Kiss Me Farewell (The Snow White Play)

i've read a few other attempts at using archaic english, and shakespearean style, but yours is the only one that manages to carry it off.....fascinating!

Wow. Just wow. When I read your idea I was thinking, 'oh no, here we go.' But I was gripped from the first line. This feels modern and yet reads easily like a Shakespeare. I love that it has elegance but the plot doesn't get lost behind anything to fancy. Fantastic, congratulations :)

read return:
I am completely jealous of this writing style. Honestly, the concept alone is pretty amazing... but you pull it off nicely. I may be one of the few left to read Shakespeare for fun (and to challenge myself)... this is really great. i can't even critique it... too busy reading for enjoyment :)
the witches are awesome, i love their dialogue. Now, explain to me... how do you do this? is there a class you can take, that tells you the rules to script writing in Shakespearian? or is this natural to you? phe-nom-enal!

cheers for now,
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Hi
I must commend you on the completed version of this play. I can only imagine how difficult it was writing this fantastic work, I am a fan of MacBeth, so this was powerful for me.

Your plots and themes are mistakenly unique, your creative and imaginative mind was articulated in an authentic story. Your characters, evil, good, or insane were insightful and intriguing. Bravo, for doing such a good job.

I hope when this gets published and I believe a play writer will snap this right up, it will head for the stage... This type of work is a rarity.

I will back this book when I can, its unusual and unique and really difficult work for an experienced writer...

Good Luck with this
Max stars
Fantastic and bravo!

Thanks
FC

Kiss Me Farewell is one of those books you can’t pass up. For Shakespeare lovers, this is a must. Scene One is set in a treeless dirty bog —great word picture by the way. Three witches, reminiscent of the thunder and lightning opening scenes of Macbeth, bring intrigue and plotting and set a sinister tone to the following chapters. The writing style suggestive of ye old English is cleverly interlaced with fresh expressions giving a satirical twist to the script. E.g., “Come at once you twit your mistress beckons!” “..And, poof, our soul does go.” The juices of the senses keep turning on the spit with each sentence. It takes a great wordsmith to keep churning them out page by page.

We see the cruelty of the Queen after giving birth to a red-haired baby she won’t name. But the compassionate maid takes the child and the nurse, railed by the cruelty, is incensed with words of poison. We feel disgusted, shocked perhaps. No mother would identify with such heartlessness and we wonder what has driven her to this decision. The witches have conjured a vile tale to make their characters suffer. Very Thomas Hardy.

“Where dogs might wag with happy furry tails.” I loved this line. Another well crafted and easy to see word picture. I enjoyed Act 1.3. (Chapter 6) Cook and Margarete bring a semblance of relief to a tense beginning. I didn’t manage to read Chapter 7 due to an error on the website but I certainly hope to come back for more. Many stars. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

i've read a few other attempts at using archaic english, and shakespearean style, but yours is the only one that manages to carry it off.....fascinating!

Wow. Just wow. When I read your idea I was thinking, 'oh no, here we go.' But I was gripped from the first line. This feels modern and yet reads easily like a Shakespeare. I love that it has elegance but the plot doesn't get lost behind anything to fancy. Fantastic, congratulations :)

Return read.

This is great work, as good a play as any that i have read (i've only read the good ones!) i know how difficult it can be, to not only write in this style, but to also write it as a play. You've managed it very well. You scenes were very fluid to follow, i didnt stumble on anything.
I'm sorry i cant critique you on anything, but i truly couldnt find fault.

Excellent work.
High stars

Claire C Riley
Limerence

read return:
I am completely jealous of this writing style. Honestly, the concept alone is pretty amazing... but you pull it off nicely. I may be one of the few left to read Shakespeare for fun (and to challenge myself)... this is really great. i can't even critique it... too busy reading for enjoyment :)
the witches are awesome, i love their dialogue. Now, explain to me... how do you do this? is there a class you can take, that tells you the rules to script writing in Shakespearian? or is this natural to you? phe-nom-enal!

cheers for now,
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

This is an interesting idea! I think it mainly works really well. I like the humour from the nasty queen not going to suckle her baby like some cow with a calf! The maid's speech about the baby is very sweet. So a nice balance of humour and pathos there. Doing the witches scene in rhyming couplets is a big ask but mainly comes off. What's trife though? I think it should be crone not croon too.
I think there are a few bits that don't make sense 'Touch it I not' has an I slipped in somehow. 'How can one so damn be so cold that queen' Also monarchy reign, which monarch?
High stars for amazing originality. This is something very different.

Club Grimoire.
Kiss me Farewell the snow white play.

