Book Jacket

 

rank 3343
word count 18672
date submitted 05.11.2011
date updated 01.12.2011
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Historic...
classification: universal
incomplete

House At The Hole in The Sky

Guy Cox

Birding guide Robert Painter must make it to the heart of the forest if he is to save the Guarayo people and their rainforest homeland.

 

Robert Painter is a typical white guy: university education, rational worldview, comfortable job, emotionally isolated and desperately lost. For him to begin to feel alive something extraordinary needs to happen to him. Not just sex or drugs, something mythological.

He is about to step into the shamanic dreamworld of the Guarayo. In the Bolivian rainforest he will walk the Guarayo Ten Steps of the Dead - a mythical voyage the soul undertakes after death. On his way through the forest, persued by Drug Enforcement operatives, Painter sees the past unfold and, as he becomes aware of the living spirit world around him, he discovers the secret to the survival of the Gurayo people.

Two hundred years before, Aramana, the old shaman, sends Luis, last Cacique Guarayo, forward in time in search of the One Who Will Unify The Lands. Will they meet before Spanish mercenaries, intent on finishing off resistence to their mission plans, complete their job?

HHTS uses original documents and Guarani mythology to bring to life a forgotten story of love, honour and betrayal. This is historical fiction as colourful, enthralling and intricately interwoven as the rainforest it portrays.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

adventure, afterlife, birding, birds, birdwatching, bolivia, forest, indigenous people, rainforest, shaman, spirit

on 2 watchlists

18 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

4

report abuse

Ch 3 (part 2): Bird Guide

Yes, he was there all right, leading the last of his children to good palm food and what danger now noisemaker was down the track, weak-odored white beings in front, fragile, old, standing high, looking.  We went right through them what danger?

The band of peccaries walked right past them, each person becoming aware of the low hunched shapes at different moments.  Robert just managed to say, look! in whispered tones to those around him.  He saw Carol turn round in surprise, almost in slow motion before, for an uncertain period of time, everyone seemed to freeze as the troop walked calmly between them; hoary old sows, a couple of young bucks nuzzling the little ones through as they passed by, so close that Robert saw the yellowed projecting canines of a gray-snouted old male passing within a couple of paces of where he was, a musky smell filling the air.  About forty five animals in all, stiff-haired, mud-spattered coats, walking delicately, as on tiptoe, standing still every now and then and stamping hind feet to displace flies, they came wandering through the undergrowth, led by the heavy old sow out in front.

Then someone must have moved, or maybe the pigs caught their scent.  A bark went up from the lead sow and, just as they had been so unafraid a moment before, now they all bolted off in a second with a thundering of hooves and a clashing of teeth.  When out of sight the barking and tooth clacking increased so that it sounded like the herd might be regrouping for a charge.

Should we get up a tree?  Jimmy was standing quite close behind Robert.  The sound of his voice, practical, concerned only to make the correct response in the situation, startled Robert out of the trance-like state he had been in.

No, it’s alright, they’ve gone, they won’t come back now, we’re safe.  Robert did not know how he knew this, but he was sure they were in no danger.  His voice carried a calming assurance that seemed to convince even Carol, who looked up and just said, Wow.

Oh my God, how fantastic, they were just here, walking so calmly around, right in front of us!  I can’t believe it, enthused Janet who came up, whispering urgently, Tom close behind.

Wendy, who had been with Graeme and Lynne when the pigs arrived, walked carefully back.  That was incredible!  I feel so humbled, one brushed right past my leg, she whispered.

Doug had tried to get his camera out, then thought better of it, he recounted.  He was still holding it in front of him now, and brought it up to focus on the place where one animal had been.  That’s barely four feet away, he exclaimed as the autofocus whirred.

Another deep thundering sounded distantly in front and confirmed Robert’s hunch; the herd had stampeded again and gone further away.  They would not come back now.

Thrilled, stilled, in awe of the forest, its ferns hanging in sun pools from high boughs, rustling illumined greens and a little butterfly, deep umber and rust, blown skipping down the road on a personal breeze, the group followed Robert’s lead and sat down in line on the hard mud verge.  He opened the cooler and passed round lunch packs.

You can still really smell them, said Carol taking out a sandwich.

The scent, it seemed to Robert, hung especially over wet places, like that damp patch there on the road, seemingly the source of a particularly acrid overtone to the general pigsmell.  There was something in the fermenting mud of puddle water that harmonised and combined damp earth and rainwet forest, carved up by sharp hooves, where the scent would stay for days.

But Robert, eating, was troubled by a thought, as if he imagined he half saw something he was looking for, or was striving to remember a morning dream that had escaped out of the window.  What was it he had not seen?

Tadahuda, Tadahuda, the word bumped around in his head, where had he heard it?  What did it mean?

 

It was almost late afternoon.  The rays of the sun were at less than forty-five degrees, he was turning orange and visible through bare trunks, Cuco singing loudly from the trees, when the pick-up announced its returning presence.

