Shining Dawn

{Shining Dawn} – A G Chaudhuri

Can I be cheeky and say this is your substitute HC review, while you’re waiting? ;)

So first, I read your pitch, and it simply grabbed me. I wanted to read this for pure personal pleasure, and that is what I did – all your uploaded chapters (and I would have read more if they were available). Before I continue, I might just add that with the current volume of return-reads I have piled up, you’ve done great to catch my attention and keep me engaged for over 30k words.

Overall the premise is interesting, the execution clever. Lots of action to keep readers gripped, a strong sense of underlying mystery, and deeper messages shining [Like my use of the verb? ;)] through from beneath the surface plot. I’m going to talk about these deeper messages first, because I think they are incredibly important given the current problems we face in the world today. And they make your book special.

I’d like to quote a few lines from the dialogue in chapter 9 (autho):
“Our world is dying… And ironically we don’t even realize it yet.”
“We are supposed to act as custodians and nurture Nature’s gifts, instead of destroying all other lesser species and looting and plundering the planet’s natural wealth for the sake of our own greed.”

Throughout the story, you cleverly raise some important issues concerning the state of our own planet, issues we must face, and the more destructive tendencies of the human race. I say that you do this *cleverly* because at no point in time does the reader feel like they are at a lecture. They are simply enjoying the story, while these words weave into the mind and stick there.

With the world in the state that it is in today, I think your book has potential to do great.
1) The fast-paced nature of the storytelling will appeal to readers who are not necessarily too engaged with global issues, yet through the course of your book you may succeed in increasing their awareness/ make them reflect on society and human nature.
2) Due to this depth (and also the well-researched, believable scientific elements), appeal extends to the intellectual class/those seeking more from a book than just escapism and thrill.

In short, I think you can round up a wide readership range with this book. And, I can imagine it being turned into a movie… so you would reach out to an even bigger audience.

Have I bumped your ego by this point? I hope so, because you should be incredibly proud of what you have produced. I will diverge from the praise for a moment, however, to give some more constructive feedback. I know this is too late for the HarperCollins review, but still I want to mention this. Please also do bear in mind that this is just one girl’s opinion – my tastes may be considerably different from the audience you intend for this book.

If I had to criticize you on one point, it would be on the character development of Zak. Now don’t worry, I don’t mean to say you’ve created an inconsistent, flat, boring character. Precisely not. And again, what I’m about to talk about may be irrelevant for the type of book you want to produce. (Plus remember that I did read your entire upload and thoroughly enjoy it, so this is only a minor point!)

But my thought is that you could perhaps do a lot more with Zak and his emotions, to engage readers with him on a greater personal level (as opposed to just following him as he flees pursuit/being engaged through the action).

Now I’m a reader/writer who is obsessed with characters and their emotions, psychological turmoil and internal struggle. So bear in mind it’s quite hard to please me in this regard, when I say for me that Zak feels a little ‘blank’. The holes in his memory, gaps in his recent past, make him an enigma with dimmed emotions. I don’t feel too strongly for him and his predicament – it’s the mystery, the great pace, and good plot that keep me reading.

By all means, these ‘memory gaps’ are crucial for the story, as his memories are obviously important, and rediscovering them will reveal the mystery. Still, I feel readers could benefit by feeling a bit more of, say, inner turmoil at having parts of him simply blank. How would it feel? Perhaps at times he struggles to remember, something, anything, to piece together a broken identity?

At present, you have some great dream sequences that are powerfully written (loved the one in autho chapter 2, The Call: 1) Now my suggestion would be to infuse some flashbacks/ have residual bits and pieces of memory surfacing more often throughout the story. You wouldn’t have to give away any secrets, but you could use these very flashbacks to build the mystery even more so. If every now and then there is an emotive/descriptive paragraph relating to some unspoken event in the past, the ominous feeling would build. You would only heighten tension further, and strengthen the foreboding mood.

However, in saying that, I’ll remind you once more that I am only one type of reader. With all advice, make sure to keep in mind what YOU as an author want to do, and who you want to read your book. If you don’t see a need to develop Zak more, you are still going to pick up a huge following – this is a minor point that won’t matter to many.
Or, if you want to take note of this feedback, I don’t think much extra work will be required (and, if you want more specifics, feel free to get in touch!) So either way, again, not a big issue.

And back to the praise shower. Your pacing is excellent from the very beginning. I like the calm, almost melancholic mood in the first half of the prologue, which is then punctured by the ferocity of the quakes and volcanic eruption. The story as a whole is like a rollercoaster ride, with tension rising and falling. You balance the infusion of details about this alternate reality/setting/character backgrounds, with fast-paced action. Extremely important for a thriller.

Your mastery of pacing, I’ll also say, is evident on both a macroscopic and microscopic level. By this I mean not only does the tension of the work as a whole rise and fall, but so too does your writing style vary within a given scene. Short, sharp sentences are used at crucial moments, interspersing longer and more eloquent ones that draw out the suspense. Your style itself engages readers – not only the greater story that is unfolding. I’ll add here that you even manage to add some humourous touches, (autho ch10); “Hey no problem mate… I guess your butt’s a part of the team now.”

Lastly, the scientific elements are well researched. The reader has a strong sense of place, there is constancy in setting and details.

I wish you every success with this book, and best of luck with your HarperCollins review. And no matter what happens, I’m sure you’ll do well. This book has strong market potential (okay, so I’m not an expert, but it’s my gut feeling), and has important messages to accompany its gripping and mysterious plot. I expect to buy it one day, and read the ending – don’t let me down :)

Once more, congratulations!

