The White Light Dawn

This isn't the sort of thing I like, usually....comedy-fantasy....urgh. The cover didn't grab and neither did the pitch. But I persevered and read the first paragraph anyway and I was HOOKED. I love this! The first chapter reads like a dream and I just can't wait to read more. So far, this is the best piece of writing I've come across on Authonomy recently - really well-written. Someone who knows how to string a sentence together.
What are you doing on a writers' website?! You should be out there, published!
Time for Terry Pratchett to hang up his hat!
xxx
SJB

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN not only offers an entertaining escape, it also reveals universal truths-- wisdom we all need to hear. Its humor will make readers laugh, the characters will make them care, the story will keep them hooked, but the messages will leave them intrigued and pondering life long after they've finished the book.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN achieves what few books do-- it crosses over typical readership boundaries that normally narrow a book's audience. In other words, this clever book would appeal to a large audience. Throughout the entire time I was reading this book, I recognized it as one that could be successfully marketed to multiple age groups.

The author has created an original world that is larger than the sum of its parts, simply because the boundless messages resonate in remarkable ways. They are capable of evoking knowledge familiar to each human soul-- these most basic and honest aspects of life are to be cherished-- things such as having hope, following your dreams, the importance of perseverance, friendship, and believing in one's self.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN is an enlightening and hilarious adventure tale with well-crafted elements of unity and characterization that swell the book's momentum, encouraging an enjoyable narrative arc. It is a fast-paced read with smooth transitions and a flow most writers struggle to achieve.

In terms of writing, I like that THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN demonstrates a technique such as writing as an illusion...

Most people are familiar with a magician's illusion of linked rings. The rings seem solid, yet they're linked together, pulled apart, formed into a string which can morph into different shapes -- like pulling a stick through a mud puddle with oil glistening on the top-- or they can be stacked on top of one another--sum of the whole, yet still their own circles...it also echos of the Panopticon theory. A lot of factors fortify the circles found within THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN -- word choice, tense, imagery, starkness, and truth. This malleable method of writing allows the reader to mold and play with the story and its message. This allows an intimacy to flourish between the book and the reader.

At first, I assumed this was a simple and comedic tale. It is those things...but so much more. It didn't take long for me to realize this book had universal appeal--it could be marketed to different ages and reader groups. ...And usually tucked within these universally appealing books are Universal Truths.

"A truth is considered to be universal if it is valid in all times and places. In this case, it is seen as eternal or as absolute." - Wiki

Once, I also read someone define universal truth in one word-- love.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN is full of these universal truths and some of them are written in the most gorgeously understated way. The author uses delicate layers of themes to aerate the plot. It's lovely.

Ironically, before reading this book, I was listening to "The Fool On the Hill" by The Beatles.
This song describes Berk in THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN so well. Berk seems like a screw-up and a drunken louse that even gets lost in his own neighborhood.

...But he's not.

Berk is someone that would follow a moth around the world. Berk is the person who realizes that even though he's a dreamer, and he seems like the court jester, he's actually a phenomenally profound individual. Here is the chorus to "The Fool On the Hill":

"But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around
Well on his way his head in a cloud"

That's Berk! People think he's the one with his head in the clouds, but he's standing on the mountain looking down for a reason: That's the place where he can not only see everything, but he's closest to the sky there, so why wouldn't he stand on the hill? (Not to mention this is another Panopticon reference.) And you know what Berk thinks to himself-- as Berk is standing on the hill, overlooking his town, he looks at the sky and considers that if each star was a choice he could have made, he kept picking the same star. This is such a beautiful and poignant line.

The man who sees everything knows the truth.
The man with his head in the clouds learns what a dream is, and can follow it.

And another message was formed-- Berk had to have that dark place inside (his home) to return to sound the rest of the book off of. His point of origin is a planet shrouded in darkness. Who better to appreciate the beauty light encompasses than someone who's lived in the dark? For example, once, I asked a blind woman to describe the color blue to me. She said it was soft sometimes, but other times it felt like water under her fingertips. Most of all, she said she was told her mother's eyes were blue, so she knew the color looked like love.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN also shows how every piece of life is important and forms a puzzle that could not be understood or progressed without the smaller pieces. The way this book illustrates that sort of universality gives the reader the ability to make memories with its words.

