Book Jacket

 

rank 502
word count 92398
date submitted 21.08.2011
date updated 25.08.2012
genres: Romance, Fantasy, Horror, Young Adu...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Terra Incognita

Heather Riffle

A girl must survive a future ruled by the "Pale Ones," while discovering love, friendship and a fate greater than she could ever believe possible.

 

Seventeen-year old Haylee Wells thought her mother pressuring her to choose a college was her only problem. But between her aunt’s death and a wraithlike creature attacking, she suddenly has much more to handle. When she finds herself in a post-apocalyptic future where these creatures reign and can kill with a single touch, she takes refuge with a group of humans who have their own special abilities. She needs to find her way home. But the connection she shares with Derik – the duty-bound protector of the group – and her own developing abilities complicate things further. If she fails to realize the power within herself, she risks becoming a slave to the Pale Ones and never returning home.

A YA post-apocalyptic paranormal with romantic elements, TERRA INCOGNITA will introduce readers to a new supernatural creature and immerse them in a world where humans must fight daily to survive.

Complete at 104,000 words.

 
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adventure, fantasy, future, romance, self-discovery, supernatural

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Downstairs, people were up to their usual purposeful movements, some hurrying through dinner.  I realized I hadn’t eaten in several hours, as I rushed by the cafeteria once more.  By the time my eyes adjusted to the new dimness, I was near the main door. 

“Hey!  You came!” I heard Gamut exclaim.

I smiled at his reaction and was amused when Grange followed with an annoyed sigh.  “Yep.  I said I would.”  I stopped in front of him and blushed a little when he didn’t look away.  “Did I miss anything?”

“Nope.  Nothing.  We’ll be relieved soon.”  He paused awkwardly.  “I was wondering…  If you haven’t eaten yet…  Would you want to, um… Would you have dinner with me?”

His question took me off guard.  “Really?  Uh, sure.  I’d love to eat dinner with you… Um, if you want.”  My heart was beating a little fast.  Was I nervous?  It must have been the way he stared at me.

“Of course!  I’ll walk with you to the cafeteria, when the others take our place.  It shouldn’t be long now.  I was so sure you weren’t going to be able to make it,” he laughed uncertainly.

“Um, I’ll just sit over here.”  I pointed to the closest of the old trophy cases.  As I climbed up, I made myself take a deep breath and continued to take in my surroundings.  I could feel Gamut’s eyes on me from time to time but did my best to ignore it.

Their replacements were early.  As I watched them approach, I made out a larger figure behind them.  Did he oversee each changing of the guard?

Derik eyed me, as he passed by.  “Grange.  Gamut.”  He nodded to them.  “Just making a round for the afternoon.  Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary?” he asked, as he climbed onto a window ledge to peer over the boards.  He was tall enough to see without stretching, and I couldn’t help but stare at him as he made the fluid movement up.  It looked effortless.  My heart was racing now, and I struggled to catch my breath.

Grange answered, “No, sir.  Nothing.  Gamut?”

“Huh?”  Gamut had been watching me.  Had he noticed my reaction to Derik?  I hoped not.  “Uh, no.”  He looked at Derik briefly, then slid his eyes back to me.  “Nothing important’s escaped my sight.”  This statement brought a deep blush, one I was sure was noticeable through my sunburn, even in the dim lighting.  I dipped my head and hid my face from view.  Sheesh.  What was with this kid? 

“Right,” Grange said under his breath.

Then I heard Derik’s feet hit the floor and jumped a little.  He looked at Gamut through narrowed eyes, obviously not taking to his implied meaning.  But he continued past the two of them.  “Switch off,” was all he said, and they handed their weapons over to the other men I had nearly forgotten. 

Gamut reached a hand out to me.  “Shall we?”  His eyes met mine.

I couldn’t help but smile at his directness.  “Sure, why not.”  And I allowed him to help me down from the trophy case.  It was another moment before he released my hand.  Grange was following Derik up ahead of us, as we made our way toward the cafeteria, and threw a look over his shoulder.  It wasn’t exactly nice, but it wasn’t menacing either.  More like something an annoyed friend might do.  I leaned toward Gamut slightly.  “What’s Grange’s deal?”

