Demon War

Don,
There seems to be a gathering of forces, Beelzebub recruiting the beggar Tonelli, Tom turning to ex-Wiccan priest Pastor Bob to address the question of hauntings by demons, not ghosts. Your narrative style is clearcut and simply laid out, your dialogue animated and peppered with backstory. The pace is brisk, the characterization realistic. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
Thr North Korean

Kara,

It sounds like you combined two stories. Tonelli, Keith, and Beelzebub are in the Unholy Trinity, while the rest of your notes go to Demon War.

Tonelli and the others are developed over the span of their story. Look at chapter 3 where I reveal how Tonelli fits into the story.

Thank you for your edits. I am rewriting the Unholy Trinity. Then I will rewrite Demon War. I may end up trying to self-publish all three stories.

Best wishes,

Don R. Budd

The writing here is clear, straightforward. Your style gets to the point and yet, you introduce the characters slowly, enough to understand the story without confusion. You include a lot of dialogue, which keeps the pace moving. You have some good hooks at the end of your chapters. I’m wondering how Antonio from the first chapter will fit into the story later. I didn’t quite know where this was going with him and Keith and Beelzebub. I don’t know if I like the way this is written in present tense. I might consider using past tense instead. I think your writing is interesting and your ideas unique. I left you with a couple edits. Hope they are helpful to you.

Ch. 3
He pulls out the note and (dials) the number.
Ch. 4
(“)We are to put on the full armor of God to protect us.”

Wish you the best with this! God bless!

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

The writing here is clear, straightforward. Your style gets to the point and yet, you introduce the characters slowly, enough to understand the story without confusion. You include a lot of dialogue, which keeps the pace moving. You have some good hooks at the end of your chapters. I’m wondering how Antonio from the first chapter will fit into the story later. I didn’t quite know where this was going with him and Keith and Beelzebub. I don’t know if I like the way this is written in present tense. I might consider using past tense instead. I think your writing is interesting and your ideas unique. I left you with a couple edits. Hope they are helpful to you.

Ch. 3
He pulls out the note and (dials) the number.
Ch. 4
(“)We are to put on the full armor of God to protect us.”

Wish you the best with this! God bless!

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Abby,

Thank you for your comment. I will work on it.

Don R. Budd

I like very much the idea of the story. You have a really good premise and it's interesting. I think that it just needs editing, it sounds stiff in some places. I think once that's done this will be a really good book.

Good start.

Abby

I like very much the idea of the story. You have a really good premise and it's interesting. I think that it just needs editing, it sounds stiff in some places. I think once that's done this will be a really good book.

Good start.

Abby

I like the premise of your story, but it's as if you are giving a report. Show the reader as well as tell them.
Say for example the first line.

Tom enters / throws open the door to his apartment and groans aloud at the mess he will one day have to clean up, But not today, not quite today...

Even so, this is my kind of story. will complete reading later

Could you take a look my novel 'The Devil's Crown and give me some feed back. If you like the story would you consider backing it.

Regards
Kerron Lee

Hello Judes,

Thank you for your review of my story. The demons win only upto the lesson learned by Tom. Tom stops trying to win. He turns it over to God. The Gospel is presented as Tom must face his demons. Then God deals with the demons for him. Another lesson Tom must learn that when we become Christian, we still must deal with the consequences of our past life. This is a lesson Tom must face as as he loses his new friend.

I have trouble keeping my stories going. I bought Dramatica Pro to help me improve my stories. It's a software package to help writers improve their stories. Most of the time I pray each time I set to write. I pray for guidence.

The first chapter shows what Tom and his friends do. It sets the stage for the rest of the story. The demons eventually get their up-comings later in the story. I have the story finished, but I don't have the whole thing posted. As for the characters not feeling the full force of the terror is because those who really get into this don't understand the real danger of what they are involved with. Therefore, the characters don't seem to get too worked up over it. Even with the attacks by the demons, the characters ,like their real life counter parts, do not see the real danger. They just believe they can eventually win over the "Ghosts." This eventually costs the lives of Tom's friends.

Don R. Budd

CCRG Review

Hi Don,

I sat down this morning to read a few chapters of your book, and finished up reading it all. You have a good easy style of writing, which leads the reader on from chapter to chapter.

I don't really see how the opening chapter fits into the rest of the book - I must have missed something, but then others may miss it too! Your descriptions are very vivid, and will draw the reader in - I couldn't help but see the 'Harry Potter' type of effects at work here.

I feel that the real presence of evil is very much underplayed. I guess it is something that you have experienced, as I have, and your characters seem very laid back about what is, in fact, a really terrifying experience. The visual side is very well portrayed, but they don't seem to feel the real, chilling fear! The Bible references are well chosen and illustrate the way you are leading the reader, but you seem to stop short of getting there. The demons win. Ah, just noticed it is incomplete! I hope that you will finish it, and that the secret of Tom's success is revealed to all. You have a good message to pass on, I look forward to reading the rest soon. Backed and starred.

Judes
Land of Shadows.

CCRG Review

Hi Don,

I sat down this morning to read a few chapters of your book, and finished up reading it all. You have a good easy style of writing, which leads the reader on from chapter to chapter.

I don't really see how the opening chapter fits into the rest of the book - I must have missed something, but then others may miss it too! Your descriptions are very vivid, and will draw the reader in - I couldn't help but see the 'Harry Potter' type of effects at work here.

I feel that the real presence of evil is very much underplayed. I guess it is something that you have experienced, as I have, and your characters seem very laid back about what is, in fact, a really terrifying experience. The visual side is very well portrayed, but they don't seem to feel the real, chilling fear! The Bible references are well chosen and illustrate the way you are leading the reader, but you seem to stop short of getting there. The demons win. Ah, just noticed it is incomplete! I hope that you will finish it, and that the secret of Tom's success is revealed to all. You have a good message to pass on, I look forward to reading the rest soon. Backed and starred.

Judes
Land of Shadows.

Wow, a powerful opening first paragraph. The shock a beggar (pretend) knew you then he made a business proposition to you.

High stars but still reading

Interesting first chapter here, Don. I must admit that the whole homosexual undertones had me taken aback initially, but you're probably right on about the type of peope Beelzebub would want in his army. Good descriptions and good start to your novel...many stars.

CCRG review: Don, I just read the first 3 chapters of your book. I think your writing is compelling and I pray all the best for you with your books. While demonic issues are very real and very relevant, I prefer to keep my eyes on Christ and have personally found that ignoring the enemy is the best approach. So I apologize for not reading further but it's just not my area of interest.

Blessings to you!

Patti

Demon War

by Don R. Budd

Demon War is a look at the paranormal thru the Christian veiw. It is a warning for any to get involved

With all the paranormal stories and televison shows today, this gives the biblical point of view. It's a warning not to get involved.

Today most television stations have at least one ghost related program. Ephesians 6:12-18 warns us that we are in a battle with demons not flesh and blood.

This story follows a group of paranormal researchers as they attempt to clear a warehouse. The leader, Tom, learns these are not ghost, but demons. All attempts to clear the warehouse fail. Tom finally gives up on the task and learns to accept Christ and put on the Armor of God.

Tom learns that just becoming Christian does not come easy. He must still deal with the actions or in-actions of his past.

The aim of the story is to keep Christians and non-Christians from getting involved with the enemy. We are already in a battle with evil forces, we must not make it worse.

With all the paranormal stories and televison shows today, this gives the biblical point of view. It's a warning not to get involved.

Today most television stations have at least one ghost related program. Ephesians 6:12-18 warns us that we are in a battle with demons not flesh and blood.

This story follows a group of paranormal researchers as they attempt to clear a warehouse. The leader, Tom, learns these are not ghost, but demons. All attempts to clear the warehouse fail. Tom finally gives up on the task and learns to accept Christ and put on the Armor of God.

Tom learns that just becoming Christian does not come easy. He must still deal with the actions or in-actions of his past.

The aim of the story is to keep Christians and non-Christians from getting involved with the enemy. We are already in a battle with evil forces, we must not make it worse.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/37462/demon-war/

Scott,

Thank you for the review on my story. You put a lot of work into it. I appreciate it. I will make note of your review and make the necessary changes. You hit the mark with your "nitpicking analysis." I needed this. I will get to work on this right away. I don't think I will post the review. Unfortunately the site has trouble with changes. You have to post a new story. That gets confusing. You cannot just change a word. You must repost the entire story.

Thanks again for your work and your help.

Don R. Budd

CCRG Review

My overall view is that this is a relatively interesting story. It was a relatively quick read and moved along decently. Without getting too deep theologically, I'll say it is relatively theologically "fluffy" but it is a good vehicle to get folks thinking about the battle between good and evil.

Now here's my nitpicky analysis to try to help you improve (I hope this is what you want):
Chapter 2:
"Things are thrown around and looks" should be "Things are thrown around and it looks"
"He locks the door and heads to his desk. He puts his gym bag on it." How about "He locks the door, walks over to his desk, and drops his gym bag on it." Sounds less choppy that way.
Chapter 3:
"A man already exercises there." Suggested "A man is already exercising there."
You have an unnecessary quote in "Yes," we are told to stay away from them,"
"What do I have to do with you, Bob?" - is that or should that be more along the lines of "Well now, what should I do about you, Bob?" Is that the feel you are going for there?
Chapter 5:
The fact that everything is in present tense just strikes me as odd, and I just now caught on to what has been bugging me as I read this story. e.g. "The team enters the warehouse during the afternoon." from Chapter 5. I guess I am just far more accustomed to the narrative portion of most fiction books being in past tense - like a narrator describing events that transpired at some point in the past. This reads more like a play than a novel.
"No, it's a total lose." should be "total loss". Immediately after that, sits should be sets.
"wouldn't prefer to" should be "would prefer not to"
Chapter 6:
"Her blonde hair appears like a sculpture..." should be "Her blonde hair looks almost like it was sculpted..." or "The golden butterfly comb holds her blonde hair in place so firmly that it appears to have been sculpted"
"Her face looks heavily painted" should be "Her face is heavily painted"
Chapter 7:
"Tom and Sue sit up a new camera" they should set it up, not sit it up.
Chapter 11:
I have finally come to peace with the present tense thing. It's no longer a major distraction, just a minor distraction like a buzzing in my head as I read the story.
"Your mine!" should be "You're mine!"
Chapter 12:
"Products must move no matter what. It cannot be allowed to stay put for long." It should be they - the pronoun is referring to products.
Chapter 13:
"hideous firry creature" should be "hideous furry creature"
Chapter 16:
"The middle-aged man with balding hair" The man ought to be balding or his hair thinning or receding. Hair doesn't bald.
Chapter 17:
"I would advice" should be "I would advise"
"It could turn very deadly" - go find Mark Twain's advice on the word very. I read that again the other day and laughed before going back through my latest manuscript to remove a whole lot of "very".
Chapter 18:
"The groups runs out" should be "The group runs out"

CCRG Review

My overall view is that this is a relatively interesting story. It was a relatively quick read and moved along decently. Without getting too deep theologically, I'll say it is relatively theologically "fluffy" but it is a good vehicle to get folks thinking about the battle between good and evil.

Now here's my nitpicky analysis to try to help you improve (I hope this is what you want):
Chapter 2:
"Things are thrown around and looks" should be "Things are thrown around and it looks"
"He locks the door and heads to his desk. He puts his gym bag on it." How about "He locks the door, walks over to his desk, and drops his gym bag on it." Sounds less choppy that way.
Chapter 3:
"A man already exercises there." Suggested "A man is already exercising there."
You have an unnecessary quote in "Yes," we are told to stay away from them,"
"What do I have to do with you, Bob?" - is that or should that be more along the lines of "Well now, what should I do about you, Bob?" Is that the feel you are going for there?
Chapter 5:
The fact that everything is in present tense just strikes me as odd, and I just now caught on to what has been bugging me as I read this story. e.g. "The team enters the warehouse during the afternoon." from Chapter 5. I guess I am just far more accustomed to the narrative portion of most fiction books being in past tense - like a narrator describing events that transpired at some point in the past. This reads more like a play than a novel.
"No, it's a total lose." should be "total loss". Immediately after that, sits should be sets.
"wouldn't prefer to" should be "would prefer not to"
Chapter 6:
"Her blonde hair appears like a sculpture..." should be "Her blonde hair looks almost like it was sculpted..." or "The golden butterfly comb holds her blonde hair in place so firmly that it appears to have been sculpted"
"Her face looks heavily painted" should be "Her face is heavily painted"
Chapter 7:
"Tom and Sue sit up a new camera" they should set it up, not sit it up.
Chapter 11:
I have finally come to peace with the present tense thing. It's no longer a major distraction, just a minor distraction like a buzzing in my head as I read the story.
"Your mine!" should be "You're mine!"
Chapter 12:
"Products must move no matter what. It cannot be allowed to stay put for long." It should be they - the pronoun is referring to products.
Chapter 13:
"hideous firry creature" should be "hideous furry creature"
Chapter 16:
"The middle-aged man with balding hair" The man ought to be balding or his hair thinning or receding. Hair doesn't bald.
Chapter 17:
"I would advice" should be "I would advise"
"It could turn very deadly" - go find Mark Twain's advice on the word very. I read that again the other day and laughed before going back through my latest manuscript to remove a whole lot of "very".
Chapter 18:
"The groups runs out" should be "The group runs out"

Dianna,

Thank you so much for you time and critique of Demon War. I have read "The Visitation" by Frank Peretti. I am currently going through Demon War and when I am done I will post it. Unforturnately, the way the site works I cannot simple save the changes in what is already posted. By next week, I hope to post the new revised version of the story.

Thank you again for your time and effort. Thanks also for your kind words and helpful suggestions.

Don R. Budd

Don,

This is a Christian critique review. I have now read through chapter nine of Demon Wars. The book begins with two episodes of deliberate and very real temptations that seek to destroy two different men. One man gives into the temptation, while the other somehow has the strength to overcome the demonic attack. Tom seems to be tormented by a ghost that inhabits a warehouse that he is assigned to sell. Tom then visits a former Wicca priest turned Christian pastor. Through scripture, the Pastor shows Tom what he is up against. Together with his partners, Tom tries to track down and exorcise the building of the demons. They are met with strange visions and damaged photography equipment. By chapter nine the group is treading on very dangerous ground and the tension mounts.

The premise for this story is very good and Don uses scripture to drive the passion of his story. I know Don’s desire is to share Jesus to all who read this. He promises this will come in Chapter 13. I have not read that far, but I know I won’t be disappointed.

Demon Wars is written in a straight forward fashion. There is no mincing of words, which at times, I wish there were. I believe it would add depth to the story and the characters. I have already discussed this with Don. So that’s all say on that.

I gave this book a five star rating in the belief that Don will continue to work on polishing this novel.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Don,

This is a Christian critique review. I have now read through chapter nine of Demon Wars. The book begins with two episodes of deliberate and very real temptations that seek to destroy two different men. One man gives into the temptation, while the other somehow has the strength to overcome the demonic attack. Tom seems to be tormented by a ghost that inhabits a warehouse that he is assigned to sell. Tom then visits a former Wicca priest turned Christian pastor. Through scripture, the Pastor shows Tom what he is up against. Together with his partners, Tom tries to track down and exorcise the building of the demons. They are met with strange visions and damaged photography equipment. By chapter nine the group is treading on very dangerous ground and the tension mounts.

The premise for this story is very good and Don uses scripture to drive the passion of his story. I know Don’s desire is to share Jesus to all who read this. He promises this will come in Chapter 13. I have not read that far, but I know I won’t be disappointed.

Demon Wars is written in a straight forward fashion. There is no mincing of words, which at times, I wish there were. I believe it would add depth to the story and the characters. I have already discussed this with Don. So that’s all say on that.

I gave this book a five star rating in the belief that Don will continue to work on polishing this novel.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Dianna,

Thank you for your advice and the author's name. I will look into it. Unfortunately, the sight won't take corrections. It only saves as a new file. So, you may not see the changes. In chapters 13 pg 59-61; 20 pg 93-96; 30 pg 141-142; 32 153-155; 34 pg 164 all have the gospel examined. As a Christian writer, I feel it is very important to include the Gospel in every story. These chapters and pages reference the Gospel.

Don,

I came back to read more of Demon Wars. Things start to move along as Tom gets some helpful information from the Pastor and truly takes his advice seriously. I still think your book needs some detail and descriptions to entertain the reader. Maybe look at your favorite Christian Fiction writer. (Frank Peretti writes in the same genre as you) and try to adapt your writing to the way he writes.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

I'm glad you liked Demon War. I cannot sound out a story since I am deaf. I will get someone to help correct the problems. Finding some one is no problem. I will get to it ASAP. Thanks for reading Demon War and for the comments. The last few chapters posted give the Gospel message. I put it in all my stories. The Demon War has it in the middle of the story. As a Christian writer, I feel it is very important to include the Gospel message in all stories. You never know when someone will accept Christ.

Don R. Budd

Don,

The premise of your story is really good. You start out with some shocking and very real temptations to get the reader hooked. This is very good. But I believe it would do well to try and smooth out the writing to make it flow. Try reading your work out loud, change it to sound like natural conversation. I think this will help make your book more sellable. The first chapters need to be really strong as does the rest of the book. I noticed that the first two sentences of the first chapter used traffic three times, maybe mix the word usage up a bit. I'll be back to read more. I'm on vacation and have to catch the tour bus!!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Laura,

Thank you for the notes. I wanted it to scare people. We are in a real War for souls. Satan is very happy when people get caught up in the "Ghost" or other "Paranormal interests." Galations 6 tells us we are up against real demons and they are not nice to you. With out the Holy Spirit protecting us, we are in danger of demon possession. I wanted people to be afraid and there is a Gospel message in all three stories. The one for this story works off the attacks of demons on the Main Character. He reading his Bible and seeking God. The demons fight against this.

The war with demons must and should scare the living day lights our of you. If you are not truely saved. Demons can still you. On the other hand even a Christian can be influenced to the point that they are possessed. Both need to daily put on the whole armor of God. So, we must all keep this issue in prayers every day.

Don R. Budd

This sent chills up my spine, buddy! It's great in the line of Frank Perretti. At least it gave me the same feel when I read his books "This Present Darkness" and Piercing the Darkness". His other were.... okay. =) =)
This makes you view the world behind the "veil" and is a very exciting piece of work.
I look forward to seeing this published one day.

Many blessings and best wishes to you,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

This sent chills up my spine, buddy! It's great in the line of Frank Perretti. At least it gave me the same feel when I read his books "This Present Darkness" and Piercing the Darkness". His other were.... okay. =) =)
This makes you view the world behind the "veil" and is a very exciting piece of work.
I look forward to seeing this published one day.

Many blessings and best wishes to you,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

Hello Don:

I read the pitch and the beginning chapters of this book and say that I wholeheartedly agree with the warnings against interacting with the paranormal on a strictly human level. Such television programming smacks of the Sons of Sceva. I have encountered these television programs as I have been channel-surfing and they give me a very creepy feeling. We as believers have authority over demonic spirits, but by the same token we are not to go looking for a fight where God has not sent us.

On an editorial level, the story is compelling but I think it would work much better if it was written in the past tense instead of the present tense.

You might also want to shorten the long pitch. It is not necessary to tell the whole story in the long pitch-just enough to draw the reader into wanting to read the story without necessary giving away the ending.

This is a very important, timely warning for this generation and needs to be told as the culture is being inundated with the demonic realm.

Blessings to you.

James