Book Jacket

 

rank 766
word count 20032
date submitted 13.09.2011
date updated 05.12.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction,...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Asylum

Timothy Lincoln

The mutants control the streets. However, Kelly Blake may hold the key to Salvation. Now, Captain Ryan parker must fight his way to the truth.

 

London 2014, the world lies in ruins. Mutants control the streets, killing people on sight. The Military takes charge of setting up outposts in all the major cities to find survivors.

Late one evening, Kelly Blake walks into an outpost. Sent by a group of people holed up in a hospital, she asks the soldiers for help. Captain Ryan Parker heads out to find and bring them back to the outpost. However, nothing is ever that easy.

Now Ryan faces a race against time through the apocalyptic streets of London. Can he find the key to stopping the plague of mutants and save the world?

 
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tags

action, adventure, apocolypse, horror, mutant, scfi

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51 comments

 

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emarie wrote 450 days ago

Nice. I like that you move into the action immediately. Rearrange or change some words to show the action that way the reader will follow you where ever you choose to lead.
--emarie
Jackson Jacob Henry Brown, III

AunaJune wrote 830 days ago

Interesting idea. It's captivating and different from what it out there for most books. You have a unique introduction with your first few paragraphs, it helps create a good scene, but it felt a little dry. Also I am not sure if flat shoes click when walked on, that is more of a heel thing. Also be careful with adverbs. If used the wrong way, the reader reads them in a different tone and it takes away from the story. You have a great way of opening your book, but instead of just telling the reader, maybe show them with your words. Your voice is excellent for this sort of thing, it is just finding the way to get that across. Your dialogue is good and your story seems to have a good pacing. I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

ccb1 wrote 832 days ago

Backed and stared Asylum. Very tense and suspenseful first chapter. Kept me one edge and reading. Good job describing Kelly trying to escape the snarling mutants chasing her. Good luck on your way to the top!. Hope you will take time to look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

AunaJune wrote 834 days ago

My type of book right here. You do an excellent job of hooking the reader and making them feel like they are in the world. Great job. I haven't gotten to do a detailed-read yet, but I promise I will be back and am looking forward to it. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

RK Summers wrote 852 days ago

Very tense, very scary, very video-game-esque. Not something I would usually read, but it definitely had me hooked. A few grammar errors that could easily be fixed (I spotted a few missing commas here and there), but aside from that, I really enjoyed reading this. High stars from me :)

RK Summers
The Albion Pages

Betty Dye wrote 857 days ago

I don't usually read this sort of a book ( unless I'm on the train for a very long journey) but you certainly have something, pace possibly, empathy as well, I genuinely wanted to know how the characters carried on with the narrative. And a good descriptive eye.
However it reads like a first draft, bits of repetition, some sentences which need shortening , some tightening up of punctuation( I am one to talk, I am useless at punctuation) ,. and a bit predictable eg Ryan breathed deeply. .....soft blue eyes!!!!
You are much too young to look at 'Jasmin Garibaldi lived in a Biscuit factory' by Elizabeth Dye but see what you think of FALLING THROUGH THE cRACKS by Betty Dye . I have never written ghost stories before and where these came from I do not know.

Jynecca wrote 858 days ago

i definitely like the story line but it could use some fine tuning. Some of the sentences are wordy and unnecessary to make your point. They could be rewritten into a more efficient/effective format.

Chelle Ang wrote 858 days ago

While you do have a definite voice, your story needs proper editing to make the story tighter. Not to worry, all beginning writers make the same mistakes which can be rectified with editing. Just in the first chapter alone there are too many tears and growls and it appears that Kate can't figure out what her emotions are. Keep tightening this story by removing unnecessary words, reworking a few sentences and making sure that every word counts toward moving the story forward. Good luck.

Philip el Pallasso wrote 862 days ago

Seems a dangerous world to live in, I love it. It shows the threats they face on a day to day basis very well as the reader is dumped right in the middle of the chaos. Punctuation could do with a touch up though.