“Oh, him?  He’s just a killjoy.  He feels I wasn’t taking the job seriously enough because you were distracting me.” He smiled smugly.

I glanced at him in alarm.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to –”

He stopped me.  “Hey don’t worry about it.  I’m not gonna say you weren’t a distraction.  A welcome one.”  His smile was somewhat shy now.  “But I take the work seriously.  I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t.  Besides, he’s just jealous.”  And he continued walking.

I stood grounded for a second, then followed.  “Jealous?  Why?” I asked, genuinely confused.

He laughed, “Seriously,” and rolled his eyes.  “Come on, I’m starving.”  He led me into the cafeteria.

I glanced back into the hall and saw Derik standing, arms crossed, in the shadows.  Did he disapprove of my being by the main door?  Or did he dislike Gamut?  And why did it matter?  He wasn’t my father.  I returned my attention to Gamut.  Even in the diminishing light, I could see better than in the hall.  Now I could make out more than just his size.  He was about a foot taller than me, and lean.  But now I could see the shade of his warm skin and his dark eyes.  Dimples formed in his cheeks when he smiled, and he never stopped smiling, as far as I could tell.  We went through the line together, and I tried to remain oblivious to the stares around us. 

“So, what were you thinking about earlier?” he asked, as we sat. 

“When?”

He smiled even bigger at my blank stare.  “The first time you came to the main door.  When you stood at that section out of the wall?”  He gestured over his shoulder.

I looked down embarrassed, as I remembered hoping they hadn’t noticed. 

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to be – well, yes, I guess I did mean to be nosey.  Sorry,” he said sheepishly.  “You don’t have to tell me.”

Suddenly I felt almost guilty.  “No, it’s not that… Um, do you know anything about me?  I mean, have you heard how I came to be here?”  I put my spoon down.

He actually blushed a little but kept eye contact with me.  “Well, I’ve heard a few things being tossed around…” He noticed my eyes widen and rushed on, “But I don’t believe most of it.  Karroll said she spoke to you, and you told her what really happened.  Though, to tell the truth, I wouldn’t have believed it from anyone else.”  He reached across the table and rested his hand on mine.  “It’s an amazing story.”

I exhaled a quick breath, “Yeah,” and did my best not to pull my hand away, afraid of hurting his feelings.  When I did pull it back, I moved it to my spoon to continue eating.  I looked down at my bowl, as I continued talking.  “I was just thinking… about—well, those spaces in the walls used to be trophy cases.”  I glanced up at him.

He frowned for the first time.  “Trophy cases?  Really.  Huh.  I guess that makes sense.  What kind of trophies?”  He started eating his food again.

“Oh, well, different sports, mostly.  Baseball, softball, basketball, a few track and field, and some cheerleading.”  I thought about it for a second.  “I think there might have been one for an academic competition and a few music awards, too.” 

He perked up some more.  “Oh!  I’ve read about baseball!  Seen some pictures in a book upstairs.  That’s the one where you hit the ball with the stick, right?  They called it a bat?”

“Yeah, that’s the one,” I nodded. 

“What’s cheer – cheerleading?” 

I stopped eating.  I had never been much into sports in school, so I wasn’t the best person to be answering these questions but did my best.  “Well, it’s basically the group of people, girls mostly, trained to cheer for the sports teams at school.  They practiced almost as much as the other athletes but had pompoms and jumped around in these little—never mind, you wouldn’t be interested in it.”  I started eating again.

“Oh, I don’t know… That sounds like something I’d be interested in,” he smiled slyly.  Guys really don’t change all that much.  He could tell, by the look on my face, I wasn’t angry, only slightly amused.  “You still haven’t told me what you were thinking about though.”

I paused again and pushed the nearly empty bowl to the side, as I collected my thoughts.  “Well.”  I sighed.  “So, you believe the whole time-travel thing, then?”  I looked at him.

His eyes turned grave.  “If Sabella says it’s so, then I believe.  But what’s more important is do you believe?”  He had moved his bowl to the side as well and placed his hands around mine, holding them in place.