Out on the grassland once more they stopped for a spectacular male Swallow-tailed Hummingbird close to the road and, by the time they got back to Louise’s trap and the junction, the sun was low above the horizon, blazing red, impaled on the top spike of a lone dead tree.

They got out one last time, cameras clicked pensively and Robert, with the aid of his recorder, enticed Collared Crescentchest, one of the grassland specialities, out of his low haunts in the grass clumps for long enough for all the group to see well.  Shadows of far off bushes crept up and cooled the air.

Deep orange cloud hung in the south and an early moon, a thin silvery smile, revealed herself up above.

People, tired now after a full day in the field and thinking of hot showers and food, stretched and got back in for the last drive back to camp.

The pick-up would not start.  Alex tried the ignition again and again but the engine would not fire, the contact just went click.  Nothing.

Amid groans, Robert got out from the back and noticed that Alex the driver had opened his door but made no move to get down from the vehicle.  Graeme was the first round to the front, his fingers quickly finding the latch that opened the bonnet.  Robert came level with the driver’s door and asked Alex what was the matter.

One of the locally born guards working at Los Fierros as the result of a recent hiring spree on the part of the park administration, the young, broad-faced Alex pointed to his right foot.

I’m sorry, Don Roberr, I can put no weight on the foot, I stepped on spine of chonta palm last night.

Robert saw the foot was inflamed and heavily bandaged under the white football sock and he recalled that he had not seen Alex get out of the car all day.  Robert went to the front as Alex, nobly hobbling up from behind, came up to the open engine housing bearing a flashlight.

Graeme, on the other side, brought his head up and indicated rapidly inside with a slim hand.  In his English accent he said, it’s no good.  Alternator belt’s gone.

Well, can’t we bump start it? there’s plenty of us.

That’s just it.  The battery’s flat, and not charging off the alternator.  There’s no current getting to the sparks, see, Graeme pointed briefly down to the top of the engine, no good pushing her.  Have to tow her or fit a new belt.

Well at least we got through to here, Robert thought, imagining the scene if they had still been up in the forest now.  Here, if they had no light, at least it was open and unthreatening country, they were on a good road, with plenty of water and even some sandwiches left.  It was about a two and a half hour quick hike back to camp.

Meanwhile, inside the cabin, Lynne, with her square glasses and unlikely head shape, was explaining proudly to the others that Graeme’s job in Lockheed was something terribly hush-hush, her American accent using English phrases, and that he’s absolutely a wizard with all things mechanical.

Robert thought quickly, then explained to the group his intention to walk to camp and come back with the tractor.  It would take him about four hours.

He’d be back by nine thirty, ten.  It didn’t sound so bad. They would have the moon for another hour or so.  Graeme at least, tinkering around under the bonnet, seemed happy enough with their situation.  Robert was surprised to hear him speaking fluent Spanish to Alex, instructing him to bring something from the cabin.  Alex limped back and started digging around under the driver’s seat.

I’d offer to come with you but, I don’t know, it must be the heat, I’m really whacked, said Carol from the front seat.

That’s alright, I’ll be fine.  Look after yourselves while I’m gone, he said amid the waves.  Seeing the group settle down to sit out an unplanned but manageable problem with staunch good humour, he took out his torch and started down the road at a good pace towards the distant forest treeline.

The evening was warm and beautiful, the late orange sunset had faded into deep cerulean and the young moon, near the heads of the Twins, began to show her old face.  Sirius setting, Mars rising close by Antares behind.  The clear evening sky was rimed only by the lowlit cloudbank to the south, almost a dark continuation of the luminous, ghostlike plateau to the north.

He made good time; nightjars called and, white tailsopts flashing, got up ahead of him on the road.  He heard the pygmy owls starting up again in the closing forest line to his right and as he approached the bridge a large owl swooped across.  The forest in front was a wall of hushed stridulant insect sound.

He crossed the bridge and pitched into a different atmosphere, a pulsating darkness, lit only by the last minutes of moonlight in the highest branches.  The road sloped quite steeply up in front and round to the right.  Leaning into the slope he went through a patch of warmer, damper air and Robert’s eyes went down.  He heard the flutter of large wings just above and stopped, poised, moving his eyes only to look up.

There was, quite simply, the figure of a man standing in front of him on the road.  A shape that had not been there a moment earlier.

A man?  yes, but somehow undefined, with indefinite edges to his body, as if reflected in water, only he was at the same time brighter and more real, more clear than the surroundings.  An Indian, naked, braid-haired, his shoulders and upper arms red, two black armbands on each biceps.  Tucked in one band a small roll with a burnt end.  His lower half, showing gray in the wan light of Robert’s torch, had been rubbed with ashes.

Robert just stood there as if suspended in time.  He could still think clearly and continued to see and hear everything while the man, features somehow indistinct, about, how far away, difficult to tell, slightly above him on the road, stared at him intently, levelly, with a very slight smile.

Robert found he could not move.

