Split

Hello Mick
Chaps 1-4. Found this via Martin Taylor (Rubber Ring) shelf. And I'm glad I did.
The writing is polished and nuanced-plenty of dead-pan humour, generally restrained but small brush-strokes effect creating a layered narrative. You have succeeded where many fail with the 1st POV, it doesn't feel affected.
My one criticism would be the balance between the smoothness of the narrative and the seamless change of personality. It's too subtle IMHO. Without re-reading the LP (which I glossed over to start with) this thick mick wouldn't have got it. And because it is an intimate psychological study this could leave the reader feeling 'unworthy' of the read by missing it's shifting meaning.
I enjoyed it. Will add it to my WL and 5 stars.
All the Best,
John
Dropping Babies.

I recognise so much about what you have written - Souh London, high rise blocks, Soho. I could feel myself wanting to shout, "Yes!" everytime you described a situation I knew. Even the queue in Boots came flooding back to me - medication time. You write so well about what you said you were going to write about. You haven't let anybody down, including yourself, because this is brilliant stuff, and Rupert fits the part well. When he went for the audition and the Northern Line had packed in, I thought fucking typical. "Of all the gin joints ...in all the world ..." Twenty minutes late. I can feel his pulse, it's so real. The build up and how he his completely thrown by the directors remark - I'm thinking "Oh no he's gonna fuck it up." And the delivery of what actually happens is spot on - I don't know I just found myself smiling, as he walked towards the door, exit stage left. A big silly smile. Then I remembered the dove in the cutlery box - calm, silent, drugged up, playing possum maybe? And I thought you poor sod, not for the dove, but for him. Then there was Time Out - yes I've thought the same - GSOH, vegetarian non-smoker, loving, caring, seeks O,A, and WS - Then came the first meeting with the therapist, and bit-by-bit I could feel Rupert's predicament - then I started to understand a little more of what his disorder was about. I'm simply knocked out.

Mick I have no hesitation in backing your book and giving it six stars - oh by the way Leelah asked me to tell you that she pointed this out to me, and I'm so pleased she did - Mick

The writing is very polished and full – no problems there. For me, and I stress it is probably my taste rather than any flaw, I found it a bit hard going. There were some quite humorous elements and excellent dialogue but they didn’t come often enough to break up the large chunks of prose. I realize this is how 1st person narrative often is and that is why I suspect it is more a reflection on my taste, compounded very probably by reading on a computer screen, than any real problem with the writing.
I have rated it highly as I can see that it is clearly well written.
All the best with it.
Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of Time

I read the first chapter. You paint the character well. He sees everything around him...Well done I have rated this book and hope to get back to read more.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

SPLIT
This is an interesting story. I like Rupert. He’s likable because of the care he gives the dove; sympathetic because he always studies the lines in the floor and has to wait so long at the pharmacy (there are always lines at my pharmacy too, so I really related to that scene). I think this is a book with wide appeal; has a little bit of something for everyone. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Mick, thanks for your message and for calling attention to "Split." The first chapter--all that I've read so far--reads well and induces me to read on. Rupert comes to life, and I've taken an interest in his future. Only two things gave me pause: I'd like to see a few more words defining "Boots the Chemist." Is it a public drug dispensary, a drug store, or what? And I suggest you break up the longer paragraphs. This weekend I'll have time to read more.

I hope you'll take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," about a young country doctor who attempts to rescue an orphan girl from her abusive uncle. Please comment and, if you find the novel worthy, give it a turn on your shelf.

Best regards, Bill

Well written! A highly entertaining book. I can't wait to read more later on, when I get the time. Highly Starred
Thanks,
Scott Trimas
The Chimera Factor

Hi Mick, I've read the lot, something I rarely manage on this site despite good intentions, you've well and truly hooked me.

First person narrative is never a problem for me and this voice feels entirely natural. What I'm having trouble with is recognising the four personalities, aside from the violent one obviously. Is it parental or 'normal' Rupert that brings home the injured dove, for example? I wonder if these first chapters would be better dedicated to exploring 'normal' Rupert, as I'm not sure I know him well enough yet to be certain of when he slips into a different persona. I'm also interested to know why Rupert is paying for private therapy, he'd almost certainly have been offered the services of a CPN by the NHS, especially as Personality Disorders are so difficult to diagnose that he'd probably have spent years in the mental health system.

This is all sounding quite critical and I don't mean it to be, you're obviously a natural, gifted writer with a talent for observation and a seemingly effortless style.

Dear Mick

I have read six chapters of your fabulous tale, "Split". Darkly humorous, well observed, and paced to perfection, this is a comedy to brighten my day. I love the MC's internal monologue, I adore your observations of others, your perfect juxtaposition of the grim and the comedic. What a laugh. Pacing is good, not a single typo or word out of place.