Its a wonderful change to be reading something so unique on the site. A play - a shakespearean play is something I wasn't expecting.
I cannot say that I'm an expert at writing plays, but I have been known to read them, and Shakespeare is a favourite of mine. I have to say you have put this play together beautifully.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book ne.The Rock Star

Club Grimoire Critique

A play! I realise that while the title did call it a play, I was not expecting one. But like many authonomites I am a Shakespeare lover, and Macbeth in particular holds a place in my heart as the first play I ever studied. You've hit upon a great idea here, and have given some fantastic imagery in this first chapter, however a lot of the grammar has me frowning, even given that it's meant to emulate Elizabethan language. For example, I can't make sense of the line 'My theater begun that we play parts', it seems like there are words missing, or perhaps that begun is in the wrong tense, or maybe it was supposed to carry on from the previous sentence, in which case there shouldn't be a full stop. And there are quite a few sentences or sentence fragments like it.

So keep a watchful eye when editing and this could be a fantastic homage!

KT

Club Grimoire Review

You have clearly put a lot of work into making the lines flow in rhyme while still following a plot, not an easy thing to achieve. It is an interesting concept, mixing Snow White with Shakespeare, and not an easy one. I am a fan of Shakespeare, and although you must be in the right frame of mind to appreciate the plays they flow into the soul. One of the biggest things I enjoy about his work is that it is perfect poetry without rhyming. For the first several stanzas you were rhyming in an easier way but the last segment was very hard to read for me. I can imagine that it is easier to comprehend when it is being recited but I found it hard to get through.
Of course I am not a playwright and do not know what theaters are looking for in new material so I am perhaps not the best judge. I leave it for you to take with a very large grain of salt and completely ignore me if it does not fit what you feel is best.
Meagan
The Green Eyed Girl

Club Grimoire Review

Intro.

I'm not acquainted with plays, nor am I a Shakespeare fan (my interests incline me to Edmund Spencer). I do like to read certain poetry though, and I write it too, so I'll try to be of some help in my review. All I can really do is go with my instincts.

You've shown you have skill in the shifting poetic metres as we read through the intro. and scene 1. There is full rhyme, half rhyme and alliteration also. I like the caste of words that you use, and the words are strong, forceful. From what I've read of Shakespeare, they seem very faithful to his vocab and era. I'm fairly acquainted with archaic language, so I'm grasping the meaning of the lines and getting into the story.

The setting for the intro. is well chosen. Almost anyone will be familiar with the witches of Macbeth. A bog with mist and moaning, chanting witches - this is more my thing. My fave lines? The last 4.

I enjoyed Act 1 scene 1. I liked the characters, the cruel self-pitying queen, the kind pitiful maid. For what it's worth, the poetry to me seems very authentic to a Shakespearian play. A story is clearly developing, and the scene is brought to life superbly. Some great lines.

Well done. Will read more as the Grimoire comp. ensues!

Arnbjorn

Club Grimoire Review - Kiss Me Farewell (The Snow White Play)
Jules Haigler


**Kiss Me Farewell - Induction **

I like the opening, but I think you give away too much when Witch 1 (why not give them names? – this is too reminiscent of MacBeth’s witches), says she wants to meddle with people to teach them life lessons. (At least – that’s what I interpreted.) – Can’t she just meddle for the sake of meddling and mischief? They’re witches, and not likely to care much about any moral outcome.

**Act 1.1**

“Croon” – maybe “crone”? – of course, Shakespeare was very good at making up his own words which have not become common use in the English language.

Interesting twist in the Snow White story – that her birth mother is the one to cast her aside, and not the stereotypical step-mother. This seems to make her even more terrible.

**Act 1.2**

Oh – I see – these are supposed to be the witches from Macbeth . . . does this make it fanfiction? (Sorry – I couldn’t resist). Except – they didn’t actually create the tragedy in Macbeth – they only foretold of it.

This is probably the most unique thing I’ve read on Authonomy. I haven’t read a Shakespearian play since I was in University (where I was required to read them all) – but the beginning of this is very poetic (as I’m sure was intended), your use of language is intriguing, and I can only imagine the hours you have spent writing each scene. I think even Shakespeare would be impressed with this bit of literary art.

Jenny

Your rich, poetic verse really captures the Macbethian spirit. I loved the witch's chant when they dance! Top Stars!

Club Grimoire Review:

I have admittedly had little experience with reading plays, and as such can't offer much in terms of advice on the technical aspects.

That said, I find your first scene very engaging. Witches are a motive that all can understand to mean something is wrong in the world, and that sets the stage well for what is to come. The nod to Shakespeare's witches is nice too for those who know the story.

One thing I think, just from reading the first chapter, is that I am unsure of what the plot is about, not counting your promo at the top. In a performed play, the pacing is enough that the plot is explained in due course, so it doesn't matter; just something to think about.

