Tattooed Angels **Currently rewriting first 6 Chapters**

***CURRENTLY REWRITING FIRST SIX CHAPTERS ~ WILL UPDATE WHEN FINISHED***

As you are editing the first 6 chapters, I decided to skip straight to chapter 7. I enjoyed the read, and the only thing that stood out is "he crossed his arms zoning out." This makes it sound like his arms are zoning out. Could you rephrase this...?
A very intriguing read. I wish you luck :)
If you could spare a minute to look at A Shifter's Tale for me, give me some feedback, I would really appreciate it :)

Blaze
"A Shifter's Tale"

***CURRENTLY REWRITING FIRST SIX CHAPTERS ~ WILL UPDATE WHEN FINISHED***

Valerie,
Your book about a normal high school kid with an alter ego, a god-like warrior seeking revenge on a father who'd abandoned him as a baby. .Hotan is a troubled youth torn between a recurring dream and reality, and his only recourse is to strike back at those who would torment him, be it a member of his rock band or a demon from the nether regions. Your narrative is dramatic and compelling, your dialogue informatiuve iun terms of the backstory conveyed. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Valerie,
I owe you a read so here I am. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
PITCHES
Short pitch
“Ancient Race” should not be capitalized as it isn’t a proper noun. Same with “Elemental”
Become one what? An ancient race? That is how it reads.
I would drop the ellipse. It isn’t effectively used there and serves only as a distraction.
Long pitch
You have “Hotan” twice in the same sentence where a pronoun would be more effective the second time around.
A small suggestion, there is likely a more impactful verb that can replace “has the task of,” or why not just say “rediscovers?”
From the pitch, I can see the strong premise, but the sequence of logic is a bit clunky and could use some tightening. For instance, I’m not seeing how his former self has set the path of destruction in motion. Do you mean his self from the past life? Also, I’d recommend whittling the pitches down to simply focus on the hooks of the story. Remember, your goal in the pitch is to lure the reader into opening the book, not overfill with backstory and details. Save that for the novel itself.
Chapter 1
“no walls could be seen beyond the white horizon” I’m having trouble with this imagery. Can one typically see beyond the horizon? It is, after all, the line that divides the sky and earth.
“large black blurry figure” separate sequences of adjectives with commas. Frankly, I think this may be one too many and is seeping into the realm of telling. Might consider eliminating blurry.
“within his vibrating blackness” doesn’t make sense.
You use “voice” multiple times in close proximity. Try rephrasing for readability.
“…questions trying to decipher…” I’d change to “…questions, while trying to…” for clarity.
I’d restructure the sentence, “From the man…” It’s a bit clunky. For one, you’re saying that the sword appeared from the man. That can mean many things, but the first thing the brain goes to is that the sword actually was formed by the man’s skin. I don’t think this is what you mean to say, or if it is, more emphasis ought to be placed on the description of it.
“way-of-living” does not need to be hyphenated.
“Tripping and falling…” Drop “and falling” as it’s made clear by the next part of that sentence.
I’m not sure “releasing a blood-curdling scream from his lips” works well, as it could read that the sword is actually what is producing the scream. It sort of works, but I think there might be a better word choice there, such as instigating or causing. Just something to consider.
“…during my class” replace the period with a comma and lowercase “She.”
Is “Feh” a sigh? This is confusing.
I’d delete “Shrugging” or “Okay.” I don’t think both are necessary.
“High School” should be lowercased as it is not used as a proper noun.
“disappeared from sight” is redundant. Just have to say “disappeared”
“Class dismissed, have a good evening everyone” is two sentences.
I don’t think chirped is the best word choice here. I have a hard time hearing her squeaking.
Be careful of sudden tense changes. “teacher chirped” is past tense. “students grab” is present. Be consistent.
“brick high school, West Johnson High” I would drop “brick high school”
Your descriptions, while very good at times, get a bit overly cookie-cutter to be honest. You like to start with a subordinate clause, such as “Head hanging low,…” “Shrugging…” “Smirking to himself…” etc. While this is not wrong and not inappropriate, you might consider varying up your sentence structure to break up the pattern a bit. Otherwise, it starts feeling a little choppy.
Is his gray hair covering his entire face? If not, how is it hiding his expression?
“locker-embellished hallways” I don’t think “embellished” is really the word you’re looking for here.
“Hisota, a so-called friend; he had recently been butting heads with on everything.” Semicolons are typically reserved for breaking up independent clauses. Both parts of this are a fragment, which is OK, but it makes the semicolon distracting and unnecessary. Might need some revision.
When you have a quote and follow it with a form of he said/she said, end the quote with a comma (or whatever punctuation is appropriate) and lowercase the pronoun. In this case “…and here I thought you were dead,” he hissed. However, if the next sentence is not connected, then you start a new sentence, such as “”Hey there.” A deep voice rung in his ears…
Eyes do not chime
“Angry, Hotan shoved passed him.” Here’s another example of too much telling. Saying “shoved passed him” shows us that he’s angry. Saying angry isn’t necessary.
“Tsch” I don’t know what this means. Is that the sound of him hitting the locker? It should not be in quotes, and I’m not sure it adds anything.
You have “away” multiple times in close proximity, and also “place.”
“threw off a few large pieces of plywood off the wall” you don’t need both of those “offs”
Had to stop with the line-by-line reviews at this point, as I’m running out of time and want to make it through the chapter. However, I’m seeing the same trends throughout. On the plus, the story is intriguing. I’m interested in the dream sequence and who this dark figure is. The dialogue is good, too, and you’ve done a decent job of capturing the high school voice in parts.
On the weaker side, you run a bit heavy on adjectives and in telling vs. showing. The imagery gets a bit formulaic. Very fixable. Polishing with a focus on that would really help the characters and story pop, I think.
Again, these are all opinions. Hopefully you find some helpful. A good start. Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

