War of the Wastelands

War of the Wastelands
Sara Sjoquist

I read the first five chapters and think this is a good story, written very well although I didn't particularly like the poem!

The first chapter was excellent. I loved your descriptions. One thing, and this is my fault, I misread Boar as Bear (it was late in the day) and then was startled to read about a Boar, as I said, my fault.

What does “I am the monster you have made me" mean? I'm guessing you either mean "I am the monster, you have made me" or "I am the monster you have made".

Chapter 2 was good. a couple of nitpicks.
- “What have you done?!” Osmin croaked in an agonized whispered.
You don't need the exclamation mark with the question mark. Also whispered should be whisper.

The next three chapters moved along at a good pace. A few minor things in the second paragraph of chapter 4.

"... the wall of books barked" - did the books bark?

- Beside Ronin, Omsin coughed gently.
Who is Omsin?

All in all, a good story and highly starred.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Hi Sarah,
I liked the poetry and the prologue but I was questioning the language. If it was an excerpt from a watchman's journal (even one set in a more courtly time.) it would not be so poetic , I think 'blood-forged sword' aren't the words of a night log.
The rest of the chapter certainly hits hard, unexpected and well done. No way not to turn the page.

Chap 2: Initial disappointment that we weren't continuing with the sorcerer, my eyes wanted to skip over the start but I was quickly drawn in. Very nicely written scene with king , new baby and son, very touching.

Chap 3: 'too big for his small hands' I think rather than 'his smaller hands'
Just 'dead flesh' instead of 'deadened flesh'
'frozen figure' and 'stood frozen' are a biot close to each other about the same person in the same scene.
'But Osmin was fascinated...' This doesn't need the but, the argument and rebuttal was done in the previous paragraph.
'...wherein there were spells...' not 'wherein contained....'
Great last line .

Chap 4. '....of what most would frightfully turn away.' This doesn't quite make sense. Most would tun from in fright/ most would fearfully turn away.
Loved the normal brotherly banter that led to disaster, a great sequence.

Chap 5: 'You have been more than just a brother to me in name SILENCE our mother...' is this a typo or am I missing something?
That's an awful lot of back story in the space of King Aro's musings at first it was fine and I followed it but when it went on and I realized he was remembering situations that he wasn't present at. It became confusing and I went back and forwards to see if we were still in the same scene with the ill Osmin and we were. It would probably be fine with a bit of tweaking as in ' He could easily imagine those treacherous nobles.......'
Although the dialogue helps fill in the back story interestingly, it's slightly out of context here.


Chap 6: Wow! I Did not expect Osim to be so welcoming to the sorcerer, surely he knows how evil he is. Great scene full of tension.

Chap 7: Now I'm wondering would such bonded brothers have come to this over the crowning , when Osmin's inability to rule due to his health is beyond dispute? Is there another reason? Did Ronin gloat too much, swagger ? After all Osmin has now had the freedom to follow his heart's desire and study magic.

I'm leaving this now, but only for a while , I'll be back for more. Going on my watch list for now.
Thanks for read,
Cheers,
Josephine, Shared Skies.

Sara, certainly not my bag but you have done a good job of writing it. it does hook the reader. There is a good match going on with the characters and the pace of the book. Although not my bag, I wish you all the best with this. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

This story really packs a punch! I've only read to chapter 5 but you've done a great job catching my interest and making me curious how it will all unravel. On the flip side you have so many storylines and characters happening at once it's a little confusing; once I read on I expect all will become clear, but for a beginning I think it's a little hard to invest in a character when you're mostly trying to keep all the people and storylines straight. Just a thought.
Excellent poetry, and you've done a good job creating your mythical world in a way that has layers and details without it suffering from overcomplexity or dettached elements.
Oceana

Your writing is really strong...Chapter 2 especially. Your narrative and dialogue flow well together, and the sense of tension and anticipation you set up is pretty masterful. High stars!

My only critique: when I began reading chapter 3, it felt like there was too much back story about Osmin's interest in magic. You might consider adding another chapter between the two so you can show this instead of telling it. This would then make the readers more invested in this important scene between Ronin and Osmin.

