The Darkness of Gold

did you change your cover? sorry if you did this a while ago and I only just noticed. I like it alot!

Sara

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, prologue is captivating, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Hi well reatten with clear description. Will make a good movie after harry Potter. Good lick.

Hey Kat,

Sorry it's taken me so long to comment, but well, here I am.

I loved you descriptive style of writing. It paints a vivid picture of your world, rarely leaves out any detail that your imagination conjured up. It's an asset in fantasy writing, especially for worlds that are independent of this ours.
Vanora's character is strong, her voice distinctive enough that the reader gets a real feel of her, intimate. You've made her easy to get to know and that will help readers connect and get to care for her. I think it's a woman thing, cos I can't always do that (or I'm just making excuses for my shortcomings :D ... let's go with the first one).

Well, you have a way with words that I envy and yet they get away from you sometimes, making your paragraphs longer than they need to. You can always find a way to say the same thing with less words.
For example the first paragraph of chapter 8 could read...
"Vanora had woken with vigour, and yet her energy dissipate as she followed Julia to the throne room. The straps of her pack dug into her shoulders beneath the dress. Her palms were sweaty and skipping breakfast had left her stomach uncomfortably vacant...."
That was random, not saying it needs work :)
You use the character's name a lot in close succession (Vanora felt Julia leave her side as Vanora walked to towards the edge of the pond). Try to replace some of those "Vanora" to she. Will read better.
I'm all for descriptive writing but you really don't need to put in words ever single action the character performs. It seems a waste of words. Like you tend to speak of every movement of the hands or head, like -- ("Wait," she said, putting her hand to Zane's arm.) You could just say ... "she said, touching/reaching for Zane's arm"

Using the world "feel" goes to telling and not showing and it should be avoided. I was ignorant about it till I came here several reviewers pointed it out and then it made sense. Avoiding telling the reader what a character feels, instead show them, through the character. Describe the feeling but without identifying it as such.
"Vanora closed her eyes as she felt the Queen's soft lips against her skin" == "Vanora closed her eyes as the Queen's soft lips touched her skin." (specifying touch instead of using 'felt', plus showing a mental picture of lips touching).
You use feel and it's tenses a lot. It may not be so easy to drop :D

Only read up to chapter 7 though my examples are from 8 ...
-> She could see behind her eyes the red fissure within her that she did not know where there -- (was there/ fissures)
-> they seemed to swirl the a shade darker than emerald.

It's an enjoying and fantastic read so far and there's a lot more to say about the story and it's characters. The father and brother, Ophelia, even this mysterious darkness are all fascinating. Will delve deeper and comment as I go. :)

Edwin - The First Oath.

A YARG Review
So far I have read the prologue and first chapter. I have to confess that fantasy is not my kind of genre but I hope that you can use some of the comments below.
I like the idea behind your story; that a girl has to save the world from something evil. However, I was a little confused by your pitch. In your short pitch you mention a plague and in the long pitch it is the Darkness. It might be helpful to clarify that.
Although I have only read a small part, so far, I feel you have nailed the whole writing descriptions thing. You do it very well. However, I personally feel that there is a little too much description. I believe not everything has to be described in great detail as I can slow the pace down a little. The prologue is a little heavy on description for me and it almost overwhelms the evil that is taking place.
In Ch 1 a couple of nitpicks:
"She slowed as she looked back, seeing no guards or archers causing Vanora to smile" This sounds a bit odd. Do you mean "seeing no guards Vanora smiled" or "seeing no guards or archers made Vanora smile."
One other point: Why did Vanora's mind swim?
I enjoyed the part where Vanora is talking about her brother Oscar as this reveals her feelings and part of her character. I also enjoyed the fight sequence with Ophelia.
In general this is shaping up to be an enjoyable story. I will return to read more if I can to give some comments on the development of the story.
All the best with this
Julia
Shadow Jumper

YARG review

Hey Kat,

As other people have mentioned before me you have a very nice clean style. You have a knack for description and I found myself quite easily picturing the landscape the action was taking place in. However I feel you need to cut back a little on over description and internal monologue. When we get to the action and dialogue it runs along nicely but it takes a little too long to get there without much insight into the characters mind of furthering of plot.
I genuinely enjoyed the fight scene between the teacher and student. The main character is in an interesting situation at the start of the book but so far the teacher character was rather bland. I found rather a lot of typing errors and grammatical mistakes so you should probably give your MS over to someone who can help you edit them out.

Here are my small corrections -

prologue
violent breeze is an oxymoron
to the end of THE invocation ?
You repeat the word bodies one line after the other, perhaps you'd be better to say corpses or cadavers?

CH 1
...only a couple of windows lit by candles within - This doesn't sound quite right. Do you mean ...only a couple of windows WERE lit by candles FROM within. ??
I think the teacher is the one explaining not her soft voice - that would suggest sentience on the part of her voice
She'd imagine it WAS her waist length...
Ophelia whirled to THE right as the LIGHTNING charged fire whizzed PAST her
you misspell lightning a second time in the following paragraph
She had remember small thoughts - perhaps better would be - she could remember ?

You've got a nice idea here with some fine writing but you need to give it a careful edit to pull it all together.
Please feel free to argue with me or tell me about a particular part you need help with or whatever you like!

Benedict

Thank you for posting the conclusion of your story. I really appreciate when writers let us see how the story ends. The only typo I ran across in chapt 25 was -"I love you, " he whispered so softl." (missing a 'y' on softly.) Other than that it looked good. It seems that the end also hints at a sequel? Anyway best of luck to you and thanks again for the great story. Desi

onmy WL. have look at Ache in my heart.

good story..great writing...and well told...every works very well indeed...
l will back...
read SEASONS...

Thank you for posting more of your story! Seemed fairly polished. The only thing that I wondered about was in Chapter 22- "He threw his hands in the air and shook her head angrily." -who shook her head?- just a little confusing. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

Hey again!

So, everything I suggested before seems to have happened in Chapter 7. Ophelia's death, her brother's been taken... now it's personal! I still think it could've happened earlier in the story, especially since they both occur in rather isolated incidents. You could almost copy and paste those events and put them anywhere. haha.

I'm getting the impression that Vanora is getting a bit of a crush on this Zane fella, but I'm having a difficult time understanding why. He hasn't seemed to open up with her at all. If it's her lonliness thats leading to it, or maybe he's a looker, I would put more emphasis on that. Maybe she could spend more time wondering what he's thinking, or she could notice that he's bothered by something, any kind of vulnerability might be more engaging. Again, this issue could be explained or resolved later on... but right now I felt it was worth mentioning.