***Updated Chapter One!***
03/17/2012
It is a complete overhaul. Hope I have smoothed this out! Please let me know how this First Chapter reads now!

I read chapter 1.

Phrases I loved:
- “…as if naming the kill in advance.”
- “Making his way through the mayhem like a phantom in a crowded cemetery…”
- “…scattering odd shades of gray among the dust-covered ruins.” I instantly knew this was showing his color-blindness. Excellent way to present it.
- “…the man halved an angel statue as he passed.” Great image.
- “ ‘…oh faithful vulture? You have no pickings here.’ “ What an amazing line!

PACING:
Overall, there are some extraneous phrases which can be cut to speed up the pace. There are descriptors and qualifiers that slow the text down. Examples: Telling about every step, turn of the head, opening door. The overuse of adverbs. By boiling it down to the critical actions, the pace can be streamlined, tightened

A good editorial challenge is to take a passage, save it as a new document, then try to cut the word count down by 25%. This forces a writer to whittle the narrative to the essentials, excising the unnecessary phrases & descriptions, while keeping the voice intact. Let that file rest for a few days, then go back and evaluate which version is better. I use this process and am amazed at how much better the second version is. It might be worth a try…

VOICE:
Your unique voice can be heard behind the static of the description. Cleaning away some of the underbrush will help it shine through even brighter. It deserves to come to the forefront.

Valerie~
I see the genesis of a good story here. I know you have been writing & editing away. Good job! Keep it up!

The true action/tension begins in the cathedral. It sets up the main conflict and stakes for the MC, and provides the reader with the hook of what the storyline is going to be about. Have you considered kicking off the novel with this scene? I would also suggest providing more of a hook at the end of Chapter 1. The current ending kind of fades away.

[I’ll message you with some further content feedback.]

Keeping honing this thing! You have a great tale to tell.

