Reasonable Force

It seems like you have two prologues here, once when he doesn't know what to do and one when you flashback to him being a child. I don't know why you would need either one. The first one would do just fine as the opening to the book. It creates tension and suspense. You did a good job on it. I don't know why you included the flashback.

The writing is good. Is the book about a burglery? Like the one in the prologue? it would be interesting to see how you work that plot for an entire book. I enjoyed what I read.

Good job.

Abby

A prologue? But it's stitched to the opening of chapter one. We can live with that. And it has a reason to be there too. And so we read on.

My first impression though, darting through the story, is that each chapter could be easily split into three. The scrolling went on too long and in this scatterbrain world, the scrolling should stop sooner. More chapters would make the read an easier one - especially when moving backwards and forwards through the story. (Surely everyone reads that way?)

Sharp, lpunchy writing that licks along a good pace. It didn't engage me as much as I'd hoped. It feels like an early draft that could do with a hard edit. A little too knowing in places, a little too self concious to draw me in. The style felt somewhat forced and overly flowery where it should have been leaner and tougher.

Overall, my dipping has been interesting. I'm interested enough to want to know what happens.

Starred and on my watch-list. I'd like to see the ending though. I live in hope.

too many paragraphs in your long pitch...otherwise, moves well, clean writing and strong foundation. not my usual genre, but a chilling and engaging book...
j
what every woman should know

This looks good! The opening scene is quite a good hook. I am looking forward to the break-in scene. I was initially a little disappointed that we went back to childhood, but that turned out to be a very good story in its own right, and it certainly told us a lot about Nick, so I am still enjoying the read. The chapter break coud probably serve you better -- it comes at a lull. You might want to pick a spot that leaves the reader motivated one way or another to continue. However, that said, I am definitely motivated to read on, because it's a clean, eventful and enjoyable story so far. I'll put this on my watchlist and read on, probably to shelve soon.

Elizabeth Buhmann
The Made-Up Man

I like a book with a moral dilemma, and this is obviously going to one of them. Nick is a good MC – interesting, and flawed as we all are – and the situation he faces is all too possible.

I do have a couple of reservations. The first is that I found the time line in the first few chapters confusing. We have the break-in, then an undated flashback to childhood, then ‘seventeen years later’ – which is still before the break-in, I assume – then 2006 (presumably the seventeen years later) followed by two weeks after that... It took me a while to sort it out, which rather undermined the impact. Could you feed the back story in gradually once you’ve established the break-in and its immediate lead-up?

My other reservation is that in places, the language was overly descriptive to the point of cliché, for example ‘a jumble of honey and ivory curls, fanned across the white pillow like silk tassels’, ‘an array of conflicting emotions’, ‘the low, weighty ceiling beams of the late-nineteenth-century inn radiated heat from the fire back down onto the simmering drinkers’, ‘a profusion of chocolate brown hair’. Simpler is often more effective. (Only one opinion, though.)

Another small point – in the prologue, ‘His semi-naked body broke out in a cold, clammy sweat. Still clutching the holdall...’ If I hadn’t read the pitch and known Nick’s name was Summers, I’d have thought he was the one clutching the holdall.

This is a fascinating premise, totally relevant in the current climate. I look forward to seeing it developed further.
Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer.

Read everything posted.
Nitpicks first.

A bit American sounding at times, had to go back to pitch to check it was set in UK.

The playground flashback, although well written, made me impatient to get to the act itself.

Good news. Really enjoyed it. although a chick litter myself, love crime/thrillers/CSI...! the actual break in was gripping. Best of luck, will give it a spin on my shelf!
Jo
.

