Queen of Men

Queen of Men by J Nathan

What an eerie and alarming opening, the threat of killing an innocent child. Small nitpick – I wouldn’t start the first sentence with “It” – just rearrange the words and you’ll find a better start.

I’m a little curious, but I’m sure my confusion will be cleared up later – how on earth are there babies if no male children are allowed to live, or are enslaved by the queen, or hidden away? Interesting.

I do like the pondering of the mom and her obvious love for her children – I’m already nervous that one of them will be killed, and now there’s the additional threat of her losing her son.

The switch to the threat of Coryk is very abrupt – so where you have the pondering of the mother, there’s a huge shift is perspective and the emotion no longer matches the scene. Maybe a little bit of what she is thinking here – or some dialogue with her screaming that he can’t have her son. Equally, wouldn’t she be alarmed by the presence of the woman in blue – especially if she hadn’t seen her before. I have four boys (one who also had a very rough start in life), and in my head, as I’m reading this – my reactions are very different from that of the mother.

“The mother stood in place” – she might actually crouch with her children, hug them to her rather than just cover their eyes – to better protect them and hold them close.

I’m also confused as to why Marith would allow so many to die before producing the weapon that would kill Coryk. Unless, they didn’t really die. And are their bodies littered all over the ground – that would be quite a mess to clean up.

Oh – that Marith is EVIL!! Now I’m very upset. And surprised – nicely done!

This is a very good start to your novel, and if I had time, I would read further to see what develops next. Despite my nitpicks above, I really liked this. The writing is smooth, the dialogue believable and the characters jump to life right off the page.

Jenny

Hey hey hey. I started reading, and the starting is good.

Below are a few of my nitty gritty observations (ignore at your leisure)


Good opening line.

"...at the vial as the emerald color swirled about within it, bubbling wildly."
This is just me being super picky, but, I think this sentence would benefit from a little tweaking. For one thing, emerald *is* a color, so it would be good if you could swap the word "color" for another discription - liquid? gas? What is it? Could even go more specific, if the reader would understand. Other than that, what do you think of this version: "... at the vial as the emerald [something] swirled within, bubbling wildly"?

Ooh ... @ the appearance of the crimson, and what it means. I like this potion. Very cool.

Fourteen days of rain! I'm grumbling after three!

"In her heart, the mother had already begun preparing ..." Could that perhaps be changed to "*their* mother"? "the" mother just seems so distant. But, then this is written in Third Person Omniscient, isn't it? It's been so long since I've read anything in that POV!

I'm curious about Coryk's use of the word "savior" in: "He may have been the savior of our land in ages past ..." It's just, I'm thinking that Coryk wants to kill this boy. Why would he want to kill a potential saviour of *his* land? The boy might be a "savior" to Coryk's enemies, or some other people that he evidently disagrees with, but it just seems a little odd for him to refer to the child, in those cases, as a savior himself. Unless he meant "He may have been the savior of your people in ages past ..." Of course, perhaps I just need to keep reading to understand Coryk's phrasing there. But it has given me pause. I hope it is answered soon.


And back to positive for a truly delicious "critique sandwich". This opening introduces a good few questions that I want to know the answers to (good). Just who is this kid? What's he going to do? How is he going to do it? And will the final outcome be a freeing of all the men? Or is he more needed in some other land?

Unfortunately, the toddler is due to wake, and so my reading time has run out. I will endeavour to return and ask further questions ...

Good luck! This looks promising.

QUEEN OF MEN
This is a story with an interesting setting: a world totally ruled by women. Men are almost an after thought and certainly much lower on the scale of things than women. Having Princess Ondrielle ask so many questions about the state of men was a good way to build in back story; revealed a lot of information in an engaging way. I like the way, also, that you build in mystery by people’s actions such as, “she disappeared into the stone wall”. A good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi J
I am humbled that you thought my efforts are worth backing, I will read your work soon. I am wondering how much of my book you managed to read ?.
Thanks again and I wish you the best of luch with your work .
Ian "The Paladin Vampire"

Your writing style is very clear and easy to read, despite being of a genre I haven’t read much before joining the Club Grimoire forum. The first chapter brings about the main plot well. Chapters 2 and 3 may be character and scene building chapters. Don’t know yet if there are subplots that I need to be looking out for.