Sincerely,
Cara

AG, I’ve put together a Quantitative Critique Score Sheet to respond to your story from a contest perspective. I hope you find this informative and helpful. (Max 10x10 pts)

Title: [Shining Dawn]
Author: [A.G.Chaudhuri]

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[09] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[09] Enjoyment
[10] Interest

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[10] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[10] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[10] Coherent / Order
[09] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[09] Pitch (a bit long with minor plot give away)

TOTAL
[96 /100]

Comments: This is a story I very much enjoyed and appreciated. I look forward to purchasing the book for my real bookshelf.

E L Russell

SHINING DAWN
A. G. Chaudhuri

Again, thank you for the invitation to read your novel. It is easy to see how you arrived at number six in the ranks. Your writing gives new meaning to the phrase, non-stop action. You don't miss a beat as you move this story along at an incredible pace. This accelerates the expectation of what will come next. It put me in a state of high alert as I followed along with your characters. I cared enough about them to feel the anxiety and feel as though I was with them throughout.

Clever to introduce that little dog, Buddy. An animal always brings out the need to protect them and I thank you for saving him from the dreaded beast.

I am one of those who is familiar with science fiction and fantasy. That is my preferred genre so I feel I am appreciative of a writers work in that arena. For those who have said they do not usually read that kind of story, I am sure they were pleasantly surprised to discover that you have covered more bases than one with this book. It provides terror, suspense, mystery enough to satisfy readers of that sort of story with a pace that grabs and runs away with them.

What fun it was and I am glad I read all fourteen chapters you have posted here. I am looking forward to Mindscape and have an urgent need to follow this to the end. For me, you have provided a brilliant, entertaining and exciting story. I hope you will let me know should you post more chapters.

Backed with admiration. Best of luck with your ascent to the editor's desk.

Sincerely,
Mary Enck
A King in Time

A.G. I am not a reader of sci fi, but this pretty much works for me because it deals with a subject based in reality as far as the idea of the destruction of the planet by industrialization. It is happening, and it upsets me very much to hear some people deny it. If people have just the very basic understanding of chemistry how could anyone not concede that if enough chemicals are pumped into the air it will alter the structure of the atmosphere? not to mention poison dumped into the water. oh well..

You write very well. and there's good tension in this story and a good buildup of mystery. All the characters are well thought out and the reader gets a very clear understanding. I thought I noticed one slight thing wrong and maybe I'm wrong, and may have gotten off track, but see what you think...early in the story you had described a weapon manufactured at the company Zak had worked for and he was remembering that he had designed the weapon while working for the company and he had total recall of that but later in the story he stated he did not have any memory of his work there up until the time he was picked up and sent off to jail. If I'm wrong, write it off because I did get confused at a few points.

This story has a fast pace and huge action and it's VERY visual, lots of elaborate description. I would think for sci fi it would work great written as a script. I will say again, I like the fact that it delivers a message in its own way, and personally I feel it's good for a story to have that. On another personal note, I would say remove any bad language, because I think it would be better that way and also because an audience of young people will want to read this.

I think you show great ability as a writer. You have insight. You show a good range. You do well with reality, emotional issues, and you do well with imaginative and creative writing. You've written a great plot and I remember hearing an experienced writer saying that if you want to learn how to write a good story, write mysteries, not because you love it, but because it teaches you how to plot. This is science fiction but also a very good mystery.

I would love to see something like this worked out as a Christian novel, but of course it would have to be altered a great deal, and I don't presume to write your story for you. I think overall you've shown your talent and I offer my complements. I hope you finish it. Thank you for the invitation to read your story. julie

AGC,

Firstly apologies for taking a while to drop a comment on your blood sweat & tears (not sure if you did, just talking on personal authoring experience – my study is a biological hazard) - late nights, early mornings, work, blah, blah... I was planning on reading the whole MS first, but decided to rate against where I’m at (will come back with closing comments again later).

Quick note: Asimov – thank you! I didn’t know who he was! Can’t believe it looking back, but it’s true. He is now on my reading list. Even found an unread short story in my library (small room, big book case).

Quick disclaimer – I’m not ‘qualified’, if you will, to comment on grammar, contexts, and all the other stuff that intelligent authory people take for granted. Haven’t been writing long, certainly not claiming to be any good at it. I have read a lot of books however, sci-fi books, and it is with this - flow of the story, words, the urge to read on (hookyness), and general awesomeness, would I buy it, etc - that I have written the following:

1) I would buy it, its hooky and awesome.

2) Prologue is very visual and sets a superb scene, there is no doubt that anyone reading this is going to turn the page and continue. The hook is lodged deep in my flesh at this point. I can ‘see’ the story as it unfolds. The descriptions of Big City are cinematic, showing development of the human condition, future environment, and the divisions of caste well.

3) The plot is gripping - you tease, and you tease well. Even found myself thinking about it during the day and trying to work out what the twists will be. Very close to the mark with mother-earth as it stands. Love the way you have called existing tech different names, all my favourite authors do this... Sometimes you explain the meaning of things, acronyms, etc, within brackets. I personally don’t recon this is needed, let the reader think about it a bit more. Draw them in. Sow the seeds. Just drop it into the story at some point.

To summarise; your story flows nicely, and I’ve struggled to turn off my data slate during the last few night-cycles. I’d even go as far as blaming you personally for turning up to work looking tired and unkempt.

You have a voice my friend. It is a shame this is not in hard print (prefer the feel of real books). If it was I would buy it - when it is, let me know.

Rating is high. Best wishes for the ED.

J.

A.G. I know you don't need another reader, but your story came up on the Pitch Me so I read it. (I seem to find all of my readings to comment on there). This is fantastic. You write with focus and you take the reader with you into the night. Enjoyable!!
--emarie
Jackson Jacob Henry Brown, III

Loving it

This is action packed and very good. I think that in the first chapter the description of the "landquake" goes on for a bit much, but it was descriptive. The rest of it held my attention nicely. I won't go on about the book, since you have made the editor's desk. So, good job.