Great introduction, though! I will likely come back to this to read on when I have the time.

Club Grimoire Critique

As the witches in Macbeth are my favourite Shakespearean characters this could have gone one of two ways. I am very glad to say that I loved the authenticity of the prose and was taken back to a time when I had time to study Shakespeare.

This is a really unusual and original idea for a story and I cant wait to see where you are going with it. The only criticism I could find was that the pitch could do with splitting into seperate paragraphs to make it easier to read.

Cheryl
Luna

Club Grimoire Critique

I've never seen a play on Autho before, so this was a first for me. I read the Intro and Act 1.1, and my first thought was that I was very impressed that you managed to make it all rhyme!

I know very little about plays and scripts, so I don't think I can offer anything useful on format. As a reader, my only criticism would be that I found the archaic language and phrasing a little difficult to process. However, I don't think I'm your intended audience at all! Otherwise, I thought your characters were nicely portrayed, and I liked the Queen and her conversation with the maid a lot.

A very obviously skilled piece of work, good luck with it :)

KT

CG Review:

I'm hopefully just joining the Club Grimoire forum. Macbeth was my first and favorite Shakespeare play I read in 7th grade. I love your writing, the imagery is well written and the story is developing great. I've read through chapter 4 and am highly impressed.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://www.authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

Hello Jules:

What a tremendous accomplishment! Kiss Me Farewell is an amazing work of which you can be very proud.

One of my favorite lines: "Old age comes like a dying tree in new woods."

Blessings.

James

Club Grimoire Review-

I do not remember if I have left you a review of your work. But I do know I have looked it over before having seen you pitch it in the forums.

I do not know if this work was hard for you to write out seeing that is very rythmic and very polished, very structured.

It is very pleasing to see someone trying to and succeding at this sort of work now a days.

Most people just write.

But you are exceeding in writing a play amongst your other books. Which is very astonishing to me. But alas

I can see this somewhere out there in the world on a shelve.

I have already starred this highly.

-Elora

Club Grimoire Review

I've read the 1st two chapters and the only negative I can give is that I've never really appreciated plays.

The way you write is amazing, I read out loud the witches in the first chapter and it was really cool. The timing of your words is perfect.

The Maid and Orphillia talking in the second chapter I read was really interesting too. I'm probably not the best to give my opinion on this but I'm sure that there's plenty out there who would love it. I'm actually now interested to see how the rest of it shapes up just out of curiosity and to see if I can find a new fondness of plays.

Best of luck with your work

John

Club Grimoire Critique

Read the into and act one scene one; can see how the characters are developing, I'm interested to know if Orphillia will accept the child or not. One comment, and this i s a personal preference as it could be too much for some readers not used to Shakespearian, would be to up the archaic language slightly, you have the faintest hit of it in places but there could be more.
Over all a good read, I wasn't expecting to enjoy it but I did.

Club Grimoire Review
This is a marvellous play, I congratulate you on finishing a play such as this, I can see a lot of time has been put into this! Shakespeare, well, it has the markings of it, I prefer to differ with those who have already commented on the similarities. Just watch 'Shakespeare The Man Behind the Plays' on youtube.com, you'll see what I mean. From reading only 2 small acts, I can't tell, really. But I do like your work :-) 5 stars. All the best with it.
DJC

Club Grimoire Critique -

Your choice to write this in play format is an intriguing one, as is the subject matter being reworked with Shakespearean influences.

I have only read the opening scene, but you appear to have nailed the witches head-on. The only concern I would have with this is you imitating them so well that they don't become your own creations. I haven't read enough to know whether this is the case throughout, just something for you think about.

Club Grimoire: Kiss me Farewell
A play! That's the first one of these I've seen on autho. It's very refreshing. It's totally fabulous so far, and it does feel like a fresh twist on the classic tale. You've definitely introduced new motivations, new character angles, and creepy, more darkly magical tones that make it feel like a whole new story. The diction is original (or very old, its been a while since I've read any Shakespeare!), and fun to read. 

Here's some thoughts: 
Characters: the only thing I noticed - I'm not sure it's necessary that you demarcate the owner of the orphanage as "female" (just a thought)
Scene 1: (introduction) 
[Setting— Treeless dirty bog with mist and moaning.] - I'm not sure that you need to describe a bog as dirty (also, I'm not sure it can be realised on stage that way)
Bored and need of pleasure my folding skin, - I think it should be needING of pleasure 
Have any comments sisters stand surprise. - "comments" doesn't suit your diction use thus far. It's too modern. At the very least, remark would do as a synonym, but I think something more antiquated would suit better. (but also, this line didn't really make sense)

Act 1.1:

Dear me my lovely locks dripping with sweat. - this line feels out of rhythm a bit to me. I'm wondering if you can't cut down on the syllables? (maybe get rid of "dear me")
I like how you insert humour into otherwise elegant and dramatic prose. Very Shakespearean of you. :) 
Touch it I not if you value your neck! - I could just be poorly educated in Shakespearean English, but I'm not sure this is right... (nor, Leave I sleep! - cant it be leave me sleep?) I could be way wrong though ;)
I really like how you're twisting this Snow White tale, so I'm going to read another chapter. 

