How the Double Blade Was Forged

Your book has been on my WL for a while and I finally got around to reading Chapter 1. It's an intriguing plot, but I'm finding it difficult to follow the third person limited present tense. It's a tense that I find very difficult to follow. I don't think it necessarily harms the story for others. The premise is great, the descriptions are vivid, the character of Chas is intriguing. He seems isolated from the other characters, which I think may be the fault of the tense again. I try to read a couple of chapters of most of the books I comment on, but I'm stopping after only one chapter because the tense is challenging me. I am, however, giving you high marks. Good luck!

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

YARG review:

I*m afraid I can*t be really helpful with my comment - I think the story is intriguing and captivating, however I find that I feel a distance to the characters, and I can*t connect to them. I think it is the third person present tense that makes it hard for me - however this is just a personal opinion, and I think you will find many that enjoy it just as it is.

I wish you the best of luck!

Yarg review.

An enchanting story, wrote with real feeling and an understanding of your characters.
You are at ease with your storytelling techniques.
The pace flows beautifully and the POV is perfect, and makes the story more captivating.
Your description is enthralling and the dialogue is gripping.
You end each chapter with a riveting hook that makes the reader turn the page wanting more of the feeling you convey in your lines.
I can see your feeling run deep with the writing of this book and it shows in the finished piece.
Well done, I have rated this very highly and would recommend it to others.
xx

An Alliance of World Builders Review
HOW THE DOUBLE BLADE WAS FORGED
Bea B. Adams

You are correct. This is an "awesome story". I really like the way you have given us the exposition in the dialogue of the three characters in chapter two. There is a great deal to learn of the story in that encounter.

Chapter One is amazing. The battle scene is so real and the angst of the two who die, more poignant in my mind, than the maiming of the ones attacking them. You have provided a situation that pulled out my sympathy for those two and I feel you have a great talent for giving us a good, strong and unique story.

Let us remember when commenting that this novel is true to the way of a splendid Fantasy. There is just as much of a special style to these kinds of stories as there is to romances, thrillers, science fiction, etc., etc., etc.
There is no formula but the difference in my mind is science fiction is those stories are about what is possible. Fantasy takes on the challenge of creating something that is not possible. At least that is true based on reality now. Who can say that it might change once those exterrestrials decide to pay us a visit? What? You don't believe in them? Please. There was a time when our so called higher intellect did not believe we could fly. Glance toward the sky sometime. It has happened.

I love the race of cat people you have created. This is truly remarkable and I feel there are many here who enjoy the company of cats as evidenced by so many avatars which contain those images. I have two myself. Anyone who shares habitation with a cat knows they come close to communicating with us. That is why this story is so believeable. I love it.

Backed for the entertainment value and amazing creativity.

Mary Enck
A KING IN TIME

Hi, there – this is your BHCG and YARG and CCRG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

You write confidently and clearly. I can easily picture you book as a movie in my head, thanks to your detailed yet restrained descriptions of the setting and its inhabitants.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I value the meaning in first lines. I won’t know for a while, of course, but I do wonder if yours gives us a hook into the story? The rest of the first two paragraphs definitely create interest and tell us about our MC. Just not sure the image of soldiers jumping out of a transport is the moment where you want to start.

I do like very much how the thoughts of Chas tell us about his world.

I’m noticing lots of references to felines and wonder if that’s intentional, particularly after Chas calls Monk ‘stripey.’ OK, now I’ve read the comments of other reviewers who confirm that our characters are cats. That significantly increases the appeal for the YA crowd.

Characters/Characterization
I like Chas. He seems to be a reliable narrator and a good guy, interested in the enemy out of respect rather than hatred.

Point of View/Voice
Present tense, and you stick with it quite well. I admire your use of the third person. I seem to be able to write only in first person.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Your style is clear and straightforward, which is perfect for me in this type of story. I seldom read this genre so I appreciate your conventional story-telling.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
The Hag isn’t finding much to do here. She’s getting grumpy.

