Book Jacket

 

rank 501
word count 92398
date submitted 21.08.2011
date updated 25.08.2012
genres: Romance, Fantasy, Horror, Young Adu...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Terra Incognita

Heather Riffle

A girl must survive a future ruled by the "Pale Ones," while discovering love, friendship and a fate greater than she could ever believe possible.

 

Seventeen-year old Haylee Wells thought her mother pressuring her to choose a college was her only problem. But between her aunt’s death and a wraithlike creature attacking, she suddenly has much more to handle. When she finds herself in a post-apocalyptic future where these creatures reign and can kill with a single touch, she takes refuge with a group of humans who have their own special abilities. She needs to find her way home. But the connection she shares with Derik – the duty-bound protector of the group – and her own developing abilities complicate things further. If she fails to realize the power within herself, she risks becoming a slave to the Pale Ones and never returning home.

A YA post-apocalyptic paranormal with romantic elements, TERRA INCOGNITA will introduce readers to a new supernatural creature and immerse them in a world where humans must fight daily to survive.

Complete at 104,000 words.

 
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adventure, fantasy, future, romance, self-discovery, supernatural

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8

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    I had been leaning across from the red door for about ten minutes, thinking about everything I had heard and seen today, when I began to have the very uncomfortable feeling I was being watched.  So I glanced up and down the hall until I saw Nate standing in the doorway to one of the stairwells.  She was surrounded by shadows and staring directly at me.  I glanced again around the hall, only to realize we were somehow the only ones there, and pushed away from the wall, not knowing what to do. 

At that moment, the door across from me swung open, and Glenna stepped out.  “Oh, Haylee.  I was just about to come find you.  Sabella is ready if you are,” she gestured toward the dark room beyond. 

I glanced once more down the hallway and, seeing no one, nodded and stepped through the door.  It closed behind me, Glenna on the other side.

“Hello, again.  It seems quite a bit has happened since we last spoke.”  The flame of a single candle lit the woman across the room.  “You are wondering about the candles, yes?”

“Uh, actually, yeah.”  I slowly moved forward and sat in the chair across from her. 

“Everyone who passes beyond the Red must have a representative light,” she said, as if I understood what this meant.  “A source of protection on this side.  Often shields are down, and one must take precautions.  It will be especially important when I am training you to defend yourself psychically, at least until you have mastered it.  Of course, even then you are more open to attack whenever you cross over.”

“If I’m vulnerable to attack on this side anyway, why train me at all?”

“Because, without it, you are also more susceptible out there,” she nodded toward the door.  

“I see…” So, Derik had been right, probably on both counts.  I did need training.

“You have more questions?”

“Oh…  I guess I do.  Something Glenna said earlier has been nagging at me.  She mentioned how Derik and, well, Nate came here with nowhere else to go.  What did she mean by that exactly?”

“Well, I suppose it’s common knowledge around the compound…  So there is no reason I could not tell you the story.  I believe it was about five years ago.  A group of ours was out scavenging, as we are required to do from time to time, when they were attacked by a small mob of Pale Ones.  We were no match for their strength, we never were in those days.  Two people were killed before Derik swooped in.  He was as strong as them, stronger than each individually, and they had no choice but to scatter.  He then helped us carry the wounded back.  Somehow, Glenna convinced him to stay, said we needed him.  And he’s been here ever since, teaching us to fight and defend ourselves.  In a way, he’s become honorary leader, sharing the title unofficially with Glenna.  His knowledge of the Amara has been very helpful, as well, as it has given us much insight into their tactics and habits.  He is one of us, part of our family, now.  It is as if he has always been here.”

“Where was he?  What did he do before he came here?”

“We didn’t ask.  We owed him too much.  The past is past, as they say.”

I sat for a moment.  “What about Nate, then?”

“Well… Nate is a slightly different story… She showed up about two years or so ago, wounded, running for her life.  They were hunting her down, after she had gotten separated from her own foraging group.  She received attention from Derik almost immediately and now has the respect of most, if not all, of us.”

“She didn’t go back to her people?”

“She could not.  Only she survived the attack.  Though I do not know that she would have if she could.”