Act 1.2 
Ok so the only thing I wasn't sure how I felt about was the Macbeth reference. Lots of writers love referencing though, so fair enough. Up to you. Otherwise, I love the witches incantation - its utterly horrible and beautifully written, and it ends so well. I must say that while I liked 1.1, I loved 1.2. I love how you've used rhythm and played with formatting, and it's ended with a strong hook that now making me turn to chapter 3. Damn it. 

Act 1.3 
I like Marguerete immediately. Helpful, enthusiastic, and fun, yet sensitive, and still a girl - she feels well-formed already.
With a hug I offer thee thanks. Hug should probably be embrace. Too colloquial. 
The transitions in these speeches feel a little less smooth than the rest - like you're trying to force subjects/themes you want to discuss. Try to make bringing them up a bit more organic. Also, I'm not sure how I feel about "A man she needs... To womanhood and marriage she thus owes." however, that might just be the voice of the cook - and not of the book! :). 
Overall, I think this is a fantastic concept, and very fun! Six stars, absolutely.
Anyway, hope that helps!
E

Club Grimoire Review

Kiss Me Farewell

I’ve read the first two chapters.

“with mist and moaning” is a wonderful way to describe a place.

I haven’t read anything on here quite like this - it’s a lovely surprise. Much poetry that relies on rhymes had weak spots - places where the rhymes seem forced and unlikely. I haven’t found anything like that here.

The first chapter with the three witches made me think more of Terry Pratchett than it did Shakespeare, which probably tells you all you need to know about my reading habits!

I worry I’m not sufficiently well-versed in this style of writing to offer any useful crit - but you have a smooth manuscript and an enjoyable style. I can only imagine how difficult and challenging such a thing must have been to write.

In Ch 2, “gentle fierce voice” is nice. So is “that hem your two eyes.”
Should “aught” be “ought”? With an “a” I think it means something close to “anything”, rather than “should.”

I’m going to star this highly because although it certainly isn’t my usual read, I admire the skill and the work that has gone into creating it.

Lucy

CLF Review

I just read the first 8 chapters of your book and definitely plan to WL this and read more. I've always been a Shakespeare fan and have loved the poetic words in the King James Bible, so this book greatly appealed to me. I wasn't expecting this tale to be so well-written, and I'm sure it took much time. It reminded me of a romantic fairy tale mix of MacBeth and Romeo and Juliet, and spoke right to my heart. How ingenious to create your own version of Snow White and turn it into a lovely, spell-binding Shakespearean play! I love the Christian theme also. I already give you 6 stars for this! I can't wait to read the rest.

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Club Grimoire Review:

I read on through autho chapters one and two. I have to say, the way this reads like a script makes me think of a mix between Shakespeare and the Broadway play Wicked (minus the music). This is a really interesting concept. From reading a lot of Shakespeare (both for entertainment and analytically), I found your MS fun and enchanting, but most of all lyrical (if that makes sense).

While it’s a unique spin on the story, I can’t help but wonder from the first chapter what really makes it stand out on its own (which can be a good or bad thing, and depends on your intended audience). I will be back to read more :)

Brittany E.
Melaney and the Mirror

Hi there,
I don't normally read screen plays or plays in general. In fact I havn't read one since high school when Shakespeare was required reading.
I do like to go to see the plays performed.
So I will not give you any real type of critiquing except to say - I loved the dance at the end of Chapter two. Their chant was really good.

Best of Luck, I will Watch List this book to follow and keep reading for the Club Grimoire.

Linda Nelson

I fixed a few of these things since you last read it. Thank you. I have taken many classes on Shakespeare and I know his use of rhyming though some plays like Midsummer was almost done completely in rhyme. Also Shakespeare did not use much stage direction. He left much to the imagination and creativity of the actors and producers of his plays.

Kiss Me farewell - The Snow White Play
Club Grimoire Crit
Given this is all about the words, you need to really watch out for them typos: trife for strife, naves for knaves. I query if American spelling and Shakespearian prose style are truly compatible, as in ‘theater’.

At the end of Scene One might we actually get a bell? Perhaps one of the witches has a bell or we hear a distant ringing of a bell?

Then at the beginning of scene two we might hear the bell again but this time calling the hour through the open window and thus telling the audience the scenes are somehow linked.