~Master Bowman }}}----->
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

Second Round of Editing has begun: So far up to Chapter Four has been tweaked and uploaded ^_^

I have made it to chapter 4 so far. I really like it you do a good job with the dialog and keeping the action interesting enough to keep the reader engaged. I caugh a couple of things

* When you address someone directly in dialog you should put a comma right after their name. For example: "Hey Jones, get me a cup of coffee." There are several instances where you missed this.

* Hisota dosen't seem like much of a friend like Hotan referred to him as. Hisota almost sounds like a sexual harrasser.

* "The motorcycle was no permitted to be a his ride home ..." - is kind of awkwardly worded

* References to Kurt Cobain and TOOL kind of date the story. The younger generation probably wouldn't get these references or would think they are oldies or somthing. Dang kids!! :-)

* It isn't clear to me what is going on with the MC parents. It is clear he is in High School and lives by himself, but why? This is unusual and merits a little explanation.

* Hard for me to get a fix on what the characters look like

* 1/2 way through 2nd Chapter "Was worried about you...." should there be an 'I' before was?
* Chapter 3 "Rushing into a stall ... he turned to lung himself " should lung be lunge?

Overall I think it is good. I am starring and keeping on my WL for awhile to read.

Finished my editing. Hope the improvements show progress and improvements!

Chapter Nine Revision done. Had a weird jumble I missed where I merged 2 version of the Chapter. It now reads smooth and flows correctly ^_~

Chapter Eight has been revised. Wasn't no where as bad. I am finally getting into the more recently written portion and it shows. I am still scratching my head on how I am adding more than what I have deleted, but I haven't gotten any complaints on the newly written/revised chapters yet ^,^b

Chapter Seven has been edited. This Chapter has one of my all time favorite scenes in it. It's a wonderful dinner table conversation that I added a twist to with a dual conversation going. Sounds weird in concept but you'll have to read it to uinderstand what's going on.

Another concern I have is that this Chapter may be too big and need to be reallocated or broken into two chapters. Please let me know! Feedback is welcome!

Chapter Six has been edited. Hope it's clearer to understand! Also converted a lot of the sections to focus more on what Hotan is feeling and thinking. Cleared up a lot of lengthy sentences and 'ly overloads. Let me know how it reads now!

Chapter Five has been edited! Smoothed out conversations, added more Hotan thoughts, and more importantly cleaned up and added to the Book of Ancients excerpt here. Please let me know if you see anything of concern ^_~!

Chapter Four has been revised and edited. It was a complete mess, So sorry for those who endured the old version. This is a huge improvement.

I've just finished the first chapter. Well done, a unique story that has me intrigued and wanting to find out more. I feel like I'm left hanging on chapter one and want to keep reading. Something I will do when I have more time. I agree with a previous comment that at times it seems like your making the sentences do "too Much" I think shortening them will make it an easier read.

Seth

Chapter 2 has been uploaded and revised. I have added a lot more to this Chapter. Including a better insight on who or what he is. Hope this helps my readers to know just enough to want to learn more about it. ^_^ Let me know!

Just uploaded the revised Chapter One.

I corrected my a bet, "...", and Shel, Shell, & Shellie issues through the whole story. What a mess, so sorry about that.

As for Chapter One, I added a bet more, described characters a little more, and deleted and smoothed out some choppy/lengthy sentences.

Hi Valerie,

Read two chapters and found it an interesting story. I liked the past merging into the present scenario. You worked it well. The pace moved smoothly throughout and there was a lot of dialogue. I sometimes felt there was a little too much dialogue and too little description or narrative. It was more like reading a picture story or comic without the pictures and it was at times hard to figure out where you were going with it. While you did try to add description and paint a picture of the scenes I felt it wasn't enough. The imagery was good and the characters interesting.

The normal scene where Hoton goes to school is done well, but he seems to be living alone. Is he in college? does he not have parents, a family? This is not clear. When you move to the paranormal, as it were, its also good. i specially liked the start where the unknown comes into play. The reader is immediately drawn to the story and you are able to keep it going for some time.