Also, Icathen reminded me of Rivendell from Lord of the Rings. :)

I'm beginning to grow attached to the MC. Vanora, like other comments have already stated, is a very nicely developed character. I want to see her get out of this mess safe, that's just good writing! Looking forward to reading on!

mike

YARG review

Kat,
I liked the way you start the story, Vanora slipping out of the castle, and I enjoyed the description of the nightime, the fun of being out alone at night, and the surprise of Ophelia’s appearance and her ‘attack’.
Vanora is a sympathetic character, with all the emotions and reactions of a teenager, her lack of confidence, wanting things to be as they used to be, regretting the detachment of her brother. This comes over particularly strongly in the scene where Vanora is being prepared for her Recognition. Thank goodness she had Ophelia to make her feel less alone.
You have a talent for describing the simple things, the sunlight, clouds, the way a cushion sits in the window seat. And Vanora’s emotions come over well too, especially in the Recognition scene.
There were a couple of things that didn’t seem quite right to me, (and I’m speaking as a European who has been dragged through dozens of castles, manor houses and keeps and stately homes as a child and later for pleasure), firstly how Vanora stepped outside the castle as easily as a suburban teenager sneaking out of the house at night. When I think castle, I think massive iron-bound doors, porcullis, drawbridge, moat, guards on duty, sentries on the walls etc. If there are guards then the place needed guarding and they wouldn’t be asleep. Shutting the door loudly also sounded like a normal house door.
The other thing I wanted to know was why Oscar had to go ‘to Garameer to learn about courtly life until the time he would be called to take over as king.’
Why wouldn’t he learn about being king from watching the king? What’s at Garameer?

Just a thought, silly maybe, but I would have liked Vanora to wash her hands before she went round hugging people after she’d had to kill the man with the plague.

You have a quiet, confident way of story-telling and I wish you the best of luck with Darkness of Gold. High stars.
Jane.

Chapter 20 was great reveal chapter for Zane's feelings. I also thought that it was a good addition that they still can't be together because of Vanora's station and responsibilities. Often times when everything is resolved in a romance it loses interest- it is the tension between the characters that gives it life so to speak. So even after Zane professes his love- to have this to still overcome I think is a good tactic.

Editorial issues for chapter 20: "The hand dropped back to his side and he looked up at t the deepening blue sky."(extra t) and "Who do you (think?) the creator it?"

Thank you so much for continuing to add chapters. 6 stars in appreciation. If you continue to post I would love to read on. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

Kat!
Here are a few thoughts on chapters 4 and 5.
These chapters, in my opinion, do a very good job of showcasing your strengths and weaknesses as a writer. Your strength? Setting! Your environment descriptions are fantastic! My imagination lights up as I read your work and I enjoy every second of it. I find you connect your characters with the setting very well too. Your weakness? Dialogue, but not in a terrible way. I find that given the lushness of your setting, the way the characters speak seem a bit dry by comparison. Not horrible, just needs a little more personality.

I loved how you described the rain, how it "purified the fear of the evening before." Great!

This next comment may not work at all, given that I've only read up to chapter five. I was thinking that there seems to be no emotion connection between Vanora and the Darkness. If it were possible to make that fear more personal I think it would push the readers interest a little higher. I read a comment from another user who suggested that you kill off Ophelia. I somewhat agree, since the beginning is a little slow, but maybe you could have her reveal that the darkness is slowly killing her... That would make the battle very personal. It would also add an urgency for Vanora to do what she could to save her mentor. Just a thought, take it or leave it :)

The book is certainly picking up! I'm encouraged to read more!

mike

YARG review!
This story was a bit slow at the beginning, but by the end of the chapter I was completely involved in the story. Thinking back now, the beginning is perfect, starting things slowly and picking up through the chapter.

Vanora is a character I could feel for, especially the part about her envying her brother. What girl hasn't at one time or another wished she was a boy so she could do something exciting?

Ophelia is the perfect mother figure to teach Vanora and maybe even keep an eye on her. She's a character I'd be interested to find out what happens to her!

This is one of the few books I've seen that isn't super fast and fulls of action, and is perfect like that! The fight scene was enough for chapter one---hopefully I'll have time to read on! ;D A well-written book with an original plot and believable characters!

Good luck with this!

Noelle "Dark Origins"

The Darkness of Gold started off slow but by the end it really gripped me- I cared very much about what happens to the characters. However, why does Vanora go to Faerie Kingdom all by herself if she is a princess? Just cause she is also a healer? Anyway, very poetic in places and descriptive. At the beginning the pace is slow however after Zane character is added to the story interest is increased and this seems to pick up the pace some. Fairly well polished, with only very minor editorial issues:

Chapter 4- "It was well into the afternoon when that smelled filled the village." (tense issue?)
Chapter 9 "Vanora could tell that he was hungry, that he felt what she did by the hungry his gaze." (hungry his gaze reads strangely)
Chapter 10- "Zane continued held (to hold) her arm,..."
Chapter 12- "Zane lifted his sword from its scabbard slightly so it would draw quickly if he needed it." - this sentence seems to be repeated more than once in the story- or at least very similar sentence. and "May be have the prophecy?" Awkward sentence.
Chapter 13- "She looked back towards the city, pushing her feeling deep with her,.." What feelings did she have (sadness, insecurity, anxiety) clarification would be nice here. and "Vanora leaned forward, brushing her lips quickly against Zane's cheeky (cheek)..."
Chapter 15- I enjoyed this chapter very much- almost as much as I enjoyed 13 and 14. The tension in the relationship had been building- and this turn of events was quite a shock- kept me on the edge of my seat. Makes us wonder what is going on with Zane-is he really wanting to distance from her and that his show of feelings were a ruse, or that he it trying to hide his feelings due to duty. Creates interest in the story- but possible may make readers dislike the Zane character which doesn't work well in a romance- but I think the important thing for this will be in what direction the relationship takes in future that will give this chapter context. I really like the Vanora character- a good mixture of vulnerability and power. A genuinely good person but so very lonely and inexperienced- just the type of person who may misinterpret a ruse. This chapter does give a lot of drama which I think is a good thing- the cayden coming to kill her then refusing to kill her just as this is all going on might just be a bit much however.
It is also interesting the repeating theme of distant men in Vanora's life- her distant emotionally unavailable father, the recent distance in the relationship with her brother and now Zane-the emotionally constipated Faerie. :)
Chapter 18- "She felt the heavy weight of her bread (braid?) against her back and pulled it over her shoulder." and "He reached down and patted Andreas on the neck as her(he?) slowed him to a stop."

