Book Jacket

 

rank 4494
word count 60619
date submitted 08.10.2011
date updated 21.11.2011
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction, Scienc...
classification: moderate
complete

Book One: The Immortal: The Story of Trojus

Michael Hercules Moore

"He has the powers of a God but chose to be a Man" Warrior named Trojus in prehistoric times is "cursed" or "blessed" with immortality

 

The book is a fresh take on the story telling tradition following in the path of such books as the Iliad by Homer and the Once and Future King, its setting spans from pre-history to the battlefields of World War II.The protagonist is a noble warrior named Trojus, born to a pre-historic age of man, who has been “cursed” or “blessed” with immortality and its implications. Many readers will be able to identify with the struggles and relationships Trojus has over the centuries and how he must cope with his newfound state of existence as he tries to blend in with the many types of societies over the ages.The story offers new insight and a fresh unique take of many of the legendary heroes, myths, and historical figures we are familiar with, from the Greek Gods to the modern age of history, and will help to introduce many of these iconic and legendary figures to a new generation of readers who may not be familiar with them. Trojus must come to terms with his immortality and the responsibilities it demands as he engages in conflicts with other immortals who have motives of their own such as the Greek/Egyptian Gods.

 
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, action, adventure, age of nero, apollo, ares, billy the kid, bronze age, egypt, egyptian mythology, epic, gods, greek mythology, helen of troy, hero...

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Chapter Twenty Nine- D-Day Normandy Beach Invasion

In June of the year 1944, the United States Government sent me as support for the D-Day invasion. The President had said he would be at ease knowing a powerful man like me was looking out for the Allied Forces as they stormed the Normandy beach. I provided aerial support blasting the Nazi defenses. “Mein Gott!” yelled out a German soldier as he shot at me with machine gun fire, I lit him ablaze and pressed on. German panzers were approaching; I made them explode one after the other. I caused thunder strikes to hit several key locations.

The Germans ran in fear, allowing the Allies to press on for victory. After my mission, I returned back to the base. Sgt Bill Winters wanted to talk to me. “You did great today Trojus. Do you remember when you said we should kill Hitler?” Sgt Bill Winters asked. “Yeah I remember what of it?” I responded. “Well I got news from the President. He says that you have his permission to take out the bastard,” Sgt Bill Winters said.

I nodded. Just then, Sgt Bill Winters received a message. “Umm…there has been a change of plans Trojus. The President has just informed me that he wants you to hold off on that execution. Apparently, he has other plans for you. Roosevelt wants you to fly to the White House personally,” Sgt Bill Winters said. “Okay tell him, I will be there in an hour,” I responded. “Okay, will do, be quick,” he said. I left Athens at full speed for the United States flying at 140 mph, passing over the Atlantic Ocean towards the east coast of the United States. I arrived at the White House lawn soon after, and had guns pointed at me.

“Settle down, I am here to see the President. He sent for me,” I said. “Just hold right there Mister, I am sending someone to verify your story. I have never seen a man fly before. What are you?” one of the soldiers asked. “Trust me you don’t want to know,” I responded. The soldier sent someone to verify my story. A few minutes later Secret Service appeared and escorted me into the White House. The last time I was here, Abraham Lincoln was president I thought to myself.

I was led into the Oval Office and I came face to face with President Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Vice President Harry S. Truman. “Sit down, son,” President Roosevelt said. “Yes, sir,” I responded as I took a seat. “I understand your unique nature, I just could not believe it, and how old are you exactly Mr. Trojus?” President Roosevelt asked. “I honestly do not know, I have been around for over a thousand years,” I say. “Remarkable, my God, you are blessed son. I am just glad you are on our side. By the way, you are forgiven for what you and your doppelganger did to Manhattan, Nero used his science and knowledge to help us rebuild quickly. That Nero fellow, he would not happen to be that Roman Emperor?” he asked.

“Yes, one and the same,” I responded. President Roosevelt continued to ask me questions and I told him my entire history from the Lion Tribe to the present. He was amazed and eager to hear more. After a few hours, President Roosevelt grew serious. “Okay, now I need to tell you the reason why I have brought you here. As you know, we are fighting a war on several fronts and it is costly, and we deal with madmen like Adolf Hitler and Romulus, and I need your help. I understand that you wanted a position in the military instead of covert work, so I took the liberty of having these dog tags made for you. You will be stationed with one of our divisions, as our secret weapon on the battlefield. Your name will be Sgt Jonathan Troy, and you answer only to me, understood?” he said, throwing me the dog tags. “Yes, sir…but what about Sgt Bill Winters and his squad?” I asked.

