Book Jacket

 

rank 503
word count 92398
date submitted 21.08.2011
date updated 25.08.2012
genres: Romance, Fantasy, Horror, Young Adu...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Terra Incognita

Heather Riffle

A girl must survive a future ruled by the "Pale Ones," while discovering love, friendship and a fate greater than she could ever believe possible.

 

Seventeen-year old Haylee Wells thought her mother pressuring her to choose a college was her only problem. But between her aunt’s death and a wraithlike creature attacking, she suddenly has much more to handle. When she finds herself in a post-apocalyptic future where these creatures reign and can kill with a single touch, she takes refuge with a group of humans who have their own special abilities. She needs to find her way home. But the connection she shares with Derik – the duty-bound protector of the group – and her own developing abilities complicate things further. If she fails to realize the power within herself, she risks becoming a slave to the Pale Ones and never returning home.

A YA post-apocalyptic paranormal with romantic elements, TERRA INCOGNITA will introduce readers to a new supernatural creature and immerse them in a world where humans must fight daily to survive.

Complete at 104,000 words.

 
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adventure, fantasy, future, romance, self-discovery, supernatural

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Chapters

25

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The group gathered in front of us divided, making a path.  As they did so, a voice sounded from that side of the room.  “I’m so glad you could join us,” he said.  “It saves us from having to go get you.” With that, a man appeared before us.  He was nowhere near as tall as the others and he didn’t look like one of them.  He looked human and not much older than me.  When he stepped forward, the pain in the shoulder I had been cradling all but disappeared.  Or, at least, it felt as though it had.  It was more like I had forgotten about it.  The man before us had all of my attention.  Something about him had me on high alert, while at the same time, something was making me feel detached from what was going on around me.  I can’t describe it now, any better than I could have then. 

“My name is Sullivan,” he said.  Though he looked at both of us, I felt as though he was speaking to me alone.  And I didn’t like that feeling.  “There’s no reason to be afraid.  We won’t harm her.” He directed this last part toward Derik. 

“Excuse me, if I don’t believe you,” Derik replied between clenched teeth. 

“Well.  I suppose I understand.” He waved the others away, and they went back to their seats, keeping their eyes on us.  “Come.  Sit.”  He gestured us to follow him to the nearest vacant seating area. 

As soon as he turned away, I became acutely aware of the pain in my shoulder.  I glanced down at it and saw it was only slightly oozing blood, though it must have been bleeding profusely for a few moments.  I looked up at Derik, who still had not moved nor taken his eyes off of the man.  Derik’s right arm had blood on it.  I moved closer to him, touching his arm, and was relieved to note the blood there was not his own. 

He looked down at my touch and, before he could voice his concern, Sullivan called out, “Icarus, get the first aid kit.” 

I saw one of them stand as if to protest, then, thinking better of it, marched out a nearby door.  It was one of only two doors exiting this room.  I glanced toward the other one, at the far end of the room. 

Sullivan turned back to us, indicating a sofa in front of him.  “Sit, please.  As I have said, no harm will befall you.  Let us take a look at your injury.  It hurts, does it not?”  When his eyes met mine, pain shot through my arm. 

I sucked in a breath.  Derik’s eyes narrowed, but he pulled me toward the couch and sat me down.  I thought he must have been thinking what I was.  We didn’t have much choice in that matter, at the moment.  Why not get my shoulder treated, in the meantime.  Then we’d think about escape.  So, I sat down across from this man named Sullivan. 

He looked at me.  “Haylee, is it?  Not very fitting for someone of your abilities, is it?  We’ll have to think of something more suitable for you.”  I just frowned at him, as I held my arm.  “Ah, there you are,” he said over my shoulder.  To me, he said, “This is Icarus.  He will tend to your wound, while we talk.  Icarus.”  He gestured to me and, after a moment, I felt someone touch my arm. 