The verse is mostly good. A few glitches in the rhyme:
Fake, bake, make, takes, for example. Takes and make do not rhyme (and yes I know about half rhymes!)

Dwell, nail, hell, spell, knell, bell is awkward since ‘nail’ doesn’t really rhyme with the rest.

At times there is a clear rhyming pattern and at others not and there seems no clear reason in the text for the distinction. The sense is that it rhymes when you could get it to rhyme and doesn’t when you couldn’t. I would suggest a study of Shakespeare to see how he uses rhyme or, restricting rhyme to:
Moments of dramatic tension.
Long speeches by a single character.
Moments when the characters are trying to outdo each other in wickedness or cleverness.

In other words, use the rhyme as a tool for emphasis rather than as something you try for all the time.
Using rhyme less will help you with the scansion which is a little wayward at times. I would suggest scansion always and rhyme added for effect. Sacrificing scansion for rhyme seems a bad move. I assume you're counting the beats and reading it aloud.

Practical question. This is a misty night so how are the audience seeing this? By moonlight? By the light of the fire? If the witches each have a lantern then the spectacle when they are moving (dancing? Jigging about like demented fireflies? ) could be much more interesting, even raising the question of whether they are actually the point of light and the flesh only a manifestation of the light. If the first witch makes a fire by igniting a bush, then we again have interesting imagery. Perhaps she ignites a small tree, thus giving a nod to Godot.
Either way, keep in mind that the audience must have something to look at in addition to the words.

Next scene. Already suggested a bell tolling the hour.
Query, how do we know this is London?
Query how do we know she has just given birth? Might we see the empty cradle by the bed? Or perhaps we hear the baby crying.
In what way is the baby cursed. Is it cursed or is she damning it in some way?
BTW. Orphilia’s opening speech is crying out to be in rhyme.
Reading on, if we hear the child crying in the distance and she only has concern for herself we immediately know her true character.
Again there is the sense that it rhymes when it happens to rhyme but no sense that you are using it to effect. The rhyming pattern seems all over the place.

“Do you jest, have that creature at me lick,
Like any cow giving up mother’s milk?
Be gone you fool, before you make me sick
And returning haste, lay out my best silk”

The soliloquy beginning “What one does with love, I dare not think thought”, would be an example of striving too hard for rhyme at the expense of rhythm.

What care I for love? I do not think it’s
True what all folk tell. Give me my trinkets:
In rubies and emeralds of the earth
And silver and gold shall I measure worth

On the whole, the language in this scene is less successful than in the first. It seems to be striving too hard and the conflict between action and character is trampled by the demands of scansion and rhyme. It is a hard read and the necessary rhythm of the language seems missing.

But, and it's a big but, this is a very noble effort and very worth pursuing. Indeed, the very fact you are even attempting it earns significant brownie points and the excruciating demands it’s going to make on your abilities will make you a more eloquent, melifluous, dextrous and capable writer.

Kiss Me farewell - The Snow White Play
Club Grimoire Crit
Given this is all about the words, you need to really watch out for them typos: trife for strife, naves for knaves. I query if American spelling and Shakespearian prose style are truly compatible, as in ‘theater’.

At the end of Scene One might we actually get a bell? Perhaps one of the witches has a bell or we hear a distant ringing of a bell?

Then at the beginning of scene two we might hear the bell again but this time calling the hour through the open window and thus telling the audience the scenes are somehow linked.

The verse is mostly good. A few glitches in the rhyme:
Fake, bake, make, takes, for example. Takes and make do not rhyme (and yes I know about half rhymes!)

Dwell, nail, hell, spell, knell, bell is awkward since ‘nail’ doesn’t really rhyme with the rest.

At times there is a clear rhyming pattern and at others not and there seems no clear reason in the text for the distinction. The sense is that it rhymes when you could get it to rhyme and doesn’t when you couldn’t. I would suggest a study of Shakespeare to see how he uses rhyme or, restricting rhyme to:
Moments of dramatic tension.
Long speeches by a single character.
Moments when the characters are trying to outdo each other in wickedness or cleverness.

In other words, use the rhyme as a tool for emphasis rather than as something you try for all the time.
Using rhyme less will help you with the scansion which is a little wayward at times. I would suggest scansion always and rhyme added for effect. Sacrificing scansion for rhyme seems a bad move. I assume you're counting the beats and reading it aloud.

Practical question. This is a misty night so how are the audience seeing this? By moonlight? By the light of the fire? If the witches each have a lantern then the spectacle when they are moving (dancing? Jigging about like demented fireflies? ) could be much more interesting, even raising the question of whether they are actually the point of light and the flesh only a manifestation of the light. If the first witch makes a fire by igniting a bush, then we again have interesting imagery. Perhaps she ignites a small tree, thus giving a nod to Godot.
Either way, keep in mind that the audience must have something to look at in addition to the words.

