Book Jacket

 

rank 489
word count 107556
date submitted 07.10.2011
date updated 24.04.2013
genres: Fiction, Fantasy
classification: moderate
incomplete

War of the Wastelands

Sara Sjoquist

Cover by Phil Partington

King Ronin must align with his enemies and free those enslaved before the prophecy unravels in the War of the Wastelands.

 

Second-born son King Ronin assumes the throne of Urla and sets in motion a dark prophecy from the time of his grandfather. Ronin's enemies of Turnam have begun to war internally for the throne, seeking captives beyond their borders to increase their armies. King Ronin will do all he can to free those enslaved, even bargain with his enemy's daughter.

Kidnapped as young boys, fisherman's sons Rider and Storm are trained to fight on foreign soil for the Turnam General Ali. When General Ali grows weary of the blood spilt in his father's crown-contending war, he aligns with a renegade group of warriors. Rider and Storm find themselves fighting side by side with the General and his renegades as they all seek freedom from destiny's enslavement. When a new evil invades the realm in search of souls to destroy, unusual alliances must be made before the prohecy of a forgotten past leaves all but a wasteland in its wake.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

, adult fiction-fantasy, magic, prophecy, redemption, sorcery, war

on 23 watchlists

46 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

27

report abuse

The Interior White Lands…

        

Northbound into the Whitelands, Captain True and his party of twenty warriors had been traveling the last two days at a hard pace.  Couriers had been sent south at an equally quickened ride to the White City to send word to King Ronin.  Leaving the rebuilding of the northern fortress in capable hands, Captain True had departed north with his most trusted men that had served with him in the King’s Golden Army for over the last ten years. 

It was imperative to scout the terrain and asses any possible uprising in the lone mountain villages.  It was also vital that they reach the Overlord of the White Lands if the enemy had not already visited.  Captain True did not voice his fears aloud, but the cold silence from the north in request for supplies and the disappearance of his northbound couriers did not bode well.  He was sure they would find the Crystal Keep devastated by the demon enemy. 

The Captain had to be in possession of all the information he could ascertain before he returned with news to King Ronin.  Captain True’s devotion to his King followed firmly in his father’s footsteps.  It was said that the Captain’s grandfather was among King Aro’s most trusted personal guard.  The relationship between his own family and that of the royal family had been intertwined since.  Captain True, being of noble blood, had taken up the sword in the name of his country and king despite his family’s position.  King Ronin himself had been a second-born soldier before taking up the crown.  It was because of this similar deviation from what was commonly expected from their birth that had earned the mutual respect the present king and captain currently shared.  Captain True and his King had trained together for years before he was appointed the Northern Fortress to command.   It was because of this respect and fond relationship that Captain True knew he could not go back to the White City without answers for his King.     

The journey into the White lands would be dangerous alone for the winter threatening to break upon them with deadly force, and greater with an unknown enemy reeking of dark magic haunting the land. Treading now into the unknown, the men had left behind the wreckage of the Northern Fortress making headway into the vast White lands surrounded by the biting winds blowing down from the Crystal Mountains.  Silently trusting his fellow warriors with his life, Captain true wordlessly asked the men to do the same as they rode on in pursuit of the evil that had swept through the Northern Fortress only days earlier.

Through the white haze of the brewing blizzard the crew steadily persisted onward, uncertain of the direction they were traveling.  Periodically craning their necks, the men searched the skies for approach of the black-winged creatures.  As if the fear of the unknown demon enemy hiding somewhere in the snowcapped mountains was not enough to cause them worry; the biting cold made it nearly impossible to ride much faster than a mule’s pace.  When the storming grey skies parted momentarily to reveal the Crystal mountain peaks in the distance, the crew discovered that their eastern facing peaks put them far off the main road leading towards the Overlord’s domain.  The Captain feared if they didn’t reach the Overlord’s Crystal Keep by the end of the week, they may have to turn back. 

     With the hope of reaching a village before nightfall, they persisted on in search of shelter from the incoming inclement weather.

“Henry, what have Oreck and Zion discovered?” 

“Captain, they say there’s a village due east about three miles.  We can be there before nightfall.”  Henry nodded his head in the direction northeast as his tawny mane tumbled from its tie-back with frozen flecks of snow plastered to its length.

“Good, and out of this bloody wind.  Hopefully they’ll be a comfortable inn where we can warm ourselves.” The Captain spared a brief perusal of Henry’s wind-burnt face and knew his nearly frostbitten hands would look just as red underneath his weather-worn gloves. 

The White Lands encompassed the White Plains bordering the Kenpo forests to the west near northern Turla territory, and all the way to the eastern Crystal Mountains following the Gorlan Pass out into the rocky shores of the Upper Green Sea.  The beautiful and harsh landscape contained hundreds of miles of unexplored mountain ranges.  Diamond mines were developed just northeast of the Kenpo Mountains, and many villagers that were not farmers or sheep herders kept a living mining the Crystal Mountains.  The rich mines were operated and controlled by the Overlord of the Whitelands.  The Diamonds traveled through the mountain pass into the sea port city of northern Plymouth and exported from there, often via the green sea.  Captain True and his soldiers had never ventured into the mountain villages beyond the northern fortress because Lord Osmin had, until recently, always kept them steadily supplied.  Although King Ronin’s own Royal Golden Sun army had no need to venture into the White lands because The Overlord employed his own Urlan guard, the mountain villages should have recognized the Golden Sun emblem of the Urlan Monarchy.  Lord Osmin’s own soldiers would have worn a similar emblem upon their armor.       

 

The only indication that the dripping sun had fallen behind the mountains was the darkening of the stormy sky from is previous grey to black.  The cold had long settled deep into their bones as the men kept a hardy pace set towards the tiny village.  Its gated torch lights shone through the foggy darkness like a beacon heralding civilization tucked neatly into the valley of the mountain range. 

“There aren’t very many lights.  One would think they don’t welcome outsiders.” 

“We carry the Kings’ flag, Oromon.  They will know we mean them no harm.”  The Captain assured his men.  As they neared the village, an eerie stillness settled around the men that even the Captain could not easily dismiss.

“Do you hear that?”  Henry whispered to the captain.  Captain True held up his fist to stop the riders.  Immediately they quietly dispersed and readied their weapons.  The horses agitated on the frost covered earth sensing something amiss.    

“Too quiet.  Something is not right.”  Abrigard, a stocky man with a red beard chuffed quietly under his breath.   Shifting in his saddle, Abrigard began to dismount and remove his sword, but Captain True held his hand for the man to stand down.  Then he called out to the closed gates,

“We bear the banner of King Ronin as the King’s Royal Sun army. We seek food and shelter this night from your fine village!”  Captain true bellowed, but his announcement was met with only with a yawn of silence.  An almost inaudible shift of an arrow notched in its bow brought the attention of Henry and Oromon to the east. 