HOWEVER, this type of back story is more common in novels for adults, and I'm geared toward YA. Which is to say, this change isn't essential.

-cnlumbat
Daniel and the Sun Sword

I thought chapter one was gripping. I loved the poem you started out with, having an a age old celtic feel to it. It was a great way to open your story. Right away, I was pulled into the story, following the boys on their chase. I felt Samson's fear as they entered the woods and Roderick's lust for blood, leading them into something forbidden and dark. The description of the king's sorcerer and his home was a hint of things to come. I like how it was subtle and short. You allowed the reader a quick thought of his presence and then pulled back to the boys again. His pleasure at the boys expense proved the type character he was and gave me the creeps for sure. You are a talented writer, able to create a suspenseful scene with such creativity. Best wishes,

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

I am gripped immediately and have read the first chapter. I look and forward to reading more.I have rated and backed this.I wish you all the best.
Jhone

:) :) :)

Hi Sara
Read chapter 1, loved the opening poem, and loved the chapter as a whole. Quite a dark tone, which I think set the scene beautifully. My only tiny quibble, and I hate saying this, was describing the severed boars head as like a kebob on the end of a spear. It just sounded a little modern for this sort of tale, but that aside I thoroughly enjoyed it. I have placed it on my bookshelf and starred and wish you all the best.
If you ever get chance, I appreciate all comments on my story, good or bad, as I enjoy writing (as we all do here) but am also grateful for honest feedback.
Graham lench
The Eighth day

Hi Sara
Read chapter 1, loved the opening poem, and loved the chapter as a whole. Quite a dark tone, which I think set the scene beautifully. My only tiny quibble, and I hate saying this, was describing the severed boars head as like a kebob on the end of a spear. It just sounded a little modern for this sort of tale, but that aside I thoroughly enjoyed it. I have placed it on my bookshelf and starred and wish you all the best.
If you ever get chance, I appreciate all comments on my story, good or bad, as I enjoy writing (as we all do here) but am also grateful for honest feedback.
Graham lench
The Eighth day

I love this genre and your story has certainly raised the bar for me. Top stars!!

A great sounding book with plenty of interest for the fantasy reader to sink their teeth into. :)

Backed and rated. Looking forward to reading it.

Darren.

Immediately hooked. This book has great promise!

I'll definitely be reading more of this.

Backed and rated high stars. Thanks for sharing :)

Chris.

~ Check out my fantasy "Murder, Child."

Hi Sara; after having read early chapters of your book I decided to progress further into your story. I have just read the chapter 'Port Burn' and the shorter chapter, 'King Abidal's Palace', after it.
Your story has certainly moved on. The writing being lighter in nature but still extremely descriptive. King Ronin, as a character, seems well rounded and certainly feels the weight of his kingship. There seemed more dialogue than what I read before but it was all well written and always succinct. This always seemed relevant to the story and never being used as a fillet just to bulk the story out. I liked how you moved from one long, rolling chapter into a much shorter but equally good one. 'in the twilight of the fading sky' was a simply beautiful opening. The quality of the story never slacking from this great first line.
I am glad that you have continued the quality through what is a great book.
RMA
The Snow Lily

I really like the poem at the opening; you create some powerful imagery as well as grounding the reader in the fantasy world. Your descriptions grabbed me from the opening, the wind twisting 'as if seeking something to wrap with its icy chill'. The sense of atmosphere and setting in the opening chapter are superb, and the Sorcerer is chilling and sinister. The deaths of the boys are shocking and you end the chapter on a note of suspense.

I like the contrast in tone in the second chapter. You describe everything well enough for the reader to easily be able to picture it, without going into extraneous detail. I really like the interactions between the two brothers in chapter three, and the magical creation is a really interesting idea.

This is a great read, suspenseful and well thought-out. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first three chapters. I also love the front cover!

