The Crossings

Tracey,

I loved the story: enthralling, and strong in so many areas - teenage perceptions, characterisation, humour, the glorious world beyond the waterfall. Like the best 'children's' stories, 'The Crossings' is as appealing to an adult audience as it is to its target readership.

I have only one criticism: that I have to stop reading at the end of Chapter 5 - I am desperate to read the rest of the story.

Six Stars!

A strange, rather frightening fairy story that boys will probably enjoy as much as girls. For some reason I thought of 'Lord of The Rings' as I was reading it; It's very well written and has some lovely descriptive passages. A very good story. Backed with stars and on w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES -TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE

Your characters are very real and I love the story! It's exactly the sort of story I'd pick out to read. Your humor is refreshing and I ended up reading more than I intended. Backed with pleasure!

Hailey Graham and the Secrets of the Cobalt Eye

Jenny Micka

I've been doing everything possible to read this at work the past two days, but I think I've finally got a grasp on it after three chapters. This is one of the most professional and intriguing works I've found on the site. It wasn't too long after I started that I forgot I was reading something by an Autho-author on here and got lost in the story. I don't have any nitpicks because you've done a supreme job editing. Six stars.

CHIRG
T.N. really enjoyed all 5 chapters. i like the worlds and rules you have set up. This is the beginning of a sweeping epic of a tale.
Would suit young adult and upwards!
descriptions are vivid and dialougue realistic.
percy is big like a ja ja binks and golem cross but hey referencing is a good thing! :)

diane

CHIRG
First of all, I don't think it's children's - I think YA is the right genre. Especially with the sex ed talk etc. (My opinion)
You kept me reading and reading! I found your imagination wonderful and you have created a fantastic idea and plot. There are so many uncertainties in your story relating to friend / foe, good / bad, friendships with other characters and their motives.
This is a great read and I look forward to you putting more on here.
Mike.
Way Back To Devil's Mountain.

Wonderful writing! You really capture the issues of the heart that arise at this age. Your protagonist's voice is clear and convincing, and we empathize with him quickly. I think this should resonate with the age group. The tone and setting are handled well, and the storytelling overall is smooth and well put together.
Best of luck with this!
And if so inclined, do drop by and take a look at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

CHIRG Review

Tracey,
What an incredibly adoring story! I love it! I could not stop reading. Your story idea is very unique. I like the way you have Oliver paying for the crossing and how he swaps over into the other world. Your character names are perfect for the story. The way Aine changes colors are magnificent and vibrant. And ,Jennet, she is seductive but has the giggles of a teenager. There is still an innocent to Oliver . Can't wait to read more! Good luck!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

I loved the magic in this story, of a changling, enchanting. The characters are strong, believable and set in a strange but vivid world.
Only one nitpick in chapter 2 at the pool you write that Steve had never seen the many strange flowers that were there in the spring... shouldn't it be that he had never sen them in the human world?
Good luck with this
six stars
Cas
The Wind Maker

This was a very easy read, although I'd recommend it for YA rather than children. Not sure using the long pitch again in the story works, but the characters are likeable and there is sufficient mystery and 'differentness' about Goredell. I would like to know more about how Esso first came to 'cross' to Aine's world. Curious about the coins studded into the tree stump; wouldn't this be noticed by other people? in any case, I enjoyed it and will come to read more if you post more. The Bugge reminds me of the house elves in HP. :-)
btw, this is a CHIRG review.

YARG review:

I like the contrast you have between the ordinary world and the magical world; however, I do think you could include more hints in the first chapter about the direction the book is going in. The read world seemed almost too ordinary. However, Esso and Ella are believable teenage characters, and I see lots of potential for development here. The narrative voice is appropriate to the intended audience, and the dialogue is good. The descriptions of the other world are clear and vivid and I found myself intrigued about this mysterious fantasy world. A strong start, highly starred!

Emma

YARG swap

Hi, Tracey!
Sorry, it took me longer to get to this than I expected. I haven't had a free moment this week. :)

"The nearest city is about an hour away and the place is overrun with sheep." <----just for clarification, you are saying that the closest city has sheep, not that Malhamdale has too many sheep, correct?