The Indian stepped back slightly and moved his arm that he should follow, that they should go together, forward, off to the left.  Robert discerned the route of a subtle path, no more than a trail of trodden leaves through yielding bushes weaving through dark trunks away from the road.  The way through the undergrowth seemed to emanate a radiance that lit the close vegetation.  The native in front of him shone with the same light.  He motioned again.

Although Robert could not feel his body, he felt himself starting to move forward, not like walking, it was just his awareness moving forward, and a sudden calm, a lack of fear came over him, together with a sharp focusing of the mind, so that he had time to take in every detail in the veins and pattern of passing leaves.  He felt warm and safe.

The Indian smiled, went on ahead of him a short distance till the scattered shimmering bushes gave way to a small clearing amongst giant buttress roots.  The ground was hard-trodden earth.  Towards one side a thread of smoke came from embers in a small depression beside a flat stone.  Behind the hearth, a short, thick-woven hammock was saddled between two close trees, shadows jutting up suddenly into blackness.  On the ground behind stood wide banana leaves giving a curving roof and back wall to the hammock.  Robert sensed there was a stream, or water, nearby.

The Indian crouched by the fire and Robert’s vision moved down too.  The Indian blew into the small red heart once, evenly, gently.  He moved away and a single flame lit in the coals.

Then the Indian took the small roll from his armband, lit the end, and inhaled.

He looked closely at Robert across the fire as the whole place began to dance with an ethereal orange flickering light and he said two words, or perhaps just one.  He said, in a flat, slightly nasal tone, Kurupi Vira.

Then, throwing back his head, he blew out the smoke in a thin plume which climbed and spread above them in the still air.

 

Robert saw the giant distant structures above and felt the pressing presence of living beings around.  His vision moved, blown upwards, through the great, uniquely rough, reaching figures of the trees and he saw, after breaking through shining white-green leaves, from above, the forest, warm and peaceful, to every horizon.  In the far distance the luminous cliffs of the plateau, below and behind him a silver-black water, a moving rippled swathe, white boles reflecting symmetrically on its far side.  The light was moonlight but brighter, different.  The time was not now.

He heard rhythmic music and saw the pulsing red of a great fire far below in a clearing, saw luminous animal shapes like neon figures, dancing, shouting and whooping, in time to the music.  The whole world blazed with a light from within.  And far away, somewhere beyond the horizon, shone a golden light divine which was their destination, to which they were all to go.

Robert suddenly became aware of a certainty within him.  He knew this had been his home, that this was home, he belonged here somehow, in another time, another life.

An overwhelming sense of everything falling into place burst from his middle and a tide of emotion swept him as, with a flash of light, he found he was back down on the road and able to move again.  The forest was again dark, but he still discerned the pleasant warm feeling around him that was almost touch, almost smell, almost taste.

Finding his balance with a couple of hesitant steps, a beam of light, a double beam, Robert now saw, was approaching him.  He heard the engine sound slow for the bridge, headlights dipped and flashed up again.

Robert!  Thank God you’re here.  He’s brilliant!  He mended the fanbelt thingy, and we pushed and it all just worked! enthused Janet from a nearside window.

The group was exhausted but triumphant thanks to the skills of Graeme, it seemed, who, armed with a well-stocked tool box and a spare fanbelt Alex had found behind the driver’s seat, had managed to tack things together and get the engine working again.

Jump on, yelled Alex cheerily from behind the wheel, we can’t stop!

Alex explained the details, shouted to Robert as he rode on the running board, holding on to the roof rack.  The belt had not been the right size but they’d adapted it by cutting it down and had stitched it with wire, bump-started the car as a group effort and, hey presto, here they all were.  By then it was only a few hundred yards more to the lodge.

 

The evening meal began as a joyful event.  Showered and changed, the group enjoyed a plentiful meal of fried fish, except for Carol who had an omelette, fresh home-made bread, bean salad and rice with fruit for dessert, all sharing space with tales recalling the day’s events, from the potoo, Jaguarundi and iguana trap in the morning to the peccaries, the breakdown and its miraculous torchlight repair under the stars.  They all agreed; it had been quite a remarkable day.

Robert let the others talk, answering mainly in smiles and nods to successive stories. Louise came and joined them and they told her how she had just missed a group of peccaries when she went off in the pick-up and told the best moments of the encounter all over again.  Then Tom approached her with a question.

Yes, excuse me, well, we were wondering.  If the forest’s encroaching on the grasslands because it hasn’t been burnt for, what, ten years is it now?  He looked up at Robert who nodded, then, what was it that maintained it before the ranchers got there?  Was it natural fires?

Well, partly yes, but the climate is changing, it would have been much wetter in the past.  Louise put down her plate.  That would have stopped the forest, and the grassland on top, on the meseta, seems pretty much unchanged, but the main reason…

The main reason, Robert continued for her, opening his hands on the table, is, people.

Having fielded the question, Robert now felt slightly dizzy and moved in his chair as Louise served herself from the side table.