“Hold your weapons, we mean you no harm.  We are but twenty men, seeking shelter for the night!”  Captain True repeated when he noticed his men readying their arrows. 

“We don’t house strangers.  Be about your business elsewhere!”  An unfriendly male voice quickly dismissed the soldiers from just beyond the village gate.

“What manner of hospitality is this?!”  The Captain raged. “We are no mere strangers, but the King’s own army!” Captain True teetered a moment atop his horse.  He was not expecting this village to be unfriendly.  His men were tired and hungry, though they never complained.  Denying an Urlan soldier rest and safe haven was an indiscretion he could not let go. 

“Captain.”  A tall and broad shouldered soldier with blonde hair tied back with a leather throng leaned in towards his captain in quiet confidence. “Mayhap these people have some knowledge of the evil that stalks this land.  It may be they are taken to mistrust.”

“Ah Zion, ever diplomatic.  Perhaps we shall dismount and show these villagers we truly mean them no harm.”  The men began to slowly slide from their saddles and put away their arrows.  Still keeping their swords easily accessible, they walked their horses slowly towards the gate. 

“Good sir, open your gates, for we truly mean you no harm.  We are but simple soldiers seeking refuge from the cold.  Would you deny us warmth and shelter when you have it to spare?  We will be on our way in the morning.”  Captain True was speaking to the gatekeeper, but he kept his eyes warily upon the walls.  The village could not have been very large here nestled into the base of the mountain range, although it appeared that the walls and gate has been recently erected and perhaps there were many men guarding its interior.  He could not be sure what lay on the other side of the gate or what these hesitant mountain folk had been through in the last few months. 

The Captain continued to walk forward; his men following him closer to the gate.

“That is far enough!”  A feminine voice from above rang out.  Suddenly, the sting of an arrow pierced through the night as the men barely had time to register the shot being fired.  The arrow landed a scant inch in front of the Captains foot, spraying dirt into the air.  The woman’s voice loud and low came from high above beyond the village wall,

“Do not come any closer! We are familiar with what you soldiers refer to as “meaning no harm!’  Disdain dripped from her sure voice.  The Captain slowly leaned down to pluck the arrow from the ground. 

“A sure shot she has, eh!”  Henry quietly nodded at his captain, eyes wide with uncertainty and, something else.  Amusement?

“Sure indeed.  A little higher and she could really have done damage!”  The Captain shook his head.  “What do you mean, my lady?  What manner of soldiers has this village erecting walls and teaching its women to shoot with such injurious intent and brazen, albeit trained, skill?” 

The woman was taken aback by the soldier’s comments.  Surely a soldier with the sun symbol would have known about the walls they had been forced to erect.  Surely the devils they had encountered would not have noticed her archery skills, or made mention with such clear admiration.  No, she could not overlook the admiration even in his reprimand.  She looked down from her perch on the gate at Bernard, her husband’s uncle who manned the gate, and gave him a curt nod.  He gave a reluctantly returned nod and then slowly began pulling back the heavy wooden doors.

The Captain and his men watched as the doors slid open to reveal the small village tucked away inside.  The dirt road leading through the center was neatly maintained.  The thatch-roofed houses were quietly resting in the darkened backdrop of the overlooking mountains.  A few scattered lanterns lit in succession as the opening doors beckoned the strangers inside.  With a slight rustle of fabric as warning, a lithe woman dressed in boy’s clothing leapt from the ten foot gate and landed softly and expertly into a crouch at the base of the wall with a soft thud.  So this was the archer with the quick tongue.  Her thick, wavy brown hair was pulled back from her delicate face revealing a splash of freckles across her nose.  Her eyes were bright and alert as she took in the sight of the Captain and his men.  

The Captain noticed the imprint of a dagger pressed tightly against her forearm.  For some unknown reason, he felt a pulse of pride for this brave woman.  A tiny grin pulled helplessly from the corner of his mouth.  This night was definitely getting more revealing by the minute.  A man who appeared to be more than twice the woman’s age was leaning heavily upon a wooden staff as he came shuffling into view.  Two young boys just ripening out of childhood hopped from the opposite sides of the gate wall and fell into place beside the woman.  Despite their smallish stature, each held a short spear in their hands with the quiet confidence of having used them before.  The boys looked to be twins and shared a wealth of dirty red hair. 

“Yer not from the White Lands, are ye soldier?” It was not a question.  The little woman began to nod her head at the men.  “There are just the twenty of you then?”

The Captain nodded back while straining to keep the smile itching at his mouth from revealing itself.  He did not wish to offend the accurate lass with her bow.  It was obvious these villagers were of a protective sort. 

“We will need a place to stay out of this wretched snow.  My men are hungry as well.  We will pay you handsomely for your hospitality.”  The Captain smiled then at the woman who had yet to let down her sharp guard.

  “Stella’s the innkeeper.  She’ll provide you with all you be needin’.”  The woman had begun to walk inwards towards the buildings, but swung a careful gaze over her shoulder before continuing, “Just you best be rememberin’ we’re not rich folk around here.  We need every penny we can get.  The boys here can take your horses to the stable. You can follow me.”  She whipped her head around and continued to lead the men into the village. 

The creaking of the gate sounded behind the group of men as they hurried to keep up with the tiny woman weaving through the village.  Abrigard followed the boys as they led the horses towards the stables.  Henry walked alongside the Captain, unaware by how difficult a time Eric True was having in keeping his eyes straight ahead and off the delicate sway of the small woman’s hips. 

To the left and the right the village seemed to come alive as if the people had collectively held their breaths until the gate had slowly opened.  Women and children peaked out from newly alighted windows and the occasional stray dog or chicken rambled though the darkened pathways crisscrossing the tiny houses. 

They stopped at a two-story, stone and wooden building.  An older, very rotund woman with red and gold spun hair swung a lantern out to place on the hook above the door.  The sign read simply: Stella’s.  

The men filled the dining area with their large frames and collapsed into the chairs strewn about.  Henry took a place near the door while Zion and Oreck, a giant of a man with a shaved head, casually seated themselves near the back window. Although the men appeared relaxed, any would have a dagger in your gut quicker than you could drop a shot of whiskey down the hatch.  There were two older men seated by the fireplace in the center of the dining area looking as if they had already enjoyed their share of Stella’s fine ale.  A tiny slip of a girl with her hair pulled neatly back into a knot came out from the back of the kitchen and wordlessly delivered some bread and ale to the seated men.   With a nod of thanks to the serving girl, the Captain took a seat at the bar and turned to face their guide who had only moments ago shot an arrow at his foot and was now introducing herself as Pearl

“Dinner’s a roast chicken, but you’ll be paying for the ale if you be havin it.  Beds are clean.  Up the stairs to the left.”  With a curt nod, the curvaceous red-haired woman named Stella shuffled back behind the scrubbed-clean countertops towards the kitchen. 

