Book Jacket

 

rank 285
word count 24341
date submitted 01.11.2011
date updated 31.08.2012
genres: Chick Lit, Romance, Biography, Come...
classification: universal
incomplete

Ella In Between

Elke Beck

Is love enough to overcome homesickness and displacement? Ella, a young German woman, marries an American and has to adjust to life in the USA.

 

Having grown up in a small German village and leading a quiet, orderly and sheltered life, Ella hasn’t the slightest idea how falling hard for a charming young American will turn her world upside down.
She enjoys married life in her familiar surroundings even though she quickly realizes she has a lot to learn about this seismic shift in her life.
It is not as simple as cooking for two, sharing the same apartment or laundering someone else’s dirty underwear. This is a marriage not just of two people but of two continents, two countries and two cultures.
Ella assimilates him into her life but the change that is inevitable comes too soon. She is being torn away from everything she ever knew and has to find her way in the “New World”. Ella fumbles and stumbles through this difficult state of affairs and tries hard to fit in far away from home. Her moods and emotions swing wildly,at times amusing or deeply concerning her ever patient husband. Will Ella ever adjust, or will she always remain in between?

 
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tags

adjustment, change, homesick, humor, journey, lost, love, marriage, memoir, semi autobiographical, travel, woman fiction

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Chapters

8

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Chapter Eight

                          Famous Saliva& Mashed Potato’s

David owned an extensive collection of CD’s and enjoyed many different genres. His favorite band was U2 and he was ecstatic when they announced a concert date in Koeln, a bigger city about an hour and a half from Pruem. David purchased tickets and for the following month I heard nothing but talk about the upcoming event.

“I can’t wait to see them live again. They’re awesome and put on an incredible show.”David was like a kid in a candy store.

“I’ve never been to a concert,” I admitted to David’s great surprise.

“Just the thought of all those people pushing and crowding me, makes me feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I’m terribly claustrophobic and know that there are way too many people for me. So I just listen to their recordings.”

“Wow!!! That’s too bad. I love life concerts. The atmosphere and music are so different and you get truly immersed, especially at a U2 concert. There’s nothing like it.”

“Well you go, have fun and then tell me all about it.”

  On the big day it was like Christmas had arrived early for David and he called me from the car on his way to the concert.

“I’m almost there. I’ll let you know how it was. Love you babe.”

I smiled, feeling his excitement and bottled up energy and could picture him, bouncing in his seat, impatient to get there

 “Have fun and behave. I love you too. Bye honey.” 

The following day, as I was mashing potatoes in my small kitchen, the door to the apartment flew open. David rushed in, and from the giant grin on his face I concluded that he was still on cloud nine. He swept me in his arms and twirled me around until I cried for mercy.

“The concert was beyond awesome. I was in the mush-pit and managed to get all the way to the front. The show was freaking amazing.”

David barely drew a breath before proudly announcing: “Bono spat on me!”

  Eew, disgusting, why did he spit on you?

“I got so close to the front that when Bono bent down we were literally face to face. When he sang he spat on me,” David explained.

 This could only mean one thing, David’s personal hygiene would be lacking for a while, in order to preserve the famous saliva. I secretly shivered in disgust.

Well better him then me, I thought and turned back to my domestic tasks.

David hugged me from behind and gently took the spoon from my hand.

“Ella, please sit down for a moment.”He guided me to the nearest chair and got on his right knee.

Wondering if there were more stories about disgusting body fluids I looked cautiously at my unpredictable boyfriend. David took hold of my hands and looked deep into my eyes.

What is he up too now?

 I was expecting another one of his comical, dramatic performances. Looking at him with growing suspicion I waited for the punch line to the newest joke.

 “Ella, I love you more then you will ever know. My life has changed so much since you became a part of it.”

David cleared his throat, and then continued. “I‘ve thought about this long and hard and I can’t imagine a life without you. You mean everything to me and it would make me the luckiest guy on earth if you would become my wife. Ella, will you marry me?

There it was!!!

Not believing what had just come out of his mouth I stared at him, totally dumbfounded. I was so shocked I actually stuttered when my words came back to me: “This isn’t funny at all. If this is another one of your jokes it’s by far the worst I’ve ever heard.” I started to choke up and took a deep breath before being able to speak again.

I understand you had a great time at the concert yesterday and you’re on some outlandish high, but this is just simply cruel. With tears in my eyes I looked at the still kneeling David in front of me.

He had hoped for a joyous yes and feared a possible no, but this reaction truly seemed to baffle him.   Apparently he had cried wolf one too many times and somehow deserved this. 

I got up from the chair, pushed him out of my way and grabbed the potato masher. In my fury I shook it at David’s face, white goop flying everywhere.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

David stood up, pried the utensil out my fingers and then hugged me tight to his chest. He started to wonder if the absence of a ring when he proposed was another reason for my disbelief and confusion. He realized being a spur of the moment guy didn’t always work out in his favor, especially where I was concerned.

“Ella, listen to me please. I’ve thought about marrying you for a while now.

I feel we’re at a place where we need to move forward with our relationship.

My feelings for you are true and I would never make a joke out of this.”

David realized me struggling in his arms to get away was not a good start. He spoke patiently and quietly to soothe and secured a promise of no further physical attacks before releasing me.

I sat back down and promised to hear him out. David honestly and sincerely explained what was in his heart.