I jumped a little.  When I turned to look at Icarus, he would not meet my eyes, simply working with a slight look of distaste.  He looked like many of the others.  Pale, tall, and leanly muscled.  I felt a small shiver run up my spine, closed my eyes, and swallowed it back down.  I could have sworn an amused smile touched his lips.  At least his amusement was not enough to show teeth.  I jumped enough when he wiped the cold, damp cloth across my skin, cleaning the area.  I looked away quickly.  On the other side of me, Derik placed his fingertips on the back of my hand.  My heart slowed slightly.  When my eyes met Sullivan’s once again, it was as if the slash in my shoulder did not exist. 

I blinked at him.  Now that I was closer, I could see he was entirely – or at least nearly entirely – human.  Why was he here?  How was he here?  Though we were both sitting, I could tell he was no more than three or four inches taller than me, and he appeared to be no older than maybe twenty-five.  But he seemed older.  As I was studying him, I noticed his lips spreading into a wide smile.  Though it made him more handsome, his smile threw me.  “What?  What is it?”  I glanced back and forth, searching for the source of his pleasure.

He laughed lightly.  “You.  You are most certainly not what I expected.”  He studied my face intently.  “Much more pleasing to the eye, yes, but not at all what I expected.  You’re so…” he shook his head, still smiling.  “I’m not sure young would be appropriate.  Inexperienced, perhaps.”  The way he looked me up and down, made me uncomfortable. 

I shifted slightly and was immediately reminded of my wound, as Icarus tugged at it sharply.  I winced.

Icarus!  I’m not going to warn you twice,” Sullivan said, menacingly.  Icarus was much more gentle after that. 

I glanced down at the wound to see it was clean and had actually been stitched up.  He was snipping the thread, as I watched.  How had I not felt it all this time?

“It’s best, Dear, if you do not look at it.” 

I looked back to see Sullivan trying to catch my eyes again.  And the pain was gone once more.  “How do you do that?” I asked.

“It’s quite simple,” he replied.  I wasn’t sure whether or not I heard conceit in his voice.  “I could show you, sometime.” 

I frowned again.  Was he flirting with me?  This was just getting too weird.  Looking away, I reached for Derik’s hand, which was still lightly against mine, and felt him gently squeeze back.  I felt calmer. 

When I looked up, Sullivan’s eyes were on our joined hands.  For a moment, I thought he might be scowling, but he looked up instantly, his face pleasant.  “So,” he said.  “You’ve given us a lot of trouble – both of you.”  He took a deep breath.  “But all’s well that ends well, they always said.  So.  We should prepare you for introductions, I suppose.”  He looked me over again, raising his eyebrows.  He stood.  “Icarus.  Have them prepare a bath and everything else for the Presentation.”  He gestured indifferently, as if suddenly he had no interest in anything whatsoever.  He moved closer to me, and I felt Derik tense, ready to fight if need be.  Sullivan looked down at me and held out his hand.  “Haylee.”  It still sounded as though he was having trouble with my name.  “Please, walk with me.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat and looked over to Derik.  He eyed Sullivan suspiciously for a moment and got up, towering over him.  Sullivan chose to ignore him, as he gazed down at me.  Still, I wasn’t sure what to do.  I glanced from his hand to Derik once more. 

“Of course, your… friend… may accompany us,” Sullivan said, pleasantly, though I could tell he disliked the idea. 

I looked to Derik once more, who finally gave a single nod.  I hesitated and slowly began to raise my hand, the one that had so recently been within Derik’s grasp.  When it rested ever so slightly against Sullivan’s, he wrapped his fingers around it.  I had expected his hand to be cold but it was actually warmer than Derik’s had been.  I don’t know why this surprised me.  He caught my gaze again and pulled me up from the sofa.  It seemed to take place in slow motion and, by the time I was wholly upon my feet, I felt dizzy.  I felt as though I was going to fall back again, when Sullivan’s other hand came around my waist and caught me.  Suddenly, I understood what was happening, as I saw Derik reaching for Sullivan.

“Derik, wait,” I said.  “It’s alright.”  I blinked up at Sullivan, narrowed my eyes and pulled them away from his.  Then, everything was back to normal, and Derik was frowning at me.  He and all of the others in the room were frozen mid-movement.  He had been in the process of possibly decking Sullivan, and they had been preparing to stop Derik.  Interesting. 