Next scene. Already suggested a bell tolling the hour.
Query, how do we know this is London?
Query how do we know she has just given birth? Might we see the empty cradle by the bed? Or perhaps we hear the baby crying.
In what way is the baby cursed. Is it cursed or is she damning it in some way?
BTW. Orphilia’s opening speech is crying out to be in rhyme.
Reading on, if we hear the child crying in the distance and she only has concern for herself we immediately know her true character.
Again there is the sense that it rhymes when it happens to rhyme but no sense that you are using it to effect. The rhyming pattern seems all over the place.

“Do you jest, have that creature at me lick,
Like any cow giving up mother’s milk?
Be gone you fool, before you make me sick
And returning haste, lay out my best silk”

The soliloquy beginning “What one does with love, I dare not think thought”, would be an example of striving too hard for rhyme at the expense of rhythm.

What care I for love? I do not think it’s
True what all folk tell. Give me my trinkets:
In rubies and emeralds of the earth
And silver and gold shall I measure worth

On the whole, the language in this scene is less successful than in the first. It seems to be striving too hard and the conflict between action and character is trampled by the demands of scansion and rhyme. It is a hard read and the necessary rhythm of the language seems missing.

But, and it's a big but, this is a very noble effort and very worth pursuing. Indeed, the very fact you are even attempting it earns significant brownie points and the excruciating demands it’s going to make on your abilities will make you a more eloquent, melifluous, dextrous and capable writer.

Club Grimoire review:
To start with—I really know nothing about plays, so I could be completely off base with all of this.
You’ve absolutely nailed the Macbeth connection. The diction and rhythm of the words is absolutely Shakespearian. I am suitably impressed.
The atmosphere you have created through the witches’ chanting is perfectly eerie and spooky.
Since a play is meant to be seen, not read, punctuation is probably not a big deal, but as it was all I could find…
I might be reading this sentence completely wrong but with “Bored and need of pleasure my folding skin,” shouldn’t the comma be after “pleasure” not “skin”?
“Here we be my sister, your loving pair.” Should probably be: “Here we be, my sister, your loving pair.”
“taint the foul filthy troubled air” might need some commas between all those adjectives.
“tell me quick my sister dear” should probably be “tell me quick, my sister dear” Same with “Tell me my sister dear”
“Blister, blister forge and fake,” –another comma after the second “blister”?
Anyway, absolutely brilliant. Highly starred.

Wow, ok, where to begin....??

I've worked widely in the Arts, and have a background in Theatre and Playwriting, which is how I first came to learn of Authonomy in my research of how to submit to the big publisher's. So as someone who's attended a lot of Writer's Groups, and also done my share of Acting and Performance work along the way, I'm ecstatic I've discovered your work through this forum.

So for all that cain-of-events, I genuinely know the of the effort that goes into such a format of writing; the devising and the redrafting. And so to see it as you've done it is no easy feat.

FULL STARS for you based on what I've read here. So take it from me, you are talented, my friend. So check out your local theatre, and see what's on offer...

Club Grimoire Review

I am hesitant to critique plays as I'm not very familiar with the genre. Armed with a "How to review a script" guide, I'm going to try.

Audio-visual:

According to my guide, there should be action cues to give you an idea of what the characters are doing. I do see these here - waving arms, making a hexing circle, etc. I think there should be a few more personal directives for the witches to create the scene - cackling maybe, more arm waving. Perhaps someone dropping some sort of ingredient into the flames. That's just a suggestion though - since I'm taking my first crack at trying to review a play I might have no idea what I'm talking about :)

Mechanics:

I think you portrayed the three hags from Hamlet pretty accurately. I enjoyed their plan for mayhem, though I noticed some punctuation errors, and some awkward lines especially when Witch 1 was speaking. There's a line that looks like an awkward enjambment, but I think it's just because you forgot to indent the second part of the line.

All in all, I like the scene. I've read chapters 1 and 2. I think you're doing a great job with your reinvention of Shakespeare so far :)

What can I say...I can't get by the first "chapter". I don't read scripts of plays or films. Not a big fan of Shakespear; however, I am sure you will have your fans here.
Good luck with it.
Pat

Read Chapter One which is a cast of characters, and Chapter Two which begins the fabulous storytelling of this work.

I am speechless at the uniquity of this work of art. I feel compelled to read it all merely based on the format. I am certain that as the story unfolds there will be more facets to this gem. The promise of a truly memorable story is well defined in the beginning.

CLUB GRIMORIE FOR FANTASY WRITERS CRITIQUE

I read Chapter One which is a cast of characters, and Chapter Two which begins the fabulous storytelling of this work.

