Book Jacket

 

rank 1430
word count 51330
date submitted 06.10.2011
date updated 01.08.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller
classification: moderate
incomplete

Deadlock

Kris Mikelson

Carvorr Industries had the key to his grandaughter's survival, so Jed stole it. Now, before the world finds out, the Company must kill them both.

 

Jedidiah Markham thought that the death of his wife of thirty years would break him in two. She had been his soul mate. His partner. The reason he had left that way of life - and never gone back. But his daughter had kept him going, and his granddaughter. The two of them made him feel again. But then, a few years later, the news came. And Jedidiah realized that there was a pain even greater than that of losing his wife. A pain that wouldn't merely break your heart, it would shatter it into a thousand pieces. A pain that no man or woman should ever have to bear.
But this time Jedidiah could stop it, he had found a way. A way hidden deep in the bowels of Lattik laboratory where he headed security. But it was a secret. A secret that had been concealed for years by powerful men. A secret that didn't belong to him. A secret that those who knew about it would kill to protect. Jedidiah had found it by accident.
And Jedidiah had stolen it to save the life of his grandaughter.
Now they were coming for him.....in order to kill her.

 
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tags

action, adventure, conspiracy, page turner, suspense, thriller

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Chapters

50

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Chapter fifty

 

 

“My name is Chap.” The man standing next to Winsley said. “You’ve already met Jinx. Over there--“ He continued, nodding towards a man standing to the side of Keggs’ SUV who was pointing an UZI towards the rear of the car. “--That’s Jack.”

Just around the rear fender Jed could make out several pairs of legs, some were moving slightly, some were just laying there like logs, side by side.

“And over there,” Chap pointed to two men who were standing beside the now empty camper. “…are Pete and Anthony.” Chap leaned in close to Jed and whispered. “Don’t call him Tony he gets all freaked…something about an odd uncle.”

Jed looked over at Anthony and nodded, Anthony nodded back then held up his thumb and forefinger like a gun and pointed it at Chap.

“Yeah. In your dreams.” Chap said.

“Where did you guys come from? How did you know….?”

To Jed’s surprise Chap turned towards Ellie.

“Mr. Jacobson sent us, Ma’am. He became concerned when you didn’t check in.”

“Wow.” Ellie said, giving Winsley a kiss on the forehead. “I never thought I’d be grateful for Daniels over- protective nature.”

“How did you find us?” Jed asked.

“When you didn’t check in, Ma’am, Mr. Jacobson ran your credit card. The charges went south then north which seemed odd because you had told him you were heading west. He wasn’t sure if something had happened to you and the camper had been stolen so he called us.”

“Thank goodness.”Ellie sighed, still holding onto Winsley.

“After he called us we ran another check and the charges had stopped. We went to the last place there was a receipt from. We went in and asked the teller about you. The only reason they remembered you because there were a couple of guys in a black SUV asking about you as well. We asked to see their security video’s luckily they kept a months worth before taping over them. We found a photo of the black SUV and Anthony here hacked into the RMV and ran the plate. It was registered to some laboratory in Massachusetts. He got the V.I.N. number and hacked into the manufacturers GPS and that’s how we found you.”

“Who is Daniel?” Jed asked, turning to Ellie.

“My, uh..” Ellie started.

“Her Butler.” Chap finished.

“You have a Butler?” Jed asked.

“Yes, well sort of. I’ve been trying to get rid of him since nineteen ninety eight but the little bugger won’t budge.”

“Lucky for us.” Jed said. “Who are you?”

“Um, may I?” Chap asked Ellie.

“Fine. Go ahead, no use in hiding it now, the cats out of the bag.”

“I’d like you to meet Mz. Eleanor Whitcomb.” Chap said.

“Why does that name sound familiar?” Jed asked. Then he remembered a couple of years ago he had read an article about an Eleanor Whitcomb who had stepped down as CEO of a large airline and retreated from public life. The Airline Eleanor Whitcomb? The billionairess?”

“The one and only.” Chap said.

“Aren’t you supposed to be off in some Chalet in Switzerland or something?”

“Actually it was a retreat in Belgium.” Ellie corrected. “But we just made that up. After Deidre died I got really sick of everyone coming to call. With no one to inherit the fortune it seemed like they were lining up at all hours of the day or night. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Suddenly Jed felt himself getting angry, “With everything we’ve been….”

Ellie held up her hand to silence him.

