Book Jacket

 

rank 501
word count 92398
date submitted 21.08.2011
date updated 25.08.2012
genres: Romance, Fantasy, Horror, Young Adu...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Terra Incognita

Heather Riffle

A girl must survive a future ruled by the "Pale Ones," while discovering love, friendship and a fate greater than she could ever believe possible.

 

Seventeen-year old Haylee Wells thought her mother pressuring her to choose a college was her only problem. But between her aunt’s death and a wraithlike creature attacking, she suddenly has much more to handle. When she finds herself in a post-apocalyptic future where these creatures reign and can kill with a single touch, she takes refuge with a group of humans who have their own special abilities. She needs to find her way home. But the connection she shares with Derik – the duty-bound protector of the group – and her own developing abilities complicate things further. If she fails to realize the power within herself, she risks becoming a slave to the Pale Ones and never returning home.

A YA post-apocalyptic paranormal with romantic elements, TERRA INCOGNITA will introduce readers to a new supernatural creature and immerse them in a world where humans must fight daily to survive.

Complete at 104,000 words.

 
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adventure, fantasy, future, romance, self-discovery, supernatural

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*    *    *

 

Around dawn, I awoke, a scream catching in my throat, trembling, but I couldn’t remember the cause.  I felt a terrible sense of loss and had the incredible urge to curl up into a ball under the blanket and never come out.  I resisted that urge.  It was time to get up.  Time to eat breakfast.  Time to go.  All of my fears from last night returned, as I threw my feet from the bed and into my sneakers.  Today, I was wearing pretty much what I had come here in, minus my favorite t-shirt.  I was able to save the image on the front but nothing more.  In place of it, I wore a sort of brown smock with my jeans.

Slowly, I made my way down to the cafeteria.  Before I had reached it, I saw Derik and Gamut near the main hallway.  Were they arguing?  Derik stood with his arms crossed over his chest, fists and jaw clenched tight.  Gamut was throwing his arms in the air, as he spoke.  I wasn’t close enough to hear exactly what was said but as I got nearer, I caught a little.

  “…happens, I’ll… personally responsible,” Derik said, fiercely, tapping a finger into Gamut’s chest.

“Fine,” Gamut blurted and stormed off.  His storming brought him in my direction, but he veered away before I could speak to him.

I looked back toward Derik and, if I didn’t know better, would have said he looked like he wanted to punch the wall.  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  When he opened them again, he saw me where I had stopped and moved toward me.  “Have you eaten yet?” he asked somewhat gently. 

I shook my head and looked back the direction Gamut had gone.  “I was on my way when…” I pointed.  “What was that about?” I asked, though I had an inkling.

He glanced behind me before answering.  “It doesn’t matter,” he sighed.  “The issue’s been resolved... for now.”  He looked back at me.  “Why don’t you go ahead and get some food.  We’ll meet here in about an hour, give or take.  Okay?”

I nodded, and Derik moved along down the hall.

When I arrived in the cafeteria, I was surprised to see Karroll and Merritt there, waiting for me.  Karroll waved me over, once I had my food. 

“Hey.  We got up early to see you off.” She said, as I sat.  Then she leaned forward.  “So, how was your dinner last night?  I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to Gamut today… So?” She prodded.  When I didn’t answer right away, her face fell.  “Oh.  That bad, huh?” She rested her arms heavily on the table and rolled her eyes.  “Great ball of fire… That no good brother of mine.  What has he done this time?”  She gave me a sympathetic look.

I swallowed the small lump in my throat and glanced around.  There weren’t many people around us, so I told them my story, leaving out some of the details I had felt comfortable telling Glenna.  Merritt’s eyes went a little wide and he spent the remainder of the conversation staring at the table.  Karroll had a somewhat different reaction. 

She laughed.  “Oh, wow… I’m sorry, hun… My, he deserved that.” She shook her head.  “I told you, he’s got it bad.  Real bad, apparently.  But don’t worry.  You’ve just wounded his pride a bit.  He’ll come around.”

“Within the next hour or so?” I was skeptical.