This certainly kept me reading and left me eager for more. I could identify with the dilemma and the characters and love the entanglements between them. What will Nathan suggest? Maybe speed it up a bit, and description of characters was a little cliched (using the mirror to describe Mel and chocolate brown hair). The premise is really good and your pitch sparked my interest. Four chapters in and you've hooked me. Message me if you post more. Juliet

By the end of chapter 4, this author has accomplished thriller in every sense of the word, and with my heart racing and my mind dreading that which was promised in the pitch, I am already shaking my head no and hoping that the telephone is not picked up at the other end of that call. With the subtle crafting of the first three chapters, suspense truly is only a phone call away as the reader realizes all the possible outcomes, and none are good. Christopher Sullivan understands that terror resides in the familiar, and uses common, everyday circumstances to serve up a hefty plateful.

I was not thrilled with the prologue, and the use of the word “leant” when I believe what was called for was “leaned.” Otherwise, a finely crafted beginning to the nightmare of life when things go terribly wrong. Well done for six stars.

Thanks AG for you kind remarks and generous sprinkling of stars. Yes, Jo and Nick feature heavily as the story develops. I hope you enjoy the rest of my offering. I take your prologue suggestions on board - much appreciated.
Best Sully.

Dear Sully,

The best thing about REASONABLE FORCE is Nicholas Summers.
Apart from the fine writing, of course. :-)

The school ground brawl gave us a peek into the dark depths of Nick’s otherwise charming and friendly disposition. Is there a subtle hint at a troubled past as well? Or was he just born that way? Can’t tell for sure, I'll have to read more to find out. But, no matter what the demons are that are plaguing him or whatever dark forces are driving him to acts of unspeakable aggression, Nicholas Summers is an intriguing character that’s able to take the narrative forward on his own steam.

Jo Major is an equally good addition to the story. Her character is also well fleshed out. You have an interesting way of offering glimpses into the minds of your lead characters and making the reader really care about them. At the end of two chapters, I could already see a great story taking shape and both Nick and Jo playing important roles in it. I look forward to reading the rest of this story soon. Only suggestion at this point: The school ground sequence makes for a much better prologue.

My rating: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

Best regards,
AGC

Dear Sully,

The best thing about REASONABLE FORCE is Nicholas Summers.
Apart from the fine writing, of course. :-)

The school ground brawl gave us a peek into the dark depths of Nick’s otherwise charming and friendly disposition. Is there a subtle hint at a troubled past as well? Or was he just born that way? Can’t tell for sure, I'll have to read more to find out. But, no matter what the demons are that are plaguing him or whatever dark forces are driving him to acts of unspeakable aggression, Nicholas Summers is an intriguing character that’s able to take the narrative forward on his own steam.

Jo Major is an equally good addition to the story. Her character is also well fleshed out. You have an interesting way of offering glimpses into the minds of your lead characters and making the reader really care about them. At the end of two chapters, I could already see a great story taking shape and both Nick and Jo playing important roles in it. I look forward to reading the rest of this story soon. Only suggestion at this point: The school ground sequence makes for a much better prologue.

My rating: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

Best regards,
AGC

About your last chapter. I read it a couple of days ago. This is what I thought:
It is clearly a moment of importance in the story and I think it would have evoked stronger feelings if it was given in a more concentrated manner. What I mean is, you try to lead us to the critical point of the accidental murder by prolonging the moment with details up close...while we already know it's gonna happen. It's the central point of the story and anyone having glanced at the pitch knows where you're getting at.
In this cases, I try to play with the reader's mind. Since he/she knows what's going to happen, I put together extremely fast-paced and short-length images to hit him hard. Then I'd focus on the MC's experience in the moment in gread depth and would close the scene.
Just me probably... Disregard anything you don't want to use...

Yannis
The Abyss Wars

Sully,

I read all that you have posted and I have to say that you have a great cast of characters here, and your development of them is quite skillful. The prologue that ties in with the last chapter is wonderful, as is the schoolyard confrontation. However, in between those scenes the pacing does seem to slow down a bit. As you know the first few chapters are the important ones to grab the readers attention. You don’t want to give them the excuse to put your book down with too much back story.

If you want to leave the story of Jo’s mother in perhaps you could move it around a bit. You have a good story here, and I can honestly tell you that is what agents and publishers want. So, well done on that score.