junetee wrote 863 days ago

A very exciting pitch.
From the very first paragraph I was pulled into the action. You grabbed my attention with your excellent and very detailed style of writing. It flows really well.
I have a personal interest in the storyline - due to the fact that my own book has a similar one. Yours has a different angle of course, and one that is more sci fi than mine, because mine is a supernatural fantasy. Both books have psychic/telepathic messaging in their storyline too.
But although you write so well, you still have some editing problems which I noticed - the one that mainly stood out was the word 'cloths' which should be 'clothes'. I think even if you don't change anything else just yet, it wouldn't hurt to change that, because it really sticks out like a sore thumb.
I agree with a few other comments before mine with some of the other things, like the piece about the crowbar, the clicking and flat heels etc. I had quite a few simple mistakes in my book and I spent days sieving through them, but theyre easy mistakes to make.
Overall I think your book is great, and for the short time its been on the site it has done brilliantly.
Good luck with it. I give you 5 stars.
Junetee(Four Corners)
(Iook forward to reading your comments on my book as we agreed some days ago)

junetee wrote 863 days ago

A very exciting pitch.
From the very first paragraph I was pulled into the action. You grabbed my attention with your excellent and very detailed style of writing. It flows really well.
I have a personal interest in the storyline - due to the fact that my own book has a similar one. Yours has a different angle of course, and one that is more sci fi than mine, because mine is a supernatural fantasy. Both books have psychic/telepathic messaging in their storyline too.
But although you write so well, you still have some editing problems which I noticed - the one that mainly stood out was the word 'cloths' which should be 'clothes'. I think even if you don't change anything else just yet, it wouldn't hurt to change that, because it really sticks out like a sore thumb.
I agree with a few other comments before mine with some of the other things, like the piece about the crowbar, the clicking and flat heels etc. I had quite a few simple mistakes in my book and I spent days sieving through them, but theyre easy mistakes to make.
Overall I think your book is great, and for the short time its been on the site it has done brilliantly.
Good luck with it. I give you 5 stars.
Junetee(Four Corners)
(Iook forward to reading your comments on my book as we agreed some days ago)

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 866 days ago

The 1st chapter throws the reader right into the action and grabs your attention right from the word go. I agree with some of the other comments in particular the clutching the crowbar like a shield. Maybe clutching the crowbar to protect her? I like the idea of telepathic messaging; it sets the story apart from the hundreds of novels out there with similar themes. If you take a look at my novel Pain you will see that I am very much into telepathic/psychic elements. It's hard to believe you have only been writing for a relatively short time. You obviously have a talent for it. Your writing style is good and it flows very well. With a bit of tweaking here and there Asylum should do well.

Kim

Brian Downes wrote 868 days ago

London overrun with hideous creatures. It kind of reminds me of growing up outside Cleveland, Ohio, but with PG Tips instead of Maxwell House.

I've read the first two chapters, and have a few notes on technical issues.

Chapter One

Throughout Chapter one, you use the word "cloths" where I think you mean "clothes". "Clothes" are garments like t-shirts, jeans, and blouses. "Cloths" are pieces of of material made by weaving, knitting, or a similar process. Clothes are often made out of cloth.

"Clothes" is a rotten word for a writer, because it's too blurry. If you said that Kelly was wearing a business suit, or a sun dress, or a bathrobe, it would give a more vivid and intriguing picture.

You refer to Parker "lowering the gun", and to the soldiers who "slung the assault rifles across their shoulders". Why don't you say "his gun" and "their assault rifles"?

Parker says, "There are ones we haven't seen yet," except he's talking about the shrieking mutants he encountered shortly before he says that, so he has seen them. "There are ones we haven't seen before" would be better.

Why does Parker suggest assigning snipers to defend the shrieker's body overnight? Who are they defending it against?

Chapter Two

Many of your sentences lack periods at the end.

Ryan "glanced out at the still streets", where "bodies littered the floor". Streets aren't typically said to have floors. "Ground", "pavement", or "asphalt" would be better choices.

The SIG P226 does not have an external safety, so it cannot be "flicked off". The P226 can either be operated in double action on the first pull of the trigger, or the operator may cock the hammer with his thumb before firing in single action. The recoil energy recocks the hammer automatically in either case, so subsequent shots are single action.

By the end of Chapter Two, I was wishing for a more detailed description of what the mutants looked like on the outside. Also, I was very curious for an explanation of how London came to be swarming with them.

Brian Thompson wrote 872 days ago

This book launches the reader into the very thick of it from the word go! What an opening, to what looks like to be a roller coaster of a story.

Just had to back this one!

Amelia W wrote 873 days ago

Hi,

Interesting opening. Good writing and flows generally well with one exception: it's rather plagued by the overuse of 'as'. Try to rework the sentences - it becomes ditracting after a while. I now wonder if I do it too. I do like to use 'as' in my sentences. Try dropping the clauses starting with 'as' altogether and see if the flow improves.
A

scoz512 wrote 874 days ago

Hey so I'm really liking the flow of the first two chapters so far. I can honestly say without just tryig to be nice that I'm very interested in finding out what happens and reading on. Some things I think you do really well are the descriptions of your attacks : "Bullets screaming like hornets (chp 1)" and The bullet caught the twisted creature between the eyes, shattering bone and tearing through the brain (chp 2)" Nicely gets to my senses. Also, I think the flow in general is a good pace.