I was so disappointed when I hit chapter 19 and there was no more to read :( I would really love to continue reading and so hope that you continue to post more! So I guess that is the best endorsement that I can give- other than backing- which I will and 5 stars. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

Love the imagery! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

so ive only had time to read the first chapter, but so far i like it. The pitch really sucked me in and to be honest i was a bit let down that the first chapter was a tad slow and more there just to explain who Vanora was, her powers, and a bit of her past. Most novels ive read suck you in right away and then with slowful suspense explain those tidbits, but as a control freak i kinda liked knowing right from the beginning who Venora was.

overall though, you have a great writing style and although im not great at the editing process i saw no "jump right out" mistakes. You painted a beautiful scenary so realistic one can picture it in there mind as they read. Im assuming from the pitch the action is going to pick up as the novel continues.
im keeping it on my WL so that i can continue reading and finding out what is in store for Venora.

Amanda

Me again!
Chapter 3!
My opinions are much the same as the second chapter. Maybe this is redundant to comment after every chapter but I do this while I'm at work so I don't have the time to read more than one, hah.
Firstly, the name Vanora seemed really familiar to me but I just couldn't figure out why. I'm pretty sure it's because I had someone in my book with the same name until I finally decided it didn't fit the character. That fact isn't really helpful in any way I just thought I'd mention it haha.
This chapter had some good stuff happen in it but I found the action was constantly interrupted by a lot of re-iteration. I understand the impulse to review what the character is seeing, hearing, thinking and smelling but it happens quite often and slows the pace. Also, a few times you've explained the motivations for what Vanora is about to say before she actually says it, why not let her actions and words speak for themselves? I feel like with a strong enough direction, the reader will come to understand her without as much explanation.

A few moments in this chapter had my interest levels piqued. When you mention the orange eyes watching her from her room, I immediately wanted to read faster to discover who those eyes belonged to. But its cool that I don't know yet.. mysteries are good too. Also, the end was well done! I'm motivated to read on.

hope this helps!

mike

Kat!
I'm sorry this took me so long. I've just finished chapter 2 and wanted to give a few comments before reading on.
This is completely hypocritical of me to say, but I thought the first chapter moved a tad slowly. It isn't that the wrong things happen, It does a good job grabbing my interest and setting up the universe. In my opinion it just takes longer than it should. The first bit of the second chapter is the same, a bit long winded. I would say until the recognition begins it was a little long winded. I still thought it was great!
I actually hate giving you this advice because I actually find that our writing voices are somewhat similar. If you ever make it to the fifth chapter of my book (when the prologue actually ends) I think you might see what I mean. The pace quickens at that point.

Also, the only spelling error I noticed was that you wrote balm rather than calm near the beginning of chapter 2.

Anyway, when I read more I'll let you know what I think!

mike

Hi, I spotted your opening posted on the forums and thought it read very well so I came to take a look at the rest. I read through the opening chapters, and it's well written.
You seem to have picked a structure of conveying one day per chapter. After a few chapters that gets a little repetative and the pace is a little plodding, so I'd advise condensing the time frame and simply having a gap to indicate a scene change, in the chapters, ie, to jump time and space. I would also suggest yuo have moments where Ophelia's telepathy is cut off, otherwise it risks coming across as the teenage main character having her mum along on the adventure.
Lastly, YA is the genre that sits between Childrens (9-12 age band) and Adult (17+) Adult fiction, so the target readership, as far as publishers are concerned, is young to mid teens, 13-16yr olds. They need to be able to empathise with the main protagonist and it's easier to do that if the character is closer in age to the reader, ie, 16yrs old. I don't see a problem in the chapters I've read with reducing her age, although you should probably have her father provide her with a bodyguard/escort. They can quickly die in an attack by the creatures so leaving the protagonist alone, having to fend for herself, which is common in all novels of this genre.
All the best with it,
Naomi

CONTINUING WITH YOUR STORY

CHAPTER 4
reword ‘ophelia’s voice said urgently inside her mind. this is repetitive since we REALLY get that it’s urgent in the dialogue with the italics and the words.

‘vanora stood motionless, . . ..’ This sentence should come after you describe what’s happening. at first you mention chaos but then don’t describe it right after. I don’t know what kind of chaos you are talking about. So right after that, you should go to ‘Villagers lay on the ground . . .’

‘she stood back, her power still . . ..’ this whole paragraph seems like a lot to handle. a lot of action. I think you should describe it all at one (trimming it a little) so it fits nicely when she talks about the chaos. Then go to the pregnant woman.

This whole beginning has too much stuff going on. Focus on one thing. I don’t know what the important thing is. Try to keep the description and action down too. It slows down the read. an example is ‘the voice was like the sound of onions . . .’ it’s just too much. You already said its deep and sinister. either try to combine this to the onion description or get rid of the onion. . . . Then you say she emerges from the forest after the voice spoke to her. I didn’t even know she was in the forest. Why? because so much is going on.

‘this thing is a creation of the Darkness.’ ???? I thought that thing speaking was the Darkness?

‘the answer surprised her’ sometimes you don’t need to read us her thoughts. we can get it from the dialogue.

‘by my master. my master made me . . ..’ this whole part is too much exposition. it sounds forced. why would he want to tell her all this?

what i do like is the BRIEF description of the child of the darkness right after he says ‘I have been waiting . . . a smile splitting his face in half . . .. I could really visualize what was going on. also, bits of the description setting this part up just before was pretty good, too. The tone was SUPERB at that moment. I felt the danger in this creature.

Just so you know (ONLY because you set this creature up SOOOO well) that her disintegrating the creature so easily and him doing nothing to her seemed so fake. I didn’t like it that it was so easy for her to defeat a creature that felt as powerful as satan.

‘with the Darkness gone . . .’ I thought that thing was a child of the Darkness? Or was the Darkness there, too? Just clarify it a bit who is who.

Jerim saying ‘Elder of Icathen’ seems forced.

When Jerim is speaking with Vanora, he seems to be using a lot of ‘Dark’ words. I know that’s the name of the Darkness but it’s a word that we all know as evil. A cliche even. ‘stay clear of the Dark, Elder.’ ‘be safe in the light, healer.' it just comes off again as too much. and forced.

what stuck out for me is the son of Darkness part. it is the most powerful part in these first four chapters. I REALLY enjoyed what I could of it . . . meaning there are a lot of things you should take a look at to get the most out of the scene. Because of this part I liked the chapter. if it wasn’t in there, I would have stopped reading. There was just too much description and chaos. :/ I didn’t know what was happening. It felt like a mess.