Abby

Not that you need anymore comments on an exceptional piece of science fiction literature, but Isaac Asimov, Michael Crichton, and Ray Bradbury would be glad to know the 2000 caldera science fiction torch burns bright here!

You brought great tension, science, mystery, and honesty to "Shining Dawn". No wonder it hit the editor's desk so fast.

Get another book out AGC so I can lend my full support to my brother from a xenogenetic mother.

Thanks again for backing my books too.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou" & "The Wings of the Seraph"

Geez, you've packed a lot into one little book! A great underlying environmental theme, with plenty of drama and action on the surface to keep us busy. Your writing is first rate -- you've probably already figured that out, having made the ED. Best of luck with this!
And if you have any interest in children's literature, please come take a look at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

{Shining Dawn} – A G Chaudhuri

Can I be cheeky and say this is your substitute HC review, while you’re waiting? ;)

So first, I read your pitch, and it simply grabbed me. I wanted to read this for pure personal pleasure, and that is what I did – all your uploaded chapters (and I would have read more if they were available). Before I continue, I might just add that with the current volume of return-reads I have piled up, you’ve done great to catch my attention and keep me engaged for over 30k words.

Overall the premise is interesting, the execution clever. Lots of action to keep readers gripped, a strong sense of underlying mystery, and deeper messages shining [Like my use of the verb? ;)] through from beneath the surface plot. I’m going to talk about these deeper messages first, because I think they are incredibly important given the current problems we face in the world today. And they make your book special.

I’d like to quote a few lines from the dialogue in chapter 9 (autho):
“Our world is dying… And ironically we don’t even realize it yet.”
“We are supposed to act as custodians and nurture Nature’s gifts, instead of destroying all other lesser species and looting and plundering the planet’s natural wealth for the sake of our own greed.”

Throughout the story, you cleverly raise some important issues concerning the state of our own planet, issues we must face, and the more destructive tendencies of the human race. I say that you do this *cleverly* because at no point in time does the reader feel like they are at a lecture. They are simply enjoying the story, while these words weave into the mind and stick there.

With the world in the state that it is in today, I think your book has potential to do great.
1) The fast-paced nature of the storytelling will appeal to readers who are not necessarily too engaged with global issues, yet through the course of your book you may succeed in increasing their awareness/ make them reflect on society and human nature.
2) Due to this depth (and also the well-researched, believable scientific elements), appeal extends to the intellectual class/those seeking more from a book than just escapism and thrill.

In short, I think you can round up a wide readership range with this book. And, I can imagine it being turned into a movie… so you would reach out to an even bigger audience.

Have I bumped your ego by this point? I hope so, because you should be incredibly proud of what you have produced. I will diverge from the praise for a moment, however, to give some more constructive feedback. I know this is too late for the HarperCollins review, but still I want to mention this. Please also do bear in mind that this is just one girl’s opinion – my tastes may be considerably different from the audience you intend for this book.

If I had to criticize you on one point, it would be on the character development of Zak. Now don’t worry, I don’t mean to say you’ve created an inconsistent, flat, boring character. Precisely not. And again, what I’m about to talk about may be irrelevant for the type of book you want to produce. (Plus remember that I did read your entire upload and thoroughly enjoy it, so this is only a minor point!)

But my thought is that you could perhaps do a lot more with Zak and his emotions, to engage readers with him on a greater personal level (as opposed to just following him as he flees pursuit/being engaged through the action).

Now I’m a reader/writer who is obsessed with characters and their emotions, psychological turmoil and internal struggle. So bear in mind it’s quite hard to please me in this regard, when I say for me that Zak feels a little ‘blank’. The holes in his memory, gaps in his recent past, make him an enigma with dimmed emotions. I don’t feel too strongly for him and his predicament – it’s the mystery, the great pace, and good plot that keep me reading.

By all means, these ‘memory gaps’ are crucial for the story, as his memories are obviously important, and rediscovering them will reveal the mystery. Still, I feel readers could benefit by feeling a bit more of, say, inner turmoil at having parts of him simply blank. How would it feel? Perhaps at times he struggles to remember, something, anything, to piece together a broken identity?

At present, you have some great dream sequences that are powerfully written (loved the one in autho chapter 2, The Call: 1) Now my suggestion would be to infuse some flashbacks/ have residual bits and pieces of memory surfacing more often throughout the story. You wouldn’t have to give away any secrets, but you could use these very flashbacks to build the mystery even more so. If every now and then there is an emotive/descriptive paragraph relating to some unspoken event in the past, the ominous feeling would build. You would only heighten tension further, and strengthen the foreboding mood.

However, in saying that, I’ll remind you once more that I am only one type of reader. With all advice, make sure to keep in mind what YOU as an author want to do, and who you want to read your book. If you don’t see a need to develop Zak more, you are still going to pick up a huge following – this is a minor point that won’t matter to many.
Or, if you want to take note of this feedback, I don’t think much extra work will be required (and, if you want more specifics, feel free to get in touch!) So either way, again, not a big issue.

And back to the praise shower. Your pacing is excellent from the very beginning. I like the calm, almost melancholic mood in the first half of the prologue, which is then punctured by the ferocity of the quakes and volcanic eruption. The story as a whole is like a rollercoaster ride, with tension rising and falling. You balance the infusion of details about this alternate reality/setting/character backgrounds, with fast-paced action. Extremely important for a thriller.

Your mastery of pacing, I’ll also say, is evident on both a macroscopic and microscopic level. By this I mean not only does the tension of the work as a whole rise and fall, but so too does your writing style vary within a given scene. Short, sharp sentences are used at crucial moments, interspersing longer and more eloquent ones that draw out the suspense. Your style itself engages readers – not only the greater story that is unfolding. I’ll add here that you even manage to add some humourous touches, (autho ch10); “Hey no problem mate… I guess your butt’s a part of the team now.”

Lastly, the scientific elements are well researched. The reader has a strong sense of place, there is constancy in setting and details.

