Book Jacket

 

rank 502
word count 92398
date submitted 21.08.2011
date updated 25.08.2012
genres: Romance, Fantasy, Horror, Young Adu...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Terra Incognita

Heather Riffle

A girl must survive a future ruled by the "Pale Ones," while discovering love, friendship and a fate greater than she could ever believe possible.

 

Seventeen-year old Haylee Wells thought her mother pressuring her to choose a college was her only problem. But between her aunt’s death and a wraithlike creature attacking, she suddenly has much more to handle. When she finds herself in a post-apocalyptic future where these creatures reign and can kill with a single touch, she takes refuge with a group of humans who have their own special abilities. She needs to find her way home. But the connection she shares with Derik – the duty-bound protector of the group – and her own developing abilities complicate things further. If she fails to realize the power within herself, she risks becoming a slave to the Pale Ones and never returning home.

A YA post-apocalyptic paranormal with romantic elements, TERRA INCOGNITA will introduce readers to a new supernatural creature and immerse them in a world where humans must fight daily to survive.

Complete at 104,000 words.

 
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adventure, fantasy, future, romance, self-discovery, supernatural

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Chapters

16

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    So Derik talked to me, as he carried me, asking me questions, forcing me to answer in order to make sure I was still awake.  After a while, I started feeling better, less drowsy, more attentive.

    When I realized we had been walking for nearly half an hour, I raised my head from his shoulder.

    “We’re almost there,” he said, and continued on as if the load was no burden.

    I pressed my hand to his chest.  “Wait.”

    He stopped, “What is it now?”  I could hear the irritation edging back into his voice.

    “I – ” I almost didn’t go on. “I’d like to walk the rest of the way.”

    He started to say something else but I looked him in the eye.  “I see,” he sighed.  “Alright.  But let’s take this slowly…  Put your arms around my neck.”

    I did, and he squatted down so he could set the cloth sack on the ground, and I ended up sitting on his lap.  But then he rose up and began to gently lower my feet.  For a brief moment, as his hands came to my waist and my feet dangled bare inches from the earth, our faces nearly touched.  He seemed as startled as I, and we remained close, staring at each other, even after my feet touched down.  His eyes left mine, traveling down to my mouth.  My heart was racing.  I had never reacted this way to anyone before; scared and excited at the same time.  From somewhere, light flashed in Derik’s eyes, almost seeming to reflect in them. 

He blinked suddenly, and the spell was broken.  He looked away.  “Can you stand on your own?” he asked distantly.

“I – I think so,” I stammered, still a little startled by our exchange.

    “Then go ahead and remove your arms.”

    “Oh.”  I hadn’t even realized I still had them around his neck.  He barely touched me now, just enough to keep me steady.  My legs were shaking, more from my reaction to his closeness than anything else though, I was sure.  But I could stand.

    He slowly took his hands away, “Good.  The compound is just around the bend in the trees.  Let’s go.”  He picked up the bag, and I stopped him again.

    “I’d like to carry it, please.”

    “Alright,” he said, after briefly meeting my eyes.  He handed it to me and began walking.

    I followed.  “You’re not even going to ask why?”

    “I already know why, so there’s no reason to ask.  It’s the same reason you wanted to walk the remainder of the way.”  He didn’t even stop.

    I didn’t have time to stand still, as he was gaining quite a head start.  But I didn’t dare try to run and risk being carried the rest of the way.  Derik must have realized this as well because he paused just long enough for me to catch up and kept his strides slow. 

I was limping slightly, as the compound came into view, and almost stumbled before Derik steadied me. 

    “I won’t carry you, but are you too proud to let me help?”  The irritation was full-blown now.

    I became suddenly aware of the heaviness of the water and realized I was sweating profusely.  I was out of breath.  “I’m – fine ,” I managed.  “But this – water is – pretty – heavy.”

    “Let me carry it the rest of the way for you.”  He gingerly took it from my hand, and I didn’t resist.  “You’re bleeding again,” he said.

    I placed my hand to my side.  “How can you tell?” I asked since the bandages appeared to be as bloody as before.

    “Can you make it back alright now?” he asked, without answering.

    I blinked at the change of subject and took a few more deep breaths, “Yeah.  I think so.”

    So we headed on.