I checked out the statements below and I disagree with the guy not sure what to do about the crowbar and shield thing. I get the idea you are going for, you want us to see her using it like the only defense between her and the nightmare right? (No offense, T.Lamond, that's just my opinion). I do, however, agree with the flat shoes clicking...high heels tend to give off the clicking vibe, so that was a bit weird.

So here's a few things that tripped me up:

First, I was just wondering what was going on with your spacing. Is it intentional? I just found the double space between each paragraph a bit weird. Also, a few misused "your" instead of "You're" and "were" instead of we're" and "Their" instead of "they're." At times, I found a few missing punctuations when the dialogue rapidly goes back and forth, but to be perfectly honest, they didn't stop me or take away from the overall flow.

Chp 1- "building noise..."(was used as the verb, then used again a few words later as the noun) This was a bit confusing, maybe use a different verb like "growing noise"

"Right you lot get up here" probably needs a space like: "Right. You lot..." or "Right, you lot." This in itself is not a big deal, but I noticed a few other times that similarly could have used a comma or a sentence break.

Chp 2- I love the way Kelly and Ryan talk over the body later when they examine it. I can feel where you are going with their connection, but I feel like it was a bit abrupt from chp 1. I only say this because they had one private oment where only Ryan smiles to himself at her comment in the first chapter and then after their recon mission, the other soldier jokingly calls her his girlfriend. Again, I can see where you are going with them and I like it, I just think it needs a little more develoment. I actually wondered if they knew each other before...I'm still a bit confused although I think reading the next chapters will be beneficial and I'm sorry I I sound like a jerk for not finishing the story yet.

Again, these are just a few opinions. Take them as you will!

Sara

T. Lamond wrote 883 days ago

As you requested, I did read through the chapters you had available. Since you signed up for my "no-holds-barred" package, I've given you a lot of comments.

I'm afraid that these notes are more like what I would scrawl in the margins of a MS and not laid out in a nice and literary way.

In summery: I really enjoyed reading this. Not only did you a unique cause of the Zombie Apoc, but you dished out the back story in bite-size pieces that tantalized me and kept urging me forward. Excellent. Outstanding even.

I am giving you three stars for most, mostly because because of rough edges. I understand this is a rough draft and I know it will improve with edits. Congrats, this is the first book I'm adding to my 'Watch' list.

In order to understand my notes, it might help to understand that I am a very visual thinker. As I read your words I could (usually) see them acted out in front of me, as though watching a movie. As a result I tend to catch a lot of continuity issues.

So, to begin:

Chapter 1:
I'm having a hard time imagining clutching a crowbar like a shield. I don't have one here to try with, however. Pick up a crow bar (or an appropriate length ruler) and imagine what you'd do with it he jumped from behind by a single one of these creatues. Act it out. I've found that really gives me a better "feeling" in action scenes.

Sounds like she is trying to move quietly. Is there a particular reason her flats are clicking?

When I think of blood freezing in the veins, I think of a kind of heart-stopping, body-binding terror. I picture someone frozen helpless, not running faster. Do I have a poor understanding of the term?

Run in "Nice straight lines?" Mind you, everything I know about military tactics comes from watching the telly, but I've always heard zig-zag patterns make you harder to catch. If a straight line, which is the body's natural reaction, is so important I'd try to mention it there.

It sounds like she is in a race to that door. At this point, I have no idea what is chasing her but I find myself asking "If she can fight it off with the crowbar, why doesn't she? Better to turn around and fight now then be jumped from behind."

"Head for the main gate?" Are those not what is front of her? In which case "KEEP COMING" or even "COME ON!" seems more appropriate.

Somewhere in here I get lost while reading and I went back to double-check things. First it seems the woman is safe inside the gate .. Then the soliders go across the catwalk, then they are jumped? Is it a catwalk or gate? Or a catwalk over a gate and one of the /things/ jumped really high?

From Kelly's conversation with the General, she is accepted quickly. We find out later she isn't part of the group. Perhaps to help her become quickly accepted by these people she should do something for me ... act as a field medic and save someone's life, for example. That also helps define her character as a doctor as well as generates the goodwill she'll need.

Chapter 2:
"Why did I volunteer?" he asked himself. or whispered to himself.

Lots of missing commas before ending quotes. The sort of stuff I assume will be cleaned up in editing later.

"Their right their" -- "They're right there."

"Don't look"? Why not? Does the enemy wait till they can see the whites of their eyes?

"Fall were dead" -- "Fall and we're dead"

GREAT LINE! "Cutting them up after is serial killer territory."

