Exterium

Hi, there –this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I smiled at your profile—we do assign some depressing books to the kids. Middle schoolers in my area read “They Cage the Animals at Night,” which is terribly sad, but they also read “Holes.”

You haven’t been around in a while, but I’m so annoyed with myself for these un-reciprocated reviews that I’ll give you a quick crit anyway. I am very sorry I didn’t do it sooner.

One thing I’ve learned since posting my novel here is that agents and publishers read just a chapter or two before making a decision. I also know from my classroom that students give their books only a few pages before deciding it’s not worth the effort. I am obviously not sure how the story plays out, but in Chapter 1 we meet Mike and Max and learn they sometimes fight. While many kids will relate to this, they’ll also find it somewhat ordinary. It may be beneficial to make their disagreement more unique in some way, or create a more unusual opening.

In Chapter 2 Max finds something curious and I’m intrigued and want to know more. I’m also intrigued by the stranger in the bank, who has clearly left Max’s find behind. This is an incident that will hold the attention of students.

Wishing you all the best with your ms,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Brothers! I can tell you this, you got it right! Even though I’m a little sister, there is no difference. You brought back some childhood memories for me, and hit on some very realistic situations. My guess is, you either had a brother or brothers, or you were very close to someone who did. This is very good, and I think this will be a big hit with kids. Best of luck to you, and Exterium.

God Bless,
Dana P. FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME

I have only read the first two chapters and then a couple more at separate places in the book. I liked the way you were seeing the world through Max's eyes.Occasionally I found you used two adjectives which seemed contradictory eg ' shuffled rapidly' , and at times a sequence of sentences all started with the name of the character involved . I think ten year olds would find the language level exactly right.

This is wonderful stuff for kids. They will love it! Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard
The Cross of Goa

Thanks for your review. Chapter 2 is the end of the school day. I described my exact routine when I pick my kids up from school. There is no gate. Children are either picked-up by car at 2 PM or go to the cafeteria for aftercare. Parents then must sign out the children. The staff uses walkie-talkies to communicate with one another. I guess it is an American thing :)

Safety deposit boxes are common in the US, especially where I live in south Florida. Home invasions/break-ins is quite common. Yes, I guess Max is stealing. I tried to convey that he is a good person, but slipped-up this one time because he looks up to his older brother. Mike is obviously not the best person to admire, but then it develops as the story continues.

I will review the chapters and try to make it more clear.

Thanks.

A primarily fast paced narrative which feels correctly pitched at the eight – ten age range, or thereabouts. Both language and story line feel right for children’s fantasy. The squabbling between the brothers in the first chapter seemed true and is a strong snapshot of the boys’ relationship.

I was less sold on chapter two. I didn’t understand what was happening in the opening with the counsellor’s use of the walkie talkie, children playing games and Max getting out of school. Perhaps it’s an American thing, but I was confused. With hindsight, I assume it’s the end of the school day and the kids are being released when their parents turn up, but I’m still not sure. Whatever happened to parents waiting at the school gate?

I also found the scene in the bank a tad confusing. It felt like there were lots of narrative short-cuts that I couldn’t follow and it took a while to work out what was going on. Perhaps it's that safety-deposit boxes are not in common usage in the UK.Maybe that's it, but I had to work out what was going on, rather than the routine seeming natural. I was also a bit confused about lights shining through cracks and Max finding something in the bank which he then keeps. I’d call it stealing, however curious he was, so I was rather surprised that he did it. I’d had no indication prior to this that he was less than honest. To be fair, when I read it through again it made more sense, but I'm still not convinced by Max taking things from a room where people go to open their boxes. Particularly when someone is making a fuss saying he's lost something.

In conclusion, there is some good stuff here, but I would like to see some more work on tightening the narrative, but maybe that’s just me.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

I quite enjoyed what I read, even though I am not the target audience. All I would say is to what the number of exclamation marks that you are using, treat them like gold dust. Let the verb do the emphasising insead but just IMO :)

A primarily fast paced narrative which feels correctly pitched at the eight – ten age range, or thereabouts. Both language and story line feel right for children’s fantasy. The squabbling between the brothers in the first chapter seemed true and is a strong snapshot of the boys’ relationship.