“Yes.  Before you leave.  He’s just a little bit of a baby, that’s all.”  She shook her head and rolled her eyes again. 

We talked for a while.  I couldn’t necessarily say about what, but we talked about general things and nothing in particular.  I think Merritt must have been sharing some gossip but I’m not sure.  I know I should have been paying more attention to my last conversation with my two friends but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t concentrate.  I was growing more and more nervous, as the time ticked on.  Before I knew it, it had been an hour, and it was time for me to meet the rest of the group.  Karroll and Merritt walked me to the hallway.

Derik and the others were gathered just outside the cafeteria.  Even Gamut was there.  Each of them had a small backpack slung across their backs, and most of them were carrying a weapon of some sort.  I wondered if they expected trouble despite the daylight.

Gamut approached us.  “Um…” He scratched his head and looked at the floor sheepishly.  “Uh, could we talk a minute… alone, Haylee?” He glanced at other two. 

I did the same, raising my eyebrows at Karroll.  “Sure,” I said.  “I’ll be right back.”  I followed Gamut to a corner away from the others. 

He seemed tense and kept his back to the group.  He sighed.  “Oh, he’s watching me like a hawk.”  I didn’t need to look to know whom he was talking about.  He closed his eyes for a moment, then looked back at me.  “Haylee… I just – I wanted to say I’m sorry… about how I acted last night.  I was way out of line.  And I ruined our time together.  I just… I can’t seem to control myself sometimes when I’m with you…  It’s because… well… You know I love you, right?  I mean, really love you.  I’m in love with you.  That’s what I wanted to say, needed to say.”  He looked down at the floor again.  “I guess I should’ve said it before, huh?”  He rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Oh, Gamut…” I shook my head slowly.  “I… I don’t…” I lost the words and felt utterly defeated.  I looked at him sadly.  “I’m so sorry…”

I guess it was the wrong thing to say.  “I don’t want you to be sorry… and I don’t want you’re pity – Shit.” He glanced quickly over his shoulder.  “I guess I got his attention again… I’m sorry… Maybe I’m overreacting, got a little too excited just now, I don’t know… Or maybe he’s just an asshole,” he mumbled.  “Sorry, again.” He said most of this to me, though I was beginning to wonder if some of it wasn’t for Derik’s benefit.  He sighed.  “Like I said before, I can’t help how I feel.  There’s just one thing I want, I would like, before we leave…”

“Anything.  What is it?” I almost reached up to touch his shoulder but thought better of it.

“A kiss – just a kiss, I promise.  No funny business… Just a goodbye kiss.  Something to remember me by.” He looked at me closely now.

I blinked for a moment and, finally, nodded.  “Uh, okay,” I said, nearly inaudibly. 

I was against the wall, and he was between me and the rest of the world.  I couldn’t see if anyone was still watching or not.  But anyone who was would see I was nervous.  Gamut was my friend, but I wasn’t sure I trusted him with this, anymore.  He moved closer, leaning forward, as he cupped my face with one hand, the other at my waist.  His touch was gentle and, when our lips met, his kiss was tender.  There was no urgency as there had been the night before.  Now, he was in control, of himself and not only me.  However, it was not a quick kiss.  And just when I was beginning to realize just how calculating this kiss had been, we were interrupted.

“S’time to go!” Derik shouted to the group, and anyone else who might be nearby. 

I jerked my head back as far as I could, which wasn’t far because Gamut had somehow gotten me backed up all the way against the wall.  He didn’t move for several seconds after Derik’s call, as if challenging him.  He just stared at me, his hands still in position.  The intensity of the look he was giving me had more of an effect on my heart rate than the kiss had.  My heart was suddenly racing.  Why was that?  Was I afraid?

One corner of Gamut’s mouth turned up.  “Oh, he’s definitely staring, now.”  He laughed a little and moved his hands.  “Thank you,” he breathed, before moving away. 

For a moment, I couldn’t move but forced myself to swallow and take a deep breath.  What had just happened?  And who was his little show for?  I frowned then.  Shaking my head to clear it, I moved toward the group. 