“I could show you how I did that, as well,” he said, his voice enticing me. 

It took some effort not to meet his eyes again.  I knew that was what he wanted. 

“You don’t sound alright,” Derik said, accusingly.  “Your heart’s racing.”

I met his eyes instead and took a deep breath.  “No, I am.  He was just… sharing something with me.  That’s what you would call it, right, Sullivan?”  Still I looked only at Derik.

I could hear the smile in his voice.  “That’s exactly what I would call it,” he said.  “And I could share – teach you – much more than that.”  What he was doing was showing off.

His voice sent a small thrill through me, which I quelled immediately.  Oh, he was good… whatever he was.

I heard him laugh.  “Oh, you have no idea.” He slid his hand around and away from the small of my back and placed it at his side again.  “You’re wondering what I am?  When you already know?”

I cheeks burned slightly.  “Seer.  You’re their seer.  Like Sabella, only… not like Sabella at all.  She would never treat me like this.  Never use her abilities to persuade, to…” I swallowed, not wanting to continue that line of thought.

“Seduce?” He finished it for me.  “Is that what I’m doing?  Trying to seduce you with power?  Seduce you to the dark side?” I could hear – no, feel – his smile.  And it made me shiver.

“Stop it, now,” Derik growled at him.

Sullivan sighed.  “Very well… for now.”

I could feel his eyes upon me, more intense than ever.  Then I felt my body relax.  I hadn’t even realized it was tensed. 

“Shall we go now?” His tone was light, so I chanced a look at his face.  It had changed somehow, but I couldn’t place the difference.  He still had my hand, and I nodded.  He gave me a friendly smile before indicating, “This way, then.”

We left the room, only to enter a hallway.  It, too, was lit by lanterns, and guards stood at regular intervals.  We passed between them every twelve feet or so.  How many were there?  None of them were the royal guard from the field or the cave.  Where were they?  Guarding his immortal highness? 

Sullivan tucked my arm into his elbow, basically sandwiching my hand between both of his, as we walked.  He was closer to me than I would have liked.  And Derik was right behind us.  “Where are we going?” I asked, as I watched various doors go by.

“Well, I thought you would enjoy a nice hot bath.  A real one.  A soak in an actual tub.  Not a quick spray off in a makeshift shower.  Did I mention hot?”  He glanced down at me and used one of his hands to dust mine off.  “I mean, have you seen yourself lately?  You’re a mess, no offense.  But you were just crawling around in an old ventilation shaft.” He paused.  “Besides, one must be in their purest state before meeting the Master.  Before the Presentation.”  He stopped walking.  “Here we are.  This will be where we part ways.  Don’t worry.  I will send someone for you, when He has arrived.”

“I – I don’t understand.  Purest state?  Presentation?” I shook my head.  “Do you know what he’s talking about, Derik?”

Derik frowned, shaking his head briefly.  “No.  This is all new to me… He didn’t have a pet seer when I last saw him.  Donal is coming here?” He looked back to our host.

“No one refers to him by that name!” Sullivan said harshly.  “He is the Master to you, and only the Master.  And yes, He wishes to see this one in person.”  He turned back to me, trying to smooth his features, because I had jumped at his sudden loss of temper.  “Now, where was I?  Oh, yes.  I just meant you must be presentable when we introduce you.  That’s all.  Now, you’re bath is ready, right through this door.  When you are finished, proceed through the other door, and you will find a fresh change of clothes.  Alright?” Keeping my hand in one of his, he placed his other hand on the knob and began to turn it.  “Oh, one more thing.  Are you a virgin?”

“Huh?” I asked, as Derik growled, “Hey.”

“Are you a

“I know what you said, just not why you asked it.  It’s not any of your business!”  My face had turned bright red now, and I didn’t know where to avert my eyes.  I felt as though everyone was staring at me. 

“You are right, of course.  It’s not important anyway.  I was merely curious.”  And he eyed Derik significantly. 

It took me a moment to get his meaning and I blushed more deeply, though I wouldn’t have thought it possible. 

