Shame The Devil

A genuinely creepy first chapter, Throck - I really enjoyed it. Yes, you could profitably trim it down a bit (to tighten up the tension) and yes, the shifting tenses are a little distracting (suggest stick in the 3rd person: "He rememberED tying her up" and "Why did HE even order that?") but this is nevertheless a fine piece of writing. If you take on board some of the earlier comments, and give it a quick makeover, there's no reason why this shouldn't move quickly up the ranks.

Giving you 6 stars, mate, and hope to shelve after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(two last suggests. First "italicise" that great opening line (apart from 'he thought'). Second, take out all refs to 'David Sellars'. Apart from the one saying 'Pretending that they thought Sheriff Sellars was just out..." Replace with 'He' or 'Him' throughout.

Dear Throck,

What a start ! You've chosen to tell your story in a very complex and tricky manner, one that is quite capable of drowning the best of ideas. But you've done it so brillantly. Hallmark of a very competent author. I've just read a single chapter and will have to come back for more. Giving it 6-stars for now because my bookshelf is full. But you can be sure as hell that I'll be backing this one soon.

Regards,
AGC.

The story is interesting. I kept wondering why he could not remember committing the murder and asking myself if he really was indeed the murder. It was like a hook pulling me forward, line after line, chapter after chapter. As each character was introduced, I had the feeling that they were like somoene I knew personally, which means that they were well thought out and well defined. Definately well thought out and well written. I plan on rating it highly.

Just a few minor things to nitpick about:

Chapter 1- 'he had been a deputy for a long time' and
'the man had gone to prison for a long time' - why not list the number of years. Also, he had been a deputy for a long time.
Chapter 3 - Description of Clair 'And boots. Not shoes but boots.' - Sounded weird.

Overall, great job. Keep up the good work.

Shame The Devil

Short pitch: good words but what do they tell a prospective reader about the kind of story within? Not a lot.

Long pitch: the trouble with telling what is virtually the whole story in the pitch, is that you’ve pulled its teeth as a thriller. What remains hidden and mysterious is where the tension is to be found. Also it’s too long and has too many unnecessary words to maintain a sales punch. E.g. ‘his training wheels’.

C1: Very tricky way of telling the story you chose here Throck, but I think it works, just. I was primed of course by having just read the lengthy pitch. That’s a problem maybe because you can’t rely on telling a synopsis first and then launching into the story. But I got that he is somehow possessed and has come to realize it too late. Truly horrifying images in that opening. There were places where your otherwise fairly good language skills wobbled. For e.g. ‘cowboy hat and vest and watch Wheel of Fortune...’ the reader sees ‘watch’ and starts to think how can he hang up his watch? Solved by deleting final ‘and’ and using a comma. Bizarrely I didn’t like the name ‘Little ears’. Just a preference thing. I didn’t get the cell floor being bloody – where’d that come from?

C2: Unusually I though that this second chapter was a little rougher than the first. I think there is a problem stemming from the change of POV. The phrase: ‘He knew this trick.’ Certainly threw me because I was unsure who was being indicated. That’s the problem with multiple POV. It can work I guess (I’m no expert) but you would have to avoid such ambiguities at the very least.

OK, very competent in general. You managed to create a shocking beginning certainly. I noticed the tension slowly decaying as C2 went on and things became, well, almost chatty, but that’s OK. As long as the next punch in the face comes soon. I think it’s well sustained.

You were on my WL.If this was a return read sorry for the delay. I wanted to like this. Some of the descriptions were spot on, but I found myself getting confused. I read the first chapter 3 times to try and figure out why. I think going back and forth between first and third person, he and I, was the most obvious thing. Tell the story as the character or as a detached observer, in past or present, but jumbling them up can get confusing. The other part that confused me was the rough transitions, He's oiling a blade one minute, the next he's in a prison cell, then a restaurant.
There is great potential here , you have a wonderful voice. Reading it out loud may help. or into a tape recorder and listen to it back, I do that sometimes.
I'm no expert. People often get angry because I don't tell them how brilliant everything is. The kicker here is that there are flashes of brilliance, it just needs some reworking.

Don't stop writing,
Bill
Haktaw Heart.

Hi. I read eight chapters. In my opinion there are positives and negatives here. The positives include the plot, it thickens as we go and that kept me reading. The negatives for me are the reactions of some of the characters and the narrative. I think the narrative could be pared down a touch. For me narrative works well in down plot time when the reader has experienced something and needs a break to think things out. The start of this work are the experiences, in these early chapters I would expect more urgency. A child's been killed, the sheriff is implicated, kids are missing, a youth has fingers in his pocket. I would expect Wyatt to be more galvanised, if not outwardly then at least internally. I would expect his mind would be racing. I would expect clipped, precise dialogue focused entirely on what has happened. His drive with Claire totally missed that. Down time with Claire and Wyatt should be later on, right now it should be all business. The Mayor at the moment is a little two dimensional, likewise nurse Chavez. So although the plot is strong in my opinion it would benefit from the injection of a rising pulse which would naturally come from you getting totally inside the characters and working with them. Only my opinion. The questions I am asking now are did Sellars do it, who bit him, why were the fingers there, etc etc. Your story works in that respect. Shelved with best wishes and much interest. Jack
Oh, just came back to add that the first chapter and Wyatt discovering Sellars work fine. I just found it dipped a little after that when I wanted it to start to race.

I've read two chapters and find it interesting. It's a gruesome deed and you handled it well. The emotions, style of writing and the characterization was good. You plunged right into the story like Dave plunges the knife into Amber. But was it really Dave that killed her or something undefined as yet?

I'm going to be reading more of this to find out.

Shirani
Chocolate Cake Dreams

Hello,

I have read the first chapter and liked it. The writing flows well and the characters are good. I liked the idea of a policeman that isn't sure what happened too him, as well her really killed the girl.

Keep up the good work

Timmy
Asylum

Hello,

I've read the first chapter as promised :}. As mentioned before, this is really spooky for several reasons. In the case of David, he doesn't know what happened to him which makes it even more suspenseful. I'm not a doctor, but I also know that people who sometimes suffer from a mental illness have severe symptoms: such as delusions and illusions. One possible suggestion I have is based on enhancing the realism of his illness. For example: Does he obsess about things? Does he think he hear voices? or is it just his own self-thinking? How long did it take the symptoms to build up?

My second suggestion is centered on a similar concept. I know from personal experience that suffers are often too afraid of their feelings to even think about harming others. To expand his history you could also describe how he struggles with his own fears in one form or another.

Overall, this is good stuff :}.

kind regards,

Swisscheese

What a great pace! Something I need to work on! I envy your talent for crafting a great story and telling it through showing and not telling. A really enjoyable read. I thought your LP and SP were full of hooks too. Great job. I look forward to seeing where this can go!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Six chapters are not enough. Will you post more? I enjoyed what was here a great deal. Very spooky and intriguing!

Edited to add - Now I've read fourteen chapters. Scarier and scarier!

Great theatre! You really get inside of the killer's-David's brain, displaying his mental problems. Not sure why he wanted to kill his neice, but am sure you go into that later on. Have a wonderful sense of creating suspense. Highly recommended and highly starred.
Dina of HOTD and LD

This is quite a chilling horror story. Well-written too. Horror isn't my thing at all, especially when it concerns children as victims. I have to agree with the comments of the last three readers as well.
Don't read this alone at night....

Saw this on the newbie thread.
A gruesome concept.
Well written and executed. For those who like this genre, this will certainly keep them entertained.
The POV shifts around a bit. Might want to keep in one head per scene. Seems to be the done thing.
Will watchlist, and give some shelf time in the future,
CJ

Backed Shame the Devil. You have all the elements of a classic horror novel. Forgotten town off the highway, insanity, malevolent force of evil, and a psychic. Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Kat51

Definitely a good story you got on your hands. The writing flows, and you know when to hold back description. Just small lines like ‘I’m sorry I killed your daughter’ came off very powerful. It’s what I call pivots which changed your thought on the book usually in a good way like this did here. However, it can be a pivot in the wrong direction. I like David. Glad he’s the main character because it’s him that is driving this story and making it really good. 6 stars. I would have given you 51/2 if I could, but I round up. I can’t back you now because I just changed my entire shelf and need to give them more than just a week.

‘Like a chef’s hands. Like a surgeon’s’ don’t think you need to use two metaphors here. But since you talk about surgeon in the next line you might want to get rid of the first.

‘He remembered looking sweet Kelly . . .’ this sentence is kind of too long.