I heard Karroll talking to Gamut, as I approached.  “You are in so much trouble when you get back,” she was saying.  She glanced up at me.  “I’m sorry about him… But we’re all going to miss you so much.”  She threw her arms around me and held tight.  When she withdrew, I saw tears in her eyes.  She swiped at them, surreptitiously, and elbowed Merritt.

“Oh, right,” he said and placed his arms around me awkwardly. 

The move made me laugh.  “Thanks,” I said, when he let go.  I looked around me, at all the faces.  All were friendly, most were smiling, though a few, like Karroll, had tears in their eyes.  I thought about Sabella for a moment, wishing to see her as well, but knowing I had already said that goodbye.  Then, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Glenna stood behind me.  “Once more, for old time’s sake,” she joked. 

I turned and was in her arms in one fluid motion.  Now it was my turn to cry, and I couldn’t hold the tears back. 

“Shh… it’s alright.  One never truly knows if it is the last time they will see a person.  We may meet again, indeed.  Who is to say?” Her words put me at ease, or maybe it was just her presence.  She smoothed my hair, and I was suddenly calm.  She smiled down at me.  “Be safe, little sister… until we meet again, then, hm?”  She kissed my forehead and released me. 

I looked around until I found Derik.  He had been watching me.  “I’m ready now,” I said to him.

He nodded once.  “Alright.  Then, it’s time.”  He gestured with his arm.  “Let’s head out.”  The others fell in around us. 

In one final defiant move, for all to see, I pulled my claw hairclip from my pocket, twisted my hair up, and clipped it in.  At least my friends seemed to understand the gesture.  But I noticed Nate eyeing me quizzically. 

The heavy doors were opened and light came pouring in around us.  It took a moment for my eyes to adjust.  When they did, I noticed my escort surrounded me.  I felt as though I was being herded out the door.  A dull thud behind us signified the doors had been closed again.  I glanced around me in order to note who was where.  Derik led the group, at the front of the circle, and Nate took up the rear.  It made sense, I guess, putting the strongest, most experienced on point and at the back.  Still, I wasn’t so sure about Nate having my back.  The circle was loose and, though I knew better, everyone appeared at ease.  To the onlooker, it might appear as though we were simply going for a walk, except for the weapons they carried.  No one said anything for a while, but then I began to realize we weren’t going in exactly the same direction I had before.  Gamut was to my right and the closest to me. 

“Why are we going this way?” I asked him.

He glanced around before looking my way, quickly.  “We’re taking the scenic route,” he said, lightly.  “We can’t go the way you did before because it takes us by the well.  We’re going around it.”

I frowned.  “Why can’t we go by the well?”

He started to answer but Derik interrupted.  “You’ve been there before, and we’ve gone back.  They know that and expect it.  Plus there are fewer trees this way, less cover, more sunlight.  It’s just safer.” He didn’t look back but kept his eyes on our surroundings.  I didn’t remember him being this diligent on the way back from the well.  Then again, I had been kind of out of it. 

My thoughts turned back to the well.  “If they know we – you’re using the well, won’t they sabotage it?”

I could hear the smile in Derik’s voice.  “It’s protected.  Don’t worry.  Sabella’s taken care of that.” 

“Like she will with the portal?”

“Yeah… like that.” His smile was gone.

We walked a while longer in silence, and I was beginning to feel more and more nervous, the closer we got to the portal.  I was starting to get jumpy.  Why now?  I had to assume it was because I didn’t want to go back and was just anxious about the experience in general.  What would happen once I stepped through?  I had to ask myself this, now that I was thinking about it.  I had to distract myself from this feeling.  I frowned.  Wait a minute… I could feel my pace slow.  Distract myself from being nervous about the trip back by thinking about the trip back?  That didn’t make any sense.  At all.  So, what then was it distracting me from? 

“Hey, girlie, pick up the pace.  We don’t have all day,” Nate said from behind me. 

And though my heart did in fact pick up the pace, my feet stopped moving.  “Wait,” was all I said. 

Derik was the first to stop.  He turned around to face me.  “We have to keep going, Haylee.  We can’t stop, there’s no time.  Plus, it’s – What’s wrong?” He frowned at me.

I blinked, trying to think.  “I’m not sure… Something’s not right.  I can feel it.”  I looked up at him.

He stared back for a moment.  Then, his eyes trailed away.  “I want everyone on guard,” he said, with authority. 

Immediately, everyone seemed more alert.  The circle tightened around me.  Even Nate drew closer.  I could feel the tension from each of them.  All of them, except Nate, that is.  She seemed truly in her element.  She was perfectly at ease.  Without taking her eyes off of our surroundings, she leaned a little closer to me. 

“I’m just curious,” she said.  I wasn’t sure if she spoke so lowly to keep others from hearing or not.  But maybe volume didn’t really matter, as all the others were completely focused on the tree lines.  “How can you still wear that thing?  In your hair, I mean?” She glanced at me for my reaction.

The question took me off guard, and I unconsciously reached up and touched the clip.  “I guess… because it is just a thing.  It’s just an object, it was never really what she wanted me to think it was.  I knew that then, deep down, and I know it now.  Plus, it’s…”

“A sort of challenge?”  It was as if she had read my mind.  I couldn’t see her face now, because she had returned her attention back to the job at hand.

“Yeah…” I blinked at her sudden interest in me.

“That’s what I thought,” she said, giving a nod.  And I couldn’t make out the tone of her voice.  Did she approve?  Or disapprove for some reason?  I couldn’t be sure.  But why ask now, of all times?  Was it because she was more comfortable in tense situations?

“I see something!” One of the guards called.  Gregor, was it? 

I looked around, as the others did.  I saw Derik tense up.

“Tighter!” he directed.  He backed up so close to me, I could have touched him.

“What’s going on?” another of the guards asked.  This one must be Macey.  Besides Nate, she was the only female to accompany us.  From the looks of her, she was every bit as capable as the men… Maybe more so.

“We’re surrounded.” Derik’s voice did not contain even the slightest tinge of surrender.  “Gamut!” He didn’t turn.

“Yeah.” Gamut flinched a little. 

“Remember the plan.  You know where to go.”

Gamut’s hesitation was minuscule.  “Right.”  Still, everyone remained in their places. 

Craning my neck to see around each of them, I still could not make out any movement at the tree line. 

“We’ve got to head back.  It’s our only chance.  They’re not quite as thick back that way.” Derik backed up, nudging me along.  The others followed suit.  Nate was now taking point. 

“I think we should keep going the way we were, Derik,” she said, as she began moving.  “I think they expect us to go back.  They’re herding us like cattle, that’s what they’re doing.” She glanced around. 

“Haylee’s safety is number one right now, Nate, not your sadistic love for battle.  I’m sure you’ll get your chance, either way… but let’s try it my way first, okay?” Derik didn’t let the conversation distract him.  I could tell, though he was saying one thing, his mind was on the matter at hand.

“You’re the boss, Love,” she scoffed, but kept on moving.

“They’d come out into the sunlight?” I asked.

“They will.  It just isn’t very comfortable for them.  But, for the right reasons…” Gamut shrugged a little. 

“It’s not very comfortable?”

“Yeah… skin rashes, that kind of thing.  Light sensitivity… So, most likely they won’t come out and are just trying to scare us into doing something stupid.  Right, Derik?”

It took Derik a moment to reply.  “Yeah… right.”

I threw a look over my shoulder.  “But?” I asked.  “Did I just sense a but?”

Derik met my eyes briefly.  “But… there are some who have built up a sort of tolerance… Not many people know about them.  They don’t get out much, not in the open anyway.  They’re what you might call special ops.”

“Why are they so special – I mean, besides the tolerance to sunlight?” I was now as focused on my surroundings as the rest of them.

“Is this really the place to discuss this?” Phil interceded.

“It’s as good a place as any,” Macey said.  “I want to hear about these special forces.”

“They’re really old, more experienced, and have better control over their abilities.  It’s a little complicated…” Derik continued. “Let’s just say they are their master’s royal guard, his personal sentry.  He doesn’t just send them after anyone.”

“So, if he sends them, you know he means business?” Gamut asked, somewhat nervously.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Why haven’t you told us about them before now?” Gamut asked, somewhat suspiciously.

“It was never necessary before… I never thought any of you would ever see them.  They hardly ever make an appearance.” I could tell Derik was getting a little irritated with the twenty questions.

    But I had to ask my own.  “And you’re bringing it up now because you think they’re out there?” My nerves had never really settled, but now they kicked up into overdrive.

    Derik didn’t answer.  When I glanced back at him, his attention was elsewhere. 

    “I’m not seeing them, anymore,” Gregor said, his voice lower this time.  We kept moving.

    Though I hadn’t seen them to begin with, I scanned the trees again.  Nothing.  But taking what Derik had just told us into account, I decided to look elsewhere.  My eyes swept the open field in front of us.  I stopped moving.  “Oh yeah?  Then what do you call that?” I pointed.  Several figures were blocking our path, where anyone up front could have clearly seen them, if they hadn’t been looking in the usual places.

    Derik stopped just before walking into me.  I felt him against my back.  The others turned their heads to the front.  Someone swore.  I think it was Macey.

    The figures in front of us stood very still.  They were so far away, I couldn’t make out their faces but could only identify them by their pale skin.

    “How come you didn’t sense those guys there, Derik?” Gamut asked, dubiously.

    “Probably the same reason you didn’t feel them staring at us, Gamut,” Nate answered instead.  “Sensory overload.  There’s simply too many of them.”

    My eyes went wide.  How many was too many?  So many Derik couldn’t sense the ones in front of us?  I must have tensed noticeably, because he placed a hand on my arm.  He gave it a light squeeze, then moved around me, making sure I was still in the center of the circle.

    “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, alright?  We all came into this knowing what might happen.  You’ve all trained for this.  Whatever happens, you can take it.”  He moved up beside Nate.  “Let’s see what their demands are,” he joked.  And we were moving forward again.

    We came to a stop about twenty feet away from the group.  I could make out their features now.  Their skin was nearly as pale as the others but tougher and smooth, almost like scar tissue.  They had the same animal eyes.  There were only two major differences.  Their clothes were nicer – they were dressed all in white – and their faces were painted.  It may have been their version of war paint but, to me, they looked like sadistic clowns.  They looked like my worst irrational fear come to life.  My mind flashed back to the picture in my old room.  Had someone been trying to tell me something, or scare me, when that thing showed up out of nowhere?  Their lips were stained a bright, bold red, as if to simulate blood.  But the effect wasn’t complete until they smiled at me.  Not until they showed me those razor sharp teeth did I truly feel fear.  And how did I know those smiles were directed at me, in particular?  Oh, you would know. 

    I took a step back without having any knowledge of doing so.  Gamut grabbed my hand.  I hadn’t realized he had been standing so close, but I was grateful he had.  I think without him to ground me at that moment, I would have made a run for it.  Then again, maybe that was their intention.  To get me out in the open.  He squeezed my hand, and I looked up at him thankfully.

One of them stepped forward, at that moment.  He didn’t take his eyes off of me.  I shivered, when he spoke.  “We jussst want the girrllll…” he nearly crooned.  “We, of course, are prepared to take her by force.”  He gestured with his arm, gracefully.  Despite my fear, I found him fascinating to watch.  I couldn’t take my eyes off him. 

Derik took another step forward.  “Well.  That’s just how it will have to be done, then.  Because you’re either leaving here empty handed, or we’ll have to force you to.”  I could hear the sneer in his voice.

The Pale One in front of him widened his toothy grin into something so menacing, I would have screamed if I wasn’t already paralyzed with this strange fascination.  His slitted eyes slid from me to Derik, now.  “Is that sssooo…?  Well, then, I’m afraid we have a predicament… do we not?”  His smile vanished, as his eyes dropped to the ground.  “Very well.”  He moved fluidly back to the others in his group and took up with them in whispery tones. 

Derik took this moment to talk to us.  “Gamut, be ready,” he said, noting our interlocked hands.  “Haylee.”

My eyes snapped to his face.  Had I been staring at the Pale Ones again?