When creative people put their work out into the universe, as the author has done with THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN, it changes the way people think and feel. The easiest example is the music of the 60's which helped to spur this global energy of love and acceptance. There are so many songs in the world that I've seen people write comments about that said something like, "I was going to kill myself, but I listened to this song over and over again and didn't. It saved my life." Books are like that too!

There is something lyrical about the truths found within THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN. It touches a universal chord that transcends all time.

Best of luck with your book.

I think the idea of this story and found the general tone quite entertaining and appealing, but it does need quite a bit of editorial work.

Some examples:

There is a lot of repetition. You often say the same thing twice in as many sentences (which is sort of what I have done there!) In the intro you say 'For some unknown reason at the end of every ninth year...' and in the next line you say 'No one knows why these gigantic suns were attracted there or for what reason.' That is pretty much the same statement told in two different ways. The same thing happens again in the next chapter, 'four unpleasant districts' is followed by 'four unappealing quarters'. It would be a good idea to go through the whole manuscript with a red pen and delete one option every time this occurs. Your book will be more streamlined and less baggy as a result.

Personally, the similes felt wrong. They jarred somewhat. I am not sure what a 'jagged tablecloth' is, and some of the others - oil on water, compass etc. - are somewhat cliched. Again, I would tone these down a bit and consider alternatives.

The core of what you have here is pretty good but I think it is somewhat over-written and this gets in the way of the story. Bring the story to the fore and worry about linguistic prowess later.

Best of luck.

I absolutely enjoyed it

I dip in from time to time. its a great story

congrats on attracting the attention of the publishers, maybe give my book, 'Lake Dreams' a look, eh? Ha ha. Thanks

Wow, litteraly I got to the secound paragraph and I was already enchanted. Just had me thinking that yes, the universe is so vast we cant even comprehend. Not to mention what other things live out there...I could only imagine some of the things that us as humans have thought up might actually exist.

All I go to say though is that your writing is great and I'll be reading more of this when I'm not working on my own book. You've got me intrigued and I actually sat there for five minutes thinking about it...and I haven't even gotten to the secound chapter.

This also makes me see how my writing is so much different than others. As mine is more poetic in a novel form(which I'm not so sure if that really works seeing now that others write so differently.) And how I'm new to this site, I just hope I get some good feedback because I REALLY need some crits on my work.

I had a problem getting started, (you could fix this easily, but when i got through that it became easier to rrea and I enjoyed it You have to [polish it up a little but otherwise this could be a good selling book. Good luck with it.

Lots of luck.

Panos

L.Bourgaize,

I just wanted to let you know that I began reading your book when you first arrived to the site and have continued it recently. You've done an excellent job here and I'll be interested to read your Harper Collins review! Have a fantastic day and thanks for uploading this for us to enjoy!

6 stars gladly given!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Extraordinary!

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

Happy to back this AWESOME PIECE OF WORK! Good Luck!
Sue50

I read a lot of this about six weeks ago but foolishly never commented - was waiting till I'd read it all. I love this world. Am backing it with lots of stars. Am going to come back and finish it soon and will comment properly then. Meanwhile - best of luck with the ED - Frances

hiiiiiii

Just started and I'm already hooked, I cannot put this down. Truly excellent writting - gets my backing.
I was anticipating a boring Friday night in but now I have a brilliant book to delve into, can't wait to get back. It's very rare for me to be so excited to read on, so well done and thanks for making my day :)

I love this concept that you've created!
The idea that someone - or something - is out there, watching the minutiae of human life is fascinating.
You also write with brilliant precision and imaginative attention to detail. And your short pitch - wow! Stunning in its simplicity, but it carries a strong message.
I can't wait to read on and meet more characters - most notably Keith!
Congratulations on making it to the ED - hope you get great feedback!
Best wishes,
Isabel.