I also wished you talk a bit more on this SON of the Darkness. It’s like you run into GOD and then say hi to him and then carry on with the rest of the story. I want to know a bit more about God.

This chapter has huge potential. :) So you know it’s been about ten minutes after I read this chapter and i’m STILL thinking about the tone and presence of that creature. :) I rarely think about something that happened in an Authonomy book after I read it. If the scene wasn’t in there and I was an agent or publisher, I would have given up on the book. This is the reason why i’m going to move on to chapter 5 without taking a days break. just maybe I will get to read another part just as powerful as the one i just read.

CHAPTER 5
Love the opening. It’s good to come back to earth. Every word (except ‘methodically’. delete it) in that first paragraph was right on. I was able to connect with Vanora. I wanted what she wanted which was being away from the chaos and back to normal life. PERFECT start for a chapter after one that was packed with action.

Not a fan of the word sweetling.

When Ophelia tells Vanora to go to Queen Faylinn, I was hoping for a sign reaction by Vanora. She has just been through a lot. If it was me, i would have had some kind of response or at least think to myself that Ophelia must be crazy, I need to rest. I just got done saving hundreds of people and killing off the devil :) . But Vanora didn’t react at all and just stoood up and did what she was told. All you need is at most two sentences of how she would react. unless that’s how you want her to react?

I like the description of Vanora walking through the forest.

When he says ‘run’, I thought it was too convenient that he told her beforehand that he might have to tell her to run.

Love the image of the trees around her being bigger or her being smaller. Perfect description.

It felt a bit long for her to meet Queen Faylinn. shorten her trip there. again, the description is a bit much. I noticed that it is good sometimes and bad other times. I think you have to find out what is driving the reader to read on. here it’s meeting the queen. So get to her as fast as possible.
You ever think about giving Darkness a new name? I think it would be perfect timing here when Vanora is talking to the queen that she is told of its real name. and the queen knowing it makes sense. she seems wise enough.

when you say creature of the Darkness, do you mean its child? or do you mean the Darkness is a place and that’s where the creature is from? Or is it what I have been thinking it is the whole time that it’s a creature, too? Just read on and see that its a place. right? I’m still a bit confused on this because the whole time I have been thinking it was a creature. It’s very important that you clarify this. Because a reader will feel lost like I do a bit right now.

Read the paragraph ‘This is grave news. my powers have . . .’ ‘Dark’ or Darkness comes up way too much. That’s why I’m not a fan of Darkness.

I feel like everything is so planned out. The queen doesn’t really have anything to say about Vanora trying to save the world from the darkness. It’s like ‘oh, you want to save the world? Just go here and do this and there you go.’ Even though the queen knows why she is here it just seems all formulaic.

Towards the end of the conversation it felt long. maybe try to trim a bit of the ending.

What you have going for you in this chapter is the meeting of the queen which I wish had a bit more to her.

I just read through chapter 7 as requested and I think it's fantastic. It took me a bit to catch up as I had not read it from the beginning, but I think I caught on to the general idea and I like it. I have two suggestions. The first is a bit general but in some places the description seems a bit over done. It is written beautifully, but at times I found myself distracted from the story. The othe is the fight scene where Ophelia interjects instruction. I found this odd and unnatural. I get what you were trying to do, but I think it would go much better if the instruction were woven into the action description. Just my opinion though. Also I just had to take a peek at chapter one and...wow. I love your first paragraph. What a grabber. Thanks for the read. I think your a great writer and I really enjoyed it. Definitely giving this one lots and lots of stars.

This is a BHCG review. What a charming story! I love the different take on healers being able to take a life to spare pain.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
This is about defeating a Darkness that will eat people’s souls and the growth of a Princess into a Healer. Vanora passes a significant step on her eighteenth birthday, but is already being tested. There is a great deal about her father not loving her and her resentment at this. Perhaps tone it down a tad, as she starts to come across as a tad bitter.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
The backstory was about right. I got to know the history of the Healers and how they all had to have royal blood and how they all killed their mother at birth. Would this mean joining with the royal family was not a sought after position?

Characters/Characterization
Vanora is well shown and she is contrasted by Ophelia. The king is more of a background figure, as is Oscar, but the story isn’t going to be about them so there are also rans.

Point of View/Voice
POV slip. In chapter three the story is in Vanora’s POV, except for the bit where she does not notice a pair of orange eyes watching her from a corner of the room.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Maybe vary the sentence lengths so that there are longer sentences for the quiet scenes and short, sharp sentences for the action/high drama moments.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
Try to avoid using ‘she felt’ and ‘she was feeling’. This is telling and not showing. There are also a goodly number of sentences starting with She.
Sword-fought . Waist-length. These are words needing to be joined. There are quite a few needing a hypen.

Dialogue
Good. There was a nice difference in the voices of the speakers.

Thanks for sharing. This read made for an interesting morning.

What a wonderful fantasy story. I've read the first three chapters and I know I will keep on reading. Your use of visual imagery and sensory details brings the fantasy world to life, and I love that. Your pacing is perfect, as is your characterizations. You give the right amount of backstory, thoughts, and internal monologue to let me really know Vanora. Great job!
Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

DARKNESS OF GOLD
This is an entertaining story. I like the way you begin this by explaining what healers can do and then reveal Vanora is a dormant healer. It makes her an interesting character because a reader can imagine how she’s going to use that mind reading and ability to produce fire as this story unfolds. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

THE DARKNESS OF GOLD by K.R. Slifer

CHAPTER 1
Very good opening. Thoughts that came to me while I read it was why was Vanora leaving the castle? Why was she faltering out? Was she running away from something. It is late at night so maybe. You have great description and the ability to give the reader a good image of what they are reading. I would think about getting rid of ‘to her left’ because that sentence seems a bit wordy unless she MUST be going along the castle.

And right in the second paragraph you explain why she is going out at this time of the night. good. And you give a VERY nice pull with not just your easy to read writing style and description but Vanora is going to be some kind of Healer. I’m interested in what this Healer is and what Recognition is. So after two paragraphs I am intrigued already.

“Every day, she would sit . . .” I would think about putting in Vanora because it’s a new paragraph and you don’t want the reader second guessing for even just a second, even though they can pick that up when you mention Vanora sits with Ophelia every day. I would read through your whole story and check in the beginning of each paragraph to see if you use “she” and replace it with the character’s name unless there is only one character you are talking about at the time. This case there is two: Vanora and Ophelia. So I rather you put in the name. But it’s all up to you. These are just one opinion.

