Book Jacket

 

rank 4239
word count 60918
date submitted 25.08.2011
date updated 02.09.2011
genres: Fiction
classification: moderate
complete

Sugar-Coated

Amie Littlewood

This is Sophie's journey through her eyes as she falls in love, falls into depression, and finally falls off the edge.

 

Sugar Coated is a journey of self-discovery and hopelessness, which follows Sophie, a young woman who is trying to find her place in the world. When she stumbles upon Ben on the London underground, she knows her life will never be the same again.

Ben seems to be everything she has ever wished for, charming, romantic - perfect; he doesn’t seem to have a single flaw. For a while things are great, until the day Ben’s bad news causes him to reveal that flaw Sophie had been searching for and she can’t help but wish it had never been uncovered.

After having alienated everyone who ever cared about her Sophie is left with no one to turn to when things go from bad to worse. When she’s reacquainted with a familiar face from her past, and an unusual bond is formed, certain relationships are bound to both flourish and falter.

Small misgivings and simple misunderstandings cause Sophie to re-evaluate her situation and set her down a path that can lead to only one end. How deep will Sophie sink before she begins the long, hard struggle to get out?

 
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tags

emotion, empowering, survival, timeless

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Chapters

7

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6.

 

 

Ben was making a bad habit of being really untidy around the flat and I was starting to get sick of picking up after him. His guitar lay aimlessly in the middle of the living room floor, surrounded by cigarette butts, beer bottles, socks, and old newspapers. I had been trying to be as patient as possible with him as I could, trying to be understanding but it was becoming too much.

 

I had just about cleared everything up when there was a knock on the door.

 

    “Mum, hi, this is a surprise.” I smiled and embraced her. “You should really call before you come around though, you’re lucky I wasn’t out.”

 

    “Or dead,” she added.

 

    “Excuse me? Why would you even…”I didn’t even have to finish before it dawned on me, “Sarah.” I was shaking my head now in disbelief at the audacity of my so-called best friend. To go behind my back and call my mother, it was so beyond the line. “I don’t even - you don’t even -“

 

    “Honey, you can talk to me about this,” she said.

   

    “There’s nothing to talk about?

 

    “You don’t have to be afraid, sweetheart. Your father and I will keep you safe, there’s no need for you to be frightened we’re both here for you. If anyone can understand what you’re going through, it’s me.”

 

“Why? Because you’ve been there, you know what it feels like? Just because you hear some pathetic rumour, and you jump to ridiculous conclusions with the rest of them, don’t assume that I’m like you. I’m not and I never will be. In fact, you’re the one person I never want to resemble. You’re pathetic and youre weak. If I ever actually found myself in that position, you’d be the last person I’d want to talk to. What advise could you possibly give me, how to stay with a man that hits you, how to pretend everything’s OK when it really isn’t?

 

She tried telling me how great my father was; how it wasn’t his fault that he lost his temper sometimes. The drivel just wouldn’t stop; I love him, I need him, I can’t live without him, blah, blah, blah. Don’t get me wrong, I know that he’s a great Dad, but as a husband he doesn’t score so well. What I realised now was the fact that this was the first time Mum had openly admitted to being hit by him, ‘sometimes he loses his temper’ she’d said ‘I forgive him because I love him.’

 

It was sad seeing that look of desperation in her eyes when she spoke about him, I couldn’t help but pity her. I wasn’t entirely sure what could possibly happen to make a woman become so weak, or if she’d simply been born this way. Either way, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like who she was, how much she forgave, or how she never felt the need to run away and never look back.

 

    I don’t want that for you,” she said, “you’re still so young, you have so much time to fall for someone who won’t ever hurt you, someone who appreciates you. I don’t want you to end up like me either, it’s the last thing I’d ever want for either one of you girls.

 

It was the one and only thing we had ever agreed on, our desire for me to never be like her.

 

    “I appreciate that, Mum, and thank you for finally being honest with me about Dad. But I’m telling you, I’m fine. Ben and I are fine. You have no reason to worry about me at all.”