Shirani
Chocolate Cake Dreams

There were

Hi Valerie,

Comments from fellow comic-freak and graphic art fanatic: Sakugen is a well-written piece. I've finished two chapters. Reads like a superhero origin story. Good stuff. Rated it 5.

Why don't you send me a few samples of your artwork ? Will send you some of mine too. My ID is abhishekghoshchaudhuri@gmail.com. Careful with the spelling.

Meanwhile, you can check out Shining Dawn. Got a feeling you may like it.

Regards,
AGC.

Hello Valerie,

I've read the first chapter so far, and I like it. You put an interesting twist on the immortal aspect with the awakening, and the spell Hotan is under. With this in mind, I do have a few suggestions to chew over, if you wish :}.

My first suggestion for this chapter would be share more detail about Hotan's relationship his friends. It was almost as if the pace was a tad too fast? It's food for thought as they say :}.

My second one would be to tell us more about Hotan. To me at least, I thought if we knew more about this hero one might have more sympathy for him when he is about to die.

Lastly, maybe it's just me, but I think the power that Hotan felt building up came too quickly. But overall, I love this concept..

Six Stars :}

Swisscheese

Hello Valerie. I read the first Chapter of Sakugen, and enjoyed.

You have an interesting story here, it reminds me much of the kind of stories that are in anime.

Because it wouldn't be a fair critique without criticism...

The prose is a bit stilted; it doesn't read smoothly. The sentence structures are a bit jarring, and some of the visuals/metaphors are too esoteric for a reader. Remember that someone reading narrative doesn't want to stop to grasp meanings as they go along.

Here are some examples of things that hung me up while I was trying to read the dream sequence:

--The first sentence is hard to grasp. One cannot see walls beyond the horizon whether they are there or not. I'm transported to a vast place, which is good, but I don't have a visual of it. Is it outdoors? Is there light? What's the ground look like?

--Might be good to let the reader in on how far away the blackened figure is. At first it's in the distance, and the next time you place it, it's holding its sword over Hotan.

--'blood-curling'...the traditional term is 'blood-curdling'. Not sure if this was intentional.

--The last sentence in the dream sequence is a bit confusing. 'The black shadow laughed hysterically as he watched...' When you say 'he', you're referring to Hotan, but the sentence makes it sound like you're referring to the black shadow.

I think there's a lot of potential here. The work's strength is in the imaginativeness of the story and plot, and with a strong sense of the mechanics of writing effectively, it could be great. For this, I would recommend reading and reading and reading, all different styles, and trying to write in different styles too. Strengthening a variety of writing muscles can only improve your work on each subsequent piece you take on.

I'm adding Sakugen to my watchlist, good luck with it. If you get a chance to check out my book and leave comments, I'd appreciate it much.

-Throck

Valerie:

Finished your first two chapters, and they were really fun to read. I like fantastic stories, with esoteric powers and characters that have names we never heard of. You do have a lot of creativity, and you craft the story very well at the beginning. Every time I feel like you have left me hanging, you provide a nice change of pace. That was something of a surprise, and I think it's a great quality of your writing. Continue to surprise your reader, and you will make great stories.

This story is very good. My interest was waning when the brother showed up and started to explain things. I like the way the suspense builds up until then, and I really like the way you continue the suspense after providing some answers.

I found another virtue in your writing. I think the way you detail things is very good. It keeps the reader grounded, and gives us a lot of mental images as we read. I really like the parts that are "real-world," and I think the details there kept me reading in the first chapter.

I also think your ability to invent interesting characters is a big plus for you in this piece. The emotions that well up in Hotan make for great tension, and you manipulate the reader's emotions well. It's great to create that tension, and I envy you the ability to do that.

Those are the most important thoughts I take away fromt he first few chapters. It was a good read, and I thought Chapter 2 really picked up. My favorite part of Chapter 1 was the scene at the bar with the music.

