do you recon . . ." You want "reckon"
". . . its protection for us. . ." You want it's or it is.

Ch 3
Who is speaking the line that begins, "This is too good to be true . . ."?
Mandy was stoic . . . Is this really the word you want? It didn't make sense in the context.
I'm amused but skeptical that a quasi-mediaeval city would have Main Street and Southwest Seventy-Third Avenue. It seems more likely that the streets would be named for the main businesses in the area or for features such as gardens, temples, trees or fountains. Main Street might be OK, but numbered streets seem iffy. That's a relatively modern idea, I think. Seattle, a fairly young city, still has named streets in the oldest sections of town, while in the newer neighborhoods, the names have been replaced with numbers.
Allowing them to peak out . . . You want "peek"
The girl's look . . . You want "girls' look" because there are two of them.
"You can also information . . ." Did you want "use information"?
Rei assured amber . . . Capitalize Amber here and later in the paragraph.
baited breath should be bated breath.
key to door. Did you want "key to the door"?
Dirty Windows . . . No need to capitalize windows except at Microsoft.
the proceeded should be "they proceeded"
starring should be "staring"

Spell check will only take you so far! There's work still to do, but you have a really fun idea here that seems worth the effort. Have fun with it, and good luck!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED
ENDURANCE