“Do not worry; I already informed them of my decision. They were notified on your flight here. Your wife Diana will be joining you as a battlefield nurse, so you two will never be apart,” President Roosevelt said. “Thank you Mister President. I will not disappoint you sir,” I said. “I know you won’t Trojus, or Mr. Troy as you will now be called. Here take this communicator; it links directly to the White House radio. You notice anything on the battlefield, you notify me directly son,” he said. “Okay, will do Mister President,” I said, taking the communicator from his outstretched hand. As I left the White House, I was assigned a government handler named General Wilson Smith to escort me on my travel to the Allied base in Europe. I was stationed on a military base in Britain as I awaited instructions.

Diana soon joined me as my wife and battlefield nurse Diana Troy. The months went by slowly until one day when a group of German planes began to bomb the base. There were at least forty planes in the sky steadily bombing us, we could not get any of our planes off the ground, and the bombings were relentless. I turned on my communicator, <President Roosevelt, this is Troy checking in; we are getting heavily bombed out here. We cannot get any of our planes off the ground. Permission to engage the enemy sir?> I said into the communicator. <Affirmative, Troy Take out those enemy German planes> That is all I needed to hear, within minutes I hit the ground running at full speed, I usually have to reach 80 mph to produce enough speed for lift up.

After speeding up I jump into the air and fly towards the German bomber planes. I blast out the engines of several planes and smash the wings off the rest. The blue English sky is filled with fire and pieces of metal as the planes explode all around me. With a quick motion of my hand, volts of electricity launch at what is left of the German bomber planes, causing them to explode into pieces. My work here is done, the remaining German planes retreat, and I do not bother going after them. I land to the ground with an electric shock; my army uniform is now in tatters from the machine gun fire from the German planes.

<Mr. President, it is finished.> I say into the communicator. <Good job Troy…any casualties?> President Roosevelt asks. <Very few, all things considered.> I respond. <Very well, keep me posted Troy…Roosevelt over and out.> I head back to the camp, the soldiers are gathering their wits, some of them are still startled, and others are dumbfounded. “Did you just fly and fire electricity?” a soldier asks nervously.

Just then, General Smith, my government handler interrupts, “Ladies and gentlemen, meet our new secret weapon, Sgt Jonathan Troy, America’s protector. Some of you may remember him from the D-Day invasion. Others may remember that unfortunate incident in New York. Anyways rest easy, knowing that he is on our side,” General Smith says. “Thank you General. I know my presence may be unnerving to some of you, and that is understandable but I mean you no harm. I am here to protect the lives of Allied soldiers, just as I did today. I know it may take some time getting use to someone of my unique nature…an immortal…but I know you will warm up to me in time. I look forward to fighting alongside you brave soldiers. Thank you,” I say. The barracks cheer and the celebration begins. The mess hall is opened and we have a couple of drinks as we celebrate our victory over the German air force today. Diana approaches me, “You did well today Trojus,” she says. “Yeah…I did, didn’t I?” I respond grinning. General Smith comes to join us, “I see that husband and wife are getting along rather smoothly. Good job on the attack today Sgt Troy. You are a real American hero, son,” he says to me.

“No sir, the real heroes are the mortals, the ones without special abilities who fight for God, Duty, and Country. Those are the real American heroes,” I respond. General Smith pats me on the back, “You did well anyway son. It is an honor to fight beside you even if you are not one of us…mortals,” he says before leaving. “Trojus, why do you never take credit for your good deeds, you are way too modest,” Diana says. “Modesty is what keeps me in check. Someone with as much power as I have must always remain modest. If I were to be anything else, I would be no better than the others who use their power to claim Godhood or dominion over the mortals,” I say. Diana laughs, “That is why I like you Trojus. No matter how many centuries pass, you are still that same boy from the Lion Tribe who put the needs of others above his own. Can I ask you something Trojus?” she asks. “Sure, what is it Diana?” I respond.

“If you could do it all over again, turn back the clock would you have still chosen me as your wife?” she says. “Of course Diana, ever since the day I saw you, I loved you.” Diana smiles, and then she hugs me tightly. “You have no idea what that means to me Trojus. Until the end of time, I belong with you,” she says. “I believe I owe you a dance, Diana,” I say taking her hand. The night goes on, and the radio is playing, Diana and I dance. The music transports us to another place, to a time of greatness. From the prehistoric village of the Lion Tribe, to the grand palaces of Ancient Egypt to the vineyards of Ancient Sicily, to the Army ballroom and there is no one else but us and in that moment.

When I am with her, I can forget about the wars, the suffering and the battles won and lost. It is as if we are young teenagers again meeting for the first time, and I do not want this wonderful moment to end, but sadly, I know it must. So as the radio dies, so does our dance and we are transported to reality once again. The next day Diana and I are woken up by the sound of a horn. All the soldiers gather at the center of the base. General Smith is out front, ready to give orders.

