Eli On the Go

Inkan,

I've read your six chapters of "Eli on the Go". I personally find it a bit tricky to read a story through first-person perspective, so I had to go over the chapters a couple of times. Several readers have commented on the lack of quotation marks - it didn't bother me much, but they would help. I did notice you said you were still working on it. In the short abstract you wrote, you said, "When the time comes for her to make the most important decisions, she will have to choose between life as she has always known it and the adventure of her lifetime". I didn't really see any choice(s) between lives that Eli had to make, between people or places. Does this come later perhaps?

I did get quite a bit more interested when Sally's past was revealed - I want to see more of what happens to/with her. I like the relationships between Eli, Mandy, and Sally, and I liked all of the characters in and of themselves. I also found Mandy's connection with Rick interesting - a good explanation for how the girls got the job, and good potential to expand on that story. The romances were fun - and I'm intrigued to see Jean-Pierre's dark side. I'd also like to see each of the characters and pairs' paths begin to cross more. I'll definitely read more if you put more up.

Kestrellian

Elisabet,

I've read the first chapter of Eli on the go. First person perspective makes reader feel part of it - that was a good decision for a book of this type. You have an easy to read, chatty, style that is sure to engage. Lot's of nice touches too, both philosophically ("the dissapointment afterwards when I don't get what I looked forward to" I love this sort of statement that many a dreamer can identify with - I know how that feels sooo well!), and in structure: I got the job, I got the job, I got the job! Well written...

I hate to review without making any criticlal suggestions, so a few points follow. I hope they're useful!

*first chapter is long - you might consider splitting it up.
*About where are we going to live... don't need the 'about' to my ears
*most of the times... 'times' should be 'time', unless you leave out 'of the'
*no money at all left... strictly should be 'no money left at all', but it is in a chatty first person style so it's probably OK. There are a few places like this though.

I've given you high stars and will find a slot on my bookshelf for you at some point (long list of commitments just now but you will get a slot, I promise!)

Looking forward to your views on Horizons and if you like it I'd be honoured if you star/back it as you feel appropriate!

Robert

I read the first chapter of your story. I found it very engaging and interesting--you had a lot going on. I liked the interactions between your characters. It read like a real life screenplay. You did a good job with communication, and explaining. The whole thing made perfect sense. You have a great writing style. Good luck with your work. Lacy

Hi Elisabeth,

Wow! What a fun, exciting read! I loved the story from the moment I read the pitches, and just kept loving the story from chapter to chapter. You've done a great job here, Elisabeth. Really great job!

I like that you named the main character after yourself. Is this a biography somehow? I can only guess! :) The concept is interesting and I really enjoyed the chapters that I read. I think Elisabet is a strong, likable character most young adults can relate to.

She accepted the job when it was presented to her because of her dreams. That's very acceptable and it happens to real life, so that's good. The interactions of the characters from the very beginning kept me hooked. You write beautifully, direct to the point. You've polished this very well so that I can't find any typos/inconsistencies.

Congratulations! I give it 5 stars!

I wish you all the best! If you have some time, I invite you to read and rate my book. Thank you in advance!

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

Hi there,
I´ve uploaded the second part of Eli´s story and I need your "nitpicks" again :)
you could start with chapter 4 if you don't feel like doing the whole thing
thanks!
Elisabet

I read the seven chapters and felt as if I was in Elisabet's shoes, experiencing her hopes, dreams, and fears. This was an entertaining read, and had a fast enough pace, which was pleasant.

Lots of different people, places, and evolving human relationships kept me thoroughly engrossed. Ivan was the perfect boor, and I liked Elisabet's character, friendly, and caring about others (Mandy). Jean-Pierre grew on you over time. At first, he sounded like a nerd through Elisabet's descriptions, and she didn't show any particular attention to him at the beginning, and I was surprised that he was the one that Robert was hinting about. There were some funny, light moments, which had me chuckling. That was good.

Some suggestions:
The first chapter established Elisabet as being a friend to several girls/women that she grew up with. They are looking to get jobs to afford an apartment. I expected the story to evolve around that theme, so I was surprised that suddenly Elizabet's finds a job that requires her to travel with her employer and his group throughout the world. So her friends are out of the picture until the very end. Also, after Jean-Pierre proposes to her, she talks to one of her friends back home and decides she's not ready for marriage. That doesn't sound promising for Jean-Pierre, after all the courting they did, yet he's willing to wait. This made the ending seem a little weak.