Six stars from me, and best of luck with this!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

Hi Sara; "a renegade wind" what a fantastic first image to accompany the poetic opening. Then we meet the Sorceror (not a very nice fellow) but nicely framed by the writing. The switch from the darkness of chapter one to the lightness of the kingdom of Urla and the childbirth in two. All very well done Sara, and nothing that requires changing. You appear to have the birthings of a really good story here, well done. High stars.
RMA
The Snow Lily
Sea Spray and Stars

This was a ripping good yarn, and you've set it up nicely for the following chapters. I though that the sorcerer might be good to start off with, then got a real shock when he iced the kids!

I am keeping you on my WL for when I have shelf space.


Just a couple of editing nit picks. You says that the wind is a deluge onto the plains ( like the "gusty deluge" by the way, nice phrase), but then you go on to talk about the plains below - for some reason this led me to wonder if these were the plains below the plains, which I don't think you meant. I think if you deleted "below" it would still make sense. You then say, again, "the plains of the White Lands" - I think you only need this once, after that you can simply say "the plains." Also, do you mean kebab rather than kebob?

Hi Sara,

I read the first four (Autho) chapters of War of the Wastelands. I think you have a very strong opening with the two boys and the wizard, creating a lot of tension from the very first page. Especially when you fast forward to the two young princes playing along the edges of the same woods - one can't help but feel a sense of trepidation that they, too, could fall into the clutches of the mysterious wizard. I think it's clever how you use a song to open the book, weaving in both background on your world and a promise for excitement to come.

You have a real knack for descriptions and imagery, painting vivid and imaginative pictures of the settings. Some of the narrative can get a little confusing, however, because you switch point of views so often. For example, in chapter 3, you switch between Osmin and Ronin's views of the creature attack. This makes it somewhat difficult for the reader to keep track of what's going on - I would suggest picking one brother and telling the story through his eyes and using section breaks to mark where the point of view changes.

I think you've got a great start here, and War of the Wastelands has a lot of promise. Best of luck with this!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi Sara. Not really into fantasy to be honest. But you first few chapters are obvioulsy very well written and paint your landscape in vivid terms. Bets of luck with it. Cheers Eric

{War of the Wastelands} – Sara Sjoquist
Prologue and Chapter 1:

What a beautiful opening to a story, with the prophecy poem. This was skilfully written, highlighting both your imagination and skill with words. It also sets the scene nicely.

Chapter one is a well-written, fast-paced and emotive scene. I like your descriptions, and the way you show how your characters are feeling – helping the reader to identify with them. A couple of great original images that I liked was the ‘renegade wind’ (excellent personification!) … ‘seeking to wrap something in its icy chill’

Dialogue is well used, and reads naturally. The tension is built well, and you manage to weave in a few details about your world – without bombarding the reader, or making them feel overwhelmed with information.

Great start and I look forward to reading more!! :D
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Hi Sara,

Sorry it took me so long to return the read. I've read up to chapter 4 and so far the story is progressing quickly through time bust slowly in the plot lines which is okay since you've had to introduce the characters central to your story.
You've done well portraying your characters and their personalities.
Ronin is an intriguing character, energetic and quite impulsive. I honestly wouldn't see him as fit for king, but then, I've only had a glimpse of his personality. I'm curious to see how he does at the job and how that happened exactly :)
I'm not one to criticise writing but I'm sure those who commented before me mentioned what needs to be edited to make the writing cleaner.
Bottom line, it seems promising enough and with a clean, professional edit, I'm certain it'd read well enough to reflect it's quality.

Highly rated.

Edwin - The First Oath

Hi, Sara.

I started War of the Wastelands. Good to start with a couple of gruesome deaths. I kinda liked how you built up the personalities of the two boys, giving them life, rather than just making them two faceless victims. A couple of minor things, that everyone else will probably disagree with anyway. You mention that the sorceror glides twice, first when he appears to the boys and again at the end, I thought once was enough. I also thought when you said he seemed to beckon the boys forward, but Roderick did not see him lift a finger, felt a bit awkward. He did or he didn't. I don't know maybe something like, an unseen force pushed the boys forward, Roderick did not see him move but felt compelled towards him....
I really enjoyed what I read.