I work with a lot of my students who write this kind of story, and I am always pleased at how well the story type provides action, romance, and interesting characters. I have a hard time with anime type stories, but your's is much easier to read because you have a modern-day setting to ground the reader. One of my biggest pet-pevees with the genre is the trash talking. It's not a criticism of you, just the genre. I don't see any reason why they have to sit there and argue--swing a sword already.

I also see in that kind of conversation an avodiance of the roots of conflict. You do a good job of having the brother explain the conflict, and of showing the motives of the antagonist. Envy, which one wears as a brand, is a great device. All the same, I really need to know more about the essential conflict and the historical background behind the conflict, as it relates to Hotan's race. There's too much about the conflict that remains in the dark for me to get involved in the plot. The general story line is that we have a character who wants something (a goal), and we are reading to find out if he or she obtains that goal. The obstacles in the way create conflict. I see obstacles and a goal, but I don't know the meaning of those things. I'm grounded well with the character's situation, with scenes from real life, relationships, and emotions that are very human. But I am not invested in his conflict because there's too much about the background of his "special race" that I have to take for granted. I think more will come in future chapters, but, for now, I thought you should know. You have so much that's good to work with here, that I'm wondering if you aren't passing up some of the plot elements that your reader needs.

That's one thing you might want to think about. As for the grammar and sentence structure, there are some things I might be able to help with. Most of my serious comments are more stylistic, not tied to rules. If I say something you don't think should be changed, then don't let it bother you. Or, you can ask someone else because I might be wrong. In general I have a few observations for you to consider. First, I suggest you ditch the capital letters. It seems too much, and not necessary. An editor may or may not see it as amateurish, but stylistically, there are better ways to create that emphasis. If it were me, I would just use italics. Also, examine your sentences and phrasing for brevity. Sometimes you seem to make a sentence do too much work. It might be better to just start a new sentence. The phrasing you do using "as" is particularily problematic, and when you rewrite you should consider reworking some of that.

One example of what I'm talking about is the sentence: "He rolled off his couch that he had crashed onto last night when he came in and walked over to the counter . . . " It seems like just saying "he rolled off his couch, walked over to the counter, and answered the phone" would work better. If you need to say anything about crashing and coming in, you could have done that earlier. Seems like too much work for one sentence. Sometimes, I think you could leave out things and it would read better.

If you want my notes on typos and that kind of thing ask. I'm concerned you may have already spotted many of the little things, and I don't want to seem too critical. I hope you understand, I love the story, and I'm only trying to let you know what might make it better for me.

Persistence, patience, and promotion--that's the key to having success as a writer. I heard that right from an editor's mouth. Keep moving forward with your ideas. Also, consider using that creative talent of yours to really break the mold and make an anime like no other--throw away all the rules and norms and put something in this story that's so outlandish and out of the box that everyone will turn their heads. I think you can do that. It's already heading toward being the best anime I've ever read.

Will read and write more later. Best of luck with your story.


Rich

Oooo. Nothin' like an old colonial church for a good ol' throwdown!

I can definitely see manga-esque and Final-Fantasy-ish elements in this, and those have huge markets so there's always potential. The chapter introduces plenty of places and faces and ensures they're all given just enough time in the spotlight to establish themselves as part of the protagonist's social circle.

One nitpick! If I may be so bold. An 'unsociable boy whose colourblind' should be 'an unsociable boy who's colourblind', e.g. "who's" as in the contracted form of 'who is' rather than 'whose' as in something like "Whose brown pants are these anyway?"

Keep at it! There's promise in your prose.

Valerie,

The only problem I saw is with all the names. None are common and therefore hard to keep track of who is doing what to whom. I have to keep referring back to the introduction of each charater.

Other than that, I would say it's a good story.

Don

Valerie,

This is not my genre, and I'm not a good critic, so take what /i say with a pinch of salt!
It is very comic book, but I guess that is your inspiration! Your story telling is good, but the best piece was the dream at the start, very vivid. It does not hurt to colour the mundane in the same way, as long as it is subtle.

I have a couple of points for you to check out yourself...
When Hotan shoves passed Hisota, your wrote "pass Hisota", does not feel right.