“My money can buy a lot of things, Jed, but it can’t buy you into Canada. And Doctor Finde may be a recovering, well semi-recovering, alcoholic but he’s one of the best Doctors I know, drunk or sober. Nothing would have been different.”

Jed thought about it for a moment and realized she was right.

But in this situation her money had indeed bought them their freedom.

And now that Jed was free there was something he needed to take care of.

 

 

 

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ccb1 wrote 529 days ago

Backed Deadlock. The action packed first chapter hooks the reader. Jedidah’s escape from the Lattik research laboratory compound kept me on the edge of my chair, coffee cup in one hand, and eyes glued to the computer screen! Only found one punctuation error you might like to take care of when you edit.: fourth paragraph, first sentence needs a coma. When he reached his car, he pulled out his keys ….. After this paragraph, I go so caught up in the story I forgot to check for punctuation! Hope you will find time to take a look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

AlexzandraGoode wrote 557 days ago

I'm eight chapters in and utterly hooked. A few grammatical errors here and there but the story is absolutely thrilling, and I love the way you've portrayed Winsley as being intelligent. The only thing really bothering me is that I have no idea why they're on the run - but I'm sure I'll find that out when I keep going.

Thanks for posting on my thread.
Alex
Finding My Feet

SubRon2 wrote 561 days ago

Just finished C30, Kris, and I can't go any farther for right now. Jed and Lauren and that darling Winsley, and Ellie, probably, will be headed for Illinois next and some guy Jed knows who evidently is playing the part of a priest, a place to put Winsley in safety. My God, that's what I would want to if I was her grampa.
I can say nothing about your mechanics, Kris, that a little careful editing won't take care of, and for now, tonight, your book is going on my shelf. Thanks for a great read! Your book "Deadlock" deserves to head straight up!
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 562 days ago

Finally, after finishing C14, I get a break. This is a true thriller, Kris. And that Lauren girl, wow, can handle a gun "and" a plane (course she hasn't used the gun yet but I'm sure she will, eventually) and now Ellie is taking them to North Dakota, my own state. I'm pretty sure Deadlock will be going on my bookshelf shortly. Right now, as last night, I have to get to my own WIP.
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 563 days ago

"This" is how a thriller should read. Start hot and keep going. By now I'm totally in love with that grandaughter Winsley, and I really like Jed, and I almost shed tears when Lydia got killed. Even though I didn't even get to meet her, you made her live brightly through your description, so when she got killed it meant something. Just finished C6, have noticed a couple minor glitches but was reading too fast to right them down. Sorry. Looks like Carlie in the next comment made note of quite a few. The one thing I remember. Somewhere, maybe in C4, you wrote "later" for "latter." Kris, right now I have a full bookshelf, but this book is going on my W/L tonight. I'll be back to read more later.
James W. Nelson

AunaJune wrote 498 days ago

Interesting cover and pitch. Draws the reader in. Great pacing right off the bat. It gets the reader going and draws there attention in. I feel like a few things could be elaborated on, like the office scene. You have a good dialogue going and everything seems well-edited. I think this is a great idea and start to what is to come. The chapters transitions are good and your word choice is excellent for this style. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

ccb1 wrote 529 days ago

Backed Deadlock. The action packed first chapter hooks the reader. Jedidah’s escape from the Lattik research laboratory compound kept me on the edge of my chair, coffee cup in one hand, and eyes glued to the computer screen! Only found one punctuation error you might like to take care of when you edit.: fourth paragraph, first sentence needs a coma. When he reached his car, he pulled out his keys ….. After this paragraph, I go so caught up in the story I forgot to check for punctuation! Hope you will find time to take a look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Brian Bandell wrote 530 days ago

This starts out with great tension and excitement. It's the kind of fast-paced thriller that I love. Bravo.

I'll back it. Just be careful about putting the entire novel up here. If you plan on getting published and selling this, you don't want to give away the entire story for free.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Yerwun wrote 554 days ago

Read the first two chapters and really enjoyed them. A few errors, but they'd be fixable with editing. The pace is perfect for a thriller, and I think the dialogue's very good. "Mommy's not coming with us." *sad*
Putting this on my watchlist and will be coming back to read more.

AlexzandraGoode wrote 557 days ago

I'm eight chapters in and utterly hooked. A few grammatical errors here and there but the story is absolutely thrilling, and I love the way you've portrayed Winsley as being intelligent. The only thing really bothering me is that I have no idea why they're on the run - but I'm sure I'll find that out when I keep going.

