How the Double Blade Was Forged II. the Sound of Snowfall

A RWCG Critique

Hi Bea,

I've read all 19 chapters posted. Overall I think you've created an interesting story in a fascinating world, and I think it fits in well with the YA market.

Title/Cover/Pitch:
I love the title. It fits perfectly with the style of the story. The cover is good, not fantastic, not bad. I wasn't a fan of the cover of the main entry, it felt antiquated to me. This one is better. Pitch is matter of fact. It's not bad, just could use some dazzle since the cover doesn't have it. Check out the cover of
Dragon's Oath (House of Night) by P.C. Cast.

Story Opening:
- The prologue is powerful. Great job here.
- I'm not generally a Sci-Fi/Fantasy reader so I'm not sure of the expectations of your reader, so I'll tell you how it see it from a romance story point of view...
- From chapter one of a romance story, I'm expecting an introduction to the MC, the love interest (the one he/she ultimately ends up with), some idea of why the two aren't already together (for example, they've just met, etc.), the story problem (and/or some indication of what is keeping the couple apart), and some kind of subplot setup or external-to-the-couple conflict that will distract one or both of them. Your story is different in so many ways. Chapter One is from the perspective of someone who is not in the couple, which would normally tell me that the story starts in the wrong place. And, if I hadn't read the book description, I would have assumed the romance to be between Chas and Iris, or possibly Chas and Lady Oriel.
- Chapter One gives me a brief introduction to the world, but doesn't give me any idea what the story problem might be. However, the prologue is done well enough that I have some idea.

Plot/Pacing:
No complaints here.
- Pacing is consistent and time passage is well marked.
- There wasn't anywhere in particular where my attention was broken.
- By the end of the 19 chapters I can clearly see the conflict setup for the rest of the story
- Story flowed well from scene to scene

Voice/Writing Style:
- It took a bit for me to get used to present tense, but by the end of chapter one I stopped noticing it.
- Voice is matter-of-fact but still flavoured by that of an engaging story-teller.
- writing style was clear, consistent, and easy to follow

Character:
- All of the main characters are well done and believable. I like that you've written in the POV of each of them. I've grown attached to Monk, Iris, Lady Oriel, and Chas. Travers reminds me a few people I've met over the years.
- Backstory placement is well done. I never felt overwhelmed by too much backstory at once. And I feel like I have all the information I need to understand the story to this point.
- All the character names were distinct and easy to read and keep straight.

Dialogue
- each character has a distinct voice and each is consistent with their personality.
- in most chapters there's a good balance of dialogue to narrative. However, in chapter two, in particular, I felt the writing was a bit too heavy on dialogue (which was the reason I switched to reading this story over the main entry. I needed the context of chapter one to figure out what was going on since there was very little narrative to tell me.)

Conflict
- world (or external-to-the-couple) conflict is set up well, though the reader only see undertones and small flashes of it at this point.
- I would have liked to see more emotional conflict from Iris and Monk. Why are they both still single, what's keeping them apart - they've met on a number of occasions, why is their attraction to one another obvious to everyone else but not the couple?

Setting
- Setting was fabulous. I have a clear picture of the story world in my head, yet never once felt bogged down by setting description.

Like I said earlier, I'm not in your target market, but I do hope there's something useful in here for you.

Best of luck with this story.

Marcie

Hello Bea:

I am impressed at your writing style. You incorporate wonderful descriptiveness, diction, and a strong vocabulary.

Only one critique in Chapter One: "Making waffles for breakfast, I suppose." If this was in the 16th century A.D. as we know it, were there waffles during that time?

Anyway-again, this is well-written.

Blessings to you and great success!

James

SF42

Hi Bea

I have read the first chapter, and I like it. It is very well written and described. I found very little to note, so I'll just get to it:

'...looks like his old man.' This is very very American and not at all the kind of language one expects from this kind of era. It is fantasy, of course, so entirely up to you, but I would suggest being more careful with your wording, to make sure that it sounds plausible for the time.

Paragraph 2 is very well described.

'...who's six foot eight, who...' - I think you can say this with the repetition.

Monk has a tail? I think this is thrown in a little too casually and will throw readers. Especially since it is aimed at YA.

'Chas (c)huckles'

That's all I came across. My main concern is that I cannot find anything that suggests YA to me. The MC cannot possibly be that young if he is grey and nearly bald, and a Captain. Usually in YA, the MC is around the same age as the reader. I'm sure that isn't entirely necessary, but I cannot see anything else that really distinguishes itself as YA. Some of the wording is quite complex, and I think it may be a little bit challenging for some - which is good, so long as the challenges don't come so thick and fast that hte reader loses the story.

My other concern is that I can't really see why this is tagged as sci fi. It appears to be solely fantasy. Perhaps I have just not read enough to see the sci fi; but so far it does seem as though you tagged it as such just to get some extra readers.