That alone would have made me nervous, but his eyes on me made my heart beat faster.  It was nothing compared to my reactions to Derik but a reaction nonetheless.  And why I was thinking of Derik at that moment, I didn’t know.  I took a deep breath.  “It makes sense to me, I guess.  Though I’ve always thought that time-travel could be possible, I never imagined experiencing it myself.  But somehow it seems… logical?  I don’t know, but… yes.  I do believe it.  Besides, it’s hard to argue with Sabella.”  I almost laughed.  “Really, it’s a bit overwhelming.”  I slumped over and dropped my head down between my arms, resting my forehead in the triangle they formed.  The table was cool against my face. 

I felt one of his hands move to my hair, smoothing it down.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize.  I should have but I didn’t.  It would be immensely trying.”  He lowered his voice, as he moved closer to me.  “But don’t worry, please.  You have friends here.  Glenna, Sabella, Karroll and Merritt.  And I’m here.  I’d like to be your friend.  Anything you need, anything at all.  Don’t hesitate.”  He paused and I felt his hands tense ever so slightly over my hair.  “And I’m sure Derik cares for your well-being to some degree, as closely as he’s been watching you these last few moments.”

I raised my head suddenly, Gamut’s fingers trailing through my hair, and I followed his gaze to see Derik start walking toward us.  Gamut’s hands rested lightly on mine again, and I pulled back from him slowly, as Derik got closer. 

“Has Glenna spoken with you?” he asked.

I shook my head dumbly. 

“She says she’s unable to ‘attend’ to your first aid training today.  She asked me to do it but—”

“But you don’t have time, right?” I asked.

Derik glanced between Gamut and me before continuing.  “Actually—”

“Hey, that’s alright,” Gamut interrupted.  “I know the workings of the infirmary forwards and backwards.  I can show Haylee everything she needs to know.”

Derik hesitated, seeming to struggle with what to say or do next.  That was odd.  He didn’t seem the type to ever have that kind of trouble.  He looked as though he might be angry but closed his eyes briefly before speaking to me.  “Is that what you would like?” he asked, with a controlled voice. 

He’d asked what I wanted?  I didn’t know what to say.  I imagined I risked hurting Gamut’s feelings more, as I couldn’t see why Derik would care what I did, as long as I didn’t cause any more trouble.  “I, uh… I guess, if it’s not any trouble, Gamut could show me.”  I looked at Gamut tentatively.

He smiled at me.  “It’s no trouble.  We’ll head straight over.”

I turned to Derik, who wasn’t looking at me.  He straightened.  “Great.  Get to it then.”  He started to leave.  “We should start with the self-defense tomorrow,” he said, as he left.

“Uh, okay,” I called after him.  I watched him leave. 

“So.  Are you ready to get started?” Gamut asked, regaining my attention.

“Sure.  As soon as you are.”  And we headed out.

Once we were in the infirmary, Gamut lit some lanterns, and the room was nearly as bright as if we had flipped a switch.

“It’s too bad we don’t have electricity,” I commented.

“Oh.  Well, we could, but we don’t have any light bulbs so…  But we’ve got somebody working on that,” he replied.

I frowned.  “What do you mean ‘we could’?”  I perched on the examination table.

“Well, we do have an electrician.  Someone who specializes in electricity,” he clarified.  “So, if we had the light bulbs, we could have the artificial lighting.”

“Oh, really?  How does that work?  The electricity thing.”

“We’re not exactly sure, it’s just their ability, to pull electricity from one place to another.  They don’t even need the wires, they can just sort of jump it.”

“Oh, well, that’s pretty handy,” I smiled.  “Like a generator?”

“Yeah.  And you should see him in a fight.  Now that’s something.”  He was standing close to me now, his smile faltering as he realized how close.

“Um.  What do you do?” I asked, impulsively.

He blinked and moved a little ways away.  His smile blazed again.  “A little bit of this, a little bit of that,” he joked.  “No, seriously, mine’s not all that useful.  Well, it can be in some situations.  I’m more productive in hand-to-hand situations, anyway.  But it’s more of a sensing, really…  I can tell, or feel, when I’m being watched.  It’s weird, a little tingling at the back of the neck, the base of the skull.”  He wiggled his fingers behind his head.  “Kind of like goosebumps, I guess.  I can feel their eyes on me, whoever it is, and I have an idea of where they’re watching from.  You know?”  He didn’t look at me.

“Kind of a heightened sense of awareness, huh?  You hear about things like that, to a degree.  I mean an instinctive kind of thing.  Yours is, like, what?  Several times over?”

