Book Jacket

 

rank 1431
word count 51330
date submitted 06.10.2011
date updated 01.08.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller
classification: moderate
incomplete

Deadlock

Kris Mikelson

Carvorr Industries had the key to his grandaughter's survival, so Jed stole it. Now, before the world finds out, the Company must kill them both.

 

Jedidiah Markham thought that the death of his wife of thirty years would break him in two. She had been his soul mate. His partner. The reason he had left that way of life - and never gone back. But his daughter had kept him going, and his granddaughter. The two of them made him feel again. But then, a few years later, the news came. And Jedidiah realized that there was a pain even greater than that of losing his wife. A pain that wouldn't merely break your heart, it would shatter it into a thousand pieces. A pain that no man or woman should ever have to bear.
But this time Jedidiah could stop it, he had found a way. A way hidden deep in the bowels of Lattik laboratory where he headed security. But it was a secret. A secret that had been concealed for years by powerful men. A secret that didn't belong to him. A secret that those who knew about it would kill to protect. Jedidiah had found it by accident.
And Jedidiah had stolen it to save the life of his grandaughter.
Now they were coming for him.....in order to kill her.

 
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tags

action, adventure, conspiracy, page turner, suspense, thriller

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66

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Chapter sixty six

 

The first cave-in, or what was left of it, was on the west side of the tunnel. The damage to the pipe works was obvious, so was the attempt to cover it up. The other two collapses appeared shortly after. Although the entire area was shored up with extra beams it was clear that it could still crumble at any time. Jed felt much better when the dirt ceiling above them and the walls beside them eventually became stone.

“Well this is my cue to skidoo.” Pete said, once they had passed into the caverns.

They stopped and said their good-byes. Pete swept Winsley up into his arms and gave her a hug.

“Am I ever going to see you again?” She asked.

“Hopefully, someday.”

“I’ll miss you until someday comes.”

“I’ll miss you too.” Pete said, giving her a peck on the forehead.

Pete put her down then shook Jeds hand.

“I wish I could go with you.”

“I wish you could too.” Jed answered, nodding towards his shoulders.

“When you get out of here,” Pete said pointing to the cell phone in Jeds pocket. “That thing will probably be ringing off the hook.”

“Probably.” Jed said. I hope so, he thought.

Jed and Winsley watched as Pete started out through the tunnel. They waited until he was out of sight then turned and headed through the caverns.

Some of the minerals on the cavern walls absorbed the light from the head lamps. Winsley watched in awe as striation after striation lit up beside them. Occasionally Jed had to stop and wait as Winsley stopped and spun around, covering her head lamp with her hand, to watch the different colors glow and then wink out one by one behind them.

A few hundred feet in they heard movement.

“Bats?” Winsley asked, referring to the scuffling noises in the rock above.

“Bats.” Jed confirmed, looking up with his light and seeing a small cluster of the little black sacks hanging from the rock ceiling.

Winsley reached up and grabbed his hand, letting him lead her as she watched the sleeping creatures above them.

Once they were past the cluster she let go. But a few moments later she grabbed his hand again, tugging at it indicating for him to slow down. Jed looked up there was another cluster over head, this one was slightly larger.

He slowed down and began side swiping the piles of guano as best he could. The stench was horrible but Winsley didn’t seem to notice. Occasionally one of the creatures would let out a screech and Winsley would tighten her grip. The sound was louder than it would have been if they had been outside. Jed reminded himself of the time. It was night. Eventually the bats would take off to feed. When they did they would take off in a cloud of wings and claws. The bats seemed to read his mind. The rustling grew louder and the screeches more frequent. Jed pulled Winsley up beside him and readied himself to cover her.

“What’s the matter?” She asked when he drew her close.

“They are going to fly soon.” He whispered.

As if they had heard him suddenly the ceiling above them seemed to drop and come alive. Jed pushed Winsley to the floor of the cavern and covered her with his body. Beneath him she contorted herself so that she could see from under his arm.

Ooooh.” She said as she watched the fervor of activity only a couple of feet above them.

It only lasted a few seconds but it had felt like minutes. When Jed was sure that they were all gone he stood up and let Winsley do the same.

“That was cool!” Winsley exclaimed. Her tiny voice echoed through the caverns.

Jed was about to warn her that she should keep her voice down because all the bats may not be gone when he heard a rustling deep in the darkness in front of them. Jed started to turn to cover Winsley again. That’s when he heard the click and realized that the rustling sound wasn’t bats. He stopped turning and looked ahead of him.