Paul

Chapter one - 'hung like a gruesome kabob' - What's a kabob?
Chapter three - I have trouble believing that a ten year old boy could kill a monster almost the size of a horse with one move. Could the beast be smaller or the fight longer?

Looking forward to discovering more about what the prince is up to with his magic. Adding this to the bookshelf and will read some more when I get the chance.

Tom
Conspiracy (Gateway trilogy)

Nice opening - I like the pace of it and the shock of killing the two boys is a emotive way of drawing the character of the sorcerer. You evoke the landscape really well, and you seem to be trying to make the wind an almost sentient thing as if it is pushing the boys in to the woods. Is this the case? For me this opening chapter really starts to work when the sorcerer reveals himself and toys with the boys - though perhaps we could have them struggle a little more. Also, the line 'the boys once known as Roderick etc' Is this really necessary? Only you as the author knows this, they have not told us this, you are.
Anyway, I want to read more of this and will do - I want to know who this guy is :-)

Brett

I love the poem that opens this novel. It sets the tone well and made me eager to start reading. The description that follows, done through action rather than a still scene, is invigorating. I’ve been in a bit of a writing slump and upon reading this description I felt my writing juices flowing. Very impressive.

The immediate conflict as Roderick and Samson fight over entering the forest piqued my interested right away. As far as novel beginnings go, this rates among the best on authonomy.

In many ways the story here reminds me of my first novel I wrote when I was still in college. The only major difference is you did it right! I’m quite jealous.

There is a lot to be impressed with here.

Holy crap. How can I stop at chapter one? This is an outstanding beginning.

As I read, I only had two minor concerns. First, this has some familiar elements to it. As you continue to work on improving it, always ask yourself how to set it apart from what is already out there. Second, your writing is strong enough without a lot of the adverbs and adjectives you use. Continue to polish this, eliminating words that interfere with your story.

Other than that, fantastic job. This book deserves to do well here!

I like how you open the book. It's new and interesting. Great detail throughout. Your characters at the beginning are interesting and the dialogue is easy to believe. You have created a good fantasy world and it is a good original piece for fantasy readers. Something people can enjoy and it seems good a a varied range of readers. I think it has some potential. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk and working on getting published.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

l love the setting and background- perfect writting for the genre...a real treat...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Piercing and most definitely a wonderful fantasy romp. What I have read so far, I have definitely enjoyed. Your descriptions are piercing and I can picture everything very well. I also liked Omin and Ronin. Their bonds of brotherhood and their opposing skill set, promises an interesting tale indeed. Can't wait to see where you will go with this!
-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

I really enjoyed the first chapter. Spooky, but light-hearted in some ways. Great tension, and a lovely cover.

Hi Sara

I've read two chapters. It is well written and I like the premise. My notes:

'It went in there(,) Samson(.) (H)urry, we can't...'

You refer to the bore as 'it' twice, then 'he' twice, in the same sentence.

The small cottage should have 'remained quiet, but for the steady whistling...'

'cryptic speed'?

'...before them, though tall and imposing(,) looked out...'

Burnt bodies? I thought they were rotted

I know this is a different time and they'd be beyond their years, but I'm having a lot of trouble believing these children - especially the seven year old. He is nothing like a seven year old; not even a mature seven year old.

'their uncle had had given in'

'before his experimenting could resurface' - not sure that makes sense. 'resume'

There are a few places where I'm not sure if you've used the right word, and a few punctuation issues, but for the most part it is good. I'm also not sure where the sci fi comes from - it seems entirely fantasy to me.

Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have a chance to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

I've read a couple of chapters. It looks like this is going to be high fantasy, with wizards and prophecies. And wars.