I don’t tend to edit for grammar or punctuation, but if I notice something I will point it out. I did not see any of those errors here, so again, good job on that score.

I have a few books that I want to support. I don’t do tit-for- tat backings, but I will happily give this book some shelf time when I have the chance.

All the best,

Sharon

Thank you so much for inviting me to read your book. The dialema of what to do when one is confronted by hooligans is a very real one and one that each of us can identify with. Notwithstanding that, very well and faultlessly written.
Nick's character has been beautifully crafted in a chillingly real story, again one that most of us can clearly identify with.
6 of the best and a place on my bookshelf as soon as space becomes available - should be soon (I hope) - 2 great book are stalled just outside the Editor's Office.
Rob Lawrence.

I think you setup Nick's character when he encounters the bully Bruno Doyle and stands up for himself. It's also telling of how his character doesn't react to everyone else pain through the rest of the school year. I'm not sure why you fast forward the story 17 years, but list the date for 2009..is there a specific reason? I like the end of chapter one with Nick's statement "Life doesn't get better than this"..it seems like a real foreshadowing..of what's to come..A little sad when Jo's mother commits suicide, but I like that in the next chapter you have all the characters meeting together at the bar. Great descriptions..I do however agree with the previous comments that Jo's backstory slows the flow of the story down just a little bit..

Hi, there – my notes tell me I put your book on my list of reads because you wrote a lovely poem at Christmas. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

What an interesting premise! And I love how you set it up with the prologue and then the flashback. You have a great feel for ‘story,’ something The Hag and I lack. We’re all about punctuation, me and The Hag.

In the prologue, you do a wonderful job of presenting only the facts needed for the effect. I feel all jumpy and tense inside just as our hero must feel. This part is very well done.

The schoolyard scene is not quite as succinct. There are too many places where you tell us something we can figure out for ourselves. For example, your description of Nicholas is plenty of info. The reader gets that he works on his hair and is considered attractive by his actions and the responses he gets in the yard. (You might have him give himself a pleased smile in the bathroom.) Similarly, you don’t need to tell us Bruno is the scourge of the school. We’ll gather that from his behavior, particularly the paragraph that begins, “This wouldn’t be yours…” An excellent paragraph.

The schoolyard scene does give us a glimpse into Nick’s character, first with the brief encounter with the History teacher, and second of course with his surprising incident of self-defense. It’s extremely successful at this.

Seventeen years later, we begin to encounter verbs of being. They’re not bad but they don’t add to your scene as more active verbs would. “…skin was bewitching to Nick.” What about “…skin bewitched Nick.” Instead of “The park was situated…” what about “He ran the half mile to the park at the top of the rise…”

This scene is successful in the same ways as the previous one. We get a meaningful glimpse of a man in the prime of his life, who loves his wife and keeps up with his chores around the house and tends to his health.

I’ve heard that it’s better to have this problem of too much information than the reverse. It’s easier to pare down your words to leave only the wonderful impressions you seek to make on the reader. You write imagery quite well—loved the sun pulling away from the bruised skyline, the ravenous hyenas around the cornered gazelle—and as you remove the deadwood these images will carry your writing for you.

You have done quite well with this book in the time it’s been uploaded. You’re rising much faster than I did!! Best wishes to you!!

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Wow... The opening scene, I'm just in love with it. I love how you dive right into the action, then pull back. It's the perfect mix of tension and scene-setting. This has been highly-polished, I can tell. Your descriptive skill is flawless, I love the way you describe Nick's wife, she sounds beautiful.

You have a very powerful narrative voice, I hope it continues throughout the rest of the book. Highly-starred! Thank you for the fantastic read!

RK

Christopher,

here for the return read as you requested. I don't read pitches and I don't concern myself with titles and covers, I jump right into the main text.

The tenseness of chapters 2 and three were the points I enjoyed the most. I think Nathan is a first class, fully fleshed "villain" who is up to something... Your vocabulary is off the charts, but coming from a non-native speaker, I don't know how valuable that comment can be.