Dialogue
I love how humorous the discussion between Chas and Monk is.

Originality
I am so jealous of your active imagination and your ability to keep the details of this world organized.

Publishability
I think this would have wonderful appeal for the YA audience, and even many adults, if the sales of the Redwall books are any indication. It certainly needs little editing.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

A YARG review-
I've only read he first chapter so far, but I'd like to read more. Your plot is very different from others I've seen, and that's a refreshing change. The way you use your verbs, like everything is happening right as I read it, is kind of hard to read, but I got used to it by the end of the chapter. I already like Chas, and I'm curious as to what happens to the young kitten.
Thumbs up for a very intriguing story!
Noelle J. Alabaster "Dark Origins"

i must say it took me a while to get into this story, but once i did i found it to be not only rich with ideas but in description too. Having saying that some times because this is a made up world, when your describing something i found in some scenes i got a bit lost to where your charters were, so maybe this needs to be tightened up. I love your charters though, Chas for his honrable spirit and the way he became so humbled when he saw that mated pair killed in the beginning. Iris for her fieryness and Monk for his cool headedness. You have the foundation for a great story here, it just needs a little tweaking :-)

Hi Bea. You were 2nd on the list of the women only group, so here I am with my comments. First of all I have to admit to not reading fantasy or anything historical so I apologise in advance if it seems that I'm not 'getting it'.

That said, I have to compliment you on your writing as a craft. You have obviously put a lot of effort into this work which is beautifully constructed and polished. I was pleasantly surprised that, given the genre, I was totally drawn in to your story. I love the poor Griss people. I could picture them from your description, perfectly. I always wonder, when people write characters of another world, do you draw pictures of them before you start writing? You've done this so cleverly, it's as though they are as real as you or I. I like the way that Chas has torn feelings about the race too. I just know that this is going to be a great story. I think you may have converted me, Bea :) I will watchlist this to read more than the two chapters I have already, and come back with more comments.

Julie xx (if you get around to having a look at mine, I apologise that it's a first draft. No editing has been done, I only seek crit for, story, characters, dialogue etc.)

From Women Only Group;
Ah I felt sad , then angry for the Grissti. I became involved with the story almost immediately.
An unusual story too. This new breed, almost human like. I can see this sitting well with the YA group and even older ones. I'm not keen on fantasy worlds, but this one seems different.
Your writing is faultless and flows well. Excellent pacing and pov added to the experience.
The only nit pick is the dates at the top of the prologue. You have 'year of the king 1560' and '2457 the imperial year' I'm sure it probably all comes together in the end, but I stopped reading for a sec trying to work out the timeframe. But it's no biggie.
I honestly thought this story was very interesting and unique.
Best wishes and good luck, Orma

Bea,

How the Double Blade Was Forged it the most unique book I’ve read here on Authonomy. I’m reading along when all of a sudden I’m taken by surprise that your main character is a cat! I'm curious, what inspired you to write this?

Chas is good-hearted soldier, that’s for sure. I liked that he had compassion on the kitten and was haunted by what he did in his past. The banter between Monk, Iris, and Chas is fun and light-hearted. I can tell you had fun writing that portion. You must be good with people and have a great sense of humor yourself.

Your writing is clean. The pace moves along and the story’s really interesting in the first chapter. The introduction of some new characters keeps the reader going in the second chapter. You end it with a great hook - hope of a duel! This is great writing. Highly starred.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