He came closer to me and touched my face.  He looked concerned.  “Please, don’t look at them anymore.  I don’t know how, but they seem to have a very powerful hold over you.  More so than the others.  Can you do that?  For me?” His eyes were searching.

I blinked several times until I grasped what he was saying.  Then I frowned and nodded.  “Okay.  I can do that… I think.  I’ll try?” I was suddenly very worried I might not be able to.

He swallowed hard.  “Okay… Good.”  He turned then, and said, “Get ready for a fight, everyone.  ‘Cause we’re getting one.”  He strode to the front of the group again.  “Remember.  Haylee’s the number one priority.  If she doesn’t make it, we’ve failed.” 

I was abruptly very aware of what was happening.  These people were risking their lives for me.  Me?  Why?  I didn’t like this one bit, but now there was nothing I could do.  There was no way they’d let me give myself up in order to save them.  Besides, the Pale Ones didn’t seem the trustworthy types.  They’d probably accept my surrender and still kill the others.  And I most certainly couldn’t live with that. 

The Pale Ones stopped talking, all at once, and turned toward us.  We tensed as one.  It was time, we could feel it.  Battle positions, everyone.  Gamut dropped my hand but situated himself partly in front of me.  Derik and Nate remained where they were.  The other three held their weapons at the ready.  We were as prepared as we’d ever be.  Well, everyone except me, that is.

Then the fighting had begun.

Chapters

22

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OpheliaWrites wrote 545 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

tricia_d wrote 629 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

Jacoba wrote 635 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

Shelby Z. wrote 223 days ago

Terra Incognita by Heather Riffle
Gripping!
I was pulled into the story from the opener. I like how you made it seem that she was being attacked by a savage animal, but it only turned out to be a fun game with the dog.
The phone call between her an her mom was long and drawn out, but otherwise everything else was gripping. I like how well you set up mystery and curious elements that the reader can't help but wonder what will happen or why is this so important.
Your style is drawing as well as smooth. I found no errors or choppy places at all.
I don't know why I haven't read this before, it is good.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Kristen_Undead wrote 251 days ago

Hi Heather,

I think you have a great concept with Terra Incognita. However, I think it could use a little tightening.

I might consider scrapping the first paragraph about Lobo. The way you opened, I was expecting a werewolf or some other sort of hell beast. It would be stronger if you dove right into Bethany's death. I would probably also break Chapter 1 at the point when the Sheriff comes to give that scene a little more impact and make it easier to digest everything we are learning in the beginning of the story.

I read the first three chapters. Are Glenna and Derik the pale ones? Haylee seems to accept these newcomers easily, especially after finding out she had been unconscious. Do her dream sequences have anything to do with them?

I would also check for unnecessary words like "so".

I think you're leading to a great set up and I'm interested to see where this goes!
Kristen
Immortal Dilemma

Julie_Undead wrote 262 days ago

Hi Heather!
I looked at 6 random chapters and was tempted to go back and start in order. The writing is really smooth, and I think you were right on to lower your MC's age...this definitely reads as YA, despite the eff word. :) Certainly a strong storyline, and I love your take on the supernatural... very unique. I believe you're on the right track here, and should absolutely seek out some more reviews to work toward that editor's desk!

--Julie
Running Home

Hannah Kytiryn wrote 370 days ago

I've rated and up you on my watchlist. :)

Chaos Magician Andrea wrote 433 days ago

Heather! This book is absolutely amazing! You had me hooked since page one and I have been unable to deviate my attention long enough to do much else today. When I couldn't be on my computer reading it, I was on my phone soaking it all up! I am absolutely in love with Darik and Haylee and am very anxious to read the rest. I couldn't flip the page fast enough and was shocked when it ended where it did. GREAT story, great characters, great read. I have nothing negative at all to say about this other than that I need more =)

Would be shocked if you didn't get an agent soon with this!

Andrea
A Perception of Dreams

TaniaJohansson wrote 436 days ago

So, I know I have already commented on this book, but I have now read all the way through. It is brilliant. My only problem now is that I cannot read the rest of it!
You are obviously such a talented author and I wish you all the best!!

TaniaJohansson wrote 438 days ago

Where to start? I Loved this book (yes capital L)! It has me completley hooked. I am up to chapter seven and will continue reading. It is so well written. Your dialogue in particular is excellent. The conversations feel completely real and natural.
The premise for the story is so interesting and from the off you built the suspense brilliantly. I found myself neglecting other things to find more time to read your book.
I immediately felt captured by Haylee. Amazing characterization.
To sum this up, I want this book on my bookshelf...my actual bookshelf (and of course on my kindle).
I wish you all the best with this! You deserve success with such a fantastic manuscript!

Oriax wrote 479 days ago

Hello Heather,
This really flows well. The dialogue is convincingly natural. I especially liked Haylee’s conversation with the sheriff. The description just enough to paint the scenery not too much to clutter the story with unecessary detail. You build up the suspense well, with the latch on the gate, the dog being attracted to something Haylee can’t see. Just one thing I thought of, the branch tapping against the window is a bit Wuthering Heights, and there it’s used to explain a dream sound of fingers tapping on the window. Would it be enough to have been woken by Lobo howling?

The end of paragraph six, chapter two is a bit strange:
‘Oddly, I felt drawn to the trail, awed by it somehow, but with this nagging sense of dread pressing up through it. I nearly took a step toward it…’ The sense of dread was pressing up through the trail?

I completely agree about the clown, they are horribly creepy. I like the way you say Haylee dropped the frame as if there had been a spider on it – exactly the right image for the situation.


Haylee certainly behaves like a cool customer, running after the dog into the woods that she has already had uneasy feelings about, in a thunderstorm, alone and leaving the house open behind her. By the time she is attacked by the pale man it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect Haylee to be half dead with fear! What seems to me to be missing is emotion. Haylee doesn’t register much fear at all. The same thought struck me a little later on when Glenna explains that Lobo is probably dead. I’d have expected Haylee to be choked up.

Glenna and Derik don’t seem to speak the same language. Glenna is very formal and stiff and speaks English as though it isn’t her first language; Derik talks like a regular kind of guy. Is this a social signal?

Chapter four I liked the description of the roof garden, which seemed a very sensible idea, liked the elements of mystery you introduce, like the lack of children, the lack of rain. But I found the section with the old lady confusing. Haylee blinks and wonders how long she has been staring at the old lady without blinking, she turns to Derik and they start a rather irritable conversation that excludes the old lady altogether. I wondered whether there had been a flash forward and we were no longer in the red room.

I have enjoyed the story so far, you have a good idea and you write very well. The first section in our time, to my mind works better than the chapters set in the future. Partly I think because you need to do a lot of explaining and introduce new characters. We are always being told to drip feed the explanations, only bringing them in when you can’t do otherwise. Big chunks of background tend to crowd out character development; it’s hard to do both at the same time. In chapter 3 Glenna tells Haylee an awful lot, but asks very few questions. Maybe you could balance it up a little and let Haylee discover the strangeness of the place bit by bit for herself.
I’ve given this high stars and I’m leaving it on my watchlist to read on later.
Jane



Julio Guzman wrote 483 days ago

Hi!
Just read your first chapter and I liked it...a lot! The opening to this was simply classic, so dramatic lol. Your writing is so unique and from the way I'm seeing it, flawless. Your storytelling abilities are undeniable and your dialogue is realistic and flows very well. I'm looking forward to reading more of this!

Six stars, good luck!

OpheliaWrites wrote 545 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

R K Alan wrote 545 days ago

Hello, Heather, and thank you for a delightful read. I enjoyed your descriptive narrative as it enlivened the world for me. You have a keen attention to detail. Your dialogue, the banter between mother and daughter seemed genuine and unforced.

I noted an odd bit when she woke from a rumble (thunder I assume) and then reacted to a flash (lightening I presumed). This is out of sequence as lightening precedes thunder.

You set up the tension nicely as she struggled between normalcy, the death of her aunt and the dread that the reader senses around her. Very Hitchcock-like and works well to establish the tension.