A couple of times you’ve put the present tense, ie, chap 3, “she cannot permit a moment’s relaxation…”

I’d like to return to read more when I have time.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://www.authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

Hi J; I didn't seem to want to put your book away until I finished it. It was a very good read and I am looking forward to the conclusion. My only comment is that, the names of the characters are unusual and some what hard to pronounce, no other suggestions.
I did read to completion, what has been written to date I am giving you four stars, most likely, more to come when finished. I definitely want to read the remainder and am putting it on my Book Shelve.

Wishing you the best; Henry E Allen----"Before the Beginning".

Nice story but kinda hard to read in spots. Some places I think there are unnecessary story line that could be omitted. A soldier swung at him, and the sword passed through the man,armor and all, as if he were not there at all. Maybe take out armor and all. When I read it, to me it seemed like the soldier cut the man in two. I figured it out soon after when he is holding the prism. This is just my opinion I'm not trying to bash your book.
I'm giving it 4 stars, good job.

There were a few awkward wordings, in my humble opinion:
"It had felt like an age..." I'd drop "had" as unneeded clutter.
"birds flew and chirped within the autumn air" felt clumsy to me. Partly because, where else would they be flying, and partly from the word "within" which sounds to me like being inside something. If you can tell us its autumn in another way, you could just say the birds flew about, chirping.
"his heart tread on" sounded weird, like his heart was mucking about in army boots. I'd try a different verb.
That's all for critiquing!

Wow, really good stuff! Stellar writing and story telling. You deliver great drama and action, and you establish a clear and appropriate tone. Six stars!
Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

good fantasy piece. engaging. good name selections.good pace. not my usual genre, but well done.
j
what every woman should know

Hi,
I've read the first three chapters and this ranks with the best of the fantasy I have read in the site. It is quite an easy read and although made up the names you have used are readable which makes a refreshing change.
With regards to changing POV with each chapter this doesn't trouble me at all and it allows you to paint your story on a broader canvas.
Overall the story is interesting and has some inventive touches such as the matriarchal society and ability to walk through stone demonstrated at the end of chapter 3.
I've a long watchlist and as such have no option but to restrict the amount of time I give to each read but were it not for this fact I would gladly read on.
Highly starred and I sincerely hope this does well on the site as the opening is stronger than a number of other, higher ranking, fantasy stories I have read.
Best wishes,
James

The pitch is great and the title is clever and original.
The first chapter is pacy and provides plenty of mysteries to make the reader want to read on. You have created a believable story world and there are some great descriptions. The formality of the dialogue works well, particularly in the court scenes.

One tiny change you might want to make is in the line beginning 'Most Queens', change 'other's to 'a few'
I read to the end of Chapter Three and was intrigued to find out more. Overall I found it exciting and very readable. Good luck with it.
Kirstie
The Girl who ran with the Wolves

very good fantasy novel. you write clearly, with flow and great pace...
l will back...
read SEASONS...

An intriguing, atmospheric read. The opening is intriguing and vivid, drawing the reader into the story. You've created an original fantasy world with some really interesting ideas. The action is well-described and very visual, and the dialogue is convincingly formal. The narrative style is assured and I couldn't find any stylistic errors. I really enjoyed the first chapter and I think you have a great start to an original fantasy story here - great stuff, highly starred!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

I've only had time to read the first four chapters, but I'm already intrigued. I like the subversion of the usual gender roles. The change in perspective in each chapter so far is a little confusing, but the plot is gripping enough that I am willing to keep reading regardless. I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

You have a distinctive style of writing and some outstanding imagery here. You've set the stage for intrigue well too, with questions : mandated registry of males, a boy with a hidden past, name and agenda, bubbling liquids in a vial, warriors who can disappear into stone... Great stuff. Scenes are vivid, and promise a complex plot. You've nailed the formal voice that works well for this type of tale too, although in places a bit of editing is needed so it doesn't come across as cliched or overdone. My main observation/suggestion involves your point of view characters. I'm almost finished reading what you have here and still feel some confusion about your MC at times and who I ought to be rooting for in the story. I feel as if some chapters take too long to identify who is telling this part of the story and how they fit into the plot. This could simply be my lack of focus in reading, and I'm hardly qualified to critique this genre. I'll look forward to coming back to your book to read more later.

Just read the first chapter and I really like the story idea. I like your writing style, it is interesting and very concise, no unnecessary filler words.