One of the hardest things I found after losing my first spouse was the letting go of wearing a wedding ring; to me the vows I had made through marriage were sacred, even after the engagement to my second spouse, I continued to wear my wedding band on a chain around my neck (check that out for a metaphor) I guess it was a comfort thing, needing to have it close. How could I possibly move on with life while still holding on to past sentiments? It took several more years to release those emotional hooks, in fact many years really to let go of an attachment that did not serve me or anyone else in my life. And we just love our comforts, just as a baby holds onto its blanket or soother; wow I had not grown and was thinking that I was all mature in my thirties.
Here I mentioned that grief can and does on subtle levels last for many years if we do not face our emotions and deal with them/ One wakeup call of memory was around 4 years after the death of my first spouse, deciding to redecorate a room, busy stripping the wallpaper, underneath where I uncovered the words of love written by him for me. I felt a shock wave and the tears just flowed as I felt the trauma of the grief hit me once more.
A friend happened to visit and was so perplexed as she couldn’t understand why after so many years I was still so vulnerable to the emotion of loss. To all intense and purposes I was remarried and happy. I believe that day I looked a little deeper at my own insecurities and let go a little more. It helped when I called in the memory of my spouse saying how he had wanted me to live fully and move on after his passing. He had moved on, so why couldn’t I?
On introspection it was a sense of guilt, of being disloyal, of enjoying my life, what will people think; all of it was there within me. I seriously had to take time to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings, to measure if I was fully and freely living life, being who I truly was, if not then I was withholding all gifts from the world. It can take time, yes! Yet we owe it to our loved ones to be fully who we are and not just a shadow of our former selves.
After the second bout of being widowed I still found it hard to remove my ring, proving that I must have had really old and deep patterns and beliefs, a little more to remove. This time though it was more short lived. While busily dusting furniture my mind all but empty, I heard a voice tell me to remove my ring. Checking around to see if anyone was there, I turned saw no one. I pretended I did not hear a thing, oops, the voice came back. Again it repeated along with more words of “it is not needed, it is mere jewellery”. Could you believe it, there before me was my jewellery box.
This all felt true to me on some level and I did just as asked, all with ease and a wonderful feeling of detachment, it was so freeing, a feeling as such I had never felt before. Awakening to the fact that it was I that had created my attachment, there are no set rules we are free to choose.
As a free soul my spouse did not wish for me to hold myself back; I still had a lot of living to do, hiding behind a ring would not help in that. It was amazing to give myself permission to detach, so much so that today I no longer wear a wedding band, it shrank or maybe I grew, however it was removed, I am fine, happy and married once more for over 16 years. Now that is freedom, the freedom my late partners taught me. We all continue, our loved ones and us, we support each other in that journey.
My son had called me the week before his death. He was getting engaged and wanted to chat. At the end of our conversation he asked if I was happy; my reply was extremely so. To which he lovingly said ‘I am glad mum, if you are happy then I am happy.” All I could do was cry,
I didn’t know why those words had affected me so deeply. Now on looking back I see I had a sense at soul level that something was ending, that was our last conversation before he died.
A year before he had told me that he knew that there was more than this life , that he wanted to live a little more before he would check it out as he was only 21. That was actually the last time I saw him as I moved to Canada and he was serving in Germany with the British Army. Lee was always telling me to move on with my life; he seemed to know.
At his funeral the undertaker had told me that he was looking forward to Lee’s funeral. I must admit I was a little taken back. His reason because he knew that Lee had lived a full life for his young years, your family are easy to work with, never afraid to laugh or cry when the moment calls for it. Why wouldn’t we laugh, we did when our loved one was alive; it pains them if we remain sad or lost.
Thankfully it seems that funerals are now changing, we tend to hold more of a celebration of life than it used to be a few short years ago. Losing a child is particularly devastating as any parent would tell you, we have nurtured that soul from birth and it matters not at what age that child leaves, it is the same heart wrenching experience; we can no longer check in with them, we don’t know where they are; are they ok. Especially when death was sudden. It took me much longer with a deeper pain than experienced before; I cried silently a lot, I prayed a lot.
Five to six years later I was so afraid to ‘go in’ and feel the pain fully, afraid I wouldn’t come out again I might lose myself! It was odd to me that I had so much awakening through grief, yet was still feeling so much pain with all that knowledge of the soul’s journey. Again one night in my silent tears and gut wrenching pain I called out WHY.
Within seconds I received an intensely deep teaching that was profound, not written down I can only share in layman’s terms what was said. I was given to understand that my son had gone nowhere, he had merely changed energies, his body was left behind, because we are made of the same energies as this universe our essence is left, we can stop and feel that full essence of character at anytime we choose.
As this was being explained to me I could literally feel my son as close if not closer to me than ever, it was an incredible experience that will remain with me always. Spiritually I understood even more of whom we are and what gifts are there for us if we would question and remain open to receive. Healing takes a while and has to be on all levels to complete the process.
A few years after this awakening there was yet a small residue to clear, to do this I visited a grief councilor, she was happy with the process that I had gone through up to that time, I was very much relieved at this as to relay my experiences to a stranger was making pretty vulnerable, after all it was my journey. However it seems that there was thing that I hadn’t completed such a simple thing. I had never said goodbye physically out loud.
After all my insights I thought it couldn’t be that simple, at home later that day I looked at a photo of Lee and broke and said goodbye, I miss you. It worked; from that day on I could talk of him without a tear, just happiness.
There is no right or wrong way, it is a personal journey for each of us; remaining open to new idea’s is all that is needed as we are not who we think we are. Or that which others think we are, we are not our bodies, we are energy, an essence of all our experiences and thoughts. Continuing to move from one vibration to another, a little like the electric current that runs through the light bulb, we can switch on and off. Now you see me now you don’t; yet I am still here!