I read up to the end of chapter 3... but why not to the end of the upload? I asked myself when I stopped. My answer to that after a moment's thought was "because of the backstories". And after another moment I added "I think it was Jo's backstory-infodump that made me struggle the most." Everytime you took the narration off a backstory everything seemed to flow well.

I'm not advising anything here, don't get me wrong. I have loads of backstories myself in my manuscript. On Jo's backstory-scene, have you considered tightening it up? The ending of the scene was strong, it just felt a long way to get there...

I don't have anything else to comment on. 6 stars for the characterization and the skillfull setting of the atmosphere.

Yannis

now i could be wrong about this, but i felt while reading that you had two main goals; to inform and to entertain. doesnt neccessairly have to be a bad thing but doesnt mean its a good thing either. i havent decided on that yet. i got this kind of a feel when i read your pitch when you gave us the statistics of the break ins. that part didnt feel like a book, it felt almost like a handbook or warning or something. but when i began reading, i found that you had more of a story to tell and that you are a good writer. the sentences describing his wife were beautiful. you write really well and i dont know if you need the statistics to defend that. overall, i enjoyed what i read, but i thought i would just point that out to you because that was my first impression.
i wish you the very best of luck with this.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Sully,

You've got an excellent and ferociously nightmarish concept here. I have the privilege to live in Orlando, Florida, United States, where the law is behind the citizen and the homeowner. If *two* men broke into my house and I killed them both with one of the 12-guages I keep handy, the police would come and remove the bodies at no charge to me and then thank me for my cooperation. So the idea that I could face prosecution for an unlawful killing for defending my person, property, and loved ones is a haunting and fearful one. That this remains the law in the United Kingdom is astonishing to me.

The problem I see with Reasonable Force is a structure problem. The first two chapters are all over the place. I recommend starting with the pub scene, where the major characters can be introduced and their relationships sketched out. Save the details of the police woman's mother's suicide for a reveal in flashback later. Do the same thing with Nick's boyhood experience in the schoolyard. This will build tension and anticipation in your reader and make the story flow more naturally. Get rid of the opening mini-scene where Nick is racing to confront his intruder - it's conventional wisdom to start with nudity or violence, even in a dose of only a few paragraphs, but convention wisdom produces a lot of bad books.

The important point is, this is a great concept. Your structure problems can be solved with cutting and pasting.

Just read the first 2 chapters and find it an intriguing read.
I like the introduction setting the scene for Nick's character - very realistic too!
I also like the way you've introduced characters independently, but then brought them together in your plot.
I found this easy to read and constantly holding my attention.
Top stars from me, and good luck!
Cheers,
Mike
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

I liked the pitch, and the writing's unobtrusively readable.

I was a little annoyed by Nick as a character, however. Looks like Hugh Grant (incidentally, I wouldn't bother explaining who this is...), beats up people way bigger than him, has a hot wife... I can pretty much sympathise with anyone who wants to break into his house and give him a damn good kicking. Could we have an imperfection or two, just to soothe our inferiority complexes?

Reasonable Force

Hello Christopher,

I've read quite deeply into this and think I am able to comment now I don't go in for low level reciprocity seeking niceties, only comment on bits I liked and suggestions for improvement. I'll start with your pitch.

It describes what we're going to get quite well, although it read a little like a parody of a tabloid blurb. I didn't like can you afford not to read it, seemed to patronise the reader a little there. Perhaps just cut to the chase of the main plot points which are clearly compelling enough to get people interested. I think you generally over do the entire pitch, sensationalising what is a strong human interest story anyway. The clear moral conundrum of confronting an intruder in your own home make for a strong founding idea for a novel and the title of the book expresses this well, I don't think you need to post mortem it for us in the pitch. Keep it simple, add in more white space. Don't over-think it with questions, give us the bare facts, intrigue us. I like the bit at the beginning about the number of break-ins. Perhaps take this idea and use it as the way of drawing us into Nick and Mel's story.