“That’s Stella.  She’s an amazing cook and the ale’s made right here.  Those boys taking round your horses are hers as well. They’re good boys and they do a fine job.  Pretty quick with a spear or a dagger too, so I wouldn’t be underestimatin’ them or thinkin’ to keep a fair coin.”

The Inn prorieter was returning through the kitchen with an armful of steaming meat. “Aye, the boys be a fine pair a rabbit hunters, too thanks to Pearl here.  What with me busy running the tavern now, she’s taken ta teachin’ all the young folk how ta handle a dagger and a bow rightly.”  The older woman behind the counter spoke with great affection towards the younger woman.  Her warm face and kindly manner was easier to come by than the sheet of wariness the younger woman seemed reluctant to withdraw.  Placing a plate of bread and stew down in front of the Captain, Stella gave him a quick wink and hustled back through the swinging kitchen door.

Pearl felt a blush creeping up her neck and into her cheeks.  She was not comfortable with the attention Stella had stirred up in front of these skilled-looking soldiers.  She dropped her gaze to her hands and shrugged,

“Well, someone’s gotta teach the young ones how to fend for themselves.”  She raised her eyes once more, growing more courageous as she felt the need to defend herself to these men.  “My pa, rest his soul, never discriminated.  My brothers, all six of em, and me; we learned how to hunt and trap, shoot and fight since we were old enough to walk.  Living out here we seen bobcats, wolves and sometimes cougars.”

Knowing her upbringing reflected nothing courtly or noble like these men had probably been accustomed to in the King’s Royal Army, she quieted.  They had probably been many places and seen many cities filled with beautiful women much more refined that her.  She realized she had sounded a bit defensive before she remembered that the Captain had spoke admirably of her shooting skills.    

It was apparent that the woman was uncomfortable talking about herself. The Captain was growing increasingly more fascinated with this tiny and stunning woman.  She was unrestrained and spoke freely.  He devoured his food set before him quickly while she spoke, yet he could not help but sense her quiet withdrawal. “I am Captain True, Commander of King Ronin’s Northern Fortress.  My men and I are on our way to the Crystal Keep.  I can not help but wonder Pearl; where are all your men?”

“Well, Captain that’s a loaded question now.  There were times when our village was, well, more hospitable to say the least.  We hate to have to be so uninviting.  It isn’t in our nature really.”  She was reluctant to continue.  The Captain needed to gain all of the pieces of this puzzle.

Pearl looked up into the Captain’s silvery gray eyes and felt for some unknown reason that she could trust this man.  “My late husband, Donovan, and my son Amos worked in the diamond mines like most of the good folk round here.  They’d stay on for months during the spring and return in the summer.  The summer past, the men did not return as usual.  We waited and waited, but they never came back.  A group here, Stella’s husband one of em, headed north to see what had happened.  After a while we knew they weren’t gonna be back either.  Grievin’ our losses, we took up the harvest ourselves.  Mostly just the women and the young ones would tend the fields and the old ones would pitch in and do most of the cooking.  We lost a lot of our sheep too, getting picked off by wolves that we just couldn’t fend off ourselves.”  Pearl heaved a heavy sigh and looked around at the large men seated around the tables eating hardily.  No one appeared to be interested in eavesdropping, but she knew they were listening to every word. 

“Where are these mines that you speak of Pearl?” 

There was an audible hitch in the woman’s voice before she answered, “You can’t go there, Captain.  Death waits for you should you try.  I won’t watch another walk off into that valley and ne’er return.” She gripped his forearm fiercely and then released it just as quickly.  Captain True could feel his arm burning where she had placed her hand.  His chilled bones seemed to melt from that one touch alone.

“We must meet with Lord Osmin before anything else my lady.  Thank you for your concern, but we are trained soldiers and quite capable of keeping alive should there be a threat.  Nothing will happen to us that we aren’t prepared for.”  From his seat by the door Henry lifted one eyebrow at his captain.  So the eavesdroppers hadn’t missed the heartfelt exchange between he and Pearl.  A few grins threatened to rise on the men seated at the tables but a stern look from Captain True over his shoulder silenced their building snickers.  Flirtatious banter aside, Captain True and Henry locked eyes knowingly before he turned his gaze back to the woman seated next to him.  The men would be investigating the diamond mines for certain.

“There is something more, isn’t there Pearl?”  The Captain gently urged.

Pearl shifted uneasily on her barstool.  Stella came out from the kitchen then with an arm full of tankards of ale.  She hustled about the tables keeping a keen eye on Pearl talking with the Captain. 

There was a relentless tension clinging to the atmosphere. Something about the people in the village was off.  The muffled conversation between the two older men at the table quieted down in anticipation.  The soldiers sensed something more than some missing miners. 

Pearl dropped her voice and leaned in closer to the captain.  Her knee lightly brushed the captain’s thigh.  Their eyes collided for a brief moment as everyone else in the room slipped into the background.  She jerked her head to the side and caught a glimpse of Stella staring back at her.  She shook her head to clear the haze. 

“Pearl, what aren’t you telling me?  Whatever it is, we can help you.  I promise.”  The Captain placed his calloused hand gently on top of her smaller one on the countertop. The young serving girl that had been gathering up empty plates suddenly dropped a mug and it fell to the ground with a crash.  Stella hustled around the countertop and made the sign of the cross over her brow before shooing the girl back into the kitchen.

“It started with the soldiers, Captain.  At first they came and demanded all able bodied men over the age of fourteen to come with them to be trained for the royal army.”

Grunts and hisses rippled through the men.  Captain True looked to Henry as they shared a pained expression. 

“Go on, Pearl.  What happened after that?  You can tell me.” 

“Well, after we waited so long for our people to return from the mines, the loss of our men was grave.”

“Tell me about these soldiers, Pearl.  No child is required to serve the King’s army.  Who were these imposters?”

“They bore the royal emblem, my lord.  We had to obey! They came in with their swords and demanded every last man!”

“Captain, it cannot be!  What trickery is this?”  Henry stood so abruptly that his chair clashed to the floor behind him. 

“We’ll get to the bottom of this, Henry.  King Ronin is not aware that such wrong doings are happening in his name.”  The Captain looked back at Pearl and reached out his hand to wipe a single tear that had fallen from her emerald eyes. 