A form stepped out of the shadows and came into view. It was Lauren. She was holding a Glock in her hand.

It was aimed at Jed.

 


 

Chapters

66

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ccb1 wrote 523 days ago

Backed Deadlock. The action packed first chapter hooks the reader. Jedidah’s escape from the Lattik research laboratory compound kept me on the edge of my chair, coffee cup in one hand, and eyes glued to the computer screen! Only found one punctuation error you might like to take care of when you edit.: fourth paragraph, first sentence needs a coma. When he reached his car, he pulled out his keys ….. After this paragraph, I go so caught up in the story I forgot to check for punctuation! Hope you will find time to take a look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

AlexzandraGoode wrote 552 days ago

I'm eight chapters in and utterly hooked. A few grammatical errors here and there but the story is absolutely thrilling, and I love the way you've portrayed Winsley as being intelligent. The only thing really bothering me is that I have no idea why they're on the run - but I'm sure I'll find that out when I keep going.

Thanks for posting on my thread.
Alex
Finding My Feet

SubRon2 wrote 556 days ago

Just finished C30, Kris, and I can't go any farther for right now. Jed and Lauren and that darling Winsley, and Ellie, probably, will be headed for Illinois next and some guy Jed knows who evidently is playing the part of a priest, a place to put Winsley in safety. My God, that's what I would want to if I was her grampa.
I can say nothing about your mechanics, Kris, that a little careful editing won't take care of, and for now, tonight, your book is going on my shelf. Thanks for a great read! Your book "Deadlock" deserves to head straight up!
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 557 days ago

Finally, after finishing C14, I get a break. This is a true thriller, Kris. And that Lauren girl, wow, can handle a gun "and" a plane (course she hasn't used the gun yet but I'm sure she will, eventually) and now Ellie is taking them to North Dakota, my own state. I'm pretty sure Deadlock will be going on my bookshelf shortly. Right now, as last night, I have to get to my own WIP.
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 558 days ago

"This" is how a thriller should read. Start hot and keep going. By now I'm totally in love with that grandaughter Winsley, and I really like Jed, and I almost shed tears when Lydia got killed. Even though I didn't even get to meet her, you made her live brightly through your description, so when she got killed it meant something. Just finished C6, have noticed a couple minor glitches but was reading too fast to right them down. Sorry. Looks like Carlie in the next comment made note of quite a few. The one thing I remember. Somewhere, maybe in C4, you wrote "later" for "latter." Kris, right now I have a full bookshelf, but this book is going on my W/L tonight. I'll be back to read more later.
James W. Nelson

AunaJune wrote 493 days ago

Interesting cover and pitch. Draws the reader in. Great pacing right off the bat. It gets the reader going and draws there attention in. I feel like a few things could be elaborated on, like the office scene. You have a good dialogue going and everything seems well-edited. I think this is a great idea and start to what is to come. The chapters transitions are good and your word choice is excellent for this style. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

ccb1 wrote 523 days ago

Backed Deadlock. The action packed first chapter hooks the reader. Jedidah’s escape from the Lattik research laboratory compound kept me on the edge of my chair, coffee cup in one hand, and eyes glued to the computer screen! Only found one punctuation error you might like to take care of when you edit.: fourth paragraph, first sentence needs a coma. When he reached his car, he pulled out his keys ….. After this paragraph, I go so caught up in the story I forgot to check for punctuation! Hope you will find time to take a look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Brian Bandell wrote 525 days ago

This starts out with great tension and excitement. It's the kind of fast-paced thriller that I love. Bravo.

I'll back it. Just be careful about putting the entire novel up here. If you plan on getting published and selling this, you don't want to give away the entire story for free.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Yerwun wrote 548 days ago

Read the first two chapters and really enjoyed them. A few errors, but they'd be fixable with editing. The pace is perfect for a thriller, and I think the dialogue's very good. "Mommy's not coming with us." *sad*
Putting this on my watchlist and will be coming back to read more.

AlexzandraGoode wrote 552 days ago

I'm eight chapters in and utterly hooked. A few grammatical errors here and there but the story is absolutely thrilling, and I love the way you've portrayed Winsley as being intelligent. The only thing really bothering me is that I have no idea why they're on the run - but I'm sure I'll find that out when I keep going.