“Well, yeah…” He glanced up and caught my look of fascination.  “I guess I almost forgot you’re not from here… you know what I mean.”

I was just remembering something.  “Is that what happened in the cafeteria?  You felt Derik watching us?  Before you saw him, I mean?”

“Yeah… He was there for a little bit before he started walking toward us.  I’m not sure why he didn’t come up right away, unless…” he trailed off.

I frowned and shook my head a little.  “Unless what?”

He thought for a moment.  “Unless he didn’t like me touching you? There seems to be something there, anyway.  I don’t know… It was probably nothing.  Don’t worry about it.”  He shrugged it off.  “Let’s get started, okay?”  He moved over to one of the cabinets and pulled a few things out.  Then, he looked up suddenly.  “Do you know CPR?”

I slid off the table.  “Actually, I do.  I had to for a job I had last summer… well, it’s been almost a year, anyway.”  I walked over to the work surface he was spreading things across.

“Oh… too bad.”  He was carefully watching what he was doing.  “I was hoping we might work on that,” he said, quietly.

Astonishment spread across my face and I gave his shoulder a playful backhand.  “Gamut.”

He looked up at me.  “What?  You can’t blame a guy for trying.”  He laughed and went back to his work.

We spent the next hour going over the various medicines in the infirmary.  He told me what worked for what ailment, how to properly care for wounds of various degrees.  The worst wounds didn’t make it to the infirmary.  But other serious injuries, more often than not, were attended by Glenna.  Most of what I learned, I had already known from past training, or would have known based on common sense.  However, many of the bottles and tubes contained medicines of which I had never heard, so the training was necessary.

“This,” he said, as he was putting things back in their proper locations, “is the burn ointment you said you used earlier?  It is made from the aloe plant.  We actually grow it up on the roof, so we can make more.  I’m telling you this, so you’ll feel free to come use it as necessary.  And so you won’t object to using more now.”  He gave me a look.  “Sit.  Please.”  And I followed his directions, trying not to laugh at his somberness.  He saw this and grinned.  “Come on, now.  If you’re going to be training with Derik tomorrow morning, you’re going to need this.  The pain may have subsided enough by then.”

My feet dangled above the floor again.  Derik was right, I’d already been in here too much.  “I’m not saying I’m not willing to use it.  It’s just… well, I can do it myself, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah.  But I can do a better job of it.  You missed some spots last time, I’m sure.  And you were timid in your application, so…” He gestured with the tube.

“Oh, alright.  I can’t argue your logic, I guess.”

“Good.  Now this won’t hurt… much.”  He smiled in mock malice and pulled my right sleeve up.  His fingers were gentle and the cream was cool.  I nearly sighed with relief.  “See?  Aren’t you glad you listened to me?”  He followed with the left arm.  “Let me check under your hair, okay?” he asked, and I lifted my hair off of my neck.  I felt him run his fingertips along the border of my shirt and I shivered a little.  “How’s that feel?  Hurt at all?”

I shook my head because that was all I could do.

“That’s good.  I don’t see anything there either.”  I could almost feel his breath on my neck, and then he pulled away.  “Okay, you can lower your hair now.”  And I did.  In front of me again, he studied my face and smiled slightly.  “Your poor red face…  and I can still tell when you’re blushing,” he teased.  “Here.”  He applied some more of the ointment to his fingertips and gently touched them to my forehead, cheeks, and nose. 

I was almost afraid to breathe.

When he was finished, he stood and stared at my face for another moment.  A look of amazement covered his.  “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen skin so fair on a human being.”  And I understood what he meant.  Most of the people here spent a great deal of time working in the sun, so even the lightest skin was well tanned.  But the Amara had skin as pale as mine.  Paler.  “I know you’re not one of them, don’t worry.  I understand how things have changed, but don’t think I’ve ever known anyone to burn so easily.  It’s just…  even as red as you are right now, you’re so…” He let out a small laugh and lowered his eyes to the tube in his hand.  “I’m sorry.  That’s inappropriate.  I shouldn’t think things like that.”  He was replacing the lid, as he turned and put the tube away.