I am speechless at the uniquity of this work of art. I feel compelled to read it all merely based on the format. I am certain that as the story unfolds there will be more facets to this gem. The promise of a truly memorable story is well defined in the beginning.

Congratulations, Jules. Well done, indeed.

Mary Enck

Club Gimiore...

Hi,

It takes a great mind to sit and think about the connection of words so they can flow and yet, be meaningful to create a play with intrigue, love, spells, and all the goodies.

I have one little suggestion:
'chant our yell' snagged for me... maybe consider reversing: hear our chanting, wailing our spell or something like that so it'll give it more meaning. I think it will air in placing perspective on the entire ritual. I say this because on the top you reference she's drawing a circle that will inginite in flames and she's chanting. So to make it a tiny bit clearer I choose the word 'spell'.

I'm sorry if i got it wrong-only trying to help. Not telling you how to write. I could never, ever pull something like this off....

I read more chapters, but this was the only nit pick i found. The only thing that made me say, what? Go back. Then again, its all subjective...this play is in your head, and you do tell it beautifully with strong visuals.

Best of luck
This is easy to read and flows
high stars!

Nancy
Backward Glances

Club Grimoire for Fantasy Writers critique.

Hi Jules,
I am a Shakespeare fan and one of my favorites happens to be the Scottish play. That said, I could picture this as one of his works. You have the cadence to a tee and the characters are fleshed out, despite this being mostly dialog.

I seem to recall a tad more stage direction from the bard. Also, I am utterly unsure what should and shouldn't go in the script of a play. That said, I would like to see more scene setting. Is direction allowed in scripts? When the maid comes in to the queen, could it be possible to have a thumbnail of what she looks like? I gather she might be old.

I loved the witches scene. I am in total admiration of the word choices and the effort that went into them. I also love the creativity in the final spell of their sessions. I think you beat the bard hands down there. One thing I would like more is atmospherics. Is this late at night? Is there a special place in the bogs where they meet? Just a tad more to increase an already good atmosphere.

William seems a complex man. I'd like a handle on his probable age, given that he is courting the queen and has notions about Margaret. Also, what is the back story of the queen? Why does she hate Margaret from the get go? I understand that she is the vain queen from Snow White, but I would like some motivations. Frex, did she hate her late husband?

I don't know if this is any good to you as I am clueless with plays. I think it is great script and well constructed. Thanks for sharing.

Hi
I must commend you on the completed version of this play. I can only imagine how difficult it was writing this fantastic work, I am a fan of MacBeth, so this was powerful for me.

Your plots and themes are mistakenly unique, your creative and imaginative mind was articulated in an authentic story. Your characters, evil, good, or insane were insightful and intriguing. Bravo, for doing such a good job.

I hope when this gets published and I believe a play writer will snap this right up, it will head for the stage... This type of work is a rarity.

I will back this book when I can, its unusual and unique and really difficult work for an experienced writer...

Good Luck with this
Max stars
Fantastic and bravo!

Thanks
FC

I haven't read anything like this since i was at school and it isn't my type of thing really. But it is hard to fault, the use of language is fantastic and the characters good as well. would love to see this on stage to get a better feel of it. highly rated
Terence

Having read only the first few chapters (acts?), I recognize this as a marvelous play. The dialogue is so beautiful and meaningful. The only concern that I have is that only a select group of readers would be receptive to a play of such classic beauty and intelligence. That, however, does not diminish the pure poetry of the writing and I wish you the very best in getting it published. Pat

Beautifully written!
I think the title is wonderfully for portraying the book.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time.

Jules--I couldn't make it through all the chapters, so I skipped to the end. It's remarkable that you have written 42 units. I can't imagine.

Just one question: Do you really want the witches to be chipper at the end? I probably missed some transition, but wouldn't witches be a little witchy about the story turning out so well? It seems like you could make your same point at the end by a begrudging, cranky aquiesence on their part. Just a prose-guy's opinion.

Read through chapter 17. I am enjoying the story you are telling. I really can’t comment much on the writing because I have never tried to write a play in the tradition of Shakespeare. I like the twists of plot, the way love is the way out, the answer. I like the character of Prince Phillip of Spain and how he wants to test Margarete to see if her love is real by not letting her know he is a prince. I can see the parallels between this story and the Christian story...themes of sacrificial love contrasted with selfishness and greed. Vanity is the Queen’s downfall and all Richard a.k.a Satan has to do is place a mirror in her hand to gain control of the kingdom. I have already given you high stars. A very unique idea. You are a talented writer. You make this idea work. Good luck with this!