A romance crit review/BHCG review

1) Pitch: The title works well to convey the bond between Monk and Iris, making them equally dependent and protective of each other. The short pitch is very effective, especially as regards the romance element. I'm not as certain of the long pitch. How relevant is the injured ankle, why does Iris go to the Marble Empire? It does work at giving some idea of the plot without giving too much information but I'm not sure it convey the struggles between the two races and the impact of that on Iris and Monk.
2) Plot: a romance against the backdrop of conflicting races and religions. A timeless plot presented in a new setting that you have succeeding in creating. The relationship, the characters and setting have hooks.
3) Pacing: I appreciate these are extracts rather than the usual succession of chapters. I can still see how the story progresses and it seems to flow well, with attention to details and actions without being slowed by over writing or information. The opening is dramatic, the death of the mated pair is a very strong image and the soldiers taunting the young Griss girl immediately has the reader sympathising with the Griss. The conflict between the races and beliefs is apparent and building again. From the romance angle the relationship between Iris and Monk is developing, from antagonism and mistrust, humiliation to protecting each other. They are characters you can believe will develop a strong relationship because they are passionate in their actions and brought together by the evolving situation they become involved in. I read four chapters so haven't seen a lot of her yet but I'm wondering will something also develop between Oriel and Darnel.
4) Spelling/Grammar: Overall, I didn't see any big issues. I wasn't tripping over lots of errors. I did note a few typos etc:
'the emperor Tokratha supported the High the Conqueror,' unnecessary the before Hugh
'the Enemy is atheists,' are
'there's a griss girl,' capital G when referring to a race.
I understand you are using which-way in the context of every which-way here, 'copper hair flying which-way,' but I think there are stronger descriptions.
'Chas knows the boys were done for now.' - are done for as you are in present tense. 'He kept the sword,' he keeps/retains the sword in present tense.
'but they manage drive the two apart,' missing to
'You must know, must you?' - could reduce to Must you now?
In the letter, 'because it takes on too weight in snow,' missing much.
5) Dialogue: for the most part feels natural. There are instances were you inject the differences in language from the two races, which does work at highlighting their differences but sometimes I found myself thinking about what they meant rather than just concentrating on the dialogue and the developing story.
6) Voice/Style: You do switch POV in different sections but have succeeded in developing a unique voice for each character and have kept those changes clean and crisp.

I think you have strong elements here for your target market, the conflict, the evolving relationships and the created world. The complete word count is large and as the MS is divided into six sections I wonder if you plan to break it into six separate books given the age of your YA target market?

Bea,
You are a master storyweaver! The vivid imagery,the complex characters, and the symbolism is amazing! You have managed to weave together an epic tale with absolutely no loose ends. Awesome! Highly rated and recommended.

Much love and many blessings to you,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

I'm disappointed...because now I've been drawn yet again into another great story that is going to distract me from finishing mine:)
Just read the first chapter...loved it, highly starred, and will be back for more!

p.s. The sentence "It nearly fails, but they manage drive the two apart" is missing "to". I also found the third paragraph to be a little confusing. Regards, Ruby

hi Bea, here are a few thoughts:
the cover is beautiful and of delicate design. I like the title. May I suggest that you take out the Christian tag, as it seems unnecessary and may reduce your chances of getting more support, while a wider audience might otherwise be enticed to have a look at your book.
The long pitch needs a couple of indentations to be more digestible to the eye, and extra paragraphs can help the reader get to grips with large chunks of information. When pressing the edit button the pitch comes up, so just leave a space-line empty in one or two places.

The young adult tag seems to fit your target readership. However, there are some complicated names to be tackled, and I wonder if they should be introduced more slowly. Too much information from the start can reduce the enjoyment of getting into your world, while the action scenes give a good impression of strange and unusual surroundings. I would suggest that you take out some of the names, unless they are absolutely necessary to explain the happenings. You could bring them into the story-line at a later stage.

I found your descriptions of battle interesting and exciting, and felt emotionally involved with the ongoing drama of the first scene. Some of the relationships could be explained with a few more words to make things slightly clearer.
A fight is raging and the chaos is well portrayed. I liked the introduction of Chas' thoughts when the fight was over, and the moral sentiment came through very clearly.