“Today we head for Germany my friends. The time is at hand; Hitler’s Third Reich is numbered and weakened. We shall deliver that final blow and liberate Europe from the hands of that madman Nazi bastard!” The men cheer in unison, the planes are readied, the men grab their weapons and parachutes and we board the planes. Within that hour, we take off flying towards Germany. While on the plane, I am surrounded by young eager soldiers, one of them introduced himself. “My name is Benjamin Scott,” he says extending his hand towards me. I shake his hand, “The name is Sgt Jonathan Troy,” I respond.

“Mr. Troy, is it true what they say about Hitler?” Benjamin asks. “I do not know. What do they say about him?” I ask. “They say that he is not human, and that he murders people. There are rumors of death camps where he kills millions of people, and the bodies are never recovered,” PVT Benjamin Scott says. “I have not heard of the death camps, but I will not dismiss them either. I guess we will find out once we get there,” I say. I wonder how Diana is doing, medical personnel usually arrive after the soldiers are deployed, and she would most likely be a few days behind us. I look outside the plane; there is not much to see except clouds passing by.

I look at my watch, it is six o’ clock in the evening, and we have been flying for a few hours. A soldier is sitting across from me tightly gripping his rifle. “Why are you so nervous?” I ask him. He looks up, worry fills his eyes, “I have never been so far away from home before,” he says, his voice is shaking. “Do not worry, it will be alright, nothing to fear but fear itself as President Roosevelt put it. What is your name soldier?” I ask. “It…is…Franklin…PVT Franklin Seymour,” he says.

“Nice to meet you Franklin, I will not let anything happen to you or any other soldier in this unit, I promise soldier,” I say. “Here I will show you a secret,” I say producing a small spark of electricity, much like I did in that Gladiator arena so many centuries ago, when I had to comfort another group of people around his age. “How did you do that?” the young man asks, his fear subsiding. “It is my special power and that is what is going to keep us all safe down there in Hitler country,” I say. One of the pilots comes our way, “Okay boys grab your parachutes, we are right over Germany,” he says. The entire unit of soldiers grab their parachutes, except me, I will not be needing one. “Hey you there! Sgt Jonathan Troy, aren’t you gonna need one?” the pilot asks.

I smile, “Nah, I’ll manage,” I say as I jump out of the plane. I descend at a velocity of 360 mph heading towards the German countryside. I could feel my body temperature heating up as I descend so fast. I adjust for landing as I near the ground below. When I land it causes the earth to shake, and forms a massive crater in the German hillside. I sure do know how to make an entrance.

Suddenly I feel a bullet pierce my shoulder, the German army is here. I grab my rifle and start returning fire. I shoot one enemy between the eyes, the other I shoot in the heart. They bring out the tanks and heavy artillery. “Everybody fall back!” I say to the paratroopers. Everyone takes cover except for me; this is what I was made for.

I grab one of the German tanks and launch it into the air, and then I make it explode into pieces. Machine gun fire is raining heavy on me, hitting almost every vital organ in the process. The wounds are healing steadily as I keep going. I electrocute the machine gun operators and blow up their guns. Then the Germans do something unexpected, an army of German super soldiers have arrived on the battlefield. These guys are ten times more powerful than the German Super Nazi Wilhelm Friedrich.

There are thirty of them; I do not like these odds. They rush at me in full speed; I throw six grenades into the first wave of them, killing at least ten. The remainder of them then jumps over the grenades firing at me. I summon a lightning strike obliterating the rest of them, all except one. “Do you think zhat you can kill me so easily eh Amerikaner!” the super soldier bellows. He dashes around me wielding a hunting knife and stabs me in the side, I scream out in pain.

“Yes, scream for me Amerikaner!” he says. He knocks me in the air while firing a gun in my face. “Zhis is too easy!” he says approaching me, my healing abilities are overloaded; I am losing too much blood. “The fuehrer varned me about you immortal. He zold me to kill you on sight,” he says. I spit out blood, trying to get back on my feet. “Fuck you, Nazi scum,” I say.

He does not take this too well and knocks me in the jaw. “Zhat vas for my brother Wilhelm, zhat you killed immortal!” he says. His brother? Yes, that super Nazi that Johnny Thunder killed…I remember. “Ha-ha, that weakling was your brother,” I say trying to get him angrier. The super soldier’s face is now blood red, he grabs me by my neck and snaps it, I feel the bone shatter.

Next thing I know I am being lifted into the air, he raises me above his knee and cracks my spine over his knee, I let out a tremendous scream, I am paralyzed. “Zhere, zhat vas fun!” the super soldier exclaims. I am choking on my own blood, and I cannot move, my body is numb and I am paralyzed. “Come back here you bastard,” I manage to say. The super soldier turns around, “Still have some fight left in you. No matter, Arnold shall finish you off Amerikaner!” he says coming towards me. Suddenly I get the feeling back in my legs, my spine must be healed, and my neck is also fixed, apparently.