 

Being raised in the Appleton household taught me a couple of things. Firstly, appearances really were everything, especially when your parents are constantly trying to climb the social ladder. Secondly, trust can neither be bought nor earned; it is an element of life that simply does not exist.

 

Luckily for me, I had always rebelled against that particular aspect of Appleton life. I preferred to trust easily and thoroughly. My parents, on the other hand, couldn’t even trust each other.

 

    “Where is he now?” she asked.

 

    “I’m not sure,” I told her truthfully, “I don’t feel the need to know exactly where he is every second of the day and Ben doesn’t always need to know where I am either. We have a lot of trust in our relationship, you should try adopting a little of that yourself sometime.”

 

    “Trust isn’t the issue here…”

 

    “No? Then why can’t you trust me for once? I’m telling you the truth but you don’t want to hear it do you?”

 

What hurt the most was the fact that I really was telling the truth. I was screaming it so loud, hoping that people would eventually listen. Instead, they just shunned my words, unable to believe that what I told them was real. They were all so convinced that I was lying to cover up for Ben. I dreaded to think about how much this was hurting him. I know that they all think that they’re protecting me but if they’d only listen to me then they’d know I don’t need their protection.

   

    “You’re obviously in denial,” she said, “I know what that’s like. Soph, the first step to recovery is admitting that there’s a problem.”

 

    “I’m not an alcoholic or a drug addict, Mum.”

 

    “The same rules still apply, she said.

 

    “Maybe that’s true for people suffering abuse but not for me. It doesn’t apply to me.”

 

    “I can’t take this.” She said. That makes two of us, I thought as I followed her into my bedroom.

 

    “What are you looking for?” She pulled my suitcase down from the top of my wardrobe and began frantically packing my things into it. “Stop it. Mum, let go of my things. What are you doing? Would you please stop? This is insane.” I was fighting with her, snatching away my clothes as she pulled them out of my drawers and wardrobe.

 

When she suddenly stopped I couldn’t help but do the same. I stood there awkwardly, not wanting to be the first to speak. We were both breathing heavily, it was the only sound that broke the silence, and yet it only added to the tension.

 

    “You’re not staying here,” she said quietly, “I won’t let you. You can fight me all you want, but I am not leaving here without you.”

 

    “Let me? Let me? You have no say in what I can and can’t do. You lost that privilege a long time ago. I won’t let you dictate my life to me anymore. If you really think that it’s okay to come into my flat, into my life, and preach to me about the way I’m living, try and tell me what to do, you’ve got another thing coming. You have no fucking right.

 

Hey. Hey.” She shouted. “That’s enough. I have had enough of the filth and the lies that come out of your mouth and I won’t listen to it anymore. As your mother I have every right -

 

I couldn’t muster the right words to stop her. All the anger I had been controlling for so many years took control over me. I didn’t even realize what was happening until I saw my saliva running down her cheek and into the corner of her mouth. 

 

Get out of my flat, get out of my life.” My words were calm but spoken with such venom that I didn’t recognize the woman who spoke them. “I don’t ever want to see you again.

 

“I don’t even know who you are. I was wrong; you’re not my daughter. You’re just some low-bit slapper who is one mistake away from prostitution.

 

The only mistake I made was letting you in. And just so you know, the feeling is mutual, I’m not your daughter, I’m not anybody’s.”

 

I cried in anger, spitting out my spiteful words hoping that they would hurt her. I had so much frustration pent up, a thick black residue left from my teenage years when she controlled every little thing I did. Now that I was finally letting it out it was such a release.

 

    “You may have sunk to his level,” she said, “but I will not let you drag me down there too. You can kick and scream and even spit at me all you want, but I am more determined than ever to stick by my words and I am not leaving here today without you. Not while there’s a heart beating beneath my chest.”

