The Saving Walls

Dear Susannah

This is a return read, from a while back. I apologise that it has taken me so long!

You have an interesting story here, with plausible and engaging characters. I am interested that it feels rather like "1984" with the sense of always being watched, and the overwhelming shabbiness of everything. I felt drawn to read on, if only because the scenarios you use sound so plausible.

Your writing is also very clean and it would not take much to polish it.

If I may make any suggestion, it is to edit hard, for repetition and consider varying your sentence structures. At the start, there were rather a lot of sentences that began with reference to the MC. It would be a relatively straightforward matter to turn this into an engaging read. I do hope you persist with it.

All the best.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

SF42 feedback

Hello Susanah,

You have a very descriptive writing quality that is very vivid and realistic. I was able to grasp the reality facing the characters very effectively. The scene where Callum discovers his dad was very sad and touching. The world you have crafted is also very unique; dystopian settings are often with facist or religiously zealous governments, not an environmentally friendly one like yours! (well, i guess now they are just corrupt with facist elements)

I think you could halve the size of your chapters since they usually contain two separate stories. Some of the scenes could be speeded up a bit, such as Rose's first day on the job or the sweet shop scene. You could probably gain a better pace like that.

With the current pacing, my opinion is that you risk putting off readers until reaching the juicier, revealing parts of the story, such as the revelation that Callum's dad was part of the UO. Or you could throw a couple treats in a bit earlier for the sake of curiosity.

I find that despite being a relatively early draft, there aren't that many syntax or spelling mistakes. Here's a few that I found

Chapter 1.
probably full of people like you taking jobs [for] people like me <- from
[it] only this test wasn’t over soon <- if
then turned to pour [a] mug of mahogany coloured

Chapter 2.
focussing -> focusing
and what did [he] dad have to -> either 'his dad' or just 'dad'
and he might as well have acted -> not a syntax error but I have trouble understanding this sentence. thrown out of what?

I am curious of where this is going. You've succeeded in getting me curious. Good luck!

Ed,
The Imperialists

I love the premise behind your novel. I think ours have a lot in common and you are off to a good start. Some comments.
- I think in the first chapter when you start talking about Rose that could be its own chapter. The first chapter seems to go on for a while. I say break it up a little.

- Give the reader a little more insight into what the surroundings look like, it was hard for me to get a feel of what the city was like. Are the buildings newer or older? Are there lots of trees/grass or is it mainly buildings with a few gardens around?

- one comment I got on my book was that there was a lot phantom settings in that you couldnt picture where your characters are physically when the action is taking place.

Overall I like it. I like government conspiracy novels too (obviously). Keep up the good work

Hi Susannah,
I've finally got round to reading Saving Walls.
I've read the first chapter, and although long, it worked as one complete chapter - an introductory chapter, if you will. It could be split into two, but I think it just comes down to your own personal preferance.
Your pitch was intriguing, but at the same time, quite generic. You could almost extend it and create a prologue out of it, while changing the pitch to include your main characters and the narrative that we'll be following.
I've found a few typos, but they've already been pointed out to you by ShadowOfOsiris, so no need for me to do so again.
You write clearly and well, your characters and the world came through in my head clearly. However, I feel that the first chapter was missing something, a hook almost; a major event to drag me into the story and make me want to read on.
Your work has definate potential and could be brill with some extra tweaks :) dystopian fiction readers will love this.
Thanks,
Jake ~ To Rise an Angel

The Saving Walls is a thought-provoking book and an adrenalin filled ride. After reading these chapters, the residue of the premise stayed with me for quite some time.

A Green Government run by a Minister (notice ‘Prime’ is missing) promises that things are better, a cleaner society. But there are eyes everywhere, watching, waiting. I can feel the fear and sense the oppression of a frightening regime—a corrupt government. The anniversary celebrations are quickly disrupted and gun fire fills the air. Seventeen year-old Callum finds his way down a side street, frightened and desperate to return to his sick father. But the sadness of his return is terrifying because Callum finds himself alone in a broken world.

Guilt-ridden Rose, appliance inspector, must fine a mother 900 Euros. Her life is hard, especially with the added strain of a family and the stares of those who disapprove of her job, a job too awful to contemplate and one that makes her edgy, uncomfortable. We can empathize with her at this point especially with the startled Mrs. Curtis and her three children. What I find remarkable about this chapter is how well the author fleshes out this sympathy — the ‘show’ rather than tell — to full advantage. It’s cleverly done without being over-done.

Chapter 2 takes us to the group who are intent on finding a flaw. A camera set up in an important living room is by far the most practical solution and they are bound to find out more than a girl having tea and reading books. This was exciting for me and I wanted more.


Callum must spend 14 Euros on some sweets in order to gauge the right response. This section alone is so mysterious, I was impatient to get answers. At this point, the characters introduced in the beginning sections and chapters start to mesh together. Callum is determined to join the UO, giving up a life he has grown accustomed to but a life he does not want. Great hook as we race to Rose who makes another visit— only this time it’s dangerous.

I really enjoyed these chapters. The writing is crisp and fast-paced, a highly rated read. With a little more editing (something we all do daily) it will be a very captivating piece. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

I think that your short and long pitch are a bit too generic. I was actually surprised when I started reading that there were people with names in your story. If your story is about real people - then your pitch should be about them too. Your characterization is great - you really made me care and feel for your characters. I think a better short and long pitch would draw more readers into your story. Your pitches are well written - as is your novel, but you do yourself a disservice I think, keeping it generic - as I was much more interested in the story once I actually started reading it - than I was when I only read the pitch.