Thanks for posting on my thread.
Alex
Finding My Feet

SubRon2 wrote 556 days ago

Just finished C30, Kris, and I can't go any farther for right now. Jed and Lauren and that darling Winsley, and Ellie, probably, will be headed for Illinois next and some guy Jed knows who evidently is playing the part of a priest, a place to put Winsley in safety. My God, that's what I would want to if I was her grampa.
I can say nothing about your mechanics, Kris, that a little careful editing won't take care of, and for now, tonight, your book is going on my shelf. Thanks for a great read! Your book "Deadlock" deserves to head straight up!
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 557 days ago

Finally, after finishing C14, I get a break. This is a true thriller, Kris. And that Lauren girl, wow, can handle a gun "and" a plane (course she hasn't used the gun yet but I'm sure she will, eventually) and now Ellie is taking them to North Dakota, my own state. I'm pretty sure Deadlock will be going on my bookshelf shortly. Right now, as last night, I have to get to my own WIP.
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 558 days ago

"This" is how a thriller should read. Start hot and keep going. By now I'm totally in love with that grandaughter Winsley, and I really like Jed, and I almost shed tears when Lydia got killed. Even though I didn't even get to meet her, you made her live brightly through your description, so when she got killed it meant something. Just finished C6, have noticed a couple minor glitches but was reading too fast to right them down. Sorry. Looks like Carlie in the next comment made note of quite a few. The one thing I remember. Somewhere, maybe in C4, you wrote "later" for "latter." Kris, right now I have a full bookshelf, but this book is going on my W/L tonight. I'll be back to read more later.
James W. Nelson

Su Dan wrote 558 days ago

your skill are clearly of a high quality- narrative is near perfect, together with your effective dialogue and great story-line, you have a very credible book here...
backed with six stars...
read SEASONS...

ella's heartstrings wrote 570 days ago

I read chapter 1 and part of chapter 2. This starts slow with an infodump that leaves out a lot of other detail that would make the story flow a bit better. I'd suggest leaving out the details about the company, just give the details about leaving the company and racing to his daughter's, the action there, then bring in a bit of the company details later. Work it in with a few details later to explain why he and his daughter are in danger, why he's packing a gun. Needs a good edit--missing a lot of commas, a few issues with verb tense and sentence structure. Interesting story beginning.

a.morrison712 wrote 578 days ago

Okay here are my thoughts over your first chapter. Keep in mind that I do not go over grammar, as I struggle with this myself. However, if I see something I will point it out. In general, take what I saw with a grain of salt as this is something that is very new to me. Anyways, here it is:

CH 1

You throw us right into the action. I like that it had my mind racing. Who is this guy running from? What is going on? etc. I then learn that this poor guy's wife has died and he can't bring himself to delete the voicemail. If any one has ever lost a loved one, this will really resonate with them. I immediately empathized with your MC. I know that feeling of not wanting to forget someone'e voice and then one day it is gone... Really well done and well told. A really creepy and omnimous ending in my opinion. The warning to his daughter that is tying into his current situation. I look forward to reading more. 5 stars from me!

Best,

Ashley

Carlie wrote 579 days ago

Hey Kris,
Sorry, forgot to mention, I'm not sure your intro/blurb thing does the book justice. Maybe focus the book on the bigger picture at the labs, and bring out the characterisation through the narrative? Might be easier to sell to an agent that way too (as plot driven, rather than character driven). Just an idea!

Carlie wrote 579 days ago

BHCG

Hello Kris,
I have read your first chapter, and would read on if my eyes could cope with the computer screen for longer.

Ok, here goes...notes in the order I took them,

'companies resources' - I'm guessing you need an apostrophe here
'slightly juicy' - loved that description (yuk! horrible man)
Strange sentence structure 'fat fuck, Jed suspected, ...' I had to read it a few times to get it
Why didn't he call Lydia as soon as he was out of the compound?
Getting out of the car - the action and pace really slowed here for me and I'm not sure why this little bit is needed. Might it be more dramatic that he sees the crash but fails to stop (such is his anxiety for Lydia. Normally he would stop - opportunity for characterisation, perhaps?)
CH 1 finishes on a squib - can you put a line on the end that forces me to turn over? Specifically, something that makes me feel his fear (sweaty hands slip on the ladder? Wheezing? ladder shaking?)