“Ella my feelings for you have grown deeper and every day without you seems like a day lost to me.  I want to share my life with you, and don’t want to wake up or go to bed alone any more.  I need you; I love you with all I have and all I am.  Will you please answer me now?”

 David looked at me imploringly with those amazing blue eyes and I was lost. Overcome with emotions and tears in my eyes I replied.

“Yes, David yes, I’d be honored to be your wife.  “You owe me a ring though,I teased him as I lovingly drew him in my arms.

 David smirked:”Woman if this is a taste of how hard you’re going to make me beg for things, I’ve got my work cut out for me.”

I just smiled knowingly. Little did he know. 

In the following weeks we stayed busy applying for all the documents necessary for the civil wedding. In Germany couples were required to get married by a legal representative of the state before the church wedding. To appease both of our families we chose the 14th of August for the civil wedding and planned to have the church wedding the following spring in the US.

Coordinating flowers, choosing the right invitations and attire and finding a restaurant for the celebration after the service kept me insanely busy.

And as if this wasn’t enough stress already, we also needed to look for a new home. My apartment was too small for David to move in permanently and we decided to look for a place closer to the military base. The Air force helped with the search by providing available home listings in the area.

After checking out some places, which didn’t suit us or ended up being in the wrong location, we fell in love with a spacious apartment in a little farm village about ten miles outside the base.

“I really like this place.” David was excited after the walkthrough and searched my face for agreement.

“The rooms are big enough and the view from the balcony is gorgeous.”

The apartment was on the second floor of a white stucco house on top of a hill overlooking the tiny village below, which could be missed in the blink of an eye.

“I really like how spacious it is and that it has two bedrooms,” I replied.

We can have people over without tripping over one another.”

 The apartment consisted of two bedrooms, one bathroom, a large eat-in kitchen, living room, and a great foyer with marble floors and huge antique wooden wardrobe. The best feature of the place though was the small balcony off the kitchen. It had picturesque views of the rolling hills, cow pastures, forests and the landlord’s garden. Nestled down below in the valley were the houses and barns of the village.

“Can you imagine the sunsets from up here? We can barbeque out there or just sit and enjoy a nice glass of wine.” I said, truly excited.

“I’m just glad there is no church with annoying bells in the front yard waking my ass up anymore.” David remarked.

The Schumann’s, the owners of the home were both retired and occupied the main level of the house. The basement was build out into a third apartment, in which their daughter and her family currently resided.  The main entrance to the house opened to a shared foyer and marble staircases up and down leading to private entrances.

“Your washer and dryer hookups are in the basement,” Mr. Schumann told them. “I’m happy to show you.”

I looked at David with raised eyebrows, not quite sure how to feel about that situation. Following the old man reluctantly I was wondering about my cherished privacy.

 

Mr. Schumann herded us down the stairs and I felt a bit uncomfortable to walk through the young family’s main hallway to get to the basement room, which held the washer and dryer.

“How do your daughter and her husband feel about us traipsing through their living space every time we need to do a load of laundry?” I wanted to know.

Its fine, they don’t care. It’s always been that way.”

David shrugged, nudged me and gave me the look to drop it and move on.

We returned back upstairs and decided that the apartment suited us well. When we signed the lease we were full of hope and excitement over our first big decision together as an engaged couple.

On the way out Mr. Schumann showed us around the property. Next to the main house was a huge wooden barn, home to a colorful assortment of rabbits and a pony named Max, who was currently grazing in the meadow behind the barn. Chickens and a big rooster were roaming free in a sizeable enclosure near the barn and Mr. Schumann proudly pointed to his wife’s big vegetable garden.

“She grows enough to feed five families, so feel free to help yourself,” he announced much to both of ours delight.

The tour continued through Mr. Schumann’s fruit tree orchard with apple, pear, cherry and plum trees. We walked past large beautiful rhododendron bushes in full bloom, down to a small pond with coy and water lilies. The surroundings were well landscaped and near the edge of the pond stood a little wooden garden house. It had checkered curtains in the windows and flower boxes below the sills with an assortment of the prettiest plants.

“I like to spend my free time down here. When I need to get away from my Frau, this is a great spot to hide,” Mr. Schumann gave David a meaningful wink.

“It’s absolutely beautiful. You’ve done a really nice job with your landscaping.” I injected myself in the conversation. “This must be a lot of work to keep it all up.”

“Nonsense, it’s not that bad. I manage,” he dismissed me with a wave of his hand and turned back to David. “Did you see the large fish in there? I had them for years.”

“How do they survive the winters?” I was intrigued.

“They’re tough they just swim deeper. You should come down here once you’re moved in and we’ll have a couple of beers.”

I imagined that this generous invitation was for David only.

 What a weird old coot.

On the way back, through the gardens to our car, I saw the little balcony from below and pictured myself and David having coffee up there overlooking the landscape below. 

Mr. Schumann shook David’s hand firmly somewhat ignoring me.

“You can start moving your stuff in any time you want. Here are the keys to your new place.”

“Thank you so much, that’ll be a big help to us and it was really nice to meet you,” David replied.

“Auf Wiedersehen!”

Wiedersehn!”

 We had a good feeling about the place and were excited to start our married life in this beautiful, new home. It was another big step in our future, combining belongings, creating a place together and hopefully making some new friends.