Your writing style is definitely different. I was drawn in by the imagery. After reading through two chapters I am convinced there is a good story brewing here. I hope to be able to get more of this read before too long. Because of the intrigued included in this writing it has my backing. Best of luck. Remember December Gold in your reading.

Really like this!!!!
You have created a wonderful place with great characters. I particularly love the names of the characters and places - Berk, Grunts, Lofty, Todge, The Ruptured Kidney etc
It reminds me greatly of Terry Pratchett in style, though not a copy.
You have a wonderful imagination and write about it fluently as though it's all real.
A great read! Top stars too - obviously!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Splendid - a fantasy with a sense of humour. I don't know how I missed this earlier, and now it's at the ED.. I can only apologise humbly, give it a lot of stars, and say I will be back to read it all after lunch. I know I shall find myself in Welysium ere long. - Fan K

:O!

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN not only offers an entertaining escape, it also reveals universal truths-- wisdom we all need to hear. Its humor will make readers laugh, the characters will make them care, the story will keep them hooked, but the messages will leave them intrigued and pondering life long after they've finished the book.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN achieves what few books do-- it crosses over typical readership boundaries that normally narrow a book's audience. In other words, this clever book would appeal to a large audience. Throughout the entire time I was reading this book, I recognized it as one that could be successfully marketed to multiple age groups.

The author has created an original world that is larger than the sum of its parts, simply because the boundless messages resonate in remarkable ways. They are capable of evoking knowledge familiar to each human soul-- these most basic and honest aspects of life are to be cherished-- things such as having hope, following your dreams, the importance of perseverance, friendship, and believing in one's self.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN is an enlightening and hilarious adventure tale with well-crafted elements of unity and characterization that swell the book's momentum, encouraging an enjoyable narrative arc. It is a fast-paced read with smooth transitions and a flow most writers struggle to achieve.

In terms of writing, I like that THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN demonstrates a technique such as writing as an illusion...

Most people are familiar with a magician's illusion of linked rings. The rings seem solid, yet they're linked together, pulled apart, formed into a string which can morph into different shapes -- like pulling a stick through a mud puddle with oil glistening on the top-- or they can be stacked on top of one another--sum of the whole, yet still their own circles...it also echos of the Panopticon theory. A lot of factors fortify the circles found within THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN -- word choice, tense, imagery, starkness, and truth. This malleable method of writing allows the reader to mold and play with the story and its message. This allows an intimacy to flourish between the book and the reader.

At first, I assumed this was a simple and comedic tale. It is those things...but so much more. It didn't take long for me to realize this book had universal appeal--it could be marketed to different ages and reader groups. ...And usually tucked within these universally appealing books are Universal Truths.

"A truth is considered to be universal if it is valid in all times and places. In this case, it is seen as eternal or as absolute." - Wiki

Once, I also read someone define universal truth in one word-- love.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN is full of these universal truths and some of them are written in the most gorgeously understated way. The author uses delicate layers of themes to aerate the plot. It's lovely.

Ironically, before reading this book, I was listening to "The Fool On the Hill" by The Beatles.
This song describes Berk in THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN so well. Berk seems like a screw-up and a drunken louse that even gets lost in his own neighborhood.

...But he's not.

Berk is someone that would follow a moth around the world. Berk is the person who realizes that even though he's a dreamer, and he seems like the court jester, he's actually a phenomenally profound individual. Here is the chorus to "The Fool On the Hill":

"But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around
Well on his way his head in a cloud"

That's Berk! People think he's the one with his head in the clouds, but he's standing on the mountain looking down for a reason: That's the place where he can not only see everything, but he's closest to the sky there, so why wouldn't he stand on the hill? (Not to mention this is another Panopticon reference.) And you know what Berk thinks to himself-- as Berk is standing on the hill, overlooking his town, he looks at the sky and considers that if each star was a choice he could have made, he kept picking the same star. This is such a beautiful and poignant line.

The man who sees everything knows the truth.
The man with his head in the clouds learns what a dream is, and can follow it.