For example:

There are 745,000 reported break-ins across the UK every year. Nick and Mel Summers are about to become just another statistic. Except Nick fights back and faces a moral dilemma that will shape the rest of his life. It seemed so simple in thrall of that cold and certain fear, woken in the middle of the night. But in the aftermath, whether he is good man protecting what he loves or someone who turns a violently angry response into a full-blown crime becomes less clear-cut.

Reasonable force, that's what Nick keeps telling himself he used. But how many unreasonable actions does it take to change that original intent.

I liked the adrenalin-soaked opening, that was great. Not so sure about the long back story we then experience, if this is crucial to the character of your main protagonist perhaps you might want to think of another way of weaving in the back story. I think your instinct, for action first, is the right one. I wonder in the re-write if you continue to plunge us into the event as it unfurls and its immediate aftermath, drip-feeding back story in when it becomes relevant, in this way you won't destroy what is a compelling underlying narrative that will drive us deep into the book. There are some aspects of your prose that need editing, too many describing words, the passage where we experience his wife through shapely bosom and gorgeous hair seemed a little too good to be true and more about wish fulfilment in the spirit of American teleplays than anything that deserved a place in a decent crime thriller. This is such a competitive and difficult market to get into, you have a great hook and a strongly motivated hero, I think you need to consider how to expand on his individual strengths and to make those supporting actors in this narrative more stand-out, from the description of Mel she seems to be there only as a princess for him to protect rather than a three dimensional character in her own right.

I loved the energy and moral relativism of your initial idea and I would guess i am reading a pretty early draft here. When you come to re-write and develop further I am happy to come back and have a further read, best wishes, I hope at least some of that was helpful.

Best wishes
Andrew W
(Benevolence)

In the prologue and first chapter, do away with felt and feel. Show Nick's feelings. "His semi-naked body broke out into a cold clamy sweat. Stcky wetness seeped along his right leg. He slipped on the pooling blood. Cold air stung his lungs as he jogged along the path..." Never miss a chance to involve the reader in the feelings of your POV. I make the same mistakes. Editing is a never ending endeavor. Your dialogue is very good. All in all, the narrative prose is outstanding. Nerry a typo or grammatical mistake. Great insight into the frustrations of British life. All the best with this intriguing story.
David Schild
The Next John Elway

Christopher, the exchange read as promised...

This is a masterful use of dialogue and narrative, right from the start the reader is drawn into the story. I have read everything you posted and I'm impressed. Not my usual reading preference, you do a very good job of defining your characters in a way that we're brought into the circle of friends and circumstances. I am anxious to see how you weave all this together and can almost envision this as a movie.

Jo, the female police woman who is struggling, straight as an arrow, dealing with the loss of both parents and debt....Nathan who is a wayward officer and corrupt from his own destruction-neglecting duty and responsibility, the innocent couple caught up in a traumatic evening where they question how to handle things, and well Scrivens, well described to his timely end. I enjoyed the way you wrote each detail from the individuals point of view, offering the the events from each angle. You see not only how they all end up on this fateful night, but the reasoning as to why they've lived as they have.

It is a story not far from real life...something we see in everyday existence. I enjoy stories that could possibly be real life...it gives the sense that we all could face something like this and offers a new perspective to things that go on around us, a glimpse into individual lives. The reader lives it from each point of view...simply brilliant.

I can certainly see this doing extremely well in it's genre and hope you post more of the story soon. Tis a pleasure to have gone through it....starred top marks and will shelve it to help it get to where it deserves to be.

Look forward to your thoughts...
Wendy
'And When'

you have an excellent narrative style- full of description and flow. you also use dialogue very well to complement your narrative and make this a very good book...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Here for the return swap! Sorry it took a while :p

Anyway, I like the first chapter. There are a few things though...