I was less sold on chapter two. I didn’t understand what was happening in the opening with the counsellor’s use of the walkie talkie, children playing games and Max getting out of school. Perhaps it’s an American thing, but I was confused. With hindsight, I assume it’s the end of the school day and the kids are being released when their parents turn up, but I’m still not sure. Whatever happened to parents waiting at the school gate?

I also found the scene in the bank a tad confusing. It felt like there were lots of narrative short-cuts that I couldn’t follow and it took a while to work out what was going on. Perhaps it's that safety-deposit boxes are not in common usage in the UK.Maybe that's it, but I had to work out what was going on, rather than the routine seeming natural. I was also a bit confused about lights shining through cracks and Max finding something in the bank which he then keeps. I’d call it stealing, however curious he was, so I was rather surprised that he did it. I’d had no indication prior to this that he was less than honest. To be fair, when I read it through again it made more sense, but I'm still not convinced by Max taking things from a room where people go to open their boxes. Particularly when someone is making a fuss saying he's lost something.

In conclusion, there is some good stuff here, but I would like to see some more work on tightening the narrative, but maybe that’s just me.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Yarg Review -
Really liked this from the start. Your descriptive passages are very good and I particularly like the way you describe eyes!! The book hooks you in and doesnt let go - there is no way of losing interest as the dialogue sparkles througout. Great stuff.

YARG REVIEW- Exterium

I could have swore that I read this already, but I didn’t see my comments. Myabe I’ve just skimmed through it before. Anyways, I’ll be going over the first chapter. Take everything with a grain of salt, because I am very new to writing. I love the imagery when you use the term “steaming pavement,” I know just what you are talking about! The dialogue between Max and Mike is so real, I felt like I was there. I love how you incorporated that he flicked Max’s ear....it’s the little touches that you are putting in this that make it unique and such an interesting read. A very age appropriate children’s read...I’m thinking Middle Schoolers would really enjoy this. What age range where you going for? You get six stars from me for a great book and brilliant descriptions. Keep up the good work!

Best,

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

I love this! And I know my kids would too! You have really nailed the sibling rivalry bit! OMG! I have seven kids( 3 boys and 4 girls) I KNOW what I'm talking about! :0 It had me laughing and wanting to smack them at the same time! Great job!=)

Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

YARG Review

Mary,

LOVE, I mean, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE: The sibling dislike between Max and Mike. "Mike reached past his mother to flick Max's ear.", "Consider yourself served!" The dialogue between Max and his mom about his pet names.

Improvements: I think if you were to re-read this, you'd find some grammatical mistakes that you can fix. Such as: "What's wrong with you!" yelled Mike, should have a (?) and yelled. In Chapter 2, the narrative of the snake-like man should be broken down into two or three paragraphs.

Overall: Is this MG? Because it's fantastic and fun MG. I like it Very age appropriate with a nice blend of larger vocab.

Rated 6 stars and WL.
Alice

YARG Review

Hi Mary,

I've had you on my watchlist for a bit. Here's my YARG for Exterium.

Cheers,
Fyn

Chapter 1

This is a promising start. Mike is clearly the bigger of the two brothers and Max resents his bullying. Though I empathise with him as he goes to his room after being pushed over by Mike, I don't entirely feel for him as much as I would like at the end of the first chapter. Maybe this is because the chapter is quite short and I don't glean enough about what his brother is like (except the bit where he pushes him) to make me really cast my lot on his side as an MC. While he's alone in his room I would have liked to know more of why/ what else about Mike upsets Max and makes his big brother a jerk. Perhaps you can expand a bit on that - maybe have Max talk to Echo about some of the mean things that Mike does and how it affects him or perhaps expand on the first scene by showing another incident between him and his brother once he enters the house. This way his wish for Mike not to be such a jerk at the end of the chapter becomes more powerful and emotive. Just a suggestion.