In the second chapter the conversation between Chas and Monk brings out their characters and introduces the conflict between Iris and Monk in the past, and there were glimpses of humour and humanness in their interaction. When Iris herself appears, relationships are not quite as clear-cut and at times the different difficult names may confuse issues a little.

Your dialogue is vivid and full of expression. It might be beneficial to introduce a 'quiet' moment in between, where the pace lets up for just a second and therefore allows the ongoings to settle in the reader's mind, as your language purveys a very busy impression. Sentences brim with action, often two or three different aspects come together in one line, which gives a feeling of relentlessness. I'd suggest that you linger here and there to let the reader get his breath back. Your descriptions are colourful and the character sketches are well drawn.
Backed.

Ame

A YARG review
SP – love it. I thought by the title that the double sword would be a mythical object sort of like the rings in Lord of the Rings, love the idea of it being two people acting as one. Nice concept.
LP – read more like a synopsis than a teaser and the lack of paragraphs put my eyes off a bit. I got lost in the synopsis with all of the names and stuff.

CH1 –Chas, really???? Sounds like a bad eighties popstar and the name honestly made me wince. Sorry, but the name Chas doesn’t really have the hero factor. But Chas himself, I love the way we come to him in action and that he i) has integrity and ii) is a bit bloodthirsty in his desire to find the enemy warriors of legend.
Not sure of your use of colons and semicolons, there seemed like a lot where the sentences could do without or could be punctuated with simply a comma.

The scene where they taunt the Grisst child then kill what appear to be her parents is haunting. It encapsulates the horror of combat in a microcosm. Chas already appears to be torn between his orders and what he thinks is “right”. This is very strong and well described, down to the sounds, smells and tastes of the battle.

CH2 – Iris gets a good introduction, she sounds like a feisty female and an interesting character. I like the thought of Monk as the honourable, even prudish mercenary, it is a nice juxtaposition. However much of the pub scene I am completely lost when you switch between ranks, Sunday names and nicknames.
What has struck me by this stage is that unusually, you are switching point of view between all three characters. You are writing in the third party and it is usual to voice the thoughts of one character’s point of view, or at least one at a time. Here you switch point of views which is a little disconcerting because I am hearing everybody’s thoughts. It could be more effective to have Iris come in and the boys not know how she feels or what she thinks – she would have to show them (and us) via her actions. You could then switch to her perspective in the next chapter.

CH 3 – Ah, Iris earns the respect of the hardened shoulder. It’s a nice set up here for the romantic element. I’m not sure what I think of Lady Oriel yet though although I suspect that ambiguity is the point!

Uh oh – I just realised that this was tagged as “Christian.” I’m a bit of an atheist myself! Nevertheless the compliment I will give you here is that it wouldn’t stop me reading on. The talk of the grist as “barbarians” made me think of Christian missionaries and their attempts to civilise and the irony that a holy war can be brutal and ungodly is not lost on me here.

You have created a convincing fantasy world and likeable characters here. 240,000 words is an absolute epic and I have no idea how you are able to cope with editing etc. Stephen King says “second draft = first draft less 10%.” However, for the record I don’t think you waffle or fill here. It might be less daunting for the reader/ authonomy member to say you have six books (assuming the thematic sections can be broken down into books) and upload the whole or most of the first one.

Best of luck, Marns

How the Double Blade Was Forged – Bea B. Adams – Chapter 10: What a sweet story, Bea! You’ve done a nice job creating a different world that I can’t even begin to understand with only just one chapter, but I caught the hint of different language and greeting, traditions, culture, all done nicely. I do like romance, so am always happy to see it done well. Thank you for inviting me to read! :) I hope to see Monk and Iris’ relationship a happy one and safe. I can tell there is danger and trials. It seems that there is a war ongoing and that Monk and Iris find themselves in the middle of it.

Enjoy your creative imagination! It’s a blessing to have. I've star rated and put you on my watchlist's watchlist.

Good luck!
Ellise
~ The Governess ~