I liked the dystopian society your created. It was real and interesting because the characters who live in it are real and interesting. Sometimes - more than a good concept - you need to have good characterization - characterization that feels realistic - and if your characters feel real - then we as readers are more likely to accompany them on any journey they choose to take us on. I felt that in reading your work.

I would definitely keep reading. Good stuff.

All the best with this,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

This is a good start to a novel. There are some things you could do to make it even better.

Don’t address the reader in the second person – “until you felt that even your thoughts weren’t private.” The reader isn’t a character in this story best I can tell.

I like the part with Callum. It’s a good introduction into the society. The part with Rose drags on a bit. Focus on the action that is central to the plot.

In chapter 2 when you introduce the rebels, I’d like to know more about their personal stories, their reasons for opposing the dictator and their sacrifices.

When Callum finds the note, it would be a nice touch if he remembers things his dad told him before that alluded to support for the opposition.

The opposition is too eager to accept him. Wouldn’t they be afraid he’s a spy?

Read your dialog out loud and make sure it sounds real.

You're headed in the right direction so I'll back it.

Best regards,

Brian Bandell
Mute

Great pitch, really pulled me in. Original story, will WL this for later :)

SF42

Hi Susannah

I've read all of chapter one (essentially two chapters, really). It is rather long, as you said. The writing puts across the situation well, and shows that this is somewhere I definitely don't want to be. My notes:

'...inflated statistics, they had heard it all before' - I think a semicolon would work better than the comma here

'...turned the world into(:)'

'half rotten,.' - comma needs deleting

'decapitated forest'? Is that what you meant, or did you put in the wrong word? 'Decimated', perhaps

'devastation wrecked by...' - again, I think this is the wrong word. 'Wreaked' I think you mean - I don't think devastation can be wrecked.

I want salt and vinegar crisps now :(

'thought back to (that) morning.' - 'back to morning' just doesn't sound right; as though a word is missing.

'"Dad?".' - full stop needs deleting

Where you have the asterisks is a good place to end chapter 1

'too(-)short sleeves'

'There was no where else she'd rather be'? - surely, she'd rather be ANYWHERE else? Also 'nowhere' is one word

'...Flat B.", she replied' - full stop needs deleting and the comma needs to be moved inside the speech marks

'The(y) had had to wait...'

'She really did() not want to do that.'

'...to give excuses: '...her children...' - that speech mark is not closed, and not necessary

'He(r) mum and sister and gran...'

'...hours later(, the) last family...'

'(If) only this test wasn't so soon.'

'...and chucked the(m) into the corner.'

'Claire stirred briskly...' - perhaps keep it to 'Mum' or 'her mum'

Lastly, '...a sudden hug [...] jumped at the sudden show...' - too soon to repeat. You also need to divide the mother's speech and hers into two paragraphs.

I'm guessing you are like me - typing quickly to get the ideas out as fast as possible, and thus making quite a lot of spelling mistakes. Nothing, really, that can't be easily fixed with an edit. As I said, you've put across this future England very well and made me hungry. It definitely does need cutting up into shorter chapters, but I'm not sure there's anything from the text itself that I would remove. All of the part with Rose serves to convey her frustration, and there's just nothing to cut out of the Callum part.

Anyway, this isn't much use beyond making sure you don't miss a few typos, but at least that's something. Good luck with it.

S42
So I'm a bit of a noobie at this myself, but here are my first impressions.
Okay so I was a little confused at first, when I read "glances from other waiters" in the first paragraph, and then the description of the gray uniform with name-tag. I immediately thought she was a waitress.
There are a number of grammar errors and really long paragraphs, but I already see progress in that area. Some of the sentences are a little clunky.
The first chapter is really long, almost two chapters are kind of squeezed in there. I only read to the first set of asterisks.
You could probably shorten the first part down quite a bit, without losing too much of the story. I hope my feedback helps. All the best!

The Saving Walls SF42

Your title and short pitch immediately reminded me of the Doris Lessing book ‘The Making of the Representative for Planet 8.’ Though I see of course that there is a very different intent here. I think the short pitch is a bit ambiguous. It’s not entirely clear what the walls will ‘hold back.’

Long pitch: this is not a pitch. It’s a prologue. Apart from the several proof editing errors I noticed it is too long and descriptive for the selling script that a pitch should be. If the action is largely after the walls’ construction then maybe consider using a corrected version of this pitch as a prologue to set your scene. Then you are free to write a short, sharp précis of it as your pitch.

C1: First impression – your paragraphs are too long. Use the notion that each one should express things related to one idea. Here in P1 you have Rose standing, catching a tram and then thinking about her situation: 332 words and possibly three separate notions or action types.

There are several minor language issues as well. For e.g. you repeat ‘her’ in the phrase ‘her, her hair’. You need to think of ways to avoid this sort of clumsiness, maybe by restructuring the sentence so the repetition becomes unnecessary. For example, we do not need to be told that the ‘glass roof’ is ‘above her’ do we? All roofs are always above us, except in very special circumstances. So you can cut that bit. Do you see? And you need also to get around simple pronoun repetition. There are twenty instances of the word ‘her’ in this one paragraph alone. Similarly you have echoes such as ‘too’ in ‘too-short’ (which I think should be a compound) and ‘too-narrow.’ Further on I began to notice run-on sentences here and there, which need attention. It took me a little while to grasp the ‘us and them’ concept you were using. Maybe try and make that explicit as early as possible.

The chapter 1 at 8000 odd words is way too long for such a piece. Again use the idea, on a larger scale obviously, of one main idea or action sequence or plot section as the rationale for a chapter. You really need top divide this one up and get ‘read-on’ hooks into the text at the end of each.
OK overall the beginnings of an interesting tale of a highly constrained future society reaping the bitter harvest of our profligacy.