You miss a lot of commas. This is a small thing but there are quite a few places where there should be commas.
When I read your prologue, I know it's supposed to be short, but personally I would add more length to it. More description sentences in it because right now, it reads very choppy and the sentences don't seem to flow. But that may be just me...
I love how you describe the kids in the beginning! That's interesting :)
And the way the professor speaks, it is so believable. I could actually picture someone like him.
When you mention a film name, I think it's supposed to be italicized but, I'm not sure...
But, like I said, small things.

So, I read the first chapter and I love where it's going! I think the story you have going here is great and I can't wait to see more! You end it well as to get the reader hooked and interested. Nice job :)

The story has good tension and you do a great job establishing reasons to care about your characters, especially Nick and Jo. They have strong personalities and their backgrounds are well thought out.

I'm a bit confused by something. In chapter 1, you describe Nick going for a job on Sunday, 11/1/09 and say that was the last time he would leave his wife to go jogging. Then you jump to 11/9/09 with Jo and then you go another two weeks forward to a scene with both Nick and his wife. So why didn't he leave her to go jogging on those other Sundays in between? I would that line was dropped to imply that something horrible would happen to one or both of them before his next Sunday jog.

This is good work. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell

Nice style, you build your story well and I found myself drawn in by the second chapter. Your touch on Alzheimer's was succinct and thoughtful. This book shows great promise and I think it should do well. One very minor point, I would have talked about cola rather than coke which has different connotations for different readers - but this in no way detracts from the tale.
Great stuff - well done

regards

Cyrus - (Hellion3)

Hi Sully

I read that opening prologue with interest. I was a victim of a violent robbery and I can tell you that you have nailed it. I had a pool cue in my hand, but I didn't use it to defend myself. The reason is simple. My mind worked overtime going through senarios as the attacker charged towards me with a blunt weapon aloft. Much the same as is going through the mind of your character. It probably only took seconds, but there is a stange phenoninum that happens when confronted with danger and your mind goes into survival mode. Like it is happening in slow motion.

I had good reason not to fight back, but that's another story. Really I should have defended myself with hindsight.

Enough of the digression.

You have a distinct writing style, which I enjoyed. It is easy to read as it flows well. I loved the para in the second chapter with the mis spelling. It put a smile on my face. There is much to praise you on in your writing, but I doubt that is what you are looking for.

I am with Claire, regarding the adjectives and adverbs, especially in the opening chapter, but I wouldn't lose too many as it adds to your voice and the enjoyment of the read.

My only real crit, is something I am guilty of at times and I find I have to go back through my work a re write the endings of chapters and at times ruthlessly chop chapters.

As a modern thriller, you need to come up with endings to your chapters that leave matters unresolved in such a way that the reader has to turn the page. I am not getting this in your opening chapers/sections, all I am reading is backstory. Great for a character led thriller, but unfortunately these are not what literary agents and publishers are looking for.

As an example you are (Telling us) as the author, his life wont be comfortable, rather than have some event drive the reader to turn the page. It is almost like you are making an excuse and an apology for the lack of action, for the reader to turn the page for the promise action to come. I also think you are starting the story in the wrong place to grab the attention of a literary agent., but then I guess that is the reason for the prologue, because at the back of your mind, I think you know this.

It's strange Claire, your comments on my writing are exactly, almost to the letter, a mirror image of my critiques on most of the other novels on this site. I'm disappointed that I don't always heed my own advice. I don't agree with all of your comments, but most of them are fairly accurate and very much appreciated.
It was very astute of you to realise that my prologue was exactly as you surmised. I am confident that I have a page turner, but only from the third paragraph onwards - a result of too many publisher's rejection letters I guess. Still not sure if it's a bad move though.
You are right again - the 'trying for a family' features prominently in the ongoing tale, shaping the uncertain futures of Nick and Mel Summers. I am confident you would enjoy my novel.
Thanks for your perceptive comments.

Good, strong start. I like that first sentence, straight into the action. I don't know about having it as a prologue, though - but then the discussion about prologues has been done to death so I won't bore you with it here.