Some things to look at:

"I hate you, Mike!"

"echo"...name - sometimes you capitalise, sometimes you don't (Must have scared Echo. "Hey Echo!"...whispered to Echo)


He settled his sights on one. "Big Dipper!" He looked at another. "Aquila!" And then another. "Cassiopeia!"

"Dinner's ready!"

Otherwise I really like the action at the beginning and the way you've captured the boys' competitive nature. Your writing flows well and your style is clear, straight forward and lovely to read.

Chapter 2

I like this chapter. I get a better feel for Max and like him much more. I love his mother's character and laughed at the bit where he's telling her not to use endearments when calling him.

Nice description of Mackenzie. Question - is this for 9-12ers or older? I'm just wondering because of some of the words you use. If 9-12ers then words such as "saccharine" can turn out to be stumbling blocks for kids.

I liked the action at the bank. There was a sudden air of mystery around what Max had found and the introduction of the strange man at the end (wonderful description of him and his jiggling cheeks) suddenly made me excited that something was happening. Looking back, it made me wonder if you really need all the details of everything Max and his mum had done up until that point? In contrast to your first chapter, this chapter is on the longer side and there are some bits that you could shorten to increase the tension of the story. For instance, if you cut the bit where they're buying muffins and racing to the car, we get to the bank faster and this is where the action really is.

"Branch Manager - George Goldschmidt."

If you can find a way to tighten this chapter it would be a great chapter. It already has a few good hooks.

Chapter 3

I suggest to start this chapter where Max runs upstairs to his room. We find out about softball practice from Mike so you don't really need that first bit where they're driving home. Liked the rest of it. Mike really is a jerk.

Overall this has a great premise and shows potential. When you get around to doing a major edit, perhaps go through the book and work out which details the readers really need to know and cut those that they don't (or somehow work them into the slimmer framework without having to set an extra scene around them). It would greatly increase the tension and thrill potential of Exterium.

Good luck!

Thanks for the catch. I fixed the sentence.

A YARG review-
Two kids stuck on a planet? Oh boy! I've only gotten to the first two chapters, but I'll read more soon.
Mostly your grammar is great. There are a few spots that were slightly confusing, like 'I have another customer who is so much trouble'. Try rephrasing that.
Overall though, you've got an original idea and a great start; I think kids will love this! Keep up the good work!
Noelle J. Alabaster 'Dark Origins'

Thank's for the terrific review. I can't believed I missed that typo! What good eyes you have! I have corrected and reloaded the chapter. thx.

Hi. This is a brief YARG review.

Like the idea of this - good pitch, great idea. I felt the beginning was a tiny bit slow - and you have a little typo in the first para you might want to wipe out - 'into to....'

It really picked up though. It is readable, accessible and targetted perfectly at your audience. Likeable characters that are believable and real, and it's funny too - love the embarrassing mother with the kisses and the nicnames - you make us very fond of the pair of them and the situation would be instantly recognisable to your readers. You also have the nasty Mackenzie and some great expressions (smile like a slowly pulled rubber band.)

I liked the atmosphere you created in the strong box place, and the mystery object - great hook. The argument with the strange man and his wonderful description - and we just know the object belongs to him, and that makes us really want to read on.

You have a story full of the much loved mixture of 'normal' and 'weird' which is well written and engaging. Good stuff. Have some stars.
Cariad.

Hi. This is a brief YARG review.

Like the idea of this - good pitch, great idea. I felt the beginning was a tiny bit slow - and you have a little typo in the first para you might want to wipe out - 'into to....'

It really picked up though. It is readable, accessible and targetted perfectly at your audience. Likeable characters that are believable and real, and it's funny too - love the embarrassing mother with the kisses and the nicnames - you make us very fond of the pair of them and the situation would be instantly recognisable to your readers. You also have the nasty Mackenzie and some great expressions (smile like a slowly pulled rubber band.)