I struggle to stand, the super soldier Arnold is running towards at me at full speed, I pull out my hunting knife and wait for him to come close enough. Just when he is upon me, I move forward and shove my knife between his ribs and push upwards. Arnold gasps in pain, and he tries to grab my neck, but I step back removing the knife, then I shove it into one of his kidneys, followed by slashing his throat, he is done for. I motion for the troops to advance. Franklin and Benjamin appear at my side.

“Are you alright Mister?” Franklin asks. “Yeah, just need a moment to heal,” I respond. My neck was still sore, my spine hurt and I still had a few cracked ribs, but I will manage. We advance further into Germany. It was a cold October day when we arrived in the German town of Aachen. We were met with a small German army who immediately opened fire on us.

I heard a scream and turned to see Pvt. Franklin had been gunned down. I ran to his side but it was too late, he was already dead. The Germans threw mustard gas at us, we were ill prepared for that, some of us did not have gas masks. My lungs were burning, I could not see. The gas had blinded me. I fell to the ground clutching my chest, coughing uncontrollably. I looked up to find myself surrounded by German soldiers, their guns pointed at my face.

“Surrender Amerikaner!” one of them shouted. I was prepared to give up, until I heard the sound of gunfire and my would be capturers fell down dead. “Lucky I saved your ass Sergeant,” Benjamin said helping me to my feet. “Yeah thanks,” I said, my voice was raspy. We continued our firefight with the Germans until we finally captured the German town of Aachen. A few hours later, the medical unit arrived along with Diana.

We celebrated our victory and took a much-needed rest. Suddenly I got a message from President Roosevelt. <Troy, the Soviets need you in Poland, there is something you need to see> he said. <Roger that, I will fly to Poland soon> I responded. I approached Diana, “I need to fly out to Poland for some urgent objective. I will return soon,” I said embracing her. “Okay do not be long dear,” she responded, and with that, I flew into the air heading towards Poland.

 

Chapters

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AuroraNemesis wrote 475 days ago

Yarg Review
Strong beginning, with a good plot and pitch.
Brilliant narrative, flecked with golden dialogue and jewel encrusted description.
Fluent and lyrical, quick and staccato.
Good hooks to draw reader into next chapter.
Language convincing and characters too.
Time difference easy to believe and well researched.
Liked this a lot.
Well done.

AudreyB wrote 514 days ago

Hi, there, Hercules – this is your YARG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I have good news and bad news…I don’t read this genre much so I won’t be able to offer solid feedback on characterization or plot. On the other hand, I’m an English teacher so I can give you tons of feedback on grammar and usage.

You mix tenses in the prologue. “King Aragon watched as his once mighty kingdom sinks.” Review that whole first paragraph for a few more. I notice this because I struggle with it myself. But while it pops out at me in the writing of others, I never seem to notice it in my own.

Aragon sounds a bit overused to me. But I’m not a frequent reader of fantasy, so you would know best. It sounds an awful lot like Aragorn and Eragon.

You’ve got “continues on his journey” twice in close succession in the first paragraph and the second.

Consider revising some sentences to be more precise and meaningful. “The King marches through the darkness of the cold and extreme blizzard; and the blizzard is harsh and unforgiving.” You can simplify this by saying, “The King marches through the unforgiving darkness of the harsh blizzard.” To pack an even more powerful punch, show us how harsh and unforgiving the blizzard is. “Each footstep the King takes (or took, if you go with past tense) breaks through an icy crust.” Or “The King pulls his cloak tighter against the unforgiving wind.”

Your prologue does a nice job of showing us the former King and his solitude. Perhaps you could give us some context through the King’s thoughts? It’s very likely that he’d review the events that led to the collapse of his kingdom here, and surely he would think about his son’s future? Depending on what needs to be conveyed here, you have the perfect place for it.

The first two paragraphs of chapter two are a good example of ‘telling’ rather than ‘showing.’ There’s nothing wrong with ‘telling’ per se, it’s just that ‘showing’ better involves the reader and his emotions. I believe what you tell me about Trojus, but if you were to present a scene of, say, the annual hunt, at which Trojus excels—perhaps even besting the barbaric Akron--and after which he exchanges forbidden glances with Diana…then I get to discover that Trojus is Captain Awesome all by myself. Often when I am working on early drafts, all I’m doing is converting scenes with lots of telling into scenes which show my story. It’s quite common for early drafts to have too much telling.

The scene with the fortune teller is much crisper, as you allow the action to unfold through their words and actions. And I love that he was raised without any knowledge of his parentage.