"Restless fingers fiddled" is also a great sentence and could work well as a first sentence overall, though there are maybe too many adjectives and adverbs in that first section. fragile hand, desired target, hungry eyes - you can get rid of "desired" for example. Too many adjectives can be a bit of an information overload - give us just a few details to focus on. That said, one example of an adjectival phrase that works well is "the navy blue procession" - I like that a lot, very visual. You do use adjectives well and I think that's part of the problem - they are nice phrases and so I can understand not wanting to get rid of them.

I am also not sure about having a lengthy flashback so early on. I understand you are wanting to flesh out the character for us - but can you weave this in, do it a bit later once we are into the story? I wonder if your prologue was a way of telling us "don't worry, action is coming" - and I'm not sure that's what they should be used for..
Also, be wary of telling what you've already shown - I don't think you need the paragraph that starts "He felt that the incident..." Trust your reader to get that from the story you've told - after all that's the point of including it there, isn't it?

You can obviously write - you have some lovely phrases, like "a jumble of honey and ivory curls" - but I think overall your book could benefit from tighter editing. I find reading out loud is really helpful for hearing where I have too many adjectives or something just doesn't sound quite right.

The thing that drew me to your story, too, was that it wasn't just a straightforward crime/unfortunate accident tale:I like the "trying for a family" aspect which could be the emotional core of the book.

I hope this is helpful - but if not feel free to ditch it. After all, I'm an unpublished writer too!

Hi Sully---as you've been kind enough to comment on my book, I'm returning the favour!

First up, can I suggest you revise your pitch slightly? A pitch should be like the blurb on the back of a book, to hook the reader in--and you do this well in the first few sentences, up to 'dispose of the body' (you need a question mark there). Then, however, you start summarising the plot, something that belongs more properly to a synopsis, rather than a pitch. I think those sentences should be cut, leaving just the last sentence, beginning 'This fast moving story'. Cheers and good luck---killing burglars is definitely a hot topic!

Thanks Sue that's good advice. I've never felt completely happy with my pitch. I am confident you will like the novel more than the pitch. Sully

Hi Sully---as you've been kind enough to comment on my book, I'm returning the favour!

First up, can I suggest you revise your pitch slightly? A pitch should be like the blurb on the back of a book, to hook the reader in--and you do this well in the first few sentences, up to 'dispose of the body' (you need a question mark there). Then, however, you start summarising the plot, something that belongs more properly to a synopsis, rather than a pitch. I think those sentences should be cut, leaving just the last sentence, beginning 'This fast moving story'. Cheers and good luck---killing burglars is definitely a hot topic!

[Reasonable Force]

Hi Sully. I finally got here. I want to thank you once more for reading my book - I guess I fully deserved what you said to me afterwards. I hope this review will make up. Slightly.

Now your book. Well, you draw me in immediately. Your character is believable and likeable. The action description feels realistic and puts us at the front of our seats.

I would, however, delete the part where he is asking himself all those questions. When you are in front of a burglar, you act or you run, but you don't ask yourself those questions. They may come afterwards, so after he killed that 'poor' man.

Apart from that there is little I can say about the book to make it better still. The story about that childhood bully is well thought through, though it is obvious it serves the purpose of explaining why he strikes out before thinking (which makes the part where he does think at the very beginning completely unneccesary).

Good luck with it and sorry for not getting back to you earlier.

Peter

Thanks Peter for your input and backing of my novel. It is much appreciated. I will be reviewing the issue you raised.
Cheers, Sully.

[Reasonable Force]

Hi Sully. I finally got here. I want to thank you once more for reading my book - I guess I fully deserved what you said to me afterwards. I hope this review will make up. Slightly.

Now your book. Well, you draw me in immediately. Your character is believable and likeable. The action description feels realistic and puts us at the front of our seats.

I would, however, delete the part where he is asking himself all those questions. When you are in front of a burglar, you act or you run, but you don't ask yourself those questions. They may come afterwards, so after he killed that 'poor' man.