Anyway, as I said, it is very good. I will back it for a while. Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have a chance to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

THE SOUND OF SNOWFALL

a BHCG review

COVER:
I like it. I wish the font/title was better spaced but the image is interesting...good.
TITLE: Hm, this is a second book in a series? Must go look to see if your first is here? Hm, nope...wonder why you've posted this instead of the first in the series...not that it matters I guess.
SHORT PITCH: Its a bit on the dry side. I might reword with a Hollywood poster blurb as a focus. Draw folks in to want to read your Long pitch!
LONG PITCH: Reads like a beautiful pure scifi novel. It's a tad dry as well but not bad at all.
TEXT: Wow, this has the ring of someone who is steeped in Fantasy fiction. So far I can't really see the scifi but I'm sure its there. I wonder how long you've been writing. I wonder what kind of luck you've had when querying agents with your work? Have you? If not you should. I guess I feel somewhat inadequate to respond to this. Since this is BHCG I will say that I find you spend a bit too much time on descriptions...it slows everything down for me. but Possibly its perfect for the genre...which I'm not very clued into. yes, but personally I'm not all that interested in what everyone looks like. I really get bogged down when you go from Ambassador to the Lady to their attendants descriptions. It almost reads like you're looking at a World of Warcraft scene and describing each character...but again...it could all be fine...just my thoughts.
I've no doubts there are certain YA that love this kind of D&D style narrative.
Can't say I had any problems with your dialog.
Well, yes, best of luck with this Bea.
-=Bradley

YARG Review

Hello Bea,
Glad to know we're in the same crit groups together.

LOVES: the dialogue between Monk and Chas in Chapter 2, and the funny pov of Iris and dialogue in Ch. 3. L.O.U.V.R.E.S: "She can't keep her swords off me!" and "Leave my fuzzy nuts alone"

Improvements: Chapter 1 was a slow start but you picked up the pace rapidly starting from Chapter 2.

Overall: You have a solidly written story that seems to be aiming at the older YA crowd. It's good.

Alice

YARG review.
This is certainly more of a literary read for the Young Adult genre.
You have a lovely writing style. It is not easy to write in present tense yet you seem to do it with ease.
There were a lot of characters to keep up with in this first chapter and a lot of background information to work out the relationships. Might prove challenging for some young readers.
I love the way you write descriptions, beautifully done. I wish I could be so eloquent and economical with words. Usually metaphors annoy me, but I really loved reading yours. So clever, phrases like: moss creeping across his hunches... frozen moonlit clearing...
Nothing of note edit wise. This is a polished piece with all the trimmings. My only reservation is your intended audience, but I guess it will suit those with a more refined taste in the young adult market if that is who you are targeting. Personally I think it would suit the adult fantasy market just as well.
Well done,
Jacboa

Overall, I was charmed by the writing and had a definite feel for the characters: Chas, Iris and Monk. (Lady Oriel, however, remains an enigma to me.) I liked the gentle humor in the dialogue as the two lovers spar (much like Beatrice and Benedict), and was gripped by the action (murder attempt) in chapter 17.

I had no problem with the use of present tense and modern idioms: This is an alternate universe, after all. The use of short paragraphs and present tense reminded me of R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series, albeit with a much more extensive vocabulary and more adult viewpoint than Stine's. Yet, a feeling for Renaissance pomp was retained, especially in the use of poetry to send diplomatic signals.

I particularly liked this sentence from chapter 11: "That came out of his moth like a battered butterfly: frayed, lopsided and not altogether airborne."

The problem with this project, in terms of traditional publishing, is one of length and focus. Noting Scott Rhine's observation that fantasy publishers won't accept work from first-time authors that has a word count greater than 80-120K, I am concerned to see that book 2 alone has a word count of 38K, and this is a six-book project.

And since the action in book 2 is centered overwhelmingly on Iris and Monk, the brief changes of scene to the Austere Marble Empire in chaps. 7 and 13, and to the Ysant court in chap. 10, seemed almost to be distractions, although I'm sure that they are integral to the plot.

I became somewhat annoyed by chap. 14, when no less than six new characters surfaced: Batterly, Rorefin, Vengell, Secondo, Feznet, Sir Rosco. It seemed then that characters were cropping up in the manuscript like kudzu.

But I think the best advice is to let the author go her merry way for the moment, and to hope that she finishes her tale and then can face the arduous task of cutting and shaping while retaining her distinctive, entertaining literary voice.

This manuscript will have to be copy-edited, but that would best be undertaken after the entire work is written, edited for content and shaped. But one correction should be made immediately: In the descriptive blurb for the book, "renounded" should be changed to "renowned."

There were a couple of boners in chap.4:

** " . . . never really feels like it's his." This should instead be the less slangy "never really feels that it's his."
** "He keeps them preserved for whomever will be his successor" should be "He keeps them preserved for whoever will be his successor. (See Words Into Type, p. 361: "The relative pronoun is the subject of the following verb, not the object of the preceding preposition or verb; the whole relative clause is the object.")

Also, if Griss, the race of tigerlike beings, is to be a proper noun, then surely the plural, Grissti, should be one as well.