Hm… I see,” was all he said, as he met Derik’s eyes.  He seemed to get the answer he was looking for, at least where Derik and I were concerned.  He turned back toward me and bowed slightly.  “Forgive me.  I overstepped.” Then he opened the door.  “Go on, enjoy.  We will see you again shortly.”

Slowly, I pulled my hand from his, afraid to look away from him, not trusting his explanation.  I glanced at Derik, who had moved closer during the exchange, and reached for his hand.  With our hands entwined, I began to move forward.

But Sullivan stopped us.  “Ah… He is to come with us.”

I blinked, looking back and forth between the two of them.  Derik looked unhappy about the idea.  “I’m not leaving her alone,” he said.

“And I don’t want to be alone.” My hand was still firmly attached to his.

Sullivan seemed to think about the dilemma, then replied, “Well, I suppose I could have one of the guards stay with you then.”  His eyes were calculating, as they met mine.

“No.” Derik and I replied at once.

“I want Derik…” I said, sensing this was a loosing battle.

The eyes that met mine now were cold.  “Well, I’m afraid that’s not going to happen.  He is coming with us, and you are going to get ready.  Either you go in alone, or one of them stays with you.”  I glanced were he indicated.  The others all looked at me hungrily.  “So, what will it be?”

Derik tensed up beside me.

“Now, now.  We don’t want to cause any trouble and have anyone get hurt.  Do we?” Sullivan turned those eyes on Derik now. 

A frown flickered across Derik’s face, then his eyes met mine.  “I have your word nothing will happen to her?  She won’t be harmed, in any way?”  What was he doing?

“You have my word.” Sullivan’s voice was like silk now.

I felt his grasp on my hand loosen.  I held tighter, as he pulled away.  “No.  Derik, please.  I can’t.  Don’t.”  I grabbed at his hand with both of mine now, and he still managed to pull away. 

Haylee.  It’ll be okay.  Whether or not I’m with you, I won’t let anything happen to you.  Alright?”  I felt him steering me into the room, then they were pulling him back.  He even fought to free himself but there were too many hands pulling at him.  “Hey, let go.  I’m trying to” As soon as he had cleared the door, it slammed shut.

“Derik!  Wait, please!”  I grabbed the doorknob, but it wouldn’t turn.  I yanked on it, and it wouldn’t budge.  Then, I pounded on the door with both fists until I was tired.  Turning, I fell against it and gave it one final kick, before sliding to the floor.  I listened for a moment but heard nothing.  The door and walls must have been thick.  So, realizing I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, I took the opportunity to study my surroundings. 

And I realized I wasn’t alone, after all.

Chapters

25

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OpheliaWrites wrote 547 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

tricia_d wrote 632 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

Jacoba wrote 638 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

Shelby Z. wrote 225 days ago

Terra Incognita by Heather Riffle
Gripping!
I was pulled into the story from the opener. I like how you made it seem that she was being attacked by a savage animal, but it only turned out to be a fun game with the dog.
The phone call between her an her mom was long and drawn out, but otherwise everything else was gripping. I like how well you set up mystery and curious elements that the reader can't help but wonder what will happen or why is this so important.
Your style is drawing as well as smooth. I found no errors or choppy places at all.
I don't know why I haven't read this before, it is good.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Kristen_Undead wrote 253 days ago

Hi Heather,

I think you have a great concept with Terra Incognita. However, I think it could use a little tightening.

I might consider scrapping the first paragraph about Lobo. The way you opened, I was expecting a werewolf or some other sort of hell beast. It would be stronger if you dove right into Bethany's death. I would probably also break Chapter 1 at the point when the Sheriff comes to give that scene a little more impact and make it easier to digest everything we are learning in the beginning of the story.

I read the first three chapters. Are Glenna and Derik the pale ones? Haylee seems to accept these newcomers easily, especially after finding out she had been unconscious. Do her dream sequences have anything to do with them?

I would also check for unnecessary words like "so".

I think you're leading to a great set up and I'm interested to see where this goes!
Kristen
Immortal Dilemma

Julie_Undead wrote 265 days ago

Hi Heather!
I looked at 6 random chapters and was tempted to go back and start in order. The writing is really smooth, and I think you were right on to lower your MC's age...this definitely reads as YA, despite the eff word. :) Certainly a strong storyline, and I love your take on the supernatural... very unique. I believe you're on the right track here, and should absolutely seek out some more reviews to work toward that editor's desk!

--Julie
Running Home

Hannah Kytiryn wrote 372 days ago

I've rated and up you on my watchlist. :)

Chaos Magician Andrea wrote 435 days ago

Heather! This book is absolutely amazing! You had me hooked since page one and I have been unable to deviate my attention long enough to do much else today. When I couldn't be on my computer reading it, I was on my phone soaking it all up! I am absolutely in love with Darik and Haylee and am very anxious to read the rest. I couldn't flip the page fast enough and was shocked when it ended where it did. GREAT story, great characters, great read. I have nothing negative at all to say about this other than that I need more =)

Would be shocked if you didn't get an agent soon with this!

Andrea
A Perception of Dreams

TaniaJohansson wrote 438 days ago

So, I know I have already commented on this book, but I have now read all the way through. It is brilliant. My only problem now is that I cannot read the rest of it!
You are obviously such a talented author and I wish you all the best!!

TaniaJohansson wrote 440 days ago

Where to start? I Loved this book (yes capital L)! It has me completley hooked. I am up to chapter seven and will continue reading. It is so well written. Your dialogue in particular is excellent. The conversations feel completely real and natural.
The premise for the story is so interesting and from the off you built the suspense brilliantly. I found myself neglecting other things to find more time to read your book.
I immediately felt captured by Haylee. Amazing characterization.
To sum this up, I want this book on my bookshelf...my actual bookshelf (and of course on my kindle).
I wish you all the best with this! You deserve success with such a fantastic manuscript!

Oriax wrote 481 days ago

Hello Heather,
This really flows well. The dialogue is convincingly natural. I especially liked Haylee’s conversation with the sheriff. The description just enough to paint the scenery not too much to clutter the story with unecessary detail. You build up the suspense well, with the latch on the gate, the dog being attracted to something Haylee can’t see. Just one thing I thought of, the branch tapping against the window is a bit Wuthering Heights, and there it’s used to explain a dream sound of fingers tapping on the window. Would it be enough to have been woken by Lobo howling?

The end of paragraph six, chapter two is a bit strange:
‘Oddly, I felt drawn to the trail, awed by it somehow, but with this nagging sense of dread pressing up through it. I nearly took a step toward it…’ The sense of dread was pressing up through the trail?

I completely agree about the clown, they are horribly creepy. I like the way you say Haylee dropped the frame as if there had been a spider on it – exactly the right image for the situation.


Haylee certainly behaves like a cool customer, running after the dog into the woods that she has already had uneasy feelings about, in a thunderstorm, alone and leaving the house open behind her. By the time she is attacked by the pale man it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect Haylee to be half dead with fear! What seems to me to be missing is emotion. Haylee doesn’t register much fear at all. The same thought struck me a little later on when Glenna explains that Lobo is probably dead. I’d have expected Haylee to be choked up.

Glenna and Derik don’t seem to speak the same language. Glenna is very formal and stiff and speaks English as though it isn’t her first language; Derik talks like a regular kind of guy. Is this a social signal?

Chapter four I liked the description of the roof garden, which seemed a very sensible idea, liked the elements of mystery you introduce, like the lack of children, the lack of rain. But I found the section with the old lady confusing. Haylee blinks and wonders how long she has been staring at the old lady without blinking, she turns to Derik and they start a rather irritable conversation that excludes the old lady altogether. I wondered whether there had been a flash forward and we were no longer in the red room.

I have enjoyed the story so far, you have a good idea and you write very well. The first section in our time, to my mind works better than the chapters set in the future. Partly I think because you need to do a lot of explaining and introduce new characters. We are always being told to drip feed the explanations, only bringing them in when you can’t do otherwise. Big chunks of background tend to crowd out character development; it’s hard to do both at the same time. In chapter 3 Glenna tells Haylee an awful lot, but asks very few questions. Maybe you could balance it up a little and let Haylee discover the strangeness of the place bit by bit for herself.
I’ve given this high stars and I’m leaving it on my watchlist to read on later.
Jane



Julio Guzman wrote 485 days ago

Hi!
Just read your first chapter and I liked it...a lot! The opening to this was simply classic, so dramatic lol. Your writing is so unique and from the way I'm seeing it, flawless. Your storytelling abilities are undeniable and your dialogue is realistic and flows very well. I'm looking forward to reading more of this!

Six stars, good luck!

OpheliaWrites wrote 547 days ago

Okay, I am not a gusher so the following is sincere and rarely said. I stayed up until midnight last night and, furthermore, neglected my duties at work most of the day yesterday to read your book "cover to cover". It is now on my shelf and I'm changing my rating from 5 stars to 6!

In general, Terra Incognito is a masterful dystopian love story with unusual characters that are far from stock and have the reader emotionally invested within minutes. Everything, from the cover design to the concept to the voice to the plot, thrills, engages, and keeps normally sane adults turning pages like mad people. The alternate reality that has been constructed is not only believable and livable, it also hearkens back to the classic "other worlds' like Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, a beautifully woven fabric of time and circumstance that makes the reader feel exactly like a modern-day Alice or Dorothy.

In a vamp-weary culture of readers, Terra Incognito's Pale Ones are a new breed of scary, creatures which, even after reading all the chapters posted, cannot be categorized so easily. Without ruining the plot for anyone else, I have to say that I was thrown for a loop a number of times, something rare for me also, and each time I was greatly pleased with the results.

I highly recommend this book to a whole host of readers: paranormal romance, mystery, dystopian, urban fantasy, sci-fi, the list goes on. If this were a movie (and it would make a great one by the way!!), I would rate it PG, perfectly suited for the young adult audience for which it was obviously intended.

Excellent work from a talented new author. Best of luck!!

R K Alan wrote 548 days ago

Hello, Heather, and thank you for a delightful read. I enjoyed your descriptive narrative as it enlivened the world for me. You have a keen attention to detail. Your dialogue, the banter between mother and daughter seemed genuine and unforced.

I noted an odd bit when she woke from a rumble (thunder I assume) and then reacted to a flash (lightening I presumed). This is out of sequence as lightening precedes thunder.

You set up the tension nicely as she struggled between normalcy, the death of her aunt and the dread that the reader senses around her. Very Hitchcock-like and works well to establish the tension.

Good luck with this and I'll return for more when I have more time. Ray

OpheliaWrites wrote 588 days ago

CH.1

I was drawn to the book by the cover, looking over a friend's shelf, and I am SO GLAD I ventured to read. Chapter one was flawless, engaging, exciting, etc. I love the name Lobo and your little trick at the beginning. It certainly worked! Starred and watchlisted!

DesiS. wrote 593 days ago

I know that a story is good when I get insomnia- in that I am staying up late reading what happens next instead of going to sleep, and am dead tired at work the next day! Where you shine is in your character development. I think the development of mystery around Derik was done especially well. After an initial slow start the pacing was done well.

Some things I was wondering about in the story- I am surprised that when she finds herself in the future Haylee doesn't think more about what she left behind-that all her family/ friends are dead ect. In Chapter 4 I keep wanting her to look for dates on the trophys or dates in the magazines- copy write dates in the books- if she is curious when the pale ones took over it, would seem she would look for these to get a clue about when society as we know it ended.

Editorial issues: Chapter 1(part 1) - "...I'm real sorry for you (your?) loss." Chapter Two- the fraction 3/4 comes up repeatedly- not sure what to make of this unusual typo- computer glitch? Examples- "Right, but 3/4" and " I 3/4 I've 3/4 I just haven't." and "...some other dimension, or 3/4 or something. I 3/4 I don't know." Section 16- "I3/4 I think so," "I'm fine 3/4 fine," and "But this3/4 water is 3/4 pretty 3/4 heavy."
Section 26- "I bulked (balked?),...