This time I almost forgot to breathe.  What?  What shouldn’t you think?  I wanted to ask.  What was with this place?  People never act this way around me.  Maybe this is Wonderland. 

“You should be set,” he said, turning back to me with a smile.  “I should be getting to bed.  Need some rest.  No doubt you do too.  You’ve got a long day tomorrow, I’m sure.”  He held out his hand, and I placed mine in it and slid off the table.

Standing directly in front of him, my hand still in his, I said, “Thank you… for everything.  With everything that’s happened, I…” And I couldn’t go on.  I lowered my gaze to the floor.

“Hey.  There’s no need to thank me, Sunshine.  Your hair’s like sun—I’m sorry…  What?” he asked at the look on my face.

Shaking my head, I replied, “It’s nothing.”  I didn’t want to explain how my mother had always compared my hair to dishwater, and how I had trouble thinking of it in terms of sunshine.

Amused, he said, “I’ll walk you upstairs, okay?”

I just nodded, and he led me to the door.

Once we had reached the door to the room where I slept, he put one hand under my chin.  “I’m not going to say everything will be alright, okay?  Just this.  Everything will work out as it is meant to…  And I’ve heard rumors you’re meant for good things.”  He smiled as he met my eyes. 

I laughed a little.  “Really?  And who is spreading these terrible, awful lies?” I joked. 

“Don’t you worry about that, alright?  My source is legit.”  With that, he gave me a quick peck on the mouth.  And before I could react, he said, “Now, get some rest, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”  He tapped my chin with his knuckle and released the hand he had been holding.  “Remember, I’m at the main door, same time everyday.”  He went to the next room, opened it the door and, with one last glance, closed it behind him. 

I stood dumbfounded, as was my habit since I awoke in this place.  Wow.  What was happening here?  I didn’t know what to think, so I did as he suggested.  I went to bed.

 

 

 

Chapters

11

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OpheliaWrites wrote 543 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

tricia_d wrote 627 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

Jacoba wrote 633 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

Shelby Z. wrote 221 days ago

Terra Incognita by Heather Riffle
Gripping!
I was pulled into the story from the opener. I like how you made it seem that she was being attacked by a savage animal, but it only turned out to be a fun game with the dog.
The phone call between her an her mom was long and drawn out, but otherwise everything else was gripping. I like how well you set up mystery and curious elements that the reader can't help but wonder what will happen or why is this so important.
Your style is drawing as well as smooth. I found no errors or choppy places at all.
I don't know why I haven't read this before, it is good.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Kristen_Undead wrote 248 days ago

Hi Heather,

I think you have a great concept with Terra Incognita. However, I think it could use a little tightening.

I might consider scrapping the first paragraph about Lobo. The way you opened, I was expecting a werewolf or some other sort of hell beast. It would be stronger if you dove right into Bethany's death. I would probably also break Chapter 1 at the point when the Sheriff comes to give that scene a little more impact and make it easier to digest everything we are learning in the beginning of the story.

I read the first three chapters. Are Glenna and Derik the pale ones? Haylee seems to accept these newcomers easily, especially after finding out she had been unconscious. Do her dream sequences have anything to do with them?

I would also check for unnecessary words like "so".

I think you're leading to a great set up and I'm interested to see where this goes!
Kristen
Immortal Dilemma

Julie_Undead wrote 260 days ago

Hi Heather!
I looked at 6 random chapters and was tempted to go back and start in order. The writing is really smooth, and I think you were right on to lower your MC's age...this definitely reads as YA, despite the eff word. :) Certainly a strong storyline, and I love your take on the supernatural... very unique. I believe you're on the right track here, and should absolutely seek out some more reviews to work toward that editor's desk!

--Julie
Running Home

Hannah Kytiryn wrote 367 days ago

I've rated and up you on my watchlist. :)

Chaos Magician Andrea wrote 431 days ago

Heather! This book is absolutely amazing! You had me hooked since page one and I have been unable to deviate my attention long enough to do much else today. When I couldn't be on my computer reading it, I was on my phone soaking it all up! I am absolutely in love with Darik and Haylee and am very anxious to read the rest. I couldn't flip the page fast enough and was shocked when it ended where it did. GREAT story, great characters, great read. I have nothing negative at all to say about this other than that I need more =)

Would be shocked if you didn't get an agent soon with this!