Thanks for posting on my thread.
Alex
Finding My Feet

SubRon2 wrote 561 days ago

Just finished C30, Kris, and I can't go any farther for right now. Jed and Lauren and that darling Winsley, and Ellie, probably, will be headed for Illinois next and some guy Jed knows who evidently is playing the part of a priest, a place to put Winsley in safety. My God, that's what I would want to if I was her grampa.
I can say nothing about your mechanics, Kris, that a little careful editing won't take care of, and for now, tonight, your book is going on my shelf. Thanks for a great read! Your book "Deadlock" deserves to head straight up!
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 562 days ago

Finally, after finishing C14, I get a break. This is a true thriller, Kris. And that Lauren girl, wow, can handle a gun "and" a plane (course she hasn't used the gun yet but I'm sure she will, eventually) and now Ellie is taking them to North Dakota, my own state. I'm pretty sure Deadlock will be going on my bookshelf shortly. Right now, as last night, I have to get to my own WIP.
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 563 days ago

"This" is how a thriller should read. Start hot and keep going. By now I'm totally in love with that grandaughter Winsley, and I really like Jed, and I almost shed tears when Lydia got killed. Even though I didn't even get to meet her, you made her live brightly through your description, so when she got killed it meant something. Just finished C6, have noticed a couple minor glitches but was reading too fast to right them down. Sorry. Looks like Carlie in the next comment made note of quite a few. The one thing I remember. Somewhere, maybe in C4, you wrote "later" for "latter." Kris, right now I have a full bookshelf, but this book is going on my W/L tonight. I'll be back to read more later.
James W. Nelson

Su Dan wrote 563 days ago

your skill are clearly of a high quality- narrative is near perfect, together with your effective dialogue and great story-line, you have a very credible book here...
backed with six stars...
read SEASONS...

ella's heartstrings wrote 575 days ago

I read chapter 1 and part of chapter 2. This starts slow with an infodump that leaves out a lot of other detail that would make the story flow a bit better. I'd suggest leaving out the details about the company, just give the details about leaving the company and racing to his daughter's, the action there, then bring in a bit of the company details later. Work it in with a few details later to explain why he and his daughter are in danger, why he's packing a gun. Needs a good edit--missing a lot of commas, a few issues with verb tense and sentence structure. Interesting story beginning.

a.morrison712 wrote 583 days ago

Okay here are my thoughts over your first chapter. Keep in mind that I do not go over grammar, as I struggle with this myself. However, if I see something I will point it out. In general, take what I saw with a grain of salt as this is something that is very new to me. Anyways, here it is:

CH 1

You throw us right into the action. I like that it had my mind racing. Who is this guy running from? What is going on? etc. I then learn that this poor guy's wife has died and he can't bring himself to delete the voicemail. If any one has ever lost a loved one, this will really resonate with them. I immediately empathized with your MC. I know that feeling of not wanting to forget someone'e voice and then one day it is gone... Really well done and well told. A really creepy and omnimous ending in my opinion. The warning to his daughter that is tying into his current situation. I look forward to reading more. 5 stars from me!

Best,

Ashley

Carlie wrote 584 days ago

Hey Kris,
Sorry, forgot to mention, I'm not sure your intro/blurb thing does the book justice. Maybe focus the book on the bigger picture at the labs, and bring out the characterisation through the narrative? Might be easier to sell to an agent that way too (as plot driven, rather than character driven). Just an idea!

Carlie wrote 584 days ago

BHCG

Hello Kris,
I have read your first chapter, and would read on if my eyes could cope with the computer screen for longer.

Ok, here goes...notes in the order I took them,

'companies resources' - I'm guessing you need an apostrophe here
'slightly juicy' - loved that description (yuk! horrible man)
Strange sentence structure 'fat fuck, Jed suspected, ...' I had to read it a few times to get it
Why didn't he call Lydia as soon as he was out of the compound?
Getting out of the car - the action and pace really slowed here for me and I'm not sure why this little bit is needed. Might it be more dramatic that he sees the crash but fails to stop (such is his anxiety for Lydia. Normally he would stop - opportunity for characterisation, perhaps?)
CH 1 finishes on a squib - can you put a line on the end that forces me to turn over? Specifically, something that makes me feel his fear (sweaty hands slip on the ladder? Wheezing? ladder shaking?)