Another great line. "Helps to have someone to repair broken people."

Chapter 3:
In that much chaos, how was the General able to check the file of a civilian doctor? [Edit -- Ah, this is somewhat resolved later on, but I did question it while I read, so I'll leave the note here.] You don't have to answer that in the text itself, but in order to be consistant with your world you'll need to have the answer to that one somewhere in your thoughts.

"She isn't military, we can't tell her what to do?" In peacetimes, maybe.
In total chaos like that I find it hard to believe that'd just let a valuable resource go "just because." Maybe Kelly has notes back in the lab she left? Or she needs to help transport some piece of equipment she needs?

Chapter 4:
For us non military geeks, it would help to have an explanation after L85.. even if it is just "L85 machine gun." (At least I'm assuming it is a machine gun as opposed to an L85 smart bomb, programmined to kill anything on sight.)

Same with the P226

The dialog here makes it sound like they have no shortage of amo. You might want to flesh out a bit more about the base where they are... some kind of fortified base with a medical research lap? Converted hospital? What we could call a National Guard Armory here stateside? Powered by generator? In that case, they are going to be wanting to converve power...

This may be another US/UK thing, but is it "Take it off my tab" or "Put it on my tab?" The second form is what we use here.
Oops. Poker game. Different usage entirely. Ne'er mind.

Walked through a small door to a cavernous space? Now I'm really having a hard time imagining where they are at. Perhaps even hints about inside/outside might help... or "stepped through a small door in the hill to a hidden aircraft hanger."

"She is a doctor so we should be OK if we hit trouble," he hesitated slightly.

The hesitated is now modifying the wrong phrase.

"She is a doctor so we should be OK if we hit trouble." Then, he hesitated slightly. "However, she has only basic training with the weapons. Show her which end NOT to grab if she asks, will ya?"

At this point, Kelly can give us a hint about what she thinks of these guys.

"I know," replied Kelly, her voice firm with conviction.
or
"I know," replied Kelly, hoping her voice sounded more confident then it really was.


Ah... Orders from London! Here is a clue that there still is a real bit of organization somewhere. Maybe somewhere in the beginning you can have a comment like this.

-- And be sure to radio London that we have another surviver. They'll want to add her name to the various surviver lists.

Chapter 5:
This chapter -- The ideas behind this chapter are brilliant.
Now we finally have the 'Who' and 'What,' though we are lacking the 'Why' part.

Chapter 6:
This would be a good place to mention add a bit more flavor to the world. Anything from the potential stench of that many dead bodies to a clue about what might be in the sky. Smog? An orbiting blimp? How nasty is the water now?

I don't know much farther in the future your story is set, but you might be able to add local color with comments like "Hey look guys! There isn't a line at Starbucks!" If you know London, or have a friend who knows London, mentioning specific landmarks can also help add realism. You can also add landmarks that exist only in your world.

"Maggots crawling from open wound?" If the disaster was over a year go (which is the impression because the mil base has been there for a year) then you wouldn't have maggots... The comments about the burned out cars being rusted also give clues that the chaos happened some time ago.

Feel free to ignore this part, most fiction ignores it. I include it so you can make the conscience decision to ignore it. Unless treated, gasoline (petrol) goes bad in six months to a year. Treated, you might get three years out of it. In reality, it is unlikely that any motor engine would start, though they always start in Hollywood.

Chapter 7:
Again, a great chapter that adds nicely to the pacing and development of the plot.

Chapter 8:
You are throwing out some new names here ... Perhaps before the rescue party left, you could have a brief introduction of the rescue party characters and what roll they play?

I love this exchange
"Is it likely to kill us?" "No" "It'll wait then."

More great development -- we know what the creatures are and how they showed up.

Chapter 9:
Nothing really to say on this one

Chapter 10:
Another great line --
"No, I just didn't know you could write."

Leroy_Smith wrote 883 days ago

Hi,

I'm new to this so I'm not sure how to give a good critique. It was a good read to start off with. It falls in line with the normal genres I read. I gave you five stars. Not sure if the stars will help or how those work. Best of luck to you.