“ . . . she could sense, as her teacher raised her hands, that Ophelia was about to attack.” everything seems correct here, but I had to reread this sentence three times because ‘her teacher’ is ‘Ophelia’ and just the way it was written makes you stop and say aren’t those the same people. Take a look at this to see if it’s okay.

“The older woman walked towards her . . .” Be careful of describing the woman like this. I rather you do it from the start or not do it when it should be her name instead. This is because we know Ophelia already and you should’t have to say older woman. Just say: “Ophelia walked towards her. You can always describe her otherways like you have been doing. ex. “putting her wrinkly arms on top of Vanora’s. small things like this will make us know that Ophelia is old. But this is just an example.

You want Ophelia to forget the ‘it’ in “Now, I think, is time for me . . .”?

“curly brown hair” I don’t think you need to describe her hair again. You told us earlier that she has curly brown hair. you can say curly hair or brown hair but you don’t need both. So either describe her hair now or keep what you have earlier and change it here.

Since Ophelia said Vanora’s powers have awakened does that mean Vanora is eighteen? Oh, guess she is since Ophelia said happy birthday. :)

“wrapping her in soft warmth and . . .” comma before the ‘and’

I like your first chapter. Your talent lies in setting a scene and not being all over the place. What’s pulling me to read further is still this Recognition day tomorrow. I try not to read pitches or summaries because they just give away too much and I like to learn as I read not ahead of time. But I did read your pitch and summary beforehand which helped a little with wanting to read more, too. Oh, and I just gave you six stars.

I know you said you rather me start on later chapters since the first five have already been dealt with a lot but I can’t go into a later chapter and start reading. I hate not know what happened before it. Plus, you read things differently if you don’t know any background. I hope that’s okay that i’m starting from the beginning.

CHAPTER 2
I think Ophelia should die in chapter 1. Don’t laugh or hate me. That idea just popped in my head while reading your WONDERFUL beginning of chapter 2. Ophelia probably has greater meaning later on so you can’t kill her but I just wanted to bring this up. I like to tell you some of my thoughts while I read so there is one. :) Why I say this? Because it gives Vanora a sense of adventure coming up and she must do it ALONE. She has lost her teacher so everything she does now must come from her or what she had learned. However, it could still work like that if we don’t see Ophelia again. BUT lol seeing Ophelia again would be good. Again, don’t worry about what I just wrote. Just reading you my thoughts.

Love the line/idea that she was eighteen and still needed a mother to make her feel better. Also, get rid of the comma in that sentence. Not needed and the second ‘she’.

I’m happy to see Ophelia again. :) But kill her. lol. She got’s to go. P.S. don’t listen to my thoughts talking out loud.

“your Majesty, Ladies and Gentlemen . . .” like this part. Speech vocab can really bring depth into a scene.

You might want to cut down on the description at the meeting. Just a tad. This is a VERY good part and some of the description seems a bit much. however, it’s good. But too much good sometimes isn’t good.

I love this chapter. Besides at time the description is a bit much it was really good. I love your writing and the story that is unfolding. Vanora is a good main character. Can’t wait to read more.

Hi there!

So I read 8. Hmmm. You have me wondering about this Ophelia appearance. Very interesting!

Over all, the chapter was good. I may just be tired tonight, but I found the reading a little long, though. Maybe it's because there is not too much happening in the chapter, as Vanora is mostly reacting to her grief and dealing with Zane's wound. There were also a few times when I felt you could whittle down some of your descriptions. They are always very good but seemed a little wordy in this chapter.

“You were almost killed...” The dialogue here seemed a little forced.

“Like shards of glass within her heart...” I didn't get how that image related to her chest feeling like it was tightening.

I also wondered at the wisdom of the two of them trying to walk when Zane is so sick. I kept thinking they should have sacrificed some time in order for him to be healthier before starting out, or that she might have tried to heal him some more before they set out the first time. Also, I thought it would make more sense if they did have a fire, especially since Zane is sick and it's winter. They might freeze to death, otherwise.

I noticed you use “stubborn” at least three times to describe Zane, twice in the same paragraph.

Also, I am not sure I get the movement from Vanora being so shy and nervous around him to being amused by the effect her behaviour (hugging him) may have had on him. I would have thought she would still feel a little mortified instead.

Sorry if these comments sound rushed. It's because I am! But if there is anything here you want to discuss more, just let me know. Be glad to when the kids aren't hanging off my arm. :)

Dyane

Yarg review: A short review I'm afraid as I'm feeling under the weather but will come back to it later. I loved the visual imagery especially the way she traced the top of the grass with her fingertips. Some stories don't take you into the setting but yours did. At the end - I wonder if it shouldn't say, 'as she closed her eyes. I did feel that the story of how her Mum died could have been woven in a bit more - it felt a little forced. However, you are a true wordsmith and I promised I will get to chapter two as soon as. (Loved the names and they really define the characters.

Hi,
A YARG review.
I think you have the makings of a nice fantasy story here. You certainly have all the right elements, interesting characters a land in trouble and an unlikely heroine.
I read the first chapter and have some suggestions you might find helpful.
I saw on your profile page you wanted some suggestions with the pitch. I've had heaps of trouble with mine as well, they are not easy to write. I've offered up a suggestion for how you might change it, but if its not what your after, feel free to ignore.
Hope some of the comments are useful,
and best of luck with your writing,
Cheers Jacoba

Long Pitch:
Venora wakes up on her eighteenth birthday. The day of her Recognition. The day she needs to prove her worth and prove she is powerful enough to be the next Healer in her Father's Kingdom.
But destiny has other plans.
The Darkness--the Antithesis of Life--has been unleashed, thrusting Vanora into the life of a Healer. Unprepared and afraid, she must leave her home and travel across the land. Her companion, a royal Faerie named Zane.
Together with her spirit animal Thea, they must suffer true loss, battling the minions of Darkness and struggle with their denied feelings of the heart.
No matter what the cost, Vanora must save the kingdom and defeat the creator of the Darkness... no matter who it turns out to be.

Chapter one
I'd say muggy climate...
..grain of knowledge Ophelia had ( take out that) ( there are quite a few more you might want to get rid of, if you do a search in word and highlight. See how it reads without a that)
...her twin brother, Oscar, practised his sword fighting and... ( needed clarity)

loved her mother deeply ( better adjective than enormously)
Watch for repetitive words, as in this sentence: ...of the Healer's eighteenth birthday, the power must be awakened for the Healer to become a true Healer.