“There’s more Captain.  These soldiers, there was something off about the lot of them.  They were cold like statues, almost as if they weren’t…well, human.”  Pearl swallowed deeply before she continued lower, “Looking at one of em was like looking at the whole of em.  I can’t quite explain it.  They were off is all.  A few weeks went by and Josh and Adam, Stella’s boys, were out lettin’ the sheep graze when they saw an army dressed in black marching through the valley.  That night we heard terrible shrieks echoing off the mountains.  I’ve lived in these mountains my whole life captain, and never before have I heard such a noise.  Chilled me to the bone it did.  We got started on them walls the very next day.”  She shook her head and slowly brought her hands up to her eyes. 

She knew she must have sounded like a blithering idiot spouting nonsense.  Although she remembered her great grandmother telling tales of sorcery and magic, superstitious fancies were frowned upon in this day.  She was afraid the good captain and his men would take her for a fool. 

“I believe you Pearl.  We may have an idea just what creatures you speak of that made those shrieks.  When was this army spotted?”

“Just about three weeks ago.”

“This must have been the enemy we encountered at the fortress, Captain.” Oromon provided from his seat to the left of Henry.  “The timing is right.” 

Pearl cast her eyes around the room full of intimidating men.  “What happened?”  She barely whispered.

“We were attacked without warning by this black army as you call them.  They, like these soldiers that visited your village, are not what they seem.  Our Northern fortress suffered severe damage at the hand of this foe.  My men and I are heading north to seek answers. We must leave at first light and it is growing late, my lady.  We offer you our thanks for housing and feeding us this night.” The Captain raised his glass to Stella standing in the doorway listening intently.  He then took Pearl’s hand into his own and brought her knuckles slowly to his mouth to place a soft kiss upon her hand. “We must ride out at dawn, but I thank you for your hospitality and all the information you have provided.”                      

“We are simply survivors now.  The people of this village have seen many horrid things we cannot explain.  May strength and honor go with you.”  And with that, the beautiful woman nodded and departed.  Captain True felt a small light that had begun burning in his very soul flicker and fade into the night with her departure.

With belly’s full and ale to go around, the men had gathered to discuss the coming morning.  As the fires flickered and blazed into the night, Captain True and his men agreed that the disappearance of the villagers had been eerily coincidental to the timing and the questions raised by their enemy.  It had to be investigated further, and that meant heading into the mountains and the diamond mines.  Another puzzling detail that couldn’t be overlooked was the soldiers that were passing themselves off as the King’s men.  They couldn’t be sure how many of these traitorous men were out there and just who was leading them.

“It would seem that we’re heading for the mountains then.”  Zion tipped his tankard back and uncurled his long legs out to stretch.

“It would seem so.”  The Captain met the eyes of his men and saw they were not only willing but ready.  The desecration of all they stood for as soldiers of King Ronin’s army was disgusting to them all. 

“What of Lord Osmin?  It’s possible he’s been attacked as well.  Should we search the mountains before the keep if there may be danger to the Overlord?” Henry leaned across the table and met Captain True’s gaze before he continued.  Looking now to rest of the men he lowered his voice.  “And where are all the Overlord’s soldiers?  Could there have been an uprising?” 

“We need to find out what’s going on in the mines.  It is possible the Overlord has no idea men are missing.  He would want to know, I would think.” Captain True wrestled a bit with the thought that Lord Osmin may already now about the missing men and chose to do nothing about it.  He could have sent word to King Ronin.  Osmin himself held a substantial army at the Crystal Keep.  It seemed irresponsible in the least to be unaware of the happenings in the villages to which the Overlord was responsible.  Something was eluding them all.  Captain True rarely dealt personally with Lord Osmin and wondered what sort of man he was urgently trying to warn.  

“The mines first, then to the Crystal Keep.  Perhaps the Overlord will be able to shed some light on these unexplained patterns.”

“Or have some explaining to do.”  The enormous man with his head shaved named Oreck had not spoken the entire night.  As he rose to ascend the stairs his final words hung auspiciously in the air.  Captain True was the last man to leave the dining room.  His eyes raked over the dieing fire as a chill crept up his spine.  He had a feeling the mines held more secrets than glittering gems.

Chapters

27

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Charles Knightley wrote 10 days ago

War of the Wastelands
Sara Sjoquist

I read the first five chapters and think this is a good story, written very well although I didn't particularly like the poem!

The first chapter was excellent. I loved your descriptions. One thing, and this is my fault, I misread Boar as Bear (it was late in the day) and then was startled to read about a Boar, as I said, my fault.

What does “I am the monster you have made me" mean? I'm guessing you either mean "I am the monster, you have made me" or "I am the monster you have made".

Chapter 2 was good. a couple of nitpicks.
- “What have you done?!” Osmin croaked in an agonized whispered.
You don't need the exclamation mark with the question mark. Also whispered should be whisper.

The next three chapters moved along at a good pace. A few minor things in the second paragraph of chapter 4.

"... the wall of books barked" - did the books bark?

- Beside Ronin, Omsin coughed gently.
Who is Omsin?

All in all, a good story and highly starred.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Josephine O Brien wrote 10 days ago

Hi Sarah,
I liked the poetry and the prologue but I was questioning the language. If it was an excerpt from a watchman's journal (even one set in a more courtly time.) it would not be so poetic , I think 'blood-forged sword' aren't the words of a night log.
The rest of the chapter certainly hits hard, unexpected and well done. No way not to turn the page.

Chap 2: Initial disappointment that we weren't continuing with the sorcerer, my eyes wanted to skip over the start but I was quickly drawn in. Very nicely written scene with king , new baby and son, very touching.

Chap 3: 'too big for his small hands' I think rather than 'his smaller hands'
Just 'dead flesh' instead of 'deadened flesh'
'frozen figure' and 'stood frozen' are a biot close to each other about the same person in the same scene.
'But Osmin was fascinated...' This doesn't need the but, the argument and rebuttal was done in the previous paragraph.
'...wherein there were spells...' not 'wherein contained....'
Great last line .

Chap 4. '....of what most would frightfully turn away.' This doesn't quite make sense. Most would tun from in fright/ most would fearfully turn away.
Loved the normal brotherly banter that led to disaster, a great sequence.

Chap 5: 'You have been more than just a brother to me in name SILENCE our mother...' is this a typo or am I missing something?
That's an awful lot of back story in the space of King Aro's musings at first it was fine and I followed it but when it went on and I realized he was remembering situations that he wasn't present at. It became confusing and I went back and forwards to see if we were still in the same scene with the ill Osmin and we were. It would probably be fine with a bit of tweaking as in ' He could easily imagine those treacherous nobles.......'
Although the dialogue helps fill in the back story interestingly, it's slightly out of context here.


Chap 6: Wow! I Did not expect Osim to be so welcoming to the sorcerer, surely he knows how evil he is. Great scene full of tension.

Chap 7: Now I'm wondering would such bonded brothers have come to this over the crowning , when Osmin's inability to rule due to his health is beyond dispute? Is there another reason? Did Ronin gloat too much, swagger ? After all Osmin has now had the freedom to follow his heart's desire and study magic.

I'm leaving this now, but only for a while , I'll be back for more. Going on my watch list for now.
Thanks for read,
Cheers,
Josephine, Shared Skies.

Seringapatam wrote 39 days ago

Sara, certainly not my bag but you have done a good job of writing it. it does hook the reader. There is a good match going on with the characters and the pace of the book. Although not my bag, I wish you all the best with this. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Oceana wrote 41 days ago

This story really packs a punch! I've only read to chapter 5 but you've done a great job catching my interest and making me curious how it will all unravel. On the flip side you have so many storylines and characters happening at once it's a little confusing; once I read on I expect all will become clear, but for a beginning I think it's a little hard to invest in a character when you're mostly trying to keep all the people and storylines straight. Just a thought.
Excellent poetry, and you've done a good job creating your mythical world in a way that has layers and details without it suffering from overcomplexity or dettached elements.
Oceana

cnlumbat wrote 67 days ago

Your writing is really strong...Chapter 2 especially. Your narrative and dialogue flow well together, and the sense of tension and anticipation you set up is pretty masterful. High stars!

My only critique: when I began reading chapter 3, it felt like there was too much back story about Osmin's interest in magic. You might consider adding another chapter between the two so you can show this instead of telling it. This would then make the readers more invested in this important scene between Ronin and Osmin.

HOWEVER, this type of back story is more common in novels for adults, and I'm geared toward YA. Which is to say, this change isn't essential.

-cnlumbat
Daniel and the Sun Sword

KMac23 wrote 75 days ago

I thought chapter one was gripping. I loved the poem you started out with, having an a age old celtic feel to it. It was a great way to open your story. Right away, I was pulled into the story, following the boys on their chase. I felt Samson's fear as they entered the woods and Roderick's lust for blood, leading them into something forbidden and dark. The description of the king's sorcerer and his home was a hint of things to come. I like how it was subtle and short. You allowed the reader a quick thought of his presence and then pulled back to the boys again. His pleasure at the boys expense proved the type character he was and gave me the creeps for sure. You are a talented writer, able to create a suspenseful scene with such creativity. Best wishes,

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Jhone wrote 77 days ago

I am gripped immediately and have read the first chapter. I look and forward to reading more.I have rated and backed this.I wish you all the best.
Jhone

:) :) :)

Graham Jon Don Lench wrote 134 days ago

Hi Sara
Read chapter 1, loved the opening poem, and loved the chapter as a whole. Quite a dark tone, which I think set the scene beautifully. My only tiny quibble, and I hate saying this, was describing the severed boars head as like a kebob on the end of a spear. It just sounded a little modern for this sort of tale, but that aside I thoroughly enjoyed it. I have placed it on my bookshelf and starred and wish you all the best.
If you ever get chance, I appreciate all comments on my story, good or bad, as I enjoy writing (as we all do here) but am also grateful for honest feedback.
Graham lench
The Eighth day

Graham Jon Don Lench wrote 134 days ago

Hi Sara
Read chapter 1, loved the opening poem, and loved the chapter as a whole. Quite a dark tone, which I think set the scene beautifully. My only tiny quibble, and I hate saying this, was describing the severed boars head as like a kebob on the end of a spear. It just sounded a little modern for this sort of tale, but that aside I thoroughly enjoyed it. I have placed it on my bookshelf and starred and wish you all the best.
If you ever get chance, I appreciate all comments on my story, good or bad, as I enjoy writing (as we all do here) but am also grateful for honest feedback.
Graham lench
The Eighth day

CATHERINE SHAW wrote 135 days ago

I love this genre and your story has certainly raised the bar for me. Top stars!!

Darrne Hollinshead wrote 135 days ago

A great sounding book with plenty of interest for the fantasy reader to sink their teeth into. :)

Backed and rated. Looking forward to reading it.

Darren.

Chris_H wrote 231 days ago

Immediately hooked. This book has great promise!

I'll definitely be reading more of this.

Backed and rated high stars. Thanks for sharing :)

Chris.

~ Check out my fantasy "Murder, Child."

RMAWriteNow wrote 276 days ago

Hi Sara; after having read early chapters of your book I decided to progress further into your story. I have just read the chapter 'Port Burn' and the shorter chapter, 'King Abidal's Palace', after it.
Your story has certainly moved on. The writing being lighter in nature but still extremely descriptive. King Ronin, as a character, seems well rounded and certainly feels the weight of his kingship. There seemed more dialogue than what I read before but it was all well written and always succinct. This always seemed relevant to the story and never being used as a fillet just to bulk the story out. I liked how you moved from one long, rolling chapter into a much shorter but equally good one. 'in the twilight of the fading sky' was a simply beautiful opening. The quality of the story never slacking from this great first line.
I am glad that you have continued the quality through what is a great book.
RMA
The Snow Lily

ELAdams wrote 331 days ago

I really like the poem at the opening; you create some powerful imagery as well as grounding the reader in the fantasy world. Your descriptions grabbed me from the opening, the wind twisting 'as if seeking something to wrap with its icy chill'. The sense of atmosphere and setting in the opening chapter are superb, and the Sorcerer is chilling and sinister. The deaths of the boys are shocking and you end the chapter on a note of suspense.

I like the contrast in tone in the second chapter. You describe everything well enough for the reader to easily be able to picture it, without going into extraneous detail. I really like the interactions between the two brothers in chapter three, and the magical creation is a really interesting idea.

This is a great read, suspenseful and well thought-out. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first three chapters. I also love the front cover!

Six stars from me, and best of luck with this!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

RMAWriteNow wrote 334 days ago

Hi Sara; "a renegade wind" what a fantastic first image to accompany the poetic opening. Then we meet the Sorceror (not a very nice fellow) but nicely framed by the writing. The switch from the darkness of chapter one to the lightness of the kingdom of Urla and the childbirth in two. All very well done Sara, and nothing that requires changing. You appear to have the birthings of a really good story here, well done. High stars.
RMA
The Snow Lily
Sea Spray and Stars

SusanMK wrote 360 days ago

This was a ripping good yarn, and you've set it up nicely for the following chapters. I though that the sorcerer might be good to start off with, then got a real shock when he iced the kids!

I am keeping you on my WL for when I have shelf space.


Just a couple of editing nit picks. You says that the wind is a deluge onto the plains ( like the "gusty deluge" by the way, nice phrase), but then you go on to talk about the plains below - for some reason this led me to wonder if these were the plains below the plains, which I don't think you meant. I think if you deleted "below" it would still make sense. You then say, again, "the plains of the White Lands" - I think you only need this once, after that you can simply say "the plains." Also, do you mean kebab rather than kebob?

liberscriptus wrote 385 days ago

Hi Sara,

I read the first four (Autho) chapters of War of the Wastelands. I think you have a very strong opening with the two boys and the wizard, creating a lot of tension from the very first page. Especially when you fast forward to the two young princes playing along the edges of the same woods - one can't help but feel a sense of trepidation that they, too, could fall into the clutches of the mysterious wizard. I think it's clever how you use a song to open the book, weaving in both background on your world and a promise for excitement to come.

You have a real knack for descriptions and imagery, painting vivid and imaginative pictures of the settings. Some of the narrative can get a little confusing, however, because you switch point of views so often. For example, in chapter 3, you switch between Osmin and Ronin's views of the creature attack. This makes it somewhat difficult for the reader to keep track of what's going on - I would suggest picking one brother and telling the story through his eyes and using section breaks to mark where the point of view changes.

I think you've got a great start here, and War of the Wastelands has a lot of promise. Best of luck with this!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

sodyt wrote 392 days ago

Hi Sara. Not really into fantasy to be honest. But you first few chapters are obvioulsy very well written and paint your landscape in vivid terms. Bets of luck with it. Cheers Eric

Cara Gold wrote 413 days ago

{War of the Wastelands} – Sara Sjoquist
Prologue and Chapter 1:

What a beautiful opening to a story, with the prophecy poem. This was skilfully written, highlighting both your imagination and skill with words. It also sets the scene nicely.

Chapter one is a well-written, fast-paced and emotive scene. I like your descriptions, and the way you show how your characters are feeling – helping the reader to identify with them. A couple of great original images that I liked was the ‘renegade wind’ (excellent personification!) … ‘seeking to wrap something in its icy chill’

Dialogue is well used, and reads naturally. The tension is built well, and you manage to weave in a few details about your world – without bombarding the reader, or making them feel overwhelmed with information.

Great start and I look forward to reading more!! :D
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Edwin P. Magezi wrote 415 days ago

Hi Sara,

Sorry it took me so long to return the read. I've read up to chapter 4 and so far the story is progressing quickly through time bust slowly in the plot lines which is okay since you've had to introduce the characters central to your story.
You've done well portraying your characters and their personalities.
Ronin is an intriguing character, energetic and quite impulsive. I honestly wouldn't see him as fit for king, but then, I've only had a glimpse of his personality. I'm curious to see how he does at the job and how that happened exactly :)
I'm not one to criticise writing but I'm sure those who commented before me mentioned what needs to be edited to make the writing cleaner.
Bottom line, it seems promising enough and with a clean, professional edit, I'm certain it'd read well enough to reflect it's quality.

Highly rated.

Edwin - The First Oath

Paul Freeman wrote 441 days ago

Hi, Sara.

I started War of the Wastelands. Good to start with a couple of gruesome deaths. I kinda liked how you built up the personalities of the two boys, giving them life, rather than just making them two faceless victims. A couple of minor things, that everyone else will probably disagree with anyway. You mention that the sorceror glides twice, first when he appears to the boys and again at the end, I thought once was enough. I also thought when you said he seemed to beckon the boys forward, but Roderick did not see him lift a finger, felt a bit awkward. He did or he didn't. I don't know maybe something like, an unseen force pushed the boys forward, Roderick did not see him move but felt compelled towards him....
I really enjoyed what I read.

Paul

T J Pallett wrote 470 days ago

Chapter one - 'hung like a gruesome kabob' - What's a kabob?
Chapter three - I have trouble believing that a ten year old boy could kill a monster almost the size of a horse with one move. Could the beast be smaller or the fight longer?

Looking forward to discovering more about what the prince is up to with his magic. Adding this to the bookshelf and will read some more when I get the chance.

Tom
Conspiracy (Gateway trilogy)

BrettC wrote 481 days ago

Nice opening - I like the pace of it and the shock of killing the two boys is a emotive way of drawing the character of the sorcerer. You evoke the landscape really well, and you seem to be trying to make the wind an almost sentient thing as if it is pushing the boys in to the woods. Is this the case? For me this opening chapter really starts to work when the sorcerer reveals himself and toys with the boys - though perhaps we could have them struggle a little more. Also, the line 'the boys once known as Roderick etc' Is this really necessary? Only you as the author knows this, they have not told us this, you are.
Anyway, I want to read more of this and will do - I want to know who this guy is :-)

Brett

Joshua Jacobs wrote 484 days ago

I love the poem that opens this novel. It sets the tone well and made me eager to start reading. The description that follows, done through action rather than a still scene, is invigorating. I’ve been in a bit of a writing slump and upon reading this description I felt my writing juices flowing. Very impressive.

The immediate conflict as Roderick and Samson fight over entering the forest piqued my interested right away. As far as novel beginnings go, this rates among the best on authonomy.

In many ways the story here reminds me of my first novel I wrote when I was still in college. The only major difference is you did it right! I’m quite jealous.

There is a lot to be impressed with here.

Holy crap. How can I stop at chapter one? This is an outstanding beginning.

As I read, I only had two minor concerns. First, this has some familiar elements to it. As you continue to work on improving it, always ask yourself how to set it apart from what is already out there. Second, your writing is strong enough without a lot of the adverbs and adjectives you use. Continue to polish this, eliminating words that interfere with your story.

Other than that, fantastic job. This book deserves to do well here!

AunaJune wrote 499 days ago

I like how you open the book. It's new and interesting. Great detail throughout. Your characters at the beginning are interesting and the dialogue is easy to believe. You have created a good fantasy world and it is a good original piece for fantasy readers. Something people can enjoy and it seems good a a varied range of readers. I think it has some potential. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk and working on getting published.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Su Dan wrote 504 days ago

l love the setting and background- perfect writting for the genre...a real treat...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Christian Rogue wrote 504 days ago

Piercing and most definitely a wonderful fantasy romp. What I have read so far, I have definitely enjoyed. Your descriptions are piercing and I can picture everything very well. I also liked Omin and Ronin. Their bonds of brotherhood and their opposing skill set, promises an interesting tale indeed. Can't wait to see where you will go with this!
-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

TyBean wrote 523 days ago

I really enjoyed the first chapter. Spooky, but light-hearted in some ways. Great tension, and a lovely cover.

ShadowOfOsiris wrote 525 days ago

Hi Sara

I've read two chapters. It is well written and I like the premise. My notes:

'It went in there(,) Samson(.) (H)urry, we can't...'

You refer to the bore as 'it' twice, then 'he' twice, in the same sentence.

The small cottage should have 'remained quiet, but for the steady whistling...'

'cryptic speed'?

'...before them, though tall and imposing(,) looked out...'