I leaned back in my seat content and happy and had no idea that all was not as it appeared.

Chapters

8

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Karamak wrote 368 days ago

Hi Elke, you have done a great job with setting the scene right from the opening and I enjoyed the dilemma that she found herself in I fell in love at 17 on holiday and ended up moving to live with the guy (only within the UK though) and that was a culture shock and we only lived a 100 miles apart! Love the loud Americans V funny!
This is a great book nicely written with real potential, highly stared and hope to make space on my bookshelf in the future, all the best Karen x

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 362 days ago

Elke,
From the old world to the new world, from culture and charm to cowboy living, what a dilemma your protagonist Ella faced. After the sweet early romance with David, things fell into perspective with Ella awakening to an alien environment. Your narrative is casual and easy to follow, your dialogue spare and apt. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Margaret Anthony wrote 360 days ago

Whilst this is not a genre I usually read I have no doubt it will appeal to many who enjoy a light, but entertaining story. Certainly from what I've read, this has a lot going for it. Nice clean and uncomplicated writing, snippets of wit and underlying it all the serious struggles of adopting another homeland and all that involves.
I can see you've had helpful advice on improving this which you may or may not use so I shall simply endorse the positive comments, star this and shelve it over the weekend. Margaret.

Hall-Crews wrote 356 days ago

What a lovely story of a woman's love for her man and her country. Right away the reader is endeared to Ella as we follow and share in her heartwrenching conflict. Nicely done!

L_MC wrote 353 days ago

Hi Elke, returning the read as promised. I've read eight chapters and the element that shines out to me, is how different David and Ella are and I can see that leading to all sorts of challenges for them.

The prologue where she wakens up In America works well to show her confusion and fear and I assume sets the tone for how she feels about her new country.

I found the meeting of the families a good contrast, which highlighted the differences in the couple - Ella worries about David meeting her parents, coaches and drills him on what to say and how to act. David simply announces his family are turning up and ambushes her with them.

David and Ella come from such different cultures and I think it's the description of those cultures and how they will adapt, not just to each other, but their new families and situations that is the strength and hook of their story.

Kady Colter wrote 150 days ago

Hi Elke,

I read through the 5th chapter and was pulled into the story at the club scene when she sees the guy. Everything else was basically back story. And it gave away the fact that she ended up with the American in America. Also, (I think I read where you said this was your first attempt at a novel -- correct me if I'm wrong) it seems many first
timers start out a book with a person waking up out of bed. Nightmares, etc. I'm thinking that if you start the book where she's watching the blonde dancing on the dance floor -- there's your hook. but he wiped perspiration/sweat on his hair? That would make his hair wet/greasy. I would think he would wipe it on his slacks. And in the 1st paragraph of the story you've used "me" 3 x's so switch it up.

Then you could work in back story with flashbacks -- very carefully because they're difficult to do -- into the story.

I think the story is well written. I noticed a few things like quote marks missing, small things that if you
go over it with a fine-tooth comb you'll catch those.

Also in Chapter 1, when you described a sky as being a "brilliant autumn sky" - red immediately popped into my mind because where I live, the evening skies when the sun is setting are pinkish and sometimes blood red. So you might
want to change that description because I'm thinking you're meaning the skies were blue.

Also, in most books, a main character wants something. What does the character want? She has to want it badly enough so there is conflict along the way until she gets it. In this book, it's feeling more like memoir. Put her in some tight spots so she can figure out how to get out of them.

Overall, interesting story to keep me turning pages and I'm giving you a high starring and backing on my book shelf.

Thanks in advance for returning the read. I highly starred and backed. ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac Merry Christmas!

Other than those house cleaning items

Kady Colter wrote 150 days ago

Hi Elke,

I read through the 5th chapter and was pulled into the story at the club scene when she sees the guy. Everything else was basically back story. And it gave away the fact that she ended up with the American in America. Also, (I think I read where you said this was your first attempt at a novel -- correct me if I'm wrong) it seems many first
timers start out a book with a person waking up out of bed. Nightmares, etc. I'm thinking that if you start the book where she's watching the blonde dancing on the dance floor -- there's your hook. but he wiped perspiration/sweat on his hair? That would make his hair wet/greasy. I would think he would wipe it on his slacks. And in the 1st paragraph of the story you've used "me" 3 x's so switch it up.

Then you could work in back story with flashbacks -- very carefully because they're difficult to do -- into the story.

I think the story is well written. I noticed a few things like quote marks missing, small things that if you
go over it with a fine-tooth comb you'll catch those.

Also in Chapter 1, when you described a sky as being a "brilliant autumn sky" - red immediately popped into my mind because where I live, the evening skies when the sun is setting are pinkish and sometimes blood red. So you might
want to change that description because I'm thinking you're meaning the skies were blue.

Also, in most books, a main character wants something. What does the character want? She has to want it badly enough so there is conflict along the way until she gets it. In this book, it's feeling more like memoir. Put her in some tight spots so she can figure out how to get out of them.

Overall, interesting story to keep me turning pages and I'm giving you a high starring and backing on my book shelf.

Thanks in advance for returning the read. I highly starred and backed. ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac Merry Christmas!

Other than those house cleaning items

Mark Cain wrote 155 days ago

Though as a guy, I don't normally read chick lit, I find this well done. Ella and David have two challenges, an age difference and a cultural one. The former always lessens over time, but four years is a very large amount of time when you're young.