Leroy

Ian Walkley wrote 893 days ago

Hi Timothy
I loved 28 days later, so I’m thinking I would probably enjoy this story. You have good writing skills, and I feel Asylum just needs a little tweaking and some good editing to get it up to scratch. Congratulations.
Title: Asylum to me suggests a psychiatric institution story, not a dystopian or scifi horror story. Maybe give that some thought.
Short Pitch: A little confusing with the two different names there. How are they linked? Who is the key character? Parker needs a capital P. “Fights his way to the truth” sounds a little wishy washy for a gritty horror thriller.
Long Pitch: Good. “asks the soldiers for help” is a little weak.
Ch1: I like the opening. Great description, puts reader into Kelly’s POV immediately.
1st para “that she had taken” is a bit wordy. Get rid of the “that”.
Where you use direct thinking, maybe put it in italics (eg “Keep your eyes forward and scan for obstacles…” Otherwise, you’re mixing past and present tense and it’s confusing.
9th para “as she looked around her.” Should be just “as she looked around.”
Full stop missing after “General” and a few other places too.
“I said that I would take a look.” Doesn’t really sound like true dialogue. Maybe read out aloud and see what you think. I’d say “I said I’d take a look.”
Best wishes for the book,
Ian

baughmama wrote 901 days ago

I enjoyed your opening chapter. It puts the reader right in the action. Moves along at a good pace. You've got good imagery going for you. I'd like to ''see'' the enemy a little more, though. I'm sure you get to that later, though. Dialogue is realistic. I didn't notice many gramatical or punctuation errors. I noted a few things for you to consider.

1. Early on in the chapter, you use "speeded", which is fine, but in this instance, I think 'sped' would go better.
2. "It's ok, you're safe," he told her,...
comma after 'ok', 'you're' rather than 'your'
3. Tears rolled down her cheeks, cutting a clean patch through the dirt and grime that covered her faces.
typo-should be 'face' rather than 'faces'
4. "My name's Sergeant Ryan Parker, Royal Marine Commandos," he motioned towards her, "What's your name?"
There should be an apostrophe before the 's' in 'names'. I would leave off the "he asked" at the end of this sentence. There's an instance later on where you spell Sergeant incorrectly.
5. He looked into her soft grey eyes, feeling a warmth building inside him.
I just reworded it. Just a suggestion.
6. "I can't ask you too..."
should be 'to', rather than 'too' here.
7. "I volunteer," he grabbed...
comma after 'volunteer'
I noticed a few more instances where there were missing commas, but forgot to make note.

I'll read more when I can. I hope this is helpful to you. Please take what you like and discard the rest. I look forward to hearing your comments on my book when you get the chance. I wish you luck with this. Highly starred.

Philthy wrote 906 days ago

Hi Timothy,

Finally got the chance to check out Asylum, and I’m really in the mood for this type of read, so I’m kind of excited :P.

Below are my findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions.

The third line in the short pitch doesn’t work for me. Or let me put it another way. The second sentence doesn’t bridge to the third sentence, so it’s kind of random and could be clearer.

Military should not be capitalized in the long pitch.

Finds should be find

Your long pitch is actually pretty good. Much better than most I’ve read on here. Though there are a couple lines I think could be condensed. No biggie, though.

Chapter one

I would start the first sentence with her name instead of “she”

I’m not sure I like the imagery of her hair sticking to her head. Does her hair normally not stick to her head, which suggests she wears a wig or toupee? See what I mean?

“through the dirt” I’d add “through the dirt on her face” for clarity.

“as she speeded up, breaking into a jog…” two things. First, speeded up should be sped up. Second, I’d condense this to say “as she broke into a jog”

“Nice straight lines her brain reminded her.” I’d change this to “Nice, straight lines, she reminded herself” It reads better and if she’s thinking it, italicize it.

“Ahead a burnt out car loomed” This is a strange clause. Do cars burn out? Don’t you mean a broken down car? And do cars loom? I don’t see it.

Check out your four consecutive paragraphs here. One starts with “Ahead,” the next “Behind her” the next “Behind her” and the next “Ahead of her.” Her head is all over the place. Keep the directions together and vary it up a bit.

You have some very good imagery, such as “The knuckles on her right hand whitened as she held the crowbar in a death grip…” Good stuff.

As you probably saw with my story, I love the fast-paced thriller, so this really grabs me. I think it could use a scrub, but that’s no biggie. Good stuff! An enjoyable read with some nice imagery that really draws the reader in.
I’ll recommend this to folks as a good Halloween read. Best of luck!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

KenFloyd wrote 910 days ago

Almost missed this in my previous post. Capitalize "Blake" in your one-liner. You have it as "Kelly blake".

Ken

KenFloyd wrote 910 days ago

Great first chapter! I added this to my watchlist. I'm a huge fan of a strong hook in the opening chapter and this has plenty of action. I would take the third sentence in the very first paragraph and move it to the front. It doesn't force you to edit the other sentences and it immediately evokes an image of a strong lead female character. It would make a great opening sentence. Looking forward to reading more!

