Book Jacket

 

rank 423
word count 100363
date submitted 04.09.2011
date updated 01.12.2011
genres: Fantasy, Religious, Comedy
classification: moderate
complete

Arm of Gedden: The Last Prophet

Grant Amadeus

A narcoleptic Hawaiian monk must save the world with the help of fallen angels and an irritable Seraph.

 

It's 4024 A.D. and the world is about to go to Hell. Literally.

A young Hawaiian monk, Hanau, is content to enjoy his seafood, chores, and frequent naps. However, forces have conspired to completely ruin his good time. For unknown reasons, the Lord Gedden and his Seraphim have designated Hanau as the lynchpin in their final gambit to save existence. Seven Seals, created in a lost past, are preventing Heaven's warriors from intervening on the Earthen plane, and in the short span of four human years, Satanael will break free from his icy bonds with only one thought on his mind: revenge.

Assisted by the Archangel of Balance and seven fallen Tarshishim, Hanau leaves his monastery in search of the elusive Seals, combating men and demons, fleeing from the Antichrist, and falling asleep at very inopportune times. Of course, he has little time to waste. If he cannot find and destroy the Seals, then the legions of Hell will surely prevail.



The manuscript you see is fully completed, save for whatever minor edits I throw in here and there. Actually, I've finished half of the five-book series. So yeah.

 
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tags

action, adventure, angels, antichrist, apocalypse, armageddon, comedy, demons, end of the world, epic, gedden, god, heaven, hell, humor, low fantasy, ...

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43 comments

 

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Wyatt Earp wrote 883 days ago

A crazy rollercoaster of a book. Fabulously entertaining.

Jack Hughes wrote 890 days ago

A fabulous fantastical adventure! Richly detailed with a good line in humour and with a great pace. Excellent storytelling, my friend, keep it up.

Backed as soon as I can find a space.

Jack Hughes

Geoff Thorne wrote 900 days ago

Yeah, you're backed. this is fun. terry pratchett fun. my rule is simple: would I buy this in a book store based on what i might read while standing there?

the answer is, "yes."

you held me for three chapters; you made me smile by the middle of the first, so you're backed. nice work.

Bad Karma wrote 905 days ago

Oh, and any pronoun applied to God should be capitalized: Him, His, You, You're, and so on.



Well, I responded to the first thing with a direct message, as using the comments section for dialogue is a bit silly (and once again, thank you for that other comment). But I just want to say this here, in case anyone else wishes to post the same thing later: I absolutely didn't capitalize Gedden-related pronouns on purpose, for a variety of reasons. That wasn't a mistake on my part; it was a conscious decision not to do so. Just sayin'.

Lacydeane wrote 806 days ago

Your writing flows perfectly-- very easy to read. You are definitely a talented writer, and very creative. Good work.

Brian Bandell wrote 867 days ago

I like the first chapter. The birth with the warning about the demons is a great setup. Hanau is a cool character. he does fun things and shows respect so he's a good hero. Although the setting doesn't feel like 2,000 years into the future.

I had difficulty with the prologue. It’s hard to understand what the angels are talking about. I’m not sure where the angels are. Are they in a supernal place or on earth?

You're on the right path here so I'll back it. Be careful about publishing the entire book on here. That could make it hard to sell your book later because it's hard to sell what was available for free.

Brian Bandell
Mute

wozniakm wrote 868 days ago

Excellent book! Cannot wait until the next one! Very original portrayals of Gedden and angels!

Ganymedes wrote 875 days ago

I think that Chp 1 is hilarious, and the further two that I read were very entertaining.
The only one thing that I noticed is that there is an awful lot of is exclamation marks, other than that all is brill.

Nice to read your work and hope that you can spare a moment to look through Soulsister....

Chp called - Death March is worth a read...Then again it could give those people wanting to section me, the perfect excuse.

Belle Époque wrote 876 days ago

This genre is well out of my comfort zone but I'm so glad I read it.

In the prologue the bickering angels (who seem to have a touch of the surfer dude about them) appear to be preparing for the second coming. As the bickering got more heated I was half expecting "their father" so say "chillax"!!

