Book One: The Immortal: The Story of Trojus

Yarg Review
Strong beginning, with a good plot and pitch.
Brilliant narrative, flecked with golden dialogue and jewel encrusted description.
Fluent and lyrical, quick and staccato.
Good hooks to draw reader into next chapter.
Language convincing and characters too.
Time difference easy to believe and well researched.
Liked this a lot.
Well done.

Hi, there, Hercules – this is your YARG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I have good news and bad news…I don’t read this genre much so I won’t be able to offer solid feedback on characterization or plot. On the other hand, I’m an English teacher so I can give you tons of feedback on grammar and usage.

You mix tenses in the prologue. “King Aragon watched as his once mighty kingdom sinks.” Review that whole first paragraph for a few more. I notice this because I struggle with it myself. But while it pops out at me in the writing of others, I never seem to notice it in my own.

Aragon sounds a bit overused to me. But I’m not a frequent reader of fantasy, so you would know best. It sounds an awful lot like Aragorn and Eragon.

You’ve got “continues on his journey” twice in close succession in the first paragraph and the second.

Consider revising some sentences to be more precise and meaningful. “The King marches through the darkness of the cold and extreme blizzard; and the blizzard is harsh and unforgiving.” You can simplify this by saying, “The King marches through the unforgiving darkness of the harsh blizzard.” To pack an even more powerful punch, show us how harsh and unforgiving the blizzard is. “Each footstep the King takes (or took, if you go with past tense) breaks through an icy crust.” Or “The King pulls his cloak tighter against the unforgiving wind.”

Your prologue does a nice job of showing us the former King and his solitude. Perhaps you could give us some context through the King’s thoughts? It’s very likely that he’d review the events that led to the collapse of his kingdom here, and surely he would think about his son’s future? Depending on what needs to be conveyed here, you have the perfect place for it.

The first two paragraphs of chapter two are a good example of ‘telling’ rather than ‘showing.’ There’s nothing wrong with ‘telling’ per se, it’s just that ‘showing’ better involves the reader and his emotions. I believe what you tell me about Trojus, but if you were to present a scene of, say, the annual hunt, at which Trojus excels—perhaps even besting the barbaric Akron--and after which he exchanges forbidden glances with Diana…then I get to discover that Trojus is Captain Awesome all by myself. Often when I am working on early drafts, all I’m doing is converting scenes with lots of telling into scenes which show my story. It’s quite common for early drafts to have too much telling.

The scene with the fortune teller is much crisper, as you allow the action to unfold through their words and actions. And I love that he was raised without any knowledge of his parentage.

Luckily for you, editors and agents are interested in great stories (and not so fortunate for me and The Hag). If your story remains this interesting all the way through, you have a winner on your hands.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

A YARG review-
I've read the prologue and the first chapter, so keep in mind my comments are limited to that part.
I think your sentences are a little long. Some places you have run-ons, and others the sentences sort of drag. I think shorter, snappy sentences would suit this kind of book better. The prologue was somewhat tedious, and had it been the first chapter, I would have stopped there. Showing some action as a destroyed city sinks would be great. Then maybe something to jump-start the first chapter? You could start with Trojus and Akron fighting, and then give some background. Instead of lots of description, maybe try using action and dialogue to form your characters' personalities, and mix in little bits of background throughout the chapter. There's nothing like a mysterious past to keep me reading!
I hope this helps you out! :)
All the best,
Noelle J. Alabaster "Dark Origins"

YARG- Book 1: The Immortal, The Story of Trojus

I usually just read the first chapter, but since this was an Author’s Note, I moved on to chapter 2. For the record, I found the Author Note to be a little burdensome and probably would have stopped reading there... just being honest. At least for Autho, I would consider taking it out. I think you will attract more readers, who aren’t from the crit groups. Just a thought though.

Your second chapter is a Prologue...I’m on to read your third chapter then! Oh nice touch, with the fall of Atlantis. I could use a little more description, especially scenery that is being passed you mention snowy lands and deserts, I would have liked to read more about this.
Skimmed through your third chapter, there is a lot of telling me what is going on but I would like more actions and characterization. The old show don’t tell, will make this really come alive for the reader. You literally tell us how tall your main character is, you could compare him to something that he is standing next to, etc. This would help set the stage for the surrounding and characterization. Just a thought. The general plot idea is great though. I’m looking forward to seeing how this will unfold! 5 stars from me!