I wish you every success with this book, and best of luck with your HarperCollins review. And no matter what happens, I’m sure you’ll do well. This book has strong market potential (okay, so I’m not an expert, but it’s my gut feeling), and has important messages to accompany its gripping and mysterious plot. I expect to buy it one day, and read the ending – don’t let me down :)

Once more, congratulations!

Sincerely,
Cara

Shining Dawn is the benchmark I set to create something as entertaining as this. AG thanks for your help, insight and advice. Continued success in your writing and I hope to read more stories from you.

I made massive edits and chapter tie ins to bring humor and horror together with "The Devil Of Black Bayou" to improve on character complexity. Check out the conversation between Lucifer and Antoine now in chapter one or the humorous attack in chapter two or the vampire voodoo dolls.--JL

AG, I hope your book is finding a publisher--or that several publishers are fighting for the rights! Could I ask you to take a look at my revised short and long pitches to see if they say it better? Thanks so much.
Barbara Jurgensen To Catch a Speckled Trout

all the best with ED....
Hope to see your book to one of sci-fi evening TV series - usa...
well written and well details...
i am speachless and i will use some of your written to improve mine...hope that be ok...
x

Thanks for your support and open and honest review of "The Devil Of Black Bayou". I updated the first chapter as you recommended and it kicks pretty good now.

A.G. I put "Shining Dawn" on the shelf due to the complexity and believability of the characters. The writing is solid and I like the inclusion of Buddy into the story. It's unfortunate that the pets in the later chapters of my novel are not as friendly but occasionally funny.--JL

This is amazingly well written. Great plot and pace, it keeps you needing to read more. In chapter 1 (I think), Zak watches the news on television and I thought this a wonderful way to tie the two parts of the story thus far together and also quickly introduces the reader to current world affairs.
Your writing is very descriptive and it is easy to see the whole world in your mind's eye. There are also many hooks developing rapidly in the first few chapters.
The story flows very nicely.
Sorry that I do not have constructive criticism for you, but that is simply because your work is fantastic!
Best of luck with this!

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Sorry I missed this one before you made the desk, but I'm enjoying it nontheless. you have a good eye for detail I admire your use of language. Great imagaination!

AG a writer of your caliber would be a considerable mentor to review "The Devil Of Black Bayou". Be warned though that as you sink your teeth into my novel that my characters will bite back.

Congratulations!

It's great to see the books I've read ahead in the rank and make it to the desk, it's inspiring.

I wish you well.

~ Jeques

Congratulations!

It's great to see the books I've read ahead in the rank and make it to the desk, it's inspiring.

I wish you well.

~ Jeques

Dear Ian,
Thank you for your comments.
But, shelving my book is unnecessary as it has already reached the ED.
Please feel free to offer its place to another deserving book instead.
Here are the clarifications to the points raised by you:
# The story is set in an alternate reality - an earth which is similar to ours, yet distinct in its own way.
This point is mentioned in the very first line of my short pitch. Thus, you get 'landquakes', 'gyrocopters' and 'buneeps'. ;-)
# Every genre has its distinctive flavour, ignoring which can rob the story of its very essence. Therefore, keeping alive the brooding spirit of dystopian fiction, Shining Dawn is a completely original story. You'll realise that as you read on.
# Volcanic fumes turning the moon golden sounds quite dramatic, but I'm afraid, is not practicable.
Volcanic fumes are composed mostly of water vapour, SO2, CO2, H2S, HCl, etc. which are all colourless gases. While they may sometimes create a dull bluish haze over the sun in the daytime, my little research hasn't shown them to ever change the colour of the moon. But some of them do have irritating odours. Remember the old man sneezing ?
# Finally, the reference to gold is not only significant, but critical.
Best regards,
AGC

Read the first few chapters and they comprise an intriguing opening to this story set on a dystopic Earth of the not-too-distant future.

Clearly the old place has changed: certainly in terms of its political geography, but its physical geography also doesn't seem quite the same. What were once "earthquakes" are now referred to as "landquakes", which perhaps suggests that we're not in fact on Earth at all.

Some sort of enormous, worldwide upheaval seems to have occurred, to the extent that many species have become extinct and even their names have been forgotten, so that the producers of the TV show Zak watches have had to invent new ones.

The premise and the story themselves don't seem particularly original: there's an ongoing environmental catastrophe and some kind of immense, menacing conspiracy tied in with it, which are things that have been written about many times. But this is certainly a timely novel: the interview with Sir Sage, the world leader, who attempts to justify the continuing exploitation of fossil fuels in the face of protests, rings very true. It's a trait of a good sci-fi story that even an outrageously exotic setting has connections with our world that resonate and draw us in.

And this is just a minor quibble for me, but the pre-title line about the ancient definition of gold, followed immediately by the opening line in which the village is described lying under a SILVERY moon, is jarring. Perhaps the eruption could have been foreshadowed by the old man remarking that the moon looked unusually golden tonight (because, unknown to him, of fumes from the volcano)?

Very promising, though. It's going on my shelf.

Read the first few chapters and they comprise an intriguing opening to this story set on a dystopic Earth of the not-too-distant future.

Clearly the old place has changed: certainly in terms of its political geography, but its physical geography also doesn't seem quite the same. What were once "earthquakes" are now referred to as "landquakes", which perhaps suggests that we're not in fact on Earth at all.

Some sort of enormous, worldwide upheaval seems to have occurred, to the extent that many species have become extinct and even their names have been forgotten, so that the producers of the TV show Zak watches have had to invent new ones.

The premise and the story themselves don't seem particularly original: there's an ongoing environmental catastrophe and some kind of immense, menacing conspiracy tied in with it, which are things that have been written about many times. But this is certainly a timely novel: the interview with Sir Sage, the world leader, who attempts to justify the continuing exploitation of fossil fuels in the face of protests, rings very true. It's a trait of a good sci-fi story that even an outrageously exotic setting has connections with our world that resonate and draw us in.