Luckily for you, editors and agents are interested in great stories (and not so fortunate for me and The Hag). If your story remains this interesting all the way through, you have a winner on your hands.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Noelle J. Alabaster wrote 535 days ago

A YARG review-
I've read the prologue and the first chapter, so keep in mind my comments are limited to that part.
I think your sentences are a little long. Some places you have run-ons, and others the sentences sort of drag. I think shorter, snappy sentences would suit this kind of book better. The prologue was somewhat tedious, and had it been the first chapter, I would have stopped there. Showing some action as a destroyed city sinks would be great. Then maybe something to jump-start the first chapter? You could start with Trojus and Akron fighting, and then give some background. Instead of lots of description, maybe try using action and dialogue to form your characters' personalities, and mix in little bits of background throughout the chapter. There's nothing like a mysterious past to keep me reading!
I hope this helps you out! :)
All the best,
Noelle J. Alabaster "Dark Origins"

a.morrison712 wrote 550 days ago


YARG- Book 1: The Immortal, The Story of Trojus

I usually just read the first chapter, but since this was an Author’s Note, I moved on to chapter 2. For the record, I found the Author Note to be a little burdensome and probably would have stopped reading there... just being honest. At least for Autho, I would consider taking it out. I think you will attract more readers, who aren’t from the crit groups. Just a thought though.

Your second chapter is a Prologue...I’m on to read your third chapter then! Oh nice touch, with the fall of Atlantis. I could use a little more description, especially scenery that is being passed you mention snowy lands and deserts, I would have liked to read more about this.
Skimmed through your third chapter, there is a lot of telling me what is going on but I would like more actions and characterization. The old show don’t tell, will make this really come alive for the reader. You literally tell us how tall your main character is, you could compare him to something that he is standing next to, etc. This would help set the stage for the surrounding and characterization. Just a thought. The general plot idea is great though. I’m looking forward to seeing how this will unfold! 5 stars from me!

Ashley
“Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket”

J.S.Watts wrote 556 days ago

I’m not sure whether you need chapter one/Author’s note, but if you feel you really do, you might want to check out some of the punctuation: “…his son and heir, Bor…”, for example.

In the opening paragraph of the prologue there are a mighty lot of ands in the opening sentences. There are also some mixed tenses: King Aragon watched, mighty kingdom sinks, he shed, he carries, he said etc. You might also want to think about tightening this section up by removing some of the repetition. Much of the prose has an old world, epic feel about it, but words like “grabbed” drag me out of the zone rather violently. Plus “grabbed “ doesn’t seem like the movement of royalty, more like urchins after a cream cake.

Chapter three – the first actual chapter of the book also suffers from confused tenses.

A work of imagination, with potential in its field. I personally feel, though, that it still needs a fair bit of work doing on it.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

MichaelHerculesMoore wrote 557 days ago

This story races along at a gallop. It has a real old-world story-telling feel to it, with its tales of battles and heroic warriors. I think it will appeal to a YA audience who would enjoy both the storyline and the way it spans millennia. It is told in a simple, easy-to-read and enjoyable style.

However, I do think it needs quite a bit of tidying up and editing. The most obvious things that need polishing are the punctuation and the tenses. It is missing a lot of commas, which would improve its flow, and the way it mixes past and present tenses, often in the same sentence, is quite distracting. This has been pointed out before, so I won’t labour it, just say that I agree with the others who have made this point.

There are some modern-day Americanisms which jar a little and break the old-world feel: “creeped him out”, “we are so screwed”, “gonna kill me, just do it already”, “shock and awe” a couple of times, “gonna”, “blew it”, “kids” and “Gee thanks”.

Also, some statements struck me as odd. One example: “In another life, this man was a king.” This is about King Aragon, who appears to be a king in *this* life. After Aragon has collapsed and died, he is discovered (dead) by Herenos and Lucy. We are told, however, that they promised to him *before he died* to take care of his son. Another example: “Trojus approaches an old withered tent on the horizon”. How?

The word “barely” is used too often, and I wouldn’t use “basically” when describing something.

Chief Lionel tells Trojus that he is “to be wed immediately”, yet the wedding doesn’t take place until spring.
In the last paragraph of Ch.1, Trojus falls into some freezing water. Where did that come from? What is this water (lake, river, ocean)?

Chapter Two starts with the information that the Ancient Greeks were descended from the Lion Tribe “which had died out during Prehistoric times”. The obvious question is, how can anyone have been descended from them if they had died out?

There were also quite a few typos, which I will send you separately in a message.


Thanks, I'll start fixing his as soon as possible, I appreciate the feedback

Roman N Marek wrote 557 days ago

This story races along at a gallop. It has a real old-world story-telling feel to it, with its tales of battles and heroic warriors. I think it will appeal to a YA audience who would enjoy both the storyline and the way it spans millennia. It is told in a simple, easy-to-read and enjoyable style.