Ashley
“Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket”

I’m not sure whether you need chapter one/Author’s note, but if you feel you really do, you might want to check out some of the punctuation: “…his son and heir, Bor…”, for example.

In the opening paragraph of the prologue there are a mighty lot of ands in the opening sentences. There are also some mixed tenses: King Aragon watched, mighty kingdom sinks, he shed, he carries, he said etc. You might also want to think about tightening this section up by removing some of the repetition. Much of the prose has an old world, epic feel about it, but words like “grabbed” drag me out of the zone rather violently. Plus “grabbed “ doesn’t seem like the movement of royalty, more like urchins after a cream cake.

Chapter three – the first actual chapter of the book also suffers from confused tenses.

A work of imagination, with potential in its field. I personally feel, though, that it still needs a fair bit of work doing on it.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

This story races along at a gallop. It has a real old-world story-telling feel to it, with its tales of battles and heroic warriors. I think it will appeal to a YA audience who would enjoy both the storyline and the way it spans millennia. It is told in a simple, easy-to-read and enjoyable style.

However, I do think it needs quite a bit of tidying up and editing. The most obvious things that need polishing are the punctuation and the tenses. It is missing a lot of commas, which would improve its flow, and the way it mixes past and present tenses, often in the same sentence, is quite distracting. This has been pointed out before, so I won’t labour it, just say that I agree with the others who have made this point.

There are some modern-day Americanisms which jar a little and break the old-world feel: “creeped him out”, “we are so screwed”, “gonna kill me, just do it already”, “shock and awe” a couple of times, “gonna”, “blew it”, “kids” and “Gee thanks”.

Also, some statements struck me as odd. One example: “In another life, this man was a king.” This is about King Aragon, who appears to be a king in *this* life. After Aragon has collapsed and died, he is discovered (dead) by Herenos and Lucy. We are told, however, that they promised to him *before he died* to take care of his son. Another example: “Trojus approaches an old withered tent on the horizon”. How?

The word “barely” is used too often, and I wouldn’t use “basically” when describing something.

Chief Lionel tells Trojus that he is “to be wed immediately”, yet the wedding doesn’t take place until spring.
In the last paragraph of Ch.1, Trojus falls into some freezing water. Where did that come from? What is this water (lake, river, ocean)?

Chapter Two starts with the information that the Ancient Greeks were descended from the Lion Tribe “which had died out during Prehistoric times”. The obvious question is, how can anyone have been descended from them if they had died out?

There were also quite a few typos, which I will send you separately in a message.

Thanks, I'll start fixing his as soon as possible, I appreciate the feedback

This story races along at a gallop. It has a real old-world story-telling feel to it, with its tales of battles and heroic warriors. I think it will appeal to a YA audience who would enjoy both the storyline and the way it spans millennia. It is told in a simple, easy-to-read and enjoyable style.

However, I do think it needs quite a bit of tidying up and editing. The most obvious things that need polishing are the punctuation and the tenses. It is missing a lot of commas, which would improve its flow, and the way it mixes past and present tenses, often in the same sentence, is quite distracting. This has been pointed out before, so I won’t labour it, just say that I agree with the others who have made this point.

There are some modern-day Americanisms which jar a little and break the old-world feel: “creeped him out”, “we are so screwed”, “gonna kill me, just do it already”, “shock and awe” a couple of times, “gonna”, “blew it”, “kids” and “Gee thanks”.

Also, some statements struck me as odd. One example: “In another life, this man was a king.” This is about King Aragon, who appears to be a king in *this* life. After Aragon has collapsed and died, he is discovered (dead) by Herenos and Lucy. We are told, however, that they promised to him *before he died* to take care of his son. Another example: “Trojus approaches an old withered tent on the horizon”. How?

The word “barely” is used too often, and I wouldn’t use “basically” when describing something.

Chief Lionel tells Trojus that he is “to be wed immediately”, yet the wedding doesn’t take place until spring.
In the last paragraph of Ch.1, Trojus falls into some freezing water. Where did that come from? What is this water (lake, river, ocean)?