 

As she started packing my things once again, I fought with her. I pushed and I pulled, I yelled and I screamed in her face. I made such a raucous that I didn’t even notice Ben until he was restraining me and pulling me back into the hallway.

 

    “Let go of me, Ben. Let go of me.” I said.

 

My mother had followed us out. She reached forward and grabbed hold of Ben’s shoulder. Startled by her touch he quickly swung around. He hadn’t meant for it to happen, I knew that for sure. But as my Mother sat on the floor, her hand clutching her neck where Ben had accidentally struck her, I could see the accusation in her eyes; for her, this was no accident.

 

    “Oh, god, I’m so - “ he tried.

 

    “Don’t,” I said. “Don’t apologise, she brought it on herself. I really think that it’s time for you to leave now.” Ben offered his hand to help her stand and as he did I pushed it aside. “She’s perfectly capable of seeing to herself.”

 

    “I’m not leaving here without you,” she said as she stood.

 

    “Yes, you are leaving without me, and you’re never coming back. If it comes to it, I’ll have Ben escort you out - hell - I don’t care if he has to throw you out by your hair; either way, you’re leaving. And just so you know - just to make it clear how I feel - I think of myself as having no mother, you’re dead to me.

 

It was a complete overreaction to the situation. I knew my Mum hadn’t done anything bad enough to equate to losing me all together. But in the moment I felt it all with such conviction that I even convinced myself that it was true. Once I had said it, I had stand by it and the more I did that, the more I believed what I had done was right. She had spent too many years controlling me and for the first time I actually felt like I had my own free life and she was trying to take control of that too. If I let her in now, even just a little bit, I’d lose everything I worked so hard for.

 

My mother was not a defeatist. So when her eyes blanked and she left without a word, without even a tut or a huff, I knew I had finally won. For the first time, in my entire life, I had actually managed to overcome my mother. I should have felt triumphant, elated and maybe even a tad ecstatic. But no feeling could overcome the instant sense of loss I felt, and without thought I went into immediate mourning, my chest suddenly carried the weight of a thousand boulders and it hurt like hell.

 

 

 

Chapters

7

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silvachilla wrote 301 days ago

Hi Amie

Love your pitch, but the cover not so much. It doesn't really say anything about the story, so I don't think I'd have read it based on the cover alone. Having said that, this is clearly a case of making the wrong judgement based on a cover.

Really good prologue. There is some slight repetition of words in it, but otherwise I like it. It sets the story up well and I’m intrigued to find out more about this as the book I’m currently writing goes along similar lines to this.

You have some filter words sprinkled throughout this which could be eliminated to make the reader feel closer to the story. For example, in chapter 2 ‘I could hear the cars driving by on the motorway’ – if you took out the ‘could’ and just said ‘I heard’, that makes me feel like I’m there in the moment as opposed to listening to someone telling me what’s going on. Otherwise, I really liked the chapter. The chance meeting, knight in shining armour thing could have been exceptionally cheesy, but I like that we didn’t get to know his name. So far I’m liking this a lot. Your writing is good.

In chapter 3, the POV seems to shift from first to third person,. Generally, although I’m getting into the story, I’m finding some of it quite clumpy to read e.g. I had, did not – instead of I’d or I didn’t. IT’s a matter of personal preference I think, but for me it felt clunky. I think some sentences could be slicker and you have some typos (e.g. then/than) but this is something that can be picked up with a thorough edit. Really liked this chapter. It’s so familiar for me being set in London and Sophie’s verbal vomit made me laugh. Also liked that they met on the tube – same as my two! Loving the intro to Ben – he’s exactly as you describe, charming, and sweeps her off his feet. I’m thinking that he’s about to turn sour and I can’t wait to see how you handle this.

