Mary's Magic Muffins & Other Tales for Children

CHIRG review

I've just read 'Mary and the Magic Muffins' and 'The McCoos'.

Mary - some highly imaginative scenarios which the children experience - almost something to interest every child. However, it came to a very abrupt end - it needed something more - a lesson learned perhaps. Also, somehow it would be good for Mary herself to have one of the muffin experiences - so she understands what has gone on. I liked the rhymes at the beginning yet they didn't seem to have any direct correlation with the rest of the story - it might have been nice if they had.
The McCoos - love the title and the concept of tartan cows. Short and sweet.
best
Lisa Abraham
Great Big Safari Park Stories

Just read the first story and I thought it was a wonderful piece of children's writing. It had humour, magic and plenty of relatable characters and great imagery. Overall very well done.

Brian, I am getting on a bit myself and have no children, so hardly the best person to comment; however, I found it quite enjoyable to read simple short stories and rhymes aimed at young children.

Although I agree with many of the points raised by R. Joy, he/she was a bit harsh! I guess the moral/ending of the story comment is spot on, as is the point about talking down to children - but who am I to comment!

It seems to me that, with a little polish here and there, you have a potential winner here so best of luck with it.

Cheers,

Harry
Bitches

Hi Brian. I used to live in England so it all sounds familiar to me. Would love to see some illustrations, as well as how this would look in a movie. This would really appeal to young readers. I'm sure the editing issues will be cleaned up before publishing. I would definitely buy this book.
Jim Edd

Brian-

I just read "Brainy Brian Comes to the Rescue," and I wanted to say it was much stronger and more cohesive than the first story. Again, be careful about talking down to children (8-year-olds are definitely old enough to chew gum). Also, it would make a nice contrast if you expanded the first part and showed how Brian didn't like putting up with the old folks, because then it would really emphasize his transformation as he begins working with them and later becomes their hero.

Again, an excellent idea that just needs a bit of work.
R. Joy

Brian,

I just read the first story ("Mary's Magic Muffins"), and while I really wanted to like it, I think it still has quite a ways to go. Bear in mind that I work at a literary agency, so I am speaking more from a publisher's point of view than from your average reader's perspective.

The idea is very charming and unique, and I loved the rhymes at the beginning. They were excellent. However, from there I couldn't entirely tell where the story was going. It was certainly a fun idea to show all of the children's adventures around the world (and into outer space), but I was left wondering what the point of all that was. In nearly every children's book I grew up cherishing, there was some greater point to the story--not necessarily a moral at the end, but something to indicate that the characters had gained some new knowledge or changed by the end. The lack of a final destination in this story made the rest of the adventures seem a bit empty.

The other issues I found were a bit less overarching, but they also prevented me from viewing this as a ready-to-publish work. First of all, you want to be careful not to talk down to children. There is a fine balance between making stories understandable for many ages and treating children like they know nothing. You include many details (such as those of the games and races) that require a good cultural knowledge to understand, yet you include demeaning comments such as "since hot ovens are dangerous for children to touch." It's never a good idea to talk down to your audience.

On a different note, the detail about Mary being diabetic was very awkwardly included, and did not seem necessary for the story. Maybe you were trying to increase awareness and understanding of diabetes, but the way you present it, as a label thrust unannounced into the story, probably would serve to do the opposite.

Another larger issue is the description of the adventures. Clearly you would need illustrations to accompany them, but at this point you should examine them a bit more carefully to decide which are appropriate to include. Others have mentioned the unnecessarily gory nature of the shark attack, and I had a bigger problem with the description of the football match, which relied a bit more on game technicalities than on sensory details. I'm not sure that would make sense to children unless they were fans; focus instead on creating the scene as a whole.

And finally, I know others have mentioned this, but the grammar is rather sloppy throughout. Your punctuation especially needs work.

I apologize for the harsh-sounding nature of this review; I simply wanted to give you honest feedback that you could build on, because I think your story has great potential if you are willing to spend a bit more time with it. I will be reading at least one more of your stories, because I'm very curious about what other creative ideas you've brought to life!

Good luck,
R. Joy
Beauty's Songbook

Brian,

Thanks for the opportunity to read through your stories. I enjoyed them and shared the Magic Muffins story with my five year old (minus the stabbing of shark as she doesn't take kindly to injuring animals at the moment.) She enjoyed it and it definitely got her little imagination going.