"...is only one of the minor problems in my life." <---then the next paragraphs lists the second, so is living on the farm the first? If so maybe something like, "is the first minor problem in my life" would clarify this.

So does Steven smoke? Do his friends? Or is his mom just bugging out? The use of the term "hypocritical" makes me think her might, or at least he is aware that he does smell of smoke. This bit is a little confusing.

"...wity comment like 'Get stuffed Rosy,' or something along those lines" <----- I think a comma should be placed after 'like' and 'stuffed'. Also, 'or something along those lines' can be omitted. So, "...witty comment like[comma] 'get stuffed, Rosy,' but this time..."

ch 2
'Elly is good, you should reproduce with her' ------>I laughed just imagining his expression when she said this, Aine is awesome. :)

I like Steven/Esso, he is a likeable character and his voice is age appropriate. I can see a love triangle brewing! Rosy likes, Elly, Elly likes Esso and while Esso may not know it yet, I think he likes Elly back. ;)

Nice hook at the end of chapter 2. The description of the faery turned with is great!

I think you have something good here, it just needs a little tightening up. The transitions from one thought or scene to the next, is not smooth, it makes reading it very erratic, like it's jumping around too much. Once that's tightened up, I think this first chapter will shine! Keep up the good work! :D

Cheers!
~Della

The Crossings

This is a YARG review

I like your pitches, especially the long one. I think it’s strange to have the short pitch from Elly’s point of view rather than Steven’s. The first person works nicely, and Steven’s voice is well-pitched. I like the way he addresses the reader directly, and that the style is informal. “…which I will explain in a minute..” Nice, easy to read and likeable. He’s quite an old character to have in what seems to be a children’s book, and I’m not sure how well sex-ed sits with a mystical world which seems to be aimed at younger children.

Here are a few close criticisms, very fussy and ignorable if you choose.

Ch 1

“is only one of the minor problems…” Here, I haven’t been told that it’s number one on the list, so the later number two and three still leave me wondering what number one is. It isn’t helping out on the farm either, because that’s Steven’s one major problem, so must be on a different list. Then, later, he has another more major problem (the other world). But this still isn't is number one minor problem!

“Get stuffed Rosy.” needs a comma before Rosy. I like his nickname, that made me smile.

Steven has described the sheep as fluffy twice now. Maybe they could be wooly or something instead once?

“Elly had sent me some music…” Okay, I’m certain now that we are in modern times. But then I’m left wondering whether a fourteen year old would really be allowed time off school to help on his family’s farm.

“School had been a disaster…” This is a strange choice of tense. He has only just got on the bus! If you want to suggest a time lapse, I’d star it off or at least use “School was a disaster..” Then you describe the day anyway, so the time lapse doesn’t serve much of a purpose.

“that looked like balloons..” I think Steven would know what they were straightaway.

“and the class had detention..” How about “the whole class had..”?

Ch 2

There's a stray “I” on the end of “That was about five years ago.”

“pounded loudly..” Pounded quietly would be strange, so I’d say lose the “loudly” because it doesn’t add anything.

“and saying about the strange boy.” That doesn’t seem to be a complete phrase.

If it is such a problem for Steven, maybe he should just stop going?

I don’t understand the part starting “Aine had explained..” I’d thought Oliver was the family’s surname, and it isn’t the name of a tree. It’s the most popular UK baby boys’ first name anyway. So, she might as well call him the much less common “Steven” or, indeed, “Esso.” It’s not clear to me how it could protect him.

“I am not going to be responsible dragging you up…” There’s a word missing here, probably “for”.

I like the hook at the end of Chapter Two, which is as far as I read. I hope this review is helpful, you’ve got a good story here, with likeable characters and a nicely paced plot. Highly starred!

