Book Jacket

 

rank 5890
word count 19341
date submitted 17.10.2011
date updated 01.08.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller
classification: universal
incomplete

Fusillade

Kris Mikelson

Derek, genius, RPI drop-out, stumbles onto a conspiracy of mass-murder that goes back as far as 80 decades, and reaches as high as the President.

 

Derek had spent most of his life hacking his way in AND out of his problems. But on September 7th at nine pm Dereks control over his world ended abruptly.

Rich powerful people did everything in a big way. Big boats, big houses. So if they were sick and sadistic murderers it only stands that they would do that in a big way as well.

What if the greatest legacy, along with your money and your preponderance for politics, you could leave your son was your deep unfaltering hatred of women. A hatred so strong, and with roots so deep, that it has not only lasted for almost a hundred years, it has grown. Grown and flourished, permeating the deepest most trusted sanctions of society. Only, until now, no one was ever aware that it existed.

 
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tags

action, adventure, conspiracy, fast paced, murder, suspense, thriller

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13 comments

 

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Chapters

12

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Chapter twelve

 

To Derek’s surprise the Detective did precisely what he had promised. When he was done typing he looked up at Derek, “Now all I need is some form of ID and you can be on your way.”

“Um, I don’t have any on me.” Derek said, relieved that it was over. His neck was getting sore from keeping his head down.

“No problem I can pull up your Drivers license on the computer.”

That would be fine, Derek thought with dread, except for our hair color and our height Sam and I don’t look anything alike. And besides that Sam doesn’t, didn’t, have a license. He only dreamed of and talked about driving cars. The truth was his mother never paid for his drivers ED classes and Sam couldn’t come up with the money on his own. ‘What’s the point?’ He had said when Derek asked him about it, ‘it’s not like we actually have a car. I’d have to pay for the lessons then come up with money for a car and insurance, what’s the point.’ 

“I, uh, don’t have one.” Derek said.

The detective stopped typing and looked up at Derek with annoyance.

“Well then we have a problem because I can’t release you without proper ID and I can’t cosign your statement without it either. Do you have anyone who can vouch for you? A family member? It has to be someone with proper ID.” His tone had changed from friendly to business like.

Derek’s palms started sweating again. Who could he call? No one who would attest to his name being Sam Benson that’s for sure. The detective started tapping his pencil on the desk making it harder for Derek to think. There was only one person who might be fallible enough to attest to Derek’s name being Sam.

“I have an uncle.” He blurted out.

“An uncle would be fine.” The detective looked relieved. He checked his watch. “Name?”

“Paul Benson.”

“Number?”

“Um, I’m not sure.”

“Where does he live?”

“Township.”

The Detective started typing on his computer again then looked at the screen and picked up his phone.

Derek held his breath. Sam’s uncle Paul hadn’t seen Sam since he was seven. That’s when Uncle Paul had started drinking. He and his sister, Sam’s mother, had a fight one Sunday afternoon and she kicked him out. Sam never said what the fight was about but since his mother drinks too Derek doubted it was about alcohol. Up until that day Paul had been Sam’s only Father figure. Sam talked about him a lot, me and Paul did this, me and Paul did that, but when Derek asked him about the day Paul left Sam would just clam up and get a sad look on his face. So Derek stopped asking.

The detective hung up the phone. “He said he’d be here as fast as he can. I used to know a cop named Paul Benson, worked out of Township, this wouldn’t by any chance be the same guy would it?”

“Yep, that’s my uncle.” Ex-cop, damn he had forgotten about that.

“Too bad the Cap’s not here I heard they went to the academy together. Were pretty tight back in the day.”

Sam had told him that Paul had left the force. About the same time he had started drinking and left Sam. He’d shot someone, the wrong someone, and then tried to cover it up. Someone else on the force helped him conceal the evidence but even after it had all come out Paul would never divulge who had helped him.

That was a long time ago, Derek told himself.

But Derek couldn’t shake the growing feeling that he’d just put a nail in his own coffin.


 

 

Chapters

12

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Diwrite wrote 569 days ago

Great opening and then races along at quite a lick.
The writing is effortless and clean - extremely easy to fall into.
Add to that, what seems to be an engaging thriller and you've got a real virtual page-turner.

Will star now and back as soon as there's room on my shelf.
I'm sure this will do very well.

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 599 days ago

As a reader I found this to be exactly what the reading public need. Crisp, clear and fast paced. The characters are fed in as needed instead of bogging down the action. Very little to criticise on the story front, well done. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how Mean is my Valley)

Lisa Scullard wrote 595 days ago

Awesome stuff - reads like a Hollywood action thriller.

If you do script it, there's a screenplay equivalent website to authonomy over at http://studios.amazon.com

See you there ;) Lisa

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 588 days ago

Wow, this is just fantastic. I only intended to read one chapter but I got to 3 and I am going to put it on my watchlist to come back to later because I want to know what happens next! I like the way you have built up the interaction between Derek and Sam so that you really feel for Derek when Sam is killed. I also love the way you end each chapter with a gripping one liner that just made me want to get to the next chapter. I can't see any reason why Fusillade won't get published. Well done!

Kim (Pain)

Jack Hughes wrote 585 days ago

A superb story Kris, very inventive and written with real style. On the w/l, shelved as soon as I get a space free. Best of luck,

Jack

Kris Mikelson wrote 567 days ago

Fusillade

I've read six chapters of this and feel I'm able to comment. Firstly Kris, I'm like you in that I read a lot and I like my fiction to grip me quite early on with story and not let me go. I think your MC has buckets of potential and the fast-paced beginning is certainly intriguing. With the pitch I would suggest you put in some white space and have a look at the last paragraph, that line which begins "What if the greatest legacy..." I tripped over that sentence several times, you might want to shorten it. Also, the paragraph before seems to have the wrong tenses, for international readers RPI didn't scan either, I'm from the UK and RPI means to me Retail Price Index, how we measure our inflation rate over here. Actually, I so liked your pitch, your idea, your enthusiasm and your desire for action that I took the liberty of re-writing your pitch, here goes, of course, ditch it if you want, hope you don't think I'm being too impertinent or anything.

Derek is a genius. And a drop-out. He's hacked his way in and out of most secure places on the planet, for him its a badge of honour, a challenge to his sense of superiority. But when he and his friend pay an electronic visit to the President of the United States Inbox that get much more than just a glimpse at his mail.

Within a few hours Derek's best friend Sam is dead while Derek himself is running for his life.

What if the President has a secret? And what if you just got in the way of the man's carefully executed plan?

Fusillade means a volley of gunfire. Derek's about to discover what it's like to be at the centre of the cross-hairs when the hired guns of the world's most powerful man turn on you.

Fusillade - Murder just became a matter of national security.

Of course, I probably got some plot-points wrong, but it just shows you how potentially interesting your idea might be. However, I think you need to work hard at the realism here, the motives driving the plot that the President is part of will need very carefully thinking through, murderous misogyny may not be enough to convince a viciously competitive thriller market-place at the conspiracy involving the President has enough of a complex motive.

My guess Kris is that this is an early draft and you are enthusiastically working through it. Keep up the good work, much passion here, but I do worry that in places it reads like you are writing about how you think things might go if that was to happen, rather than from a place of experience of security services, secrecy around the President etc and this market calls for crystal-clear realism. I wish you the very best of luck.

Andrew W
(Benevolence)

Hi. I checked up on what you wrote for Fusillade. If you google RPI you get Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute(the college mentioned in the story) The Email refers to 'shadow files' which may or may not work for the story--I haven't decided yet. The version you wrote sounds interesting but the story is about something completely different than the description you put down (although I appreciate the effort/input) You are correct in the fact that this is a first draft.



Andrew W. wrote 567 days ago

Fusillade

I've read six chapters of this and feel I'm able to comment. Firstly Kris, I'm like you in that I read a lot and I like my fiction to grip me quite early on with story and not let me go. I think your MC has buckets of potential and the fast-paced beginning is certainly intriguing. With the pitch I would suggest you put in some white space and have a look at the last paragraph, that line which begins "What if the greatest legacy..." I tripped over that sentence several times, you might want to shorten it. Also, the paragraph before seems to have the wrong tenses, for international readers RPI didn't scan either, I'm from the UK and RPI means to me Retail Price Index, how we measure our inflation rate over here. Actually, I so liked your pitch, your idea, your enthusiasm and your desire for action that I took the liberty of re-writing your pitch, here goes, of course, ditch it if you want, hope you don't think I'm being too impertinent or anything.

Derek is a genius. And a drop-out. He's hacked his way in and out of most secure places on the planet, for him its a badge of honour, a challenge to his sense of superiority. But when he and his friend pay an electronic visit to the President of the United States Inbox that get much more than just a glimpse at his mail.

Within a few hours Derek's best friend Sam is dead while Derek himself is running for his life.

What if the President has a secret? And what if you just got in the way of the man's carefully executed plan?

Fusillade means a volley of gunfire. Derek's about to discover what it's like to be at the centre of the cross-hairs when the hired guns of the world's most powerful man turn on you.

Fusillade - Murder just became a matter of national security.

Of course, I probably got some plot-points wrong, but it just shows you how potentially interesting your idea might be. However, I think you need to work hard at the realism here, the motives driving the plot that the President is part of will need very carefully thinking through, murderous misogyny may not be enough to convince a viciously competitive thriller market-place at the conspiracy involving the President has enough of a complex motive.

My guess Kris is that this is an early draft and you are enthusiastically working through it. Keep up the good work, much passion here, but I do worry that in places it reads like you are writing about how you think things might go if that was to happen, rather than from a place of experience of security services, secrecy around the President etc and this market calls for crystal-clear realism. I wish you the very best of luck.

Andrew W
(Benevolence)





Diwrite wrote 569 days ago

Great opening and then races along at quite a lick.
The writing is effortless and clean - extremely easy to fall into.
Add to that, what seems to be an engaging thriller and you've got a real virtual page-turner.

Will star now and back as soon as there's room on my shelf.
I'm sure this will do very well.

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

jsault2003 wrote 581 days ago

Your writing is crystal clear and the characters are fully developed through the five chapters I read. The dialogue gets a little gritty in a few places, but in my opinion, it gives the story a footing in reality.

The plot is developing in a gripping fashion that doesn’t cause your storyline to get bogged down. Although I would prefer a little more action, conflict hangs in the air and that is helping to drive the story forward.

I do have a few concerns:

From the way your story begins in Chapter 1, you take the risk of it being labeled politically incorrect, and that may cause some problems. Getting published is a political process because the economy of a person’s pocket is tied to their likes and dislikes. Publishers realize that if a book pisses people off or even makes them uncomfortable, they won’t buy it. There are exceptions to this rule. Good luck in trying to be one of them.

The story displays a great deal of emotional tension for the reader to grasp and relate to and that will go a long way in forming the emotional bond needed to hook readers. You handled this in an excellent manner.

Chapter 1, paragraph 20: oval office is capitalized.

A hint of conspiracy theory with the Treasure Twelve. Great touch.

But still (comma here) sometimes he thought…

He had never known his grandmother. (Correct as not being capitalized in this context, yet in the same paragraph, you capitalized it. Be consistent.)

Nice touch of suspense at the end of Chapter 1.

You could tighten the second sentence in Chapter 2 by writing it as… Derek had his computer set up in the basement for two of the three years that the building stood abandoned.

There is a noticeable change in the tense you’re writing in when you compare Chapter 1 to Chapter 2. Chapter 1 was better.

But no, in order to fulfill (not full fill) and …endured two years; all the while…

O.K. is spelled out as okay.

There are additional punctuation errors, but I’m sure you will locate and correct them during the line editing part of your revisions. I will move on.

Since you labeled your book as a thriller, Chapter 3 gives you the opportunity to give the reader more bang for the buck. I suggest letting once action sequence lead to another. You might consider having Derek spot the officer’s gold shield, then the men turning over Sam’s body. At the sight of Sam’s eviscerated face, Derek might let out an audible gasp before covering his mouth with his hand. Much too late as the men heard him and conclude there’s someone one else inside the building. This could lead to the three men chasing Derek through the building. Before the accident, set the scene as a series of connected buildings. Everyone is running through the darkened halls when the officer takes a shot at Derek and barely misses him. Derek uses his knowledge of the layout to escape.

By the end of Chapter 5 (actually, before then) I became convinced that this is going to be a great read. I’m backing this and putting it on my WL with a rating of four stars.

It is writers like you that I seek to get some input from on my work. If you have the time, I could appreciate a return read with comments and criticisms. If you see any grammar and punctuation errors, please feel free to bring them to my attention. I’m going to come back to yours.

Jsault2003, author of Battle against the Beast
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38506/battle-against-the-beast/read-book/#chapter

iandsmith wrote 582 days ago

Hi, Kris., This really cracks along. Superbly told. I was surprised Sam died in 4, but then I like surprises. Great stuff. Rated.

Jack Hughes wrote 585 days ago

A superb story Kris, very inventive and written with real style. On the w/l, shelved as soon as I get a space free. Best of luck,

Jack

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 588 days ago

Wow, this is just fantastic. I only intended to read one chapter but I got to 3 and I am going to put it on my watchlist to come back to later because I want to know what happens next! I like the way you have built up the interaction between Derek and Sam so that you really feel for Derek when Sam is killed. I also love the way you end each chapter with a gripping one liner that just made me want to get to the next chapter. I can't see any reason why Fusillade won't get published. Well done!

Kim (Pain)

Shepback wrote 593 days ago

Hi Kris,

I don't feel I'm qualified to critique any book never mind yours.
Suffice to say I like your storyline and your style of writing. It makes for easy reading.
I'm hooked and intrigued by what I've read so far.
Backed and starred.
Good luck with it.

Cheers
Willie (Missing)

Lj Trafford wrote 594 days ago

My thoughts as I was reading.
What I like about this is how quickly you set up Derek as a character, you do so through your use of dialogue primarily. Nicely done. I’m straight in. I’m interested in him, even if he is an arrogant eighteen year old you make him endearing enough for me to want to follow him. Plus you give him a talent in hacking, which bodes well for a thriller and opens up all kinds of possibilities.
You drop in the lines about the president, it almost seems too obvious to be true. Maybe it could be a little less obvious, just an observation that they share certain characteristics.
In chapter three, Derek seems awfully quick to think its gunfire, especially since you’ve noted that he doesn’t really know what it sounds like in the previous chapter. It could be a little more ambigious here, so Derek is scared because he doesn’t know what’s going on – all he knows is that he heard Sam scream perhaps? Just a suggestion.
Ooh nasty end to chapter 4. Good cliff hanger. I have to read on now.
This is building up nicely. What the hell has Derek been getting up to that makes them so keen to kill him. Oh I am definitely intrigued. Fast pace, just enough details, you don’t overwhelm us with info – you don’t need to, plot is everything here and so far I’m liking your plot a great deal. It is very filmic as others have commented.

Lisa Scullard wrote 595 days ago

Awesome stuff - reads like a Hollywood action thriller.

If you do script it, there's a screenplay equivalent website to authonomy over at http://studios.amazon.com

See you there ;) Lisa

Textual Ribbons wrote 598 days ago

I'm speechless. This is completely and utterly fantastic. I haven't read enough to give you constructive criticism, but so far what I've read really doesn't need criticizing. I don't read this genre very much, but Derek's story sucked me in and I've been thinking about it all day yesterday. This book deserves to shoot up the rankings.

Happily starred and backed.

Jasmine

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 599 days ago

As a reader I found this to be exactly what the reading public need. Crisp, clear and fast paced. The characters are fed in as needed instead of bogging down the action. Very little to criticise on the story front, well done. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how Mean is my Valley)

Terri_J wrote 611 days ago

BHCG review!

Hi Kris,

I like to comment as I go along, so I hope you'll forgive the slightly disjointed critique and the fact the positves and negatives are mixed up together.

Short pitch - If I'm being honest, I think this is a little long. I'd like something to grab me more. I'll read on and see if something comes to me. I haven't read enough to be able to offer an alternative - sorry)

Long Pitch - "Dereks" should read "Derek's". Interesting pitch though - makes me want to read on.

Chapter 1 - Great opener. "Derek, you're gonna get us fuckin' arrested." Like it!

"... daring someone to stop him. It didn't matter, they never did." I'd suggest breaking that sentence up into a new paragraph to add emphasis. eg.

"... daring someone to stop him.

It didn't matter; they never did."

The following para where you describe Sam is a little breathless. I'd suggest punctuating a bit more - again, to add emphasis.

"the guy was an asshole" Great - love it.

"So," Said Derek, "What do you want to know?". A couple of points here. The first is that it didn't quite flow from the previous para. I'd suggest saying "he said", rather than using his name. Also, the "Said" should be lower case eg. "said". Finally, the speech seems a bit stilted. I'd suggest something like "what d'ya wanna know?" Or even just "what d'you want to know?'

'We're eighteen dude, we're supposed to be disgusting" - again, great dialogue!

The para that begins "everything on the internet....." I think would be better put as dialogue. Have Derek explain it to Sam.

Suggest changing "this morning" to "that morning"

Not sure about "Sam's world was pretty involved and intense" - I realise that its meant to be a hook, but it just confused me, really. Maybe give a little more of a hint?

Good bit about "ten of thousands" - you've got my attention!

Not sure about the description of the Treasure Twelve. It's not quite DIFFERENT enough for my tastes. Already I'm thinking yeah, yeah, Rothschilds etc. Obviously they're integral to the plot, but you lost my attention a little. This is a pity because I love the idea that MAYBE Derek is the secret love child of the President and I want to read on. I wonder perhaps if you could make out that EVERYONE knows about the TT... yawn. What I mean is that Derek could be disparing that Sam doesn't know about it. That way, the reader will stay with Derek and remain on the same wave-length. Just a thought.

The para that begins "he'd been dodging her...." has a lot of "he" and "she" in it. Perhaps have a look at how you could vary the sentence structure?

The final section of chapter one seems a little too much of an information dump. It's not that I'm not interested in his mum, and how his grandmother died in presumably suspicious circumstances just that I think it needs a bit of an edit. How relevant to the plot is it that she's spent 15 years on her thesis? I don't know. I just wonder if there's scope for making it even more intriguing?

OK - eyes are going now! I hate reading on a screen :-(

Overall, I think you have good characters, and interesting premise and several good hooks. There's plenty here to like. I'd suggest some editing to really build the suspense and to intrigue us even more. I'll try and read some more when my eyes come back on-line! lol

Hope that helps!

Terri

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