    When we arrived, the doors opened immediately, and two armed men flanked us as we walked through.  I didn’t recognize them.  The doors were closed, and we heard the noises of the locks and barricades going into place.  Compared to the brightness outside, the hall was too dark to make anything out.

    Glenna rushed up from somewhere in that darkness.  “Are you alright?”  She placed a hand lightly upon my shoulder.

    Though her hand added the barest of weight, it felt as though something very heavy was resting there.  I took a shaky breath, “I’m fine…”

    Behind me, Derik moved and spoke to someone, “Here, take these to the kitchen.”  A man and woman walked away with the containers of water.

    Glenna looked toward him.  “She found the well?”

    He nodded briefly, and a murmur went through the crowd I hadn’t noticed until that moment.  I looked around for the first time, and my eyes were slowly adjusting.  Nearly everyone had gathered.  Merritt and Karroll smiled at me from the edge of the group, their smiles faltering as my attempt at one became more of a grimace.

    “She’s bleeding,” said a nearby voice, matter-of-factly.

    I looked up to see Nate’s eyes meet Derik’s.  Glenna was the only one close enough to hear.

    “What?”  She looked at me more closely, a hand now on each shoulder, as she looked me over.

    I was starting to shake, as it took more and more strength to stand.  A hand reached out to gently support my lower back.

    She looked at Derik.  “What happened?”

    “I’ll explain it all in private,” he replied, giving her a look I couldn’t quite decipher.  “Let’s get Haylee to the infirmary first.”  And he came to one side of me, his arm sliding around my waist.  So it had been his hand supporting me. 

“Come on, Haylee.”  Glenna fell in at my other side.

    As we moved, I could hear whispers spreading throughout the group but couldn’t make anything out.   Then I heard another familiar voice.  “Coming through.  Excuse me!  Let me through, please!”  Gamut burst through the crowd.  “Haylee! You had me so worried!  What were you thinking?  How could – are you alright?!”  He turned to Derik.  “Is she alright?”  The worry on his face was evident now.

    Though I couldn’t see Derik’s face, his voice made his irritation clear.  “She’ll be fine.  We’re taking her to the infirmary now.  Glenna’s going to examine her.  We’ll let you know, when she’s finished.”  He sounded as though he spoke through clenched teeth.

    Gamut stopped.  “Uh, okay…  I’ll see you soon, Haylee.  Alright?”  His eyes reflected the softness in his voice.

    I nodded in reply, attempting to smile and once more failing.

Once we made it to the infirmary and the door was closed firmly, Glenna rushed to one of the medicine cabinets, and Derik led me to the examination table.  He had to help me climb onto it, by gently lifting me up.  I immediately rested my head back, and Derik leaned over me.

    Cupping my cheek with one hand, he said, “Just rest for now.  Okay?”

    I nodded, as my eyelids fluttered.

    His eyes searched my face briefly before he said, “Okay…” and moved away.

    Glenna stood for a moment, looking back and forth between us, then approached me.  The light in this room was better than in the hall.  She glanced over me, searching, and said, “I was going to ask where the wound was, but now I see.”  Her expression was one of worry.  “What happened?” she asked Derik once more.

    “Fix her up, then I’ll tell you.”  He paced across the room.

    Glenna just nodded.  “Just help me sit her up then.” 

    I braced for the pain, as they propped me up, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been.

    “Good.  Now I can get these bandages off… and clean these…” She looked more closely and threw a quick glance toward Derik.  Then she began cleaning my wounds.  Now that more than stung, as the wounds were opened up a bit.  She applied some sort of gel substance – an antiseptic, I assumed because I couldn’t see the bottle – and wrapped fresh bandages around my waist.  “There you go,” she smiled.  “Good as new.”  She stroked my hair gently, and she and Derik helped me rest against the cushioned back.  “Try to rest for a bit, alright?  Then we’ll get you to bed.”

    I let my eyelids droop.  “Okay…” I said, quietly, and closed them completely.

    “Derik?  You need to tell me what happened now,” she said with authority.

    I heard them walk across the room and start speaking but could make out only a few of the words they said. 

“We told you she would never do that!” Glenna said, loudly.

“I know, I know, okay… Keep it down, alright?” Derik said, softly.  I couldn’t make out anything else.