Just a few nitpicks:
The dialogue was difficult to follow without the quotations. At times I didn't know who was talking, and that was distracting.

Ch. 3 -
"I know, but I really does feel like.." should be "I know, but it really does feel like.."

"But why not? I love you Elisabet! I need you by y side again!" should be "But why not? I love you Elisabet! I need you by my side again!"

Ch.7 - "It knocks me out completely.." should be "He knocks me out completely.."

Overall a nice escape story and my favorite part was when she visited with her grandparents.

Best,
Patty Apostolides
"The Greek Maiden and the English Lord"

Hi Kestrellian!!
I've put up the second book in the series (well part of it anyway), Eli Settles http://authonomy.com/books/52822/eli-settles/. There's a more serious tone to it - if you don't want to start with the first chapter just skip ahead to number 4- and don't forget to tell me what you think!
Thanks,
Elisabet

I've read your six chapters of "Eli on the Go". I personally find it a bit tricky to read a story through first-person perspective, so I had to go over the chapters a couple of times. Several readers have commented on the lack of quotation marks - it didn't bother me much, but they would help. I did notice you said you were still working on it. In the short abstract you wrote, you said, "When the time comes for her to make the most important decisions, she will have to choose between life as she has always known it and the adventure of her lifetime". I didn't really see any choice(s) between lives that Eli had to make, between people or places. Does this come later perhaps?

I did get quite a bit more interested when Sally's past was revealed - I want to see more of what happens to/with her. I like the relationships between Eli, Mandy, and Sally, and I liked all of the characters in and of themselves. I also found Mandy's connection with Rick interesting - a good explanation for how the girls got the job, and good potential to expand on that story. The romances were fun - and I'm intrigued to see Jean-Pierre's dark side. I'd also like to see each of the characters and pairs' paths begin to cross more. I'll definitely read more if you put more up.

Kestrellian

The words come to life as I read. Its like I was listening to the girls through the key hole. They really can plan

max stars but still reading

Hi Elisabeth,

Wow! What a fun, exciting read! I loved the story from the moment I read the pitches, and just kept loving the story from chapter to chapter. You've done a great job here, Elisabeth. Really great job!

I like that you named the main character after yourself. Is this a biography somehow? I can only guess! :) The concept is interesting and I really enjoyed the chapters that I read. I think Elisabet is a strong, likable character most young adults can relate to.

She accepted the job when it was presented to her because of her dreams. That's very acceptable and it happens to real life, so that's good. The interactions of the characters from the very beginning kept me hooked. You write beautifully, direct to the point. You've polished this very well so that I can't find any typos/inconsistencies.

Congratulations! I give it 5 stars!

I wish you all the best! If you have some time, I invite you to read and rate my book. Thank you in advance!

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

I read the first chapter of your story. I found it very engaging and interesting--you had a lot going on. I liked the interactions between your characters. It read like a real life screenplay. You did a good job with communication, and explaining. The whole thing made perfect sense. You have a great writing style. Good luck with your work. Lacy

Elisabet,

I've read the first chapter of Eli on the go. First person perspective makes reader feel part of it - that was a good decision for a book of this type. You have an easy to read, chatty, style that is sure to engage. Lot's of nice touches too, both philosophically ("the dissapointment afterwards when I don't get what I looked forward to" I love this sort of statement that many a dreamer can identify with - I know how that feels sooo well!), and in structure: I got the job, I got the job, I got the job! Well written...

I hate to review without making any criticlal suggestions, so a few points follow. I hope they're useful!

*first chapter is long - you might consider splitting it up.
*About where are we going to live... don't need the 'about' to my ears
*most of the times... 'times' should be 'time', unless you leave out 'of the'
*no money at all left... strictly should be 'no money left at all', but it is in a chatty first person style so it's probably OK. There are a few places like this though.

I've given you high stars and will find a slot on my bookshelf for you at some point (long list of commitments just now but you will get a slot, I promise!)

Looking forward to your views on Horizons and if you like it I'd be honoured if you star/back it as you feel appropriate!

Robert

Patty.
Thank you! You're right, you know.
I'm planning on rewriting the ending, but the outcome of the story is still the same -the thing is, I'm planning on a sequel to it -just for the fun of it- and things have to go the way they do. Don't worry, Charlie Laila and Gabbie do get "back in the picture" in the second book; the first chapter is like the introduction to Eli's life, to show just how much the trip changes her situation.
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes -that makes it easier for me to find and correct them. What's more, thank you for actually taking the time to read the full story!! :)
Inkan

I read the seven chapters and felt as if I was in Elisabet's shoes, experiencing her hopes, dreams, and fears. This was an entertaining read, and had a fast enough pace, which was pleasant.

Lots of different people, places, and evolving human relationships kept me thoroughly engrossed. Ivan was the perfect boor, and I liked Elisabet's character, friendly, and caring about others (Mandy). Jean-Pierre grew on you over time. At first, he sounded like a nerd through Elisabet's descriptions, and she didn't show any particular attention to him at the beginning, and I was surprised that he was the one that Robert was hinting about. There were some funny, light moments, which had me chuckling. That was good.

Some suggestions:
The first chapter established Elisabet as being a friend to several girls/women that she grew up with. They are looking to get jobs to afford an apartment. I expected the story to evolve around that theme, so I was surprised that suddenly Elizabet's finds a job that requires her to travel with her employer and his group throughout the world. So her friends are out of the picture until the very end. Also, after Jean-Pierre proposes to her, she talks to one of her friends back home and decides she's not ready for marriage. That doesn't sound promising for Jean-Pierre, after all the courting they did, yet he's willing to wait. This made the ending seem a little weak.

Just a few nitpicks:
The dialogue was difficult to follow without the quotations. At times I didn't know who was talking, and that was distracting.

Ch. 3 -
"I know, but I really does feel like.." should be "I know, but it really does feel like.."

"But why not? I love you Elisabet! I need you by y side again!" should be "But why not? I love you Elisabet! I need you by my side again!"

Ch.7 - "It knocks me out completely.." should be "He knocks me out completely.."

Overall a nice escape story and my favorite part was when she visited with her grandparents.

Best,
Patty Apostolides
"The Greek Maiden and the English Lord"

I read the seven chapters and felt as if I was in Elisabet's shoes, experiencing her hopes, dreams, and fears. This was an entertaining read, and had a fast enough pace, which was pleasant.

Lots of different people, places, and evolving human relationships kept me thoroughly engrossed. Ivan was the perfect boor, and I liked Elisabet's character, friendly, and caring about others (Mandy). Jean-Pierre grew on you over time. At first, he sounded like a nerd through Elisabet's descriptions, and she didn't show any particular attention to him at the beginning, and I was surprised that he was the one that Robert was hinting about. There were some funny, light moments, which had me chuckling. That was good.

Some suggestions:
The first chapter established Elisabet as being a friend to several girls/women that she grew up with. They are looking to get jobs to afford an apartment. I expected the story to evolve around that theme, so I was surprised that suddenly Elizabet's finds a job that requires her to travel with her employer and his group throughout the world. So her friends are out of the picture until the very end. Also, after Jean-Pierre proposes to her, she talks to one of her friends back home and decides she's not ready for marriage. That doesn't sound promising for Jean-Pierre, after all the courting they did, yet he's willing to wait. This made the ending seem a little weak.

Just a few nitpicks:
The dialogue was difficult to follow without the quotations. At times I didn't know who was talking, and that was distracting.

Ch. 3 -
"I know, but I really does feel like.." should be "I know, but it really does feel like.."

"But why not? I love you Elisabet! I need you by y side again!" should be "But why not? I love you Elisabet! I need you by my side again!"

Ch.7 - "It knocks me out completely.." should be "He knocks me out completely.."

Overall a nice escape story and my favorite part was when she visited with her grandparents.

Best,
Patty Apostolides
"The Greek Maiden and the English Lord"

Reviewing as requested.

Ii really like the idea of telling it in first person. I like how you talk to your reader as if they are really there. You don't seem to have a problem keeping up with it.

I don't think the choice of font is good, it's used in comics and makes it seem young. And you shouldn't capitalize words such as "AND." I find one problem is not putting who is talking behind the dialogue. Since there are usually a few people in the room when there is dialogue, you should put who is speaking. It is hard to follow, interrupting the flow. Also, the tell should be on the same line as the dialogue.

You are missing some quotation marks and it is distracting because Elisabet thinks to herself sometime so the reader isn't sure when she is talking out loud.

I find there is a plausiblity factor. I can't understand how four women cannot afford one apartment. Is it because they want an apartment in a certain rich section, because they want four bedrooms? I don't understand. Also, I find it highly unlikely that anyone would get paid $10,000 a month ($120,000 a year) to write things in a notebook. And you said to translate, but translate what? Further you say that Patty can't leave her 3 year old twins alone for long. You cannot EVER leave three year olds alone. And, why would Patty not take a job paying that much, she could hire a nanny? Not sure about 13:00. We don't have one in the US (don't know where you are). Military time would be 1300 and is 1:00pm.



You must put punctuation marks inside of quotation marks, which you do sometimes but not all the time. And, thoughts should be italized.

"As soon as we would be eighteen." s/b "As soon as we turned eighteen."
"If all of us earn the double . . ." take out "the"
"Money problem is still on . . ." s/b "Money problem is still an issue."
"We need a better job, girls" You would either need better "jobs" plural or "each girl" would need a "better job" singular.
"change of scene . . ." s/b change of scenery

I think reading it out loud would help. Also, you need more detail. What the job is about. How she was qualified. Things like that to make it more plausible.

Abby

Inkan, there's a writing competition in Ecuador right now. All residents are invited to apply, and the deadline is August 15th. You could re-write your book in Spanish and apply, if you wish. For more info, go to the website of the Biblioteca de Guayaquil, and in the search box on the right enter "novela".

Eli On the Go.
By Elisabet Jansson.


I think the story gets off the ground very good with the first chapter.
There’s Lots of girlie talk here and the problem of the girls finding another place with little money to hand, seems a major problem.
Finding herself with the prospect of a well paid job that offers at the same time the chance to travel, Elisabet can’t believe her luck. This would help a great deal!
Nice description and dialogue as you take us to the scene of the plane flight and we learn of the other employee’s.
There’s something not quite right about the whole affair, it seems too good to be true in Eli’s eyes—well that’s how I see it myself.
I think chapter one is a bit lengthy, there are lots of characters to remember…just my own thoughts.
What errors I noticed in the punctuation didn’t bother me a lot, I know they will be put right with an edit and it didn’t put me off the book at all.
I’ve only read a couple of chapters but can already see that the book will go down well with the ladies.
I will be back to read more!
Many stars and best wishes, Eli.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

I already commented on this MS some time ago' its my type of genre and still on my WL (and owed a spot on my shelf) a further 6 stars to point you in the right direction! ;-)

Inkan,

I've read your six chapters of "Eli on the Go". I personally find it a bit tricky to read a story through first-person perspective, so I had to go over the chapters a couple of times. Several readers have commented on the lack of quotation marks - it didn't bother me much, but they would help. I did notice you said you were still working on it. In the short abstract you wrote, you said, "When the time comes for her to make the most important decisions, she will have to choose between life as she has always known it and the adventure of her lifetime". I didn't really see any choice(s) between lives that Eli had to make, between people or places. Does this come later perhaps?

I did get quite a bit more interested when Sally's past was revealed - I want to see more of what happens to/with her. I like the relationships between Eli, Mandy, and Sally, and I liked all of the characters in and of themselves. I also found Mandy's connection with Rick interesting - a good explanation for how the girls got the job, and good potential to expand on that story. The romances were fun - and I'm intrigued to see Jean-Pierre's dark side. I'd also like to see each of the characters and pairs' paths begin to cross more. I'll definitely read more if you put more up.

Kestrellian

Hi Eli, to start with, this is not the type of story I read, so I won't comment on the tale or it's content, as I'm not accustomed to this genre.
You say you wrote it in a month. This is a very good way to get down the foundation of the book. Nanowrimo style. You've then got you're story, from beginning to end. Then you need to build the structure, then once you're satisfied with that, you can decorate it, filling out the characters and the descriptions.
You're definitely on the right track, but there is still a lot of work to do.
It's been pointed out already, the confusion with the lack of quotion marks, this can be dealt with simply and isn't an issue at this time.
Your writing style is good and friendly, it really has a young and exciting feel to it. I didn't notice any spelling errors or awkward sentances, it flows well.
Remember that the way you've approached writing this book, is more like building a book.
It may be messy to start with, but once finished and polished, it will shine.
All the best of luck with it and well done for jumping in the deep end and just going for it.
There is a huge market for this type of book. I'll keep it on my watch list and hope to see the final, polished product soon. Pollyanna, 'Marsupeople'.

A good start- I like the way you portray the relationship between the girls. Your writing style is great and the dialogue is realistic. I agree with the comment about dialogue punctuation, if just because it would make your writing easier to read (as you're writing in the first person, it's sometimes difficult to tell whether Elisabet is talking to the reader or to someone else). But this is something that can easily be fixed.

Even though I don't normally read this kind of story, I enjoyed the first chapter of this. Great stuff, highly starred.

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

You asked me to take a look at Eli on the Go. These comments pertain to chapter one.

I like the relationship between the girls, they seem to have been through a lot together.

As far as the style goes, you could benefit a lot from using proper punctuation around dialogue. The dialogue will be easier to read and will flow better. As it is, it is hard to tell who is speaking and what is actually being said.

So much happens within this first chapter, that it might benefit from breaking it up into more chapters. Maybe keep the first chapter to exploring the friendship of the girls, revealing their different characters through dialogue and how they interact with each other, and setting up the initial conflict of them wanting to share an apartment but having no money. The next few chapters could deal with the job interview and leaving on the trip.

There is a lot of Elisabet addressing the reader directly as 'you', which always pulls me right out of a story. I prefer to feel like I'm experiencing the action/emotions/etc. along with the characters, rather than being told a story. This comes down to 'showing' rather than 'telling' the reader what is happening.

I hope this is helpful and that you get a chance to look at mine as well.
Kate
Fade

Hi, You asked me to take a look at this work. It is noy my usual kind of book, so I think an attempt to critique the storyline would be unfair of me. However in terms of writing, here are a couple of points:

I liked the internal dialogue here. It was easy going with an engaging style. Very chatty and enjoyable.

Against this is your curious style. You seem to have an aversion to quotation marks. This is probably meant to be stylistic, but then you also use the same dash character to introduce items in a list that are not parts of speech.

People do not notice punctuation unless it is not where it should be. Thus a decision to dispense with punctuation ruules draws attention to the writing. This can work sometimes. In the book "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close", the author puts all the speakers on one line in defiance of the usual convention of a new paragraph for each speaker. This makes the dialogue very jumbled and somewhat tricky to disentangle, but in that book it works because we are being put into the mind of a boy who does not think or act like normal kids. The confusion is deliberate.

In this work, I think what you are doing draws people away from the richness of your dialogue, and am not sure it gains anything for you - but that is ultimately for you to decide.

Anyway those are my few comments. All the best with this work and keep writing!

Hi thanks for asking me to read this, you wanted to know if you are on the right track, well yes you are! This is a great start and you have managed to introduce your characters nicely and get the reader involved to want to know where they are going and follow their journey. There is a repetitiveness of words and some sentences that could be tighten up with a read through, my tip read it out loud to someone (my poor husband is my guinea pig) I was told that a book like this should have a least 3 scenes in each chapter, so you could keep that in mind as you edit. (apparently that's what publishers look for) Keep up the good work, I hope you take time to look over mine please! All the best to you, Karen, Faking it in France.

You have a strong concept with the compelling story amongst the three girls. I did find that a build up of the layers of complexity could be improved. Kick up up the failures and frailties to flesh out the subtle details. Your narrative did flow and transition well and the only minor annoying thing was the lack of dialogue quotation marks. It's a powerful tool that you should wield as a sword in your artistic arsenal.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

I will. Thanks for the support, I can really use it! and no, since I wrote the whole thing in just a month, I didn't use any """. It's still full of typing mistakes too but I'm working on it!!

I realy like the style of story and can see where it's going. The friendship with the three girls is realistic and warming, that and the first chapter is what kept me reading on. My only nit pick is too maybe work on tightening the structure up, read books of the same genre and compare the writing style to your own. Also I'm not sure if it's just me and I can't see them, but there doesn't seem to be any use of speech commas, like, "hello, how are you?" "I'm good thanks, and you." Other than this, I really like the style of the book and have rated you highly to get you off on the right foot. A backing will soon follow. Best of luck x