However, I do think it needs quite a bit of tidying up and editing. The most obvious things that need polishing are the punctuation and the tenses. It is missing a lot of commas, which would improve its flow, and the way it mixes past and present tenses, often in the same sentence, is quite distracting. This has been pointed out before, so I won’t labour it, just say that I agree with the others who have made this point.

There are some modern-day Americanisms which jar a little and break the old-world feel: “creeped him out”, “we are so screwed”, “gonna kill me, just do it already”, “shock and awe” a couple of times, “gonna”, “blew it”, “kids” and “Gee thanks”.

Also, some statements struck me as odd. One example: “In another life, this man was a king.” This is about King Aragon, who appears to be a king in *this* life. After Aragon has collapsed and died, he is discovered (dead) by Herenos and Lucy. We are told, however, that they promised to him *before he died* to take care of his son. Another example: “Trojus approaches an old withered tent on the horizon”. How?

The word “barely” is used too often, and I wouldn’t use “basically” when describing something.

Chief Lionel tells Trojus that he is “to be wed immediately”, yet the wedding doesn’t take place until spring.
In the last paragraph of Ch.1, Trojus falls into some freezing water. Where did that come from? What is this water (lake, river, ocean)?

Chapter Two starts with the information that the Ancient Greeks were descended from the Lion Tribe “which had died out during Prehistoric times”. The obvious question is, how can anyone have been descended from them if they had died out?

There were also quite a few typos, which I will send you separately in a message.

MichaelHerculesMoore wrote 564 days ago

SF42

Hi Michael

I read most of chapter 1; but not all, since it is rather long. I like it, and can see a lot of promise in it. There are things that need changing though, in my opinion, before it can really shine. My notes:

If you are writing in present tense, then you can't say 'what is now Europe and Asia', because it isn't 'now' Europe and Asia, is it? You could say 'what will become Europe and Asia'.

'...no one is aware of (their) existence.'

'...lie in ruins during the time period this tale takes place.' I think this needs to be rewritten - it may just be me, but I don't like the story refering to itself.

You could do with having paragraphs in the prologue.

Halfway through the prologue you say that there are only tribes, yet you start it by saying 'few kingdoms', which suggest there are some.

Again, it's not 'now Greece' if you are writing in present tense. It becomes confusing, epecially when you then say something like 'which are now the ruins of former kingdoms' - this 'now' refering to the now you are writing in.

Chief Lionel leads his wife?

'son and heir' would make more sense, I think.

The king dying is rather abrupt.

I can't honestly say that I can take Chief 'Lionel' seriously.

If she is said to be the most beautiful, then it is not just to Trojus' mind.

'kids' doesn't seem to fit with the time.

'He became heartbroken and hoped for a heroic death.' This reads like a huge self-pitying overreaction. I think it needs a bit of elaboration.

'elephant-like'

The dialogue is fairly good and natural, but it reads like a mix of modern and old speech, which doesn't work. Even just saying 'completely ignored me' doesnt sound right at all.

She's in love with Trojus and yet laughs at him when he suggests they run away together. She hates Akron but doesnt really seem too bothered that she's to marry him and not Trojus.

It goes from present tense to past tense then back again. I think this is because you are describing what happened in the recent past, but then it changes back halfway through the 'scene'.

"I'm through playing around" is particularly out of place. It sounds very American. People of this time certainly would not have spoken like Americans.

'The two begin fighting. [...] ...as the two foes start fighting.' How many times do they start fighting? Also the sun setting doesn't add anything - it's something you'd add to a film script, not a novel. You need to word it differently if you want the reader to know the sun is setting.

'warriors surround him from his tribe.' First, that doesn't read too well anyway. Second, where else would the warriors be from?

"Come with me(,) Trojus," .... "is that correct(,) Trojus?"

I think you naturally write in past tense, because you keep slipping into it. I think the book would read better in past tense anyway. There is next to no description as it is, and past tense would almost force you to put some in. It would also be harder to skip through it in an almost-bullet point like way.

From here, I skipped through the rest, as it is a long chapter. You have Trojus attacking the Bear tribe warriors, and you just say that he did so, and move on by an hour or so. There is nothing compelling or personal about it. It reads more like a slightly more in-depth synopsis.

Overall, I think it is good and should do well. But it needs quite a bit of work. My main suggestions would be 1) break it into smaller chapters - only for authonomy; you don't have to actually shorten the chapters themselves. 2) Make it past tense. Possibly even first person if you want, as I think this is one of those rare books where that would work. 3) Go through and put in description - don't just skip through the story briefly mentioning things. 4) Rewrite the dialogue and be careful to make it sound realistic, not only in the sense of a real conversation, but of the words themselves.