Also, don't be too literal. When he waved bye to Kojah, he had already said "Bye", so you kn0w that when he waved, he was waving bye. Thus, you only need to say "He waved and headed out the door".
It's only small stuff, but I keep finding similar things in my own work, and I tend only to see it when someone points it out to me.

Very best of luck, it should do well, and there is very little else like this that I have seen.

Regards
Warrick

Nice job! Only read the first couple of chapters... but intend to read on! Good luck with it... wouldn't be surprised to see it make it to the editors desk! I've placed it on my watch list, will rotate it up to my book shelf soon... Jacque

What is most interesting about this book is that although it is fantasy it is very earth related, regarding human emotions, rections and attitudes. The strong aspect of a very dominatnt key character holds the interest from the start. I haven't read it all yet but have actually skimmed through it as I do when I'm marking exams here in England. The gist, the facts and then the meat of it. A great writer in the making. well done! Please read my 'Shades of Greeen' and rate. Very different but I'd value comments.

Having read up on some writing tips, one thing I’ve always come across from the “professionals” is to keep the description after dialogue minimal if not absent I.E. He hissed, muttered, swooned, etc. because it interrupts the flow of dialogue and can take the reader out of the moment. Not to sound rude, but your first chapter has a lot of it, which I think can be toned down.

I can tell by your writing you are an anime fan. Your characters are strong and well rounded. I enjoyed the dialogue however the story itself took me a while to sink my teeth into.

Other than that, great job. I’m adding it to my watchlist. Keep up the good work and I wish you luck on getting to the editors desk.

Good pitch. Interesting story.
Technically well written, but one thing to watch out for is 'buried dialogue', ie, where you add prose to every line of dialogue. Sometimes it's nice for the reader to have a short run of dialogue without it being chopped up by all the body language and reminders of who's speaking. Also avoid having too much emotion in a scene, as it's unsustainable and exhausting for the reader who's empathising with your main character..
Good luck with it,
Naomi

Valerie, your pitches make it clear for me that I’m going to enjoy your book :)

The dream was unexpected (which is good) and scary – it’s really well done. I love the way you picture YA life – music, concerts – all believable and natural. The incident in the church is highly intriguing. Your manner of writing appeals to me greatly and I wish you the best of luck with your book. Starred with pleasure :)

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

I haven't really read anything like this before and to me, that's good. I'm not a big science fiction reader but your pitch drew me in, I had to check it out. Your beginning is great, it really sets the tone for the following chapters. The pacing feels good and I get a real sense of your imagination here. Nice job so far. I think it's got a ton of potential!

Starred for now and I'll back it sometime soon!
Missy

Completed!

Please don't throw rocks at me about the end LOL But then again I will see what you all think of it ^_~

Split up Chapter One - So if your Chapter you were reading isn't the same it's been shoved over one ^_~

Uploaded what I have of Chapter 15 while I was at it ^_^

That first paragraph you got was absolutely haunting. I LOVED it! It was so visual and creepy and intense. Now that is a way to start a story. I'm sorry but I give you 6 stars just for that. But don't get me wrong I liked the rest, too. Quick note though: split the chapter in two. It's a bit long and will turn away potential readers. And you don't want them to miss out on this. You have fascinating characters with Geliah, Hotan and Kujoh. Very unique names. Future shelf and I have added you to my own list of stories to comes back to.

Chapter 12 & 13 Completed and added. Climax of the story is official written and uploaded. Now to finish it off. Aiming to do it in about 2 Chapters.

Loaded what I have started on Chapter 12, and also reloaded Chapter 11 for some slight editing I did. ^_^

you write an enjoyable story, here; good effective narrative, readable and certainly worth a place on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

This is right up my alley. Love it. Plenty of dialogue and gets right into the story.