Lucy

YARG Review

Hi Tracey,
I've read your first two chapters and I found this to be a really fun read. This reminds me of "Bridge To Terabethia" only edgier and more upbeat. I found both Elly and Esso to be really believable characters. I think you've written their dialogue well. I found the comment Aine made on chapter 2 to Esso hilarious! I really liked the ending of chapter 2 as well. It made me want to keep on reading.

I didn't really find anything wrong with this, then again I am a horrible proofreader :D I did notice one tiny little thing though... I see a lot of authors that do this but when I do it, everyone tells me it's wrong. When a character says "Hi, Mum" or something like "Welcome home, Dad" Mum and Dad should always be capitalized as if it was a name of a person or place. However if you say something like "My mum left" then it could be left without capitalization. You can totally ignore this, Lol.

Six stars and the best of luck!

Hi, Tracey. I do have time for a reading swap! I'll more than likely get around to it on Friday. Looking forward to it! :D

YARG reading swap.
Hi Tracey,
There is lots to like here. A really authentic teenage first person narrative, unusual and well handled subject matter (e.g. the farm and nature elements).

Constructive crit (feel free to ignore completely):
I like the short pitch but the long pitch could be a little snappier, it's a big chunk of text which can be a bit offputting. Also if it's shorter it becomes more intriguing. More remains mysterious. At the moment it feels slightly repetitive.

I also thought your first line could do with a bit more "oomph". You need a really good hook here.

You have a lot of good ideas and this is very well written but the first person narrative had a tendency to wander around a bit too much. Perhaps more dialogue and action early on would get the pace moving quicker and plunge us into the story from the start. Remember you never need quite as much backstory as you think you do. Take out anything at all that isn't essential to the plot and you'll end up with a slightly tighter, pacier read.

5 stars from me,
All the best,
Sharda.

This is great. I've read all the chapters you have uploaded. I love the balance between the strange, attractive and dangerous faerie world and the everyday life of a lad in Yorkshire. Both worlds come over as real as 'shovelling much on the farm'. Is that Malham Cove he was so rude about? You have some brilliant descriptions of the faerie world. The evil witch figure is genuinely terrifying. The way you describe Oliver (I'm calling him that too) is clever, quite late on, the green eyes and curly hair sound strange and gorgeous but he's still got the spot to worry about. I like the attraction between him and the dryad and the creepy Jennet. 'Like being chatted up by an old person'; the horror! Like the bugge too, a kind of hyperactive soggy good soul. The complication of the human friend/ girl friend and family emotions is a great idea.
One thing I did think was could you get some hints of the other world into the first chapter. I felt it was a bit too ordinary and normal for the type of book you are writing and might put readers off, which would be a real shame.
Staying on my watchlist and a definite six stars.

I was intrigued by your brilliant pitch and thought I'd have a little read. I have read the first three chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them. I look forward to reading more soon.
I think your voice is perfect for the middle grade children's market and your subject matter (first relationships etc...) is an ideal choice too.
The way you describe the fairy world is great, with its dryads and other creatures, not all of them nice, it will appeal to boys as well as girls, especially with the male protagonist.
Haven't got a bad word to say about it in fact, so I have given it six stars and put it on my shelf.
Best of luck with it
Kirstie

I was intrigued by your brilliant pitch and thought I'd have a little read. I have read the first three chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them. I look forward to reading more soon.
I think your voice is perfect for the middle grade children's market and your subject matter (first relationships etc...) is an ideal choice too.
The way you describe the fairy world is great, with its dryads and other creatures, not all of them nice, it will appeal to boys as well as girls, especially with the male protagonist.
Haven't got a bad word to say about it in fact, so I have given it six stars and put it on my shelf.
Best of luck with it
Kirstie

I was intrigued by your brilliant pitch and thought I'd have a little read. I have read the first three chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them. I look forward to reading more soon.
I think your voice is perfect for the middle grade children's market and your subject matter (first relationships etc...) is an ideal choice too.
The way you describe the fairy world is great, with its dryads and other creatures, not all of them nice, it will appeal to boys as well as girls, especially with the male protagonist.
Haven't got a bad word to say about it in fact, so I have given it six stars and put it on my shelf.
Best of luck with it
Kirstie

This is a fine tale, quickly engrossing and very imaginative. I think the concept should really be a hit with middle readers. I think the issues surrounding sexuality that are raised by the story should really grab them. Best of luck with this!
-- Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Tracey,

What a wonderful story, really originial and creative. I love the idea of the cave behind the waterfall. I think all kids dream of finding that cave (I know I did). Chapter two really hooked me. You have some great characters, I really like Esso (great nickname), I think kids will really enjoy the fantascy you created here.