Incidentally, Quakers are still alive and well, and practicing their brand of faith in every county of Britain, as well as across the world. You might want to change some of your references to them to the present tense, to reflect that they are not merely a historical religious group.

All the best to you, Nick. Please, upload some more of this when you have time. Highly rated and on my WL :-))

Hi Mick

This is great; very amusing from the outset and sharply observed. Using Boots as a metaphor for order, with "regimented", "disciplined", "uniform" in quick succession, then describing the untidy, ugly snaking queue as the disorder, was inspired. The inner dialogue was brilliant - how many of us have not stood in the chemists/ bank/ post office and not run through a similar thought process? I am assuming that the injured dove is representative of our hero's predicament?

I have no technical criticism to add, just to say once again that this is a great piece of writing.

Consider yourself backed.

Perhaps you would care to take a glance at Marking Time? Also a black comedy/satire, set in the English education system. A number of anthropomorphic animal charcters help the story along too.

All the best
Crispy

Great stuff, Mick. I love the theme of "liberation from South London", and Rupert's volcanic eruption over 'losing the hat, pal', is fantastic. Well done. Good luck.

This is an extremely well written book and highly entertaining as well! I've rated it highly and will return soon for more. Thanks for the enjoyable read!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Hi Mick,

Thanks for the chance to read and review “Split”. As someone who is very interested in fictional depictions of human frailty, your premise chimed with me, and, indeed, I think you have a clear voice and strong ideas about the direction you want to take this.

However, I feel as though I am in the minority of readers here when I say that I struggled quite a bit with the novel. I couldn’t work out why, initially, so read everything that you uploaded and have consequently formed a few ideas. As always, my opinion is completely instinctive and may be based on very subjective criteria. However, I hope that a few of my comments may strike a chord and help you with subsequent revisions.
On a very technical point (and as someone who has worked voluntarily for many years with mental health patients), I believe that the term Multiple Personality Disorder was “rebranded” by the DSM IV sometime in the 90’s (1994?) as Dissociative Personality Disorder. This may have an effect on placing your MS in time; if it’s meant to be pre-90’s that’s fine, otherwise you may think about re-naming it in your pitch, etc.

I think the MS starts well, and I enjoyed Rupert’s interior monologue in the chemist. It captured a sense of anxiety and an interesting voice. The problem I had was that there was little variation in this tone as the novel progressed, meaning that we had a lot of the same sort of things expressed in different settings. Although this gave a strong sense of place it threatened at times to become a little repetitive, and therefore lose the strength of your opening gambit. I think you could tighten these scenic tours round Rupert’s head without losing the sense that he is suffering from some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder/anxiety disorder.
One of my bigger problems with the MS operates at quite a fundamental level to your plot. I find the MC’s profession as an actor not quite enough at odds with his personality disorder to create either sufficient dramatic intent or humorous potential. I have read of and met far too many actors in my time to know that many of them express a sense of being slightly “schizophrenic” (terrible misuse of the term) because they play so many different roles and are required to be completely immersed in them. To therefore create a MC who has DPD seems a bit like a busman’s holiday.

One way I feel this *could* work would be if you took the rather clichéd line that actors use (above) and used it to your advantage. Thus, if Rupert’s actual and very real DPD actively informed his decision to BECOME an actor; as a way of making it rather more invisible to the world at large. I think this would be funnier, and give you more potential for humour. This would also, I think, open up the potential for more dramatic throughlines with, for example, his parents/friends, etc. (one element which I felt was sadly lacking).

Related to this was my surprise that Rupert currently seems to be completely oblivious to his own problems. Someone who has amnesiac fugues, outbreaks of verbal violence, panic attacks and what appears to be OCD would, I presume, have sought some medical assistance in the past. How long has he had DPD? The fact that he is on anti-anxiety medication seems to suggest that he is in touch with the medical profession, so I wonder why he isn’t more self-aware?

There were slight inconsistencies within the narrative. For example, when Rupert first returns to his flat he notices that it is a mess, but then takes his time lining up objects on the coffee table. This, to me, seems at odds. Are we to assume that it was one of his “alters” that left the flat untidy? This needed to be clearer, I think.
In choosing first person present as your narrative POV you invite the audience into the most intimate of places. Yet, strangely, I ended up feeling completely alienated from Rupert. Part of this is the inherent trap of first person with its constant referencing to the “I”, but I also felt that it was to do with the representation of Rupert himself. He has a rather formal way of speaking, as evidenced in his lack of verbal contractions which I presume sets him up to be of a middle/upper class persuasion. Unfortunately, this lent a rather stuffy feel to his narrative which was both alienating and slightly odd. I wonder if you had tried rewriting a couple of chapters in third person and seeing where this took you? I think it might help with the audience’s identification with Rupert, and free you from some of the inherent problems of first person. I say this having done the same with my own MS recently and it has been strangely liberating. In addition, the bonus of third person is that it creates a narrative distance from the protagonist, which might be to your advantage thematically, given Rupert’s disorder.