Burnt bodies? I thought they were rotted

I know this is a different time and they'd be beyond their years, but I'm having a lot of trouble believing these children - especially the seven year old. He is nothing like a seven year old; not even a mature seven year old.

'their uncle had had given in'

'before his experimenting could resurface' - not sure that makes sense. 'resume'

There are a few places where I'm not sure if you've used the right word, and a few punctuation issues, but for the most part it is good. I'm also not sure where the sci fi comes from - it seems entirely fantasy to me.

Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have a chance to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Jo Hervey wrote 534 days ago

I've read a couple of chapters. It looks like this is going to be high fantasy, with wizards and prophecies. And wars.

I'm afraid I stumbled at the first hurdle. I have no idea what a 'renegade wind' is. Your later analogy 'as if seeking something to wrap around its icy chill' didn't work for me either. Wind wraps around things, not the other way round. Then we meet two young men and an unnamed sorcerer, who presumably kills them (burnt bodies) and uses their essence to make himself younger. This is your first chapter, where you grab a reader's interest. You have not yet introduced the MC and the energy I've expended in feeling sympathy for the two young men is a waste of effort. We then move on to the two princes, where it looks like one has mystical powers and we hear about a killed beast which will be returning.

What I'm saying is that I don't see the narrative thread. I've read and re-read your blurb but I don't see how those first two chapters lead me on. I hasten to add that it's your story and you must tell it as you see fit. But you might consider starting your story at chapter 4 and adding the back story as it becomes required.

Best wishes with your writing

D. S. Hale wrote 539 days ago

Chapter one is mesmerizing. I caught myself saying "uh oh" when the sorcerer said "thank you for my dinner". I couldn't stop reading, and am looking forward to sitting down with a cup of coffee and finishing what you have online. You are a great weaver of words! Congradulations on holding my attention, which many authors have failed to do on this site.

P.S. I found one spelling error toward the bottom of the first chapter in the paragraph that begins "The sorcerer now stood tall and elegantly.............The third sentence should be Smiling, and you have Smiley.
D. S. Hale

D. S. Hale wrote 539 days ago

Chapter one is mesmerizing. I caught myself saying "uh oh" when the sorcerer said "thank you for my dinner". I couldn't stop reading, and am looking forward to sitting down with a cup of coffee and finishing what you have online. You are a great weaver of words! Congradulations on holding my attention, which many authors have failed to do on this site.

P.S. I found one spelling error toward the bottom of the first chapter in the paragraph that begins "The sorcerer now stood tall and elegantly.............The third sentence should be Smiling, and you have Smiley.
D. S. Hale

D. S. Hale wrote 539 days ago

Chapter one is mesmerizing. I caught myself saying "uh oh" when the sorcerer said "thank you for my dinner". I couldn't stop reading, and am looking forward to sitting down with a cup of coffee and finishing what you have online. You are a great weaver of words! Congradulations on holding my attention, which many authors have failed to do on this site.

P.S. I found one spelling error toward the bottom of the first chapter in the paragraph that begins "The sorcerer now stood tall and elegantly.............The third sentence should be Smiling, and you have Smiley.
D. S. Hale

D M Sharples wrote 539 days ago

Sara,

Overall this has quite a strong voice to it, and builds into the story carefully and with a good pace. The descriptions are vivid without being too wordy, giving the reader enough to create a personalised image. This is a big part of keeping people interesed, particularly with this kind of book. Dialogue is mostly well done and realistic, though I think there are a couple of places where it could be edited, for example 'do you understand what it is you have done?'. This is after he says 'What have you done?' and is pretty much the same question, so it doesn't really feel necessary. There are also some word choices and forms that I feel are out of place with the rest of the narrative, words such as 'whence' and 'doubted not'. They'd be fine in the dialogue, but with the narrative generally being a 'modern' voice, they stick out a bit.
Those points aside, this has the potential for an enthralling story.

D M Sharples.

Brian Bandell wrote 542 days ago

I like your storytelling here. Chapter 4 is where the plot really take off and the meeting with the dark sorcerer is well down. I would like to know a bit more about Ronin's personality before he becomes the heir. I also find it a little strange that the king's council is bothering him with matters of war when his son lay dying.

You do a good job with descriptions and back story. Just be careful to clean up the text.

Change “its” to “it’s”: “I don’t think it’s worth it!”

Remove “from”: “I killed that horrible creature attacking you.”

Good job. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

the dragon flies wrote 542 days ago

[War of the Wastelands]

Good start. You pull me right in and that's not always easy with fantasy. When Samson and Roderick enter that forest, you know something is bound to happen. You don't know what, but the dangers are eminent.

Until you show the old man near the crackling fire. You build up tension and release it so quickly your story caves in like a badly baked cake. The next part is no longer dangerous because you know there won't be any ghouls... This adds nothing to the story, so you can as well delete it.

Apart from this, the story is well written. Go 4 it!

Peter

RossK wrote 542 days ago

Hi Sara
Have read chapters 1 to 4 and thoroughly enjoyed them. Your style is confident and assured and your dialogue flows well. I'm a big fantasy fan and found the traditional heroic fantasy story very welcome in the current mire of explicit fantasy deluging the Market. I recall the simpler tales of David Eddings and Fritz Lieber and Terry Brooks from my younger days (that makes me sound very old!!). The role forced reluctantly on our MC is a staple of good drama and I look forward to reading more.
A lot of the comments detail style and grammar and punctuation so I won't- there are a few missing commas and apostrophes in there. The prose is a touch heavy on adjectives in places, which are distracting and there is a run in chapter 3 where you start loads of sentences with -ing words: they tend to weaken the sentences, and could be rearranged. Only suggestions.
Good yarn- good luck with it.
Cheers, Ross
(Dreams of Darkness Rising)

Timmy42 wrote 545 days ago

I had a look through the first chapter and like the writing style. The story flows well and the dialogue is good.

I couldn't find anything that hasn't been flagged up already.

Very good.

All the best

Timmy
(Asylum)

Christopher Penn-Wright wrote 550 days ago

Thanks for the review. So I'm returning the favour. There are a few errors that distract from the plot but with a little work, I see potential with the strory - even though science fiction wouldn't be a genre I particularly adore. Maria V. Snyder had a trilogy entitled 'Poison Study', 'Magic Study', 'Fire Study'. They deal with magic and magicians but it closely mirrors the content of your books. Although, Ms. Snyder's books do contain a strong romantic element. I've only read your first three chapters so I do not claim to know whether your story will involve a romatic component.

Most of my opinions will be subjective so you can chooose to take the criticism on board or discard it. When I opened myself up for a criticism, many aspiring writers criticised my title claiming it to be too boring. I picked it for a particular reason and if your title carries significant meaning that you can justify, then I urge you not to change it. However, it mirrors the title 'War of the Worlds' and when you read the title alone, something on a subconscious level connects this with that of the iconic text.