I must have fallen asleep, because at some point Glenna spoke loudly again in agitation, and Derik shushed her.  Some time later, I awoke to the sensation of being moved.  When I opened my eyes, Derik was carrying me across the room. 

“We’ve set up a cot in here for you for a few nights.  Glenna didn’t think we should move you far.”  He sat me gently down on the bed.  “I told her you were stronger than you looked.  But I think it’s best you’re here, anyway.”  He let Glenna pull a blanket over me and smiled.  “I mean, we’ve gotta keep an eye on you somehow.  Can’t let you sneak out for more water, now can we?”  He was actually smiling at me?  Wow…  He smoothed a stray strand back from my face.  “Now get some rest.  I’ll check back in on you later.”  He looked at me for a second longer, as if he were about to say something else, then got up and left the room.

Glenna stared speculatively at the closed door.  As she turned back toward me, she murmured, “Maybe she was right…” She had smoothed her frown, by the time she sat down beside me.  In her hands were a cup of water and a small medicine bottle.  She sat the cup on the table beside me and measured some powder from the bottle, stirring it into the water.  “Here, drink this.  Though you need little help sleeping, this medicine is good for that and it prevents infection.”  She handed me the cup, and I did as I was told.

When I was finished, her frown had returned.  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

She looked slightly startled.  “Wrong?  Oh, dear, nothing.  I suppose I was just lost in thought.  Derik told me what happened out there.  What you did was very brave.  Though I agree with him, it was not altogether smart,” she added, as if scolding me.  Then she smiled, “But it was very brave… I imagine the story has spread across the compound by now.  One or two have extraordinary hearing, and one of those may or may not have a penchant for storytelling.  I will not name names, as they say, but still…” She stood up from the cot.  “I should allow you to rest now.  Call if you need anything.  I would not be surprised if a certain somebody stayed as close as possible, in case you do.” She opened the door, said, “Goodnight,” and closed it behind her. 

The room was familiar to me now, and I could make out most of the shapes, even though the only light was from two candles near the door.  I looked around the room for a few moments, taking in how alone I truly was.  I had not been this alone in the building before.  Not really, anyway.  Most certainly not at night.  Even though I had only been here for a short time, I was becoming used to all the people milling about.  There was always someone around.  After my encounter today, I felt somewhat alarmed being alone in the dark.  I knew I was safe, but I couldn’t shake the monster-under-the-bed feeling.  I felt like I was no more than five years old again.  I was just grateful they didn’t keep clown pictures up around here.  I cringed a little at the thought.

I could feel myself getting sleepy but some part of my mind was fighting it.  When the door creaked open, I stiffened, afraid to move, but also afraid not to move.  “Haylee?” a voice called in a whisper.

I frowned into the candlelight.  “Gamut?  Is that you?”

He came the rest of the way into the room, quietly closing the door behind him.  “Hey,” he whispered, and came toward me.  “How are you feeling?”  He kneeled down on the floor beside my cot.  “Do you feel like having company?”

I smiled with relief.  “Yeah… That would be nice.  After today, I don’t think I want to be alone right now.”

I saw a matching relief on his face, as he settled down on the floor.  “Good.  I’ll stay as long as you like…” He glanced down for a second, sheepishly.  “Is it true what everyone’s been saying?  I mean, I knew you didn’t lie about the well, but… the other stuff.  Everyone’s seen the proof about the water, but did you really fight one of them?”

I raised my eyebrows.  “Is that what they’re saying?  I was just trying to get away… Derik did all the fighting, until I got in the way and let him escape,” I added, almost with disgust.  “If it weren’t for Derik, I’d probably be dead right now…” The realization was just dawning on me.  “No.  That’s not true… I would be dead.  I know it.”  I was starting to shiver at the memory.

“Here.”  Gamut tucked the blanket more tightly around my shoulders.  “Derik’s been chewing out every guard on duty when you slipped out…  He can’t believe not a single one of us spotted you.  I guess they were all distracted by the commotion.”  He shrugged and was silent a moment, before continuing.  “I wanted to come, but he wouldn’t let me.  He said it was better if he went alone.  I should’ve insisted… Who is he to tell me what’s better?  I’m the one with feelings for you – I’m sorry… I just wish I had been there to prevent this…” He gestured at me.