I'm afraid I stumbled at the first hurdle. I have no idea what a 'renegade wind' is. Your later analogy 'as if seeking something to wrap around its icy chill' didn't work for me either. Wind wraps around things, not the other way round. Then we meet two young men and an unnamed sorcerer, who presumably kills them (burnt bodies) and uses their essence to make himself younger. This is your first chapter, where you grab a reader's interest. You have not yet introduced the MC and the energy I've expended in feeling sympathy for the two young men is a waste of effort. We then move on to the two princes, where it looks like one has mystical powers and we hear about a killed beast which will be returning.

What I'm saying is that I don't see the narrative thread. I've read and re-read your blurb but I don't see how those first two chapters lead me on. I hasten to add that it's your story and you must tell it as you see fit. But you might consider starting your story at chapter 4 and adding the back story as it becomes required.

Best wishes with your writing

Chapter one is mesmerizing. I caught myself saying "uh oh" when the sorcerer said "thank you for my dinner". I couldn't stop reading, and am looking forward to sitting down with a cup of coffee and finishing what you have online. You are a great weaver of words! Congradulations on holding my attention, which many authors have failed to do on this site.

P.S. I found one spelling error toward the bottom of the first chapter in the paragraph that begins "The sorcerer now stood tall and elegantly.............The third sentence should be Smiling, and you have Smiley.
D. S. Hale

Chapter one is mesmerizing. I caught myself saying "uh oh" when the sorcerer said "thank you for my dinner". I couldn't stop reading, and am looking forward to sitting down with a cup of coffee and finishing what you have online. You are a great weaver of words! Congradulations on holding my attention, which many authors have failed to do on this site.

P.S. I found one spelling error toward the bottom of the first chapter in the paragraph that begins "The sorcerer now stood tall and elegantly.............The third sentence should be Smiling, and you have Smiley.
D. S. Hale

Chapter one is mesmerizing. I caught myself saying "uh oh" when the sorcerer said "thank you for my dinner". I couldn't stop reading, and am looking forward to sitting down with a cup of coffee and finishing what you have online. You are a great weaver of words! Congradulations on holding my attention, which many authors have failed to do on this site.

P.S. I found one spelling error toward the bottom of the first chapter in the paragraph that begins "The sorcerer now stood tall and elegantly.............The third sentence should be Smiling, and you have Smiley.
D. S. Hale

Sara,

Overall this has quite a strong voice to it, and builds into the story carefully and with a good pace. The descriptions are vivid without being too wordy, giving the reader enough to create a personalised image. This is a big part of keeping people interesed, particularly with this kind of book. Dialogue is mostly well done and realistic, though I think there are a couple of places where it could be edited, for example 'do you understand what it is you have done?'. This is after he says 'What have you done?' and is pretty much the same question, so it doesn't really feel necessary. There are also some word choices and forms that I feel are out of place with the rest of the narrative, words such as 'whence' and 'doubted not'. They'd be fine in the dialogue, but with the narrative generally being a 'modern' voice, they stick out a bit.
Those points aside, this has the potential for an enthralling story.

D M Sharples.

I like your storytelling here. Chapter 4 is where the plot really take off and the meeting with the dark sorcerer is well down. I would like to know a bit more about Ronin's personality before he becomes the heir. I also find it a little strange that the king's council is bothering him with matters of war when his son lay dying.

You do a good job with descriptions and back story. Just be careful to clean up the text.

Change “its” to “it’s”: “I don’t think it’s worth it!”

Remove “from”: “I killed that horrible creature attacking you.”

Good job. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

[War of the Wastelands]

Good start. You pull me right in and that's not always easy with fantasy. When Samson and Roderick enter that forest, you know something is bound to happen. You don't know what, but the dangers are eminent.

Until you show the old man near the crackling fire. You build up tension and release it so quickly your story caves in like a badly baked cake. The next part is no longer dangerous because you know there won't be any ghouls... This adds nothing to the story, so you can as well delete it.

Apart from this, the story is well written. Go 4 it!