Chapter 4, I’d really have liked to see more detail in places. It felt a little sketched over in the restaurant and where Sophie talked about what the waiter was holding, I wanted to know more about Ben instead. What did she notice about him? For me, I’d have liked more description around everything – Covent Garden was sort of busy – felt a bit light to me. The pace of the story is very quick and I noticed it’s complete but only at 60k words. I’m really enjoying the story but it’s more of a novella with this word count and I’d love to have more detail, which would in turn push the word count up and turn this into a fully fledged novel. Also, the bit where he punched the wall? This man is clearly a psycho! Which I knew would happen, but Sophie’s reaction seemed a bit...unrealistic for me. If it were me I’d be thinking, what a complete bell end and I’d tell him to leave. After all she doesn’t know the guy from Adam really, so I’d have liked to have seen a stronger reaction there.

Chapter 5, he’s really showing his colours. The broken mug, again I’d like to have a stronger reaction. I’m not sure if domestic violence is something you know about on a personal level, or have researched? I know what it’s like and the first few instances are usually always fought back, followed by repentance until the abusee just starts to get used to it. I have a lot of research info I found from my research for the book I’m currently working on which was really useful – a lot of testimonials I found from the web. I can forward them to you if you like, or you can have a look online. At the moment I’m not really feeling much sympathy for Sophie because I can’t help but feel that she should be fighting back. Him mending the mug was a nice touch though but again this feels really rushed and I wanted it to slow down a bit so I could really feel what was happening. Also, I’d like to have description about the characters. At the moment I only really know what Ben looks like, what about Sophie and her friends?

Chapter 6, wow. This is really scary lol. It’s so much like my storyline it’s nuts. I’m really enjoying this read. The parallel with the mum is really interesting because again, I have this in mine. It’s a nice touch, especially when Sophie thinks she’s so different to her mum and the situation they’re both in. When Sophie says she doesn’t understand what could make a woman so weak, I wanted to shout ‘but so are you!!’. Knowing that she looks at her mum this way, I really, really want her to fight back a little bit with Ben.

The introduction of Jess- how old is she? Actually, how old is Sophie? I liked the intro of Michael – he seems oddly familiar. Nice way to bring him back.

Chapter 11 – again, more detail please! He headbutts Jamie in the station – surely that would get a massive reaction from people straight away? Likewise when he leaves her on the street?

Chapter 12 – I wanted to know more about Michael. She’s had dinner with him, what were her feelings at the time? Where did they go? What was he like? Was she thinking about Ben? Etc etc etc.

Erm, I’m confused on the chapters now, but I’d really like some more dialogue - the old show not tell. When Ben tells her about cheating, I want to hear him say it. Then I want to know what she says back and how it makes her feel. I really want to feel like I’m in the story as opposed to listening to it.

I really liked the way you relayed the coffee incident – it had a huge impact in delivering the story in this way.

Chapter 15 – I was confused in the leap from Sophie getting the call and then being on scene? And who is Rachel?

In Chapter 18 – I think you reference Jamie as Alex somewhere, which confused me a bit. I’m also a bit confused as the chapter starts with Sophie in the hospital but then it doesn’t go back? What happened?

Chapter 23 – oh my actual goodness. That is awful! I think it’s even worse than him hitting her! Poor girl!

Chapter 24 – her hair is in a ponytail – I thought it had been cut off?

I haven’t so far had the impression that Sophie and Ben had been together for years. Maybe because of the quick pace of the book but it feels like they’re still within a year or two of being together?

The description of Michael’s books – I’m not sure why you didn’t just say Lord of The Rings? Surely she must have heard of it? Also, not sure why it’s underlined?

Chapter 29 when she’s talking about what her dad does when he’s alone in the house – she wouldn’t know this would she? You have a few POV slips throughout, this one is an example – as it’s first person, she wouldn’t know unless she had been told. Again, she wouldn’t have known about Michael going into his office since it’s first person, not third. The conversation between her parent’s felt a bit staged, like you were purposely putting it there to fill in the gaps and tell us how rosy everything had been lately, as opposed to weaving it into the story.

So I read everything posted and I really, really liked the story. I would say that it’s in need of a really thorough edit to get rid of typos, formatting issues and to make it more slicker in general, and like I said earlier, it felt a bit too quick and rushed in places. If you’re still working on this, I’d love to see any future edits you make.