I frowned through my mental chill.  “I think he was right to come alone,” I said.  Was I defending Derik?  “I mean, these wounds all happened before he got there… and he’s pretty fast, right?  So… maybe he was just looking out for you, you know?  Trying to keep you from possibly getting hurt, while getting to me as quickly as possible…”

“Yeah… maybe,” he replied, though his eyes looked guarded.  “But I don’t need anyone looking out for me.”

I yawned and blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to stay awake.

“Oh, hey… you should get some sleep.  Do you need me to go?” He started to rise.

“No!” I grabbed for his arm, but mine were securely pinned within the blanket.  I wasn’t nearly capable enough to pull them free.

But he stopped.  “Are you sure?”  He smiled, when I nodded.  “Okay,” he said, and settled back in.  Then, a mischievous look crossed his face.  “You’re really stuck in there, aren’t you?”

I frowned, not liking where this seemed to be going.

His smile broadened, as he rose up onto his knees.  He leaned against the cot, staring down at my face.

“What exactly are you – ”

He moved faster than I would have given him credit for.  Before I could finish my question, he had pressed his mouth to mine. 

I balked.  I didn’t have the energy to resist.  Then again, if I had wanted to, I wouldn’t have had the energy to react in any way.  Finally, he withdrew, and I lay there stunned.  If my hands had been free, I would have touched my fingertips to my lips.

He laughed a little and sat back down.  “I told you I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t kiss you again.  You’re situation is just too hard to resist.”  He paused, his smile faltering.  “You – you’re not mad at me, are you? 

My sleepiness began to overtake my shock.  “I should be,” I said, trying to sound cross.  Then I sighed.  “But I think I’m too tired to be angry right now.”  I yawned.

His smile returned.  “Oh, good.”  Then he settled back in.  “I’ll stay here with you until you fall asleep,” he said.  He laid his head down beside me, watching as I closed my eyes.

The medicine Glenna had given me began its work quickly then.  I was asleep within moments.

 

Chapters

16

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OpheliaWrites wrote 547 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

tricia_d wrote 631 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

Jacoba wrote 637 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

Shelby Z. wrote 224 days ago

Terra Incognita by Heather Riffle
Gripping!
I was pulled into the story from the opener. I like how you made it seem that she was being attacked by a savage animal, but it only turned out to be a fun game with the dog.
The phone call between her an her mom was long and drawn out, but otherwise everything else was gripping. I like how well you set up mystery and curious elements that the reader can't help but wonder what will happen or why is this so important.
Your style is drawing as well as smooth. I found no errors or choppy places at all.
I don't know why I haven't read this before, it is good.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Kristen_Undead wrote 252 days ago

Hi Heather,

I think you have a great concept with Terra Incognita. However, I think it could use a little tightening.

I might consider scrapping the first paragraph about Lobo. The way you opened, I was expecting a werewolf or some other sort of hell beast. It would be stronger if you dove right into Bethany's death. I would probably also break Chapter 1 at the point when the Sheriff comes to give that scene a little more impact and make it easier to digest everything we are learning in the beginning of the story.

I read the first three chapters. Are Glenna and Derik the pale ones? Haylee seems to accept these newcomers easily, especially after finding out she had been unconscious. Do her dream sequences have anything to do with them?

I would also check for unnecessary words like "so".

I think you're leading to a great set up and I'm interested to see where this goes!
Kristen
Immortal Dilemma

Julie_Undead wrote 264 days ago

Hi Heather!
I looked at 6 random chapters and was tempted to go back and start in order. The writing is really smooth, and I think you were right on to lower your MC's age...this definitely reads as YA, despite the eff word. :) Certainly a strong storyline, and I love your take on the supernatural... very unique. I believe you're on the right track here, and should absolutely seek out some more reviews to work toward that editor's desk!

--Julie
Running Home

Hannah Kytiryn wrote 371 days ago

I've rated and up you on my watchlist. :)

Chaos Magician Andrea wrote 434 days ago

Heather! This book is absolutely amazing! You had me hooked since page one and I have been unable to deviate my attention long enough to do much else today. When I couldn't be on my computer reading it, I was on my phone soaking it all up! I am absolutely in love with Darik and Haylee and am very anxious to read the rest. I couldn't flip the page fast enough and was shocked when it ended where it did. GREAT story, great characters, great read. I have nothing negative at all to say about this other than that I need more =)

Would be shocked if you didn't get an agent soon with this!