Chapter Two starts with the information that the Ancient Greeks were descended from the Lion Tribe “which had died out during Prehistoric times”. The obvious question is, how can anyone have been descended from them if they had died out?

There were also quite a few typos, which I will send you separately in a message.

SF42

Hi Michael

I read most of chapter 1; but not all, since it is rather long. I like it, and can see a lot of promise in it. There are things that need changing though, in my opinion, before it can really shine. My notes:

If you are writing in present tense, then you can't say 'what is now Europe and Asia', because it isn't 'now' Europe and Asia, is it? You could say 'what will become Europe and Asia'.

'...no one is aware of (their) existence.'

'...lie in ruins during the time period this tale takes place.' I think this needs to be rewritten - it may just be me, but I don't like the story refering to itself.

You could do with having paragraphs in the prologue.

Halfway through the prologue you say that there are only tribes, yet you start it by saying 'few kingdoms', which suggest there are some.

Again, it's not 'now Greece' if you are writing in present tense. It becomes confusing, epecially when you then say something like 'which are now the ruins of former kingdoms' - this 'now' refering to the now you are writing in.

Chief Lionel leads his wife?

'son and heir' would make more sense, I think.

The king dying is rather abrupt.

I can't honestly say that I can take Chief 'Lionel' seriously.

If she is said to be the most beautiful, then it is not just to Trojus' mind.

'kids' doesn't seem to fit with the time.

'He became heartbroken and hoped for a heroic death.' This reads like a huge self-pitying overreaction. I think it needs a bit of elaboration.

'elephant-like'

The dialogue is fairly good and natural, but it reads like a mix of modern and old speech, which doesn't work. Even just saying 'completely ignored me' doesnt sound right at all.

She's in love with Trojus and yet laughs at him when he suggests they run away together. She hates Akron but doesnt really seem too bothered that she's to marry him and not Trojus.

It goes from present tense to past tense then back again. I think this is because you are describing what happened in the recent past, but then it changes back halfway through the 'scene'.

"I'm through playing around" is particularly out of place. It sounds very American. People of this time certainly would not have spoken like Americans.

'The two begin fighting. [...] ...as the two foes start fighting.' How many times do they start fighting? Also the sun setting doesn't add anything - it's something you'd add to a film script, not a novel. You need to word it differently if you want the reader to know the sun is setting.

'warriors surround him from his tribe.' First, that doesn't read too well anyway. Second, where else would the warriors be from?

"Come with me(,) Trojus," .... "is that correct(,) Trojus?"

I think you naturally write in past tense, because you keep slipping into it. I think the book would read better in past tense anyway. There is next to no description as it is, and past tense would almost force you to put some in. It would also be harder to skip through it in an almost-bullet point like way.

From here, I skipped through the rest, as it is a long chapter. You have Trojus attacking the Bear tribe warriors, and you just say that he did so, and move on by an hour or so. There is nothing compelling or personal about it. It reads more like a slightly more in-depth synopsis.

Overall, I think it is good and should do well. But it needs quite a bit of work. My main suggestions would be 1) break it into smaller chapters - only for authonomy; you don't have to actually shorten the chapters themselves. 2) Make it past tense. Possibly even first person if you want, as I think this is one of those rare books where that would work. 3) Go through and put in description - don't just skip through the story briefly mentioning things. 4) Rewrite the dialogue and be careful to make it sound realistic, not only in the sense of a real conversation, but of the words themselves.

I think then it would be very good. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

I apologize if the action and events seems kind of rushed for the first chapter, it had to be because I am literally condensing maybe several thousand years of history into this novel and the first chapter is made to be an introductory chapter which is basically just setting up the character of Trojus and the events surrounding his immortality, the subsequent chapters are a little more better paced and linger longer on the details.

SF42

Hi Michael

I read most of chapter 1; but not all, since it is rather long. I like it, and can see a lot of promise in it. There are things that need changing though, in my opinion, before it can really shine. My notes:

If you are writing in present tense, then you can't say 'what is now Europe and Asia', because it isn't 'now' Europe and Asia, is it? You could say 'what will become Europe and Asia'.

'...no one is aware of (their) existence.'

'...lie in ruins during the time period this tale takes place.' I think this needs to be rewritten - it may just be me, but I don't like the story refering to itself.

You could do with having paragraphs in the prologue.

Halfway through the prologue you say that there are only tribes, yet you start it by saying 'few kingdoms', which suggest there are some.

Again, it's not 'now Greece' if you are writing in present tense. It becomes confusing, epecially when you then say something like 'which are now the ruins of former kingdoms' - this 'now' refering to the now you are writing in.

Chief Lionel leads his wife?

'son and heir' would make more sense, I think.

The king dying is rather abrupt.

I can't honestly say that I can take Chief 'Lionel' seriously.

If she is said to be the most beautiful, then it is not just to Trojus' mind.

'kids' doesn't seem to fit with the time.

'He became heartbroken and hoped for a heroic death.' This reads like a huge self-pitying overreaction. I think it needs a bit of elaboration.

'elephant-like'

The dialogue is fairly good and natural, but it reads like a mix of modern and old speech, which doesn't work. Even just saying 'completely ignored me' doesnt sound right at all.

She's in love with Trojus and yet laughs at him when he suggests they run away together. She hates Akron but doesnt really seem too bothered that she's to marry him and not Trojus.

It goes from present tense to past tense then back again. I think this is because you are describing what happened in the recent past, but then it changes back halfway through the 'scene'.

"I'm through playing around" is particularly out of place. It sounds very American. People of this time certainly would not have spoken like Americans.

'The two begin fighting. [...] ...as the two foes start fighting.' How many times do they start fighting? Also the sun setting doesn't add anything - it's something you'd add to a film script, not a novel. You need to word it differently if you want the reader to know the sun is setting.

'warriors surround him from his tribe.' First, that doesn't read too well anyway. Second, where else would the warriors be from?

"Come with me(,) Trojus," .... "is that correct(,) Trojus?"

I think you naturally write in past tense, because you keep slipping into it. I think the book would read better in past tense anyway. There is next to no description as it is, and past tense would almost force you to put some in. It would also be harder to skip through it in an almost-bullet point like way.

From here, I skipped through the rest, as it is a long chapter. You have Trojus attacking the Bear tribe warriors, and you just say that he did so, and move on by an hour or so. There is nothing compelling or personal about it. It reads more like a slightly more in-depth synopsis.

Overall, I think it is good and should do well. But it needs quite a bit of work. My main suggestions would be 1) break it into smaller chapters - only for authonomy; you don't have to actually shorten the chapters themselves. 2) Make it past tense. Possibly even first person if you want, as I think this is one of those rare books where that would work. 3) Go through and put in description - don't just skip through the story briefly mentioning things. 4) Rewrite the dialogue and be careful to make it sound realistic, not only in the sense of a real conversation, but of the words themselves.

I think then it would be very good. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

The funny thing is that I originally wrote the entire book in a first person narrative and I do naturally write in the (past tense it's the historian in me I guess, I'm glad you picked up on that), but I felt that it narrowed the scope too far and took away from the surrounding events and overview of the book. So the first chapter is entirely in third person but the next chapters switch to a first person narrative style. I intentially and purposely wrote the dialogue as it was so that it would be easier to read and understand for my audience, which would explain why the phrases and dialogue sound surprisingly modern/american (technically the characters shouldn't even be speaking english, it is prehistoric Greece after all) Also I appreciate your comments about the wording and the dialogue it is actually the first meaningul critique I've gotten so far. I will attempt to adress some of the issues, and let me clarify some of the issues here. (The king dies rather abrupt because his death isn't as important to this book, the second book in the series adresses the issue further and puts everything from the "few kingdoms" to the dying king in perspective. Also Diana is not laughing at Trojus she is laughing at his idea because it is common knowledge that most of the kingdoms are in ruins and that the world is a dangerous place so she is laughing at the folly of his plan. Also Diana is marrying Akron because she really has no choice in the matter, her father is the Chief and his word is law and she must obey it. next Trojus is overreacting and that's the point, he is a teenager at this stage in the story and teenagers tend to overeact emotionally and I wanted the reader to see that, which you picked up on pretty quickly which means I conveyed it well. Also not all the kingdoms are gone, just the ones in Europe which iis why I used the term "few kingdoms" if you read further you will notice that Diana keeps talking about the Southern Continent and it is subtlely hinted that they may be lands and kingdoms further south, with that being said I shall change the dialogue a bit and the tense of some of the sentences and I am grateful for the review and worthwhile feedback, I will look at your book when I get a chance. Thank you