“I see.”  Maybe I had judged Nate prematurely.  Perhaps she only felt I was infringing on her terrain and was jealous of the attention I had been receiving from Derik, however absurd the idea.  She obviously had feelings for him, so I just had to find a way to show her I wasn’t after him.

“So you have had encounters with Nate, then?” Sabella leaned forward in her chair.

I glanced up.  How much had she gotten from me?  “Yes.  She doesn’t like me much.”

“I supposed she would not.” She studied me, as she leaned back.  “What do you think of her?”

I was surprised.  “Uh, I’m not entirely sure.  I haven’t really spoken with her.  When Derik tried to get her to train me, I – oh,” I caught myself.  Keeping secrets was not my strongest trait.  Then again, how was I to keep something from someone who could read my mind?  “I…”

“No worries.  Derik’s disinterest in training you himself has already been brought to my attention.  Go on, please.”  She did not seem upset by his noncompliance.

“I… had the feeling she disliked me intensely.  And I told him so and that I didn’t want her to train me.  I’m afraid to be alone with her, honestly.”

“And what was his reaction?”

“He seemed shocked by my response.  I guess though it would be irritating to have someone speak of your mate in that way… I don’t know.” 

“Yes.” She simply stared at me.  “I suppose so.  Well, do you have any other questions before we begin?”

I thought for a moment.  I had hoped for more elaboration on her part about the partner policy, or whatever they called it.  But she changed gears without divulging even the smallest detail about Derik’s relationship with Nate.  Then again, it was none of my business.  Why did I even care?  I didn’t.  Did I?  “No.  Not that I can think of, anyway.”

“Alright, then.  Let’s start with clearing your mind.  Close your eyes and relax into your chair.  Let your body just sink into it.  Allow everything to go limp.  And breathe.  Don’t think about anything.  Simply focus on the empty space.  Okay.”

Somehow I felt as though I was floating.  I couldn’t feel the chair beneath me.  I was suspended in space, empty, infinite.  I could hear only her voice.

“Alright, now let’s try something else.  In order to begin building your defenses, you must have a sense of security, so we’ll need to locate that security.  We need to find something that makes you feel safe…  Let your mind wander a bit – but not too far now.  Just inch out of yourself a bit at a time.  Now, tell me what you are experiencing.  What do you hear?  See, feel?  Tell me everything.”

I pushed out a tiny bit, felt a slight barrier, and replied, “Something’s blocking my way.”

“That is alright.  Quite natural.  Just push ever so slightly.  Be very gentle.  Otherwise you could force yourself too far.”

I gave the slightest of pushes but whatever it was would not give.  So, I pushed a little harder and harder, until I burst through to the other side.  Dazzling light surrounded me, disoriented me.  It was too bright.

“Slow down now…” she said, soothingly.  Her voice seemed a little distant.  “You pushed little too far, but you should be alright.  You shouldn’t encounter any more barriers.  That was your own subconscious keeping you in.  It often happens at first, when you are unused to the act.  Later, you will have little to no trouble at all.  But go on, keep searching.”

So I did.  I thought I heard voices, so I focused on them, until I could also begin to make out shapes.  When I focused even harder, those shapes became clearer.  They were people.  Where am I?  I still felt weightless but now I could make out my surroundings.  I realized it must be the room across the hall.  I couldn’t exactly recognize anyone there, for they were more like glowing shapes of humans.  None were exactly the same, some were brighter than others, and each was a different shade of varying colors.  The brightest light, a calming shade of cerulean blue, came through the door and spoke. 

“Jacob, do you think the water will last until the next trip out?”

Glenna!

It made sense, her being all glowy-blue and all.

“Yeah… I think so.  Though we did lose quite a bit of it the other night,” said a slightly duller green figure.

“Fine.  I’ll let Derik know then.  I was on my way to find him.  You have not seen him, by any chance?”

“No, I’m afraid not, Glenna.  Sorry.  If any of us do, we’ll let him know you’re looking for him, though.”

“I would greatly appreciate that.”  And out the door she went.  I felt compelled to follow her serene glow.  She made me feel the safest, and if I was looking for security, she might be it.  I realized too I didn’t feel safe because I knew her better than any of the others but I was drawn to her brightness and warmth, what could only be her aura.

I followed her past several figures of varying radiance and color.  It felt later in the day then it should have.  More people filled the hall than earlier.  Following Glenna took little effort.  I simply had to think of her, focus on her brilliance, and I floated along behind her.

