Dreams

Hi Sandy,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions and should be taken for whatever they’re worth.

Regarding your short pitch, it doesn’t really grab me. First, “being” is a weak verb. Second, I’m of the opinion that direct questions to the reader aren’t as impactful as hard-hitting, active verbs that lead the reader to those questions. That might just be me, though.

Long pitch…change “had been” to “was”

Again, “having” is a weak verb. Condense it with “diagnosed with Narcolepsy” for readability.

Condense the next part of that first line, too. “Since she was thirteen, Emma Mason had been diagnosed with an extreme case of Narcolepsy that leaves her almost comatose.” By the way, how can you be “almost”
comatose?

I’m confused, how is she able to escape her parents with this severe condition? I think when you said this disease leaves her almost comatose, the assumption you’re hinting at is that she’s still almost comatose. I think what you mean to say is that:

“When Emma Mason was thirteen, she was diagnosed with a severe case of Narcolepsy that left her almost comatose. She has battled the condition ever since, even when she accepts a scholarship to New York’s Saint Mary’s School for the Gifted to escape her parents.”

“little does she know” is kind of cliché

“dreams in her unconscious state” most dreams are in our unconscious state. You don’t need to say “unconscious state”

The concept is intriguing, but like most pitches on Authonomy, it needs some scrubbing for clarity and impact.

Chapter one

“she wondered at her daring” This is confusing

“she was aware by the time the school received it, they may have already had made their decision” First, you can drop the “had” before “made their decision”. Second, replace the comma after “it” with “that”.

Add comma after “As she stood”

Also, if she’s “staring mindlessly at the building” how can she be deep in thought? They contradict each other. Mindlessly means she’s not thinking and that she’s zoned out.

I stopped with the line-by-line edits in order to read for content. My biggest suggestion is to read this aloud, maybe into a tape recorder and listen to it. Your storytelling is good, and the writing is, too, but this needs some scrubbing. Not a big thing, as we all go through it, but focus on readability, flow and whether imagery makes sense. The important thing is that the story is good and well told. That’s the hardest thing to fix if there’s a problem. I don’t think you have any problems there. I would like to see more character imagery development earlier, and maybe have the descriptions amped up a bit. Otherwise, good stuff! I think this is a great start.

Best of luck. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my story when you get the chance.

All the best,

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi,

Your story didn't disappoint. From the time it started until the end of the 6th chapter there was a story that could be read and enjoyed. I liked the way you handled the story - first showing Emma then Sister Mary to gradually merge the two. Sometimes people try this technique but fail to understand when to merge the two thereby either taking it for too long or too soon and making the story boring. but you did it just right. Also you kept the suspense growing about Quade and his mission. I would love to read the rest and hopefully you will upload the rest soon. It is a nice premise, dreams and secrets but it is given out in minimal doses not poured into the readers head. I liked that subtle move, it makes the story more believable.

There was one glaring error in chapter 2 when Emma is preparing to leave home. You mention she packs her bag and pulls it to the ground from the bed. Later when her father comes in he too pulls the bag off the bed.

I'm giving you 6 stars and will back the book soon.

Shirani
Chocolate Cake Dreams

I was so intrigued by your pitch and your first chapter did not let me down. The idea of dreams seem to be the next big thing at the moment. Have you checked out The Silhouette by Thomas Shaw? I think you may enjoy it. I really liked your book, but I think that a different name might attract more readers. Just a thought. Also, I'm wondering if this book could be better as a Middle Grade story. The border line between Children's and Young Adult. Just some things to think about. Best of luck with it!

Ashley

Hi Sandy,

Your pitch intriqued me and I read your first chapter. You have an intriguing writers voice and you certainly hook your reader -- you've left me wondering what Emma has been up to, and wanting more. Added to my watch list -- I look forward to coming back for Chapter Two!

Best,

Michelle Mills
~ Willow Lake Manor ~