I liked the atmosphere you created in the strong box place, and the mystery object - great hook. The argument with the strange man and his wonderful description - and we just know the object belongs to him, and that makes us really want to read on.

You have a story full of the much loved mixture of 'normal' and 'weird' which is well written and engaging. Good stuff. Have some stars.
Cariad.

A YARG review-
Two kids stuck on a planet? Oh boy! I've only gotten to the first two chapters, but I'll read more soon.
Mostly your grammar is great. There are a few spots that were slightly confusing, like 'I have another customer who is so much trouble'. Try rephrasing that.
Overall though, you've got an original idea and a great start; I think kids will love this! Keep up the good work!
Noelle J. Alabaster 'Dark Origins'

Thanks so much for the feedback. I will go over your comments carefully and edit my book.

11-3-2011
I corrected the problem sentences. They did seem to run on and at times were repetitive. Thanks for taking the time to note them.

Hi,
Came across this so I thought I'd have a read.
I like the flavour of this story. The pitch drew me in. I think your intended audience would love the premise of kids being stuck on a planet with a time frame to escape.
I read the first two chapters and for the most part the writing flowed smoothly.
I wonder if in the second chapter you can tighten the prose a bit more and move to the bank vault quicker. I also thought the description of the man in the Hawaiian shirt could be cropped. It seems like over kill to me.
Anyhow apart from that I think this is a good beginning You've certainly nailed the voice of a ten year old. My son is that age, and I really liked the interactions with his mum. I do that to my son all the time, I know he secretly loves being called endearments.
I have included a couple of examples where I think you could tighten the narrative. Its just my opinion, so take whatever works for you. Best of luck with this one. You should join the YARG group if you haven't already a bunch of nice people who offer good constructive advice.
Hope this review is of some use.
Cheers Jacoba

Chapter two
Max wondered how long before she'd consider her new car old enough to take scratches and dings. Then he wouldn't have to walk so far in the oppresive Florida heat. ( break into two sentences)

...like an antique. The room housed several small wooden cubicles, each ... ( break into two sentences)

Max felt the sugar rush from the muffin, however he was determined to stay calm, fearing she would never buy him another one if he started acting silly.

Max considered himself an honest person, but decided to hold on to the precious stone until he could examine it later at home. He made a promise that he'd return it to its rightful owner if it turned out to be something valuable. Right now his curiosity overwhelmed him.

Hi,
Came across this so I thought I'd have a read.
I like the flavour of this story. The pitch drew me in. I think your intended audience would love the premise of kids being stuck on a planet with a time frame to escape.
I read the first two chapters and for the most part the writing flowed smoothly.
I wonder if in the second chapter you can tighten the prose a bit more and move to the bank vault quicker. I also thought the description of the man in the Hawaiian shirt could be cropped. It seems like over kill to me.
Anyhow apart from that I think this is a good beginning You've certainly nailed the voice of a ten year old. My son is that age, and I really liked the interactions with his mum. I do that to my son all the time, I know he secretly loves being called endearments.
I have included a couple of examples where I think you could tighten the narrative. Its just my opinion, so take whatever works for you. Best of luck with this one. You should join the YARG group if you haven't already a bunch of nice people who offer good constructive advice.
Hope this review is of some use.
Cheers Jacoba

Chapter two
Max wondered how long before she'd consider her new car old enough to take scratches and dings. Then he wouldn't have to walk so far in the oppresive Florida heat. ( break into two sentences)

...like an antique. The room housed several small wooden cubicles, each ... ( break into two sentences)

Max felt the sugar rush from the muffin, however he was determined to stay calm, fearing she would never buy him another one if he started acting silly.

Max considered himself an honest person, but decided to hold on to the precious stone until he could examine it later at home. He made a promise that he'd return it to its rightful owner if it turned out to be something valuable. Right now his curiosity overwhelmed him.