And this is just a minor quibble for me, but the pre-title line about the ancient definition of gold, followed immediately by the opening line in which the village is described lying under a SILVERY moon, is jarring. Perhaps the eruption could have been foreshadowed by the old man remarking that the moon looked unusually golden tonight (because, unknown to him, of fumes from the volcano)?

Very promising, though. It's going on my shelf.

Read the first few chapters and they comprise an intriguing opening to this story set on a dystopic Earth of the not-too-distant future.

Clearly the old place has changed: certainly in terms of its political geography, but its physical geography also doesn't seem quite the same. What were once "earthquakes" are now referred to as "landquakes", which perhaps suggests that we're not in fact on Earth at all.

Some sort of enormous, worldwide upheaval seems to have occurred, to the extent that many species have become extinct and even their names have been forgotten, so that the producers of the TV show Zak watches have had to invent new ones.

The premise and the story themselves don't seem particularly original: there's an ongoing environmental catastrophe and some kind of immense, menacing conspiracy tied in with it, which are things that have been written about many times. But this is certainly a timely novel: the interview with Sir Sage, the world leader, who attempts to justify the continuing exploitation of fossil fuels in the face of protests, rings very true. It's a trait of a good sci-fi story that even an outrageously exotic setting has connections with our world that resonate and draw us in.

And this is just a minor quibble for me, but the pre-title line about the ancient definition of gold, followed immediately by the opening line in which the village is described lying under a SILVERY moon, is jarring. Perhaps the eruption could have been foreshadowed by the old man remarking that the moon looked unusually golden tonight (because, unknown to him, of fumes from the volcano)?

Very promising, though. It's going on my shelf.

G'day! A.G Chaudhuri,

We are all so pleased with your result.

Such a long hard slog for you, mate - but also an exciting grand finish!

Well done!

And well deserved too

Regards,
KEN BLOWERS
(For those who don't know: I'm the old English gent living in Australia. I have written no novels, but I have put up six books of short stories and five books of plays.
Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations, which is my most popular book so far! Here's the link:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/
And to see all the books, try this one too:
http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx

AG,

I read some of your story. It was very interesting. How do you plan to have Christianity come through in your story? I prefer stories that have the Gospel somewhere in the story. My three stories listed on this thread all promote the Gospel. Here there are Christian characters and issues. Where will your story fit? I'll back your story, but I would like to see some christian characters or issues discussed and played out in the story. After all this is a christian thread and people here want Zandervan to pick them to publish.

I have been approached by Dorrance Publishing to publish my story Demon War. That is a great idea, but I would have to subsidize the publishing. But I would make 80% on the sales. That's good for not being up in the ratings. You may also get picked by a publisher, if you have a strong enough Christian story.

Best wishes, Your brother in Christ,

Don R Budd

(𝄞♫♪ humming ♫♩) You're gonna make it! Yeah!

A great SF book!

I see you don't really need my backing, I don't see you having any trouble hanging onto the top spot. I have finally got around to reviewing your book though and thought I might offer some comments to think about.

In term of the plot, I like it. I imagine it is a popular subject in current times. I liked the prologue. although I wonder if it has any relevance, other than to highlight a situation that has happened. I like that I feel sad when the old man dies, you've given me a character that I want to be important. That is why I ask whether it is really relevant because I wonder whether he is some critical factor in the plot and I will likely be disappointed if her isn't. I'm not saying cut it but I am challenging you to consider the relevance of the scene if we don't go back there.

I picked up a few editorial points you might want to consider as I went along:

Ch1, para 3 'comprised of' - a major pet hate of mine is the way people use the word comprise. In this sentence you either need to add 'was' in front or cut the 'of' off. (sorry I can't get passed it for some reason) :)

Ch2: I find my attention drifts about half way through the television interview. I've just been introduced to Zak through his dreams and now I'm listening to something that doesn't include him. I would recommend either shortening the interview a bit or better still, shift my view back to Zak every now and then. I want to see him react even if it is only to frown. I hope that makes sense.

CH3: The description of the city around him feels like I am analysing it as a stranger, not someone who looks at it every day. But this is the norm for Zak. Perhaps you could look at some rewording to shift into his perspective, for example 'he trudged down the narrow stretch of asphalt...', 'his eyes combed over the neighbouring residential towers with their identical spiral walkways'...

'relatively cleaner' would either be 'relatively clean' or 'cleaner'.

'communicator vibrated akwardly': how is a communicator akward? :)

In the description of the communicator you say it is heavy and bulky and the newer ones are slim and light. You are really saying the same thing twice and the reader can figure that out for themselves. Maybe a more direct comparison: 'his old communicator was heavy and bulky, unlike the newer sleeker, shinier ones you can get now. But it was sturdy and it felt goo to him.' or somthing like that.

There are a couple of places where you use too many words, somethign that is usually eliminated after a few edits (and someone less close to the work pointing them out, as I have discovered recently) eg 'means of livlihood': livelihood is enough on its own; also, 'stared once again for a few moments' doesn't need the once again. It makes the sentence bulky.

Those are all writing issues though. I am intrigued by the story, I already sympathise with the characters and I find that, in general, your writing paints a good picture. I don't really trip over the sentences with extra words so they aren't damaging.

I await the HC review with anticipation. I think you have a very promising book here.

Danielle

Well done, fine chap! Number one and holding! I am guessing good luck is yours! Bravo!