Andrea
A Perception of Dreams

TaniaJohansson wrote 437 days ago

So, I know I have already commented on this book, but I have now read all the way through. It is brilliant. My only problem now is that I cannot read the rest of it!
You are obviously such a talented author and I wish you all the best!!

TaniaJohansson wrote 439 days ago

Where to start? I Loved this book (yes capital L)! It has me completley hooked. I am up to chapter seven and will continue reading. It is so well written. Your dialogue in particular is excellent. The conversations feel completely real and natural.
The premise for the story is so interesting and from the off you built the suspense brilliantly. I found myself neglecting other things to find more time to read your book.
I immediately felt captured by Haylee. Amazing characterization.
To sum this up, I want this book on my bookshelf...my actual bookshelf (and of course on my kindle).
I wish you all the best with this! You deserve success with such a fantastic manuscript!

Oriax wrote 481 days ago

Hello Heather,
This really flows well. The dialogue is convincingly natural. I especially liked Haylee’s conversation with the sheriff. The description just enough to paint the scenery not too much to clutter the story with unecessary detail. You build up the suspense well, with the latch on the gate, the dog being attracted to something Haylee can’t see. Just one thing I thought of, the branch tapping against the window is a bit Wuthering Heights, and there it’s used to explain a dream sound of fingers tapping on the window. Would it be enough to have been woken by Lobo howling?

The end of paragraph six, chapter two is a bit strange:
‘Oddly, I felt drawn to the trail, awed by it somehow, but with this nagging sense of dread pressing up through it. I nearly took a step toward it…’ The sense of dread was pressing up through the trail?

I completely agree about the clown, they are horribly creepy. I like the way you say Haylee dropped the frame as if there had been a spider on it – exactly the right image for the situation.


Haylee certainly behaves like a cool customer, running after the dog into the woods that she has already had uneasy feelings about, in a thunderstorm, alone and leaving the house open behind her. By the time she is attacked by the pale man it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect Haylee to be half dead with fear! What seems to me to be missing is emotion. Haylee doesn’t register much fear at all. The same thought struck me a little later on when Glenna explains that Lobo is probably dead. I’d have expected Haylee to be choked up.

Glenna and Derik don’t seem to speak the same language. Glenna is very formal and stiff and speaks English as though it isn’t her first language; Derik talks like a regular kind of guy. Is this a social signal?

Chapter four I liked the description of the roof garden, which seemed a very sensible idea, liked the elements of mystery you introduce, like the lack of children, the lack of rain. But I found the section with the old lady confusing. Haylee blinks and wonders how long she has been staring at the old lady without blinking, she turns to Derik and they start a rather irritable conversation that excludes the old lady altogether. I wondered whether there had been a flash forward and we were no longer in the red room.

I have enjoyed the story so far, you have a good idea and you write very well. The first section in our time, to my mind works better than the chapters set in the future. Partly I think because you need to do a lot of explaining and introduce new characters. We are always being told to drip feed the explanations, only bringing them in when you can’t do otherwise. Big chunks of background tend to crowd out character development; it’s hard to do both at the same time. In chapter 3 Glenna tells Haylee an awful lot, but asks very few questions. Maybe you could balance it up a little and let Haylee discover the strangeness of the place bit by bit for herself.
I’ve given this high stars and I’m leaving it on my watchlist to read on later.
Jane



Julio Guzman wrote 484 days ago

Hi!
Just read your first chapter and I liked it...a lot! The opening to this was simply classic, so dramatic lol. Your writing is so unique and from the way I'm seeing it, flawless. Your storytelling abilities are undeniable and your dialogue is realistic and flows very well. I'm looking forward to reading more of this!

Six stars, good luck!

OpheliaWrites wrote 547 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

R K Alan wrote 547 days ago

Hello, Heather, and thank you for a delightful read. I enjoyed your descriptive narrative as it enlivened the world for me. You have a keen attention to detail. Your dialogue, the banter between mother and daughter seemed genuine and unforced.

I noted an odd bit when she woke from a rumble (thunder I assume) and then reacted to a flash (lightening I presumed). This is out of sequence as lightening precedes thunder.

