Book Jacket

 

rank 5904
word count 10119
date submitted 02.11.2011
date updated 02.01.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Children's, Young...
classification: universal
incomplete

Stone Lancer

Phillip Lowe

An alternate Europe where many of the megafauna and megaflora didn't become extinct, the Feldren (homosapiens) share the world with the Stromadians (Nedandertals).

 

After their village is destroyed, two boys, a Strom and a Feldren, set out on a journey to travel thousands of miles, meeting a Stromadian soldier and a former Prince on their travels and unknowingly become mixed up in a massive political mission to transport a Stone Lancer to the Stromadian king for his coronation. A Cabal of conspirators plot in the shadows to prevent the Stone Lancer from reaching the new King, their strings pulled by the all powerful Synod, the council of 12 religious leaders of the Tore religion.

 
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tags

, adventure, alternate, alternate history alternate reality alternate universe alternate world alternate worlds, alternate worlds, alternative his...

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Philip el Pallasso wrote 856 days ago

Thanks for your feedback,
I searched through the book to check for past/present tense grammatical errors, I'm dyslexic so i found it difficult but I knew there would be some hiding away somewhere thanks for spotting it. I intended it to be all in past tense.

the same goes for the numbers i purposely wrote out all the numbers in words and again felt that there would be a few that had slipped passed the editing process.

Looks like ill have to the give the whole book another going over, there are a few more errors than i had thought

I always found chapter 3 difficult to write as it was difficult to keep track of the characters in it and I had a feeling that a rewrite would be in order

Thank you very much for your feed back it was a big help

Karataratakas wrote 856 days ago

Hello, Philip :)

You have a very interesting idea here, the alternate earth scenario is always a favourite of mine and tensions between species is an added bonus. I also like that this story breaks away from the traditional medieval fantasy setting and further into the early modern, and would be pleased to see more.

Now, there are two main things I'm struggling with as I read. One is the tendency for infodumping, especially in chapter three where the various names of people suddenly introduced often left me confused as to who certain characters were or which side they were on. You've obviously put a lot of thought and effort into the world around your story, which is commendable, but I think you should find a way to perhaps spread this information out more, let the reader have some time to absorb what you've already told them before moving on with more information.

The second thing is the constant tense changes. For example "As he gets home his uniform has been laid out by Raven. It was made of toughened leather trousers..." this should either read "When he got home, his uniform had been laid out by Raven. It was made of toughened leather trousers..." or "As he gets home his uniform has been laid out by Raven. It is made of toughened leather trousers..." You seem not to know whether you want to use past or present tense, so you should decide and edit the manuscript to reflect that. I would recommend using past tense, as it's the commonest form of story-telling.

There are also a few typo/punctuation issues, in the first paragraph of your first chapter you use the numeral '1' twice, in cases where it should have been written out as 'one'. In chapter three I noticed you used 'ut' where you clearly meant 'it' on one occasion and 'hitthe' is missing the space between the 'hit' and the 'the'. In the first chapter "What have you been told?" she said, "you are going with your father..." should be "What have you been told?" she said. "You are going with your father..." and there are a few other small errors like that.

So edit with a careful eye and good luck! :)
Karataratakus

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