Great concept, quite realistic, a take on “the end of times” of our world. Good story and passionate telling, one I’ll certainly like to fully read someday in its final published form. It’s very deserving and I’ll buy if for it’s my kind of stuff. There, however, seems to be two prologues; the beginning of the first chapter sounds like a second prologue. You may need to do some courageous cutting so you done loose the reader. Launching straight into the story after the imagery of the first prologue might hold your readers. You could incorporate the nightmare at the beginning of the first chapter into the story without actually “telling” it. Or you could make it into a prologue. The prose could also do with some tightening. There are a few redundant words that could be taken out and some conjunctions could be substituted with comas, or sentences broken up and reconstructed. All said, we have the essence of a great thriller here and some professional editing could only make it really great. Good job AGC.

Great concept, quite realistic, a take on “the end of times” of our world. Good story and passionate telling, one I’ll certainly like to fully read someday in its final published form. It’s very deserving and I’ll buy if for it’s my kind of stuff. There, however, seems to be two prologues; the beginning of the first chapter sounds like a second prologue. You may need to do some courageous cutting so you done loose the reader. Launching straight into the story after the imagery of the first prologue might hold your readers. You could incorporate the nightmare at the beginning of the first chapter into the story without actually “telling” it. Or you could make it into a prologue. The prose could also do with some tightening. There are a few redundant words that could be taken out and some conjunctions could be substituted with comas, or sentences broken up and reconstructed. All said, we have the essence of a great thriller here and some professional editing could only make it really great. Good job AGC.

cool book! i hope you write a sequel to this and a prequel. i enjoyed every minute of it. it was a very origianl idea.

AG, thanks for the invite. Added to my list and will try to start this weekend. Am finishing three others started this week but some days go faster for reading than others. Love the synopsis - checked out The Stand to refresh my brain - that 120K words freaked me a bit - remember taking several days to read THAT but it was 150K so took my breath back - it's all good! Looking forward to the read! Ciao, bello! Tarri

Side note: first read it as "amnesiac psychiatrist" and thought that would be very interesting and poetic justice. Then read it right and my readjusted brain went back to it's mundane daily drama.

I haven't read much science fiction in my lfie but when I do, I always seem to enjoy it. This is a masterfully told tale and I can see why it's at number one.

Much thought and effort has gone in to producing this manuscript. This fact comes through right from the very beginning. There is not much more I could add to the very fine comments already expressed, but I do feel it is important to recognize the devotion it took to craft this opus.

When I heard so many people raving about this book, I was expecting something really special - and you have exceeded my expectations! You write with incredible flair - the detailed and varied vocabulary is pretty much spot-on. The references to to GM crops, resources, and other issues faced in our world adds reality too.
One point though - in paragraph three of the prologue, you use the phrase "comprised of." Technically it should be just "comprised" or "consisted of." I've consulted external sources on this too.
Congratulations on your success so far! Hope to see you published very soon.
Best wishes, Isabel.

Hi Chaudhuri,
It is a great pleasure reading your premise and unfortunately I have just 24 hours in a day during week days. That means I am going to enjoy reading your book on weekend. I will comment after that,
best of luck
venkatarama dandibhotla

Looking at other comments it is clear that this is a popular and well liked book. For me however, it missed the mark. The plot may be good but I found the writing stilted. The style shifted from plain and clear to adjective stuffed and back again within a couple of sentences. As though chunks had been rewritten with a thesaurus to hand. After four chapters I gave up. Sorry!

As an engineer and sci-fi nerd, I couldn't wait to read Shining Dawn. You didn't let me down. Great book, suspenseful, exciting, and very well-written. It's no surprise to me that it's number one on Authonomy.

Great job!

Editman

This book is a really great read. It's definitely where it deserves to be at the top of the list

SHINING DAWN

This is excellent. I’m a fan of post apocalyptic fiction—and a geologist—and I loved your description of the volcano erupting and incinerating the town. I thought your descriptions were great, and I could feel the tension before the old man’s life came to an abrupt end in the first chapter.

The beginning of chapter two threw me for a minute—I had no idea what was going on. But once Zak woke up, I understood, of course that this was a bad dream. :-) You have created a lot of mystery in your beginning chapters, raising lots of questions that I’m dying to know the answer to—like why everyone incinerates in the boy’s dream.

I have a couple of nit-picky suggestions if you think they might be useful to you:
* In chapter 1, you have a paragraph that reads: “…. Such thoughts made him sad, but he refused to dwell on them…. Still lost in thoughts of her….” I think this is probably okay, since he’s trying to change his train of thought from what it is, but maybe it would help to word this a little differently so it doesn’t seem contradictory. Up to you.
* At the end of chapter 1 when the pyroclastic cloud comes down and wipes out the town, zooming out to seeing the whole town incinerate throws me off because we were just barely in the old man’s POV up until that point. Rewording a few things to tighten the POV so it stays on the old man until the end might be helpful. Although, it’s certainly fine to shift POV back to an omniscient narrator or whatnot, if that’s what you intended. You change POVs after this anyway, so, again, it’s up to you.
Hope this was helpful.

This reminds me of how Michael Crichton begins a lot of his novels—with characters we get attached to that are killed off or that disappear from the story after the first chapter, and the story picks up with a host of new characters after that. You have good prose, and an intriguing story.

You’re up there at number 1! I hope you get a really good review from HC after you pass to their desk. :-)

Sarah E.S.
Destiny of Species

A.G., you are a master at creating suspense. As I was reading, I quickly realized that this book would make an excellent movie, and I see that many of those who have commented share the same opinion. I am not one to read science fiction, but if I did your work would capture my attention and find its way on to my reading list. I am not one to critique fiction, but was it enjoyable to read? Yes, it was! I certainly will give your book a high rating.