Apart from that there is little I can say about the book to make it better still. The story about that childhood bully is well thought through, though it is obvious it serves the purpose of explaining why he strikes out before thinking (which makes the part where he does think at the very beginning completely unneccesary).

Good luck with it and sorry for not getting back to you earlier.

Peter

I like your pitch, and this starts really well so I am very tempted to read more as time allows. You have certainly encouraged me to leave a comment, which these days is rare. I am making space on my bookshelf and wish you luck with this story. Lynne, BB.

Thanks very much Lynne - really appreciate your kind words. I always reciprocate any interest in my novel so I will be getting my nose into Brooklyn Bridge as soon as possible. Good luck
Cheers, Sully

I like your pitch, and this starts really well so I am very tempted to read more as time allows. You have certainly encouraged me to leave a comment, which these days is rare. I am making space on my bookshelf and wish you luck with this story. Lynne, BB.

Hi, Sully, this is really well written. I couldn't find anything to crit! I suspect that this will do really well on here and in the outside world. You are tackling an emotive subject, one that many of us will have asked ourselves at some time. Particularly relevant because we hear such stories on the news etc. If I were you, I would do a spot of promoting on the forums to get some deserved attention. You can certainly write and you should be proud of this. You bring your characters to life effortlessly and set a great pace for this type of story. Well done and I really hope you get a lot more comments and backings. At the end of the month, I will reserve a place for you on my shelf. Julie xx

What a heartwarming, generous appraisal Julie thanks. I'll take your advice and bawl me wares out on the forums. You're a smasher. Cheers, Sully.

Hi, Sully, this is really well written. I couldn't find anything to crit! I suspect that this will do really well on here and in the outside world. You are tackling an emotive subject, one that many of us will have asked ourselves at some time. Particularly relevant because we hear such stories on the news etc. If I were you, I would do a spot of promoting on the forums to get some deserved attention. You can certainly write and you should be proud of this. You bring your characters to life effortlessly and set a great pace for this type of story. Well done and I really hope you get a lot more comments and backings. At the end of the month, I will reserve a place for you on my shelf. Julie xx

Hi sully, This is an irresistible story because the characters are so well delineated. I really liked the bully anecdote from Nick's adolescent years leading to his settled life and his career. You can even do a bar scene where the reader likes meeting these people, especially after the vivid presentation of Jo. I'm a fan of mysteries or thrillers that portray characters in their unsuspecting lives before a crime hits. And you've done your atmosphere so well that the scenes breathe with setting too.
My only thought is that the narration sometimes becomes a little heavy and especially at the first chapter. It's probably just a matter of taking out a few words or a sentence here or there so that the action isn't stalled. That was my feeling, otherwise, this is a book that I could continue reading and enjoying. It's very engaging. Shelved and 6 stars - Katherine

Hi Katherine, your comments were much appreciated - feedback such as that is invaluable - will check out chapter 1 again. Finding room on your shelf with all those stars - brilliant! Thanks a lot. Cheers Sully.

Hi sully, This is an irresistible story because the characters are so well delineated. I really liked the bully anecdote from Nick's adolescent years leading to his settled life and his career. You can even do a bar scene where the reader likes meeting these people, especially after the vivid presentation of Jo. I'm a fan of mysteries or thrillers that portray characters in their unsuspecting lives before a crime hits. And you've done your atmosphere so well that the scenes breathe with setting too.
My only thought is that the narration sometimes becomes a little heavy and especially at the first chapter. It's probably just a matter of taking out a few words or a sentence here or there so that the action isn't stalled. That was my feeling, otherwise, this is a book that I could continue reading and enjoying. It's very engaging. Shelved and 6 stars - Katherine

Good first chapter, Christopher ... absorbing. Particularly liked the scene around the school and the playground bully etc. Nice, tight, economical .... I could learn a thing or two from you. I'll read on.

Mick