Generally, I'd also like to see more emotion squeezed out, through oblique little details. Maybe a charm made by his grandchild swinging from the rearview mirror, or maybe the car has a warning light on that he meant to get fixed and the car could break at any moment. I know you can do these kind of tricks, bcause you do it with the voice of his wife on the phone. With just that one detail, you reinforce our impression of Jed as an honest family man, pushed into extraordinary behaviour (which ofcourse, makes him fascinating). You do it again with the paint-peel detail.

Overall, I really like your narrative voice, and I like your first chapter and synopsis. If it were a book in my hand I would hjave read on, but I just can't read too long on computers!

Best of luck with your work,

Carlie

ozhm wrote 586 days ago

This is a good story. It's fast-paced, the characters are believable and sympathetic, and you maintain the suspense really well. It's let down at the moment by the need for some serious editing and proofing, but I'm sure you'll deal with that.
Starred

Rex Taylor wrote 591 days ago

Hi Kris,

I just read your first chapter and was impressed with the storyline so far, good job! You said you had it copyedited? Man, they missed some stuff. A writers job is to write; you held up your end in the first chapter. I'm a wannabe editor, I have a fair knack for finding mistakes. If you want to e-mail me some of it in a word doc I guarantee I could clean up some things, and I need practice. Let me know. Editing is never totally done! Good luck to you.

Thanks for your comment on my book Riding the Line! Yes, it's all true. I'm not a good fiction writer...

Rex Taylor: rextaylor@q.com

Nick Goulding wrote 592 days ago

Hi Kris,

Just a note on your pitches from your forum request.

(As Tammy says - which you have changed well).

Short pitch: Other peoples/people’s secrets. Jedidiah is a bit of a mouthful (does it get shortened to Jed later?). Punchy and a good hook.

Long pitch: I had to read ‘The reason he had left that way of life…’ a couple of times to get the sense as I initially did not see it as linked to the broken up sentence before but saw it as the start of a new sentence. Perhaps start with ‘And the reason…’ or use comma/semicolons? Also perhaps put a space around the hyphen in ‘life-and’ or it might look like a hyphenated word. ‘The two of them made him feel again’ – I expected an emotion or sensation where ‘again’ came (I didn’t initially get the emphasis on ‘feel’ as in ‘The two of them made him feel again’) Shattter/shatter. Should laboratories have a capital as well as Lattik (is it part of the company name?). I like repetition of ‘a secret’. Some conventions put three dots and a space ‘in now they were coming for him…’ (my Word software does that automatically). Overall a gripping and clear pitch which gives just enough away to excite interest but keeps the mystery.

Nick
‘Where She Lies’

Kris Mikelson wrote 596 days ago

Thanks for the read and for the stars. I can't tell you how many times I've read that first sentance (even had it copy edited ugh) and never picked up on that out/ through thing--I went back and changed it. Thank you! that was a big help.

Great opening chapter! Exhilerating pace. Couple of minor things:
* uneducated persons like myself might get bogged down in some of the details of all the different companies and subsidiaries and blah-blah-blahs at the beginning. Maybe shorten these paragraphs and give only the info that's absolutely necessary.
* First sentence, "out" or "through" but not both.
* excellent dialogue, authentic, believable
*I think grammar is mis-spelled
* you seem to have some issues with hyphenated words & aren't consistent throughout. Use a good grammar check or befriend an English major with no social life
*I always imagine the federal governoment having fat fingers or thick fingers or sticky fingers, certainly not "little" fingers
* find another way to identify 18-wheeler so you don't have to use it twice in close proximity. Reword.
*excellent description of Keggs
*you used "ironic" at least twice in this short chapter. Don't get me wrong, irony is an absolute must in life, just spread it it out a bit farther.

Starred!

OpheliaWrites wrote 596 days ago

Great opening chapter! Exhilerating pace. Couple of minor things:
* uneducated persons like myself might get bogged down in some of the details of all the different companies and subsidiaries and blah-blah-blahs at the beginning. Maybe shorten these paragraphs and give only the info that's absolutely necessary.
* First sentence, "out" or "through" but not both.
* excellent dialogue, authentic, believable
*I think grammar is mis-spelled
* you seem to have some issues with hyphenated words & aren't consistent throughout. Use a good grammar check or befriend an English major with no social life
*I always imagine the federal governoment having fat fingers or thick fingers or sticky fingers, certainly not "little" fingers
* find another way to identify 18-wheeler so you don't have to use it twice in close proximity. Reword.
*excellent description of Keggs
*you used "ironic" at least twice in this short chapter. Don't get me wrong, irony is an absolute must in life, just spread it it out a bit farther.

Starred!

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