I think then it would be very good. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)



I apologize if the action and events seems kind of rushed for the first chapter, it had to be because I am literally condensing maybe several thousand years of history into this novel and the first chapter is made to be an introductory chapter which is basically just setting up the character of Trojus and the events surrounding his immortality, the subsequent chapters are a little more better paced and linger longer on the details.

MichaelHerculesMoore wrote 564 days ago

SF42

Hi Michael

I read most of chapter 1; but not all, since it is rather long. I like it, and can see a lot of promise in it. There are things that need changing though, in my opinion, before it can really shine. My notes:

If you are writing in present tense, then you can't say 'what is now Europe and Asia', because it isn't 'now' Europe and Asia, is it? You could say 'what will become Europe and Asia'.

'...no one is aware of (their) existence.'

'...lie in ruins during the time period this tale takes place.' I think this needs to be rewritten - it may just be me, but I don't like the story refering to itself.

You could do with having paragraphs in the prologue.

Halfway through the prologue you say that there are only tribes, yet you start it by saying 'few kingdoms', which suggest there are some.

Again, it's not 'now Greece' if you are writing in present tense. It becomes confusing, epecially when you then say something like 'which are now the ruins of former kingdoms' - this 'now' refering to the now you are writing in.

Chief Lionel leads his wife?

'son and heir' would make more sense, I think.

The king dying is rather abrupt.

I can't honestly say that I can take Chief 'Lionel' seriously.

If she is said to be the most beautiful, then it is not just to Trojus' mind.

'kids' doesn't seem to fit with the time.

'He became heartbroken and hoped for a heroic death.' This reads like a huge self-pitying overreaction. I think it needs a bit of elaboration.

'elephant-like'

The dialogue is fairly good and natural, but it reads like a mix of modern and old speech, which doesn't work. Even just saying 'completely ignored me' doesnt sound right at all.

She's in love with Trojus and yet laughs at him when he suggests they run away together. She hates Akron but doesnt really seem too bothered that she's to marry him and not Trojus.

It goes from present tense to past tense then back again. I think this is because you are describing what happened in the recent past, but then it changes back halfway through the 'scene'.

"I'm through playing around" is particularly out of place. It sounds very American. People of this time certainly would not have spoken like Americans.

'The two begin fighting. [...] ...as the two foes start fighting.' How many times do they start fighting? Also the sun setting doesn't add anything - it's something you'd add to a film script, not a novel. You need to word it differently if you want the reader to know the sun is setting.

'warriors surround him from his tribe.' First, that doesn't read too well anyway. Second, where else would the warriors be from?

"Come with me(,) Trojus," .... "is that correct(,) Trojus?"

I think you naturally write in past tense, because you keep slipping into it. I think the book would read better in past tense anyway. There is next to no description as it is, and past tense would almost force you to put some in. It would also be harder to skip through it in an almost-bullet point like way.

From here, I skipped through the rest, as it is a long chapter. You have Trojus attacking the Bear tribe warriors, and you just say that he did so, and move on by an hour or so. There is nothing compelling or personal about it. It reads more like a slightly more in-depth synopsis.

Overall, I think it is good and should do well. But it needs quite a bit of work. My main suggestions would be 1) break it into smaller chapters - only for authonomy; you don't have to actually shorten the chapters themselves. 2) Make it past tense. Possibly even first person if you want, as I think this is one of those rare books where that would work. 3) Go through and put in description - don't just skip through the story briefly mentioning things. 4) Rewrite the dialogue and be careful to make it sound realistic, not only in the sense of a real conversation, but of the words themselves.

I think then it would be very good. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)



The funny thing is that I originally wrote the entire book in a first person narrative and I do naturally write in the (past tense it's the historian in me I guess, I'm glad you picked up on that), but I felt that it narrowed the scope too far and took away from the surrounding events and overview of the book. So the first chapter is entirely in third person but the next chapters switch to a first person narrative style. I intentially and purposely wrote the dialogue as it was so that it would be easier to read and understand for my audience, which would explain why the phrases and dialogue sound surprisingly modern/american (technically the characters shouldn't even be speaking english, it is prehistoric Greece after all) Also I appreciate your comments about the wording and the dialogue it is actually the first meaningul critique I've gotten so far. I will attempt to adress some of the issues, and let me clarify some of the issues here. (The king dies rather abrupt because his death isn't as important to this book, the second book in the series adresses the issue further and puts everything from the "few kingdoms" to the dying king in perspective. Also Diana is not laughing at Trojus she is laughing at his idea because it is common knowledge that most of the kingdoms are in ruins and that the world is a dangerous place so she is laughing at the folly of his plan. Also Diana is marrying Akron because she really has no choice in the matter, her father is the Chief and his word is law and she must obey it. next Trojus is overreacting and that's the point, he is a teenager at this stage in the story and teenagers tend to overeact emotionally and I wanted the reader to see that, which you picked up on pretty quickly which means I conveyed it well. Also not all the kingdoms are gone, just the ones in Europe which iis why I used the term "few kingdoms" if you read further you will notice that Diana keeps talking about the Southern Continent and it is subtlely hinted that they may be lands and kingdoms further south, with that being said I shall change the dialogue a bit and the tense of some of the sentences and I am grateful for the review and worthwhile feedback, I will look at your book when I get a chance. Thank you