Blessings,
Michael Tobias
"The Powers of the Age to Come"

I'm more into watching sci-fi movies rather than reading sci-fi books. But I can recognize good writing when I see it. And a good plot that moves along at a great pace. SHINING DAWN fits all of the above. Now back to the movie reference, if SHINING DAWN were a movie, I'd watch it more than once. Congrats on making the editor's desk! Well deserved :)

Eden Ashley
The Siren's Heart

Read your first chapter and must say well done! I don't generally read sci-fi but this one drew me in. I could picture the small town and the lonely old man. My only qualm is I would have liked to know his name.
Significant enough to have the first page, to me, he deserved a name.
Best of luck with your book and review!
Cheers, Red
Illusions of Comfort

Good stuff... highly starred :-)

Hi AG, it's me again!

I just finished what you've got posted and was left thinking "noooooo... where's the rest of it?! I must know what happens next!" Again, you're really good with suspense and creating mysteries. I could go on and on about everything I love about your book, but I'm sure that's already been said by the 2350572350 (or whatever) people before me, so suffice it to say that I think this is excellent :-)

The only critique I would have is that some of the action sequences read more like a screenplay than a novel - since this is a book, you have the luxury of telling your audience how poor Zak feels about being thrown into this mess, and I think it would be interesting to see more of what's going through this unfortunate everyman's head. You've got quite the story here, and I think it could go from amazing to extraordinary we got to know the characters a little better.

Anyways, best of luck with the editor's desk! And I really hope this goes on to get published... I want to know how it ends!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

5 stars from me, well written and an interesting catchy story. I hope to read more of it over the weekend. good luck with it :)

Continued review for: A. G. Chaudhuri's Shining Dawn
Date: 02.15.2012
Chapter: 3
Review By: Elizabeth Raine
Previous Chapters: 1-2
Previous Review: 01.10.2012

I am happy to admit that this chapter holds onto the reader's interest and proves to get better with each chapter.

A few favorites from this one: (hope you don't mind):
How Zak would choose the cellphone that his grandfather gave him says a lot about his character and it's always nice to find small traits in manuscripts like this, in my opinion.
The voice on the other end of the phone calling out his name but it being muffled and distant is genius. Seems eery and sets the reader in an almost anxious state of mind (maybe I've looked too much into it or am too much of a horror fan). I sure do know if I had received the call, I'd be a little uneasy with it.
I must stress on how much of a knack(sp?) you have for the anxiety/darker scenes. They really come to life within your writing as well as others. (Referring to Dr Elric Vigor)
FINALLY! We get to know who had been calling Zak. I really like how that was thrown in there. I wonder what/who was jamming the signal.
AH! No. I wonder what happened to the doctor, love how it ends there on a sort of cliff-hanger. Through the entire scene I was (metaphorically) on the edge of my seat.

Wow. Just WOW. The ending of the chapter is so hard-hitting, if you know what I mean. The way you built up to where Dr. Vigor--wait, I shouldn't post spoilers. But I can't believe that! There is some serious secret going on and it makes for one intense read. Great job once again!

I'm just so blown away by your use of vocabulary and the various ways you describe certain aspects in the manuscript. It has been a blast to read further on Shining Dawn. So happy you have made it to the Editor's Desk. I knew you would!

6/6 stars still (haven't changed it) and you're on my WL and it's still on my shelf. :)

~ Elizabeth.

Hi A.G. Congrats on your book's success so far.

First thing I would point out, your first three paragraphs all start with, "The..." Try to mix it up a little.

For instance, instead of "The district comprised..." Maybe switch it to something like, "Composed of just over five thousand people, fishermen and whalers made up the bulk of the close-knit community." Community might not be the right word there, but it looks a little better than colony. I don't know. You could switch it up a few ways and see what you like best.

Hmmmm.... Later in the paragraph you talk about how the colony relies on fishing and whaling. Isn't that already clear when you say fishermen and whalers make up most of the population?

Maybe get rid of "The district comprised..." and start the paragraph with, "While the rest of Whiteland....." then when you get to "remained a rustic community", you could say, "a rustic community of just over five thousand people. Close-knit and simple in their ways, they relied on fishing and whaling...."

"her warm company" maybe change to "her companionship"?

You say "much" a few extra times there. How MUCH he longed to be with her, how MUCH he mised her, how MUCH he craved... I'd remove at least two of them. i.e "he longed to be with her, he sorely missed her, how badly he craved..."

You already say its a very cold night, and soon you say the neighbors are all asleep, so you don't really need to say "completely deserted AT THAT HOUR." At that hour could be scratched.

"The men sometimes had to stay away...." I don't think that paragraph belongs there. Is there another part of the story you could move that to? I understand talking about how people in this area go to sleep early, as opposed to the cities that never sleep. But that whole paragraph (while written fine) just doesn't add anything to the story at this precise moment. The focus should remain mostly on this character.

"smiled inwardly" That's kind of cliche. Is he smiling outwardly too? Or just inwardly? If you want to talk about an emotion, say something about the glorious night sky put his mind at ease. He is troubled over the loss of his wife, right, and has had trouble sleeping? So describe how the night gives him some peace, serenity, etc. "smiled inwardly" is too cheap an emotion.

"although there had been no official warning yet." I don't understand that part. Do they have earthquake warnings now? What's that mean?

"trying to figure out if the tremor persisted." I'd change it to something like, "wondering if the tremor would worsen." Or "wondering if the tremor was over." You don't really "figure out" if an earthquake is "persisting." You wait a moment, wondering if that was the worst of it, right? So "wondering if the worst was over." Something like that. Just a thought.

"Or maybe, it was plain..." What about.... "Maybe it was him. Plain indigestion, he surmised...."

"when suddenly without warning" sounds a bit over-the-top. What about "when the ground began to shake. Violently. A deep rumble followed, like distant thunder."

"Screams erupted all around him." Ummm... Where did the people come from? I thought he was in his own house. Does he live with someone? Or are these his neighbors? You should clear that up. i.e. screams erupted from the neighboring houses.

"convulsed menacingly." I'd take out 'menacingly'. I know writers like to use big words (menacingly is one of my favorites), but if the ground is convulsing, we already know it is menacing. Definitely take it out. Find another spot for it.