Susanne

CHAPTER ELEVEN UP!
Also cleared out 3 small parts to dissolve any possible copyright issues referencing songs.
Now working on Chapter Twelve ^_^

@Jesse My ^_^ it always makes you wonder how much of yourself you put into a story. Hopefully this explains much:
Yes, I was a American Comic book fan when I was younger, and in my later years I fell in love with the more dynamic stories of Anime and Manga. I am an artist mainly, so a lot of my story telling is visual based, but for some reason this story came out mainly in writing, so I have made it my goal to finish it.

As for some background, I am actually pulling my characters origin from the Bible (Numbers 1 thru 3). It takes up with the twelve tribes, and the Levites who were enslaved for serving in the tabernacle and was (fictionally) Hotan's people. Besides those who escaped ^_~

I thought it made for a good story ^_^. I also started this story in high school, so I am trying to keep the Young adult Pop culture feel mixed into it since that is how I started the story.

I am hoping I didn't make it too Feminine O_o Being a girl writing a story with a male main character is a bet tedious... a lot of "No Val that's too girly" moments and rewriting lol.

I try to mix up the Asian names a bet later in the story, I was heavy into Japanese culture when I started this. So trying to tone it down slightly but keep it in a more mixed quality.

And thank you for the comment!

This feels very young adult/pop culture. What mythology are you pulling from? Rebirth is generally feminine. Do you read a great deal of comic books? The use of "..." makes me wonder. The names make me think this is Asian. Star rating!

So far I like what I've read. It really sucks you in and I look forward to reading more.

I have reworked the opening in Chapter 1. I also fixed some POV errors in Chapter 9 and 10. I loaded what I do have of Chapter 11.

I am trucking through the story to get the story finished and then I can put my full focus on editing this story. So close to finishing this ^_^ Half way there Maybe less.

Your dialogue is very engaging and I really enjoyed it. I have looked over your first chapter and I like what I see. You have a great talent for story telling. I am putting you on my watch list and I'm excited to read more. Keep up the good work and best of luck to you with this!

Ashley Morison
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

Interesting start. This is not my normal genre to read. I enjoyed reading the dialog very much. I would have liked to see more details in the scene around the characters. I like the story so far and i think you have the makings of a great story. Wishing you all the luck in the world.
Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies

Wow your first chapter is long :D I haven't read its entirety, only the first few paragraphs. I will come back and read more later when I've got more time. I agree about the word 'monotonous'. It may sound better if you just scratch that word and leave as is. I think that would sound good. In the first paragraph, last sentence, I think, perhaps it would clarify to the reader a bit more if you used 'the figure', rather than, 'it'. That's all I have for the moment, except I do not agree with the other comment. Always remember it's your story. Take what you want of the comments you receive and discard the rest. Don't be discouraged, I like your story so far :) I look forward to reading more.

God Bless,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

@Sylvia - Yea, I don't care for my pitches... I am trying to decide how I want to go about it. I will continue to play with it and see if I cannot make it pop a bet more.

@Samuel - I never thought about how important it is to be cautious of words like that. I will look over that opening and see if I cannot replace or rework it. Time to hit my Thesaurus and do some digging.

"Oh dear not another one..."

Au contraire; I thought the premise fascinating. Don't be discouraged by that first comment; some people just plain don't like Fantasy and rubbish it at every opportunity. There are usually some great arguments in the forum on that very point.

I like your turn of phrase; some very nice imagery. I've only been able to skim read the first chapter (ust about to go out), but I'll be back for a longer read later today.

One thought though: you do not want the word "monotonous" in your first sentence (or indeed, "tedious" or "boring"). These words implant their concepts subconsciously, and you do not want these feelings associated o your story, especially in the opening paragraph.

Oh dear! Not another one. Valerie, this story, as you've described it in the blurb, is exactly like about half the stories on this site. You have to find that one thing that sets it apart, one thing that would make someone interested enough to take a look. Otherwise we are not going to bother. The opening has to be more striking too. The characters need to bounce off the page in the first sentence, or we'll just yawn and click on something else and we'll never find out how good you really are.