I've only read through chapter three, but I look forward to reading more over the weekend.

Cody

Tracey,

What a wonderful story, really originial and creative. I love the idea of the cave behind the waterfall. I think all kids dream of finding that cave (I know I did). Chapter two really hooked me. You have some great characters, I really like Esso (great nickname), I think kids will really enjoy the fantascy you created here.

I've only read through chapter three, but I look forward to reading more over the weekend.

Cody

Hi...

I have read the first two chapters, usually I would read one, then comment and then read the next etc. etc.

First off, I like it so far, more the second chapter than the first. I would like to make a suggestion, it may sound strange, but, I would say, take chapter 1 away and use chapter 2 as the start, changing the start of it slightly. Then find another place to use some of chapter 1's information. Hope that doesn't offend you in any way as it certainly isn't meant to.

All in all I like it so far and look forward to reading more of it.

Stephen

Oh wow! This is some amazing work right here. You can tell you've done your research into the various creatures of other worlds and you've added your own unique twists to them to bring them to life. Very funny, too, you've captured the heart and soul of teenage books intermingled with fantasy. I love it, six stars.

RK Summers
The Albion Pages

I love how unique this is, it has a classic feel to it. Instantly I was taken to this world and didn't really want to leave. This felt like something written as much for the young boys/teen boys as much as anyone. This is something they can dream about at night. The only thing I might have liked to see more of was backstory. I mean, it works just fine as it is, especially for this audience but I found myself wanting to know more. I guess if all else, that's a good sign of your storytelling. I think this deserves a shot out there in the 'real world', it stands apart from many of the other things out there. Very different and I enjoyed it. I'll absolutely back it when I can!

Stars for now
Missy

I love how unique this is, it has a classic feel to it. Instantly I was taken to this world and didn't really want to leave. This felt like something written as much for the young boys/teen boys as much as anyone. This is something they can dream about at night. The only thing I might have liked to see more of was backstory. I mean, it works just fine as it is, especially for this audience but I found myself wanting to know more. I guess if all else, that's a good sign of your storytelling. I think this deserves a shot out there in the 'real world', it stands apart from many of the other things out there. Very different and I enjoyed it. I'll absolutely back it when I can!

Stars for now
Missy

The Dragon Flies

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on The Crossing. I am sure it will help me draft a better book.

I wanted to explain a couple of things. Firstly, you mention that you do no understand why 'the money remains there if there are so many people visiting that place'. The place exists in Yorkshire and there is a trunk studded with money close to Jennet's Fosse, in Malham, a place where a local faery was believed to have lived...maybe I shouldn't be advertising this as we will have hordes of thieves descending on the spot.

Percy doesn't see that he is human because 'Most faeries were fooled by the powerful glamour that Aine cast over me while I was with her. ' I see that I need to explain this more fully and need to strengthen the whole idea.

I had removed a lot of the description about Goredell because I asked a number of children to read the book and many of them said that they wanted more action and less description. I will look at this though as it would be quite easy to put back some of the description.

I really do appreciate the time you took and value the comments. I will be spending my weekend on beginning the redraft of the second chapter.

Tracey

[The Crossing]
You start with a list of minor problems. there were so many of them I started to worry that there wouldn't be any major ones. But sure enough, it came along.

You picture Esso's day-to-day situation pretty well. There is a lot of humor in his thoughts, too. Especially with what happened in school during sex education.

That first chapter ends in confusion and that's a compliment. We feel the way Esso probably feels. Well done.

And then there finally is the explanation of the Big Problem. I can see why you call everything else minor, indeed. I just don't understand (yet) why he has to pay for the crossing (and why the money remains there if there are so many people visiting that place), but I'm sure it will be explained, eventually.

In the second half of this chapter, things become confusing. Okay, I understand we don't yet know why Esso came. But I do feel he has come before - on more than one occasion. So he knows this other world.

Also, Aine knows when he arrives. Wouldn't it be logical she would know it as well if he didn't return? Also, if he has been there before - even though he never ventured very far - he should know of some of the dangers. He has seen others, that much is clear.

Why Percy doesn't see he can't be a dryad, is beyond me as well. Surely he knows how Dryads should look - and that this one isn't one of them (he had to stay close to Aine to make it look like he was a Dryad. He isn't close to her now, so even Percy should know how he isn't a Dryad.) It was not really believable that Percy didn't know he wasn't one. After all, Percy would have seen a Dryad before, I would think.

I like your first chapter very much. And the second until Esso enters that strange world. Here you kind of lose me because I have the feeling you haven't really pictured this whole new world into your minds eye. Create it in little details - in stuff Esso already knows about this world, about the things he sees around him. Every oak, even though I know how it looks like, surely must have something very specific to make it stand out from any other oak, to give you an example. Make Goredell a living place, one with as much body as your real world surrounding has.

By the end of chapter 3 I'm really wondering how come a human child is not recognized. You really have to build this new world and I'm sure you can, as well.

Thanks for reading and reviewing my story. I haven't yet had the chance to thank you. Good luck with it.

Hi Tracey, thank you so much for your comments and advice on Glendale Girls and The Seven Daughters of I'sha. Really appreciated.

Regards The Crossing. Very well written and I like the subject. I would have liked to have a bit of background as to how he and Aine came to be friends before being introduced to her and the world she came from.
Looking forward to finding out what becomes of him. He puts me in mind of Eragon series, and that's one of my favourites.
Good luck.

Hi Tracey

I've just read the first two chapters & part of the third and I must say it's an excellent story! It's well written, exciting and an original idea.

I think it may appeal to young teenagers who don't read too much, (my own kids when fourteen would have found it a bit too childish despite the subject matter, let's put it this way my son at twelve was reading Leane Hearns' 'Across the Nightingale Floor' , which is a bit much for some adults!).

Once suggestion though, it maybe worthwhile to go through it again and use abbreviations more often so that it sounds more like a kids' actual words, i.e 'I've' instead of 'I have' etc, you get the idea.

Anyway well done, I'm sure it'll be picked up by someone someday soon.
All the best

Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

Is this the book you were talking about when I was in your Drama class a few years ago? If so, it is amazing to finally read it! I love it, I could imagine what it is like and think that kids would love it! Will have to get mum to read it, because im sure she will love it with its faeries!
Amy

Tracey,

I loved the story: enthralling, and strong in so many areas - teenage perceptions, characterisation, humour, the glorious world beyond the waterfall. Like the best 'children's' stories, 'The Crossings' is as appealing to an adult audience as it is to its target readership.

I have only one criticism: that I have to stop reading at the end of Chapter 5 - I am desperate to read the rest of the story.

Six Stars!

Hi Tracey,

I loved the wit and the pace of the opening. It evoked lovely images of faeries in north Yorkshire.

David

Hi,

I decided to make a few comments on chapter one now instead of waiting to read more, because the chapter is still fresh in my mind.

Your writing is very clean. I didn't notice any obvious errors and the chapter reads smoothly. Nice start!

I did notice that certain words are repeated a lot in the chapter, like “problem” or “major problem”, which I found became a little tedious and repetitive. Also in paragraphs 7 and 9, you allude to a “major problem” and the difficulty the MC has talking about it. Since the paragraphs are so similar and so close together they seem redundant. Perhaps to correct this, you could condense the two into one paragraph.

I think, though, the biggest concern I have is the fact that I got to the end of the chapter and had no idea why I was reading the book. You did a nice job of describing the relationships between the MC and his friends, we were treated to a funny (and unfortunate) sex ed. scene, and got some background information on the MC and his family. But still, there were only a few slight references to the central plot of the book. I think you might consider dropping a few more hints or stronger hooks in order to entice the reader to keep reading. Perhaps the MC could attempt to describe what his problem is but be interrupted before he could finish (which would be a nice tease to the reader) or perhaps something “off” in the environment could allude to the bigger picture. At least then, we would have a stronger motivation to keep turning the pages.

Also, I find the MC might need a little more depth. He tells us a lot of what is going on, so the reader gets a good picture of his situation. But he still seems a little flat as a character. I only mention this because often on authonomy, readers will commit to reading the first 2 or 3 chapters before moving on to the next book. So they might not stick around long enough to really connect with the MC. Creating a connection with your MC right from chapter one might help you keep more readers and encourage them to read more of the story.

Nice job so far. I am looking forward to reading more over the weekend.

Dyane

A strange, rather frightening fairy story that boys will probably enjoy as much as girls. For some reason I thought of 'Lord of The Rings' as I was reading it; It's very well written and has some lovely descriptive passages. A very good story. Backed with stars and on w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES -TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE

Your characters are very real and I love the story! It's exactly the sort of story I'd pick out to read. Your humor is refreshing and I ended up reading more than I intended. Backed with pleasure!

Hailey Graham and the Secrets of the Cobalt Eye

Jenny Micka

Dear Tracy
I've begun first few chapters. Excellent setting and lead protagonist (you). In terms of the rhythm of your writing, the short snappy paragraphs are a useful way of conveying ideas, but after a page become too predictable. Why not vary them, taking time to unpick some ideas a bit more. Food for thought. Clive
P.S. If you get a moment have a gander at ‘Iris’ - astronomy, Earth, a sadistic council worker and a child’s slide. From London to L.A. and onto Cairo, it’s a globetrotting romp.

Hi,
This is an enchanting story. I enjoyed the three chapters I read.
Its very well written. I like the contrast between the human and faery world.
It was a very tender moment when Oliver kissed Aine.
On the editing side, there were a few overly used 'that' and 'had' which could be cropped.
Also in this sentence you have an extra away from: ...she moved away from me with a wicked grin.
A lovely piece of writing, very suitable for young adults.
Well done,
Jacoba

Hi Tracey,

I came across your book, read the pitch and decided to give it a look. I read the first two chapters and am really impressed! Your writing is very polished and professional. It draws you in and you've done a great job of getting the voice right for a 14 year old boy. I especially like how you show the character's reactions to things. This is important and I have to keep reminding myself to to the same. I'm sure you will do well with this.

I would love it if you could look at my book, Just Kate. It has some similarities in that Kate also travels to a fantasy world. Also, I couldn't help but notice that you have an open space on your shelf. Just Kate has been moving up and I think it would be a perfect addition to your collection. :))

Brenda

I've been doing everything possible to read this at work the past two days, but I think I've finally got a grasp on it after three chapters. This is one of the most professional and intriguing works I've found on the site. It wasn't too long after I started that I forgot I was reading something by an Autho-author on here and got lost in the story. I don't have any nitpicks because you've done a supreme job editing. Six stars.

Hi Tracey :-) I've only read the first chapter for now because we had unexpected Halloween visitors! But I really liked what I read. There is subtle humour which I like. I saw no typos athough the tense occasionally changes. The part about the Sex ed was hilarious - expecially the bit about 'why don't they just tell us not to have sex or we'll die' and get it over with? classic.
I will read more tomorrow night and comment more :-)
Tammy

Thanks Sharon. I only wrote the pitch last night and yes I think you are right. Useful advice thanks.

Tracey

I read the first three chapters of this. I'm not going to nitpic it, because I love your opening. I thought with your long pitch though, if you remove "My Dearest Friend....and Stephen Oliver at the end...it will be more powerful, as if the narrator is speaking to the audiance....

All the very best with this. Cheers Sharon