And another message was formed-- Berk had to have that dark place inside (his home) to return to sound the rest of the book off of. His point of origin is a planet shrouded in darkness. Who better to appreciate the beauty light encompasses than someone who's lived in the dark? For example, once, I asked a blind woman to describe the color blue to me. She said it was soft sometimes, but other times it felt like water under her fingertips. Most of all, she said she was told her mother's eyes were blue, so she knew the color looked like love.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN also shows how every piece of life is important and forms a puzzle that could not be understood or progressed without the smaller pieces. The way this book illustrates that sort of universality gives the reader the ability to make memories with its words.

When creative people put their work out into the universe, as the author has done with THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN, it changes the way people think and feel. The easiest example is the music of the 60's which helped to spur this global energy of love and acceptance. There are so many songs in the world that I've seen people write comments about that said something like, "I was going to kill myself, but I listened to this song over and over again and didn't. It saved my life." Books are like that too!

There is something lyrical about the truths found within THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN. It touches a universal chord that transcends all time.

Best of luck with your book.

Five-star rating. I hope you continue to do well.

I like your work. Keep it up.

Your story literary takes me to another universe. At the same time, I'm still in the usual pub/bar culture. It's very funny. I can picture it becoming a fine cartoon - Wallace and Gromit type.

I really like this and I am pleased that this has made the ED desk. Congratulations and keep up the good writing!

At to watchlist! Was abale to get a vivid picture from the first paragraph, can't wait to dive into this one!

This is a cleverly-written sci-fi-fantasy YA story. The into begins mysteriously, as if Carl Sagan was narrating the TV show "Cosmos" - suddenly we get to know the true narrator, Asumon, and we see a hint of humour, a-la Dougls Adams coming alive again. But it's definately not "Hitchhikers Guide" either. You got something very original, with characters just as unique as Larry Nieven's "Ringworld". Great job. Will try to back it soon.
All the best, Desk mate :-)
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Hi there,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
The short pitch is clever, but doesn’t really say anything about the book.
Is the city called “Liver-Nor nor?” Otherwise I think there’s one too many nors
The second paragraph’s first sentence is a fragment. I’d replace the comma with is.
I’d drop “of course”
Asumon’s Introduction
Add a comma after “In fact”
I love the way you describe the mesh of worlds.
Just a suggestion, but “mental insight” might read better as “a mental glimpse”
I don’t have a whole lot to say. There are some parts that get wordy, but that might be intentional, as the narrative voice is unique. I love how you describe existence and reading ahead further gave me a good indication of the strength of this novel. I will gladly support you in your quest for the desk (you’re so close). Gotta give a couple others a bit of time, but I’ll get you up there soon.
Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

No negatives, only a resounding congratlations on an excellent publishable novel.
The writing is detailed, the descriptive prose flows and the narrative progresses at a smooth pace.
This will stay at the top, because it's a rellay professonal bit of writing.
Backed with no reservations (apart from maybe where you start a sentence with 'As'!).

you are doing well here. and i have to agree with the comments below: great imagination, keep the reader involved, echoes "hitchhiker´s guide", and you have sewn this together well. good characters and ample names...keep sharing your God-given talent...
j
what every woman should know

This is amazing!

Great adventure story, interesting characters, great imagination. Five stars from me!

Di - My Beautiful Stalker

I've always admired writers who can create a universe out of whole cloth and endow it with entertaining characters and adventures. You are definitely such a writer, and your tale moves from chapter to chapter with a seamless flow.

My own novel, "The Doctor of Summitville," is also fictitious but grounded in fact--medicine as practiced back when doctors made house calls and had to depend on their knowledge, insight, and the contents of their black bag. To recreate such a time as background for an edgy love affair was my challenge. Any comments would be most welcome.

I want to read more of your amusing, way-out, unique novel and return with a more specific review and a place on my shelf. Best wishes, Bill

"The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" echoes in this work. Your imagination and view from Asumon is great and you could ramp up the humor a little more. Definitely entertaining and well thought out.

Could you in return read and review "The Devil Of Black Bayou". It's social exploration into the beauty, humor, and horror of humanity as witnessed by an immortal from New Orleans.

