ECHOES OF TWILIGHT

I think this has a ton of potential. For the YA market, it's good to stand out among the rest and this does it. Sure it's dark but there's also hope and anyone who's been in the place your mc is, will find someone they can relate to. It's good that they have a role model, in a sense. The writing is pretty good, it impressed me. The dialogue as well. I'm not a nit picky grammer editor but I read as a reader. Nothing stood out as tripping me up. I felt for the mc so you were able to evoke an emotional reaction from me. That's important.

Starred highly for now. I'll get it on the shelf sometime in the next week!
Missy

Ola,
Echoes of Twilight is a truly harrowing account. I love this sort of melodramatic romance with a heroine the reader can feel compassion for as you bring her to life in the prose.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

After so much suffering, good fortune finally smiled down on Rachael (Bukola). I enjoyed this story from start to end. As it is a short one, I believe the description of places was just adequate. The writing is easy to understand and follow and the characters come alive like stage performers. My one suggestion would be to leave more lines between current narrative and flashbacks. Well done!

Hi Ola!
I read your chapter till the end and came up with the following suggestions for you:

- “Ehen? Are you a witch? Why do you always prefer darkness to light?” [no need for brackets here] … American ‘sme-sme’ today”. [today.”];
- “I am from England not America” I corrected her [“I am from England, not America,” I corrected her];
- “That one na your business joor” she said [joor,” she said];
- Please go and have your bath lets get you dressed”. [Please go and have your bath. Let’s get you dressed.”];
- Tega got more antagonistic towards me with each passing day. Life was hell. [consider, ‘Life turned to hell.] … “the loose girl from America”. [“the loose girl from America.”];
- The years rushed by. By then I had gotten a hang of living … By then 4 years had gone by and I was 31 years old by then. [‘by then’ is used twice in one sentence – better omit one] … They however, promised to pass my message [They, however, promised – commas on both sides of ‘however’];
- Riding in the car with Tega that windy cold morning, the doctor’s words kept ringing in my ear. [there is ambiguity in this sentence, and you better avoid it (Riding in the car …, the doctor’s words kept ringing) – consider “When I rode in the car with Tega that windy cold morning, the doctor’s words kept ringing in my ear.”];
- “Mr Tega your wife’s tubes are blocked [“Mr Tega, your wife’s] … which was not properly treated” [properly treated.”];
- “Rachael!” he screeched, “Why did you not tell me your got had had an abortion before? [“Rachael!” he screeched. “Why did you not tell me you had had an abortion before?];
- I kept silent knowing that I had no answer to that, knowing that what ever I did [whatever I would do];
- “Answer me you bitch, answer me!” … He grabbed my by the neck [grabbed me by the neck];
- So I let the whole story fall. I wept … I sat by the roadside tired and worn out [I sat by the roadside, tired and worn out];
- Feeling totally spent, I got up slowly … I met Tega’s absence [consider as a variant, ‘I confronted Tega’s absence’] … a few hours later by Tega violent shake. [by Tega’s violent shake.];
- “Wake up you deceiver. [“Wake up, you deceiver.];
- “Tega please I am tired [“Tega, please, I am tired];
- The few days following our hospital trip were tense … We visited the hospital again were I was supposed [where I was supposed];
- I left for the market leaving Daniella … pick his laundry at the cleaners. [cleaner’s];
- “Madam Oga Tega carry [“Madam Oga, Tega carry] … carry am go hospital” [go hospital.” - well written speech, by the way];
- “Madam, she bin wound when … carry am go hospital”. [go hospital.”];
- I was accosted by a nurse at the reception … and was bought in here [brought in here];
- “But Ma, the girl the man brought … brought her here”. [here.”];
- “Nurse what did you just say?” The other nurse who had been silent answered, “Madam the little girl bought in [“Nurse, what did you just say?” … “Madam, the little girl brought in];
- “Doctor the woman said [“Doctor, the] … we had no such case”, [case,”];
- “Daniella” I promptly replied [“Daniella,”];
- “Please come with me madam.” [me, madam.”];
- The doctor ushered me into a room … and shook him “Tega! tell me what happened [and shook him. “Tega! Tell me what happened];
- “Calm down madam, let [“Calm down, madam, let] … to you.” The doctor replied. [to you,” the doctor replied];
- “Mr Tega here picked the little girl … girl had already lost so much blood. [maybe better, ‘too much blood’] … nothing we could do to help her”. [help her.”];
- The doctor nodded. … I would take you to her madam”. [to her, madam.”];
- On the bed, I saw my beautiful daughter on the bed [‘On the bed’ is used twice, better omit one] … which in the pass few weeks [past few weeks];
- As the flight taxied along the runway of Murtala Mohammed International airport … the day I first set foot on my country. [set foot in my country] … allowing it fall under the seats. [allowing it to fall];
- “I think they relocated to another neighbourhood ma’am. [neighbourhood, ma’am.];
- The school had no further news on Kwame’s whereabouts … walked slowly done the faculty steps [down the faculty steps];
- “Rachael!” the man screamed! [screamed.];
- “You don’t remember me, do you? … He introduced us remember?” [introduced us, remember?”];
- “Am so sorry Rachael [“I am so sorry, Rachael];
- I barely heard him, I felt my whole life … I hated Adofo for giving my the news [giving me];
- On getting home, I shut and locked my door and with shaking hands. I opened the package [consider, ‘On getting home, I shut and locked my door. With shaking hands I opened the package…’];
- On the last page of the album, I saw I full picture of me [I saw a full picture of me];
- “I always gazed upon your beautiful face … please forgive me Bukola and know [please forgive me, Bukola, and know];
- “Congratulations ma’am, your test [“Congratulations, ma’am, your test];
- “Yes ma’am” [“Yes, ma’am.”];
- “Ma’am it’s normally against [“Ma’am, it’s] … this information withheld” [information withheld.”];
- “Then we could make an exception of that” [of that.”];
- “Would you please find out … this precious gift” [precious gift.”];
- “Alright ma’am kindly come … call up the records” [“Alright, ma’am, kindly come … call up the records.”];
- I walked around the desk to join … Kwame’s face swarm into view. [swam into view.].