Elsewhere I found your presentation of the other characters in the MS sometimes too “on the nose”. The effect of this, again, was to dilute the dramatic impact of Rupert’s problems. For example, given the rather annoying little pricks that Rupert encounters at each of his auditions, I think it would be fair to say that MOST people would react in the way that Rupert does. Same with his therapist’s neighbour. It would be far more dramatic and far more funny if the MC’s behaviour was completely irrational. It would heighten the suspense for the audience, I feel, and their sense of not knowing what was going to happen next.

Angus comes across as a rather stock therapist character and, though possibly accurate, I felt it was a wasted opportunity to create a viable subplot with Rupert.

And, as previously mentioned, I think you do need these subplots: Rupert’s story is very linear at present and this can be problematic for pacing as well as for enhancing the effect of him being rather egocentric. I understand that he will have a subplot with the make-up girl later in the MS but either some tightening of the narrative, or the introduction of another dramatic thread is needed earlier on, I feel.

Your writing is very visual; a legacy of your profession as a screenwriter, and your MS reads smoothly and elegantly in places, especially in terms of setting. As already mentioned, it is not these elements that need working on so much as character and plot. I would have liked to have seen more dimension to Rupert as he has the potential to be an excellent character. At the moment, however, I have very little sense of him as a three dimensional personality.

God, this sounds all rather gloomy, Mick, and I in no way intend it to be other than constructive. The time I have taken with the book is testament to my belief in your strengths as a writer and I really hope you can see this. I think you have a promising novel that offers something different to the market. It might be worth your while reading Greg Levin’s excellent “A Noble Profession”. It is not dissimilar in intent to “Split” and illustrates many of the pointers I’ve recommended above as well as some of the same problems AS I PERCEIVE THEM. I have also done a crit for Greg, which you may or may not want to look at.

Good luck with this; I look forward to seeing where you take it next.

With very warm regards,

Wiz

A Small Death

http://www.authonomy.com/books/38849/a-small-death/#comment_820850

Good comedy is notoriously hard to write - especially as a 1st person narrative - but you've done a stand-out job, Mick. I LOVE the 'voice' - dry, witty, observant and ever so slightly deranged. My favourite line so far? Well, that's easy: "How was that for you, cocksucker?" I'm dying to use that sometime, lol!

Six stars for this, and will return to read more.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Milllionaires

At times verging on the picaresque, the narrative rolls along enjoyably. London is a character with whom he has to engage. I was unsure if the outburst of rage at the casting was an intended as an instance of multiple personality disorder. I'm no expert but I'm not sure it's as neat as that. Very readable, though. I'll come back with some more thoughts later.

Martin Taylor

This is great. Very easy to fall into thanks to strong writing and a nice steady pace. The pitch interested me and I was very pleased to find the writing and storyline didn't disappoint.

I didn't read as much as I'd like, but I'll try and come back for more.

Good luck.
Diana
Pascual's Birthday
Ps I'm one of the random shoppers in Boots. I can never remember what I went in for...

Mick, I'm sorry it took me so long to read this! It's written wonderfully! Such an enjoyable read! Chapter one has one typo... kerb should be curb I believe.... You write in an easy flowing fashion, and your story line is both intriguing and funny! Have enjoyed it so far! I'll move you up to my shelf on my next rotation! Good luck with this! Jacque (Upside Down)

Finally backing your work, sorry for the delay!
jim

Mick, this is a great, funny read! Looking forward to you posting more! Good luck with it, I'm putting it up on my shelf! Hope it finds it way to the editors desk! Grey

I found this a very polished and professional piece of writing. It captured my attention right away and kept it. I didn’t find it slow at all, as some of your early readers did. It has some great descriptions and some lovely, funny lines. My favourite was the one about throwing Dolores to the Brothers. And my favourite chapter was Ch.7.

The one thing I wasn’t too sure about was the injection of the political rant in Ch.5 as it seemed a little out of place. There were a couple of typos in Ch.7: “less witnesses” should be “fewer witnesses”; “AIDs” should be “AIDS”.

But, based on the start, this is looking a fine story. I enjoyed reading it very much. Best wishes with it.