Peter

Hi Sara
Have read chapters 1 to 4 and thoroughly enjoyed them. Your style is confident and assured and your dialogue flows well. I'm a big fantasy fan and found the traditional heroic fantasy story very welcome in the current mire of explicit fantasy deluging the Market. I recall the simpler tales of David Eddings and Fritz Lieber and Terry Brooks from my younger days (that makes me sound very old!!). The role forced reluctantly on our MC is a staple of good drama and I look forward to reading more.
A lot of the comments detail style and grammar and punctuation so I won't- there are a few missing commas and apostrophes in there. The prose is a touch heavy on adjectives in places, which are distracting and there is a run in chapter 3 where you start loads of sentences with -ing words: they tend to weaken the sentences, and could be rearranged. Only suggestions.
Good yarn- good luck with it.
Cheers, Ross
(Dreams of Darkness Rising)

I had a look through the first chapter and like the writing style. The story flows well and the dialogue is good.

I couldn't find anything that hasn't been flagged up already.

Very good.

All the best

Timmy
(Asylum)

Thanks for the review. So I'm returning the favour. There are a few errors that distract from the plot but with a little work, I see potential with the strory - even though science fiction wouldn't be a genre I particularly adore. Maria V. Snyder had a trilogy entitled 'Poison Study', 'Magic Study', 'Fire Study'. They deal with magic and magicians but it closely mirrors the content of your books. Although, Ms. Snyder's books do contain a strong romantic element. I've only read your first three chapters so I do not claim to know whether your story will involve a romatic component.

Most of my opinions will be subjective so you can chooose to take the criticism on board or discard it. When I opened myself up for a criticism, many aspiring writers criticised my title claiming it to be too boring. I picked it for a particular reason and if your title carries significant meaning that you can justify, then I urge you not to change it. However, it mirrors the title 'War of the Worlds' and when you read the title alone, something on a subconscious level connects this with that of the iconic text.

The Urla/Turla territories is something that particularly bothered me. Because they are opposing territories, you might want to substitute one of the areas with something more distinct to make the two areas stand, each in their own right and avoiding any confusion.

Chapter 1: "Toeing the line of the familiar glade from whence they came..." The "whence" seems rather out of line with the author voice that relays the information and sets the scene. It took me out of the moment and made me question the author-voice.

Chapter 1: "His body pulsing with adrenaline through his veins, Roderick was not about to be daunted by the tales whispered around campfires to scare little children." Maybe: Adrenaline pulsed through the veins in his body but Roderick was not about to be..."

Chpater 1: "With his impeccablehearing, the old man noticed the crackling of the sticks and leaves..." Personally, I identify the verb "to notice" with sight as opposed to hearing and here, I would substitute "noticed" with something like "picked up".

Chapter 1: "a whine of a spear". The whine of the spear doesn't convinve me and I'm sorry but I'm extremely pernickety in my critiques of both my own and other people's work. Maybe slash or something more violent that reflects the destructive nature of the weapon.

Chapter 1: "What exactly ahd they come into these woods for they puzzled? Comma (,) after the "for".

Chapter 1: "stretched languidly as if a cat waking up from a deep sleep." Replace "as if" with "like". For me, it just makes the sentence more fluid.

Chapter 2: "A disgruntled snake-like creature had emerged from the cave behind his older brother's frozen figure. It looked as if a giant snake had grown wings and slithered out of the darkened cave." Both sentences provide the same basic information and come across as repetitious. Maybe amalgamate the two?

Chapter 2: "Had the Ronin been able to tear his gaze from the smoking corpse he would have shuddered..." "the Ronin" should just be "Ronin".

Chapter 2: "No one had ever before seen the creature Ronin's magic had awakened." I thought it was Osmin's magic???

Chapter 2: Your author voice tends to confuse me at times: "Osmin was earnest now, with wild and demanding eyes. He needed to know he could trust his younger brother to keep his secret."
AND
"Just what the devil was his brother playing at?" (Ronin in relation to Osmin)

Chapter 2: "As the sun began to set as they set out together for their father's house in the White City." You use "as" twice.

Chapter 3: "Ronin's feet (-) planted on the opposite riverbank (-) were stupefied into a standstill." Correction in circular brackets.

A good attempt and I hope this constructive criticism helps. Apologies for any spelling errors.