Thank you for making this book available to read here.

You have a good imagination - there is a nice world opening up here. I have two things to say - one: I feel that I am being told a story rather then showed it and, two, This could be so much better with more humour on it. Apart from that, a very good read and I wish you all the best with this title.


Yours,

MarkXX...

"things in life have to be confusing for you to eventually comprehend." Someone's read my novel! Seriously though Barry, this is great, I like the voice and good luck. It's terrific to see it doing so well.

A very interesting read which makes one involved in it unless one does not finish it completely. Starred to heights and on my watch list now.

A very interesting read that makes one involved in the situation. High Stars and backing for the book with on my watch list now. Hope to see it on ED's Desk very soon.

I only needed to read the first page to realize the potential of this work. The images painted in the first paragraph are prose of the highest order, poetry in fact. The "Grunts" what wonderful character names. I must tell you, this work is really great. Backed of course. Chuck

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN not only offers an entertaining escape, it also reveals universal truths-- wisdom we all need to hear. Its humor will make readers laugh, the characters will make them care, the story will keep them hooked, but the messages will leave them intrigued and pondering life long after they've finished the book.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN achieves what few books do-- it crosses over typical readership boundaries that normally narrow a book's audience. In other words, this clever book would appeal to a large audience. Throughout the entire time I was reading this book, I recognized it as one that could be successfully marketed to multiple age groups.

The author has created an original world that is larger than the sum of its parts, simply because the boundless messages resonate in remarkable ways. They are capable of evoking knowledge familiar to each human soul-- these most basic and honest aspects of life are to be cherished-- things such as having hope, following your dreams, the importance of perseverance, friendship, and believing in one's self.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN is an enlightening and hilarious adventure tale with well-crafted elements of unity and characterization that swell the book's momentum, encouraging an enjoyable narrative arc. It is a fast-paced read with smooth transitions and a flow most writers struggle to achieve.

In terms of writing, I like that THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN demonstrates a technique such as writing as an illusion...

Most people are familiar with a magician's illusion of linked rings. The rings seem solid, yet they're linked together, pulled apart, formed into a string which can morph into different shapes -- like pulling a stick through a mud puddle with oil glistening on the top-- or they can be stacked on top of one another--sum of the whole, yet still their own circles...it also echos of the Panopticon theory. A lot of factors fortify the circles found within THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN -- word choice, tense, imagery, starkness, and truth. This malleable method of writing allows the reader to mold and play with the story and its message. This allows an intimacy to flourish between the book and the reader.

At first, I assumed this was a simple and comedic tale. It is those things...but so much more. It didn't take long for me to realize this book had universal appeal--it could be marketed to different ages and reader groups. ...And usually tucked within these universally appealing books are Universal Truths.

"A truth is considered to be universal if it is valid in all times and places. In this case, it is seen as eternal or as absolute." - Wiki

Once, I also read someone define universal truth in one word-- love.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN is full of these universal truths and some of them are written in the most gorgeously understated way. The author uses delicate layers of themes to aerate the plot. It's lovely.

Ironically, before reading this book, I was listening to "The Fool On the Hill" by The Beatles.
This song describes Berk in THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN so well. Berk seems like a screw-up and a drunken louse that even gets lost in his own neighborhood.

...But he's not.

Berk is someone that would follow a moth around the world. Berk is the person who realizes that even though he's a dreamer, and he seems like the court jester, he's actually a phenomenally profound individual. Here is the chorus to "The Fool On the Hill":

"But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around
Well on his way his head in a cloud"

That's Berk! People think he's the one with his head in the clouds, but he's standing on the mountain looking down for a reason: That's the place where he can not only see everything, but he's closest to the sky there, so why wouldn't he stand on the hill? (Not to mention this is another Panopticon reference.) And you know what Berk thinks to himself-- as Berk is standing on the hill, overlooking his town, he looks at the sky and considers that if each star was a choice he could have made, he kept picking the same star. This is such a beautiful and poignant line.

The man who sees everything knows the truth.
The man with his head in the clouds learns what a dream is, and can follow it.