It looks like others have given you feedback on the puncuation so I will assume you have that covered. Thanks again for letting me read through it!

Best,
David Mead
The Unseen War

Hey Brian,

Third Chapter...as they say in Ireland, "Now we're digging where there's taters!"

I'm a huge football fan and you may limit your audience by selecting Man U as your team of choice for Catrina :) There are some tense issues and here for her, etc. After the many comments, I'm sure you've seen plenty of these recommendations.

I may come back and look at some of the other tales as well. Cheers and best wishes.

Mary’s Magic Muffins

What a delightful story! I love how you have taken kids and adults to totally different parts of the planet, to the magical creatures, anywhere their imagination allowed. The story is lively, beautiful and delightful. I have really enjoyed it! I think I would not mind to take a bite of one of Mary’s muffins myself!

I have noticed, as I started to read, that I have already read and commented on your story but it has been a while ago, so I re-read it. I found some errors and wanted to point them out, knowing that you are closing to ED.

In paragraph “But it clambered out…” needs a period.
In paragraph “It was then that Mary brought…” need to move quotation mark just before ‘So’—it should be facing the other way.
In paragraph “He looked at the muffin…” quote is facing the wrong way and ‘what’ needs to be capitalized.
In paragraph “How was the muffin[,] Dad…” needs period at the end.
In paragraph “What are you doing to my foot[,] Daring….”

There are other instances of missing commas: Always use a comma before and/or after the name when addressing someone directly in dialogue (even if the name isn’t a proper name).

In paragraph “She went on and sung…” needs a period.
In paragraph “The boys put their arms around…” needs a period at the end of paragraph.
In paragraph “Catrina was in a trance…” needs question mark at the end of a paragraph.
In paragraph “Look at that…” delete a space between ‘look’ and the quotation mark.
In paragraph “There is only one way to find out…” needs a closing quotation mark at the end.
In paragraph “They were still bouncing their way…” fix the quotation mark, it is not next to the quote and is facing the wrong way. (I would go over entire chapter because it is not the only place with the problem. Also, some of the quotation marks are too small and not consistent. It can be easily fixed) Need a closing quotation mark at the end of the sentence.

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

This is lively and imaginative writing, and were my children still young I'm sure they'd enjoy it. There is a bouncy quality to the story which takes us along at a rapid pace, and I wish you well with this.

Brian,

Charming stories for a young audience and for older readers too! High stars from me and I'll be shelving it on the next shuffle.

Edward,
The Black Dionysia

Brian, thanks for inviting me to view your book. I've read chapters 1 & 2 and plan to read more. Very fun and free flowing. The are some places for commas, and some other authors have already noted minor grammatical changes here and there, but it's a fun read.

Reminds me of the movie A Night at the Museum and the fun stories and subplots with different characters that come to life. I like the stories when characters travel back with an item of importance (safari hat, wet hair, bear rug). I didn't understand why the talented young singer didn't come back with her "golden" ticket, or some other keepsake from the competition? Be nice if they all had something from their muffin experiences to share with others in class.

Be careful of the boys in the shark infested waters. While I'm glad they protected themselves, the stabbing, blood, and other violent references may turn some readers off. Sharks scare me, even at my advanced age!

I'm 43 and I'm going to return for some more chapters to see what happens to kids in the schoolyard. Guess that says more about the experience than anything else. Cheers!

Mary's Magic Muffins & Other Tales for Children.
By Brian G. Chambers.

A lovely compilation of children’s story’s.
I quite enjoyed them myself, never mind the child.
Children’s books of short stories appear to be the norm at the moment…why not?
Kiddies of an early age can soon lose interest if a story is too long.
Your stories are ideally at the right length to avoid this.
Of course they are very good as well and will keep many a child occupied and wanting more of the same.
High star- rated for now.
Well done, Brian!!

Best wishes,

Neville. ‘One Off, Sir!’

Hi Brian
I have started reading, and love the premise. The rhymes made me smile.
Maybe watch for repeated words at the beginning of paragraphs, and speech marks the wrong way round.
I am enjoying it though, and will continue reading as soon as I get chance. Good Luck!
Cheryl

Bewitched muffins, very cute idea for a children's story. I enjoyed the first story, and I know that I would have enjoyed it as a child. You've done a fabulous job, and I can't wait to see it on the shelves. Good luck!

Stacy

Mary's Magic Muffins
Brian Chambers
Plot
Read Mary's Muffins - Good plotfor children, lot's of easy to follow twists and turns thatwould capture their imagination.

Pacing
Again, good for children, but would be choppy for others

Characters/Characterization
Not well developed, but done well for a childrens story

Point of view/Voice
Fits well with the type of book

Sentence Level
Probably a little old for the target audience, but the quick switching works

Originality
I like the premise, and the idea of the bewitched muffins, though Mary having a deadly desease so she has to share is maybe a bit much.

Publishability
I haven't been published, so I can't say except I am thinking there is still some work here before going to press

Other things...mostly nits and edits
scarpered away...either a very large word, or mispelled
Very English in the wording, which is okay, but probably limits the audience
Everyones engrossed...probably too big a word
Check for capitalizations i.e. 'making her way across The '
she prised....probably meant she pried


Thanks for sharing this with me, I think it has a lot of potential. It reads very much like it was being told.

RG Hughes (Dominance - "Control")

So i spotted one error and that was all. during the pirate adventure you're missing an e on the end of here, so instead of 'we can't leave him here' it's 'we can't leave him her'. i read both mary's magic cupcakes and a cow named daisy. i enjoyed both and it seems to me that it would appeal greatly to kids. I'm glad that i read it and good luck!

So i spotted one error and that was all. during the pirate adventure you're missing an e on the end of here, so instead of 'we can't leave him here' it's 'we can't leave him her'. i read both mary's magic cupcakes and a cow named daisy. i enjoyed both and it seems to me that it would appeal greatly to kids. I'm glad that i read it and good luck!

Hello, Brian. My name is Antony.
I took the time to read your writing and, well, you did ask for reviews, so here goes, for what it is worth.
You do grip a child's imagination. (I had my grandchildren read it allowed to me). I wanted to know how they felt about the writing of none commercial authors and to see if I too could write for children and what sparks their imagination, to turn away from the story for a moment and say.. "Hey, that is me." Your stories did just this.
My own stories are for adults, and I don't expect you to read any of them, for they are far too long. I use this medium as a means of safe keeping only, in case of a computer hard drive failure.
Appreciated.
Antony Bradbury

A Chrged:

Hi Brian,

I just read your opening 2 chapters and enjoyed the idea and the imagination of the story very much. I had a few issues with it overall and made some notes:

ch 1
1st para: 'chums'... have not heard this term since Enid Blyton, it immediately ages your work.

2 line paragraphs? I think it disrupts the flow a bit when you can't get into the start of a book due to stop start para's.

rhyme: 'but it clambered out all bye its sel'?
para starting 'once the mixture': sounds a bit preachy, maybe 'since she knew hot ovens were dangerous'?
para staring 'just as': spacing after radio.
para starting 'the only thing': 'that was the same' 'with a bite taken out of it'?
para starting 'quickly he': No, she was yelling because.....'?

Nice start, I like the premise. I like the imagination. I feel we could get to know Mary a bit better, more about her and what she's like though I enjoyed the singing nursery rhymes to herself bit. And Mom, mom is helping with the baking yet only comes into the story when it's time to use the oven. What's she like, is she kind? funny? young? pretty? I think all the characters could use a bit more familiarity and introduction.

ch 2

much nicer structure, tidy(er).
para starting 'before she knew': question mark after the question.

dad's initial transportation lasted much longer after one bite... teacher and Grant's (after the whole cake) only fleeting and then Angela gets a good 5 mins from one bite, you need consistency or an explanation.

para starting 'she went on': why is the colon there?

shark scene: a bit gory... is the killing and blood necessary in what was a nice innocent story?

Overall though this has got a lot of promise Brian, It's a great little start to a story and I wish you all the best :)

I like the fact that your writing (I read the first chapter) is very open to children of various ages and that it has a specific theme (the cupcakes). It rhymes very well. I think this could make a good childrens book, though I have to wonder whether it would be appealing to boys (seeing as it's about cooking). Don't know if you had any specific target group in mind. Anyway I like the overall sweetness and cuteness of the story :)

I like your rhythms, they actually very difficult to write and you did a great job. Put a smile on my face as they say. Thought children tales is my not what I read, I decided to read two chapters of your book.

I just found the following which confused me, in terms of text, I am not sure if you intended Mary to think that way.

- In the first chapter.
'First of all, I have to cream the soften margarine and [add some] sugar in the large bowl'

- The page format does help the reader to keep reading. Anymore words per line and you might have lost some readers.

- You should have added more rhymes, they were good in chapter one.

- I will put your book on the my watchlist, to find out more about the muffins or if Mary uses witchcraft by mistake.

I agree wit the comment of Carlabear, about 'saying out loud', not loudly, although I can see why you use loudly, because it is an adverb therefore should have an 'ly' on the end, but it just doesn't sound right. I loved Enid Blyton as a child, although when one reads her books as an adult one cannot help but cringe with her snobbishness, that lower class people are 'dirty' and foreigners are usually wicked. I have often tried to work out what was so magic about Enid Blyton and can never quite put my finger on it. I definitely think that you have that touch, putting it on my bookshelf, hope you get to that Editor's desk.

Hello Brian
I just had time to read and comment on the first few stories.

Mary’s Magic Muffins
I liked this story. It gave me a nice nostalgic feeling and reminded me of some of the Enid Blyton books I read as a child. For some reason, The Magic Rubber came into my head. Not sure why, as I haven’t read it years and years.
Here are some things I picked up on as I was reading:
Mary had just celebrated her seventh birthday the previous day. I don’t think you need the word just in this sentence.
Mary said out loudly to herself. Should this be said out loud?
Also, you have three paragraphs starting with Mary and then the next three starting with She. You might want to change them around a bit for a little variation.
Once the mixture was nice and creamy Mary – I think there should be a comma before Mary.
Also, check your speech marks because I noticed some of them are wrongly spaced and then cling to the sentence before rather than the actual speech you want it to mark out.
Without hesitation Mary’s dad – I’d put a comma after the word hesitation
“What are you doing to my foot darling.” Comma after foot and before darling.
“Why I bought it today as a matter of fact.” I’d put commas after why and today.
After the bell had rang and they’d all assembled in class Mary – comma after class
So quietly as she could – Suggest: so, as quietly as she could, she prised …
“Right Catrina, get your tracksuit off” comma before Catrina
You say Manchester United and then go on to call it Man Utd, think they should be consistent for clarity.
I liked the different scenarios and felt you picked up on the things children dream about really well. I recognised my daughter’s fantasy in the singing contest and my son in the shark one. I read some of the earlier comments and saw that people thought that Mary might have been mentioned more later on. Perhaps you could have her watching the different reactions of the children in bemusement and thinking how oddly everyone’s behaving today?

Brainy Brian Comes to The Rescue
I liked the Brainy Brian story and felt that kids would laugh at the image of the old people taking out their teeth to chew gum, but I did find it sounded a bit a sanctimonious the way he said he knew he would be allowed to chew gum himself. I realise you’re using it as a sort of safety message for younger kids, but I think at eight the danger of him swallowing it and choking would have passed.

The McCoos
I liked this story, and I think it would benefit from being presented with pictures.
Third paragraph – When I read they persevered with the breeding so long because of the half a million pound prize, I immediately thought what prize? I think you might need to put in a sentence hoping to enter them into a show for strange breeds before this. Also there are two full stops after this sentence.
Fifth paragraph in, delete the extra a in the sentence they dreamed of having a a proper brick house.

Thanks Brian. I hope this doesn’t come over as too critical, I just mean to be helpful because I know these things are easy to miss.

Take care and good luck with your stories
Carla Burgess
Way off Track

I liked your idea of magic muffins and the interesting adventures each person went on. I can visualize great pictures to go with your story!

Laura

Brian,

I enjoyed the first story, Mary's Magic Muffins although I thought it might work better if Mary had a slightly smaller class. I know Authonomy doesn't allow pictures but if your book is ever published you will need them. If you have them already, posting them to another website so people would see them would be nice.

As a group, I think the stories are too much for a single book. Maybe I'm too much of a Grownup, but after the first, the other stories I read (Daisy the Dairy Cow, Brainy Brian comes to the Rescue, The McCoos and Granny Martha Touchstone & her Taser Mobile Phone) got to be a bit much.

Matt

Hi, Brian.
I read Mary's Magic Muffins, A Cow Named Daisy, and Brainy Brian Comes to the Rescue. Your stories and poems are very appealing. In fact, I plan to share them with my little girl. I am glad that you will be able to share them with Tilly, and I wish you much success in getting published. Congratulations at being Number 18! I will put you on my bookshelf and I hope your book makes it to the Editor's Desk soon.
Best regards,
Sara Alley

I can see these stories being appealing to children, as they offer something different and imaginative.

I enjoyed ‘The McCoos’ but I wish it had been just a little longer. I wanted to know more about the different creatures and perhaps some antics at the show.

Brainy Brian Down on the Farm – may just be a formatting issue but the sentence which begins “She had a big flask...” – it looks as though there is no space between ‘tea’ and ‘which’. The same with: ‘went’ and ‘something’ just before the song.

The poetry/songs are a nice inclusion and the stories offer variety.

High stars and a spot on my bookshelf.

Best of luck,
Nicola

Hi Brian,
Great stories, aimed at the' reading aloud to' market I'd say, I know my own kids would have liked less of the turkey legs to eat and lambs to slaughter(even if it was saved) but apart from that it's almost perfect bedtime read. I might query some of the vocab as being beyond the target audience but learning new words is always good.
Also the question of the paternity of Wee Davey is way over their heads and probably unnecessary. Some things are not suitable for that age, I think. Young children don't like hearing about orphans or horrific motorbike accidents.
Poetry through it is a brilliant idea.
Wishing you luck with this and high stars. Bookshelf promised for ages but I'll watch list you and see how it is when I have shelf time.
Cheers,
Josephine Shared Skies

I’ve had another look at these and read a few more. I’ve put it on my watchlist for further reading later. The prose stories are charming, comforting, gently exciting – just the sort of thing that a smallish child would like, I should think. Meanwhile, I have a few comments, mostly of a grammatical nature:
Ch 4 – ‘pirate’s’ should be ‘pirates’.
Ch 5 – each-others is not usually hyphenated, and needs an apostrophe.
Ch 5, because it involves more than one set of dreaming (the bike race and the visit to the coral reef and the moon) is perhaps a little confusing.
‘In an instance’ should be ‘in an instant’.
There are some inverted commas missing – let’s try it and see”. [This occurs more frequently in later stories].
Ocean should not have a capital letter unless you are talking about a named one, eg, the Indian Ocean.
‘Astronauts’ suit’ has the apostrophe in the wrong place.

I had more trouble with your poem in Chapter 2. You wanted honest comments and my immediate reaction is that in many places it does not scan. I think it is vital that a poem for young children should scan so that they can read it with the right lilting voice. Young children love this sort of thing but if it doesn’t scan they will, metaphorically, trip up and be confused.

I hope this helps.

Thank you for inviting people to look again. I will watch its progress and will definitely look again, again.

I hope you will find time to look at mine in return.

Best wishes,
CJ Bowness, The Accidental Adventurers

Hello Brian, I'm glad you messaged me and I started reading these. I can't wait for the grandchildren to come over so that I can read some to them! I can hear them giggling already! You obviously see the world through a child's eye. High stars and a place on my bookshelf for this.

Hi Brian; here as promised and have just read The McCoos, Brainy Brian and Spike & Squeak.

It was worth coming to read this just for the title The McCoos, that's great.

I can certainly see this appealing to the young children it is aimed at. Your language is appropriate and your rhymes were very good indeed.
I did think that you possibly sold yourself a little short with the length of two of the stories I read, particularly The McCoos. I felt this had lots of potential for being a little more fluffed out. The idea and imagery was so good that I was itching to read more even as an adult.
There were a few grammar issues that I noticed but I see DJ had spotted pretty much the same as me so would just advise sorting them, as some others will be quick to judge on them.
You certainly have the gift of knowing kids and you should be complimented for it. It is too easy to write a book as an adult would think a child would like it and not actually in the simple, easy to picture way they do.

Good job
Richard
The Snow Lily

Hi Brian,
Just read three chapters of your brilliant book. Love it! The imagination is fresh and funny. I thought it'd be the standard little girl book, and it isn't. Can't wait to read more of it. Love the rhymes, love the muffins and I especially loved the bit where Catrina played football. I wish I'd space on my bookshelf for this. Never mind You do get VERY high stars! I shall be back to read more!
Anaxis
http://authonomy.com/books/51720/the-pirateers-book-1-zylesian-cross/

Hi Brian.

I've just read the first of your stories and I enjoyed it very much. I think that the style of writing is very appropriate to children and I particularly like your reworked nursery rhymes. I do however have a couple of nit-picks:

- Some of the references in the children's fantasies are not particularly timeless. While 'Treasure Island' will be around forever, Alex Ferguson and Ant & Dec aren't. While relevant today, I think that mentioning these will make your story show its age within a few years.

- I felt that some of the sentences could probably do with a bit of editing. This could just be me but I found some of the sentence breaks a little jarring. The best example I could find looking back through it was “the sugar container had once belonged to a witch. And the witch’s spirit still lived in the container”. I don't really like the full stop before the word "and". I think this would work better as a single sentence or benefit from being amended to avoid this break in some other way.

- More spacing would be nice between your chapter breaks - some of these blended together a bit though I imagine this is probably something that's gone funny when you uploaded (I know I had lots of trouble getting this site to format mine...)

Anyhow, I really did enjoy this story. Backed and highly starred.

Brian G Chambers
Mary's Magic Muffins & Other Tales for Children

I read the first chapter of this fun story. The writing is age-appropriate and the nursery rhymes are bringing up good memories. The larger theme in Chapter 1 seems to be fulfilling one's fantasy as he/she takes a bite of the magic muffin. Curiously, Mary only plays a limited role in this chapter. The opening scene shows us her baking with her mother. But from here on, other adults and children take over, each one of them being whisked into different realities to play out their fantasies. The moral lessons differ from one fantasy to another: there is protecting loved ones, there is adventure, friendship, fulfilling one's potential to the fullest etc. However, I wonder if perhaps there are too many stories within a story in one chapter. Perhaps this chapter will benefit from limiting to three stories. The same may be said to the nursery rhymes. Three can be a magic number. But I am not a children's book author so please take this with a helping of salt.

All in all, a great children's book. Highly starred.

Wish you all the best.
Christine

Hi Brian

I've read chapter 1. I thought it was a very sweet story. At the beginning, you have several chapters beginning 'Mary' and it might be good to vary this a little, unless you are going for a repetitive chant like effect. As this is quite visual, I can see this as a picture book - though it would probably need to be abbreviated a little as picture books have quite strict rules as to page numbers. I have only read chapter 1, but feel this could stand alone as a book for 5 - 8 year olds.

I have backed you. Good luck getting to Editor's Desk

Kathryn Weller
Highway Code

Hi Brian,

I really enjoyed reading these children's stories. You write really well and I found it easy to read. You are right about what you wrote in the short pitch. Parents would enjoy them too!

Rated and added to my watchlist

Natalie
Th Forgotten Fairytale

Hi Brian:
I read through the first chapter (although there are many) and found the story to be very entertaining I Iiked when the husband started to rub his wife's foot, very cute.
I did notice in Ch2 at the beginning, there are two paragraphs in a row that start with 'the next thing' perhaps change one out.
This is simply my suggestion so please feel free to do as you please as I'm no expert in this genre (or any for that matter) Perhaps highlight the title 'Chapter 1, 2, whatever'
Overall there were no typos that I caught, but then again I was concentrating on the story.
Well done and high stars!
MC
Exposed

I truly enjoyed reading these, it was really lovely to see a fresh face of childrens stories. While I don't usually read these types of things, I found it over all very exciting and lovely. Thank you for writing them, and I wish you all the best!

Hope you get there soon! Keep up the great work!
Finger Bones

Back for more as I said I would.

Chapter 2:

Quite a different beast is Daisy. Perhaps even a cleverer piece of writing. The verse is quite tight and flows well, mostly. A few of the lines are force – “But wondered how…” For instance, and a couple could do with a mid-line comma to help with their bounce and banter – She was clever(,) unlike the sheep that were crazy
“So they decided…” – I would remove the THAT for a better flow
Besides that, I thought this was a tighter piece than chapter one, and very much a load of old fun!

Chapter 3:
Not much to say about this one. No errors. Nice banter and quite cute. Good younger kids story.

Chapter 4:
Two headed pattable dog cool – and low dumpage I suspect!
Turkeys with 8 legs – yum, but how do you catch them?
Cute story again, but just finished too quickly. The humour was nice though.

Chapter 5:
Back to Brian…
“…horses and (the) donkey…” - just feels like its missing
Him-self – should be himself
Missing space between “into the egg;he loved this”
“…flask of teawhich …” – space required here
“In (the) olden days…”
Careful of beginning sentences with BUT
“…for fire serviceand “ – space required
Yeah not bad, lacked the humour of the previous ones and again seemed to stop fairly short, but not bad.

:DJ

Mary’s Magic Muffins – review – chapters 1

Very whimsical beginning and the tone is spot on as is the language. Very fairy tale like, so well done. I like the idea, but there are a lot of stories ( I would have preferred each adventure to be fleshed out, but you might be aiming at a younger audience, so please ignore that thought.) The other thought is what else will you do, but this is obviously a collection of stories and I have begun the second, but it was late, so I’ll come back to it. :DJ

Chapter 1:
Blond – this is to be used when describing a male, Mary is a girl so it should be BLONDE
“…big secret was. But she only…” – BUT is a conjunction here to join two sentences, should have a comma before it, not a full stop (there are a couple of these in here)
…he said” So this is… - the quotation mark is one space too early
“No(,) it was because…” – characters in ( ) are missing
“one for the rest of the class…” – ‘one for each member of the class’ – or else it sounds like she is splitting one muffin between them all
Herd of cattle – nice line
Should hoofs be hooves?

What a delightful story! I enjoyed what I read. I don't think I need to critique since I see you have plenty of comments from others. Well done.

Hi Brian, I managed to read Mary's muffins and here are my thoughts.

There are a lot of missing commas, question marks and some missing words, a good edit will pick those up. I have listed below a few things you may want to take a look at.

Mary had just celebrated.... take out just as you then tell us exactly when at the end of the sentence.
Her mum replied - should be a comma here
Mary, who had her long.... no need for "the day before" as we already know
Mary set about the task - how about just using "She set about..."
Mary said (comma here) loudly or out loud would be better
Ovens are dangerous - maybe explain why
Muffins were ready to come out... - take out the "come out.." as you repeat this in the next sentence.

I think you should be careful of using the same words in the same sentence, sometimes it's a little jarring. I have to be honest, I didn't like the shark bit. I'm not sure how appropriate it is to have a section detailing the killing of animals in a children's book (just my opinion) and just as a nitpik, some species of shark are endangered.

Overall, you have a good imagination and the story is quite descriptive but needs a good read through for punctuation. I always find that reading it back aloud picks up any errors.

Hi Brian,

Read several chapters last night, it is an easy read so I think it will appeal to children. I am a fan of “short stories” with-in a book. Mine is similar however I did not include poems. I think it works in your case as it is a nice change of pace for children. Nice job.

Best of luck,
Pino - Espresso & Sambuca, Insights to Happiness

Very imaginative, but I have to agree with a couple other readers in thinking that your target audience for this book of stories is older than seven or eight. I think, if as previousl suggested, you left off the ages of the characters and let the readers and listeners decide for themselves, it would find a wider audience. But the stories were great fun and I can see kids enjoying them very much. Great job.

Hello Brian, the stories are good and imaginative, I hope I don't get on a plane with someone who has a 'taser phone'!, the first stories are Ideal for children who are practising their reading, you are right about the need for editing and spell checking.I would also recommend illustrations, maybe ask the hospital if they want to get the kids to draw some? For it's target audience, perfect.

Dear Brian. I loved your Magic Muffins, i think it would be great with Quentin Blake style illustrations. Six stars and on my shelf, good luck. If you would like to comment on my book 'The Severed Cord' i would appreciate it.
Kind Regards, Pamela Crabtree.

Hi Brian,
A new twist on space cakes. I think you should think about 'Muffins' as an illustrated book. It's very visual and the rhymes would be a hit.
Good one.
Luís

Hi Brian,
A new twist on space cakes. I think you should think about 'Muffins' as an illustrated book. It's very visual and the rhymes would be a hit.
Good one.
Luís