Ken Floyd
Waves of Regret

Cool1 wrote 911 days ago

Timothy: I have only had the time to read the first two chapters of Asylem, but will want to read the rest soon. I like how the story is going and it makes me want to read on.
Cool1
Rich

Trent Aitken-Smith wrote 911 days ago

Timothy, Tim, Timmy, T

Loved that you banged straight into the action from the off, nothing pleases me more than getting stuck right in with it. Your writing flows and imagery is good Other than that, I can't do these kinds of stories. I'm not a zombie, mutant, action man. But I think you are onto a good 'un there.

A. C. Glasier wrote 911 days ago

You write like a writer at the cusp of professionalism. Lots of awesome, original imagery and metaphor, you have a great imagination. I can gather the sense of apocalypse you've inherited from reading "The Stand" (I read the uncut version ;D).

This first chapter is an amazing start - you've even added the beginnings of a romance. From what I gather, this first chapter has served to provide an impression of what the rest of the book will sound like.

As for criticism, you tend to switch character perspectives between Ryan and Kelly. Each chapter or section should be narrated through only one character's lens. So I'd suggest, since I see you really need both Ryan and Kelly's, that you divide the chapter into smaller sections. Or else you could leave Kelly around to watch Ryan and his team fight the mutant onslaught and decide what he's thinking through what she sees of his expression and dialogue. When it comes to writing (as for film, music, and every other art form) if you're going to break the rules, you need to have a good reason for doing so.

I'm going to back your book. I'd read it all if I weren't in the heat of my semester. Sorry to spam you, but I hope you can get around to critiquing my short book "Cries in Heaven."

-Adam

Joshua Jacobs wrote 913 days ago

First off, this reads smoother than your previous novels. Great improvement! Along the way, there were a few things I caught that could possibly be improved.

"Her normally soft blonde hair stuck to her head in a matted mess, matching closely with the blood and grim that covered her ripped cloths." First, it should be "clothes." Second, the idea that her blonde hair matched the blood and grim didn't work for me. If anything, I think they would contrast.

Should be "...as she sped up..."

"Head up and arms to the side, body flowing into a singular rhythm of speed as she surged forward" is a fragment. It isn't a complete thought. Maybe: "Head up and arms to the side, her body flowed into a singular rhythm of speed as she surged forward."

I'm in the camp of italicizing thoughts, but that's more of a personal preference. To me, it keeps you from sounding like you're jumping tenses.

You use a very similar sentence structure throughout this opening. Lots of, "Feet pounded on the tarmac, following the same route that she had taken." Mix it up so this doesn't sound repetitive.

The sentence, "Her chest burned as it fought a losing battle..." is a run-on. Break it up or connect it properly (semi-colon or comma and a conjunction).

I'd avoid the repetition of "filled the air" with "bullets filled the air" and "shouting filled the air." Then you also say, "...rippled through the air" and "screams split the air." "Roiled through the air" and "lungfuls of air" come soon after. Then you have "thick metal" and "thick air." Just make sure you comb through this and keep your sentences and word choice original.

This is intense. I'm loving it.

Should be: "...placing his hand lightly on the solid steel."

"...covered her faces." How many faces does she have? I think you mean face. I hope you don't mean feces!

Wracking sobs not racking sobs.

Need a comma after she introduces herself for the first time. In fact, there are a few places where the punctuation in your dialogue is off. I'd consider reviewing the rules on this.

Some of the descriptions become a little repetitive. Once you describe something (i.e. bullets flying through the air) you don't need to do it again.

"The dark shapes moved, fear mixed with..." is a run-on.

I think you're missing a comma in "The mutilated form convulsed head jolting backwards..."

"Every soldier," not "every solider."

Do you mean spanning the now still road? Silence can't scan, but it can span.

"My guess would be extra frontal lobe growth causing a tendency towards feats of telepathic messaging." Cool. That's all I have to say. Very cool.

My only other suggestion is to focus a bit more on character growth. You have an intense scene with lots of action and vivid descriptions, but this would be even stronger if the reader got to know your characters better by the end of the first chapter. Give us some reason to care if they live or die.

Other than that, this is a solid start. I look forward to reading more and wish you the best with this!

eloravelle wrote 913 days ago

Wow from the get go this is just nicely done and it fills me with a rush just reading. I am not really into books like this normally. But I must say this a truly good start, pretty keen eye for detail and a very vivid imagination you have here. I am glad you asked me to look at it. I will set this on my watchlist for now, and read a bit more then will back it soon enough. Yah leave me questioning at the intro by just reading the pitch and you finish off the first chapter nicely.