I agree with Scott Rhine that more descriptions of tigerlike Griss characteristics should be included, particularly for secondary Griss characters, both to distinguish them from humans and "for crazy," as he aptly puts it.

Hello, Bea
This is a BHCG review

Characters: You took the time to describe your characters' unique qualities to try to set them apart, but there were also several characters who were introduced in just this first chapter. That might be overwhelming to your readers.

Description: You also take the time to describe the setting and the costumes of your characters, helping your readers to be able to visualize the world you are seeking to create.

Dialogue: The dialogue also seems to fit the characters well. There is some tension between the soldiers and some rough exchanges there, and Lady Oriel comes across as very prim and proper. I was a little lost about what exactly was being subtly exchanged when she and Chas were quoting poems, but perhaps that was my fault.

Pacing: I wonder if you might want to add something to this chapter, to help peak your reader's interest. You give detailed descriptions and describe characters and strive to have realistic dialogue, but perhaps this chapter could have more of a pull to help draw your readers into your actual story and plot.

Text: I don't really think the present tense it the best to use for this type of novel. I struggle a lot with verb tense myself, but I think that because your novel is set in the past, the past tense might work best for this.

Thank you for sharing your work. If you have time, please check out my novel, Leave Me Asking. Best of luck with your work.

Jonie

BHCG Review
HOW THE DOUBLE BLADE WAS FORGED II
Bea B. Adams

In the all important very first paragraph there are three things that stopped me cold. You state this story takes place in the past in 1586. I doubt if anyone refers to their father or sire as "Old Man or Dad." Then there is the out of time expression of "Heartthrob". I would try to find other words that might be more in keeping with the timeline of the story. You write of your character, Charles as "Chas". I assume you mean it is short for Charles. Again, this seems more modern and I have no idea whether people were called by their names in that manner in the past. In spite of the fact that you call this Science Fiction and Fantasy, who is to say what your characters would or would not say in these instances? Possibly you have written this so well as to allow these very small variances in speech. When world building, I feel that you as the writer certainly has license to create a world of your liking. I just believe you can do better with the way your characters speak.

Aside from those issues the only other thing I would point out is to pay attention to staying in either the present tense or past tense. You do seem to go back and forth in those areas. You also could stand to run this through spellcheck. I saw some typos that should be corrected.

On the positive side, your prose is sometimes profound and just right on. When Lady Oriel speaks of the snow
" . . . - but what astonishes me the most, is the silence that comes with the snow. It is as if all those suspended snowflakes have devoured the sounds below us in the city." I know of that sensation of silence that comes with snow myself as I live in Colorado where we have an abundance of snow. It's a magical time when winter appears.

Your poems are lovely. All your writing is full of observations that sparkle, indeed. I am an avid fan of Fantasy and I think you have a good feel for the genre. I will be eager to see more of How The Double Blade Was Forged II. I think the title is really one that makes me want to read and find out the answer to that.

Best of luck.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

A BHCG review
Cat swordmen, human diplomats and the promise of romance and intrigue.
I could feel myself there from chapter 2 on. Watch for colloquialisms we wouldn't expect in a medieval setting.
example: heartthrob of the year - more modern idiom, not fantasy.

Plot/Pacing –
grissti used before defined
the tail was a big plot point. underline and circle it.
the first chapter felt slow and long. I think, because the main character didn't really care about anything except Monk's possible duel and the consort's veiled request.
If he's really as clever as he doesn't want anyone to know, there might be a few more sharp observations.
for example, an intelligence in the consort can be noted in ways other than the poem. He might remark on the fact that she reads at all.
Two was funny and well done. If you bring up her perfume, though, have Chas note in 1, and perhaps puzzle about it.
By four, you're cooking.

Characters/Characterization
all likeable and that's key.
I'd like more details about what is different between humans and grissti. I know this is part two, but...
people recognize Chas, but we don't really know who he is or what he does. I did get captain of the south till chapter 3.
Iris' name was a mouthful but I don't recall "Iris" ever being part of it.
Iris calls Monk fat repeatedly. There seems to be some cultural standard here, because no one else seems to think this.
why are the swords blackened?
reaction to splashing in the icy water?
you paint the pavilion well, but I'd mention fireplaces he saves money not lighting instead of just saying cold. Maid? cook?

Point of View/Voice + Style
Present tense is rare, usually told in past tense.
parentheticals overused
listening in to everyone's thoughts, but mostly a different person each chapter, takes getting used to. You still listen in on Chas a few times in 2.
Changing from Chas in 1 to Captain in 2 really threw me.
chapter 4 - "you can feel" is second person.

Sentence level – sent in mail

Dialogue
there may be a few cat idioms thrown in with the human ones for crazy.

Originality - I recall a Sci-Fi future genetic engineered cat called a Morethan, and Niven's warrior cat race. But this is the first time I've seen them in fantasy other than as weres.

Publishability -
Length can be an issue. Publishers are picky about this, about 80-120K for a first book. You will probably have to split this in half, especially if you want to go createspace.

Scott Rhine -- Houses of the Holy