The cultural difference is far more significant. Watching the two work to bridge the cultural divide is the greatest charm of this very nice tale. Good job!

Mark
HELL'S SUPER

J C Michael wrote 203 days ago

Not my usual genre at all but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the fact that this is well written. There were no glaring typos or grammatical errors although that's not a strong point either.
Plot wise I've got a couple of things. Picking out a pulsing vein from a distance in a nightclub? That seems a bit implausible, and the pushing and shoving in an effort to find him comes across as authentic but maybe a reference to how Sandra's apologies went unheard over the music may help convey the atmosphere.
Secondly the wearing of the same shirt seemed a little contrived. If this is genuine I'd expand upon how surprising it was, like something from a romance novel. If it isn't then why not just recognise the guy?
Having said that my comments are based on trying to find something to say as much as a need to say it. In which case if it helps great, if not then feel free to ignore.
James

Sue Harries wrote 232 days ago

A lovely book, have rated highly. Sue 'It's a Dog's Life'

zap wrote 264 days ago

Hallo, Elke,
I read chapter 1-6

The story starts with a tense moment and this immediately draws the reader right in. It serves as a good cliff-hanger as we want to find out more. What had brought her here, and how did it all happen?

I enjoyed the courting and the period where the couple is getting to know each other. You present the German characteristics in a friendly and interesting manner, and it is great to learn about festivals, customs and food.

The relationship starts with a basic attraction, but soon deepens as the couple try to overcome cultural differences. Slowly we begin to understand that they are worlds apart. Still, they love each other enough to want to overcome those things which separate them. The commitment on both sides keeps up the tension and drives the story forward.

The change of POV in chap3 seemed a little odd and didn't make sense. Other than that I thought that you handled the difficult challenge, i.e. writing a love story while presenting two different sets of life-style, really well. I consider this to be an informative as well as a pleasant read. Highly starred.

Ame
Wolfmother

Shelby Z. wrote 271 days ago

Ella In Between by Elke Beck.
The opener is easy and a good read. The style is fresh to me.
There is a great development of your plot and MC. She has a unique side to her that really sticks out.
The pace make this a very easy read. I like the cover and title, and the pitches are well crafted.
There isn't much to say but well done.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Patty Apostolides wrote 279 days ago

What a delightful romance story! The way Ella and David met in Germany was interesting, and how he came to her apartment when she was sick was quite touching. There are some endearing moments as the couple's relationship develops. I liked the descriptions of Germany and its traditions, particularly how they celebrate Christmas. I felt as if I were there.

Ella and David are two very different people, but it seems that's what attracts them to each other. This could cause challenges down the road, though. Ella's a tough cookie and isn't afraid to speak up if she doesn't like something, like when David made the pancakes and she didn't like them, then he gave her a Pop-Tart and she still didn't like it. She appears set in her ways. This could explain her difficulty in the first chapter when they're in America. However, David is such a soft, sugary, sweet guy who is happy most of the time, although a couple of occasions (when he slept with the window open, and when he argued with his father) described him more realistically.

The only thing that stood out was:
The POV is Ella's from the start, although one chapter changed the POV (I think Ch.3).

Great job and I rated it highly! Good luck with your writing!

Best,
Patty Apostolides
"The Greek Maiden and the English Lord"

Kathryn Ferrier wrote 280 days ago

Hi Elke,
I enjoyed this so much I had to read it all. The terrible flashback at the prologue pulled me in instantly.
In the beginning I didn’t see clearly what Ella and David liked about each other besides her good cooking, and the fact she found him attractive. And although you could show a bit more tenderness between them it is probably not needed because your style of writing is good. Chapter 3 could use some attention. The first three paragraphs are not being told by Ella. Also I noticed that your paragraphs are not indented; however once in a while there are indentions. If one indents it is best to use tab and make them all uniform.
I found myself compassionately cheering Ella on – through her defeats and growth, and her love for her boyfriend. I can’t wait to read the ending. It’s a beautiful romance.
All the best!
Kathi

Mumsie 1 wrote 285 days ago

Shirley, Thank you so much for the backing.I'm glad you enjoyed the read. Appreciate the support.

Okay, now on my shelf. I do enjoy it.

Shirley BBBW wrote 286 days ago

Okay, now on my shelf. I do enjoy it.

Shirley BBBW wrote 286 days ago

This is nicely written, funny and poignant. I enjoy it and I'll back it as soon I open room on my shelf.

Robert M. Carter wrote 292 days ago

Elke,

Not perhaps a genre I'd usually read but I'm always interested in something new and different views on life! I've only looked at the first couple of chapters but already the story is developing well. Your style is clear and easy to read. The only specific comment I can make so far is in the sentence "...why the hell did you've to bring David too..." I think "you have" would sound much better than "you've" here, but I'm British and maybe its a transatlantic thing! Anyway, best of luck.