Good luck with this and I'll return for more when I have more time. Ray

OpheliaWrites wrote 586 days ago

CH.1

I was drawn to the book by the cover, looking over a friend's shelf, and I am SO GLAD I ventured to read. Chapter one was flawless, engaging, exciting, etc. I love the name Lobo and your little trick at the beginning. It certainly worked! Starred and watchlisted!

DesiS. wrote 590 days ago

I know that a story is good when I get insomnia- in that I am staying up late reading what happens next instead of going to sleep, and am dead tired at work the next day! Where you shine is in your character development. I think the development of mystery around Derik was done especially well. After an initial slow start the pacing was done well.

Some things I was wondering about in the story- I am surprised that when she finds herself in the future Haylee doesn't think more about what she left behind-that all her family/ friends are dead ect. In Chapter 4 I keep wanting her to look for dates on the trophys or dates in the magazines- copy write dates in the books- if she is curious when the pale ones took over it, would seem she would look for these to get a clue about when society as we know it ended.

Editorial issues: Chapter 1(part 1) - "...I'm real sorry for you (your?) loss." Chapter Two- the fraction 3/4 comes up repeatedly- not sure what to make of this unusual typo- computer glitch? Examples- "Right, but 3/4" and " I 3/4 I've 3/4 I just haven't." and "...some other dimension, or 3/4 or something. I 3/4 I don't know." Section 16- "I3/4 I think so," "I'm fine 3/4 fine," and "But this3/4 water is 3/4 pretty 3/4 heavy."
Section 26- "I bulked (balked?),...

I did really enjoy this story and would love to know what happens next. Are you going to post more? 5 stars and backed. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

difloyd wrote 619 days ago

Thanks for supporting my sister, Ellise Weaver, and her book. It means a great deal to both of us. You might want to check out her new cover...I know she would love to know what you think and if you've finished the book. And to say a proper thank you I'll check out your book and give you high marks!

Thanks again,

Diane

tricia_d wrote 629 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

MichelleThuis wrote 631 days ago

ch 1. I feel like in the first section, something should be said about still feeling uneasy. No killer has been caught or found. Isn't she worried it could still be out there? I would be.

See, you are doing a good job of freaking me out. Especially in that second section. But it would feel more realistic if she were scared too. Characters in horror scenes are so often so oblivious to the fact that if they were a real human being, they'd be freaked out too. They just happy go lucky go check the window, etc. And never think about possible killer people/beasts/something still out there. :)

Enjoying this so far. Good writing. I don't like the 'so' at the beginning of the 'so, arms shaking' sentence in the first paragraph. It seems like it might be better without the so. However, I'm not sure about that.

Ok, at least now she's got some fear. Seems a little late though.

You seem to start quite a few sentences with 'so'. I think it might be a bad thing.

Her thought when her mom gets off the phone is too harsh. "Well, I should get going," as though nothing significant said. Why should she say good bye any other way? :)

Ok, if my aunt died a bloody death and I was in a home alone, my natural reaction would not be to take strange opening and closing gates and think I was over-reacting. My reaction would be, "Holy crap. I might be over-reacting, but I just went through a bad situation, so I'm ok with the fact that I am over-reacting. Seems natural. I am NOT sleeping here alone tonight. Even if it's silly. I'm just not."

If something came into the yard and the dog was outside, how did they not fight? Just a thought.

And really, I'm enjoying the writing and the story. But I feel like you're doing the usual, "Make my character dumber for the sake of the plot" mistake. I'd be freaked out if I were her. I'd be over-reacting, not under-reacting. Just a thought.

MichelleThuis wrote 631 days ago

ch 1. I love the opening sentence. So nonchalant. I really love it. I'll read more soon. :)

Heather Riffle wrote 635 days ago

Hi, Jacoba!

Thank you very much for you comment! Of course, I would love and appreciate any further feedback you have that might better my book, so feel free to message them through. As soon as I have done a little editing to the next few chapters, I'll post them and let you know. I hope they live up to your feelings thus far. Again, thank you, and I can hardly wait to hear what else you have to say! I really appreciate that you took the time to read Terra Incognita and comment.

Heather

Jacoba wrote 635 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

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