And another message was formed-- Berk had to have that dark place inside (his home) to return to sound the rest of the book off of. His point of origin is a planet shrouded in darkness. Who better to appreciate the beauty light encompasses than someone who's lived in the dark? For example, once, I asked a blind woman to describe the color blue to me. She said it was soft sometimes, but other times it felt like water under her fingertips. Most of all, she said she was told her mother's eyes were blue, so she knew the color looked like love.

THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN also shows how every piece of life is important and forms a puzzle that could not be understood or progressed without the smaller pieces. The way this book illustrates that sort of universality gives the reader the ability to make memories with its words.

When creative people put their work out into the universe, as the author has done with THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN, it changes the way people think and feel. The easiest example is the music of the 60's which helped to spur this global energy of love and acceptance. There are so many songs in the world that I've seen people write comments about that said something like, "I was going to kill myself, but I listened to this song over and over again and didn't. It saved my life." Books are like that too!

There is something lyrical about the truths found within THE WHITE LIGHT DAWN. It touches a universal chord that transcends all time.

Best of luck with your book.

Can I honestly tell you, out of all the books I have ever read, not just on this site. (and I'm a book junkie.) I love this book. I am hooked on it and can not see one flaw. It's the best book I have read in a long time. I look forward to reading it all! And when it does get published I would gladly buy it and read it over and over again.
This it the type of book that makes you think, and makes you go into a whole new world. Thanks for putting it on this site for all of us to enjoy your wonderful work!

Awesome work! Happy to back. Hope you get a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
61BBboy

"Thank you for having your work on here to be enjoyed" I think that's just about one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you. :)

I have just finished the second chapter and really enjoying it so far. I love stories that are unique and creative. The way you describe things is simple, but brilliant. So many people over complicate description, but your imagery is wonderful. I'll keep reading and give you a rating. Maybe if you have the time you can take a look at my work? Thank you for having your work on here to be enjoyed.

That's so good to hear, Laurence. Thank you for your comment and backing. It needs work on it, but that's what editors are for, right? I'm half way through the follow up. They link very well to each other now ... so hopefully people will enjoy the negative flaws in my characters like a comment from Jeremy Clarkson, LOL
Perfect, thanks again

Masterly and imaginative! The narrative is captivating from the opening paragraph. A great read ideal for long haul flights. I enjoyed the first few chapters of The White Light Dawn very much. The intriguing premise and pitch is the spring board that transported me diving into the story.
Backed with pleasure,
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

Masterly and imaginative! The narrative is captivating from the opening paragraph. A great read ideal for long haul flights. I enjoyed the first few chapters of The White Light Dawn very much. The intriguing premise and pitch is the spring board that transported me diving into the story.
Backed with pleasure,
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

I have just finished the second chapter and really enjoying it so far. I love stories that are unique and creative. The way you describe things is simple, but brilliant. So many people over complicate description, but your imagery is wonderful. I'll keep reading and give you a rating. Maybe if you have the time you can take a look at my work? Thank you for having your work on here to be enjoyed.

Hi bigmouth,

Now this is some very positive feedback. I couldn’t agree with you more about your comment. Personally, I only see these imperfections when pointed out to me. That’s what’s so great about this site. I can’t speak for other writers, but when I read my own words, I tend to read what’s not there because my mind is constantly reinventing them. I’ve had it edited once by a friend who isn’t an editor. If, or when, I’m in the position to be in contact with a professional editor, the mere thought excites me to imagine the story evolving to perfection.

I will be honest. I have been going with the ‘story is king’ mind-set. I’m so far ahead on the sequel that ‘The White Light Dawn’ has taken the back bench. I have currently been editing it, but it’s hard to keep going back when your mind is jam-packed with a following story.

Of course I will correct these repetitions you have kindly pointed out to me. Like I said, very positive feedback…and, did I just repeat myself again? Ha-ha

I think the idea of this story and found the general tone quite entertaining and appealing, but it does need quite a bit of editorial work.