Generally, I'd also like to see more emotion squeezed out, through oblique little details. Maybe a charm made by his grandchild swinging from the rearview mirror, or maybe the car has a warning light on that he meant to get fixed and the car could break at any moment. I know you can do these kind of tricks, bcause you do it with the voice of his wife on the phone. With just that one detail, you reinforce our impression of Jed as an honest family man, pushed into extraordinary behaviour (which ofcourse, makes him fascinating). You do it again with the paint-peel detail.

Overall, I really like your narrative voice, and I like your first chapter and synopsis. If it were a book in my hand I would hjave read on, but I just can't read too long on computers!

Best of luck with your work,

Carlie

ozhm wrote 581 days ago

This is a good story. It's fast-paced, the characters are believable and sympathetic, and you maintain the suspense really well. It's let down at the moment by the need for some serious editing and proofing, but I'm sure you'll deal with that.
Starred

Rex Taylor wrote 586 days ago

Hi Kris,

I just read your first chapter and was impressed with the storyline so far, good job! You said you had it copyedited? Man, they missed some stuff. A writers job is to write; you held up your end in the first chapter. I'm a wannabe editor, I have a fair knack for finding mistakes. If you want to e-mail me some of it in a word doc I guarantee I could clean up some things, and I need practice. Let me know. Editing is never totally done! Good luck to you.

Thanks for your comment on my book Riding the Line! Yes, it's all true. I'm not a good fiction writer...

Rex Taylor: rextaylor@q.com

Nick Goulding wrote 586 days ago

Hi Kris,

Just a note on your pitches from your forum request.

(As Tammy says - which you have changed well).

Short pitch: Other peoples/people’s secrets. Jedidiah is a bit of a mouthful (does it get shortened to Jed later?). Punchy and a good hook.

Long pitch: I had to read ‘The reason he had left that way of life…’ a couple of times to get the sense as I initially did not see it as linked to the broken up sentence before but saw it as the start of a new sentence. Perhaps start with ‘And the reason…’ or use comma/semicolons? Also perhaps put a space around the hyphen in ‘life-and’ or it might look like a hyphenated word. ‘The two of them made him feel again’ – I expected an emotion or sensation where ‘again’ came (I didn’t initially get the emphasis on ‘feel’ as in ‘The two of them made him feel again’) Shattter/shatter. Should laboratories have a capital as well as Lattik (is it part of the company name?). I like repetition of ‘a secret’. Some conventions put three dots and a space ‘in now they were coming for him…’ (my Word software does that automatically). Overall a gripping and clear pitch which gives just enough away to excite interest but keeps the mystery.

Nick
‘Where She Lies’

Kris Mikelson wrote 590 days ago

Thanks for the read and for the stars. I can't tell you how many times I've read that first sentance (even had it copy edited ugh) and never picked up on that out/ through thing--I went back and changed it. Thank you! that was a big help.

Great opening chapter! Exhilerating pace. Couple of minor things:
* uneducated persons like myself might get bogged down in some of the details of all the different companies and subsidiaries and blah-blah-blahs at the beginning. Maybe shorten these paragraphs and give only the info that's absolutely necessary.
* First sentence, "out" or "through" but not both.
* excellent dialogue, authentic, believable
*I think grammar is mis-spelled
* you seem to have some issues with hyphenated words & aren't consistent throughout. Use a good grammar check or befriend an English major with no social life
*I always imagine the federal governoment having fat fingers or thick fingers or sticky fingers, certainly not "little" fingers
* find another way to identify 18-wheeler so you don't have to use it twice in close proximity. Reword.
*excellent description of Keggs
*you used "ironic" at least twice in this short chapter. Don't get me wrong, irony is an absolute must in life, just spread it it out a bit farther.

Starred!

OpheliaWrites wrote 590 days ago

Great opening chapter! Exhilerating pace. Couple of minor things:
* uneducated persons like myself might get bogged down in some of the details of all the different companies and subsidiaries and blah-blah-blahs at the beginning. Maybe shorten these paragraphs and give only the info that's absolutely necessary.
* First sentence, "out" or "through" but not both.
* excellent dialogue, authentic, believable
*I think grammar is mis-spelled
* you seem to have some issues with hyphenated words & aren't consistent throughout. Use a good grammar check or befriend an English major with no social life
*I always imagine the federal governoment having fat fingers or thick fingers or sticky fingers, certainly not "little" fingers
* find another way to identify 18-wheeler so you don't have to use it twice in close proximity. Reword.
*excellent description of Keggs
*you used "ironic" at least twice in this short chapter. Don't get me wrong, irony is an absolute must in life, just spread it it out a bit farther.

Starred!

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