To locate a new tribe in the forest the Jesuits used forest scouts, otherwise known as friendly Indians, who were told to look out for signs of burning-off, Robert started, slightly incongruously.  Where they found cleared fields there were usually people around.

Everyone’s attention focused on Robert, perched at the end of the table, as they awaited his thoughts.  But that’s is the least of it.  We should consider as well, the results of community ecologists like Robin Foster, Robert looked to Louise for her nod, from satellite images, we see in this region large areas of vine forest, a tangled successional growth phase which seems to gradually replace long-abandoned fields.  Many of the so-called vine forest patches, which go right up to the Amazon, are quite regular in shape.  Then, a little further on, in the Beni, you have evidence of huge settlements and advanced cultures that simply disappeared when the Spanish arrived.

Robert could feel this becoming something of a tirade, but it was too late to stop now.  He continued, struggling to pull the strands of his argument together.

There are estimates of a precolumbian population of up to one and a half million inhabitants from here to the Atlantic coast around the year fifteen hundred.  Forest cover in South America two hundred years after Columbus was far more extensive than when he arrived.  And Indian populations had by then, of course, been quite literally decimated.

Robert took a deep breath to get himself back to the main point he had started trying to make.  Apart from these people undertaking large-scale agricultural projects, the implication is that the whole landscape was managed by the indigenous populace.  The pampas grassland would have been burned seasonally to maintain it as a hunting ground; the word Chaco, for the large dry-scrub area just south of here, is a Quechua word meaning “to hunt in a circle,” which probably means that fire was used as a means of hunting in itself.

It’s impossible to reconstruct, Robert went on after taking a sip of water, or even really imagine what life was like before the Spanish arrived because they destroyed it all so completely either by main force or by way of the pandemic diseases that swept through populations well ahead of the main waves of soldiers and slavers and colonists.  But we do know that there were certainly many different tribal groups living here.  Some lived in the forest and some, like the Guarani, used ecological agricultural techniques on a scale and of kinds completely unknown to us today.  Someone moved a fork on their plate.

The really sad thing, Robert concluded, is that what we generally think of as the Amazonian Indian way of life, small communities scratching out a subsistence as simple forest nomads, is not the original picture at all.  It’s a lifestyle that was completely foreign to most of them.  Bands of people, not always even of the same tribe,  who survived the onslaught one way or another, got together and went off into the forest as the only way to escape and remain alive in the face of such impending terror.

As Tom brought his hand forward and was about to ask something Robert cut him short with one last thought, his voice by now high and trembling.  It’s like, it’s like an anthropologist who goes to Dresden or Hiroshima just after the Second World War and concludes that the residents have always lived in the basements of fallen-down, broken buildings, eating rats and dogs to stay alive.

Yes, I see, quite.  Tom’s voice emanated calm.  So you mean the pampas grassland was originally maintained as a hunting area by the indigenous people here?

 

Robert excused himself soon after.  Breathing in the cool night air he walked past his tent down the airstrip a way.  The moon had long ago set leaving the big rectangular cavity in the forest only barely discernible in the starlight.  Robert sensed he felt the open space with the skin of his face rather than seeing it with his eyes.  He walked slowly, feeling the path as a line of bare ground with his feet until his eyes grew accustomed to the dark.  He stopped and looked up.  The stars shone bright in the blackness.  Kalahari Bushmen said that, on a quiet night, it was possible to hear the hissing sound stars made.  There was another group that disappeared thanks to the Whiteman's invasion.  Could stars really make a noise?

 

What had happened out there in the forest this evening?  Did he faint, had it all been some kind of dream?  Robert traced the feeling back to the peccaries, there was something weird going on even then, he felt.  With the vision of the Indian he’d had the same feeling again, only much more intensely.

It was a brightening of everything, of the senses, and a feeling of deep understanding, but on such a different level than normal he was not sure he could trust it.  Did he really go up in the air when he thought he did, or was it only his imagination?

Trying to recall if he had seen the truck’s headlights from above, he suddenly remembered the music again, the dancing figures in the clearing, the singing and the chanting.  Or had it only been ringing in his ears and firelight in the night?  If so, firelight from where?

The dark silhouettes of the trees around him were so black they pulsed in time to his heartbeat.

Once or twice Robert, trying to avoid thinking about his unexpected outburst just now at the table, reconciled himself with the idea that it must have all been some kind of hallucination; he had breathed in the sugary night nectar of some forest Datura, or had somehow touched some unknown wood-fungal spores.  He then realised that what disturbed him most was the sensation that it had all been very real, too real, and nothing like a hallucination.  But it had also been completely beyond his control.

The cool air quietened his mood somewhat and, feeling he needed to lie down, went back to his tent but, stretched out on his sleeping bag, he found he could not sleep.  He kept getting caught up again and again by some kind of worried nervous energy that would not let him rest.

He dozed off eventually but some part of him stayed awake.  Something happened then that he had never before experienced.  With a kind of amazement, and without being able to do anything to stop it, he felt his whole body going stiff, first his feet, his legs, then upwards until he was completely unable to move.  Now he was frightened.