Wow, what extraordinary twists of fate here! I didn’t know what to expect next. You have a very bright and memorable story here. I hope my suggestions will help you polish it to perfection.

Ivan

Hi Ola, I decided to return for a more detailed read of your book and I see your book cover – it really appeals to me!
I’ll make my suggestions as I’m reading so let’s go!
- The fiery cold wind hit hard … Its ferocity drawing salty tears to my eyes and making my nose burn even though I had lived in England the first 27 years of my life. [consider, ‘Its ferocity drew salty tears to my eyes and made my nose burn even though…’ – that would be better IMO] … you use ‘27 years’ twice in this paragraph, consider saying ‘all my life’ instead – so as to avoid repetition;
- “Bukola” my mum yelled [“Bukola!” my mum yelled / “Bukola,” my mum yelled – choose either variant];
- “Mum” I started a bit hesitantly … [“Mum,” I started a bit hesitantly];
- “You will not go and get married … My husband and I have tried for you” [a full stop missing];
- I must have fallen asleep … I could not turn over on my bed, my bones were stiff with cold in my unheated room. [my bones stiff with cold in my unheated room – there’s no need for ‘were’ here];
- “Mummy, daddy is trying his best … Arent you ever satisfied?” [Aren’t you ever];
- “Ki lo so? Bukola may thunder blast off your head for opening that your rotten mouth to vomit such rubbish! [consider, ‘Bukola, may thunder blast off your head for opening that rotten mouth of yours to vomit such rubbish!] … your father is better dead to us than alive. [consider, ‘better off dead…’ – it would make the sentence flow smoother] … his insurance money on this useless job he is doing”. [he is doing.” – first a period, then brackets];
- I walked slowly to my parent’s small, stuffy bedroom [parents’];
- “Daddy don’t mind her please [“Daddy, don’t mind her please];
- My father heaved, turned slowly towards me … maybe am better off dead [maybe I am better…] … the insurance pay off you know”. [you know.”];
- “Daddy how can you say such a thing?” [“Daddy, how can] … Please don’t let mummy’s put you down please daddy!” [consider, ‘Please, don’t let mummy put you down. Please daddy!”];
- My father had smiled. [My father smiled. – I think there’s no need to show proirity];
- That was the last time I saw my father. … and was on my way back when i saw the police car [when I saw];
- We buried him in the local cemetery on Christmas day with just my mum and I and a few of my dad’s colleges [just my mum and me and a few of my dad’s colleagues] … I wept uncontrollable through out the interment [I wept uncontrollably throughout];
- Two weeks after Christmas my mother informed me … find a better accommodation. [and find better accommodation – no ‘a’];
- “So what? Its time you grew up [It’s time];
- I stared at my mother incredulously, shocked to my marrows. [consider ‘shocked to the marrow of my bones’];
- “Rachael!” She shouted my English name [she shouted];
- “Over here mum” I answered. [“Over here, mum,” I answered];
- My mother had rushed in and handed me a letter from the insurance people saying our cheque was ready for collection. I screamed hugging my mother [consider saying, ‘I screamed hugging her’ as you use ‘my mother 3 times in this paragraph];
- “What did you just say mum?” I countered [“What did you just say, mum?”];
- “Of course he did or did you think … Come on grow up Rachael!” [Come on, grow up, Rachael!”];
- My mother looked terribly tired so I decided to shelf the discussion [shelve the discussion];
- “Bukola!” You good for nothing prostitute!” … Answer me!” [you don’t need to use brackets after ‘Bukola’ and ‘prostitute’ as the mother’s speech goes on];
- “Will you shut the fuck up … frustrated life” I heard Victor bellow. [frustrated life,” I heard Victor bellow.];
- “Victor would have to decide that”. [no need for brackets here, just a period] … your parched throat”. [your parched throat.”];
- “Your father is still asleep. … which my daddy had taught me early. [not sure – ‘early’ or ‘earlier’];
- “Don’t worry, when you get there … poverty is” she continued. [poverty is,” she continued.];
- “Bukola, follow me” [“Bukola, follow me.”] … my mother made me peep on the blue strip [I think it should be ‘mother made me pee’];
- “Rachael, we have to terminate this pregnancy before its too late” I shook my head. [before it’s too late.” I shook my head.];
- “I am scared mum, I don’t think I want to do this” [I want to do this.”] … My mother started screaming “You are afraid? [started screaming, “You] … you had better remove it” [had better remove it.”];
- “Bukola, Bukky for short” I replied [“Bukola. Bukky for short,” I replied];
- “And I am Susan” said my friend [“And I am Susan,” said my friend] … I blushed deeply embarrassed [consider putting a comma after ‘blushed’] … i had forgotten [I had forgotten];
- “May we join you ladies then?” My mesmerizer [my mesmerizer];
- “Of course” replied Susan [“Of course,” replied Susan];
- When Kwame left for holidays in Africa … I screamed with joy and rushed to hug him “Hmm I can see you really missed me,” [hug him. “Hmm, I can …];
- “I sure did” I replied. [“I sure did,” I replied.];
- I tried twice more and failed. … and said “Movies my love! [and said, “Movies, my love!] … what your people are like” [people are like.”];
- “You mean you haven't seen them yet? You know what? Lets go and fetch them [Let’s];
- I stood still for a moment as soon as i stepped [I stepped] … So many emotions flowed through me; happiness, pride, uncertainty but one stood out above the rest [consider, ‘So many emotions flowed through me—happiness, pride, uncertainty—but…’];
- “Hello” I started out [“Hello,” I started out];
- The man finally ended his call, stretched out his hand and said “Hello my name is Tega [and said, “Hello, my name is Tega…’ – write it in one line];
- “Hi my name is Rachael I just flew [“Hi, my name is Rachael. I just flew] … for a brief vist [visit] … I don’t quite know who to go about it” [go about it.”];
- I hesitated remembering Kwame’s advice … “Two hundred pounds” I answered. [“Two hundred pounds,” I answered.];
- “Oh! said Tega. [“Oh!” said Tega.];
- I would probably just help [“I would probably just help… – you need brackets at the beginning];
- “So where exactly are you going to so I could drop you off if you don’t mind” he asked [don’t mind?” he asked];
- “I don’t know, I just have some addresses that my father gave me before he died” [before he died.”];
- I gave him the diary which had … written against the name. [maybe better, ‘opposite the name’];
- “Wow! exclaimed Tega I know this place! I actually live in Surulere. Ok then its settled, lets hit the road”. [“Wow!” exclaimed Tega. “I know this place! I actually live in Surulere. Ok then, it’s settled, let’s hit the road.”];
- “Ok Rachael, here we are! This is number 23 Dapo Close Surulere. Go find your guy”. [your guy.”];
- “Go on, I will bring them in for you” Tega offered. [for you,” Tega offered.];
- I knocked on the first door … “Hi, my name is Rachael Oni, I am looking for Mr. Femi Ogunlana”. [Ogunlana.”];
- “Ewoo! exclaimed the woman “Oga Femi died a long time ago I think its even up to 6 or 7 years [“Ewoo!” exclaimed the woman. “Oga Femi died a long time ago. I think it’s even up to 6 or 7 years];
- I was too shocked by her reply … “Yes ma, she just came back” [came back.”];
- “Ewoo! Ndo nwa m o? … his wife and children there”. [there.”];
- “Thank you Ma” replied Tega “Bye bye”. [“Thank you, Ma,” replied Tega. “Bye bye.”];
- Tega being the only son was eager to have children … We got married in mid November, the peek of the harmattan season [the peak];
- “Isn’t it day break yet inside your room?” [omit the brackets here as the speech goes on] …Please wake up lets get you ready before [Please wake up, let’s] … for your usual lateness”. [lateness.”];
- “Ogho please could you switch off the light please lets use the bedside lamp. [‘please’ is used twice here – drop one; “Ogho, could you switch off the light, please? Let’s use the bedside lamp.] … The bright light hurts my eyes” [my eyes.”].

Well, Ola, so far I’m really impressed with your story. I hope to finish it soon. Hope my suggestions will be of use to you.
Ivan

Yes, break up the chapter and see to the grammar a bit. It's a heart-wrenching story and you should have no trouble finding readers. Well told, too.

Good luck!

GG

Wow!!! I love your cover! NICE!!!

Ola, you have everything for a great story here - the main character the reader would feel sorry for as her mother is terrible and her father hangs himself. Bukola's life must be a nightmare. Your writing is pretty good, I have a couple of suggestions:
- I walked slowly to my parent’s bedroom [should be "my parents’ bedroom"];
- We buried him … a few of my dad’s colleges [colleagues];
- and you need to use commas around appositions, e.g. "Daddy, don't mind her please." - you need to put a comma after 'Daddy' as it is an apposition.

I've star rated your book with pleasure. Good luck with your book!
Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

I don't believe fiery cold works, painfully, bitterly maybe and you change from hot dog to burger.
On the up, you write as you speak and that i like

Dear Ola.
I think you have real potential! And I agree with MIRO 1K, shorten the chapter, it is a little long. You say this is your first manuscript? Well in my opinion, if this is your first attempt, its not bad at all! Every book needs polishing, some more than others. I have never heard of the perfect first draught. Many famous authors write and rewrite there work countless times, and still, it's not perfect. You will learn a lot from authonomy readers. I have! Check out some of the comments Ivan has made on my book! Really helpful! I'm putting your book on my WL.
Good work! And keep it up!

Dear Ola,

I think you have real strengths as a writer. The character of your mother and father in your book are vividly described and the characterisation is powerful and evocative. The scenes when your mother is angry are the best in the first chapter.

If I could give you some friendly and constructive advice:

1. The scenes with your mother are the best because you are writing with feeling, naturally. You have a powerful voice -don;t be afraid to express it. The parts come across as a little self-conscious -try to slim down the chapter -omit wordy sentences and don't include too many adverbs -show the action and emotion through actions (verbs/setting) don't tell it. You do have some lovely moments of doing this eg. watching the rain slide down the windowpane - and my favourite: " i wiped away angrily at the tear that had managed to squeeze itself past....." nice! more please!
2. Read your dialogue back to yourself. Is that how you would really say it? As the chapter proceeds your dialogue becomes more and more convincing -you are gaining your rhythm - I think I would take a look at the start or first half. Your mother's dialogue is very believable and powerful -because anger and emotion drives it. Don't provide too much backstory in your dialogue either -it doesn't read naturally -why would characters who know each other so well need to recap their lives? Do it in a more subtle way, through setting and narrative.
3. I would shorten this chapter because, by Authonomy standards, it is very long -you could make 3 from this! Remember people are very short of time here and some can only read a shortish first chapter.

4. I think the begiinning needs the most attention - the later parts of the chapter you find your rhythm really well -but the first part reads awkwardly - remember you don't need to gve every detail about backstory straight away -keep it mysterious!

I hope the above helps. I emphasise that I see real potential here - just needs some polishing.
Highly starred for potential and I am happy to review again.

Best Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.