Andrea
A Perception of Dreams

TaniaJohansson wrote 434 days ago

So, I know I have already commented on this book, but I have now read all the way through. It is brilliant. My only problem now is that I cannot read the rest of it!
You are obviously such a talented author and I wish you all the best!!

TaniaJohansson wrote 436 days ago

Where to start? I Loved this book (yes capital L)! It has me completley hooked. I am up to chapter seven and will continue reading. It is so well written. Your dialogue in particular is excellent. The conversations feel completely real and natural.
The premise for the story is so interesting and from the off you built the suspense brilliantly. I found myself neglecting other things to find more time to read your book.
I immediately felt captured by Haylee. Amazing characterization.
To sum this up, I want this book on my bookshelf...my actual bookshelf (and of course on my kindle).
I wish you all the best with this! You deserve success with such a fantastic manuscript!

Oriax wrote 477 days ago

Hello Heather,
This really flows well. The dialogue is convincingly natural. I especially liked Haylee’s conversation with the sheriff. The description just enough to paint the scenery not too much to clutter the story with unecessary detail. You build up the suspense well, with the latch on the gate, the dog being attracted to something Haylee can’t see. Just one thing I thought of, the branch tapping against the window is a bit Wuthering Heights, and there it’s used to explain a dream sound of fingers tapping on the window. Would it be enough to have been woken by Lobo howling?

The end of paragraph six, chapter two is a bit strange:
‘Oddly, I felt drawn to the trail, awed by it somehow, but with this nagging sense of dread pressing up through it. I nearly took a step toward it…’ The sense of dread was pressing up through the trail?

I completely agree about the clown, they are horribly creepy. I like the way you say Haylee dropped the frame as if there had been a spider on it – exactly the right image for the situation.


Haylee certainly behaves like a cool customer, running after the dog into the woods that she has already had uneasy feelings about, in a thunderstorm, alone and leaving the house open behind her. By the time she is attacked by the pale man it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect Haylee to be half dead with fear! What seems to me to be missing is emotion. Haylee doesn’t register much fear at all. The same thought struck me a little later on when Glenna explains that Lobo is probably dead. I’d have expected Haylee to be choked up.

Glenna and Derik don’t seem to speak the same language. Glenna is very formal and stiff and speaks English as though it isn’t her first language; Derik talks like a regular kind of guy. Is this a social signal?

Chapter four I liked the description of the roof garden, which seemed a very sensible idea, liked the elements of mystery you introduce, like the lack of children, the lack of rain. But I found the section with the old lady confusing. Haylee blinks and wonders how long she has been staring at the old lady without blinking, she turns to Derik and they start a rather irritable conversation that excludes the old lady altogether. I wondered whether there had been a flash forward and we were no longer in the red room.

I have enjoyed the story so far, you have a good idea and you write very well. The first section in our time, to my mind works better than the chapters set in the future. Partly I think because you need to do a lot of explaining and introduce new characters. We are always being told to drip feed the explanations, only bringing them in when you can’t do otherwise. Big chunks of background tend to crowd out character development; it’s hard to do both at the same time. In chapter 3 Glenna tells Haylee an awful lot, but asks very few questions. Maybe you could balance it up a little and let Haylee discover the strangeness of the place bit by bit for herself.
I’ve given this high stars and I’m leaving it on my watchlist to read on later.
Jane



Julio Guzman wrote 481 days ago

Hi!
Just read your first chapter and I liked it...a lot! The opening to this was simply classic, so dramatic lol. Your writing is so unique and from the way I'm seeing it, flawless. Your storytelling abilities are undeniable and your dialogue is realistic and flows very well. I'm looking forward to reading more of this!

Six stars, good luck!

OpheliaWrites wrote 543 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

R K Alan wrote 543 days ago

Hello, Heather, and thank you for a delightful read. I enjoyed your descriptive narrative as it enlivened the world for me. You have a keen attention to detail. Your dialogue, the banter between mother and daughter seemed genuine and unforced.

I noted an odd bit when she woke from a rumble (thunder I assume) and then reacted to a flash (lightening I presumed). This is out of sequence as lightening precedes thunder.

You set up the tension nicely as she struggled between normalcy, the death of her aunt and the dread that the reader senses around her. Very Hitchcock-like and works well to establish the tension.