In a moment of unexplainable movement Robert got onto his knees beside his sleeping bag, no, beside his prone body which was still on the bag, his vision somehow seeing both forms, but being more a part of the one that bent his head to the floor and banged his fists on the ground.  He didn’t care if anyone heard; he beat his hands on the nylon floor of the tent, screaming and feeling the tears run down his face.

Such anger, such despair, what do I hate so much?  I really am beside myself with rage, Robert realised then, in a moment of revelation and almost with an inward smile: it was so different from the normal sense of the words, but they made perfect sense.  In fact, they only made sense now that he had seen and felt himself in such a position.

With this thought, half humour, half rationalization, he found himself once more inside his body which then gradually began to unlock from its cramp.  Robert moved his legs and jaw again and knew he was lying in his sleeping bag and had not physically moved.  Just now, he recalled with a shock, he had felt himself crouching, his head wrapped in his arms, beyond crying, feeling the cold ground on his knees and forehead, smelling the earth through the floor of the tent.

Once again he had the same feeling; what had just happened to him was as real and tangible as any experience he could remember - the smell of the damp ground through the plastic of the tent was with him still.  And the strange thing was that he felt outwardly quite normal, he wasn’t angry at anything he could readily identify.  Why had he let himself get so worked up about Indians and the Spanish invasion at the dinner table?

Relaxing finally, Robert slipped into sleep and Guajojó sang her nightly lament from the treetops.

Chapters

4

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Wanttobeawriter wrote 462 days ago

HOUSE AT THE HOLE IN THE SKY HFGR
This is an interesting story.
Chapter 1. I like the way you begin this on the plane flying into Bolivia. Gives you time to describe the country both from a political background and how it appears. Robert is a good main character; he’s knowledgeable about being a tour guide. Seems to sincerely want to show off this wonderful country to his tour group, not just do that for the money.
Chapter 2. This is a good chapter. I’ve been wondering when the first paragraph of the story was going to tie in with Robert’s tour group and this did that well.
Chapter 3. This chapter has a lot of description of the rian forest, the birds, and how they are being threatened. This is interesting material, but it also sounds a lot like a lecture. I’m wondering if you don’t want to condense some of this here and reveal it later on on a need to know basis so you can get into your story faster. I’m also wondering why you don’t use quotation marks for dialogue. It’s clear without it, but on the other hand, seems strange.
Chapter 4. Good chapter. Something mysterious is happening all right. I like the way Robert senses he has been in that clearing before and the way he’s angry altho he doesn’t know why. Almost everyone has had a feeling of having been someplace before even tho they know they haven’t so you’ll have a huge crowd of readers who relate to this.
Cover and pitches: I like the cover a lot. The pitch is good; a helpful description of what the story is about.
Pace: This isn’t the fastest moving story. By chapter 3, I wonder if you shouldn’t edit out some of the descriptions of the rain forest to save for later on so you get to the story faster.
Point of View: Using Robert’s point of view is good. He’s likable so a reader wants to help him figure out what is happening to him.
Authenticity (Historical accuracy). It’s obvious you’ve spent a lot of time researching not only ancient legends but flora and fauna of Bolivia. Very well done.
Characters: Robert, as I’ve said, is well fleshed out. I think his birders are typical and that’s good; lends a lot to a feeling of authenticity.
Descriptions: Your descriptions are marvelous.
Dialogue: Dialogue is always short and to the point but there is that question of why not use quotation marks?
Plot. It’s a little early to rate this yet. It’s certainly intriguing.
Publishability. I have no idea why publishers choose what they do to publish, but I would think, as so many people are becoming aware of the destruction to the rainforest, there would be a wide range of reader for this.
Style. Your style is unique becaue of the lack of quotation marks with dialogue. Doesn’t interfere with reading.
Overall: I found this a very interesting read. My husband was watching a basketball game on TV while I read it and all the shouting of, “he scored” usually distracts me but it didn’t while I read this. I was too lost in the forest and identifying birds to know whether the home team was winning or losing..Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter

edegales wrote 527 days ago

GENERAL COMMENT TO READERS:

To everyone who has taken the time to read HHTS - I thank you. On the strength of the many very insightful comments I have received, I am now retiring HHTS for restructuring. Feel free to continue to read and comment on this version, but expect a new and improved one soon (after New Year). Happy fiestas to all nd to all a good write!

Bryn Hammond wrote 527 days ago


Historical Fiction Readers Group – Bryn Hammond

Me back, Guy, but I have to be serious with that (scary) banner above me.

Title: The title is lovely. I can't say why or wherefore; titles are pretty gut with me. It's musical; suggestions of the spirituality you're going to tell us about.

First sentence: I think you're doing the onomatopoeia thing? Works the better for me the oftener I read it, and behaves like the wind when read aloud. Me, I like a person bold enough to dice with grammar in the first sentence.

Picky bit: I'd go 'eight-sided' instead of octagonal - less technical.

First Luis thinks at Aramana, who hears him; then Aramana says to Luis, without quote marks; they also talk to each other with chin gestures. This is fine by me.

Chapter 1: There is a lot about birds. But I love the transition from the condor with a tilt and a glint, to the king of the birds, and what he sees. Then the carrion birds, on the theme. - These transitions might be a bit confusing; but formatting might solve any confusion - clear scene changes? And then Robert blows his nose and waits for breakfast. He's a bit prosaic, isn't he? Aha – yes, he is, to start with (just guessing).

The escape of the last Inca king from Spanish seige... is, you know, romantic. Make the most. I can't think it'd hurt to add a bit here – unless we're to hear more of him later.

Transitions again: these keep you from getting bored. The birds fly through, a theme to unite the scenes. Needs to be slightly clearer, but I think the idea's great. I take it back about Robert's birds; there's a point to his condors on sick-bags, set against the whole bird presence.

The contrast of the native and the evangelical names is, um, ironic or poignant or just interesting.

Bolivia stats: slight tightening perhaps, but I do want to know that poor Bolivia has never won a war. Perhaps choose fewer facts, to get them more noticed – facts you need for your theme. Most of this – the state of Bolivia - I think we do want at this point, but chip off words where you can, work on your emphasis?

Robert's discovery of the Andes and the Amazon is effective. You don't want to make Emma even more vacuous for contrast, or am I unsubtle?

Maybe less details of his career, and the tours; just enough for us outsiders to get the gist?

I like the way the old Aymara gentleman drives the car: fleshing-out of a people, through an individual's behaviour – he's very individual, but he's acquainting you with these people. And there's the last Inca king again, nicely told over, so that we even start to feel familiar.

I'm starting to ask, how am I meant to feel about Robert? He's not the focus of my interest – it isn't character-driven in that way – and I'm reluctant to guess how I'm meant to feel about your main character. Does this mean I'd like a bit more indication from you, what you think of him? Indirectly, of course. Or I'm dense.

His next taxi-driver too is interesting and individualised; both hint at so much more beyond what Robert sees of them. And this is effective: he's worritting about his plane, while we want to know about the protest. And you probably have given enough clues about Robert. Your nameless taxi-drivers are champion; they reverberate on each other, if you know what I mean (treat a thing twice, each time has more effect).

By golly, that was an abrupt end to the chapter. Wait up, what about the protest? If Robert's not interested, I am. I'm going to learn later? If you mean to interest us while Robert remains oblivious, maybe play that up a bit? Am I being unsubtle again?

I'll stop with chapter one, as this is about to hit 700 words.

Authenticity: hey, I wouldn't know. But you do sense when you can trust a writer, even with no knowledge of your own. I feel safe in your hands.

PujaBorker wrote 531 days ago

The story is very informative and Robert is immensely alert and aware. The way you have stylized a few scenes such as death and darkness, his longing for the forest which is eminent in his thought process, various birds and their behavior (giving them a mind of their own) is noteworthy. I miss the quotation marks though. Was lost without them and had to go back several times. Do you plan to include them? It will be interesting to read the story with QM. I have this on my WL and have ranked it.
A few suggestions - At times I felt there are way too many adjectives and less of the suspense factor. I do understand now, that having a glossary at the end is a must. Thanks for the suggestion. I have started work on that.
Best of Luck
Puja
The Wise Man Says

KClark64 wrote 532 days ago

Regarding the quotation mark issue ...

I'm guessing the Bible for most of history was mainly read out in church, not primarily read by individual readers. As such, quotations marks are superfluous, since the hearers wouldn't know they were there.

The problem I have in works without quotation marks is that it slows down my reading. For example, I might read a whole paragraph thinking it is narration, then get to the end and find out it is speech. I would probably feel like I needed to go back and re-read to make sure I understood it in context. Quotation marks are a visual signal that speeds up reading, I think.

The other thing you might consider is that no one is going to complain if your book has quotation marks, but some people might be put off by not having them. If an established author were to eschew quotation marks, nobody would say anything about it, but what if an agent or publisher were put off by it in a new author?

Kevin Clark
(Will of God)

edegales wrote 532 days ago

Writing without quotation marks to indicate speech can appear voguish, especially if it hapens to be in vogue at the moment - I have no idea if it is or not. I think I once heard Will Self defend his non-use of Q's by saying, (no quotes) Well, the Bible seems to get along alright without them (end no quotes).

Part of my reason for posting on Authonomy was to see if this kind of style point I had adpoted in HHTS annoyed people. I have nothing against quotes and at the moment am about 70% in favour, based on comments received up to now, of instating them. That said, I personally like the way it reads without them

Any other comments on this topic, of course, would be welcomed.

G ;>=

Bryn Hammond wrote 533 days ago

Quick comment on the fact you don't use quotation marks. (I'd like to hear your defence of the technique. I'm certain you have one. - I'll add, 'It felt right, while I was writing' is an absolutely sound defence). I only found this funny for the first paragraph, and I shortly stopped noticing. Later I began to like it. Hard to say what I liked: I think, the absence suggested to me the blur between what you think and what you say; or meant you didn't want to have to stick to exact quotes, but were giving us a bit of thought and a bit of speech - which is a technique I have loved elsewhere. It sort of... felt right, from the inside. And suddenly quote marks seemed too artificial and falsely separating thought from speech.

There you go. I had meant to think about that more, before I commented.

inspectorrick wrote 533 days ago

Hello Guy, this is an HFG review from inspectorrick (Rick).
I have to say the material is extensive and would be extremely interesting if I was there and Robert was leading a bird watching expedition.
But for this exercise I was disappointed. Forgive me I don't have any formal education in writing, I just read a lot. The books I read are probably written at an 8th grade level (most major authors are) and when I read something written at a university level (or feels like it) my interest wanes quickly. I understood all of the convalutted sentences and the tons of prose used to describe the area. For me it would have been easier if you limited the prose to the moment or to simpler words. - forlorn pile of luggage, plate glass doors, spiralling road. - just luggage, just glass doors, winding instead of spiralling.

I appologize for sounding mean spirited about this but the adjectives and adverbs are not necessary most of the time and it gets in the way for most people.
There were a couple of things I picked out beyond what I said above.
In the pitch - a 'typical white guy' to me is not university educated or any of the rest of your description. It would only be 'typical' to another person of the same standing in society - I think.
- part way through the first chapter there is a sentence with - 'quiet strident insect sounds'. If they're quiet then there is no sound.
- most writers use some way of showing the words are thoughts or dialogue. Quotations for dialogue and italics or single quotations for thoughts. It just makes it a whole lot easier to read and understand.

Sorry Guy I like the idea of the story, the setting, and I think Robert could be interesting as a character. If you read a paragraph outloud and it sounds fine to you, then have someone else read it to you. I don't know really. This is just some advice I picked up from somewhere else and it made sense. Anyway, good luck and let us all know if you make any major changes. Rick - Jack, I Am.

KClark64 wrote 533 days ago

Historical Fiction Reader's Group

A couple of general observations. First, you clearly have a vast knowledge of the subject you are writing about. That's good, but it can be overdone. You have to resist the urge to put in every fact that you find interesting. When writing my book about the Pilgrims in Massachusetts, I had to learn this as well. There were so many interesting things I wanted to tell people. But you have to ask yourself, does it move the story along? If it does't, then you need to try to fit things in indirectly, not simply give fact after fact. For example, a lot of the facts could be fit in when Robert answers the questions of his group, or points things out to them. That might feel more natural to the story.

Second, you might want to watch some grammatical issues, such as run-on sentences and verb tense. One thing you might consider is using simple past instead of past perfect. (Such as "they walked" instead of "They had walked") Simple past is almost always appropriate and sounds better.

Third, I think you probably need to give more indication of the plot a little sooner. I assume that the trek is going to encounter the Inca survivors at some point, which should be interesting, but you don't want to lose people before that.

Fourth, you write very lyrically, and with obvious passion for the topic. I know that you want us to see through your words what you have seen through your eyes. But, in a sense, you can't make us see it, because words can't convey it. For example, I've been to the Grand Canyon, but I can't make anyone understand it through words. It must be experienced. For this reason, I think you don't want to get carried away with too much detail and too much explanation.

Prologue

"Far below the clearing" should probably be "Far below, the clearing"
"for the last time. One last time" I wonder if you should vary this, such as "for the last time--the final time that this sacred rhythm..."
"warriors of the old time?" "time" again. Maybe something different such as "old days" or "the age-old tradition"
I'm confused in the Prologue as to what is dialogue (if any) and what is thoughts. If any is dialogue, you might use quotes. Otherwise, people sometimes use italic for thoughts.
You have a lot of names and unfamiliar words in the Prologue. I often wonder whether this is a good idea. It can make a reader feel lost right away.

Chapter 1

I wonder if you could relate the Inca story and what Robert is thinking in some way, rather than simply juxtaposing them.
"his mind, like Pacahuaras..." might use "such as" instead of like; or just use a dash: "his mind--Pacahuaras, ..."
"For the first time..." this is a bit of a run-on sentence.
I wonder if you are trying to fit in too many facts about Bolivia too early. The facts might be interesting, but do they move the story along. Is there anything we need to know? (I understand that this is also character development of Robert, but you don't want to overdo it.)
"him and a group of friends." Perhaps move this to the beginning of the sentence: "He and a group of friends had come overland..."
"getting their moneybelt stolen" I always try to avoid "get" as a verb. How about: "and suffering the theft of their moneybelts in the flea markets."
"In Bolivia's flat" another bit of a run-on
"Robert and one companion" run-on
"Then they would pass" should probably be "They they passed"
"leaving Buena Vista then, following" should probably be either: "leaving Buena Vista, then, following" or "leaving Buena Vista; then, following"
"Black-throated Antbirds" Types of animals aren't usually capitalized.
"Alpha Centuri" should probably be "Alpha Centauri"
It would be easier to follow if dialogue was quoted.
"to get back twice" might be better as "to return twice"
"square headed" should probably be "square-headed"
"they would have lots of boat time" "they" should be "They"
"of amost his height" should be "almost his height"
"began to get nervous" perhaps change to "grew increasingly nervous"

Sorry to make this so long. I try to be helpful. I hope you find something useful in here.

Regards,
Kevin Clark
(Will of God)

jlbwye wrote 534 days ago

House at the Hole in the Sky - a Hist.Fict. read.
Now I've read your pitches, I'm intrigued, remembering an old favourite of mine about the Anaconda in the Amazon forest - I forget its name. Your cover is striking indeed.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Those wonderful names, and the foreign words, which you tell us enough about for us to guess at their meaning.
Perhaps 'He smiled out loud' would be even better than with the almost in it. I enjoy your little turns of phrase, and the thoughts blowing around the MC's head, and the condor's eye view. Poetic prose indeed.
I think you should make up your mind whether you're focussing on the King, or on the more general 'they'. Both is somewhat confusing.
And why not say 'he knew by heart the delicious sounding Indian names...' It's less cumbersome.
Yes, I feel that way about the tropics too. It gets under your skin, and in your blood. For me, I think it's the vastness, and the lack of people which attracts - and the continuous sounds, and the enveloping air. When I visited Ecuador, it was as if I were back in Africa. I hadnt really appreciated the significance of latitude before then.
'Ssssurating stillnesses'. That's it. But the birds were so hard to see.
You make me want to go back.
Be careful to be consistent with your tenses (when you report the local time).
And you can safely avoid unnecessary words like seemed to, unexpectedly.

Robert's mind wanders just like mine does.

I think, for this site, it would pay you to break up your story into smaller chapters. Staring for so long at a computer screen is tiring.

I'm loving the read, and will be back for more.
Meanwhile, multi-stars.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Bryn Hammond wrote 535 days ago

'It's like an anthropologist who goes to Dresden and concludes...'
I want to know what you know. This is... an important novel, one of those I'll learn from: I'll learn things about these people I'm ashamed I don't know (ashamed on behalf of the Western world in general). In your bio you tell us how seriously you've investigated, and if you can get the results out there - out here - to us, we're better people.

I had the idea I'd put on the shelf books that are finished or nearly, but I don't care about that, now I've read your whole excerpt.

Out of curiosity, did you wonder whether to write a non-fiction about this? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you didn't. Fiction's better, and as you can see, fiction that has original investigation in it, gets me way enthused. But I'm just curious. Was fiction your format, or did you judge fiction to be the better vehicle? I ask, of course, because I have so much to say about the Mongols (that argues with most of what's said about them) - material that might have gone into a non-fiction book. Which never occurred to me, as fiction is definitely my format.

I'll shut up a bit now.

Bryn Hammond wrote 537 days ago

This is majorly interesting stuff (to me) and I like the way you're writing it. It's draft, but you know that, from your bio. I hope (because your bio has me concerned) you find the time to spend on this. I Watch with Interest. How worthwhile, eh (she says to encourage you to ditch other bits of life for this project): you have things to say, that's obvious, and that's what matters most.

Bryn Hammond wrote 537 days ago

Can I briefly comment on a comment? I don't think your foreign words awkward. It's an issue I've got - I use lots, and try to suggest by context as much as the reader needs to know right there and then. What you can't do is translate everything, that interrupts your story like nothing else. It's a case of Trust the Writer. I feel I have as much information from you as I need, at the time.

J.V. Douglas wrote 539 days ago

The first sentence is awkward. Maybe remove the commas and "gusts of wind" since you've already established the wind "ran". When a foreign word is used, the reader usually won't understand unless the translation is also given. "Remember Luis," should be in quotes for the dialogue.
These things are too distracting to want to continue through the Prologue. Do some polishing on your editing work and let me know. I'll look at it again. It will stay on my Watch list for a while to give you a chance to complete this.
I agree with some of what Warrick said, but there is always a way to improve and make it readable for the general public. Find someone you can work with to go through it with you. I'm sure there is a great story in there to read.

edegales wrote 551 days ago

i really like your premise!
j



hope you get time to read the chapters some time!

Best,

Guy ;>=

scargirl wrote 558 days ago

i really like your premise!
j

scargirl wrote 558 days ago

i really like your premise!
j

Warrick Mayes wrote 559 days ago

Guy,

I read and enjoyed some of your first chapter. Unfortunately it's not my type of reading, but I also looked for obvious mistakes and ways in which you could make improvements. I have to say you used a lot of words, and names that did not trip off the tongue, but that is the nature of what you are writing, so nothing much you can do there I guess.
The fact that I could not say any more suggests that this has been well written, and that was my impression, so congratulations.
Regards
Warrick

1