"And his face lit up" I'd take out 'and'. I don't have a big problem with starting a sentence with 'and', but a lot of times, it just doesn't add much of anything to the suspense. In a way, I think 'and' dulls the suspense. So I'd just say his face lit up with an eerie orange glow.

"shooting up high into the sky." I'd take out high.

I like "bloody haze." Good image and description.

"had suddenly erupted"... I'd change it to, "had suddenly awoken." Or you can get cute and say "resurrected."

I'd change, "People were out there, neighbours..." to "People were out there - neighbours, friends, and family."

"A great ball of fire fell from the sky and crashed into the neighbouring house." That sounds like you are getting tired there, and relaxing on the details. That's a pretty big deal, and you sort of casually shrug it off. We need more details. For instance maybe the character hears a whistling sound, and looks up to see a great ball of fire coming down upon him. The fiery mass then slams into the neighbouring house, sending shards of (whatever the house is made of) flying about him, and coating the man in a blaze of heat. That is a LOT better than "a great ball of fire fell from the sky and crashed into the neighbouring house."

"he tried to focus on the raging volcano." Sounds a little silly. What else would he be focusing on but the chaos around him? Maybe it'd be better just to say, "Pain numbed his senses, and warm blood trickled into his eyes."

"down the slope at an incredible speed." End the sentence there.

"Aged body trembling with the effort." Try to revise that part.

One last thing. You say "had" quite a bit. Most of them I think can be cut out. Just cut out 'had', and the sentence should still work fine.

Don't take any of this badly. You've received a lot of good comments, so I figured I'd focus on things you could improve on. If you'd like, you can visit my book and get revenge.

Sounds good, I'll have a read over the weekend, good luck with the editor's desk!

Dear Mr. Chaudhuri,

Hello! Sorry it has taken so long to get back. I am new to Authonomy and still getting my sea legs. A few days ago you left me a message (I believe asking me to read your book), but because I am lousy with computers and the net, I ended up deleting several messages by mistake. I will be happy to read your book and pass along my comments, if you will do the same for me. Thanks.

Egon Richard Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

AG, "Shining Dawn" is a spectacular read! I absolutely love your style of writing. It has a way of capturing the heart and it fills the spirit with great anticipation. A new Author/mentor to keep watch for, no doubt! Thank you for the invitation it's my honor to read. I send Blessings and Well Wishes to you and I look forward to watching your writing endeavors to soar with Great Success! Amen, what a wonderful book, now I'm heading back to read more... Kathryn Gage~ Author " Poverty Our Nation's Next Epidemic... The Coming Days of Tribulation."

AG, "Shining Dawn" is a spectacular read! I absolutely love your style of writing. It has a way of capturing the heart and it fills the spirit with great anticipation. A new Author/mentor to keep watch for, no doubt! Thank you for the invitation it's my honor to read. I send Blessings and Well Wishes to you and I look forward to watching your writing endeavors to soar with Great Success! Amen, what a wonderful book, now I'm heading back to read more... Kathryn Gage~ Author " Poverty Our Nation's Next Epidemic... The Coming Days of Tribulation."

Well, AG, I don't know what I can say that hasn't been said already. I've read the first third or so of what you've got posted, and it's easy to see why this climbed up to #1 - you've got a really gripping story here with just the right mix of action and mystery. The prologue is wonderfully written, and I love the imagery you employ - the heart wrenching scene in which a beautiful piece of civilization is simply wiped out.

And man, you really know how to create suspense! So many questions raised! It's definitely a page-turner - left me thinking "what happens next?! I must know!!!" after every other paragraph. And I like how you cut to different scenes, teasing the reader with glimpses of what's going on outside of Zak's POV. It's quite... creepy, in the best way possible. You're also very good at describing action scenes and showing what's going on without getting bogged down in cumbersome details, and as a result, it moves very quickly.

The premise is also fascinating - the idea of potential destruction due to mankind's own brilliance. I haven't gotten far enough to figure out what's actually going on, but I get the idea that it involves perhaps the best of intentions going awry - risking the future for the sake of the present. The only slight criticism I might have is that I feel like I don't really know what Zak looks like or really who he is, but maybe I just need to read on :-)

Great stuff! Starred for now and will be returning for more.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project (http://authonomy.com/books/41618/astral-sea-the-pandora-project/)

Dear Jane,
Thank you for your beautiful comments.
I'm so sorry about the confusion. I was afraid that some readers might face this problem. In my very first draft, there was an author's note that explained the settings and premise of the story in a slightly oblique manner. Later on, I removed it because it was sending wrong signals about the core plot and just chose to mention it in my short pitch. The story is set in an alternate reality. But the issues that form the backdrop are topical. Should you choose to read on, you may find that its not hardcore sci-fi as the technology angle is kept at a minimum. Some other readers have described it as a metaphor for today, an expression that I was only too pleased to agree with. :-) I look forward to reading your story.
Thank you once again.
Best regards,
AGC

A.G.
Very intriguing beginning. Not really a Sci-Fi fan anymore so ignore these comments if they seem too far from left field.
Confused about locations and time setting for this story, is it planet earth or an alternate world, present time or distant futur e? In the prologue you seemed to kill the viewpoint character which disturbed me since I like to think anyone whose viewpoint I'm in will be part of the story. I felt confused also that you had an isolated society that fished and killed whales for their oil (hopefully no longer a practice on our planet) and then in chapter one have the announcer talking about oil reserves and genetic engineered crops (very much part of our current concerns). So, anyway, I felt confused rather than pulled into the first two chapters. I'm sure if I read more, my questions would be answered. Also, from the great feedback you're getting and the high ranking, I see the confusion is the readers limitation and not the authors.
The writing is beautiful, I saw no errors.
Hope you don't find my novel as confusing.
Good luck with your writing,
fledglingowl