Good luck with this and I'll return for more when I have more time. Ray

OpheliaWrites wrote 584 days ago

CH.1

I was drawn to the book by the cover, looking over a friend's shelf, and I am SO GLAD I ventured to read. Chapter one was flawless, engaging, exciting, etc. I love the name Lobo and your little trick at the beginning. It certainly worked! Starred and watchlisted!

DesiS. wrote 588 days ago

I know that a story is good when I get insomnia- in that I am staying up late reading what happens next instead of going to sleep, and am dead tired at work the next day! Where you shine is in your character development. I think the development of mystery around Derik was done especially well. After an initial slow start the pacing was done well.

Some things I was wondering about in the story- I am surprised that when she finds herself in the future Haylee doesn't think more about what she left behind-that all her family/ friends are dead ect. In Chapter 4 I keep wanting her to look for dates on the trophys or dates in the magazines- copy write dates in the books- if she is curious when the pale ones took over it, would seem she would look for these to get a clue about when society as we know it ended.

Editorial issues: Chapter 1(part 1) - "...I'm real sorry for you (your?) loss." Chapter Two- the fraction 3/4 comes up repeatedly- not sure what to make of this unusual typo- computer glitch? Examples- "Right, but 3/4" and " I 3/4 I've 3/4 I just haven't." and "...some other dimension, or 3/4 or something. I 3/4 I don't know." Section 16- "I3/4 I think so," "I'm fine 3/4 fine," and "But this3/4 water is 3/4 pretty 3/4 heavy."
Section 26- "I bulked (balked?),...

I did really enjoy this story and would love to know what happens next. Are you going to post more? 5 stars and backed. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

difloyd wrote 617 days ago

Thanks for supporting my sister, Ellise Weaver, and her book. It means a great deal to both of us. You might want to check out her new cover...I know she would love to know what you think and if you've finished the book. And to say a proper thank you I'll check out your book and give you high marks!

Thanks again,

Diane

tricia_d wrote 627 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

MichelleThuis wrote 629 days ago

ch 1. I feel like in the first section, something should be said about still feeling uneasy. No killer has been caught or found. Isn't she worried it could still be out there? I would be.

See, you are doing a good job of freaking me out. Especially in that second section. But it would feel more realistic if she were scared too. Characters in horror scenes are so often so oblivious to the fact that if they were a real human being, they'd be freaked out too. They just happy go lucky go check the window, etc. And never think about possible killer people/beasts/something still out there. :)

Enjoying this so far. Good writing. I don't like the 'so' at the beginning of the 'so, arms shaking' sentence in the first paragraph. It seems like it might be better without the so. However, I'm not sure about that.

Ok, at least now she's got some fear. Seems a little late though.

You seem to start quite a few sentences with 'so'. I think it might be a bad thing.

Her thought when her mom gets off the phone is too harsh. "Well, I should get going," as though nothing significant said. Why should she say good bye any other way? :)

Ok, if my aunt died a bloody death and I was in a home alone, my natural reaction would not be to take strange opening and closing gates and think I was over-reacting. My reaction would be, "Holy crap. I might be over-reacting, but I just went through a bad situation, so I'm ok with the fact that I am over-reacting. Seems natural. I am NOT sleeping here alone tonight. Even if it's silly. I'm just not."

If something came into the yard and the dog was outside, how did they not fight? Just a thought.

And really, I'm enjoying the writing and the story. But I feel like you're doing the usual, "Make my character dumber for the sake of the plot" mistake. I'd be freaked out if I were her. I'd be over-reacting, not under-reacting. Just a thought.

MichelleThuis wrote 629 days ago

ch 1. I love the opening sentence. So nonchalant. I really love it. I'll read more soon. :)

Heather Riffle wrote 633 days ago

Hi, Jacoba!

Thank you very much for you comment! Of course, I would love and appreciate any further feedback you have that might better my book, so feel free to message them through. As soon as I have done a little editing to the next few chapters, I'll post them and let you know. I hope they live up to your feelings thus far. Again, thank you, and I can hardly wait to hear what else you have to say! I really appreciate that you took the time to read Terra Incognita and comment.

Heather

Jacoba wrote 633 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

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