Book Jacket

 

rank 2687
word count 66394
date submitted 20.11.2011
date updated 18.09.2013
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Horror
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Lord Protector

Samuel Z Jones

The evil empress is defeated, but the land lies in ruins. Starvation and superstition reign. One good knight will light the ensuing dark age.

 

Sabra Daishen, the Red Knight of the Rebellion, has gone north to secure the borders against the allies of the defeated Empress. Behind her, the Daishen leaves a land devastated by war and one trusted knight to rebuild the fallen nations.

Sir Taran Denebar, wise in the ways of knighthood and sworn to the Daishen's quest, must restore order among the rebel factions before the Darician Plateau collapses again into civil war. The Revolutionary Women's Regiment are rapidly seizing Kellia and the Rebel Separatists have laid claim to Daricia. Southern Kellia is rife with witch-hunts and die-hard Imperial outlaws.

But on her way north, Sabra Daishen has earned the wrath of Red Shakasha. Forbidden by gaes from direct vengeance, the immortal sorceress comes to Sabra's homeland to wreak bloody retribution.





 
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tags

dragon, fantasy, knight, magic, monster, sorcery, sword, vampire, werewolf, witch, wizard, zombie

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11 comments

 

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Jarod Lee Ringer wrote 869 days ago

Vivid detail. I can feel the world you created as much as I can see it. Your characters seem real and have a realistic depth that is hard to find in fantasy novels. I am a former soldier and can relate to the thoughts and feelings of your characters. Well done.

tracy t wrote 80 days ago

Hi Samuel
Just read the first three chapters so far and I have enjoyed it.
I was disappointed to read "gunshot" as I thought this was a world of swords.
I am a fantasy fan and have enjoyed it so far, going to back it for a while and will come back read more when I can.
I notice it is not finished yet, are you nearly there?
If you get a chance could you please have a look at my fantasy book for young adults called Oracle's Quest? Cheers.
Tracy

Software wrote 245 days ago

Very nice combination of gory horror mixed with an array of heroes and villains makes The Lord Protector very readable and enjoyable. High stars and WL'ed. Would like to read more and when complete will be a bookshelf contender.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

jlbwye wrote 730 days ago

The Lord Protector. My first take after reading your pitches is - great, at least the theme is to build up again AFTER a big battle! I like your choice of names.
I am no expert, and fantasy is not my usual read, but I have learned sooo much from this site (like you), and my tastes have widened.
Ch.1. A blazing, atmospheric beginning.
Do you want nits? In that first paragraph, you have four 'her's in one sentence. And it might be welll to do further searches on the use of that word. Others to watch out for: was, even, know/ing.
Some unnecessary / vague words spoil the flow, and you'd lose nothing by deleting them: barely, seemed to, so far, still, inadequately, very, only, both, meanwhile (Ch.2) eventually, already, momentarily, almost.

It wouldnt take much to fine-tune your lovely descriptive prose.
And so, they are off on a noble mission...

Ch.2. Those two 'had's in the first sentence jar a bit.
I'm enjoying the interaction between Ace and Shakasha, which you tinge with humour, and I can picture them clearly.
That cliche about opening a whole new can of worms shouts at me somewhat.
I see now what you mean by the can of worms. Bet you've enjoyed writing this inside-out scene.
And Ace is turning into an affable fairy godfather! I'm enjoying this.
Did you mean to include those two green notes at the end of this chapter?

Oh - there's an error so I cant read on.

I've really enjoyed what you've written. You have an easy style, endearing characters, and a refreshing sense of humour. There's a bit of editing to be done, but we all have to do it, and it'll be worth it in the end.

Multi-starred, and thankyou again for your support of mine!
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Diwrite wrote 821 days ago

I'm afraid I'm not a Fantasy reader so I'm not really in a position to comment on the content or style of this. However, I can see your writing is confident and clear, and in general it has a good flow to it.
I understand you're creating an old fashion tone of voice, but I stumbled over some of the word choices - vivifying is one that sticks in the mind.

There are lots of Fantasy fans here so I'm sure you'll receive far more helpful comments than this!

Wishing you lots of luck with our novel.
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

K.T.Bowman wrote 857 days ago

I've read over your first chapter, but I did stop once I reached the end - high fantasy is actually not my cup of tea, despite writing at the other end of the fantasy spectrum :) it's not a reflection of your writing, it's just not my usual choice of material.

I think you do have a very good voice for the genre, and particularly your character names worked for me - sometimes I find fantasy names can be overcomplicated or just plain silly. Yours feel realistic whilst also making it clear that this is another world.

Your opening paragraphs could perhaps be tightened - I found I was most interested in the story when the knights left behind began talking, whereas everything beforehand felt more ambiguous. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to care about Sabra much, as she seemed quite aloof (which might have been your intention?).

You've definitely got the beginning of what feels like an epic story here! Good luck with it :)

MrKarats wrote 862 days ago

Sam,

I stopped at chapter 9 only because I was faced with large chunks of paragraphs. I will probably carry on reading in my own time, but it will probably be a while.

So, up to that point my honest opinion is that you have done a better job compared to The Akurite Empire. I think it's mostly because there are only two perspectives the reader follows. Which, if you remember, was the case when I read the first one up to where Kelisa's 3 or 4 chapter story intervenes. In Lord Protector you have a good rhythm from Danebar's to Ace's story.

Although I'm not familiar with some of the characters I could definitely relate to them and at the same time fill in some blank spots- which exist due to the fact I haven't finished the Akurite Empire. Ace is your new comedian in the manuscript, probably taking the place of Meridian :) I think he's doing better :) (maybe that's just me all over again!) I think Ace as a character AND the plot thread coming through him are the most intriguing parts of your two books so far.

I'll add to this that Kelisa's character is getting more interesting -although I might have missed things by not finishing the Akurite Empire- She's a strong female witch with a sensual nature and you are showing it to me clearly.

Ava and Tate ended up together! That's ...sweet. He's still not talking much, as he should, and Ava is whinning too much, not sure if she should. Could be because you want to have her and Kelisa stand as opposites in the reader's mind. I understand that, but I ended up disliking Ava... not sure this is supposed to happen. I remember liking her too much in the opening chapters of the Akurite Empire.

Your writing.
Although you need to get rid of the gerunds and other minor stuff, I'm sure you already know how to deal with them (as it's probably a first draft, right?) , I think you (consciously?) made an effort to make it all flow smoother. I read JS Watts' comment underneath and the part on the archaic tone brought to mind parts of the Akurite Empire more rather than of what I read here. Your 1st chapter of Lord Protector has this feeling of old hovering over it, but having read a good part of the Akurite Empire I can tell the difference and am pretty sure that's what you were going for - a clear cut difference in the voice of your storytelling.
-remember when you advised me not to change voices as an author? see how you are doing it yourself within the same story? :)
If that's what you were going for, then you got it.

I haven't got much to comment on other than what I have already mentioned. The overall feeling I got is that Lord Protector is a better read than the Akurite Empire, easier to follow through. Also, your cover here is by far more appealing to me...

That's all from me.

Yannis

J.S.Watts wrote 867 days ago

I’m not sure whether the old fashioned language (arising, atop, foremost) in the opening chapter works or not: only reading on will tell. As an opening paragraph it sounds a bit clichéd, but maybe it fits with a historical style to the book?

A detailed opening, which in some ways sets the scene well, but in other ways felt like an introduction: characters and scenario all introduced but there are some long lists, a lot of information and the chapter, to me, feels longer than it should. Have you considered a tighter, shorter prologue, giving the reader hints and questions rather than facts and thus drawing them in and encouraging them to turn the page?

Chapter Two felt a lot livelier and more colourful, as far as I was concerned. The writing had a sense of fun. In some ways , this might be a good place to start the story and hook the reader in. I wasn’t sure what to make of the notes at the end: I assume they are for your benefit or are you asking the reader for input of some sort?

There is some good story-telling at work here. To my mind, this has the potential to be an epic fantasy, but to be publisher ready you need to resolve the issues you have highlighted in the notes (and remove the notes). Some elements would benefit from tightening “see above” and you might want to decide what makes this stand out from other sword and sorcery epic fantasies and highlight this, up front, in your pitch.

I hope these initial responses are of use. They are, of course, just my own take on things.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

book fan 85 wrote 868 days ago

this has a real historical feel, as if your writing down history as it happens which gives it a great blow by blow effect, but at the same time im a little reminded of The lord of the rings, only slightly. Your descriptions are well written though and you really draw the reader in :-)

Jarod Lee Ringer wrote 869 days ago

Vivid detail. I can feel the world you created as much as I can see it. Your characters seem real and have a realistic depth that is hard to find in fantasy novels. I am a former soldier and can relate to the thoughts and feelings of your characters. Well done.

Tonia Marlowe wrote 874 days ago

Sam

Now that I'm almost finished Book One I've got this one on my WL. I left comments for Akurite Empire on Smashwords and will do the same for this one eventualy. Too much on my reading list atm, but this looks just as brilliant as the last ones of yours. Are you going to add Sorcha's story here?

Cheers

Tonia

D M Sharples wrote 876 days ago

Samuel,

I've had a good read of this, up to the end of chapter 5, and feel I can offer at least a few (hopefully) helpful comments.

I expected a high quality piece of work, and that's what you have here. Your story-telling voice continues to be strong, with a good pace, intriguing plot threads and an overall very high command of English. I really enjoyed the way chapters 2 and 3 unfolded; the character of Ace is conveyed splendidly, and I love the effect the gaes has upon him. There isn't a single thing I can criticise about these chapters. Though I was surprised to see the word 'gunshot' - are there guns in this world? I always thought guns would be a tough thing to incorporate into such fantasy work, but I haven't seen any further mention of them here yet.

The fourth and fifth chapers were also very good. I didn't find I was as drawn in to the cabal meeting thingy, but the information it provided was interesting. After finishing chapter 5 I'm thinking maybe these characters that are accompanying Ace have been drawn into the story very quickly, and to a point the events that occur here are perhaps a little rushed. I think you could maybe pad it out a bit with a longer build up. But then, I'm aware that this is a book in a series, and I don't know if these characters have appeared before. I'm assuming not, given the bottled-up pub (that's a great idea, by the way, and I loved how you tackled the characters' reaction to the knowledge).

So, chapter 1. This (as you may have suspected) is where I'd like to focus in terms of criticism. I really didn't feel drawn in by it. As I said, I know it's part of a series, and this is a 'filler' between stories, showing some main characters' actions. But is it really necessary as a first chapter? Do you intend it as a prologue (I think it might work better as such)? And the first paragraph really didn't hook me, I'm afraid. It felt a little...forced, unlike the other chapters, which flowed with tremendous ease and pulled me along with them. I feel you could start where chapter 2 begins, with the witch and the pedlar arguing, and that would make a great beginning. All just my opinion though.

Hope that's been of some use. I'm going to keep it on my WL with a view to putting it on my shelf when the next 'rotation' comes along (that's supposed to be this weekend, but I might wait until the start of December to give the ones I've got on at the moment a final bump).

D M Sharples.

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