All the best,

Chris

I've found this to be a great blend of fantasy and sci fi. You don't see that much and you start this off well. I have a hard enough time editing my own work, I tend to come at a book as a reader. You kept me interested through three chapers. The detail and descriptions painted a great picture. I see potential in this. The storyline is imaginative. I'd use names earlier though, some of the lack of them confused me. I don't mind backing this at all in a while. I think with a few tweaks here and there, you'll be on the right track. Sorry I'm not that helpful!

Missy

War of the Wastelands

I note that there is some sort of problem with your chapter lengths – it says ‘end page’ half way through chapter 4.

Short pitch: I think it needs a tiny re-wording because at the moment it says the ‘prophecy unravels’ IN the War of the Wastelands. If you mean the book then it’s ambiguous. And I would hint at the nature of the prophecy.

Long pitch: I’m not sure that third paragraph is efficient - you only need the teaser elements not the story. I’d simplify it if possible.

Main text: the first paragraph is the one everyone, reader included, gets their first impression of your work. Yours starts brilliantly with that ‘renegade wind’. I’m not entirely sure what it means but it works I think. However, the rest of the paragraph has shades of purple. I’m afraid you carry this metaphor too far and it gets mixed. It sails, wraps, courses and pours like a deluge. Hmm. It’s also so forceful that it carries into the first bit of speech and for a second the reader thinks the boy has wounded the wind. Do you see? Also I would get the names in early, rather than ‘one boy.’

I noticed odd word choices here and there: ‘to glow darkly’ seems to make sense, though it’s oxymoronic. ‘in which the man occupied’ the ‘in’ is not needed, ‘pondered the thought aloud.’ I believe one can think, or ponder, but not ponder a thought.’

In chapter two I noticed several word echoes that I didn’t see in C1 like ‘even him’ ‘even his’. These are tricky little devils. I find the best way to spot them is the long delay edit or, better, the helpful friend – just prime a friend to spot such things and they’ll find loads that you just won’t see.

I do worry that the reader might be puzzled by the ‘strange creature’ since it is introduced and then killed without you even hinting that it might be a portent or some other plot device.

And then a near drowning. I think you should be careful about a too episodic approach here. The reader needs a little more clue about what s/he is embarked upon by this stage.

3 new chpaters

All newly edited up to chapter 8

Hi Sara,

The variety in your list of favorite books drew me to your story. So, here I am!

Below are some things I noticed. Just my humblest opinions, of course.

Great pitches! You might consider condensing a bit. Scrubbing unneeded words and focusing on active verbs with less back story. Still, very good pitch. Most I read on here aren’t good at all.

Chapter 1

Delete that semicolon. Publishers apparently don’t like it, and it isn’t really needed here anyway. I would just turn it into a new sentence.

“shoulder length” should be hyphenated here.

“a young boy threw a beckoning arm backwards at his friend” This is clunky. I don’t see the imagery. Probably too much to say he “threw” his arm. I’m seeing him with a decapitated arm throwing it at his friend.

“silent trees” since trees don’t make sound themselves, I assume you mean still trees? Or, silent woods?

Delete “now”

“shrieking through his head” I’m confused. What’s shrieking through his head? I thought the warning was being said aloud.

“…towards the trees;” replace that semi colon with a comma. Semicolons are most often used to separate independent clauses.

Your voice is great and you have a wonderful sense of sentence fluidity. It’s refreshing to read something that’s so easy to get into. A good scrubbing might do it some good, though, but that’s no biggie. Good storyline so far, and you have the talent to make that story really come to life.

Good luck with this! I anticipate seeing it high in the rankings at some point.

If you get the chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. I’d love to know your thoughts.

All the best!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Sara,
Looking forward to reading your work. Love the genre. And, yeah, looks like it should be a movie (sorry, scriptwriters look at life that way). Very cool synopsis! Carries one away easily and willingly into your journey.

blessings,
Jim

Had some problems with the new edits. Had to delete and start again. Thanks for the earlier comments, though. Please feel free to comment and back it again!