The part with the crowbar, I literally said out loud, "oh snap whats that for." Hee hee. Hmmm. Some parts seem a little bit cliche, and I notice a few typo errors but its fine. I cant wait to see what happens next or why Kelly was there with that crowbar in the first place.

best of luck to yah,

Eloravelle :)

Cwgardner wrote 913 days ago

Tried to put it on my bookshelf, but it seems to be having some kind of malfunction. I know it doesn't mean as much but I backed it in spirit.

Amethyst-jade wrote 914 days ago

this is really good i like it a lot future based with an incredible twist nice

D M Sharples wrote 914 days ago

Timothy,

This has a fast paced start that soon develops into a story with the themes I'd expect from post-apocalyptic work: a ragtag bunch of people, supported by remnants of the military and offering imagery of humankind being under serious threat.

In terms of criticism, I think the sentence structuring needs some polishing, particularly with regards to grammar. Also, try and drop a few of the adjectives, as they tend to detract from the reading experience. Use context instead to describe how things are and how they look.

D M Sharples.

1x80 wrote 916 days ago

Well paced, interesting read, I'm going to come back to this. End of the World style films or books aren't usually my thing, but this is good so I'm making an exception.

Kris Mikelson wrote 920 days ago

Wow you are good for your age! You have a good grasp of what Kelly is going through - perhaps a bit more setting at the beginning so that the reader can get a sense of where and when and a more ominous feel for what she is up against. I like the growls in the darkness.
Impressive!
Kris

Timmy42 wrote 922 days ago

I have uploaded three more chapters, hope that you enjoy them

Hi Timmy,
Please upload more! The suspense is killing me!
Noelle

Noelle J. Alabaster wrote 922 days ago

Hi Timmy,
Please upload more! The suspense is killing me!
Noelle

rommyo wrote 923 days ago

If you're 21 and writing this well--just starting--I'd let stuff gush out of you and see what comes. You can tell from looking around this site that it's pretty rare to have a fully-competent sort of visceral psychological style. Wielding that sort of style is definitely the key to the stickiest, most compulsively-readable bestsellers, so I don't think it's any accident somebody might want to publish your stuff, out of the gate.

But if you're this good just starting out, you don't know what it might develop into.

Seraphim62 wrote 925 days ago

Timmy,
I love a post-apocalyptic mutant masher, and your book is no exception. The quick pacing was brilliant - there's nothing worse to me than a slow first chapter - and the dreary tone of the surrounding London streets fitted the scene perfectly.
The shrieking creature in the first chapter was a nice touch, showing that the mutants are constantly changing and their diversity is a massive challenge, but if I was you, I'd emphasise that deafening scream and give it more of an impact on the scene and build up the readers anxiety.
Other than brushing up the grammer with a fine toothcombe - something we're all guilty of - I think the story is solid, with a few twists and mysteries I look forward to discovering.
Happily backed! :)
I look forward to your comments on my work.
Jake

jlroberts wrote 926 days ago

All in all Timmy you have a very good concept... It has that post apocolyptic feeling. These types of stories are usually, "easy" sales, due to their high concept and popularity. Your first chapter moves very fast, of which is good, there are a few structure things that you need to focus on. Being that this is a first chapter and not a prologue of sorts, you need to establish a few important elements, when...where... and why... While we don't need to know everything about Kelly right up front, it would be nice to get a few nibbles of her personal history... Why should we care about her? That sort of thing. As stating, your writing style moves incredibly fast, so you can slow things a bit down, so that we can establish what is going on. Remember you're writing a book, not a screenplay. You've nailed the story...focus on the narrative.

Another thing to be careful of is repeated descriptions... such as describing Kelly holding the crowbar like a sheild. As writers, we ALL do these type of things. When you are editing keep a notepad handy (digital or paper) and make notes as to repeated phrases or descriptions and such. This will better help you during your editing process and allow a much smoother flow of story telling...

Again, I think you have a great concept. It's a bit rough right now, but the good news is, you can always add a little more polish to make it flow better. I'm gonna WL this and will back it...

writer-girl wrote 929 days ago

This book is incredibly fast moving--the kind of book that pulls you in and doesnt let go. Great world-building here. Kelly is the sort of character I'd like to be. I'd love to see this book made into a movie. It has the sort of action packed pacing that seems to do well on screen. Nicely done.

Stark Silvercoin wrote 929 days ago

Asylum is full of fast-paced action with a large and imaginative cast of characters. The settings are vivid, and adds author Timothy Lincoln’s unique vision of a future London beset on all sides by terrors and nightmares.

I found the military setting to be very well done and all of the main characters are quite believable. Kelly Blake is particularly good, and gives us a hero we can all root for as she and Captain Ryan Parker try to save the world.

There are lots of little tense mistakes and plurals that pull readers back out of the otherwise excellent story. However, these are all very minor and nothing that a first year copy editor couldn’t quickly fix. If Asylum is put through an editing process, it could be quite good. I can’t recall other books that are quite like it, and I think that would resonate well with sci-fi readers looking for a change of pace. I enjoyed the read very much and am happy to back it.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve wrote 932 days ago

Hello Timmy, and thanks for agreeing to trade first chapter critiques. I read the first chap of Asylum, and enjoyed. Here's what I came up with:

There's a number of mechanical errors, things that could be picked out in editing. Stuff like:

--'cloths' should be 'clothes'

--'speeded up' should be 'sped up'

--'forwards' should be 'forward'

But far too many to pick out in a critique. I'll focus on narrative quality instead.

--'flamethrowers sweeping their lethal tongues', I like this.

--there are a lot of sentences here that have the same/similar structure. The monotonous rhythm can take away from otherwise solid prose. This is especially noticeable in the first few paragraphs.

--I like how the story lingers on descriptive moments in the story. The short exchange between Ryan and Kelly, for instance, or the way the soldiers take down the incoming swarm. You pause here to paint the picture more clearly, and it's effective.

--The setting is good. I don't seem to recall you describing it much, but the picture in my head is clear and entertaining. Sometimes this can be credited to the reader's imagination, but more often the author's work at implication does the magic here. Good job.

That's it for now. Looking forward to hearing your notes on my work.

Take care,
-Throck

FunkyKitty wrote 935 days ago

Well, as I said, I've gone through and read it all. You've got a good cast of main characters, they're defined and seem pretty well thought out given the situations they're in. There are a few places where you use 'we'll' instead of 'well' or the other way, at that's a little distracting sometimes. It can get a bit confusing when you have all the different characters introduced quickly, but in a military type setting, its not surprising that there's a lot of characters. There's a lot of action and the story moves micely, but I think I'd prefer to see a little more information on what had happened to get to where we are at the start. Still, you've got something that gocould be brilliant with a bit of polishing.
Kitty

FunkyKitty wrote 936 days ago

Wow, this just has me begging for more. I'm so hooked, I'm going to say something I don't say very often, considering how backed up my WL is. I'm going to make time to come back a read the rest in the morning so I can give you a better comment. I love post apocalyptic stuff and you've ovbiously researched a lot of the guns and so on, something I'm not an expert on at all really, but it add to the military feel or it and gives a little extra to those who do know about them. There were some small things I noticed, but nothing that really took me out of the story. You did say something about cluthing the crowbar like a shield a couple of times which was the only thing I really felt put off by.
So, backed and rated for now and I'll give you better comment tomorrow.
Kitty

orma wrote 936 days ago

An exciting read. Pace is fast and you are plunged into the storyline almost immediately.
Reading the first chapter; there is so much going on that the tension builds really quickly, making for an exciting opening chapter.
Sargeant Ryan Parker and Kelly Blake come across as strong characters, making me want to know more about them.
I know absolutely nothing about guns, but your descriptions and naming of them adds realism to the story.
This seems to be a very exciting book and I want to read on, but time won't allow.
So I've had to settle for a brief couple of chapters.
Damn, I wanted to know more about these mysterious creatures that are attacking humans.
If this were published, I could really see myself becoming engrossed in this exciting story.

a.morrison712 wrote 941 days ago

Loved Chapter 1. There is a lot going on but you explain everything well. I'm intrigued to see what will happen next with Ryan. The closing line is great to, "Let's rock." It makes me want to read more. I am giving you high stars and good luck with your book that will be coming out soon!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Timmy42 wrote 942 days ago

In my head at the moment. I'm writing it in between sorting out the details of the book that is getting published

Hi Timothy,
Where's the rest?! Oh, the suspense!
:)
Noelle

Husband wrote 942 days ago

I very much enjoyed reading this.

Adam

Noelle J. Alabaster wrote 942 days ago

Hi Timothy,
Where's the rest?! Oh, the suspense!
:)
Noelle

CJHettema wrote 943 days ago

An action packed beginning. Enough to keep my interest. I'd read on with this one.
Dialogue seemed spot on. The only thing of note, perhaps use a few more contractions, and don't forget to put punctuation before the dialogue tag or at the end of speech.
I'll back you for a stint.
CJ- I appreciate any return comments as well.


GILLIAN.M.H wrote 944 days ago

Your opening chapter creates a gloomy, menacing atmosphere. Not one to read at bed-time if prone to nightmares.

As ASYLUM , is not to my taste in reading, I concentrated on style and looking for typos. Style excellent. Typos nil.
I can think of some friends, who I might buy this for as a present. I wish I could have written as well as you, when I was your age.

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