She inquired of Derik’s whereabouts a few more times before pausing in another doorway.  “Have you seen Derik, lately?”

I couldn’t see to whom she spoke, so I focused on the room and was pulled through the wall dividing us.  And nearly couldn’t stop.  I found myself face to face, so to speak, with darkness, and it nearly devoured me.  Where there seemed there should be some form of light, there was nothing.  A vacuum.  A black hole.  It terrified me.

It gripped me so I could not make out the voice or any of my surroundings.   I looked to Glenna and saw the slightest bit of her sucked into it.  It.  I could think of no other term for the figure.  I had no way of knowing if it was male or female, and was now kicking myself for not hearing the voice.  When I felt Glenna pulling away from me, I nearly panicked.  Don’t leave me alone with it!  I had to focus harder than ever to return to her side.  It took too long, and though I was brought down the stairs in her wake, I could not find her.  I was becoming frantic.  With the feeling of that void still on me, still pulling, I needed a connection, and Glenna was all I had.  Instead of thinking of Glenna, I concentrated on familiarity and security itself, hoping to find another way to be drawn to her.  In my desperation, I focused too fiercely, and found myself hurtling along.  In my flight, I saw her, up ahead.  But it was not her I was rushing toward.  Another figure in front of her, of muddled color and the feel of an overcast day, came into my vision and before I could stop myself, we collided.  Instantly, I felt a sense of security and belonging. 

Oh thank you, thank you, I thought.  It was terrible.  So horrible.  Thank you…  I was now desperate with relief.

“Are you alright?” I heard Glenna ask with concern.  “You look a little pale.”

“I’ll be fine…  I just need to go sit somewhere alone for a moment…” Whoever it was sounded shaken, obviously not him or her self. 

“Alright…  Get some rest.  You have not been getting enough.”  I felt her hand brush mine.  Er, ours?  Theirs.  That was strange…

I clung to the person, as they moved away from her and down the hall.  It was as though I had no choice.  I felt, if I let go, I would be sucked away.  Gone, forever. 

They entered an empty room and firmly closed the door.  “Get out,” he said, mouthing the words carefully.  He. 

Derik?!  Is that really you?  I asked without speaking.

“Who else would it be?!  Now get out.  Now.”  He was angry.  Again.  But I could feel why he was angry, and that was new.  He was angry at the intrusion, at my barging in on his privacy, his personal space.  He tried very hard at blocking something.  Something I suddenly felt the need to see.  “Stop!”  And all his barriers came up.  I was struck and everything was spinning.  I now understood why his aura had appeared cloudy.  He was hiding something, some part of himself.  He was guarded.

I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean anything.  It was terrible.   It almost had me.  The fear was coming back.  Please, please, don’t make me go… I’m not even sure I could if I wanted to.

“What do you mean, you can’t?  And what are you talking about?” he continued in hushed tones, so no one thought he was talking to himself.

Someone here is a big black hole, sucking the life and light from everyone.  It’s not enough to notice.  I’d say everyone recovers before they even know it’s happened.  They didn’t know I was there, but I saw them and must be especially vulnerable in this state.  I felt the pull until the moment I collided with you.  Now I’m afraid to let go and I’ve moved with you without trying…  I’m not really that sorry, I guess, ‘cause I feel better now.

“Someone?”  I felt him narrow his eyes.  “What do you mean?  You don’t know who it was then?”  He guarded his thoughts well.

No.  I can’t see faces, only shapes and auras – I guess that’s what they are, anyway…  They spoke but I freaked out and couldn’t hear them clearly.  So, no, I don’t know who it was…

“Well, calm down then,” he tried to sound soothing, but I could feel his mind reeling even though I had no way of knowing what he was thinking.  “I can feel your fear…” he stopped himself, but I heard the tail end as he thought it  …and I don’t like it…  His barriers dropped for an instant, as something dark stirred there.  Then he pulled them back into place.  “We need to get you out of… here.”  We moved toward the door.

What is it you feel the need to bury so deeply… I keep getting the impression, if you were more open to this, you wouldn’t have to talk out loud.  If you trusted me, I think I could hear your thoughts instead.  I thought this at him, as he reached for the doorknob.

“Yeah… we’ve really gotta get you out of my head.”  As before, he ignored everyone in the hall and made his way to the stairs.  I couldn’t get a clear view of anyone, as we went, but was also afraid to look at the same time.  So I merely held on – tightly – for the ride.  When I looked ahead, I caught a glimpse of the red door through his eyes.  When I looked again, I saw a white outline only, as if some great light existed beyond.  We, er, he knocked, and the door swung open.  I was so stunned by the brilliance of the light, Derik nearly stumbled into the room.   The door closed behind us.

“Well, hello, Derik.  I see you’ve brought Haylee back to herself?” Sabella spoke, solemnly.  “This is highly unorthodox, though I do appreciate the consideration.”

He felt as if she was baiting him.  My knowing this irritated him even more.  “Can we just get her out of my head?”  As he moved closer to her, I felt a vibrating.  I looked through his eyes and saw the back of my chair.  He placed his hands on the back of it, and the vibrations were nearly too much for me to bear.

“I do not think we will have any trouble getting her back where she belongs.  Though there could be some disorientation for both of you.  I believe you’re already feeling it.” She indicated the front of the chair.  “It will be a much smoother ride for her if you touch her.”

So Derik came around the chair, and when I had almost glimpsed myself, everything blurred.  The vibrations were so strong I could no longer focus my energy on sight.  But I felt Derik fall to his knees, rather abruptly.  Was he feeling the vibrations too?  Or was he just eager to be rid of me?  I couldn’t tell anymore, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to anyway.  I felt him reach out and, suddenly, I was water.  I was air.  I was flowing back into myself.  It would have been amazing had it not also been painful.  I was being ripped away from him.  And it was disorienting, mainly, because of the motion.  But also because I didn’t know why it was so painful.  I was losing that sense of belonging and felt as though I was losing a part of myself along the way but couldn’t understand why.

I felt suddenly very heavy, and everything was dark.  I could feel the pressure of the chair in my back and the floor beneath my feet.  But what I felt most was a slight pressure over my hand.  A connection existed there.  I opened my eyes to see Derik staring back at me.  He looked so tired.  When he removed his hand from mine, I had the urge to touch his face and tried to rise up from the chair, but found I could barely move.  “Wow,” was all I managed.

“You’re telling me…”

I looked back to him and noticed he wasn’t kneeling in front of me but sitting at my feet, as though what ever had happened had taken nearly the toll on him it had on me. 

“I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean for any of this to happen… I was just trying to find my security and then that darkness…” I shivered.  “Sabella, I saw something terrible.  Someone here is not what they seem.”

“I know.  I heard everything.  You spoke your thoughts aloud and showed physical signs of your emotions.  Even I was afraid for you.  I cannot imagine what it was like to actually feel that fear.”  She looked down to Derik who refused to meet her eyes. 

“Do you know who it was?” I asked her.

She stared at Derik for another moment before answering, “Alas, I do not.  Though it does cause me to worry.  Derik, what are your thoughts?”

He glanced up at her.  “What?  My thoughts on the identity of our mysterious black hole?  I don’t know,” he said quickly.  Then he added, “If Haylee hadn’t been so genuinely afraid, I might have thought she was imagining things… Truthfully, after the fact, I’m not so fully convinced.”  At my look of rebuttal, he said, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep my eyes open for signs.  I’m not stupid.”

“There is something else now we must discuss,” Sabella went on.  “It involves you both.  Nothing like this has ever happened before.  There may be repercussions.”

“What do you mean, repercussions?” Derik nearly growled.

“Well, the two of you already shared a connection before – oh, come now, Derik, you felt it – but it may be a bit more pronounced after this.”

I finally managed to sit up, causing him to pull a little further away.  “What do you mean?  What does she mean?” I directed the question to him.

She answered, “Being a part of someone in that manner is a very rare thing.  Whatever connection the two of you shared before can only be strengthened by it.”

“But I don’t understand… What connection?” I frowned.

“She thinks we’re each other’s Other Half,” Derik replied.

I felt my jaw drop.  “Wha – How?  You mean, the mate theory I’ve heard about?  That’s not possible… Is it?  I mean, Nate’s your mate, right?”

He looked up at me, startled.  I had not yet seen that look on his face, could never have imagined it there.  Then, startling me even more, he let out a small laugh.  “Nate.  Me and Nate?  Just because I’m around her more often than other women, they all assume we’re mated.” His meager smile faded.  “What, a man and woman can’t – ” He glanced at me and looked away, clearing his throat.  “Never mind.  It doesn’t matter.  We,” he indicated us, “are not connected.  And that’s that.”

I tried not to be hurt by his flat-out refusal of the notion.  It’s not like it mattered, but what was so bad about the idea of us being connected at all.  Without all the “Other Half” mumbo-jumbo, it wouldn’t be so terrible, would it? 

Sabella interrupted my musings, “Well, you know it is not for me to say who is the other half of whom, as that is for you to discover in your own time.  Either way, you cannot deny a connection, whether you like it or not.”

Derik just rolled his eyes and proceeded to get up off the floor.

“Well, Little Miss Haylee, I believe our exercise is over for today.  You will need to rest for a few days before we attempt anything else.  These sessions will take a lot out of you, as you will see.  I believe we should alternate them with the training Derik will be providing.”  She turned her attention to him again.  “If she is ready tomorrow, begin her lessons, Derik.  If not tomorrow, then the next day should be adequate.”

I pulled myself out of the chair and used it for stability.  “Thank you again, Sabella.  I’ve never experienced anything like this before.  I hope it wasn’t all for nothing.”

She smiled.  “I think not.  You found what you needed, so we will move on from there.  In regards to this unknown person among us, the first line of defense is knowing the threat exists.”  Then she frowned and turned once more to Derik.  “Keep this one safe, Derik.  Keep her safe.”  He met her eyes for a moment and turned abruptly toward the door. 

I realized I did feel more connected to him than before, but still was unsure of what that meant, as I followed his example in leaving the room.

 

 

 

Chapters

8

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OpheliaWrites wrote 544 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

tricia_d wrote 628 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

Jacoba wrote 634 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

Shelby Z. wrote 222 days ago

Terra Incognita by Heather Riffle
Gripping!
I was pulled into the story from the opener. I like how you made it seem that she was being attacked by a savage animal, but it only turned out to be a fun game with the dog.
The phone call between her an her mom was long and drawn out, but otherwise everything else was gripping. I like how well you set up mystery and curious elements that the reader can't help but wonder what will happen or why is this so important.
Your style is drawing as well as smooth. I found no errors or choppy places at all.
I don't know why I haven't read this before, it is good.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Kristen_Undead wrote 249 days ago

Hi Heather,

I think you have a great concept with Terra Incognita. However, I think it could use a little tightening.

I might consider scrapping the first paragraph about Lobo. The way you opened, I was expecting a werewolf or some other sort of hell beast. It would be stronger if you dove right into Bethany's death. I would probably also break Chapter 1 at the point when the Sheriff comes to give that scene a little more impact and make it easier to digest everything we are learning in the beginning of the story.

I read the first three chapters. Are Glenna and Derik the pale ones? Haylee seems to accept these newcomers easily, especially after finding out she had been unconscious. Do her dream sequences have anything to do with them?

I would also check for unnecessary words like "so".

I think you're leading to a great set up and I'm interested to see where this goes!
Kristen
Immortal Dilemma

Julie_Undead wrote 261 days ago

Hi Heather!
I looked at 6 random chapters and was tempted to go back and start in order. The writing is really smooth, and I think you were right on to lower your MC's age...this definitely reads as YA, despite the eff word. :) Certainly a strong storyline, and I love your take on the supernatural... very unique. I believe you're on the right track here, and should absolutely seek out some more reviews to work toward that editor's desk!

--Julie
Running Home

Hannah Kytiryn wrote 368 days ago

I've rated and up you on my watchlist. :)

Chaos Magician Andrea wrote 431 days ago

Heather! This book is absolutely amazing! You had me hooked since page one and I have been unable to deviate my attention long enough to do much else today. When I couldn't be on my computer reading it, I was on my phone soaking it all up! I am absolutely in love with Darik and Haylee and am very anxious to read the rest. I couldn't flip the page fast enough and was shocked when it ended where it did. GREAT story, great characters, great read. I have nothing negative at all to say about this other than that I need more =)

Would be shocked if you didn't get an agent soon with this!

Andrea
A Perception of Dreams

TaniaJohansson wrote 435 days ago

So, I know I have already commented on this book, but I have now read all the way through. It is brilliant. My only problem now is that I cannot read the rest of it!
You are obviously such a talented author and I wish you all the best!!

TaniaJohansson wrote 436 days ago

Where to start? I Loved this book (yes capital L)! It has me completley hooked. I am up to chapter seven and will continue reading. It is so well written. Your dialogue in particular is excellent. The conversations feel completely real and natural.
The premise for the story is so interesting and from the off you built the suspense brilliantly. I found myself neglecting other things to find more time to read your book.
I immediately felt captured by Haylee. Amazing characterization.
To sum this up, I want this book on my bookshelf...my actual bookshelf (and of course on my kindle).
I wish you all the best with this! You deserve success with such a fantastic manuscript!

Oriax wrote 478 days ago

Hello Heather,
This really flows well. The dialogue is convincingly natural. I especially liked Haylee’s conversation with the sheriff. The description just enough to paint the scenery not too much to clutter the story with unecessary detail. You build up the suspense well, with the latch on the gate, the dog being attracted to something Haylee can’t see. Just one thing I thought of, the branch tapping against the window is a bit Wuthering Heights, and there it’s used to explain a dream sound of fingers tapping on the window. Would it be enough to have been woken by Lobo howling?

The end of paragraph six, chapter two is a bit strange:
‘Oddly, I felt drawn to the trail, awed by it somehow, but with this nagging sense of dread pressing up through it. I nearly took a step toward it…’ The sense of dread was pressing up through the trail?

I completely agree about the clown, they are horribly creepy. I like the way you say Haylee dropped the frame as if there had been a spider on it – exactly the right image for the situation.


Haylee certainly behaves like a cool customer, running after the dog into the woods that she has already had uneasy feelings about, in a thunderstorm, alone and leaving the house open behind her. By the time she is attacked by the pale man it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect Haylee to be half dead with fear! What seems to me to be missing is emotion. Haylee doesn’t register much fear at all. The same thought struck me a little later on when Glenna explains that Lobo is probably dead. I’d have expected Haylee to be choked up.

Glenna and Derik don’t seem to speak the same language. Glenna is very formal and stiff and speaks English as though it isn’t her first language; Derik talks like a regular kind of guy. Is this a social signal?

Chapter four I liked the description of the roof garden, which seemed a very sensible idea, liked the elements of mystery you introduce, like the lack of children, the lack of rain. But I found the section with the old lady confusing. Haylee blinks and wonders how long she has been staring at the old lady without blinking, she turns to Derik and they start a rather irritable conversation that excludes the old lady altogether. I wondered whether there had been a flash forward and we were no longer in the red room.

I have enjoyed the story so far, you have a good idea and you write very well. The first section in our time, to my mind works better than the chapters set in the future. Partly I think because you need to do a lot of explaining and introduce new characters. We are always being told to drip feed the explanations, only bringing them in when you can’t do otherwise. Big chunks of background tend to crowd out character development; it’s hard to do both at the same time. In chapter 3 Glenna tells Haylee an awful lot, but asks very few questions. Maybe you could balance it up a little and let Haylee discover the strangeness of the place bit by bit for herself.
I’ve given this high stars and I’m leaving it on my watchlist to read on later.
Jane



Julio Guzman wrote 482 days ago

Hi!
Just read your first chapter and I liked it...a lot! The opening to this was simply classic, so dramatic lol. Your writing is so unique and from the way I'm seeing it, flawless. Your storytelling abilities are undeniable and your dialogue is realistic and flows very well. I'm looking forward to reading more of this!

Six stars, good luck!

OpheliaWrites wrote 544 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

R K Alan wrote 544 days ago

Hello, Heather, and thank you for a delightful read. I enjoyed your descriptive narrative as it enlivened the world for me. You have a keen attention to detail. Your dialogue, the banter between mother and daughter seemed genuine and unforced.

I noted an odd bit when she woke from a rumble (thunder I assume) and then reacted to a flash (lightening I presumed). This is out of sequence as lightening precedes thunder.

You set up the tension nicely as she struggled between normalcy, the death of her aunt and the dread that the reader senses around her. Very Hitchcock-like and works well to establish the tension.

Good luck with this and I'll return for more when I have more time. Ray

OpheliaWrites wrote 585 days ago

CH.1

I was drawn to the book by the cover, looking over a friend's shelf, and I am SO GLAD I ventured to read. Chapter one was flawless, engaging, exciting, etc. I love the name Lobo and your little trick at the beginning. It certainly worked! Starred and watchlisted!

DesiS. wrote 589 days ago

I know that a story is good when I get insomnia- in that I am staying up late reading what happens next instead of going to sleep, and am dead tired at work the next day! Where you shine is in your character development. I think the development of mystery around Derik was done especially well. After an initial slow start the pacing was done well.

Some things I was wondering about in the story- I am surprised that when she finds herself in the future Haylee doesn't think more about what she left behind-that all her family/ friends are dead ect. In Chapter 4 I keep wanting her to look for dates on the trophys or dates in the magazines- copy write dates in the books- if she is curious when the pale ones took over it, would seem she would look for these to get a clue about when society as we know it ended.

Editorial issues: Chapter 1(part 1) - "...I'm real sorry for you (your?) loss." Chapter Two- the fraction 3/4 comes up repeatedly- not sure what to make of this unusual typo- computer glitch? Examples- "Right, but 3/4" and " I 3/4 I've 3/4 I just haven't." and "...some other dimension, or 3/4 or something. I 3/4 I don't know." Section 16- "I3/4 I think so," "I'm fine 3/4 fine," and "But this3/4 water is 3/4 pretty 3/4 heavy."
Section 26- "I bulked (balked?),...

I did really enjoy this story and would love to know what happens next. Are you going to post more? 5 stars and backed. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

difloyd wrote 618 days ago

Thanks for supporting my sister, Ellise Weaver, and her book. It means a great deal to both of us. You might want to check out her new cover...I know she would love to know what you think and if you've finished the book. And to say a proper thank you I'll check out your book and give you high marks!

Thanks again,

Diane

tricia_d wrote 628 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

MichelleThuis wrote 630 days ago

ch 1. I feel like in the first section, something should be said about still feeling uneasy. No killer has been caught or found. Isn't she worried it could still be out there? I would be.

See, you are doing a good job of freaking me out. Especially in that second section. But it would feel more realistic if she were scared too. Characters in horror scenes are so often so oblivious to the fact that if they were a real human being, they'd be freaked out too. They just happy go lucky go check the window, etc. And never think about possible killer people/beasts/something still out there. :)

Enjoying this so far. Good writing. I don't like the 'so' at the beginning of the 'so, arms shaking' sentence in the first paragraph. It seems like it might be better without the so. However, I'm not sure about that.

Ok, at least now she's got some fear. Seems a little late though.

You seem to start quite a few sentences with 'so'. I think it might be a bad thing.

Her thought when her mom gets off the phone is too harsh. "Well, I should get going," as though nothing significant said. Why should she say good bye any other way? :)

Ok, if my aunt died a bloody death and I was in a home alone, my natural reaction would not be to take strange opening and closing gates and think I was over-reacting. My reaction would be, "Holy crap. I might be over-reacting, but I just went through a bad situation, so I'm ok with the fact that I am over-reacting. Seems natural. I am NOT sleeping here alone tonight. Even if it's silly. I'm just not."

If something came into the yard and the dog was outside, how did they not fight? Just a thought.

And really, I'm enjoying the writing and the story. But I feel like you're doing the usual, "Make my character dumber for the sake of the plot" mistake. I'd be freaked out if I were her. I'd be over-reacting, not under-reacting. Just a thought.

MichelleThuis wrote 630 days ago

ch 1. I love the opening sentence. So nonchalant. I really love it. I'll read more soon. :)

Heather Riffle wrote 634 days ago

Hi, Jacoba!

Thank you very much for you comment! Of course, I would love and appreciate any further feedback you have that might better my book, so feel free to message them through. As soon as I have done a little editing to the next few chapters, I'll post them and let you know. I hope they live up to your feelings thus far. Again, thank you, and I can hardly wait to hear what else you have to say! I really appreciate that you took the time to read Terra Incognita and comment.

Heather

Jacoba wrote 634 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

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