The Urla/Turla territories is something that particularly bothered me. Because they are opposing territories, you might want to substitute one of the areas with something more distinct to make the two areas stand, each in their own right and avoiding any confusion.

Chapter 1: "Toeing the line of the familiar glade from whence they came..." The "whence" seems rather out of line with the author voice that relays the information and sets the scene. It took me out of the moment and made me question the author-voice.

Chapter 1: "His body pulsing with adrenaline through his veins, Roderick was not about to be daunted by the tales whispered around campfires to scare little children." Maybe: Adrenaline pulsed through the veins in his body but Roderick was not about to be..."

Chpater 1: "With his impeccablehearing, the old man noticed the crackling of the sticks and leaves..." Personally, I identify the verb "to notice" with sight as opposed to hearing and here, I would substitute "noticed" with something like "picked up".

Chapter 1: "a whine of a spear". The whine of the spear doesn't convinve me and I'm sorry but I'm extremely pernickety in my critiques of both my own and other people's work. Maybe slash or something more violent that reflects the destructive nature of the weapon.

Chapter 1: "What exactly ahd they come into these woods for they puzzled? Comma (,) after the "for".

Chapter 1: "stretched languidly as if a cat waking up from a deep sleep." Replace "as if" with "like". For me, it just makes the sentence more fluid.

Chapter 2: "A disgruntled snake-like creature had emerged from the cave behind his older brother's frozen figure. It looked as if a giant snake had grown wings and slithered out of the darkened cave." Both sentences provide the same basic information and come across as repetitious. Maybe amalgamate the two?

Chapter 2: "Had the Ronin been able to tear his gaze from the smoking corpse he would have shuddered..." "the Ronin" should just be "Ronin".

Chapter 2: "No one had ever before seen the creature Ronin's magic had awakened." I thought it was Osmin's magic???

Chapter 2: Your author voice tends to confuse me at times: "Osmin was earnest now, with wild and demanding eyes. He needed to know he could trust his younger brother to keep his secret."
AND
"Just what the devil was his brother playing at?" (Ronin in relation to Osmin)

Chapter 2: "As the sun began to set as they set out together for their father's house in the White City." You use "as" twice.

Chapter 3: "Ronin's feet (-) planted on the opposite riverbank (-) were stupefied into a standstill." Correction in circular brackets.

A good attempt and I hope this constructive criticism helps. Apologies for any spelling errors.

All the best,

Chris

QuinnYA wrote 556 days ago

I've found this to be a great blend of fantasy and sci fi. You don't see that much and you start this off well. I have a hard enough time editing my own work, I tend to come at a book as a reader. You kept me interested through three chapers. The detail and descriptions painted a great picture. I see potential in this. The storyline is imaginative. I'd use names earlier though, some of the lack of them confused me. I don't mind backing this at all in a while. I think with a few tweaks here and there, you'll be on the right track. Sorry I'm not that helpful!

Missy

Pete A wrote 560 days ago

War of the Wastelands

I note that there is some sort of problem with your chapter lengths – it says ‘end page’ half way through chapter 4.

Short pitch: I think it needs a tiny re-wording because at the moment it says the ‘prophecy unravels’ IN the War of the Wastelands. If you mean the book then it’s ambiguous. And I would hint at the nature of the prophecy.

Long pitch: I’m not sure that third paragraph is efficient - you only need the teaser elements not the story. I’d simplify it if possible.

Main text: the first paragraph is the one everyone, reader included, gets their first impression of your work. Yours starts brilliantly with that ‘renegade wind’. I’m not entirely sure what it means but it works I think. However, the rest of the paragraph has shades of purple. I’m afraid you carry this metaphor too far and it gets mixed. It sails, wraps, courses and pours like a deluge. Hmm. It’s also so forceful that it carries into the first bit of speech and for a second the reader thinks the boy has wounded the wind. Do you see? Also I would get the names in early, rather than ‘one boy.’

I noticed odd word choices here and there: ‘to glow darkly’ seems to make sense, though it’s oxymoronic. ‘in which the man occupied’ the ‘in’ is not needed, ‘pondered the thought aloud.’ I believe one can think, or ponder, but not ponder a thought.’

In chapter two I noticed several word echoes that I didn’t see in C1 like ‘even him’ ‘even his’. These are tricky little devils. I find the best way to spot them is the long delay edit or, better, the helpful friend – just prime a friend to spot such things and they’ll find loads that you just won’t see.

I do worry that the reader might be puzzled by the ‘strange creature’ since it is introduced and then killed without you even hinting that it might be a portent or some other plot device.

And then a near drowning. I think you should be careful about a too episodic approach here. The reader needs a little more clue about what s/he is embarked upon by this stage.

scoz512 wrote 564 days ago

3 new chpaters

scoz512 wrote 573 days ago

All newly edited up to chapter 8

Philthy wrote 587 days ago

Hi Sara,

The variety in your list of favorite books drew me to your story. So, here I am!

Below are some things I noticed. Just my humblest opinions, of course.

Great pitches! You might consider condensing a bit. Scrubbing unneeded words and focusing on active verbs with less back story. Still, very good pitch. Most I read on here aren’t good at all.

Chapter 1

Delete that semicolon. Publishers apparently don’t like it, and it isn’t really needed here anyway. I would just turn it into a new sentence.

“shoulder length” should be hyphenated here.

“a young boy threw a beckoning arm backwards at his friend” This is clunky. I don’t see the imagery. Probably too much to say he “threw” his arm. I’m seeing him with a decapitated arm throwing it at his friend.

“silent trees” since trees don’t make sound themselves, I assume you mean still trees? Or, silent woods?

Delete “now”

“shrieking through his head” I’m confused. What’s shrieking through his head? I thought the warning was being said aloud.

“…towards the trees;” replace that semi colon with a comma. Semicolons are most often used to separate independent clauses.

Your voice is great and you have a wonderful sense of sentence fluidity. It’s refreshing to read something that’s so easy to get into. A good scrubbing might do it some good, though, but that’s no biggie. Good storyline so far, and you have the talent to make that story really come to life.

Good luck with this! I anticipate seeing it high in the rankings at some point.

If you get the chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. I’d love to know your thoughts.

All the best!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

celticwriter wrote 589 days ago

Hi Sara,
Looking forward to reading your work. Love the genre. And, yeah, looks like it should be a movie (sorry, scriptwriters look at life that way). Very cool synopsis! Carries one away easily and willingly into your journey.

blessings,
Jim

scoz512 wrote 591 days ago

Had some problems with the new edits. Had to delete and start again. Thanks for the earlier comments, though. Please feel free to comment and back it again!

1