The Girl at the Bus-Stop

What a little gem of a book. Nicely written, humerous and then, the ending - well! Not going to give anything away, but a bit of shocker. I notice a couple of missing commas but to be honest, was engrosed in the book, I didn't notice anything else. High stars for now.

Have only read chapter one so far but what a great story! Cavadar in a cardigan has got to be the best quote! I shall continue to read more and comment again.

Loved this. I wrote a similar book, pretending it was an autobiography, In the Arms of Strangers. At every book signing the women always asked me if this was a true. When I said no to the first woman, she was angrt and said she was gyped, so afte that I said it was a true story. Your narrative runs well and I like the style of prose. Five stars and I will comew back nd read the rest.

The girl at the bus stop made me smile. Poor Mr Rudge is stuck in a miserable job that he hates, and to make matters worse he has accidentally written a dirty book. The story held my attention and I look forward to reading more soon.

Good job. Michelle - 43 Primrose Avenue

This is a lot of fun to read! I am currently writing what I refer to as a BDSM-light novel. So it's fun to read something kinda along that road...even though its not....anyway, really enjoying it plan on reading more later, got through chapter three, If i see anything that needs critiqueing i'll post it. love the name Raspberry Caine =p

Hi Sam,
Great pitch and superb first chapter. I'm a fan and an enthusiast of the genre you're writing for, so I enjoyed every single paragraph.
Your characters are real, they have no nonsense attitude and your descriptions are great.

You thought and planned every detail (he says I'm English -so no need to warn you on Britishism about telly, you know what I mean), the story is well-structured and the pace is just right.

Another thing I have to say is that your dialogue is great -women do talk like this in real life, and the belly fat issue was hilarious!

Please remove the 'is' in the sentence below.
"These agents and publishers are only interested in (is) making a quick buck,"

The story flows well, and again, I liked your concept.
6/6 stars go to Sam and in my Watch List for further comments,
Best wishes,
Lucette Cohen Fins- Ten Deep Footprints

Well done writing. I thought the situations were very good and the scenes believable. Excellent humour.
Frank

Hi - I read the pitch for this and it appealed to me. I have read the first 4 chapters and have not been disappointed. You created the character of Reuben Rudge very well, he is very believable and I found myself rooting for him very quickly. I felt that Becky's character was not as easy to imagine initially, but she is growing on me. It is very funny, I love Reuben's internal dialogue, and the snippets about his previous novels. The reactions to the constant marketing calls build nicely and are also very amusing (wish I could think of answers like that at the appropriate time).
Good luck with this. I am starring highly and adding to my watchlist - looking forward to reading more.
Is

Great sense of humour, and fabulous use of dialogue as well. An enjoyable read.

Intriguing pitch. I don't know what to make of it, but I am curious. I'll have to look into this...
GEMS
chap 1 - Reuben Rudge is a character I can feel sympathy for. I like his secret nickname for his negihbour, Mr Potter who always potters in his garden. The deer running out 50 yards before the warning sign [Oh deer! Couldn't read the sign, could it. ] Reuben's latest book, Wife on Mars. The confusion with his surname with the phone call from India..
The end of the chapter has a good hook, should he phone his wife and get it over with or not? [I am begining to think he wished she was on Mars!]
CHAP 2 - Reuben's dream of collecting an award from a beautiful actress in a low cut backless gown. 'Just why Rudge was wearing such a garment was a complete mystery to him ...'
I am not a fan of pornography, but I found the porn channel that Reuben found by accident funny - or rather his reaction to it.
CHAP 5 - Fantasy lit sounds more dodgy than Reuben's book.
Chapter 8 - Becky [aka Raspberry Caine] finds the downside of posing as an author.
Chapter 11 - More about Reuben's background - It's good that this does not come to soon. The 'confidential document' that Becky and Reuben found makes me want to read more.
Chapter 13 - Starstruck - The sequel to 'Raspberry Caine's' 1st book. [In school I was told that a story should have a
beginning a middle and and end. The Girl at the Bus Stop is living up to that with a good climax in the middle.]
Chapter 15 Christopher Robin White - Poor bloke! He must had some teasing at school with a name like that. :-(
No wonder he changed it. Soap operas permeating the sub-conscious. The tiny portions at Mutt & Jeff, and the ingenious way of getting a second helping.
Chapter 17 - [I was hoping to see Reuben get his revenge on his old boss - Well done!] The day at the seaside is poignant.