I can see why Leelah recommended this so highly. You portray the character so vividly and describe the feelings with such precision. I can't think of anything I'd change. I'm star-rating this and backing it now.
Gill

I don't like this . I L O V E LOVE LOVE THIS ! I am slowly reading each paragraph, to allow them doing their thing with my mind. I slowly taste them, my body shakes, I cry, I laugh. I remember reading the first part of Nabokov's LOLITA 30 years ago: the same feeling of being meditated with, tasting the exquisite precision and image-making in the narrative.
It floats, it is meditation, it is poetry, it is true. It feels like I have found my best friend ever, and I shudder when I recognize this utter sensitivity of an artist - how beautiful it is, and how lonely one is - until one meets another one, like you.
I love how the protagonist notices the gum-smears on the pavements disappearing when he leaves Boots the Chemist. (Boots is my chemist too, by the way :-))
I would buy this the second it is published. It will be.
Leelah saachi, "When fear comes home to Love"

Original pitch. I love it. I had a book on here once about an actress suffering from bipolar. Great minds think alike :)

Best new read I have come across on this site for a while. The pitch is great – had me hooked anyway. The eloquent first person narration kept me reading in a way that ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time’ did a few years back. Rupert is as good a creation as Mark Haddon’s ‘autistic spectrum’ afflicted Christopher. That queue at Boots with which we open is great writing. The injured dove, the messy flat, that first audition were all read by me quickly. I wondered about how he could recreate such a precisely observed scenario there if he had forgotten everything that happened after the director said ‘Lose the hat.’ A minor nit. Rupert is stunning throughout. Loved his angry Quaker audition. I am sure a number of lesser actors would kill for this multiple personality disorder affliction. Please upload more of his adventures soon. I have no suggestions for your writing at all. I wonder if you could give Rupert a flatmate though. We could perhaps use another pair of eyes on him and it may help you reduce the number of sentences beginning in ‘I.’ Apart from that possibility I am not sure that you could improve the opening chapters to this much.On my W/L

Hullo again, Mick. I returned to provide an addendum to my earlier posted remarks concerning the font--with your modifications it is now perfectly legible for online reading. I also wanted to let you know that you're featured on my website today. (You'll find yourself and your excellent tome as the top post in the Featured Authors section.)

Very best of luck with 'Split'. I think it's a real winner and it'll be on my bookshelf here at HC shortly.

CHEERS to you, Sir, and best wishes--
E.R.

Ch. 1

Well Mick, I don't think you'll have any trouble at all transitioning from screenplays to novels. After all, we authors have been thoroughly brainwashed into thinking that a movie deal is the only purpose for writing a book anymore.

Best of luck (but you won't need it).

Tone. Voice. Character. Flow. Description. Heart. Story. It was ALL there. You are a superb writer. There’s really nothing I can say to improve your writing. You know what has to been done and you execute it extremely well. You are already a professional in my eyes. The way you have with words is amazing. one that stood out for me was when you MC assumed the role of a vet when trying to help the bird. By the way, him taking the bird home just made me become intrigued by this guy. What a great mysterious guy he was.

Loved when the Alzheimer guy leaves the line and you say that he will remember later he came for his Alzheimer’s prescription. LOL.

Just the people leaving the line made your beginning flow and move very fast. It was genius to me. Pretty sure you didn’t do that on purpose but it came out as brilliant.

The way when you transition into the paragraph: ‘Five minutes later, . . .” was just out of this world. It said soooo much. You didn’t go into telling about you encounter with the pharmacy. You just moved on as though there are certain things that annoys him and focuses on. I am in awe of that moment right there. 6 stars. Future shelf.

Sorry I took so long to get to you story. Oh, you might want to split the chapter in two. People don’t like long chapters on this site or do I. At least for the first chapter.

Mick,

My return read as promised.

I went all the way to the middle of chapter 6 as uploaded here. You are a good writer. I think your foremost strength is the good sense of pace in a scene. In your excerpt I would say that the pace of the story is a bit slow for me, but the inner pace of the scenes was the main reason I kept reading.

Your MC feels a bit detached from his surroundings, and I can see you choosing this before you started writing.His thoughts -borderline ramblings- were interesting enough to keep me reading, up to the point where he introduced his second "alias" Peter Gould.

The way you describe the images around him as he does things or as he walks by, was captivating. I havent encountered this kind of skill often and it is enjoyable on its own merit.

What I found disturbing was the pace of the plot. The moment I stopped I went to the pitches to read what it was all about. I see that there would have been incidents if I kept reading, but I would reconsider bringing these incidents a touch earlier in the opening chapters, if I were you.