In chapter one we have a distressed couple arrive at a hard to reach monastery in heavy rain. The woman is about to give birth. The monks take them in willingly and look after them. Then we flash forward, the woman's child is now a man and a happy go lucky popular monk who, having finished his chores, saunters down to the local beach just in time to tuck into freshly caught groper and parrot fish.

This is charming, original and fresh! I look forward to reading more when time permits. Your hero zings with vitality and I look forward to reading about his adventures.

Best of luck with this.

reben wrote 883 days ago

Okaaaay...

You definitely get points for originality. Well written and goofy. I couldn't find any typos, shock! Taking a humorous turn for what is usually a solemn or even angry topic. You MC is a likeable character as are the rest of the monks. The short pitch made me giggle, so it's a good pitch.

Reben

Wyatt Earp wrote 883 days ago

A crazy rollercoaster of a book. Fabulously entertaining.

Seth Nathrah wrote 885 days ago

I love it!
The humor adds a unique blend to the style of your writing. I related to Hanau straight away and never read anything that took me out of the world you had created (up to chapter 3).

Backed, and I hope to get time to read more soon.

Seth

MarsdenCyn wrote 888 days ago

This is feedback up through chapter 8.

You create a wonderful reluctant prophet. His flaw boarders on comical, but otherwise, he comes across as a likable kid. The earthly scenes have a warm, inviting "color" to them.

I am most drawn into the underworld scenes, as they are more to my interests, hence my instant affinity for Satanael.

I want to relate to Jehriel, but I can't. I think I understand what you are trying to do with him; however, he comes across as too surly.

Clever title, it got a groan out of my spouse.

In chapter 1 there are several instances of 'you know' followed by the character having to say it. This seems a little forced, as in it's for the reader's benefit.

I don't understand your use of ellipsis at the end of dialogue that doesn't appear to be faltering speech.

Good luck with it.

Jack Hughes wrote 890 days ago

A fabulous fantastical adventure! Richly detailed with a good line in humour and with a great pace. Excellent storytelling, my friend, keep it up.

Backed as soon as I can find a space.

Jack Hughes

ROBIN CALVERT wrote 890 days ago

Well-written, I would think trendy. Can imagine that guy who starred in ABDUCTION & TWILIGHT in the movie.

Gideon McLane wrote 893 days ago

"Arm of Gedden: The Last Prophet" - Grant Amadeus. I read the 1st 2 chapters and scanned several comments. Stars for very complex humor - perhaps too complex for the average reader? Some thoughts: very punny title; suggest delete "... 'those' four years" from you pitch - 'those' is unnecessary; Hehirel seems physically similar to your picture - coincidence?; chapter 2 - suggest "...'gave him the strength' to carry his wife...."; "... glad to see him. New para. "Hanauhoulani..." Final thought: an inside joke is only funny if the reader is let in on the secret. Hope this helps.

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

MarsdenCyn wrote 893 days ago

After reading your comments to Andrew Wright, I am intrigued to read to writing of another semicolon-phile, although I disagree with using them in dialogue--people tend to speak in run-on sentences and sentence fragments.

I have you on my watchlist to read and will provide feedback when I have a chance.

Steve Hawgood wrote 894 days ago

The promised return read. Apologies it took so long. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish. For the record I'm not a lover of fantasy, am fascinated by religion and think humour is the toughest genre to wrote. So these comments could go anywhere.

The synopsis reads well and comes across as clever - too clever? - we'll see.

Intriguing start and generally hooked me - but lose the soft edged and effeminate angel - too clever and for Gabriel in particular doesnt fir our preconceived ideas - am aware you wish to challenge them, but one at a time.

You then take us into a fascinating section of dialogue that again generally worked for me. As so often is the case, what held me back was the plethora of new names. Michale and Satanael (celever touch) worked but staying with the names and the intracies of the fast paced story from there was difficult. It is well written otherwise.

I found this opening Chapter overall too heavy. You know your story but for the reader the flood of information takes time to assimilate and therefore removes the spark from what is some good writing. Writing humour, it's particularly important you have our minds attentive when you drop those lines in, and I sense that doesnt work as well as it could.

Chapter 2 and a change in pace, with a strong descriptive section. For realism spindly arms dont hold pregnant women for long even not moving, far less walking up cliff paths. But the images are generally there.

What you do have is the start of an intriguing story and without that I would have stopped reading ( I would lose the creeping green fungus and demons and leave it vague - let the readers imagination work for you).

Dates - luckily I noted April and remembered May from earlier. Agaian the reader isnt always aware where your going. Make it easy for us.

From here the fantasy side and additional names loses me. I'm not hooking into the humour and the intrigue I sensed earlier has gone. Goofy grins in particular didnt work.

As I said at the beginning not my obvious genre. You can write and behind there is the potential for an intriguing story, but I'm not able to stay with the characters. I did promise shelf time for a good read and am grateful for your own comments. Best. Steve.

Jacoba wrote 896 days ago

Hi,
You invited me for a read, so I came to take a look.
This is not my normal genre. Far from it in fact, but I like to branch out on occasion. So my remarks may or may not ring true.
I read the first chapter twice to get into the voice. I found on the second reading I got in the right head space and enjoyed it. I'm also blonde so it does take me a bit of time to get the jokes. I did like the..'by the love of father..'
I can see where you're going with this now.
Writing wise it all seemed to flow well. I'm not a lover of 'that' and I take the buggers out whenever I see them, unless they are vital, as in this sentence: ...and inform Virtues their request will be granted.'
I also wondered at the lack of contractions in the dialogue. I know its God and angels and all, but they might still shorten the occasional word. That last sentence jarred for me in the first chapter. Apparently the brain takes longer to process negative statements. Maybe its just my own problem. I keep wanting him to say.
Why not send someone who cares?
Anyhow, not much advise there I'm afraid. I think this will do well.
Comedy is a genre that needs a lot more authors. I can see a lot of people enjoying this. Reminds me of Monty Python. I loved all their takes on the bible stories.
Best of luck with it,
Cheers Jacoba

Philthy wrote 897 days ago

Hi Grant,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it took so long. Below are my comments/findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions.

I love this already. Like I said before, who couldn’t love a narcoleptic, Hawaiian monk?

Grant, this is one of the best, most polished pitches I’ve seen on Authonomy. Well done!

Prologue

Good description and clean writing, but it took me a bit to realize that the voice was the voice of God. So if all the characters in the scene know this already, why not just say it?

From what I hear, publishers aren’t fond of overuse of semicolons. You use them properly, but sometimes I wonder if you’d be better off with periods. Might just be me, though.

This is fantastic banter. I love how you’ve made the angels into whining children and how God continuously interrupts them by completing their sentences because he knows what’s going on already. Hilarious stuff.

I stopped going line-by-line, because I saw pretty quickly that you’re writing’s pretty clean. Great stuff. I’ve got a list of books I intend to give some time on my shelf, and will gladly add this to that list. It’s certainly worthy. Funny stuff, a fun read and a good story from what I can tell so far.

Nicely done. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my story.

All the best,

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

craziichas wrote 897 days ago

Very interesting first chapter. I gotta say "For the love of Father.." had me laughing out loud. I'll be reading more when I can :)

QuinnYA wrote 898 days ago

This is awesome, to be completely honest. It's so unlike anything I've seen! You've got a wicked sense of humor ;)

It's well paced and full of life, it carried me along. You give us the stuff from Revelations without being so high-handed and 'doom and gloom', it's easier to read about your way, haha. I think I might get struck down for that. It does need work here and there but it's nothing major. The story and the appeal is there, and your wit. I absolutely see a place for this in the market. I wish you luck with it. It's going on my shelf for a long stint but that might not be for a couple weeks.

Stars for now and thanks for the entertainment as well as a nicely written book.
Missy

ChristinaN55 wrote 899 days ago

I usually freak out whenever I see a book labelled "Fantasy" but I knew you'd ask me to take a look so I thought I'd beat you to it.
Well, what can I say? This is actually very good!! I love your humour and the way those toga wearing angels act around each other. I'm guessing you have a thing for Jehriel and even copied his goatie!
Anyway, I really enjoyed what I read (but you knew that already)
6 stars- well done.

Christina
Take a Sick Break

Geoff Thorne wrote 900 days ago

Yeah, you're backed. this is fun. terry pratchett fun. my rule is simple: would I buy this in a book store based on what i might read while standing there?

the answer is, "yes."

you held me for three chapters; you made me smile by the middle of the first, so you're backed. nice work.

Billy Young wrote 901 days ago

Nicely written tale though I wonder why chapter one wasn't the prologue instead of the one you had. I felt that the prologue you had didn't add anything to your tale. I think you could weave parts of it into the first chapter to create a better opening to your tale and also impart what you were trying to say and hook the reader by introducing the reader into the action from the beginning. Well all the best with your tale.

Catherine Edmunds wrote 901 days ago

Clever title. Sets the tone. If the text now turns out to be deadly serious, I'll be disappointed.

Good short pitch, though I'd drop 'particularly'. Never use more than one modifier. Each additional one always weakens what you're trying to say.

Opening sentence of the long text would make a good alternate short pitch.

Be wary of splitting infinitives ('to completely ruin'). You don't need 'completely', and dropping it would save you from grammar pedants like myself, so I think it needs to go.

I suggest you start a new paragraph with 'Assisted by the Archangel'. You need to break up the block of text, and that's as good a place as any. You need 'in search of', not 'in search for'. Drop 'very' from 'very inopportune times'. Drop 'Of course'. Use a full stop instead of a semi-colon after 'waste'.

Prologue. Don't start with 'There was' or 'It was' or anything was, ever. It's the weakest possible opening. Start with somebody hearing the knock at the door. If you ever find yourself using a variant of the verb 'to be', in any tense, always check to see if there's something stronger and more precise you could use instead. The problem you have here is that you don't want to say the name of the 'person' who hears the knock. Easy solution. Have Gabriel knocking. 'Gabriel knocked at the door'. The only other alteration you'd have to make is two lines down where you'd need something like: 'A soft-edged and effeminate angel glided...' to save you repeating 'Gabriel'.

My problem when I start looking at novels on this site is that I want to edit practically every line. I'm going to resist the temptation and try hard to read on through the rest of the prologue without stopping. No I'm not. Have to do something about the wordiness of the description of Gabriel. You wrote: 'Ear-length blond hair fell to both sides of his face, and his white robe almost seemed to sparkle.' If I were editing this, I would suggest: 'Ear-length blond hair flopped round his face and his white robe shimmered.' In other words; if you tighten the text you can make it more descriptive. Less is more. Always.

Okay. Reading on. Won't stop again until the end of the prologue.

Finished. General impression: too many characters. If you can re-arrange this so that you have just one angel making the report, and perhaps making snide asides about the others, it will be easier on the reader. You also need to tighten up the text considerably and make it about a third of the length. Readers lose patience with prologues very quickly. It's more than likely you don't need it at all. I'll read on and see what you do in chapter one.

Immediate impression is that you take far too much time describing what people look like. Colour of beard, for example, doesn't matter one jot. Readers like to make up their own minds about such things. In a first chapter, they want action. Stuff must happen. Don't hold it up by describing everything in the minutest detail.

I like the way you neatly get out of describing the birth itself.

Dialogue is pretty good, though I'd be wary of trying to show a stammering delivery. Makes it slightly harder to read, and isn't absolutely necessary.

The choreography, for want of a better word, needs a bit of sorting. The woman is hoisted up, and by the time she gets there, the monks have already sorted out clean linen and warm water ready for the delivery. I don't think they've had enough time, frankly. More likely they'd deliver the baby - a process that requires no towels or water - and then go hunting around for stuff to clean up the mess. The more unlikely your overall story, the more important it is for each little episode to be entirely believable on its own terms. Working out how long things take in real time is essential to the believability, or you'll keep yanking the reader out of the fictive dream.

General impressions: you have some highly imaginative ideas here, and a great sense of location, but the text needs a good edit in my view to tighten it up.




Andrew W. wrote 902 days ago

Arm of Gedden: The Last Prophet

I've read about four chapters posted here so feel I can comment on that section at least and perhaps draw out some key themes in terms of my suggestions. Firstly I want to congratulate you on your imagination and please can I have some of what you're having for breakfast! Surreal, weird and strange and that's just your pitch. I'm with you on the atheism, by the way, which meant for me this was even more of a fantasy read. Initially I'd like to say what I liked, partly because there are some things I didn't like and it is important to be balanced, but mostly because I genuinely thought you did these things really well.

These things were:
(i) Zany, weird, freaky and strange - a genuinely original piece of fiction, Terry Prachett came to mind, Monty Python too, in terms of both irreverence and that satirical slant-ways undertone.
(ii) Energy - your writing fizzes with it, as do your characters and your plot, sparkling amount of it and we genuinely do not know what is going to happen next
(iii) Interesting sentences and scenes - you do the basic, common or garden writerly job well, you write interesting sentences, that build paragraphs I want to read, which leads to chapters I wanted to read to.

So, that said here are my suggestions:
(i) Too many words, particularly in the early paragraphs of the first chapter but then, I noticed it elsewhere too. This is an issue not of a lack of clarity in terms of where you want to get to I think, but more you have many, many words rushing for the exit in your mind and too many of them make it onto the page. In that first para of the Prologue you weaken some great lines by putting too many words down. That first line, you might want to consider being bolder and briefer. Could it start:

A great, booming knock at the door.
"Come in," a thunderous voice boomed back.
Gabriel, an effeminate angel, glided into the room. He turned to close the magnificent doors before stepping forward.

This imagery you have here is powerful, but you dress it almost with too many words. The description of what he is wearing could do with cutting down too in my humble opinion.

(ii) Time slots - I found the way the story jumped to obscure future dates quite confusing and kept had to check where I was in time by flicking back and forth through the chapters I was reading. I'm not sure what the solution to this is, but I think it may be something to do with the natural narrative order of your story. You will of course know this a whole heap better than me - or anyone actually so you might want to take this suggestion with a pinch of salt. But I do think you might want to diddle with the way you tell this story. I loved the opening scene, it works, its comical, it introduces the back story and also gives us the gorgeous characters, the petulant fights between angelic brothers. The next chapter I was less convinced by, it seemed to be giving me a back story of these friends without really driving the plot forward. I wondered as I was reading it as well written as it is (although like all of our writing it could do with some editing in terms of those words rushing for the exits - see above) whether it was required at all to propel this story forward. As an atheist you'll be into evolution by natural selection and this is the way I always approach chapters, in the end it is only the fittest in terms of delivering the narrative that should survive. You'll be a better judge than me whether chapter 2 does stuff which just has to be there.

I hope at least some of that was useful. I very much liked your quirky style. I will be pushing your book in one of my threads in the next couple of weeks, it is distinctive and will stay with me for a while. The fact you have written so many makes me feel you should be sticking them out as e-books soon, that market is quite interesting and untested. You have the quirkiness you need to have a cult following. Hey, maybe you're doing this already. Apologies if any of this has been unhelpful. Impressive idea, great writing, fizzing imagination. I am in awe of the creativity.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W

gr84ll wrote 903 days ago

I have read the first 5 chapters! Nice job! You have written this well.... I saw few mistakes (if any). Good luck with it... Jacque (Upside Down)

Charles Bunton wrote 904 days ago

Some of the dialogue at the beginning sounds stilted and at odds with the content...if you're funny, it will come out in the writing...I think you may be trying too hard or perhaps it's humour American style?
Good luck
Stewart
Lord Randle's Wee/Willy

Bad Karma wrote 905 days ago

Oh, and any pronoun applied to God should be capitalized: Him, His, You, You're, and so on.



Well, I responded to the first thing with a direct message, as using the comments section for dialogue is a bit silly (and once again, thank you for that other comment). But I just want to say this here, in case anyone else wishes to post the same thing later: I absolutely didn't capitalize Gedden-related pronouns on purpose, for a variety of reasons. That wasn't a mistake on my part; it was a conscious decision not to do so. Just sayin'.

Brian Downes wrote 905 days ago

Oh, and any pronoun applied to God should be capitalized: Him, His, You, You're, and so on.

Brian Downes wrote 905 days ago

I think that a comedy about a celestial battle for the fate of the world is an excellent concept. A note on style - I recommend tightening the writing some. For example, in the prologue you wrote,

"Clean towels lay beside a makeshift bed and a bowl of warm water, and the multitudes of candles that adorned the wood-and-stone walls had been set aflame to provide much-appreciated light inside the building."

I would suggest,

"Clean towels and a bowl of warm water lay beside a makeshift bed. The multitudes of candles that hung on the wood-and-stone walls threw their light across the simple furnishings."

"Threw" is tighter than "set aflame to provide much-appreciated light". And it's not necessary to specify that the light is appreciated, because monks don't light candles to annoy themselves with their glow. Neither is it necessary to specify that the candles are inside the building, because you tell the reader that the pregnant woman and the others are entering the building earlier in the same paragraph, so the reader already knows that they are inside.

There was a lot of good comedy in the prologue, but that seemed to shrink in the first chapter. I think that one can never have too much funny in a comedy, so keep the laughs coming.

Danile Night wrote 905 days ago

Definitively something new and good. It adds humor to the end. I like.

Dakota Velasquez wrote 906 days ago

Hi ya,

Well I must say that I love your writing style. Unfortunately I only had the time to read the first four chapters, but what I read I like. This is an awesome piece of work you have here. Your characters grab a hold of ones attention and it really flows nicely. You make me laugh, but then you appeal to my liking of the darker side (I like demons and things of such nature). When I have some free time I will definitely come back to read the rest, this is already lobbed in to the books I like to read. I hope you had a lot of fun writing it cuz I'm sure I'm gonna have alot of fun reading it =).

I'm totally gonna give you a six star rating!
Dakota

Catori Kimeya wrote 906 days ago

Amazing chapter! I found it very interesting that the parents had been attacked by demons, and the way you described them! They sound very creepy and nasty, I wouldn't wanna meet up with those things.

And here we meet Hanau! Awesome! Once again you've painted a vibrant picture for me. Your dialogue is very natural, very smooth and believable. I really enjoyed reading through it and laughed many times!! Great sense of humor, it definitly off sets the horrible, evil demons! lol :)

This has got to be my favorite line, and definitly my favorite part, the banter between Hanua and Kahoku, "That's odd... your catch seems to be on the end of my spear," perfect!! And then Hanua spears it, he had to make sure it was dead... :)

Great job on this chapter, I really loved all the dialogue between the characters, I'm really liking your characters. Even though I've just met them, it feels like I already know them. Very good!!

Edit : Okay, so apparently I'm still used to the other website that I read on... where you can comment seperately on each chapter... *cough* anyhow... sorry bout that... :)

Catori Kimeya wrote 906 days ago

Wow! I must say your first chapter has dragged me in completely! You've masterfully painted a brilliant picture in my head, and I loved the dialogue between the angels and 'Father'. Great job!! The pace was perfect, not too slow, not too fast, and I followed what was going on very easily.

You did a great job with the dialogue especially with so many characters all talking. I think I only lost who was talking once, and that's most likely because I'm pretty tired at the moment lol :) I'm totally enjoying your take on the angels, great descriptions of each of them also. I'm totally intrigued as to what's going to happen next!!

Now, as for grammar and such, I'm not a nazi or anything lol, but I didn't see anything that needed fixing, it looks very good to me! Something I wish I could say I could do as well... but hey, I'll get there eventually right? Alright, well then, without further ado! Onto the next chapter!

desiree lane wrote 908 days ago

I am biased because secretly I have an affinity towards science fiction. Weird but true and this story has me totally engrossed. Boring textbooks from college have caused me to become numb when reading anything that is considered atypical, which of course this is not. However, it is long and I will come back and finish the rest later. Bookshelf worthy stuff.

a.morrison712 wrote 909 days ago

Okay my comments are always over the first chapter. I never comment over grammar because I don't feel qualified to do so. My comments will cover what strikes me as a reader. I'm also very new to the writing thing, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I like how Gabriel describes god as his boss. I was drawn in by that bit of humor. Nice touch. Also like the term associates. As a side note, when I first saw the word "angel" I was thinking, "How is this going to be different?" This work jargon is really setting it apart for me. My only concern was that the angels argued with one another. This gives them a sense of humanity...I would think that they wouldn't argue as they are more elevated or "better" than humans. You make this work though in a way, but an explanation might be nice. Jehriel's line at the end made him seem like he didn't want to do God's bidding. He's an angel...so it was a little odd. But, once again you make it work. It's just a different take and pushing the traditional image or idea of a "perfect angel." Good luck with this and I'm giving you five stars for a good idea. I'll read more as time permits.