MY CONCLUSION - Comedy and Tragedy - A feel good book.
-----------------------------------
I have had a flick through, and like your use of parodies of song titles as chapter headings. :-)

I'm a fan of Rudge aleady. Poor sod. He sounds as though he could use a little spice in his life...
I found this on the comedy writers' forum and liked your pitch. I'll come back tomorrow and get specific about what I read, just wanted to say that I like it.

Hi Sam, I just dropped in to have a look at your book!
It's very funny! The bit about the bubble wrap cracked me up!
I did not notice any gramatical/spelling issues except for the chaise longue being misspelled in the 1st chapter (should be lounge?).
High stars!
Best of luck with it!
Mindy
The Wishing Place
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42791/the-wishing-place/

Wonderfully written and great sense of humour. I often wonder if in some richer crowds if some of what you've written is actually real. Most likely it is. Great stuff. Good pacing and flow.
Frank

Wonderful pitch, I've just added 'The Girl at the Bus Stop' to my watchlist!

On my WL to review. God, how I know how Mr Rudge feels : -)

You seem to be doing well with the girl in the bus-stop.

Have a read of Ache in my heart 4 chpts and different topics and distress for remedy.

Well this is an absolutely excellent plot, and a perfect pitch to boot. I am more than happy to plunge into this story. It’s like Remington Steele but with a sci-fi geek hiding behind a woman.

The style is light and breezy. The dry wit is very enjoyable. The opening chapter’s suburban setting is suitably boring yet desperate. That aspect of the humour is where it’s at its best.

I think if it were mine, I’d move up the pace, and get to a major event before the end of the first chapter. I know he is about to sink into a nice hot bath, and that in chapter two something will disturb that soapy warm refuge. OK. But I’d be pulled along all the more if the story trotted along more, by now.

Well that’s just me.

This is very likeable. There’s bags of charm, and lots of clever, wry humorous touches.

Best of luck with this, from
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail

Hi I'm enjoying the read, although when I started I got a little lost with all the detail of the mansion? For me I'm not sure this was all necessary. However that being said, I found your writing style a very easy one to follow and enjoyed the humour. I have highly starred added to W/L and will look to back soon.

Cheers
SJ

This is not my genre but you got me on the first page and it is the first book I have backed. It flows wonderfully and the humour is spot on. ' Inability Brown' and Phatt and Phin both made me chuckle, as well as the Dutch shirt manufacturer.

I wish you all the very best with this. It deserves to go all the way and I am surprised it is not in Waterstones now.

Maria

Very funny. It romps along like a post watershed sit-com. I enjoyed the dry humour and the acute observations (although the humour is very British and I wonder how well it would travel?). Your ending is an interesting twist. It's hard to comment too much without giving anything away. I liked the end, but it's suddenness did make me wonder if it was a device to end the book rather than where you really wanted to go?

Gillian

This is really outstanding! Your dry, understated humor really rocks my boat! And of course, how could I not relate to the frustrations of the under-appreciated writer?
"like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle" has got to be one of the funniest phrases I've ever read!
This one's bound for bigger and better things I'm sure!
by the by, I did catch some errata in chapter one if you like to clean up those little details:

cock up on the (missing word?) not him
he couldn't afford (insert: to) insure even the most modest of replacements (cut: comma).
chaise lounge is not spelled longue.
Rudge was relieved that (cut: he / insert: his) wife wasn't at home...
These agents and publishers are only interested in (cut: is) making a quick buck

Cheers and best of luck,
Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

Love the title, cover and short pitch, just not sure about the long one. Perhaps leave some pertinent info out and let the reader find out.
I read the first chapter and the writing is smooth,very entertaining.To me Rueben is real to life character. Highly starred. Damn just realized I can't trust my typing in the dark!
J

I found your writing to be very visual and entertaining. I like the range of similes you build in early on that create humour and some rather unpleasant images. Everyone likes a good loser, and your character certainly fits that bracket. I have starred and added you to my watchlist.

All the best,

Phil

I have read to Chap 5 and it is smooth – I felt the pace go off a bit in the second chapter but can’t put my finger on why. Perhaps too much emphasis on his down mood also slowed the pace a bit? But it soon picked up and I am enjoying it. The South West Train Tea ceremony made me smile – reminds me of my tirade against the Starbuck world pseudo coffee. I also have a description about the Japanese trains.