You set up the tension nicely as she struggled between normalcy, the death of her aunt and the dread that the reader senses around her. Very Hitchcock-like and works well to establish the tension.

Good luck with this and I'll return for more when I have more time. Ray

OpheliaWrites wrote 587 days ago

CH.1

I was drawn to the book by the cover, looking over a friend's shelf, and I am SO GLAD I ventured to read. Chapter one was flawless, engaging, exciting, etc. I love the name Lobo and your little trick at the beginning. It certainly worked! Starred and watchlisted!

DesiS. wrote 592 days ago

I know that a story is good when I get insomnia- in that I am staying up late reading what happens next instead of going to sleep, and am dead tired at work the next day! Where you shine is in your character development. I think the development of mystery around Derik was done especially well. After an initial slow start the pacing was done well.

Some things I was wondering about in the story- I am surprised that when she finds herself in the future Haylee doesn't think more about what she left behind-that all her family/ friends are dead ect. In Chapter 4 I keep wanting her to look for dates on the trophys or dates in the magazines- copy write dates in the books- if she is curious when the pale ones took over it, would seem she would look for these to get a clue about when society as we know it ended.

Editorial issues: Chapter 1(part 1) - "...I'm real sorry for you (your?) loss." Chapter Two- the fraction 3/4 comes up repeatedly- not sure what to make of this unusual typo- computer glitch? Examples- "Right, but 3/4" and " I 3/4 I've 3/4 I just haven't." and "...some other dimension, or 3/4 or something. I 3/4 I don't know." Section 16- "I3/4 I think so," "I'm fine 3/4 fine," and "But this3/4 water is 3/4 pretty 3/4 heavy."
Section 26- "I bulked (balked?),...

I did really enjoy this story and would love to know what happens next. Are you going to post more? 5 stars and backed. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

difloyd wrote 621 days ago

Thanks for supporting my sister, Ellise Weaver, and her book. It means a great deal to both of us. You might want to check out her new cover...I know she would love to know what you think and if you've finished the book. And to say a proper thank you I'll check out your book and give you high marks!

Thanks again,

Diane

tricia_d wrote 631 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

MichelleThuis wrote 633 days ago

ch 1. I feel like in the first section, something should be said about still feeling uneasy. No killer has been caught or found. Isn't she worried it could still be out there? I would be.

See, you are doing a good job of freaking me out. Especially in that second section. But it would feel more realistic if she were scared too. Characters in horror scenes are so often so oblivious to the fact that if they were a real human being, they'd be freaked out too. They just happy go lucky go check the window, etc. And never think about possible killer people/beasts/something still out there. :)

Enjoying this so far. Good writing. I don't like the 'so' at the beginning of the 'so, arms shaking' sentence in the first paragraph. It seems like it might be better without the so. However, I'm not sure about that.

Ok, at least now she's got some fear. Seems a little late though.

You seem to start quite a few sentences with 'so'. I think it might be a bad thing.

Her thought when her mom gets off the phone is too harsh. "Well, I should get going," as though nothing significant said. Why should she say good bye any other way? :)

Ok, if my aunt died a bloody death and I was in a home alone, my natural reaction would not be to take strange opening and closing gates and think I was over-reacting. My reaction would be, "Holy crap. I might be over-reacting, but I just went through a bad situation, so I'm ok with the fact that I am over-reacting. Seems natural. I am NOT sleeping here alone tonight. Even if it's silly. I'm just not."

If something came into the yard and the dog was outside, how did they not fight? Just a thought.

And really, I'm enjoying the writing and the story. But I feel like you're doing the usual, "Make my character dumber for the sake of the plot" mistake. I'd be freaked out if I were her. I'd be over-reacting, not under-reacting. Just a thought.

MichelleThuis wrote 633 days ago

ch 1. I love the opening sentence. So nonchalant. I really love it. I'll read more soon. :)

Heather Riffle wrote 637 days ago

Hi, Jacoba!

Thank you very much for you comment! Of course, I would love and appreciate any further feedback you have that might better my book, so feel free to message them through. As soon as I have done a little editing to the next few chapters, I'll post them and let you know. I hope they live up to your feelings thus far. Again, thank you, and I can hardly wait to hear what else you have to say! I really appreciate that you took the time to read Terra Incognita and comment.

Heather

Jacoba wrote 637 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

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