Robert

Elayne wrote 296 days ago

Hi, I think this has a really poignant opening, and for its intended readership, I think it is perfect. There is a delightful build up of characters and although I have not completed all the chapters yet, ( I will be shortly) I can see the hooks that will keep readers page turning.

panhandle wrote 299 days ago

I think this might not be my genre. Even so, I cannot help but think the first part of this book is very well done. You seem to have a winner. Congratulations on that, and best wishes toward attracting attention for your work.

panhandle

Emma.L.H. wrote 304 days ago

Hello, Elke. I have to say, I was drawn into your story from the first few lines; great opening. This reads almost like a published book, it's very well-written and as far as I could see, free of typos. You've done a good job with the scenes and the skipping backwards and forwards in time; something that a lot of people find hard to pull off, so well done with that. You have a great way with words and your descriptions in particular vivid and well thought out. There's nothing I can think of to say to help you improve this, it's great the way it is! High stars and I wish you all the best with it, well done.

Maria Constantine wrote 304 days ago

Elke, I'm revisiting your book and find that the revisions you've made are an improvement to what was a good story to start with. There are so many parts that I love such as the description of six-year-old Ella's first experience of American soldiers in her country. The first chapter is effective in drawing the reader into Ella's world, wanting to find out more as you fluctuate from the present into the past - forming a strong foundation.
Highly starred today and I will continue to read your book with future backing too.
Maria (Georgina's Family)

A Nerdy Rogue wrote 304 days ago

Hey, I liked the idea and the way you were pulled in right from when you first take a look at the doc.
I found the characters to be well developed and the way that Ella's situation kept changing really kept the plotline moving, it was hard to stop reading and work on my book. Although ti didn't usually read genres like this i found your story to be very good. I didn't find too many things that needed to be edited besides a few typos.

high stars!

- Bree

Christine May wrote 305 days ago

Great start! You are a fine writer, seem to have perfected your English very nicely. It is good to show America what went on in the local peoples mind with foreign troops in your country for so long.
Look forward to reading more.
Christine

Schopar wrote 305 days ago

Hi. I have to say I didn't intend to read all of the 9 chapters. I'm new to authonomy, and get a lot of requests to read peoples stuff, but these 9 chapters flew by really quick. The writting is excellent, and I like the way you portrait David with the constant awesome this and great that....The characters are likable, and you can see why it's such a great piece.....I read in the comments that the story was in third person, and you did a re-write which was an excellent thing to do. I hope that someday soon I can read the whole thing somewhere.

HateFaceCore wrote 306 days ago

Great pitch and an even better story. Id be sad if you didn't continue such great writing. I like to read books where characters have a multitude of problems to overcome, and the main character had many. I see great promise in this work.

ahj wrote 306 days ago

Elke Beck: ‘Ella In Between’

Elke, from what I’ve read so far (Prologue and chapter one) I think you’re doing a great job. The first encounter of a young Ella with the American troops beautifully sets the scene, and the story flows from there quite naturally. Just avoid breaking that flow by cutting up paragraphs in too small units if they are connected as far as their content is concerned.

As far as the story itself goes, I’m familiar with the topic of living near a foreign army base, and I guess you’ve captured many people’s resentments towards that “intrusion” quite well. Moreover, many a relationship has sprung from chance encounters like the one you’re describing, so quite a number of people will be able to identify with the characters in your story.

However, I hope you don’t mind if I point out some suggestions concerning single words or expressions you used:
“During my short trip I had stubbed my toes. . . .” Maybe you should try to work that entire little passage into the paragraph preceding it so you can drop the past perfect, which sounds a bit awkward here, especially since you’re writing about something that only just happened.
“the explosion of sights”: I think that expression is a little misleading because it suggests that some sights (e.g. historical buildings or the like) are blown up; “onslaught (of visual impressions?)” might be a more appropriate choice of words.
“. . . and remember at that moment I felt . . .” That sentence reads weird. How about replacing that whole part with simply “, feeling”? (BTW, the following “then” should read “than”.)
“whom I began to associate with more regularly”: I think you mean “socialise”.
“my newest ‘muse’” > “my latest ‘muse’”?
Overall, you might want to add one or the other comma to properly set off inserted subordinate clauses, etc.

I’m looking forward to reading on soon. Happy writing!

ahj
‘The Third Wish’

Mumsie 1 wrote 309 days ago

Thank you so very much for your kind words.

Hi Elke,

You wrote to me a few days ago, asking if I'd return to check out your changes. I think all your hard work has definitely paid off! Your use of first person makes your story more immediate, drawing in your reader far more quickly and certainly than third person narration did. A smooth rewrite, and all the best with this!

Annette

Annette Russell wrote 310 days ago

Hi Elke,

You wrote to me a few days ago, asking if I'd return to check out your changes. I think all your hard work has definitely paid off! Your use of first person makes your story more immediate, drawing in your reader far more quickly and certainly than third person narration did. A smooth rewrite, and all the best with this!

Annette

ChristineRees wrote 310 days ago

Hey Elke,

I know I promised to do a read swap with you a long time ago, and I’m sorry it’s taken this long for me to finally get to it! Anyway, I’ll get to reading your story instead of apologizing a few more times.

Intriguing beginning, and one that a lot of people can definitely relate to. Having to move close to five times already, I can promise that there were a few times I wasn’t exactly thrilled about leaving my home, the one place I felt comfortable. Moving into a new place can be scary, and not one that someone would automatically think of as their real home.

The line, “Ssshhh ,shut up Thomas!” The comma is misplaced, I’m being nit-picky I know, but it’s easier for me to point them out to you then tell you there are a few grammar errors, and to review your entire prologue in search for one.