ShadowOfOsiris wrote 566 days ago

SF42

Hi Michael

I read most of chapter 1; but not all, since it is rather long. I like it, and can see a lot of promise in it. There are things that need changing though, in my opinion, before it can really shine. My notes:

If you are writing in present tense, then you can't say 'what is now Europe and Asia', because it isn't 'now' Europe and Asia, is it? You could say 'what will become Europe and Asia'.

'...no one is aware of (their) existence.'

'...lie in ruins during the time period this tale takes place.' I think this needs to be rewritten - it may just be me, but I don't like the story refering to itself.

You could do with having paragraphs in the prologue.

Halfway through the prologue you say that there are only tribes, yet you start it by saying 'few kingdoms', which suggest there are some.

Again, it's not 'now Greece' if you are writing in present tense. It becomes confusing, epecially when you then say something like 'which are now the ruins of former kingdoms' - this 'now' refering to the now you are writing in.

Chief Lionel leads his wife?

'son and heir' would make more sense, I think.

The king dying is rather abrupt.

I can't honestly say that I can take Chief 'Lionel' seriously.

If she is said to be the most beautiful, then it is not just to Trojus' mind.

'kids' doesn't seem to fit with the time.

'He became heartbroken and hoped for a heroic death.' This reads like a huge self-pitying overreaction. I think it needs a bit of elaboration.

'elephant-like'

The dialogue is fairly good and natural, but it reads like a mix of modern and old speech, which doesn't work. Even just saying 'completely ignored me' doesnt sound right at all.

She's in love with Trojus and yet laughs at him when he suggests they run away together. She hates Akron but doesnt really seem too bothered that she's to marry him and not Trojus.

It goes from present tense to past tense then back again. I think this is because you are describing what happened in the recent past, but then it changes back halfway through the 'scene'.

"I'm through playing around" is particularly out of place. It sounds very American. People of this time certainly would not have spoken like Americans.

'The two begin fighting. [...] ...as the two foes start fighting.' How many times do they start fighting? Also the sun setting doesn't add anything - it's something you'd add to a film script, not a novel. You need to word it differently if you want the reader to know the sun is setting.

'warriors surround him from his tribe.' First, that doesn't read too well anyway. Second, where else would the warriors be from?

"Come with me(,) Trojus," .... "is that correct(,) Trojus?"

I think you naturally write in past tense, because you keep slipping into it. I think the book would read better in past tense anyway. There is next to no description as it is, and past tense would almost force you to put some in. It would also be harder to skip through it in an almost-bullet point like way.

From here, I skipped through the rest, as it is a long chapter. You have Trojus attacking the Bear tribe warriors, and you just say that he did so, and move on by an hour or so. There is nothing compelling or personal about it. It reads more like a slightly more in-depth synopsis.

Overall, I think it is good and should do well. But it needs quite a bit of work. My main suggestions would be 1) break it into smaller chapters - only for authonomy; you don't have to actually shorten the chapters themselves. 2) Make it past tense. Possibly even first person if you want, as I think this is one of those rare books where that would work. 3) Go through and put in description - don't just skip through the story briefly mentioning things. 4) Rewrite the dialogue and be careful to make it sound realistic, not only in the sense of a real conversation, but of the words themselves.

I think then it would be very good. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

MichaelHerculesMoore wrote 579 days ago

i enjoyed the opening chapter. You capture the storm well.
The only thing I will mention is to maybe break up your copy into paragraphs. It can read eve better when there is space.
Good luck!


I have taken your advice and broken up the book into paragraphs, I hope it is easier to read now. =)

MichaelHerculesMoore wrote 591 days ago

i enjoyed the opening chapter. You capture the storm well.
The only thing I will mention is to maybe break up your copy into paragraphs. It can read eve better when there is space.
Good luck!

thanks, I'll keep that in mind

kelliewallace23 wrote 592 days ago

i enjoyed the opening chapter. You capture the storm well.
The only thing I will mention is to maybe break up your copy into paragraphs. It can read eve better when there is space.
Good luck!

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