I have made notes on Chap 1 then settled down to read. I didn’t notice anything out through Cap 5 but I wasn’t concentrating on that as much. All seemed pretty clean and have given it high stars.

Chap1
- …No Claims Bonus meant that he couldn’t afford (to) insure even the most modest of replacements(,). || ‘to’ missing and a stray ‘,’ at end
- It landed on the reproduction Georgian miniature chaise (longue? lounge) telephone seat, splitting (‘it’ for the lounge or ‘the canvas’) open like a ..|| not sure if it is the lounge or the painting that split.
- Rudge was relieved that (he >> his) wife wasn’t home…
- …bring them up properly, certainly || doesn’t need the comma
- Wife on Mars – very clever
- She (hangs as it was not mentioned prior that the student was a she) Maybe change to “The student/slash editor would have been far too busy working on her… || or mention it is a girl beforehand.
- …licking piss off a nettle (then/ before) he spat it out in the sink. (licking piss off a nettle – great!)
- These agents and publishers are only interested in (is) making a quick buck.. ||delete ‘is’ or start sentence with ‘All’ and keep both

All the best with it.

Andrew

A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

I have just had a quick look at the first chapter and will delve more deeply as soon as I clear away some other Authonomy comitments. The MS looks very clean and the writing fluent, I look to forward to reading more.
Another author full of rejections is "Notes on an orange burial" (not my book but I recomend it highly).
I will get back with some comments shortly-ish

Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

I read all of this and loved it! Reuben is such a lovely man, and I feel for his lack of success with his S-F novels. I'm not sure which version of the title I prefer; I think I lean towards Raspberry Caine. Not sure I can forgive you for the ending though.
Staying on my shelf for a long time.

Sam,

I checked out your book and I backed it, I found it intriguing! Please check out my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. Your help will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing!

Dwain-Thomas

RASPBERRY CAINE
This story has a main character who easy to relate to – because he’s just like all of us, bus collecting rejection slips on a regular basis. I sympathized with him right away. I like the detail you include in your descriptions of scenes: exactly the color or brand or smell of everything; makes your setting feel very real. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Sam

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Raspberry Caine
Loved this! Warm and funny and deserves to do well. Highly starred.

I was drawn into Rasperry Caine by your pitch. It sounded different and when I read the first chapter it was just that. Your sense of humour is very sharp. I love the line regarding Mr Potter where you describe him as a cadavar in a cardigan. I think the theme of literary rejection is something we can all sympathise with on this site! I also like the parts where the overseas callers are harrassing Rudge with offers that he just isn't interested in. Another sympathy vote! What makes this novel different is the theme of Rudge pretending to be a female author. Very clever. Good luck with this. Six stars and on my watchlist as I want to come back to it and find out how this all turns out.

Kim (Pain)

This was delightfully tongue in...cheek. Well done!

I like your sense of humor. You have many funny descriptions and examples of dirty humor. There is a niche audience for this type of writing.

I don't find Rudge to be an especially likable lead character. I get that he's a loser but there still needs to be a reason to root for him.

Overall, you're on the right path here so I'll back it. Good luck.

This had me laughing and crying. I like the premise, the humour and the wonderful characters. Gale Buckingham as the fading soft-porn star is a hoot. I loved the way she described the downfall of her first actor husband after being caught in the lavatories at St Pancras:

".... it put paid his dreams of a knighthood and he was 'let go' from the long running West End production of 'The Cubicle', I mean, 'The Crucible'."

"The last time I saw him he popped up on my TV screen in an episode of 'Casualty', playing the part of an alcoholic with a dark secret. Now there's irony for you."

Also the descriptions of former owners of Deerstock Manor are just brilliant.

This is excellent, original and a damned good read. I would buy it if I saw it in a book shop just on the strength of the pitch.

What a fantastic book. I read it from start to finish and it's left me absolutely stunned. Well done.

Just a quick note on your take away choices in chapter 7. Biriyani is a dish of rice, fried/baked with veg and choice of meat served with a side sauce and therefore you would not order a seperate rice to go with it! Lamb is the one I always choose and would recommend it.

I'm now up to chapter 7, and still loving it.
Could I just suggest that the title might be re thought! I only came across this book by mistake and it was your synopsis that pulled me in. The title just doesn't say anything, it has no ring to it, if anything it has the opposite effect. I'm struggling to say what I mean, but this book deserves more.

I,ve just finished the first chapter and can't wait to go to the next. I feel I know this man well!