Some examples:

There is a lot of repetition. You often say the same thing twice in as many sentences (which is sort of what I have done there!) In the intro you say 'For some unknown reason at the end of every ninth year...' and in the next line you say 'No one knows why these gigantic suns were attracted there or for what reason.' That is pretty much the same statement told in two different ways. The same thing happens again in the next chapter, 'four unpleasant districts' is followed by 'four unappealing quarters'. It would be a good idea to go through the whole manuscript with a red pen and delete one option every time this occurs. Your book will be more streamlined and less baggy as a result.

Personally, the similes felt wrong. They jarred somewhat. I am not sure what a 'jagged tablecloth' is, and some of the others - oil on water, compass etc. - are somewhat cliched. Again, I would tone these down a bit and consider alternatives.

The core of what you have here is pretty good but I think it is somewhat over-written and this gets in the way of the story. Bring the story to the fore and worry about linguistic prowess later.

Best of luck.

I think the idea of this story and found the general tone quite entertaining and appealing, but it does need quite a bit of editorial work.

Some examples:

There is a lot of repetition. You often say the same thing twice in as many sentences (which is sort of what I have done there!) In the intro you say 'For some unknown reason at the end of every ninth year...' and in the next line you say 'No one knows why these gigantic suns were attracted there or for what reason.' That is pretty much the same statement told in two different ways. The same thing happens again in the next chapter, 'four unpleasant districts' is followed by 'four unappealing quarters'. It would be a good idea to go through the whole manuscript with a red pen and delete one option every time this occurs. Your book will be more streamlined and less baggy as a result.

Personally, the similes felt wrong. They jarred somewhat. I am not sure what a 'jagged tablecloth' is, and some of the others - oil on water, compass etc. - are somewhat cliched. Again, I would tone these down a bit and consider alternatives.

The core of what you have here is pretty good but I think it is somewhat over-written and this gets in the way of the story. Bring the story to the fore and worry about linguistic prowess later.

Best of luck.

I really enjoyed reading this. I appreciate humor and anything that can make me laugh out loud is a good thing.

Some notes while I was reading….

Chapter 1:
Awesome introduction. I almost wonder if it would be better to start with “Let me introduce myself, and then go into that. The first and second paragraph would then be third and fourth…
Good ending to that chapter with an explanation of the title. Well done.

Chapter 2
Good chapter.
Personally, I don’t like sound effects like “squeak, squeak”. I think you should be able to incorporate the feeling you are trying to get at without them. But I have seen them used often. So, I won’t advise you to change what is likely just a personal preference on my part.

Chapter 3
Ahaha…

It was about a year to write it but I was travelling at the time. It then took another year to piece it all together like a puzzle, ha-ha I now have grey hair, :D
Thank you so much for your comment.

First of all, how long did it take you to write this/develop the story etc? I can see this book as a movie! You have such a great imagination.

When I began reading the first chapter, I was thinking; This is not a genre I usually read, but then as I carried on to chapter 2, I found myself really enjoying it.

Great descriptions, awesome characters, well done!

Holly (The Lady in White)

Sorry, my computer is stuffed and I always press my comments twice. Oh well, at least I'm getting my point across to you. Ha!

First of all, how long did it take you to write this/develop the story etc? I can see this book as a movie! You have such a great imagination.

When I began reading the first chapter, I was thinking; This is not a genre I usually read, but then as I carried on to chapter 2, I found myself really enjoying it.

Great descriptions, awesome characters, well done!

Holly (The Lady in White)

First of all, how long did it take you to write this/develop the story etc? I can see this book as a movie! You have such a great imagination.

When I began reading the first chapter, I was thinking; This is not a genre I usually read, but then as I carried on to chapter 2, I found myself really enjoying it.

Great descriptions, awesome characters, well done!

Holly (The Lady in White)

great characters,comical undertones and a good storyline, well done.

This is great!! A cross between Monty Python and The Clangers (little metallic mice-like creatures who lived in space.) It's funny and the m/cs are brilliant. Will read it all when I can. A few typos, but the story surpasses those. On bookshelf with stars, and w/l. Well done.

Kate Grimes - LIZZIE- CUPPA TALES -TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE