Time of Jacob's Trouble

CCRG review:
I read the first chapter of this book, "Time of Jacob's Trouble." So far, the book is predictable, with many repeated words, but I'm sure as I read on, I will get to the "meat" of the story. You might want to go through each paragraph, reading it aloud, noticing repeated words and coming up with other options to make the story flow better.
The news anchor wouldn't start at the beginning of a sentence. Maybe it would make it more interesting if the man turns on the TV and hears something mid sentence, with a jumble of confusing pictures behind the speaker. This could catch his attention, then the newscaster could come in with the line, "If you're just joining us...."
In the end, it's your story, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I am in no way an editor, just a reader.
When there's a phone call, you don't really need to write, "there's a pause."
As the reader, I am wondering what kind of hold the president has over the people and when will anyone suggest that this incident might be the rapture. I am wondering what the MC thinks of the happenings on this day. I am also wondering what the MC's name is.
I will read on. Good luck with your story! Blessings!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Audrey,

Thank you for taking the time to write such a document. I realize that There are problems. I will get to them as soon as I can. I have a similar document ;) for another story. I found that I have to post all the chapters at once or I get a mess. I will have to go through the whole story and post it as one unit rather than by chapters. But, I haven't forgotten your notes.

Thank you again,

Don R. Budd

Hi, Don – this is your CCRGreview from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I chose this novel because I was most intrigued by the ideas expressed in your pitches. Revelations is such a mysterious book – great idea to explore it in a novel.

You write many short sentences that follow a similar “noun-verb-object’ format. There’s nothing wrong with them, but readers enjoy variety in sentence structure. Try linking related sentences together with a semicolon, or rewording two short sentences into one. This variety keeps the reader on his toes.

You describe some everyday things – the presence of Muscle magazine – in great detail, but when it comes to the accidents in the streets, we get one line. I encourage you to explore those accidents; share with us the sights and sounds of cars crashing together on the busy streets. What sounds are the drivers impact and punch to your story. While police are nowhere to be seen, I bet Mark can hear sirens in the background.

Both ch 1 and ch 2 begin with an image of Kevin in his shorts; you may want to mix that up a bit. Also, I haven’t seen a man in a gym in tight shorts since 1978. Most men work out in basketball shorts.

As characters are introduced, you use race to identify them. I’d encourage you to avoid this entirely, but if race plays a role later in the story or if you want to be clear that you are including people of all backgrounds, introduce their features with descriptive details. For example, when we read a person has freckles, we assume that person is likely Caucasian. Or if we read about a character with hair in very short dreadlocks, we think, “Hm – this person has pretty kinky hair; I wonder if he’s of African heritage?” Or if a young man has deep brown eyes, almost black hair, and his dialog is rendered in ‘spanglish,’ we know he’s latino.

When you say that he enters the gym confidently, you’re telling us he’s confident. The reader likes to decide your character is confident by reading that he walks in and goes straight to the employee desk, waving hello to the new kid at the check-in desk. Maybe someone in the lobby says, “How can you be so chipper today of all days?” That kind of thing.

You describe Sally very well; I can picture her copper hair flopping. But calling her ‘older’ is vague. Give us a bit more detail: she’s here working off the second chin she noticed on her 50th birthday. I’m not terrific at this element of writing myself, so I don’t have too many ideas for you.

It’s grossly unprofessional for Kevin to visit with Kate when he’s working with a client. If that’s the message you intend, then it’s very clear. If you just wanted us to hear the conversation, perhaps they could talk on the phone as Kevin travels to work? Or after he’s finished his duties with Sally? (Can you tell I’ve been a manager?)

I wonder if newscasters would announce that aliens have attacked. It seems to me—and this may be the result of movie watching because of course it hasn’t happened in real life—that newscasters would report on unusual accidents caused by whatever they see causing the accidents. They would tell us that a sort of flying platform has emerged from the clouds, or that several cities have reported unusual bursts of light. They would tell us what they see and hear, not what they think is causing the chaos. Does that make sense?

If you give us the news in that way, then your characters are free to speculate in any way they wish.

Why would aliens go for the President or celebrities? (Wait. I’d welcome them if they arrived to clear out certain celebrities. This idea has possibilities…) But seriously – wouldn’t they be more interested in natural resources? Or something even weirder?

Well, then your characters come to that very conclusion. Never mind.

You have Sally warming up in the middle of her workout. Is that common?

I do like Kevin’s skepticism.

You have created a very interesting beginning. Many wonderful movies and books begin with or feature an attack by alien creatures. But yours is headed on a much more interesting journey, from what you have offered in your pitches.

Best wishes, Don!

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

If you skip to Chapter 19, you will come to the Gospel message in this story. Every story I write, I put the Gospel in it. That is a must for Christian writers. The site won't let me change or edit the file. It makes a new file which becomes confusing if you make changes.

Don Budd

Wow, that first chapter is very clinical; did you write this to be published in an encyclopedia? I could almost hear Ben Stein's voice in my head. That's all the further I got. Should that be farther?

Thanks for reading my story. I wrote the story to be published. The story gets better later on. I also have the Gospel message later in the story. I don't know Ben Stein, so I don't know who you are comparing my story to.

Don R. Budd

Wow, that first chapter is very clinical; did you write this to be published in an encyclopedia? I could almost hear Ben Stein's voice in my head. That's all the further I got. Should that be farther?

Wow, that first chapter is very clinical; did you write this to be published in an encyclopedia? I could almost hear Ben Stein's voice in my head. That's all the further I got. Should that be farther?

Thank you for your comments. I will have to work on the he said, she said, problem. The reference to the man is only in the first chapter and then his name is introduced. I needed to set the story and then get "The man" into a situation where his name could be revealed. I'll work on it. Thanks again for your support.

Don R. Budd

Don,
This is a very interesting story. I often think of the tribulation period and worry about how it will unfold. I can imagine people saying something stupid like this president. I haven't heard of any other stories like this. I love the premise, your writing is good but I felt distant. He says and she says and says the man disconnects me as a reader. I struggled with this in my own personal writing. But reading someone else's work who has done this does make the conversation feel stifled. I did back because I like your premise and your writing skills. I would just work on using names Although, I know his name I don't feel like I can know a character frequently callled the man. I hope this helps. I did back and will come back later to see how this unfolds. Lisa

Don,
This is a very interesting story. I often think of the tribulation period and worry about how it will unfold. I can imagine people saying something stupid like this president. I haven't heard of any other stories like this. I love the premise, your writing is good but I felt distant. He says and she says and says the man disconnects me as a reader. I struggled with this in my own personal writing. But reading someone else's work who has done this does make the conversation feel stifled. I did back because I like your premise and your writing skills. I would just work on using names Although, I know his name I don't feel like I can know a character frequently callled the man. I hope this helps. I did back and will come back later to see how this unfolds. Lisa