Best,

Ashley

Rosalind Barden wrote 910 days ago

Arm of Gedden is humor-infused and trippy. In chapt 13, it's the aftermath of a bloody battle, but you slip the weird sense of humor in there, with the "I do love a happy ending, do not you?" Works for me! Backed.
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

Hermione wrote 914 days ago

It seems polite to check out someone who has been kind enough to back 'Who's The Fool?' but I'm afraid I'm unable to offer much help in the way of comment. The title is so terrific that you obviously had to write the book to go with it, and you may well have succeeded. However, it's not a genre I read for pleasure and I really can't decide whether or not the book lives up to the title. I'll put it on my watchlist and come back another time...sorry!

Bad Karma wrote 914 days ago

This is to any later reader who looks at the two comments below and hasn't read my direct responses to the commentators.

A. They're totally right.
B. I've already made attempts to fix this issue, having finally gotten some candid opinions on the matter, and I've uploaded them.
C. If you still share their sentiment despite my potentially feeble fixes, please be sure to tell me. I wholly welcome it; if the issue has not yet been remedied, then I need to know this so that I can try some more!

kiwigirl2011 wrote 914 days ago

I have to agree with Yannis. The voice in the first chapter and early second were comical, kind of like Terry Pratchett (the only fantasy I read) so I was excited, then from the point Hanau had aged to 20 the rest of that chapter just failed to live up to the early humour. It starts to come back in chapter 3 (One more quip and I'll knock you into yesterday! - Dark times, so many candles lit! etc) so I think it's just the second chapter you need to work on to make sure you don't lose readers interest.
Granted with the sound of faraway screaming - I wondered if this was meant to be 'greeted' with the sound...?
Five stars from me
Tammy Robinson

MrKarats wrote 914 days ago

I read up to the middle of the third chapter. Your opening chapter is a page turner. It was hilarious all the way and well-paced. You kept your comical voice in the part where we see the father and the mother reach the monastery. I smirked every time you mocked the "malnurtured" father. And then, when you entered what seemed to be the main story, your voice vanished. You stopped mocking them! Why? Laugh away at them... It was too much of a change and I didn't see any interest in it from there. I went along till the next chapter and lost hope of finding that voice in the beginning.

Another thing that caught my attention is that you care to comment always on how old someone looks, compared to someone entering the scene or already standing next to him... I don't know why you do this. It drags a scene... Also, why is everything you describe of a double colour? Yellow-orange, white-purple etc... These two struck me as awkward things in a story...:/

I did enjoy the first part immensely and this is what earns you 5 stars.

Yannis

Fred Le Grand wrote 914 days ago

Imaginative, interesting and well written.
Just one suggestion in the dialogue. Avoid using -ly adverbs to qualify speech. Cut -ly adverbs eslewhere as they weaken the writing.
I also think that an onmiscient, omnipresent being wouldn't ever have any surprises, nor any need to get news, but that's part of the fun of this excellent book.
Enjoyed reading this.

Nightdream wrote 916 days ago

Not bad at all. The story flows. I was hoping for a big hook at the end but it's okay that you didn't have one. Your characters and story seem to be pulling the weight.

there was one part that you said the voice said twice pretty much back to back. you might want to drop one.

Bad Karma wrote 917 days ago

Droll. No apocalyptic stone is safe, I see. ...'he devilishly hissed' (last page) sounds good enough for classic pantomime. Do those 42 chapters you've uploaded comprise the entire100,352 MS? In other words, Is that the end?
Backed.



Of the whole thing? No, it's only the first of five books, actually. Although it is the end of the first book, yes. And yes, I'm a terrible person for ending it with such a cliffhanger.

Now, when you say 'droll', how do you mean that? It's used in a negative sense nowadays, but if that is the case, I'm intrigued as to why you would back something you didn't like. Did you mean it in the "curious and amusing" way? Because if you did, that's totally what I was going for...

As for the classic pantomime, I fully concur!

zenup wrote 917 days ago

Droll. No apocalyptic stone is safe, I see. ...'he devilishly hissed' (last page) sounds good enough for classic pantomime. Do those 42 chapters you've uploaded comprise the entire100,352 MS? In other words, Is that the end?
Backed.

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