I did really enjoy this story and would love to know what happens next. Are you going to post more? 5 stars and backed. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

difloyd wrote 622 days ago

Thanks for supporting my sister, Ellise Weaver, and her book. It means a great deal to both of us. You might want to check out her new cover...I know she would love to know what you think and if you've finished the book. And to say a proper thank you I'll check out your book and give you high marks!

Thanks again,

Diane

tricia_d wrote 632 days ago

This is a book I've been coming back to read again and again. It's a story I've thought about all day while I'm supposed to be concentrating on other things. In other words, this is an outstanding book. I'm not a fan of books that have elements of time travel (I loathed The Time Traveler's Wife), so for you to sell me on this book-- well, this is quite an accomplishment.

Haylee is an unforgetable character- vulnerable, yet strong. I'm know I'm probably not supposed to like Derick, but I can't help it. He's rude, pessimistic, and powerful. But, the chemistry between Derick and Haylee is incredible early on, and I'm addicted to developing relationship between them. The Pale Ones (Amara) are frighteningly creepy.

The world-building here is masterful-- you gradually set up this futuristic world where fear rules, where powers are the norm, where everyone must learn to kill in order to survive.

I've only made it through the first eight sections, but as usual, I'll be back tonight for more. I think I'm going to be pretty disappointed when I finish the posted chapters because I'm not going to want this to end.

MichelleThuis wrote 634 days ago

ch 1. I feel like in the first section, something should be said about still feeling uneasy. No killer has been caught or found. Isn't she worried it could still be out there? I would be.

See, you are doing a good job of freaking me out. Especially in that second section. But it would feel more realistic if she were scared too. Characters in horror scenes are so often so oblivious to the fact that if they were a real human being, they'd be freaked out too. They just happy go lucky go check the window, etc. And never think about possible killer people/beasts/something still out there. :)

Enjoying this so far. Good writing. I don't like the 'so' at the beginning of the 'so, arms shaking' sentence in the first paragraph. It seems like it might be better without the so. However, I'm not sure about that.

Ok, at least now she's got some fear. Seems a little late though.

You seem to start quite a few sentences with 'so'. I think it might be a bad thing.

Her thought when her mom gets off the phone is too harsh. "Well, I should get going," as though nothing significant said. Why should she say good bye any other way? :)

Ok, if my aunt died a bloody death and I was in a home alone, my natural reaction would not be to take strange opening and closing gates and think I was over-reacting. My reaction would be, "Holy crap. I might be over-reacting, but I just went through a bad situation, so I'm ok with the fact that I am over-reacting. Seems natural. I am NOT sleeping here alone tonight. Even if it's silly. I'm just not."

If something came into the yard and the dog was outside, how did they not fight? Just a thought.

And really, I'm enjoying the writing and the story. But I feel like you're doing the usual, "Make my character dumber for the sake of the plot" mistake. I'd be freaked out if I were her. I'd be over-reacting, not under-reacting. Just a thought.

MichelleThuis wrote 634 days ago

ch 1. I love the opening sentence. So nonchalant. I really love it. I'll read more soon. :)

Heather Riffle wrote 638 days ago

Hi, Jacoba!

Thank you very much for you comment! Of course, I would love and appreciate any further feedback you have that might better my book, so feel free to message them through. As soon as I have done a little editing to the next few chapters, I'll post them and let you know. I hope they live up to your feelings thus far. Again, thank you, and I can hardly wait to hear what else you have to say! I really appreciate that you took the time to read Terra Incognita and comment.

Heather

Jacoba wrote 638 days ago

Hi,
I'm not usually the first to comment. Quite frankly considering how good this is, I'm surprised no one else has taken a look.
I read all four chapters and quickly became fully immersed in this story. You have set up a unique world here that immediately begs for so many questions about what has happened to the world and how Haylee has ended up there. Derek works so well as the tall dark handsome rescuer. I'm a sucker for a good romance and even in these earlier chapters you have begun to build up the tension between them.
There were some very minor nitpicks with editing. I can message them through to you if you like, but as story goes I think this is a winner. I really enjoyed it. If you post more, send me a message via my profile page and I'll read on, I'd like to know what happens.
I'll watchlist this for now,
Cheers Jacoba

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