You should still look it over because I am no grammar expert, and might miss a few problems. It’s always better to read your work out loud. It makes it easier to spot misplaced commas, or missing ones for that matter. Just a thought. I have the same problem.

The last sentence of your prologue needs some tweaking. I had to read it a few times before I understood it. Maybe break it up into two sentences? Or insert a comma?

I really like what I’ve read so far. It’s interesting, and captivating. You do a great job or switching from the past to the present, and changing the scenes entirely. It’s still a little rough around the edges, but it has great potential.

Highly starred.

Christine Rees
Spark

nightskyfantasy wrote 311 days ago

I like this quite a bit better now. The flashback is easier to read, while the part at the beginning - not really changed all that much - makes a reader want to know more. The setting is well described, or the forest at any rate. Ella's personality is inferred quite well from the simple fact that she doesn't feel comfortable speaking English when it isn't her native language. It is shorter and more to the point now, which is definitely an improvement. There are still a few commas missing, and a couple of awkward sentences, but again, it is easier to read now. I think it's much better, and while it is still far from perfect (then again, what book is close to perfect?) I will back it.

Peace and snowflakes,
Nightskyfantasy

Sue Harries wrote 313 days ago

added to WL will back as soon as space, very well written.
Sue 'It's a Dog's Life'

JMF wrote 314 days ago

Coming back to take another look. I think this works very well in first person. It draws the reader into the story more and allows them to feel empathy with the mc. Well done!
I think you need to separate the prologue from the first chapter on Autho. as it is rather long as it stands at the moment and may put a few readers off.
All the best with this.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Mumsie 1 wrote 316 days ago

Thanks and yes I was thinking the same already and will fix the Quotation marks. thanks so much for giving it another read.
Elke

I definitely think that this is better in first person. The only thing that makes it hard to read is the speech. You start every new sentence within a piece of speech with a another set of speech marks, which made me think that someone different was speaking. It would be easier to follow if the same person's speech was written as a paragraph with one set of speech marks. If that makes sense.

Otherwise, an interesting and emotional read so far.

Phoenix Grey
Shadow of the Moon

Phoenix Grey wrote 317 days ago

I definitely think that this is better in first person. The only thing that makes it hard to read is the speech. You start every new sentence within a piece of speech with a another set of speech marks, which made me think that someone different was speaking. It would be easier to follow if the same person's speech was written as a paragraph with one set of speech marks. If that makes sense.

Otherwise, an interesting and emotional read so far.

Phoenix Grey
Shadow of the Moon

TDonna wrote 318 days ago

Elke, really enjoyed this :) My husband was stationed at Hahn and then at Zweibrucken, but he visited Bitburg (a long, long, long time ago :)). I loved your unique expressions, which as a fellow European born, understood perfectly. Your writing flows very well. Good pace, too. Interesting. I'll return and read on over the next several days. Sehr, sehr gut, meine Liebe!
Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

rutheb248 wrote 319 days ago

Hi Elke, loving the first person, it really draws the person in and you feel like they're telling you only what's happening x

Wendy Proteau wrote 324 days ago

Elke,
I've started reading and got through several chapters, all i have time for now...but one day, i'll get through it all. First of the cover needs to be something special...that should be your next step. The pitch is okay, but i think you can do better to leave the reader wondering. Think of it as the blurb on the back of the book...draw them in.

I really like your style and storyline. I did notice the odd misplaced punctuation, and perhaps it's the difference in countries, but there are times you do miss putting in needed words or add some that are irrelevant. But no worries, nothing a solid edit won't fix.

I like the prologue that draws the reader instantly and we are left wondering what could have this poor woman crying on a phone in the wee hours of the morning.

The style is flowing, and you seem to weave pieces here and there to leave the reader guessing. For example, dabbling back to her childhood memories of seeing the Americans for teh first time, not only lays out the premise of the undertone of the book, but also as a reader, we're left wondering at the relevance, which i something you don't understand until later.

The main character is endearing....we get to see her at various stages as she grows and learns. I most enjoyed the little bits of humor placed within her inner dialogue. It is how most people talk to themselves in many situations. She's determined, strong and definately a great MC.

As you draw bits of the story, it's very easy to sink into the reading. Description and detail is the best feature of your style. It gives the reader a sense of surroundings, feelings....the only think i wished was for a description of the MC at the very start when she's out clubbing. It would help me picture things a bit more. You go into much detail about David, from his hair, eyes, and what he wears...but i'm left wondering at Ella, Sandra, Sean...etc.

Once you sort out punctuation, it will be an even more powerful story. I like how we get to see her smitten, fall in love and then face the challenges of emmigrating to the US. You paint the picture well, and i'm really glad she got the letter of welcome.

All my best with this...it truly deserves to raise up in the ranks....starred highly and backed for a bit.

Wendy

Philthy wrote 325 days ago

Hi Elke,
I’m here for our read swap. SOOO very sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are my humblest opinions and just initial impressions, so take them for whatever they’re worth. You know your book better than I do, after all.
Chapter one
Love the intro paragraph. Really sets the mood.
I think you can drop “of America,” as people will know what you’re talking about.
“travel and immigration” What about the immigration? I think this ought to be stretched out a bit. Paint the picture rather than telling us. Especially in this case, showing vs. telling is very important, because it enables us to sympathize with the MC.
I’d drop “innocent.” Doesn’t really add anything here.
“hopelessly tangling herself in her covers” seems odd. What makes hopelessness and tangling in the covers fit together? I’d drop “hopelessly”
You have five consecutive paragraphs beginning with pronouns: It, Her, She, She, She. Might consider varying it up.
I read through the prologue and first chapter. This is quite a story! Excellent dialogue and you do a wonderful job of keeping the pace going. I could have stood for more imagery to take me into the scene, but the writing is fairly polished and the MCs are likable.
Very well done. High stars!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Emma Barnaby wrote 329 days ago

Hi Elke,
The idea behind ‘Ella in Between’ is unusual and opens up lots of opportunities for cross-cultural explorations. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought and effort into the book and I hope it does well for you.
I noticed a few minor things:
- I’m not sure about the tense in the first paragraph: should it be ‘he had fallen asleep…’
- There are a few areas which could do with some editing: e.g. in the prologue ‘mouth’s gaping open’ and ‘flyover’s’ these don’t need apostrophes. End of the prologue ‘unwilling to except changes’ – this should be accept.
- It might be a formatting issue but in some sections it looks like every sentence is on a new paragraph which breaks the flow up a bit.
I’m keeping the book on my watchlist and will read some more when I get chance.
Best wishes
Emma
‘Lord Seeks Wife’

GCleare wrote 329 days ago

Your writing is excellent and very impressive for the fact English is your not your native language. They are a cute couple and after reading three chapters, I wonder what is going to become of them? Good luck with this, high stars from me! ~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

fledglingowl wrote 331 days ago

Elke,
Good beginning to a promising story. After the first three, will try an RCG review since this opens as a romance.
Pitch - suggest you remove the words of praise from the short blurb. I'm sure it is warm, endearing and witty, but always prefer a more objective description of the book. The long pitch is excellent.
Plot - clear from the beginning what the problem will be for the characters and you move along effectively toward that end. Like the opening.
Ch 1 was a bit confusing. You have her awaken in 1995, then see her future husband in the club in 91 when she is twenty-three. Then you are talking about her apartment and begin, After finishing high school and a 3-year internship. (I wasn't sure if she was 17 in the club when she saw him, or 23?). The flashback to her time as a child seems awkward here. I think it's important for pointing out some of their relationship obstacles, but might come earlier, before their meeting).
Pacing - varies a lot from chapter to chapter. You are telling your story, showing more and using more dialogue will increase the pace.
Spelling/Grammar - I always hate to list things, but it helps me so much, hope you will take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
Ch. 1. you have 'perfect in every task' in the last sentence, then open the next paragraph repeating perfectly
David shut Ella -- typo, maybe David shot Ella
Ch. 2
in very beginning - maybe in the very beginning
You got to - maybe You've got to
The description of his strange outfit was awkward. Maybe shorten to 'he would freeze since he was sockless in worn sneakers and tight shorts with only his very hairy legs to keep him warm.'
ended conversation civil - ended civilly?
further mingling - meddling?
Go ahead then and walk out then - go ahead and walk out then?
Ch.3
we'd march of to church - typo - off to church
How long did you go there for? - go there?
wreath glisten unobstrusive behind- wreathes glistened behind
padded his arm - typo- patted his arm
Dialogue - I wanted a lot more. More arguments and more sweet talk.
Voice/style - promising
Characterization - Was surprised by the names, Ella, Sandra, Thomas - sounded so English.
Did a good job on both your major characters - again, let them do more and say more to convey their attitudes rather than telling us what they are.
Good job. High stars. Best to you in your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Katie Ridley wrote 332 days ago

Hi Elke, I've read your first chapter and enjoyed the personal point of you you tell it in. The fragility and strength of Ella is appealing and the pace is quite fast, which I like. Well done and good luck.
Katie Ridley, 'The Last Message'.

Mumsie 1 wrote 336 days ago

Thank you kindly for the honest and helpful critique. Will get to your book soon:)
Elke

I've read the first few chapters of your book. The story itself is lovely but I think some of the mechanics might be tightened up. If you haven't read Stein on Writing or Self Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Brown. Both enormously helpful. Really watch your use of exclamation points - they're pretty much a no no. Yes, you do see them in published books. And after you get published you can put some in...they stop editing you after you get published a time or two. Also, the use of passive verbs like was, is , has, be...any time you see that in your work try to think of a different way to write the sentence. For example, nstead of "He was cooking" you would write "He cooked." Things like that. You'd be surprised at the difference it makes in how a book reads. I've been red penciled so many times in my own work on these sort of things and at first I didn't like it much, but it really improved my writing.

KAODonnell wrote 336 days ago

I've read the first few chapters of your book. The story itself is lovely but I think some of the mechanics might be tightened up. If you haven't read Stein on Writing or Self Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Brown. Both enormously helpful. Really watch your use of exclamation points - they're pretty much a no no. Yes, you do see them in published books. And after you get published you can put some in...they stop editing you after you get published a time or two. Also, the use of passive verbs like was, is , has, be...any time you see that in your work try to think of a different way to write the sentence. For example, nstead of "He was cooking" you would write "He cooked." Things like that. You'd be surprised at the difference it makes in how a book reads. I've been red penciled so many times in my own work on these sort of things and at first I didn't like it much, but it really improved my writing.

Elizabeth Kathleen wrote 339 days ago

Hi Elika, I read your book and it is very nice to read the love story between you and your husband. I believe my favorite part was when you received the letter back from your father-in-law. I'm so glad he made you feel loved and welcomed. It's a wonderful thing, family! May God bless you, here, in your new adoptive country. /God bless you for sharing your story!
God bless,
Elizabeth Kathleen

IA wrote 339 days ago

I've read a section of your book, and I find myself really liking the premise and struggling a little with the tone of your story. I know I'm a cynic in many ways--I do have a romantic side--but I'm often moved more when an story is more understated. That said, I cringe when my wife wants to watch Pretty Woman or You've Got Mail for the millionth time. I like It Happened One Night and Pride and Prejudice for the irony, the snappy dialogue and the sense that the romance grows out of real characters battling plausible challenges with humor and passion. Sadness and loneliness are essential--and some might argue that loneliness is the great American theme--but if you ever feel that you're getting maudlin, stop. And think of ways that might pull out the emotions in a scene in ways that are original and stunning. Now there's a mountain for any writer. Good luck and thanks for looking over my novel.

Phoenix Grey wrote 344 days ago

I like the way you introduced the story in the prologue. It was effective as a hook, to draw you into the story. There were a few places (in chapter one) where it seemed as though there were commas missing, but other than that, well written.

Chrissie B wrote 344 days ago

Hi Elke

This is a lively and engaging story. It reads well and the pace is good.

Best of luck with it.

Chrissie
Missing Charlie

JMF wrote 348 days ago

I am here for our reading swap and I have read the first three chapters. I enjoyed reading your book - you write fluently and it is very easy to read. Well done.
I have noticed a couple of points which you may take or leave as you see fit, I won't be offended.
I note that you slip into David's point of view in Ch 2 and I think it would be better if you stick with Ella's. By doing this the reader will be able to become more attached to Ella and her experiences. By swapping I feel, the reader is distanced a little from her.
A couple of nitpicks:
'how great of a guy' should be 'how great a guy' in Ch 2
'mother's were busy' should be 'mothers' in Ch 3
All in all this is great read which should appeal to the Chicklit market.
I wish you well with your writing.
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper

LittleMissWriter17 wrote 348 days ago

Hi! Only read the first chapter, but I really loved it :) Your writing is very interesting, and intriguing! I shall be back to read more :) Highly starred!

Lupo wrote 351 days ago

Hi Elke

I've read thru some of your book and so far found it to be witty and the mc endearing, I think you have a good thing going for the chick lit type. The writing flows well too. God job. Cheers! Carina

Nancy Lopez wrote 351 days ago

Hi, Elke,

Your opening paragraph does pull me in. The way you broke down this first chapter is understandable.

Okay, on your end you have your pages broken down. On here as you know its all one long sheet.
Look closely on your pages. Many of your opening paragraphs look like this:
She curled up
She knew she was
She made sure
She couldn't think
She realized...

Try not to have alot of these on a single page...makes the wrting stoic.
Also, you have a paragraph that opens with Stoically, that sentence can be rewritten to avoid opening with that ly word. Your novel has a tone and story line for an older readeship and thus the language and ways of expression also changes.

Here we go again-pay atention:
Ella's mind
Ella carefully
Ella's apartment
Ella was Ella thought
Ella felt......

All these are telling sentences. The way I was taught-as a writer- don't tell us what she felt -or saw -or realized, but show was how it made her feel and what her eyes stared at.

I make all these same mistakes myself, and the more I go over my story- I screw something else up..just the way it goes. Feedback helps all of us iron out all the wrinkles.

Happy writing,
Nancy Lopez
backward Glances

L_MC wrote 353 days ago

Hi Elke, returning the read as promised. I've read eight chapters and the element that shines out to me, is how different David and Ella are and I can see that leading to all sorts of challenges for them.

The prologue where she wakens up In America works well to show her confusion and fear and I assume sets the tone for how she feels about her new country.

I found the meeting of the families a good contrast, which highlighted the differences in the couple - Ella worries about David meeting her parents, coaches and drills him on what to say and how to act. David simply announces his family are turning up and ambushes her with them.

David and Ella come from such different cultures and I think it's the description of those cultures and how they will adapt, not just to each other, but their new families and situations that is the strength and hook of their story.

Eileen Kardos wrote 354 days ago


This pitch does its job well, in outlining this story and the emotionalism involved. I think its main readership would be young women and teenagers who may not have travelled but who want to read about someone who has. It sounds sweet and romantic and sentimental, and will appeal to chick lit readers.

When she is suddenly on the dance floor, with her knees going weak for the beautiful body of the man she’ll later marry, I don’t think you should veer off into a recollection of the first American soldiers she met as a child. Though that is part of the set-up in her town, I don’t think this is the best place for this flashback. Right now, I want her to meet this guy and I want to see what gets them together in the first place.

You might, when you snap back into the disco scene, want to leave an extra space between those sections, to highlight the time shift. Then when she doesn’t manage to meet him, that’s a good place to end that section, or of that first chapter perhaps.

It’s a nice twist that she meets him again when she is ill and at her worst – this is classic romantic comedy.

I wonder – have you written a version of this in German, for a possible German/Swiss/etc readership? It would be the other side of the coin.

I wish you well with this,
Eileen Kardos

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