Your premise sounds fantastic. I had to back this! :D

I like it. Rudge is a great character couple of little snafus need tidying up I noticed but overall engaging and entertaining. Lovely observations coupled with adequately cringeworthy situations and feelings, good fun. A couple I noticed my gift to you, I know how hard this editing stuff can be impossible to catch everything. Lookin forward to reading more

Paragraph 8: politely before delving into computer system
Literary agents wouldn't know good writing if it jumped up and bit them in (on) the arse.

Rudge instantly is a sympathetic character…I believe many will relate since we’ve all felt this way at one point or another. Nothing seems to go right for the poor man. I loved many of the lines such as ‘Cadaver in a cardigan’, from that line on I was hooked. Poor Rudge, the world just doesn’t spin in his direction. The mistake at the office, his rejection letter he hurls across the room, even the fence needing repair, your heart just reaches out to the poor man. I found his mood hilarious, his responses to the phone solicitors was spot on. You manage to draw the reader into his tiring existence.

I laughed so often through the chapters I kept turning the pages. I loved the wording and the many snippets such as, ‘whatever happened to a couple pints after work’ then the joke about his wife. The drunken nights he barely remembers anything, waking nude in the hall. There is so much humor throughout the chapters it is a wonderful hook to keep the readers engrossed.

The agreement with Becky sets the core of the story and it’s easy to watch them relying on each other, then later attraction. I was suprised he wouldn't have simply used the pen name. Becky is a strong willed woman at the start then later I felt she wasn’t in charge of her destiny as I expected she would be. The constant parties and being pushed at every corner wasn’t what I expected. And having Becky write the sequel is an odd turn of events. I suppose if she was becoming Raspberry, she’d soon have enough exposure with the detailed lifestyle to attempt writing. This novel is written in an easy voice, the descriptions are vivid and engrossing. I wanted to read this through to see where the characters would lead, I've enjoyed all 16 chapters and can see this doing really well in its genre.

Good luck,
Wendy
And When

This book is such wonderful fun! I laughed my way through the first two chapters, then sobered up and read the next two as well, just to see if there was anything about it I could really, as in really criticise, and in fact, there just isn't. The writing rolls smoothly along, the characters are straight out of reality, the sense of dread is something we have all visited. As an example, the wise cracking, happy work mates are just perfect.

The only thing I would say, and I find this about really funny books, is that after a while I can't laugh any more. Like when you go to see a live comedy show and you piss yourself in the first ten minutes, after a while it gets hard to laugh so loud. But that is hardly a criticism...so if I bought this I would read it slowly.

I like the sarky, "urgently required crap" being delivered in vans, the "reproduction Georgian brass effect battery operated Chinese carriage clock" We have all felt the way Reuben does, but you have it pitch perfect.

The only phrase that i thought you could do without, was "doldrums were right up at the dizzy heights of stratospheric euphoria" which is just a bit too much OTT imvho.

Brilliant stuff. All the very best with this!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

Hi Sam,
Great idea, well written. Lots of good lines in there. One small comment is that a fellow writer will immediately side with Rudge's plight, but Joe Public might find him more selfish and angry to the point that they don't get behind him.
As for me, I love him to bits. I do that sort of thing on the telephone all the time, but they still keep calling.
I'll keep going with this.
best of luck,
Robert

Franhiatt recommended this (I think - I get confused!) and I can see why. Fabulous premise and some great writing here. Shelved and starred
Sheila

Great story. Highly recommended.

WA

My kind of writing...full of humour and observation, not to mention the obsession with minute detail!
Bloody good
Stewart

clever premise= a failling writer- l can identify with that- you can't be, with your excellent writing skilld originality and knowlegde of how to use narrative and dialogue with great effect...
will surely backed
six stars******
read SEASONS...

what a hoot. go you. hope you do well with it!
jen

Sam
I've read to chapter 4 and so far so good. Mr Rudge is a great character and I like his relationship with Becky, they seem to have the makings of a good 'team'. You've captured the every day working life routine spot on and the way Rudge has names for all his neighbours (I do the same!). Have put you on my watchlist and also star rated.
Jane (Jedye)

The first chapter showcases a typical day and thoughts that I feel many people would identify with. He has the normal complaints and jealousy. The MC is bitter toward his wife and the decisions he feels she has forced him to make. This story has a lot of promise even though it is not something I would typically pick out to read. With that said I probably am not picking out the voice you intended. I wish you all the luck with your MS.

Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies