Enchanted Trap

Hello again, Elizabeth,
I have just read chapters 2 to 4 and flicked through 5 and 6.
Firstly, let me say that I like your story very much.
The plot is developing nicely and I would love to see more chapters uploaded to see where it goes from there.

I have some more comments below, which are just my opinions as a reader (I'm not a literary critic or anything):

Going from the SF feel of the first chapter to the fantasy world of the second was a bit of a shock. It took me a while to get over the change and really start enjoying the fantasy romance part, but your writing was good enough that by chapter 3 I was hooked into the fantasy world as well.
The transition between chapters 1 and 2 might be easier on the reader if you could insert a bit of description of this outer world into chapter 1, the most obvious way being to expand Arthur's dream into a good two or three descriptive paragraphs, to give us a taste of the place.

I think chapter 1 could still use a little work to expand on and clarify some of the concepts introduced (see my previous comment). Also, I am a little confused about why Arthur thinks knowing about the outcast woman can help him to escape to the outer world, a little more clarification would be good.

I had the feeling that you were more comfortable writing the fantasy romance parts than the SF parts. For example, there was a lot of evocative description in chapters 1 and 2, which allowed me to picture the landscapes and castles, the saurian, Uther himself, etc. You need as much, if not more, description of the undersea city, as this is so much more alien to us we have no way to 'fill in the blanks'. As a trivial example to illustrate my point, the phrase "groundrunners hissed" in ch. 4 is meaningless to us, because we have no way to picture what a groundrunner is (I'm guessing it may be a kind of car, but without explanation it could equally be something like a giant lizard!) Also I couldn't get a feel for the scale of the city. In ch. 4 the groundrunners were a long way down from the roof, but how far is that? Are we talking undersea skyscrapers here, or what?

Re. chapters 2 and 3, there were a few things that seemed, let's say, not quite believable enough to swallow whole. These marred slightly my enjoyment of what was otherwise a very good story. Some examples:

I could accept that, for some reason that you will explain later, the king had come to detest Ashira enough to marry her off just to secure some ore. But for Ashira to then be convinced that Uther would kill her seems a little odd. It may be a harsh world, but I wouldn't have thought a gold banded woman would be considered so utterly without value.

Also the part where she has to kiss him on the lips as a vow to protect his life from enemies seemed bizarre. Does this mean all the Duke's men at arms also have to kiss him on the lips? Urgh!. We don't need the kiss here to be aware that there might be a romance coming along.

You might want to make Uther a little more distant in some ways, although I say this hesitantly because your story clearly needs Ashira and him to develop a strong bond quite quickly. It is just that, he seems almost so pleasant and attentive (e.g. combing her hair for her, seeing to her wounds himself, etc.) that one wonders that he does not have a whole harem full of women competing for his attention. Again, I am not 100% sure that this is a problem, it's more a slight niggle.

I would like to see this story published, it is the kind of thing I could see myself buying and enjoying. I hope my comments are helpful to you in final polishing.
Can you let me know if you upload more?

Hello Elizabeth,
I have just found your book Enchanted Trap and read the first chapter.

Being more a fan of SF than of Arthurian legends, I loved the first chapter, which was pretty much pure SF.
Your writing is accomplished and there was much in the first chapter of interest, assuming that you explore it in more detail later in the book.
I am putting this on my bookshelf for further reading.

My only comment on the writing in the first chapter (and this is a minor comment only) is that quite a few interesting aspects of the submarine world are concisely described, so that we can picture them OK, but we can't really understand them. This is a little frustrating as there are so many things that make me think - I wonder why it is like that? I am hoping that once I have read more, these things will be explained. Where you introduce concepts that are really important to the story, such as mention of the surface wars, an extra sentence or two to help us understand would be good.

Chapter 1 is a very good start and I'm looking forward to reading more.

BHCG review of Enchanted Trap

I’ve read everything you have uploaded here.

Before I start, I’d like to draw your attention to a possible grammatical error in your short pitch, wouldn’t it be better to say:

‘When is the life of a hero sworn to protect his people deemed less important than the survival of his mentor?’

(or valuable or some other alternative instead of important)

Your long pitch tells us that this is about future Arthur and Merlin and that the undersea city is failing and running low on raw materials, but 15 chapters in and none of these issues have been brought up yet, only that the communities on the surface no longer have advanced technology, apart from the earrings the Brethren have somehow. I’m not sure if it’s encouraged for Authonomy long pitches, since I’m relatively new here, but it’s a bit too spoiler-rich for me as a back cover blurb. Maybe go for something slightly vaguer, as I think the story itself stands on its own very well without needing to be aware of the Merlin angle, but some sort of minor indication of the raw materials shortage a little earlier in the story might help.

Plot and Pacing – very strong and well developed, intriguing and entertaining on multiple levels. The stark contrast between the very alive, very human culture on the surface and the cold, inhuman hi-tech society under the sea was captured very well. It all flows well, engages the reader and draws them in. The interplay between the various subcultures on the surface and how those subcultures were being subtly subverted in places was excellent. One little nitpick in your opening, I think it would be stronger to not describe the nature of the Archive as a sentient controlling computer right at the start, I think it would be better to mention or let the reader discover that at a more natural point in the story, e.g. when Arthur first interacts with it, or in chapter 10 when Arthur himself comments on being surprised at how sentient it is in singling him out and continuing to help him with his crime.

A little thing with the pegs and rosters – if they don’t have writing, how can she know which pegs represent which people? No-one’s explained it to her


Style/POV: Works very well on the whole, appropriate, engaging, Alisha’s mind-shattering, loss of the ability to speak and attempt to recover from that is particularly well done.

One problem I will mention is that once Arthur starts accessing the records on the Outcast, Arthur’s story just feels like a typical framing device for Alisha’s story, especially at the beginning of Chapter 6. Alisha’s story is so strong and engaging that anything else feels like a detraction from it. I can see it is more than that, and I don’t really have any suggestions on how to improve it, other than the fact that there is not really a natural break between the end of chapter 5 and where you resume Alisha’s story in chapter 6. It’s not that you need to continue with the sex scene, but there doesn’t seem to be any need for Arthur to comment about her becoming an elite and ask about where things went wrong, when what he is asking about happens immediately after the last thing he was looking at, the next night.

I'm really looking forward to what happens next, especially how the interaction between Arthur and Shadow will turn out, since there are more and more hints that Arthur is her son.


Sentence level:

Chapter 1:

“Spewing ng dusty”


Chapter 2:

“deterring even the flying lizards where limited wing-space wrecked their hunting”


“ Sinners’ lost human status after the priest changed the color of their wristband to black.”

Either add an apostrophe before Sinners, or remove the one afterwards.

Chapter 3

“They breakfasted off cold lamb” Shouldn’t that be ‘on cold lamb’?


Chapter 6:

“Had the archive had overlooked his prescence?” lose the second ‘had’


“Arthur didn’t want to see a life destroyed, much less experienced it along with the victim.”

“Arthur didn’t want to see a life destroyed, much less experience it along with the victim.”


“Ashira’s world dissolved into a nerve screaming agony of blue”

‘nerve screaming’ doesn’t really make sense, how about ‘nerve-ravaging’, ‘nerve-shattering’, ‘nerve-rupturing’ or something along those lines?

Chapter 7:

“Or was it the foxy face of one enjoying another’s anguish”

‘foxy’ doesn’t really fit here imo, maybe ‘cruel’, ‘vindictive’ or something along those lines


“went to her horse to strap on harness”

“went to her horse to strap on a harness”

Chapter 8:

“Many of those fragments that he had not understood linked into cohesive thought pattern”


either ‘into a cohesive thought pattern’

or ‘into cohesive thought patterns’


“and the emergence linked to first sexual encounter”

“and its emergence was linked to their first sexual encounter”


“Nestine staste bad.”

“Nestines taste bad.”


“The girl had a sense of humour. Nice touch He smiled back, thinking” obviously missing a full stop, but the ‘nice touch’ doesn’t really fit to me, since that is a comment directed at someone, praising what they did. I think it would be better to cut it, since the narrative catches that idea nicely without it.

“ “Regard the sleeping Terran telepath.” Ector grinned ”


I’m not sure what this comment is supposed to mean. Is he saying their spending so much time with her because she’s beautiful, because she’s so unique, or something else? This wasn’t clear at all here.


Chapter 9:

“via a console secure channel”

“via a secure console channel”


“was calculated to make her think about the

Overworld.”

You have a paragraph break in the middle of a sentence here.


“he had no idea of her psi-rating that a mutated Terran shouldn’t possess.”

“he had no idea of her psi-rating, which a mutated Terran shouldn’t possess.”


Chapter 10:


“Shadow made a full recovery to be escorted into barracks by Ambrose five days later”

“Shadow made a full recovery and was escorted to the barracks by Ambrose five days later” either add the article or capitalise Barracks if it's the name people use for it, same throughout the book.


“She resumed training, competent in all skills when Ector increased her program.”

“She resumed training, becoming competent in each new skill Ector added to her program.”


“During those days alone a transformation had seeped…” needs a comma after alone


“Ector noticed Ambrose standing by the pool the last quarter of wake-time training two days later.”

“Ector noticed Ambrose standing by the pool during the last quarter of wake-time training two days later.”


Chapter 12:


“She had worried she would be too slow dying if captured.”

“She had worried she would die too slowly if captured.”


Chapter 14:

“He was being herded into a net he didn't want to enter, not without knowing the true cost.”

Not a good analogy, I don't know of anyone who wants to be forced into a net. If we're going to keep the fish-themed analogy, maybe go for something like narrow channel instead of net, or 'that he was desperate to avoid entering, especially' instead of 'he didn't want to enter, not'?

“Ector, the Seer who got away from their clutches was the best source of advice.” needs a comma after clutches.


“almost losing his footing on a joining in the pipe.”

“almost losing his footing on a join in the pipe.”

or

“almost losing his footing at a junction in the pipe.”


“He slumped to an easy chair”

“He slumped into an easy chair”


“Each individual makes a unique selection of ideas fit a certain action, for his or her reasons.”

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, try rewording this.


“I think our society needs 'individuals' desperately”

“I think our society desperately needs 'individuals'”


“A chance to see the enslaved Terrans at close quarters and maybe he'd have a shot at killing a Nestines?”

“A chance to see the enslaved Terrans at close quarters and maybe have a shot at killing a Nestine?”


“and the screen turned to a reflective surface”

“and the screen turned into a reflective surface”


“She wouldn't have bothered with travel sign if it went toward High Fort; these did not.”

I'm not certain what you mean here, something like
“She wouldn't have bothered to analyze their movements if they went toward High Fort; these did not.”?


Characters/Characterization/Dialogue:
Excellent, each character has with their own unique feel to them, all of them very much alive and reflecting their own subcultures/combinations of subcultures in different ways. So many of them with good motivations for their very different approaches to life, well reflected in their dialogue and the non-verbal interplay between them. Shadow's frustrations and struggles with her limited vocabulary felt authentic and natural. Instead of a Lady of the Lake, you have an entire People of the Lake :)

Originality: very original as far as I can tell, I haven't come across anything like this myself, but then I'm not well read in terms of what has been recently published.
Publishability: ready for publication, after these minor issues are resolved, hence my backing and this being only the second book on Authonomy I've ever given 6 stars to. Excellent work all round, and well worth supporting.

Nanobots review.
Elizabeth, I hardly know what to say except -wow! Your pitch gives us a heads up as to the overall concept, but it doesn't prepare the reader for such an amazingly detailed, incredibly well-imagined and constructed world. Well, at least that is my impression from this opening chapter.

I like the concept very much - the futuristic Avalon beneath the sea, the world above a forbidden place, and this new Arthur, caught up in a complex and scarily (I felt) heartless society. You completey inundate us with information, immerse us totatlly in this unfamiliar world. But - the concepts, from the breeding programs to the Seers, to the 'war with the Aliens" and the Terran outcasts is very well done. It's one heck of alot to take in - no denying that. Possibly, you could nurse the reader along a little more, but then again...no. I like it. I don't mind not knowing who, what or why, as long as the construction of the scenes works - and they do.

We can feel Arthur's frustration, we can empathize with him as a 'human' (?) being, and the scene with Circe, while disturbing in the underlying reasons for it, shows us that here we have an MC who we can like, and will root for in whatever you are going to throw his way.

I admit, I was too caught up in trying to follow (happily, tho) the story to spot any nit-picks. This is great stuff!. Perhaps this is not the place to say it, but with this I feel I now see what you really can do as a writer. I enjoyed Darkspire Reaches, but this is definitely the one :)

I have read a bit further on and still a good story.
Next comes cyborg implants and flying lizards!!! Good stuff.
The only things I would improve:
- In Ch1 the font changes twice, once at Dressed in a clean brown robe... & again at "Security is not about to arrive...
- You use 'Deeps' a couple of times, I'm not sure if this was intentional: is it a profanity?
- marriage.". has one too many fullstops.
- Lastly: Arthur. We lose him after Ch1. He reappears in Ch4 for a very short time, then again in Ch6. Ashira is a great character and her story is very good, but I first became hooked into the story by Arthur and his world. Is there any way you could increase his presence in the story? For example, fleshing out the sensory playback at the end of Ch1. It is such a big deal at the end of the first chapter, then nothing. If you want to keep the details hidden, that's ok, but please tell us about the experience, the aftermath etc...
Still a great story and backed with pride.
ME Harrow.

I'm sorry, I've had to stop after 15 paragraphs.
I don't think any other novel I've EVER come across has crammed so much of the best in Sci-Fi/Fantasy into an opening stanza.
Hi-tech gadgets in a near-future Earth, heightened abilities in telepathy and telekinesis, hints of role-palying and a storyline that could come from the best Star Trek episode and even a skeletal hag to struggle against - what more could a fan want?
Great start, deserves 3 exclamation marks!!!
ME Harrow
(As Portents Rise an Antarctic thriller)

Club Nanobots Review

I loved that the story jumped in with both feet and I was forced to try and catch up. Information is available as you read, but it's not explained or spelled out, I really enjoyed that.

It's not exactly my normal sub-genre, but I found Arthur so interesting I was pretty invested. My only criticism is actually what I really liked. I loved the full immersion, but you could baby us a little in the middle maybe and let us drink it all in. In fairness, its the first chapter and I don't know how it all ties together yet.

Writing style is very unique and fun. Easy to read. Good luck and I enjoyed it.

Jeff- Jeenyus336
Mars Prevails

Club Nanobots Review

You have excellent imagery in a colorful setting in this. It's easy to tell that your a great writer with a natural sense towards flow and pacing. That said, I felt there was a bit too much going on in this first chapter.

Since this is speculative fiction and scifi, you're dealing with reader assumptions right away (that we don't know what this world looks like, that we don't truly know the power of the Archive, etc.). I think if you ease the reader into this world a bit more smoothly, then there won't be that learning curve. I'd leave any background information that isn't pertinent to this chapter for later.

This is a very promising start - and you've clearly thought out where you want to take it. Well done!

Ryan
Majestic Shadows: The Pillar of Smoke

Nanbobots review...
Hello Elizabeth, I've read up to chapter six. The suggestion is to read the first chapter, but while I appreciated the writing of chapter one, it left me a bit confused, so I read on and I'm glad I did.
Chapter one: Modern sci-fi with good ideas. It's not obvious to me why the Arthurian legend is required though. I read lots of 'Arthur' while young, even Mallory's, and know quite a bit about the genesis of the story and the arguments about its origin. None of this appears relevant to your book and I wonder if it would be best left out.
Now, the important stuff. Chapter one begins later than chapter two. My book is like that too and this time shift has caused all sorts of problems for my readers (and therefore for me), and I think it contributes to some difficulties here. Also like me, you shift backwards and forwards. I have tried to lessen the confusion for my readers by making the links between chapters more obvious. Whether I have succeeded or not I don't know, but I did find the two time strands of your book still quite distinct by chapter six. On the plus side, I thought that the 'High Fantasy' of chapter two (and later chapters of its world) was exceptional. Your writing here evokes a world of raw earth and grey skies, hard lives filled with earnest hopes, and characters who deserve a good butt kicking. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about Ashira's world, and following her story. I need to be persuaded that the Arthur tale is as good, and that it all somehow knits together.
Scott.

Nanobot Review:
I have read this before of course, so this time round I was just reading for fun without any serious attempt at doing a critique. I remember from last time round that the story really got into its stride for me a couple of chapters in, on the other timeline. But this time around I really enjoyed the first chapter. Maybe you have tidied it up since then, but I suspect it is more to do with knowing a little more about what is going on, so I could settle into the story without having to absorb too much new background or come up with critique comments. It has a good structure to it as well, with the human interest factor of the breeding program and his unknown parents combined with the intrigue of the Archive.
Cheers
Maurice

A BHCG Review
Hi,
Wow this is out of this world, literally! I really had a fun read with this one. Not only does this merit really high stars but it is rare that I wish the chapter does not end. Very vivid and descriptive visuals, the story sucks you in as soon as it starts. the characters are superb and though we know the names of these characters, the author has managed to recreate them as entirely original. I surely look forward to read more of this... hope you can drop by on my own attempt at writing with THIRD...

:)
snakey/archie
THIRD

Nanobots Review:
Wow, this is incredible. I should have known that I would enjoy this read since I enjoyed Darkspire Reaches. I ended up reading two chapters instead of the one for this nano club critique. I have to admit that I felt a hint of disappointment when I looked back to check out if this was a finished story and saw it was yet incomplete.
I felt as if you had really 'done your homework' as I read - getting these other worlds (Ashira's and Arthur's) set up to appear so real. And it has everything to draw the reader in - a hero with dark dreams and concealed abilities, exciting unknowns in an unexplored 'surface', sensory playback addictions? - clever - dashing dukes and flying lizards... What's not to like.
The writing is brilliant and both of your main characters already likable, but it does take some careful concentration to catch what is going on in some paragraphs. I felt as if my brain wasn't quite up to speed in a few places. Perhaps only skilled readers will reap the benefits of the entire tale.
I'm looking forward to reading more and I've given you many stars.

SF42

Hi Elizabeth,

I enjoyed reading the first chapter of ‘Enchanted Trap’ as a Nanobots review, so I decided to review some more of it as my SF42 review. In fact, I’ve redone Ch 1, as well, as I found a few more things to mention. These are only suggestions, and I’m no expert, so use what works for you and toss the rest.

Ch 1

1) ‘Free at last’
Maybe this would be better as a new paragraph, as everything else is describing the scene and it’s a bit unexpected to suddenly have Arthur pop in as the final sentence.

2) ‘Excellent in martial arts, weapons training, and you hold’
Maybe this should be ‘Excellent in martial arts and weapons training, and you hold’ as the ‘excellent’ actually only applies to martial arts and weapons training.

3) ‘The doors slid shut’
Only Arthur’s hand seems to have made it inside at the time the doors slide shut, so I have a mental image of him not making it into the room – and assume that’s why he thinks ‘damn’ until he starts talking.

4) ‘I have read everything the Seers will allow Acolytes to know of the primitive outside’
Yet he tells Cerces that he’s not watched any vids about the Outside. If he’s read everything he can find on the subject, it would be natural for him to have watched as many vids as he could get hold of, too.

This really is a great chapter, and an excellent ending.

Ch 2

1) ‘even the flying lizards where limited wing-space wrecked their hunting’
Do you mean that the flying lizards were only deterred in the parts of Menhill where wing-space was limited or do you mean ‘deterring the flying lizards as limited wing-space wrecked their hunting.’?

2) ‘Sinners’ lost human status’
remove apostrophe (or put one either side if it’s there for emphasis)

3) ‘was in the offing; a runnel of saliva’
replace the semi-colon with a comma

4) ‘Her father, seated’
As Kayla was the subject of the last sentence, she is still the subject here. So this sounds as though it is Kayla’s father, rather than Ashira’s. This needs to be ‘Ashira’s father, seated’

5) ‘her unprotected with an Outcast’
I thought this meant she’d left Syril in the care of a an Outcast, and had to reread it a few times to get the sense of it. Maybe say, ‘her unprotected when there was an Outcast’

6) ‘four heifers, we will take’
full stop after ‘heifers’

Another excellent chapter.

Ch 3

1) ‘The first she had seen’
If she’d never seen one before, why is it that she can’t abide them?

2) ‘sharp smelling’
hyphen

3) ‘squashing it and cupped’
comma after ‘it’

4) ‘deep trench in the hill for animals with another’
This left me wondering what animals you were referring to? Maybe say, ‘deep trench in the hill for the horses, with another’

5) ‘He circled looking’
comma after ‘circled’

6) ‘fade back into an incredible distance’
this is a little difficult to follow. Maybe say, ‘fade to an incredible distance’

Another excellent chapter.

Ch 4

1) ‘input of data, cause and effect’
I’d be inclined to change the comma to a semi-colon, as it’s not a list, but is essentially saying that this is cause and effect.

2) ‘Now she recognized the duke’
This might be a little easier not to emphasise incorrectly if it was ‘Now that she recognized the duke’

3) ‘He showed no interest since he found out’
should be ‘He showed no interest since he’d found out’

4) ‘He said she had free range’
Should be ‘He’d said she had free range’

5) ‘various sized’
hyphen

6) ‘last time she hid’
should be ‘last time she’d hidden’ as this is the past of the past

7) So far, I’m loving Ashira and Uther’s story much more than Arthur’s. Of course, I have no idea where you’re going with Arthur’s story, but so far, it seems to me that the Ashira/Uther story would hold up fine as a book in its own right. Anyway, I shall keep reading, as I don’t feel that I’ve really got many helpful comments for you yet. (Well, that’s a good excuse anyway. Really, I just want to keep reading. This is a very engaging story and you write it beautifully.

Ch 5

1) ‘His brows drew together’
How would she know? As far as I can tell, she still has her head buried in his chest.

2) ‘Harvester priests always evoked disgust from’
should be ‘Harvester priests had always evoked disgust from’ as it’s the past of the past.

3) ‘thought her innards spewed forth’
should be ‘thought her innards had spewed forth’

4) ‘not an obvious mutation’
‘mutation’ should be ‘mutant’. The thing that is different is the mutation; the creature the difference occurs on is a mutant.

5) ‘If it had two tails’
should be ‘If it had had two tails’

6) ‘ “Your turn.” Uther reached’
This should be a new paragraph

Another excellent chapter.

Ch 6

How did I know you were going to go back to Arthur?

1) ‘Had the Archive had overlooked’
should be ‘Had the Archive overlooked’

2) ‘much less experienced it’
‘experienced’ should be ‘experience’ as he hasn’t done it yet

3) ‘he would evade her previous question’
I’m a little lost here. What previous question? I don’t recall her asking about Black Bands before, but if she did it must be some time – and a chapter or two – ago, so it should be ‘her earlier question’, perhaps as this is more distant in time than ‘previous’ is. But actually, I think ‘he would evade her question’ would work just fine.

4) ‘Uther just settled at his desk’
should be ‘Uther had just settled at his desk’

5) ‘Alvic poked his head’
comma after ‘Alvic’

6) ‘found a fresh abandoned camp’
do you mean ‘a fresh, abandoned camp’ or ‘a freshly abandoned camp’?

Wow. I can’t stop here!

Ch 7

1) ‘sword cut’
hyphenate

2) ‘who knelt over had’
should be ‘who knelt over her had’

3) ‘Knew where we based’
should be ‘Knew where we were based’

Very confusing.

Ch 8

1) ‘This girl surrendered’
should be ‘This girl had surrendered’

2) ‘she had strength enough’
should be ‘she’d had strength enough’

3) ‘time related’
hyphenate

4) ‘Nestine staste bad’
‘staste’ should be ‘taste’

5) ‘Too difficult, Ambrose meant’
full stop after ‘difficult’

6) ‘Along way’
should be ‘A long way’

Another excellent chapter. This story is beginning to develop very nicely.

Ch 9

Oops. I got so engrossed in the story I almost forgot to make comments.

1) ‘Practical, in the long term, I’m not going to give up’
Do you mean ‘Practical in the long term.’ or ‘In the long term I’m not going to give up.’ There needs to be a full stop either after ‘term’ or after ‘Practical’, dependinhg on which one you’re meaning, but you can’t have the combination.

2) ‘keeping his throat clear of moisture. He’d just noticed a change in her’
This sounds as though he kept his throat clear of moisture because he’d noticed a change in her. Maybe add something here, like, ‘His eyes slid to her stomach. He’d just noticed…’ or ‘He studied her even as she studied him. He’d just noticed…’ or something.

3) ‘his shoulders looking at Ector’
comma after ‘shoulders’

4) ‘none of the Terrons’
‘Terrons’ should be ‘Terrans’

Ch 10

1) ‘Ector sensed she would not weep, or rail against another loss, to be met with courage and acceptance of the inevitable.’
I don’t quite follow this. Do you mean, ‘… against another loss. Instead he was met with the courage and acceptance…’?

2) ‘a dark corner staring’
comma after ‘corner’

3) ‘nearest surface mass spread across’
I had to read this twice to get it to make sense, but now that it makes sense, I can’t remember how I read it in the first instance. To make it read correctly every time, though, I suspect all you need to do is say, ‘nearest surface mass was spread across’

4) ‘her arm shouting’
comma both sides of ‘shouting’

5) ‘back up’
hyphen

6) ‘moment then continued’
comma after ‘continued’

7) ‘and she belonged to them …utterly’
maybe say, ‘and she now belonged to them …utterly’ as it looked as though they might salvage her from that fate for a while.

Ch 11

1) ‘not from kindness; Shadow wouldn’t accept that, but practicality’
should be ‘not from kindness – Shadow wouldn’t accept that – but practicality’

2) ‘Yes,Merrick’
gap after comma

3) ‘Tarvi joined him, sitting’
Unless Tarvi was the one speaking in the previous sentence (and I’m assuming it was Ector), this sentence should be a new paragraph.

4) ‘Tarvi called over’
As above.

5) ‘reddish-gray glow coming from’
should be, ‘reddish-gray glow started coming from’

6) ‘Not, difficult’
did you mean for the comma to be there? Her next words make me think it shouldn’t be there.

Ch 12

1) ‘dream seemed plausible’
should be ‘dream had seemed plausible’

2) ‘in the distance was an outcrop’
comma after ‘distance’

3) ‘but he, Erwin insisted’
comma after ‘Erwin’

4) ‘he freed one foot’
capital ‘h’ for ‘he’

5) ‘Wood stairs’
should be ‘Wooden stairs’

6) ‘half the men having had’
remove ‘had’

Ch 13

1) ‘Four riders pushed through the melee’
This sounds a bit odd given that she and Thor were two of them. Maybe say something like, ‘Two other riders accompanied them through the melee. The other pair turned to the left of the trail, while Shadow followed Thor to the right.’

2) ‘needed a female guard’
so, does that mean the king also knew she was female? And would he really trust his females with a brethren?

3) ‘I’d like to know who my enemies were’
‘were’ should be ‘are’

Ch 14

1) ‘His credits bought him a railpod ride’
Did no one wonder about the mess he was in, stinking and with refuse on his face?

2) ‘like I’m different person’
should be ‘like I’m a different person’

3) ‘killing a Nestines’
‘Nestines’ should be ‘Nestine’

4) ‘No Arthur’
comma after ‘No’

5) ‘the hill securing their mounts’
comma after ‘hill’ as I assume Thor is securing their mounts, not the hill.

6) ‘The split up’
should be, ‘They split up’

Ch 15

1) ‘thought she already evaded them’
should this be ‘thought she’d already evaded them’?

2) ‘the corridor, it was empty’
full stop after ‘corridor’

3) ‘A flow of pure energy flowed’
repetition of ‘flowed’ here. Perhaps a ‘flood’ of pure energy? (especially as the next sentence also has ‘flowed’

4) ‘Harvester’s creatures’
should this be ‘Harvesters’ creatures’? (ie apostrophe after ‘s’?)

Elizabeth, this is great. I’ve enjoyed every chapter that you’ve put on Authonomy. By now, of course, Arthur’s link to Shadow is obvious, but I’m not even going to try to guess where you’re going with it. I find it a little harder to get to grips with Sanctuary, the Archive and the Undersea world than the world up top, but that might just be me – and the fact that I read part of this several days before I read the rest. For instance, I can’t quite see how the whole society fits together and the exact role of Sanctuary and the acolytes. Nor how they have so much power that they can force citizens to become one of them – as they intended to do with both Arthur and Ector. Nor can I see how the Archive operates. It seems to be the source of knowledge, but do they use it, worship it, or control it? Or does it control them? Some of this is beginning to become clearer, so I can only assume it all becomes clear by the end of the book. You write with such skill that I would like to think so, anyway.

Well done with this. Highly starred.

Sue

CLUB NANOBOTS REVIEW Chapter One
Overall a really good read, The ONly thing i"d say was that there was alot of information in that small chapter. I had to read read it a few times to follow the thread properly. Maybe read it aloud to yourself to make sure it flows, i had to do this many many times. Other than that i love the premise and look forward to read more. Nice work.
Abbie Lee Wallace
Medically Mystifying

Club NanoBots Review

Hi,
I have read Chapter One where Evegena - The strongest mind of all - has told Author he must provide for the brood woman. He does not agree. I like the part where he tries to escape. To me, this part of the story shows Author is not giving up. He wants to be free in the world above. The world you have created shows your talent and what an imaginative mind you have. This sci-fi challenges your mind and leaves us with a cliff-hanger at the end of the first chapter leaving us wanting more!
Good Job!
Sara Stinson :)

Hi,
This is a Club NanoBot Review:

Really interesting story. It reminds me a bit of the movie "Logan's Run" in the sense that Authur is a loner, a rebel, and will not exist just to be breeding stock for someone's program. He wants to know his past, his parents, and the world he lives in - not just the underwater city. All the typical YA elements of a youth who wants to do something else, other than what his superiors want, are in the story.
I wanted to see more details of this city in the opening chapters, by the way, and how Author escaped from his psyonic school to roam the streets before getting caught.
Well done.
Kirk
"Aethunium"

Club Nanobots Review

I really like this!

Your imagery is excellent. Arthur is well constructed and I found it easy to connect with him. The writing is smooth and strong. The world you have created is very well done and interesting. Some very cool concepts here.

Favourites - the concept of the undersea city, the philosophy of the world that emerges, the dream sequences and the phrase about buildings standing like rotting teeth!

Nits - only two

1. There's a small info dump in the second paragraph about the sentient computer - you don't need it ... work that in a bit

2. The computer with keyboard and screen appears unchanged after 1800 years...

These people are telepaths - can't they thought control the machines, or cause what they wish viewed to appear to their audience?

Other than that - brilliantly imagined and very well written :)

Club Nanobots Review--
You have improved this qutie a bit since I reviewed it for the sci-fi group, and I had already liked this chapter a lot back then. It's really good, except for the opening four paragraphs--those take what should be an interesting and at least semi-exciting scene and compress them until it reads like a mere outline. I think the idea of the scene is great, but I'd flesh it out. Don't worry about rushing or making the chapter too long; make it as long as it needs to be to get it right.

'out-flanked' -- I don't think you need the hyphen in this word

I don't know if it exists in your copy of the manuscript, but on here there is an odd thing going on with the font, and there is a place where it goes, '...spewing ng dusty...'.

I know that the interface with the computer is necessary for the scene, but I still find it hard to fathom that Arthur could believe he might be able to access it against the rules in such a future when even today we have security that would prevent that (I work in network security at the embassy).

Altogether there is very little to criticize in this first chapter, so great job.

Club nano review.
A wonderful read! My only suggestion might be to look at the scene where he gets caught in town, is it nessisary to the plot? The discussion later with the matriarch has little to do with it.

Club Nanobot Critique.

From pitch to first chapter lost me. I found that there was a lot of things in the first chapter and must admist, I had to go back and read it a few times. Your writing is good and the premise seems interesting.

Club Nanobot Critique. Hi - first the bad then the good. You have a tendency to overwrite in patches which obscures the development of a strong story. For the hell of it I just read the opening of David Gemmell's Druss the Legend. Very simple writing and yet everything comes across for the reader. So in my opinion lessen the flowery stuff and get straight into it. On the plus side the Seer control is very well described (I assume Merlin is behind this trying to get Arthur to impregnate a brood mother so he can use the body). Finally a little confused about Arthur's access at the end, is this being engineered by the Outcast. I suppose I will have to wait and find out. Good start, thanks for the read, Roy.

Club Nanobots

Hi Elizabeth,

I’ve just read chapter one of ‘Enchanted Trap’. This is a great first chapter with a fantastic ending. There is no doubt that I would read on. There’s an awful lot of detail in this world and it takes a bit to get to grips with it, but that alone is one of the reasons I’d choose to read on, as I’m sure it all settles into a unique whole as the reader moves through the story. This looks an intriguing and compelling read.

There was just one typo that I noticed;

‘spewing ng dusty, dry puffs’
‘ng’ needs to be removed.

Otherwise, this is a very polished and enjoyable read.

Well done.

Sue

Club Nanobots critique

A very unique style of writing and one that challenges the reader to pay attention. The lack of description, in my view, is a positive. The SciFi genre is all about imagination and this first chapter allows the reader scope to build their own unique universe. The first paragraph was a little wordy - I had to read it three times, but that's more a criticism of my own intelligence, rather than of the writing. For a first chapter, I thought it was rather long and there seems to be a great opportunity (as Arthur sends Circe to sleep) to cut it in two.

However, these are small and probably inconsequential criticisms. Beautifully written, challenging and a great cliffhanger to draw us all in to the rest of the book. With an editor - published quality.

Club nanobots review.
I did read this when I first joined around April time. I don't know why I didn't comment at the time. Maybe because I was new and didn't feel confident enough. I've reread it now.
A lot happens in the first chapter. It is well paced out and gives a good outline of Arthurs surroundings and circumstances. There is a good imagination at work here.
Only a few dodgy commas distracted me. In all it is well edited.
Pollyanna.

Club Nanobots Review

There was quite a bit to process in this first chapter. Since I read the pitch beforehand, I can infer that this 'Arthur' is most likely Arthur's spirit (although one can never be sure). I really enjoyed Arthur's character. He is very well set up here, enough so that I can relate on some levels with his emotions and opinions. I also loved Evegena; she seems like the perfect character for the reader to love to hate :)

I did feel description was a little on the light side here, but that didn't bother me in the slightest. Your way of writing is very immersive, and I really enjoyed this. Added to watch list, can't wait to read more!

Ryan

Nanobots Review
I've read Chapter 1 for Club Nanobots. The time date stamp is quite some time in the future. This is understandable since the abilities the characters have are quite advanced. I always enjoy science fiction that employes mental manipulation and powers that are far beyond ours.

Of course, I have recorded my own experience with mind communicators in my book so this is familiar and not a bit unbelievable.

Why in the world is Arthur so very much against his role as a stud. Seems to be that is what most male humans dream of being. But then there there is the factor that MAMA Seer (Evegena) does not allow breeding to be for the purpose of pleasure. Therefore the book is not all that much futuristic but actually anachronistic back to the days of the Puritans, is it not? But then, maybe the methods in 3892 are nothing like what we know here.

Ok, I'll cut the sarcasm and say how much I enjoyed the story. While reading it I did have more difficulty with the visualization. Something I am normally good at. If you will allow me to suggest, I think your very good story could use more description of what and where Arthur is. Each scene seemed to leave more up to me to create and fill the holes.

I see everything I read and hear in constant unending, unbroken motion picture. I believe that the world will be so very different in 3892 from what I know now, it would add excitement to see the differences. Even the blandness of the rooms and hallways have character as much as there is an effort in that future world to remove all sensory experiences.

Being that this is only the first chapter, I'm sure most of my questions about Outcast will be answered. Right now Outcast is a perfect mystery. There are some logic points that gave me pause such as how disabling a light switch would grant Arthur the cover he wanted and escape from detection the auto light switch would certainly reveal him. Not certain of the "full sensory playback", do I smell a trap set by Evegena?

I didn't know where to begin given Arthur is a character I'm so familiar, so it was scathingly unique to see him in such circumstances, as embowled in this story. But I rode it out. I did! And so I feel happy I now have some semblence of what it was you were trying to do...

So that preamble said, I give you full-stars. Why?? Well its because it WAS a challenge to see where the story was headed, and I went as far as I could, and then here we are. So a noble effort!

However, I would say it may serve you well to rewrite a few of the paragraphs; start with the opening one, for example, but keep in mind, this is the kind of exercise I learnt from attending a lot of Writer's Groups and Theatre. The idea being, to play with the visuals you wish to present in any given paragraph.

You're in no way at fault for such a suggestion. I did rate you highly, its just that I'm so advocate of Speculative Fiction, that I always want Writer's of Sci-Fi and Fantasy to do so well, given the odds in the marketplace.

So be brave, and play with your visuals. Beyond that, well done. I enjoyed it!

Dan

Nanobots, ho!

This gets better and better every time I read it. I hate Arthurians, but this is just so damned wonderful.

The Duke sounds hot. I'd kiss him too ;)

Club Nanobots Critique:
I confess, I had some difficulty getting into this story. The first paragraph introduces terms particular to your story without adequate preparation and before we get to meet the protagonist. I believe it would help somewhat if you were to begin the first paragraph with the sentence: "Free at last, if only for a short while, Arthur . . ." I was also confused initially by your capitalization of rank. Initiate Seers I took to be a person's name rather than a rank.

Of course, by the time I finished reading the chapter, I was becoming familiar with your world and interested in the plight of your protagonist, I just feel that you bring in too much information too soon.

Club Nanobot:
Love the vernacular! The world you've created has depth and character. The writing flows smoothly and I love that it starts off with a bit of action. It's eery and fascinating all at once. I do slightly agree with Cool1 that it could possibly be split into two chapters. I say that only because reading on a computer is so different from reading a physical book. It would be just the right length if I were actually holding it in my hands. Anyway, great work! Six stars. (:
Bre
Memoria

{Club Nanobot}
The first chapter I found really enjoyable. It did exactly what the first Chapter of any book should do, and make me want to read more. Well done.

This is my comment for Club Nanobot:
The first chapter of The Enchanted Trap is quite interesting and sets the stage for following chapters. Arther's actions fit his age well by testing his boundrys.

My only suggestion would be to try and split chapter one into two chapters.

Cool1
Partners

Hi, Elizabeth! Here follows my "Club Nanobot" critique of the first chapter of your tome.

Of course, I remember this book. How could I forget it, given that it whipped my book's arse in the recent MayHem competition? Anyways, the comments that follow are my reactions to reading your first chapter - please remember that my views are but one among many: only use the stuff that you find useful and feel free to bin the rest.

The good news is that my first impression of your writing skills is excellent. Descriptions are inventive, dialogue reads fine - particularly between Arthur and the Archive; no grammatical snafus to be concerned about (though there's currently a couple of formatting issues - not important as this is Autho, not the finished product).

The story promised in the long description sounds interesting - more than a run-of-the-mill Arthurian regurgitation. This is a steadfastly SciFi rendition with the potential for many intriguing twists as Merlin and Arthur battle to control the flesh.

What concerns me about the read is the way you've chosen to present the story. This opening chapter feels ... rushed. Arthur gets up to a lot in this chapter: attempts to visit Avalon; gets caught and has an inteview with Evegena; has sex and shares dreams (of a completely different world) with Circe; stealthily visits the Archive and gets rumbled, and sent into some fugue to experience another person's entire life. That's a heck of a lot to fit into an opening chapter, particularly given that you also need to introduce a lot of concepts: underwater Avalon; PSI abilities; Archives and Seers; Arthur himself.

The good thing about writing SciFi (in my view) is that your average 21st century SciFi (or SciFantasy) reader is happy to tackle longer books, and is thus happy to read books that take their time to develop. The read, for me, would have been easier to settle into if you had given youself space and time to introduce Arthur and his situation, given me time to indulge my curiosity about Avalon (he's caught before he has time to blink - you've got a perfect opportunity for an Arthur-hunted-by-Seers chase through fantastical underwater city thing here), Authur's immediate tasks (Evegena is the immediate big-boss protagonist, that scene could be beefed up considerably with plenty of opportunities for background and infodump stuff), even Arthur's relationship with Circe - could it be developed more, perhaps some suspense added (will she be friend or spy)?

That's one heck of a long sentence for me to write - must be time for me to stop. Like I said, use what you need (if anything) from these comments and bin the rest. And best wishes with taking this project forward!

This is my Club Nanobot review for the Chapter One competition.

It took me a while to understand what was going on. But once I caught onto the setting and the significance of Arthur having telepathic abilities that could help in the war, the plot fell into place nicely. Part of the challenge is that Arthur is interacting with psychic computers, so there's not a lot of emotion in those exchanges. I can understand how he's feeling, being unsatisfied with his lot in life.

Extra points for repeated mentions of semen and dropping a squid shit reference.

The ending to the first chapter was a good cliffhanger.

Best of luck,

Brian Bandell
Mute

BHCG Review

From reading the other comments, I went into this first chapter with a little trepidation. Perhaps I was influenced by the comments but actually my chapters are longer than yours. I got past the initial paragraph with no trouble and settled in to read, I did enjoy the chapter. And really, I've read a couple other stories with large blocks of description and setting and couldn't really get into the book. However, I really enjoyed your book.

I thought, actually, that you spent a bit more defining characters in this chapter than really focusing on plots. Getting us to know the main players. I know that Evegena's speeches are lengthy, but I think you're trying to convey a character who likes to hear herself talk. I know some folks like that - their usual communication style is one speech after another. You can't dare try to interrupt because they'll just talk over you. So, you just mmm and yes until they finally run out of breath.

I was really drawn in by your last paragraph enough to decide to wl you and reach for another of your chapters in the future. Sci fi isn't my favorite genre, but your mix of fantasy within it, and my love for all things King Arthur has me interested.

A BHCG review
If I am correct you are updating the Arthur legend and adding a sci-fi twist by setting it in the future. So far, so original. This in itself is an achievement as it is very hard to imagine a world in the future and write about it convincingly. And I think you manage to create the world of the story in a way that would appeal to those who enjoy this specialist genre. But as a mainstream or a non-sci fi reader I am struggling to read past Chapter One.

The main issue for me is that there is far too much exposition conveyed in the opening chapter. I want to know what Arthur looks like, what he feels so I may be at odds with all the other commentators who might be reading your book, but to me, plot is very much secondary to character and theme. I want to be emotionally engaged by the characters in the first chapter.

Writers of any specialist genre have to work much harder than perhaps their peers who write more accessible fiction and I think that your writing is strong enough to be able to do that, but at the moment I am hampered by too many stumbling blocks such as those chunks of exposition from Evegena.

Your descriptive prose is good but I think your dialogue comes across as too formal and a little wooden, at times and could do with loosening up a little – for example, don't be afraid of using contracted words.
I come from a screenwriting background and I always read dialogue out loud first. Even though this is futuristic and you want to convey that sense in the way the characters speak, the dialogue still needs to be accessible. I don’t know if you get Dr Who where you live but the dialogue and the scripts are brilliant as they're so accessible. George Lucas' writes the worst dialogue ever – you only need look at the Star Wars (was in part one) with Ja Ja Binks to see what I mean……

Alison
Lambert Nagle

FCCG

CN,

This is way outside my normal comfort zone, but I enjoyed the underwater world you've created and would be very interested to watch it on the screen. A lot of the terminology was foreign to me, but I'm sure regular Sci-Fi readers will do fine with it. Overall it was clean. I'll point out the few areas where I got confused. I'm not sure if it is a clarity issue in the way the passages are written or my lack of experience in the genre. Either way, I took notes and you can do whatever you want with them.


" . . .hissed open to admit Arthur into the presence of a skeletal hag." This briefly stopped me -the doors hissed open to admit him to - just by the wording I was expecting a place, not a person, normally I would know what a skeletal hag is, but in this instance it confused because I was expecting a room, or building. I get it now, it just stopped me and I had to re-read several times.


"The pack closed in for the kill, but the figure gestured, sending them slinking away into the night." I stumbled a bit here too. Was the pack moving in to kill the cross-legged robed figure or is someone else being chased by wolves. It wasn't very clear. Ok it's explained more as I read on, but it was overly confusing for me in the moment and broke cadence.

spewing ng dusty? didn't get the ng. If it's nanogram, which is what came up when i typed it in, then it would seem weird he could measure something so small and if he could I don't know why it's important. Again, may just be my lack of knowledge with the genre.

Oh squid shit :) :)

Best
Bill

FCCG review (revised for nanobot)

simply put, your first chapter is very well done. confusing as it may be, you have clear structure and little to no errors to speak of. the only thing blowing my mind was the story, and that's well within my definition of good work. something with this degree of depth is often more intriguing when simply thrown in the reader's face, and sometimes it needs that introduction from the first five minutes of "dune".

that said, i couldn't immediately suggest adding or mending anything here, as the final two paragraphs seem effective enough to goad readers into the next chapter. the only fault i can put a finger on is exactly the reason i would rate your efforts highly, the 'blow-my-mind' part.

to elaborate; a great helping of the crowd here doesn't always appreciate plots and storylines that aren't cut and dry to the reader by the first few sentences, and some will even add insult to injury by masking their shortcomings with "this isn't my favorite genre" when lending criticism. rest assured, though, you're adding to good literature and should heed your own advice for this book more often than not.

good luck with the ascension.

Hi, Elizabeth,

Wow - you had me going wondering where this was headed, his past, how he got here, the girl and Author's seed situation. LOL....

I did have to re-read that first opening line several times. I don't know why I got stuck there. After stepping back and reading it again, I got it. And it was then that I had a stronger visual and an overall sense.

The 2nd para was clear about the Initiates and his problem trying to avoid them.
The connection for me was made at "she looked up from her work interface..." then the mistress part. And then to learn he's 18 almost.
The language was intelligent and perfect for this kind of story.
The voice was stongest from the narrators pov. More importantly, the continuity flowed demonstrating a clear progression of new ideas, vocabulary and language that a reader must quickly adapt.

The last line was terrific! making me want to continue to the 2nd chapter.
I love the name Circe-the mythological witch who turned men to beasts. I used that in my story Backward Glances. Can't remember what chapter.

Anyhow, no run on's, no mispelled words. A reader needs to set time aside for this anf read carefully to understand the full meaning. You need to learn who the players are and what's at stack. Author's goal in this chapter is clear becasue he clearly mentioned he did not want to be a seer and wanted to be forefront in battle.
As the sotry moves in, he's inquisitive about his dreams and how that affects me making him want to deceive the archives to find out more.

I truly enjoyed this.
I will return to read more, just wanted to leave you this feedback on the first chapter since you were so kind in reading my story and helping out.

Nancy Lopez
backward Glances

Hi, Elizabeth,

Wow - you had me going wondering where this was headed, his past, how he got here, the girl and Author's seed situation. LOL....

I did have to re-read that first opening line several times. I don't know why I got stuck there. After stepping back and reading it again, I got it. And it was then that I had a stronger visual and an overall sense.

The 2nd para was clear about the Initiates and his problem trying to avoid them.
The connection for me was made at "she looked up from her work interface..." then the mistress part. And then to learn he's 18 almost.
The language was intelligent and perfect for this kind of story.
The voice was stongest from the narrators pov. More importantly, the continuity flowed demonstrating a clear progression of new ideas, vocabulary and language that a reader must quickly adapt.

The last line was terrific! making me want to continue to the 2nd chapter.
I love the name Circe-the mythological witch who turned men to beasts. I used that in my story Backward Glances. Can't remember what chapter.

Anyhow, no run on's, no mispelled words. A reader needs to set time aside for this anf read carefully to understand the full meaning. You need to learn who the players are and what's at stack. Author's goal in this chapter is clear becasue he clearly mentioned he did not want to be a seer and wanted to be forefront in battle.
As the sotry moves in, he's inquisitive about his dreams and how that affects me making him want to deceive the archives to find out more.

I truly enjoyed this.
I will return to read more, just wanted to leave you this feedback on the first chapter since you were so kind in reading my story and helping out.

Nancy Lopez
backward Glances

CN,
Opening with Arthur put out to stud by some evil hag with plans for his progeny, "Enchanted Trap" is aptly named in the manner by which it draws in the reader and holds him captive. You portray scenes in meticulous detail and your dialogue is spirited, enhancing the pace. Your protagonists are human and sympathetic, albeit in a cold, futuristic environment. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

BHCG Review
Wow! I've been reading all morning when I should have been doing lots of other things! I read everything you uploaded, fascinated.
Ok
Plot - very complicated. I absolutely loved all the bits with Ashira/Shadow, and understood the ramifications of the various groups and religion. Not so keen on the Arthur bits but was beginning to see how it fitted together by the end. I assume Arthur is the son. I liked the way you weaved all the Arhurian names into the story.
Pacing - great. The story drew me along all the way. Lots of action and romance. I found the pace perfect.
The characters were great, again I was mainly involved with Ashira, Uther, Ector and the characters in that side of the story. All the minor characters were well drawn and distinctive. There were a lot but I did not find them confusing.
P OV again very convincing but, personally, I did not particularly engage with Arthur.
Style and writing were superb! You really can write. I'd be thrilled if I could achieve just the Uther and Ashira part, without all the rest you are doing.
Dialogue very convincing. There was nothing at all that jarred or seemed stilted, Great writing.
Originality is certainly no problem.
Publishability, is the plot too complicated? I don't know. Certainly Iain Banks novels are very popular and they are just as complex. I can't follow them at all but they are best sellers. As far as the writing goes it's more than just publishable!
One thing - I don't think the pitch does the book justice.
Six stars, obviously, stunning!

Elizabeth,

I found your book on the Fantasy read Swaps thread and I'm so glad I did.
The story you pitch is an interesting twist on Arthurian tales (as so many have said before me). I was, however a little hesitant on how you were going to pull it off.

I got drawn in almost instantly. Like some others I found there were bits that were confusing, not quite enough detail for me. The first mention of the 'Terran Outcast', the psi-rating (I'm an engineer, psi is a pressure unit but not sure what it means here), Ashira's premonition - I read it three times and wasn't sure what I was supposed to be seeing. I didn't understand the conversation with the Outcast and I'm assuming Outcast's can't be trusted but are often used???

Despite all that I had not trouble getting through the first two chapters and want to know more (when I have time to read more than 2 chapters...next millenium possibly :))

Personally I would like it slowed down a bit. At the moment it's like I'm blinking rapidly, I get snippets of the scenery but then the story moves on and I'm not sure I understood the relevance of what you were telling me. I don't really get to know Ashira and the relationship she has with her father - she must have some thoughts on why he hates her so much?? - before she's sold off and then I'm thrown a load of ritual stuff between Uther and Ashira and I'm not sure why she's hiding her fighting ability (what is a war maid?). So many questions.