SF42

Hi Michael

I read most of chapter 1; but not all, since it is rather long. I like it, and can see a lot of promise in it. There are things that need changing though, in my opinion, before it can really shine. My notes:

If you are writing in present tense, then you can't say 'what is now Europe and Asia', because it isn't 'now' Europe and Asia, is it? You could say 'what will become Europe and Asia'.

'...no one is aware of (their) existence.'

'...lie in ruins during the time period this tale takes place.' I think this needs to be rewritten - it may just be me, but I don't like the story refering to itself.

You could do with having paragraphs in the prologue.

Halfway through the prologue you say that there are only tribes, yet you start it by saying 'few kingdoms', which suggest there are some.

Again, it's not 'now Greece' if you are writing in present tense. It becomes confusing, epecially when you then say something like 'which are now the ruins of former kingdoms' - this 'now' refering to the now you are writing in.

Chief Lionel leads his wife?

'son and heir' would make more sense, I think.

The king dying is rather abrupt.

I can't honestly say that I can take Chief 'Lionel' seriously.

If she is said to be the most beautiful, then it is not just to Trojus' mind.

'kids' doesn't seem to fit with the time.

'He became heartbroken and hoped for a heroic death.' This reads like a huge self-pitying overreaction. I think it needs a bit of elaboration.

'elephant-like'

The dialogue is fairly good and natural, but it reads like a mix of modern and old speech, which doesn't work. Even just saying 'completely ignored me' doesnt sound right at all.

She's in love with Trojus and yet laughs at him when he suggests they run away together. She hates Akron but doesnt really seem too bothered that she's to marry him and not Trojus.

It goes from present tense to past tense then back again. I think this is because you are describing what happened in the recent past, but then it changes back halfway through the 'scene'.

"I'm through playing around" is particularly out of place. It sounds very American. People of this time certainly would not have spoken like Americans.

'The two begin fighting. [...] ...as the two foes start fighting.' How many times do they start fighting? Also the sun setting doesn't add anything - it's something you'd add to a film script, not a novel. You need to word it differently if you want the reader to know the sun is setting.

'warriors surround him from his tribe.' First, that doesn't read too well anyway. Second, where else would the warriors be from?

"Come with me(,) Trojus," .... "is that correct(,) Trojus?"

I think you naturally write in past tense, because you keep slipping into it. I think the book would read better in past tense anyway. There is next to no description as it is, and past tense would almost force you to put some in. It would also be harder to skip through it in an almost-bullet point like way.

From here, I skipped through the rest, as it is a long chapter. You have Trojus attacking the Bear tribe warriors, and you just say that he did so, and move on by an hour or so. There is nothing compelling or personal about it. It reads more like a slightly more in-depth synopsis.

Overall, I think it is good and should do well. But it needs quite a bit of work. My main suggestions would be 1) break it into smaller chapters - only for authonomy; you don't have to actually shorten the chapters themselves. 2) Make it past tense. Possibly even first person if you want, as I think this is one of those rare books where that would work. 3) Go through and put in description - don't just skip through the story briefly mentioning things. 4) Rewrite the dialogue and be careful to make it sound realistic, not only in the sense of a real conversation, but of the words themselves.

I think then it would be very good. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

i enjoyed the opening chapter. You capture the storm well.
The only thing I will mention is to maybe break up your copy into paragraphs. It can read eve better when there is space.
Good luck!

I have taken your advice and broken up the book into paragraphs, I hope it is easier to read now. =)

i enjoyed the opening chapter. You capture the storm well.
The only thing I will mention is to maybe break up your copy into paragraphs. It can read eve better when there is space.
Good luck!

thanks, I'll keep that in mind

i enjoyed the opening chapter. You capture the storm well.
The only thing I will mention is to maybe break up your copy into paragraphs. It can read eve better when there is space.
Good luck!