I was a bit confused with this sentence, did you mean: "Only if I allow you to and if you want me to listen to your thoughts."

Darkness of Gold...I think the premise of the novel is very intersting, which initially grabbed my attention. Chapter 1 starts off quite slow though. Perhaps think of adding something to hook the reader into wanting more right off the start. Even starting the conversation with Ophelia a bit sooner. When the action did get going, it was well described and you used great visual imagery. I was a little confused when determining Vanora's character. At one point she is described as being jealous of her brother and craving action and excitement, but once the action begins, she is fearful and nervous. From your initial descriptions I thought she would be more adventurous and eager to become a healer.
Best of Luck with this :)
Brittanee
- Sinful

Hi!

A very interesting chapter. I am eager to see how things turn out with Zane since he seems to be in love with his Queen. And to see how he heals since the wound is so nasty. The action was good and well described, and as usual, the descriptions are well done.

I noticed a few things:
Opehlia asks Vanora, 'how did it go?' It sounded a little modern for this story.

'by the creator?' I assume you mean the creator of the darkness, but maybe you should specify cuz it made me stop and think about it.

'should would not allow her brother to be hurt.' 'Should' should probably be 'she' but I think the whole sentence could be cut. It's not necessary and the sentence seems better without it.

'this is part of people a healer.' There's a mistake in there somewhere.

I'll head on to the other chapters when I can.

Take care!

Dyane

The silver pool is just fascinating. I am wondering what it really does. "Vanora let her eyes drift to his face for a moment, feeling strange in the silence." I like this, but it is sort of awkward to read over. Still great style and pacing. I feel as if I can get into this a lot sooner then in the beginning. Great work.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

YARG REVIEW: THE DARKNESS OF GOLD

Hello there,

Here is my portion of our first chapter read swap. You’ll notice I don’t comment over grammar, I think that other authonomites are better qualified than me to help in that area. I mainly comment as a reader and give my thoughts as I move through the manuscript. That being said, whatever I say take with a grain of salt. If something seems to be not quite right, just pitch it. I think too many times writers let these comments override their own intuition about the story. Only YOU know best about where this is going. Okay, on to your first chapter!

CH 1-

I’m going to preface this with a brief comment about your short pitch and long pitch. I thought they both worked well, but could possibly be tightened up a little. I was a little wary when I saw there was going to be a spirit animal. But, I promise to try and keep an open mind to the idea of an animal as a main character. ☺

You are great at imagery, the sea of grass, the way the wind feels, I can see the scene unfolding in front of me. I would have liked to see the interaction with Ophelia to start a little sooner though. Also, pay attention to how much you mention Vanora “gnawing her lip.” I think you’ll be surprised by how many times you mention this. I would consider using another method to show her anxiety or nerves or whichever emotion you are trying to convey.

I like the use of eye color to denote a difference between a regular person and a Healer. I use the same method in my book, but the eyes are silver and not gray. ☺ I like the idea of yellow eyes though and that Vanora’s are golden.

I am giving you high stars for a creative idea that kept me wanting to read more. I will continue on to your second chapter as time permits. Check out the Young Author Reading Group, if you are ever looking for a great crit group. I think you’d be a great addition! I know I’ve received some valuable reviews and insights from members of that group. You can find us under the forums.

Happy writing!

Ashley
“Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket”

Great opening to chapter 4. You continue to provided great details for the readers. I was a little curious to why the first few lines of dialogue were in italics. I wasn't sure if it was an urgency response or something like that."The Darkness" is very intriguing. And I like the dark aspect it creates for you book. I like how the longer the reader progresses into your book their curiosity. It just keeps getting better and better.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Very well written and an interesting plot is here.
You have a beautiful style of writing to make your scenes vivid to the reader's imagination.
It flows very well and moves a an easy pace.

Bria Heart <3

Hi Kat,
This is a much better start. I like the way V is a little bit familiar with her power, now. The jump has the feel of a completion, rather than a bolt out of the blue. You've created a likeable and much more plausible MC.

Here are some notes I made as I read. I noticed v few typing errors btw, which is an achievement in itself :)
Chpt 1 hard instead of hand
Lots of prose & internal monologue. Be careful of this.
Chpt 2 odd that she does not wish her brother happy birthday
Chpt 3 "..speak with the noblemen and alter them to the situation.” Do you mean alert? Only one healer - you said there were others who understood her guilt.  What do the others with the same gift do?
Chpt 4 why is she travelling alone? Surely she should have a guide or companion? This would also free up your narrative voice a bit, if she can talk, question & explain to fellow traveler. Limits to her power? In chpt one you talk of healers burning out at birth. Does she have to be careful?
Chpt 5 Can you use a few more synonyms for abdomen?
"Her connection with Ophelia was closed due to her own block and due to the power of the faeries" - why would V block the connection?

You write smoothly and your dialogue is good.
I enjoyed this.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Hi KR

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Hi, there!

Just dropped by to look at chapter 6. More fairy stuff! I like that a lot. :)

A couple of questions came to mind as I read. It might be that since it's been a few days since I read the earlier chapters, that might explain why I am confused about stuff. If that's the case, please ignore. :)

Why do the trees tell prophesies? It's a totally new idea, and a very interesting one, but without background to explain how this came to be, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. And how does it work? Do they speak through the rustling of the leaves, or is there a ceremony that the Queen has to undertake?

I noticed that the phrase, “She felt two tiny feet...in the palm of her hand,” came up twice in the same paragraph.

The phrase “power in her abdomen,” is used over and over throughout the story. I am not sure what other way you could get around it, though.

I am not quite sure what is happening to her while she is waiting for the animal guide. “Incomplete part of her power,” was a little confusing since I thought her power was complete after she passed the test with Ophelia. “Her mind trying to come to the surface” also confused me a little since I hadn't understood that she was 'out of it'. Is she being attacked by birds and why? Perhaps you should describe in advance what she has to do to call the animal guide, so we know what to expect? Or maybe the experience of it needs to be better defined? Also, I am not sure what the purpose of the animal guide is. Maybe you could take a line or two to explain why she needs one (if you haven't already).

“simple exist with one another'' should be “simply”.