Love the line in chapter 7...
"She is but my throne and I but her chair"
Reading on....
Georgia

Kiss Me Farewell is one of those books you can’t pass up. For Shakespeare lovers, this is a must. Scene One is set in a treeless dirty bog —great word picture by the way. Three witches, reminiscent of the thunder and lightning opening scenes of Macbeth, bring intrigue and plotting and set a sinister tone to the following chapters. The writing style suggestive of ye old English is cleverly interlaced with fresh expressions giving a satirical twist to the script. E.g., “Come at once you twit your mistress beckons!” “..And, poof, our soul does go.” The juices of the senses keep turning on the spit with each sentence. It takes a great wordsmith to keep churning them out page by page.

We see the cruelty of the Queen after giving birth to a red-haired baby she won’t name. But the compassionate maid takes the child and the nurse, railed by the cruelty, is incensed with words of poison. We feel disgusted, shocked perhaps. No mother would identify with such heartlessness and we wonder what has driven her to this decision. The witches have conjured a vile tale to make their characters suffer. Very Thomas Hardy.

“Where dogs might wag with happy furry tails.” I loved this line. Another well crafted and easy to see word picture. I enjoyed Act 1.3. (Chapter 6) Cook and Margarete bring a semblance of relief to a tense beginning. I didn’t manage to read Chapter 7 due to an error on the website but I certainly hope to come back for more. Many stars. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hi Jules,
Here for the CLF review. The poetic and rhythmical language you use is quite awe inspiring. Beautifully written, masterfully designed and magnificently expressed. Personally, I like your writing more than Shakespeare's, as it is easier to read and understand from a modern day perspective.
However, having read four chapters, I find I cannot go further. The evil undertones and the witches' intentions grieve me so much that I simply cannot continue.

Jules--This is on chapter 6 for CLF. You gave me, a chess player, a laugh with: "Then away to castle to check my mate."

I wonder about this line about the queen: "Cosmos is hers; she has nothing to give." If the world is hers she would have everything to give if she wanted. Your point is that she may have nothing she needs (except maybe that really good mirror the servant suggests).

Jules, very nice book! I've read through chapter 19 and am enjoying your book very much. The contrast of personalities of the Queen and the Princess is well done. There is high drama and tension in this story. The Queen feels she sits in such a high place that no one can touch her, and she indicates or implies that she has no regard for a belief in God. I did find that interesting for your story because I think historically monarchs (the good and the bad) have held a strong belief in God. Anyway, as a character for your story, she, as Queen, is full of conceit and apparently feels she is entitled to treat others with total disregard and disrespect and that unfortunately includes those of her family. In contrast of course the Princess is like an angel. Obviously William won his place as King by appealing to the extreme vanity of the Queen and he's clearly a nightmare for everyone else concerned and to top it off he has designs on the Princess and a plot in mind for murder of the Queen. This is a tremendously good plot, as it will be interesting to see what effect the Prince of Spain will have on these relationships and what part he will play once he understands the situation more. By falling in love with the Princess he has certainly placed himself in a precarious position. I hope the outcome is favorable for him and the Princess!

You are such a talented writer, Jules. You show so much ability. I am very impressed by you. I am far from an expert in this particular genre and feel disqualified therefore from making attempts at critiquing your work. I simply wish to offer you my compliments on what you've done. From where I sit it's excellent writing.

Hi Jules,

Here’s another CLF review based on chapters seven through eighteen.

You have created a great story and I’m enjoying all the twisting of the plot. Unlike a novel, the viewer is able to see all the motivations of the players whether for evil or for good, and the audience is able to sit back and watch and wonder how it will all unfold.

I am surprised at how much I can comprehend despite the Shakespeare type writing. I can’t imagine how difficult this must have been to write something like this and yet it is complete! That is amazing. What else is amazing is I am actually enjoying the prose and story. I’m quite caught up in it now. Way to go, Jules. I’m so impressed with your work.

Here are some notes I made as I read
.
Chapter seven

I don’t know how to write Shakespeare type plays but is this what you want when citizen one speaks?

“Is it not enough to tax us (enough?)”

It’s beautiful what Phillip says in paragraph starting with “No other name has made blossoms bloom fresh…“

Chapter eleven

Not pick a chick? This is funny.

Chapter eighteen -

After William says “I will not tolerate foolery from Spain” Ophilia is in bold type

Temple speaks, “May (My?) company and I honor thee bow.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hi Jules
For the CLF forum just want to commend you for a wonderful job done. I don't get into Shakespeare so the reading was sometimes hard for me, but a wonderful undertaking.

Best of luck with your writing.
Blessings, Joy

Hi Jules
For the CLF forum just want to commend you for a wonderful job done. I don't get into Shakespeare so the reading was sometimes hard for me, but a wonderful undertaking.

Best of luck with your writing.
Blessings, Joy