I’m so sorry it took so long to come back to you!

Silva
x

Gefordson wrote 550 days ago

Amie,
Great, tough start to your novel - although, as it's a Prologue, why not set it in the present and let the reader really live the experience?. At the moment we know that Sophie survives the attack. If it's more immediate we'd be wondering if she's going to come through the horror.
Reading on this is well written and engaging.
Like others I've given you top stars and will get round to backing 'Sugar-Coated' when I've fulfilled my other shelf space obligations!

Good luck.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

KirkH wrote 599 days ago

I can't outtop the comments from kiwigirl. What an opening! I hope their is a happy ending in all this.
Great start and backed.
Kirk

NA Randall wrote 612 days ago

Amie,

I can only agree with the comment directly below - that's an amazing, harrowing way to start a novel - one of the strongest I've come across on this site, and is sure to grab the attention of any prospective agent or publisher. The short, sharp sentences are really effective, dragging the reader into the story, and you can't help but feel deep sympathy and compassion for Sophie, and want to know what's going to happen to her next - or what pushed her into trying to take her own life. Whichever it is, starting at the end and working back is a surefire hook.

Chapter 1 proper - a dream sequence? Is the caring compassionate stranger - the ideal - set up against the emerging figure of Ben in the next chapters? If so, cleverly done. (one minor point - 'strangers voice should be stranger's voice) .

I like your short pitch, but I think you might want to add a little bit to the longer pitch about 'Ben's news' - maybe Ben's violent actions - (without giving too much away) of course.

That said, a really powerful opening, wonderfully well-written.

Happy to give you my backing

Neil 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'



kiwigirl2011 wrote 621 days ago

Wow. What an opening! It’s very raw and I imagine to some, painful to read.
A couple of little things I noticed:
It was a relief when the doors opened and the scarf became looser around her neck – should be ‘my’ neck.
‘Favourite flowers are pink lilies – specifically the pink ones’ did you mean to say pink twice? Wasn’t sure if it was a slip or a joke sorry
‘I spent the entire preoccupied by him’ – word missing (evening or night, something like that)
‘My heart melted and twisted, melted and twisted torn between’ – unnecessary word repetition

Apart from that very well written.
Chapter one – she’s on the bridge and meets the strange guy. Who is he? Chapter three and four she meets Ben. I’m just a little confused as to how that first chapter fits in but I’m sure it will become more clear as I read on.
He shows his true colours pretty quickly (punching the wall in her office after she says “But” when thanking him for the flowers.) Surely this would be more of a red flag to her, to any girl in real life. I just think it might be a little early to show that side if we’re to believe she gets into a relationship with him after that. Really lull her in with the romantic stuff first.
You have the bones of a fantastic story here, it just needs a little fleshing out and editing. Good on you for writing about two such taboo subjects (suicide and abuse).
Have given you five stars for now Amie and kept you on my WL to read more when I have the time :-)
Tammy

Jacoba wrote 636 days ago

Hi Amie,
This is a heart wrenching story. I like the way you build it up from the first chapter, while giving us the prologue to know how it could all possibly end. The writing flows effortlessly, it makes for an immersing read. I'm not one for reading about domestic violence, so I'm stopping at chapter five. You have certainly got your point across to me though about how easily women can get trapped in these relationships. Nothing is ever easy, and those that think getting out of these relationships is as easy as walking out the door are wrong. I'm certain this will do well on here. Best wishes to you in your road to publication. I'm starring this, and if you ever get near the desk and want a boost, just let me know and I'll give you some shelf time,
Cheers Jacoba

zack wall wrote 636 days ago

Amie,

You have a wonderfully written book! The storyline is interesting, the writing style is creative, and overall it is enough to pique anyone's attention. I believe you will make it to the editor's desk for sure, probably soon! Best wishes on your literary journey!

Zachary Wall-
Dreamer

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