I hope these comments make sense. It's late, lol. But if you have any comments or questions about anything I wrote, just let me know. :)

Take care,
Dyane

I like your character's name a lot and your writing is very nice and smooth as I continue into the other chapters. I did find a hold up in the beginning of chapter two when you were describing the sun rise, only because it felt dragged out. But then you pick it up again when the maid arrives. Just a small note. Your writing is easy to follow, it is sort of like being in a tranquil state of mind. It's calming. You have some great details throughout and it is coming along nicely. I like the idea of the spirit animal, it's interesting, along with the line "The kitchen cat?" It adds some humor. Overall the first 3 chapters are interesting.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

"When a plague threatens to destroy all life, can one girl risk everything to save the kingdom?" Great short pitch that captures the reader's attention. I love your detail and how you introduce the story to the reader. It seems you have found ways to really create detail without all the adverbs, which is nice to read because it is smooth. I do think that if you cut some of the paragraphs down and created a more textured style throughout with long and short sentences and paragraphs would really help with keeping the reader reading. Only because the long paragraphs can be intimidating. Then again it i your style and voice that really add to the story. I think you have a good idea starting and a great way of presenting it. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

I like the explanation of the Ligroth very much. Yay! Something new and cool to add to a fantasy story, which is hard to do since 'everything' has been done already. :)

Just a question: The fairy queen says 'the trees have told' her that it is the adviser's destiny to help Vanora. You might have to describe the significance of these trees because right now this information comes out of nowhere and seems a little too convenient. Just a thought.

But I like the modification. Nice!

Backed The Darkness of Gold. I was drawn into the story because you did an excellent job with description. I am not a writer. I am on the site to read good books. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Kat51

Okay, so I have read chapters 4 and 5!

Chapter 4: I really like the changes. I like having Ophelia in her head from the beginning when she wakes up and also guiding her along the way and during the battle. Very nice. I was a little confused, though, because at the end of chapter 3, it's not really clear that she had fallen asleep and then awoke. Perhaps you could add, “WHEN she opened her eyes again...” so that we understand that she passed out and woke up some time later. Then when Ophelia yells at her to wake up in chapter 4, the flow of events is clearer.

During the battle with the cayden, I really wanted to know what happened to him. Was he disintegrated? Melted into a disgusting puddle on the ground? What happened?

A point of clarity: In the test of Recognition, the man was unable to be healed because of the effect of the Darkness. So how come Vanora can heal the people in the village? Is it because the cayden is gone and now the power of the Darkness has released them? Or can she only heal mortal wounds like broken bones but the mystical aspect of the darkness (the 'cancer' like symptoms) cannot be? You might just want to clarify that.

Point of clarification: she thinks Oscar is away on a trip, but didn't we learn earlier on that he might be sick? Wouldn't he be at the castle, then? Or maybe I'M just confused. lol

Point of clarification: the fairy queen was not aware the Darkness had reached so far, yet the Adviser must have had to deal with it on his way out to meet Vanora and they had to deal with it to get back to fairy land. It just seems weird that this wise queen would be so in the dark. And I think you might want to ramp up her mystique. I wanted her to be like Galadriel, wise, beautiful but also powerful, even if the power is diminishing. But maybe that's just me?

Why would Vanora refuse the help of a fairy? She's been in awe of them her whole life, and now that she's with them, she seems indifferent to them. Also, she always complained about being alone and ill equipped on the mission. Now she has the chance to benefit from the wisdom and knowledge and experience of the Adviser, as well as gain some added protection. Doesn't seem to make sense to me. If he's pompous, she should just grin and bear it, lol.

The queen says not to tarry too long in the cave since “time will run out.” Time for what? Does she have a sense of how much time the world has before the darkness consumes everything? If so, that would be an important point to mention, and it makes the queen more important a figure.

“she did not want the company of a man who would obviously be good company.” I think there must be an error in here, since it doesn't make sense that she would refuse the help of a 'good' man.

“she it her lip,” should be “bit”.

I think chapter 5 is alright. IMO, it just needs some work to better define the roles and motivations of the characters, and the points I found confusing. But the bones are there. :)

Dyane

Hey,

So I read chapter 2 and 3. I really like the modifications, especially the ones to chapter 3. The whole discussion with Vanora, the King and Ophelia makes a lot more sense now. It still seems as thought she accepts the mission a little too easily, on the other hand, does she really have a choice? Some people, though, might have an issue about that.
In chapter 2, I noticed a few errors in the second paragraph: “Part of her...” is used twice very close to one another.
“Pack her back...” should be “pack”. Then she visualizes herself packing her pack a sentence later. Just seems a little repetitive.

So far so good! I'll move on to chapter 4 when I get a chance.

Dyane

This is a very nice read, and I like the concept. I would suggest to remove the prologue, as other commenters have. It feels like it overexplains, and cutting it could increase the mysteriousness a little. There is a lot of background info early on which could also be kept for later to draw the reader into action a little sooner.

I have a hard time grasping Vanora's personality. I like how she keeps biting her lips, that says more than the comments about her fear and insecurity. But that could just be me. I love the way you describe things, very poetic and I can see the surroundings clearly in my head. I've only read to chapter 5, so bear that in mind, but I will be back for more!

/Hege - The Silver Bell

Good pitch, but avoid rhetorical questions, especially avoid emphasising them with 'The question is:'

Not sure what you mean by 'and the confusing feelings of her heart'. It's repetition of 'heart', and she already has 'dread in her heart', so what is making it 'confused'? That bit doesn't work, so probably best to delete it.

All the best with it.