You're writing is brilliant despite all that, when you describe you do it well and despite my confusion I want to read more.

I hope that helps in some way, I am aware it's probably a bit confusing.

Danielle

Elizabeth,

Here is my BHCG review of Enchanted Trap

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum - I had to read the opening first paragraphs in Chapter 1 several times to figure out what was going on. It may be too descriptive. I would recommend a quicker identification of the setting for idiots like me who don't read the pitch first :).

The years threw me off a bit. The earth years were only about 25 years apart, yet the technology seemed 2500 years apart.


Pacing – For me the start was slow, but it picked up through the 1st chapter and became an enjoyable read through the first five. For me it became a page turner during the Uther and Ashira parts.

Characters/Characterization - I like Arthur's struggle for independence in that difficult world.

Point of View/Voice – Great! Voice was mostly active. Any passive voice was not distracting.

Style – I liked how you switched back and forth between past and present. I was enjoying the Uther and Ashira story a lot, so anyone who enjoyed the other story

Sentence level – This was very well written. I only had one change:

Chapter 5 halfway through,

“He couldn’t accept his my mother as a war maid, a dislike that included me.” I would recommend changing that slightly because I had to read it a couple of times.

Dialogue – easy flow and natural.

Originality- Very original. I have never read a futuristic Arthurian tale. I liked your mix of past and present.

Publishability – I think so. You could self-publish and this would be a great read without a lot of needed editing. The first chapter was the slowest part for me. I will add this to my watchlist and continue reading when I’m done with writing my book.

You have done a nice job so far! Good luck and good writing!

John

Hi Elizabeth. I started my BHCG review tonight, but I was only able to read one chapter. I plan to read several more tomorrow and will submit a review as soon as possible.

John

BHCG review:

Commenting on this particular genre is way above my head, but I will share my thoughts with you. To start off I must say - brilliant writing. Period. You're amazing.

PLOT - you have a good plot that unfolds nicely, with good flow through each chapter (your use of language amazed me); and except for my own inability to keep up, I thought you maintained the momentum

PACING - didn't feel swamped with too much back story

CHARACTER/CHARACTERIZATION - I liked the introduction and distinguished them, and your descriptions are truly perfected

POINT OF VIEW/VOICE - didn't spot any sudden POV jumps or switches; maintained a good voice throughout

STYLE - except for my not being a sci-fi reader, your narrative is beautiful, descriptions are fabulous, the language rhythm helped with creating the intensity of the moments and mysteriousness of the characters' interractions

SENTENCE LEVEL - this piece seems impeccable when it comes to grammar; there were no unneded phrases or repetitive word usage

DIALOGUE - excellent

ORIGINALITY/PUBLISHABILITY - I have to defer to your research due to my unfamiliarity with this genre.

Well-deserved 6 stars from me. It reads very well!
Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

SF42

Chapter 1
- I’m a little lost. Your writing is so dense, and although there’s so much detail, there’s not much there.
- I’m not overly pulled in. The idea is interesting, and the writing is well done, but I feel as though I’m just gliding on the surface and right now I can either take it or leave it.

Chapter 2
- This chapter is MUCH better than the first! Little dialogue, but now I’ve been pulled down from the surface into the depths of the waters which is your book. Lovely description, but maybe a bit more? Different descriptions, perhaps? You describe appearances, superficial ones, but perhaps go a bit deeper, as you do in the line “one brown boot…a fierce light kindled in the deep-set eyes.” Do that more often, because you’re quite good at it.
- The wristband thing is quite interesting. I wonder if people would ever steal a gold one and pretend to be in the high caste? I suppose I’ll have to keep reading to find out, but it’s something that’s in my mind. I can see criminals having a tattooed wristband to forever mark them.
- You’ve pulled me so far into this book. I wish you had done this in the first chapter. I feel as though I’m reading a completely different book.
- I like how even though it’s quite far into the future, it’s in the past.

Chapter 3
- ….I want him, whoever this Duke is, I want him….
- No more comments for this chapter. I didn’t even realise I got to the end of the chapter!

Okay, so overall, my first impression of this book was terrible. Sorry. But I wanted to give you more comments, so I continued to read. I’m so glad that I did. As I said, it’s as if reading a completely different book. Going to the extreme, I would say ditch the first chapter or completely re-write it. I will definitely continue reading as soon as I finish writing this. I may not comment again, but read more, I shall! Highly starred! I noticed you’re also in Mayhem, so good luck there too!

- Nichole

BHCG review: Enchanted Trap:

Plot, narrative flow etc: Great pitches. Enticing, just the right amount of intrigue. I was hooked straight away. A good premise too. You have reeled me in with the promise of Arthur – one of my all time favourite myths/legends, whatever … I love the story of King Arthur and the grail quest especially. And the hint in the pitch of a battle between Merlin and Arthur, who once were allies, really stirs my imagination. So, good start! Not enamoured with the title but the cover’s very cool :)
C1 – Wow! Only word I can think of, other than, pretty damn good. :D
C2 – Well, I’m well and truly hooked. Just one bit that jarred (but only slightly) ‘metal hissed on leather’ I found this difficult to imagine – ‘thudded’ maybe – hissing would be more metal-on-metal.
C3 – Okay, I stopped at three chapters because I have my own stuff to write (:P) and, I have to say, reading this gave me encouragement – to write better! I liked the ending of this chapter.
- Good narrative flow. No awkward sentences etc to hold me up. Just an exciting, enjoyable read.

Pacing: C1 really, to me, should set the scene for the rest of the story ... I liked all the sci-fi stuff and I thought the scene in the Archive was pretty good writing. I see from some comments you've had this chapter jars with a few - maybe I have a brain that manages to take in lots of information because I was totally taken up with everything in C1. But I guess it's all very subjective - :)

Characters/characterization: Completely with Arthur in the first chapter. Really like the way you introduce him and the wise seer ‘Evegena’. And Circe. Ashira and Uther are strong characters. There’s sympathy for Ashira at play here and respect for Uther. Yep, excellent.

POV/Voice: Very strong. From Arthur through to Ashira … the voice changes to match the character – that’s no easy feat and is deserving of my homage :D

Sentence level etc: Nothing stood out. A nice, easy, flowing read. Well polished.

Dialogue: Superb. Enough said.

Originality: Not really. Well, yeah, okay, it’s original in its telling of Arthur etc. So, I stand corrected.

Publishability: One question: why isn’t it? Deserves to be and should be imho.

Can’t fault this, at all. Just a cracking good read. I’ll be back. One thing, can I read the rest?

Mick

Btw - I'm astonished this isn't higher in the charts ... starred and shelf pending ... there's a bit of a wait but it'll get there :)

Oo, if only this weren't an Arthurian. Lovely premise, great writing, fabulous character interaction and development. Great, great, great. If only it wasn't an Arthurian ;-) (that said, for an Arthurian, it's pretty damn good)

Elizabeth,
Okay I've only gotten into the first couple of chapters but just wanted to write a quick note to say I'm loving it and can't wait to read further. Your MS is very clean, your prose is evocative, the story line is amazing. This book has a ton of potential and I'm so glad I started reading it! Great, great work and I wish you the best of luck with it! 6 stars.

Bre
Memoria