I see you are an accomplished scriptwriter in the info of your profile. You ve had plenty of writing experience and, apart from the plot's pace, it does show. You may obviously discard my point of view if you find it not to your liking.

All the best with your story,

Yannis
The Book of the Forsaken

Yes, yes, yes, yes! (The font, however, no, no, no, no.)

But, even with my eyes crossed now, I can still see that this is simply gorgeous writing--congratulations. And accordingly it's on my lists/s.

CHEERS and very best of luck with it--
E.R.

Hi Mick,
I have to say I disagree with the below reviews about this being a slow starter or exhausting to read. I found myself drawn to the main character immediately in that I was interested by him, even if he’s not particularly likeable at this stage. In fact, I read all seven chapters and I’m now torn between being intrigued to see chapters with the other two personas you mention in your long pitch and more on just this “normal” one. You’ve captured obsessive character traits very effectively and I find Rupert immensely believable.
I found this to be extremely well written and obviously painstakingly checked for accuracy so I’m almost embarrassed (but not quite as I can be something of a pedant) to point out a couple of typos.
Chapter 6 has “sixth” instead of “six stories below.”
Chapter 7 needs a capital S for the sentence beginning “sitting in the back with my seatbelt…”
All in all, I found this a most enjoyable read. I had no hesitation in backing your book and will check back regularly in the hope you post more chapters.
Best

Nice job, Mick. I love your writing style--honest and easy to read. Highly rated. A pleasure to back.

Dear Mick, I just read the pitch, and sense the energy of confusion :-) Maybe I am picking up the energy of the one with MPD - I have read lots of books about people having that, and also had patients ( I am an expressive arts therapist.) The first chapter has, to me personally at least, the energies of wantnig to say too much at the same time, i felt exhausted and had to stop reading.
In topics like these, one needs a lot of good editing I think :-)
I hope you find a good one - it is such a worthy endeavour to write about what happens when the mind splits - and that we all have these splits within us, but not everybody as critical as in your hero's case.
If you would like to read a bit from my book, it is called "When fear comes home to Love"
best of luck
Leelah Sacchi

Hi Mick,
You asked me to take a look at your book. My opinion is just that, for what it's worth, so bear that in mind as others may feel differently.
I have a book on my shelf at the moment with a similar theme. Depressed adult taking stock of his life, his surroundings etc. I am definitely not a lover of first person present tense, but if the voice is natural it sometimes works for me.
I've read quite a few novels written by screen writers and they rarely get the voice right first time. Forgive me for saying, but It seems as if you are still in screen mode. I really wanted to like it, 'specially since it is set in South London. But to be honest, I'm not quite feeling it.
The opening, in Boots the chemist seemed to go on for ever. I'd like to hear a gritty and natural voice. I think with first person, it's quite okay to use contractions in the narrative to make it sound like natural speech and add a little personality. Voice plays a big part for me when reading. I have to be able to feel what the character is feeling, to hear his voice, imagine how he speaks. Right now, I'm not interested in Rupert enough to care for him.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, it's just my initial reaction to the first chapter. I'll read a couple more chapters later, maybe it's just a slower starter.

Thanks for taking a look. I appreciate your time and the comments you made. I think it's a slow start because there are three characters in one and I imagined the reader would need to have a very good sense of the main one before the others were introduced. As a screenwriter, I normally go much faster. Thanks again. -M

Hi Mick,
You asked me to take a look at your book. My opinion is just that, for what it's worth, so bear that in mind as others may feel differently.
I have a book on my shelf at the moment with a similar theme. Depressed adult taking stock of his life, his surroundings etc. I am definitely not a lover of first person present tense, but if the voice is natural it sometimes works for me.
I've read quite a few novels written by screen writers and they rarely get the voice right first time. Forgive me for saying, but It seems as if you are still in screen mode. I really wanted to like it, 'specially since it is set in South London. But to be honest, I'm not quite feeling it.
The opening, in Boots the chemist seemed to go on for ever. I'd like to hear a gritty and natural voice. I think with first person, it's quite okay to use contractions in the narrative to make it sound like natural speech and add a little personality. Voice plays a big part for me when reading. I have to be able to feel what the character is feeling, to hear his voice, imagine how he speaks. Right now, I'm not interested in Rupert enough to care for him.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, it's just my initial reaction to the first chapter. I'll read a couple more chapters later, maybe it's just a slower starter.

Thanks, Julius. -M

Hello Mick,

Heighten ordeals that you started your story with, say in the store and in the queues are very attractive to the reader, compelling him/her read on. At least, I was.

Read on.

JULIUS B [Destined to Triumph]