Hi Kat. As promised, I have read all your chapters, even though this genre is not the kind I would usually choose to read - something about your appeal on your forum thread must have touched my stony old heart - so here goes with my thoughts.
You don't need a prologue. The reader needs to be plunged straight into your world [which you create so well, we get it, we learn things as we go along, so we don't need explanations] and the dilemmas and adventures of your heroine.
Your main character, intriguingly poised between puberty and adulthood - a great and pregnant time for her. From the outset, I felt I wanted Vanora to fight way more against the fate that seemed to be mapped out for her. She accepts so much - her healing powers, her initiation test, her lifelong celibacy - I really wanted her to rebel even against her kind and motherly teacher, and refuse to be a healer until the power of it came overwhelmingly to her - even then, I would like her to struggle more, with the idea of celibacy and the lack of love from her father. And then, when the threat of the Darkness is introduced, she is told she must go and her father lets her! How about if he says she is not ready, she has NOT passed the test, and she escapes from her room, disobeys him and leaves, maybe with Ophelia's secret help and encouragement [so that when Ophelia dies later on, Venora feels truly alone, not even sure how she will be received if she gets back to her father]. I'd also like her relationship with her brother to have been more complex, so that when he dies, it really means the end of something important - as it is, it reads like fate decreed it, it happened, and it hasn't really affected Venora - but surely all the losses and griefs in her life are part of what give her her power? And her travelling companions - sorry, but she should really dislike or even hate Zane when he is ordered to accompany her. Likewise, when they find out that Orion is not trustworthy, it's too easy that he drops out of the party - think what Tolkien would do with this situation - Orion would have something vital they could not manage without, but he would be a weak link, needing to be watched, and we as readers wouldn't know right till the end if he was going to rescue Venora or betray her.. keep the reader guessing!
The healing - I have a problem with the way it's sometimes used. Powers are fine, but it's too easy for Vanora to 'feel' with her power that people are ok or not. How about if she has to use her human powers of intuition [and they may not always get it right]? And when she uses her power to heal, there has to be a balancing loss somewhere, same with Thea, you can't give all that energy and not have to pay a price somehow.
chapter 16 - if she has already established herself as a rebel and a feisty, sensual young woman, this chapter could be full of fizz as she realises she is really falling for Zane. As it is, she seems too passive. It's a perennial problem when writing a 'good' character, not to make her do what she is told by the other 'good' characters all the time. She needs to make mistakes through her CHOICES of courses of action, some of which will be successful, some not. So the 'romance' could be a lot more troublesome to her, and to Zane [does he dislike her at the beginning? when do his feelings change? we need some hints].

Hope this is helpful.

Kat, 
Here are my comments to Authonomy chapter 5.
Generally, I think you have a great thing going, but I think you can do a lot more with this. Chapter five goes too fast for my taste. I think there should be an entire chapter devoted to the village, and a different chapter to the encounter with the faery. As it is, it comes across as a bit rushed.
I still have the issue that I don't feel set up enough to understand why Venora, a novice, is sent into this dangerous world. This issue is covered by my comments to the first few chapters. Here, when the first struggle arises, my concerns are redoubled.  In classic fantasy, the young MC is unsure of his or her powers and needs a mentor to guide her.  Also, the MC tends to have huge setbacks at the beginning, so as to show the development of her powers.  I am not saying that you need to follow this formula, but it is thee for a reason.  You have chosen to make Venora be alone, but you have Ophelia in her head. I would suggest that you have Ophelia intervene more in these first encounters.
 You have fabulous ambiance. I want you to slow down and delve in it. If you could start healing first, and have Verona struggle (and perhaps fail in some cases) before her battle, that would make the scene fuller.
The battle scene moved me both ways. On the one hand, it was eerie and exciting. On the other, it was very short and easy.  Again, I would want you to slow down here, make her struggle more, make the help of Ophelia more necessary- after all,  Verona will be more compelling if she is vulnerable. This seems a very powerful foe for a healer on her first mission. 
Regarding the overnighter, If you chose to spend the evening, you will need to describe more- otherwise it becomes rushed. She must have at least one meal; take advantage of the opportunity to describe the village, the food, the architecture... Ambiance is very important. You develop this a lot in the palace, but here you shy away.  And why not have a conversation with Jerim and find out something important, or about how ravaged the village was?
The walk and encounter with the faery, again, I think should be a separate chapter. You make it seem a very short walk because you put it in the same chapter with the village scene. The reverie helps, but if you want it to seem far away, I suggest she spend a night on the way before she meets the faery. 
Finally, I think your description of the faery is good, but, again, too rusgphed. I would rather you take your time introducing me to this character and her feelings about him. 
Again, I think you have a great thing going. I just want to enjoy it a bit more luxuriously. 


My comments as I read:

Great start, very menacing and exciting tone. 
This encounter is a bit fairy tale-like. Is this what you want? I would want you to spend more time describing the village and then more time with the figure before he starts fighting her. 
Hm. I think this is both too threatening and too easy for a first encounter.  I still feel we have not been made to feel that Venora is equipped to handle this fight. 
You are going too fast. You need to slow down for me. 
I would want a new chapter for this part. 
She does not feel it has reached this part of the kingdom, but she just came from a village that has been attacked.

More soon,
Best,
Maeve

This is so well done. It’s clear you’ve been working on this a very long time. As I read the first words I was captivated by how solid it was, and the skillful landscape you painted around Aila and the prophecy.

Another thing I like about it is that it’s so youthful and fresh. Somehow it makes me feel young, probably because Vanora’s pov is so realistic of a girl her age.

You use a lot of sensory images, too. You’re very good at showing your reader the world filtered through Vanora’s eyes and experiences. I’m halfway through the third chapter (ch 4 authonomy) and I’m endeared to her. Even being a princess doesn’t exempt her from a painful life.


I’ve never been published, but from the things I’ve gleaned on this site, I’d love to pass on a few pointers to you, if that’s alright? I was always so grateful to get advice like this, and I hope it helps you as much as it did me!

I noticed a few times that sometimes a few sentences (2 or 3, generally) could maybe be condensed into a more direct statement. (A good example of this is the time when Vanora is attempting to heal the man.) Also, if you were to consider possibly breaking some of the longer paragraphs, they would have a greater impact. This is prosaic so you could even get away with paragraphs of one or two sentences. ^_^

~These are just thoughts that welled up~

“A twisting anxiety in her stomach replaced the tingling shock in her fingers as Vanora looked to her teacher and saw fear clear on Ophelia’s face. Ophelia’s brown eyes moved to Vanora before looking back to King Gideon. A knot was forming in Vanora’s stomach, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what Ophelia had to say.”

A ) This is a crucial moment of the story, in which the mystery is revealed and the plot advances, so you want everything in this area to have the biggest punch possible.

B ) You mention stomach twice…I do that kind of thing all the time and sometimes don’t catch it until my third or fourth pass! What if you were to mention other physical reactions to fear, like a pounding heart or sharper hearing?

C ) It’s so weird how a lot of description can actually make things seem fuzzy. (This is a lesson I recently learned, myself.)

What if you were to try something like this?

“Vanora had witnessed many unspeakable wounds and illnesses with her teacher, so it was a shock to see Ophelia’s face so pale, her brown eyes so brimmed with fear as they landed on King Gideon. A knot of dread curdled Vanora’s stomach like milk and vinegar, and her pulse pounded in her palms, which were cold with sudden sweat.
“Ophelia was preparing to speak. Vanora wasn’t sure she wanted to hear.”

I *love* the poetry of the sunrise.

I have every intention of reading this all the way through. The Darkness plague is creepy, Vanora has her hands full, and I really want to know where this goes.

High stars! And I'm shelving it, because I believe in it. This is rich with potential.
Hana Bathir
Sea of Jasmine