Guardians of Astonia

Hello

This is a really interesting piece. There are so many different types of fantasy and reading different kinds helps build one's own background to write it. I think you've done an excellent job in protraying your characters and building your scenes. The descriptions are well-thought out and do not bog down the piece. It is obvious you have taken time with this and have worked on it long and hard. I really don't have anything to nit at all. The sentence structures are strong and the narrator's voice is carried in a way that pulls the reader in wanting more of the story. I liked the back lay of the forest. I use the forest alot in my stories too. So many things can happen there.

Anyhow, I liked this and when I have room on my shelf, I will back it.
Thanks for sharing.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

{Guardians of Astonia} – Mike LeBlanc
Prologue:
What a beautiful opening! Some vivid images and you develop the foundations for your story nicely with a mixture of description, thought and dialogue. Background information is nicely infused into the present action.

Some lovely, thought provoking sentences I particularly enjoyed “We just have to believe. We’ve spent our lives in bondage, but we didn’t even know it.” --- “A thought is perfect, a heart is everlasting, a hand is neither, but it tries.”

Although this has been labelled ‘Young Adult’, I sense that this book will appeal to a large audience range, because of its deeper undercurrents.

All the best, I look forward to seeing how the plot unfurls :)
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Michael, I have to agree with some of the comments below. Fantastic writing and so well thought out. Tjis must have taken an age to plan before the writing actually started. I was hooked to this at an early stage and although way off my cup of tea, I can see so many readers diving straight into this and swimming in it for a long time to come. its so good to see,. Well done and loved it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

You have all the elements of a heroic fantasy in line here. I'm not sure your prologue is such, I think it is a chapter. Mechanically, you lean heavily on summary rather than scene. I would like to see you delve deeper into scene work, really allowing the action to tell the story. I want to see the actual inciting incident that drove Alder to the mountains rather than being told. I think its a great start and enjoyed what I read. I look forward to reading on.

Terry Madde--Three Wells of the Sea

Hi there, as per my previous message about Torontonians sticking together... here is my input so far:
The first two sentences in P3 - "You never would have guessed it.... " to me, this seems out of place, The story is written really well in third person, throwing in a "You" as if talking to the reader almost takes away from the fictional world within which you write.

"at night he slept upon the path, his arms dangled freely down each side" - at this point, i believe the path is still several feet wide, i don't think his arms would dangle freely down each side, unless Aireddan is also several feet wide... which would be a cool spin, but from the first paragraph i gathered he was only average.

right after that sentence is one that says "Lifting himself from spot he'd been sleeping" - missing the word "the"
the next paragraph "very near the peak..." - i think the entire paragraph consists of too many "the path" - those two words alone appear 3 times in the first sentence.

anyways, these are just my thoughts on the story so far and it's really only nit-picking... i don't suggest any substantial changes. i really did enjoy it and i look forward to reading more about being a Hytan. it is wonderfully written, which is a feat in itself... fantasy worlds are not easy for everyone to get sucked into ... but i was hooked

Jaclyn
It Never Happened

Hello, Michael

I read your prolgue and I found it to be fantastically worded. A line that really stuck out to me was:

"Like a subtle wind at his back, some mystic force seemed to push him forward to the wickedness of wild Astonia."

Excellent writing, very true to the genre. I really like your style and the flow of your words. It's as if the style is an unnamed character woven through the story. Beautiful, truly.

The only criticism I have is that I think you are doing what's called "info dumping" a -lot- in the prologue. I understand that your story is complex with many factors all which need to be brought to light for the reader, but readers (and publishers from what I understand) like to discover a story rather than having it all told to them up front. I like when you switch to more action a few paragraphs in because that's where I felt like the story began. I don't think the first few backstory paragraphs are necessary. If the info is vital to the story, weave it in here and there with inner monologue, dialogue or SHOW the character through action, don't tell us he was "utterly void of inspiration and spirit" highlight a conversation or action sequence in which these qualities become apparent to the reader. (just an example, not that line specificaly necessarily)

I have quite a bit of book swap reading and commenting to catch up on so I can't read more at this time, but I will be ranking you 6 stars and adding your book to my shelf. Kudos for coming up with such an intricate and complex idea, setting and character. :)

CGarrett
Land of the Leprechauns

First of all, I really like the way you opened the story - your character description (for me) was spot on.
I was particularly interested to see how your prologue fit as I've put one at the biginning of my latest and didn't know if I'd done right or wrong. Yours certainly works very well, and I'm quite a fan of this genre.
Your writing flows beautifully and captures the reader's imagination. I didn't notice any typos or bits of language that was clumsy. It reads like a published piece.
Very good luck with this.
Mike
Way Back To Devil's Mountain

Hi Michael,
So far I've read to the end of chapter 10 of 'Gurdians of Astonia' and will comment in full once I've finished. Given the intriguing nature of your work, I want to make preliminary comments right now, as a fellow fantasy writer and fantasy reader! I have particuarly enjoyed how your characters unravel as the story progresses, with your protagonist's backstory and role being carefully rolled out over the course of the narrative. Your desription of setting is vivid, though I think you could have introduced a few more simple sentences, rather than relying on compound and complex sentences so often (says the one who is constantly telling himself the same thing). Simple sentences create tension (note to self at the same time!) Your dialogue is easy to follow and flows smoothly.

If I were to give one negative (in the interest of balance), I would recommend that you update your long pitch, as it seems tobe more like a synopsis. I always have the word 'blurb' screaming at the back of my mind when I write my own. Other than that, this is a promising piece of fiction and one which I am happy to place on my watchlist. I wish you every success with your work! The literary world needs more fantasy!

Ryan
'The Angel of Prophecy'

Guardians of Astonia

Back for more…

Ch 7

This chapter reminds me of Lyra walking out from the land of the dead. Alder and Ben are leading young Bowen through the dark tunnels towards the Guardian, who is currently chained up and powerless.

I think “outdoors” is unnecessary in the first sentence.
“for your hospitality Merek” needs a comma before “Merek.”
Should Thinkers Guild be Thinkers’ Guild? A guild belonging to/of thinkers?
“Bowens hand” is missing its apostrophe.
“Although he always knew it was temporary..” This is a POV switch into Bowen’s mind, which you might want to avoid. Mostly in this chapter, we’ve been with Alder but you make a switch here and stick with it until after he catches up with Alder. Then we suddenly switch back and it’s not immediately clear in the section, “As the last traces of sunlight faded behind them” who we are with. That’s a nice description, though.
Is the swirling blackness of the Guardian chained up? That’s hard to picture. Or is that why Alder is confused by what he sees?
Instead of ending this chapter with the neat “they were thankful it was over.” it might be good to end it on a cliff-hanger. It wouldn’t lose much if you were to end it just as Alder takes his first look at the Guardian. The reader would be tempted to read on - just what does the Guardian look like down here? Is there going to be danger? Will it be the same as in the first chapter etc.

All good, although I’m pretty worried about our trio now.

Lucy

Hi Michael, I read chapter 7. The thing with fantasy and adventure stories like this, is you can let your imagination run away with you and create a world people don't know about. You have done this and created an easily followed tale that grips you to your seat. Well done, I am not sure its the sort of book that I would buy but I applaud your creative writing skills. Well Done.

Kind Regards
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.
Any chance you can return read my book? Thanks

Hi Michael,
as a writer you do have a distinctive voice.
well done
i am new on this site and loved just coming across your novel.
kindest regards
john life
http://authonomy.com/books/46080/christiania-you-won-my-heart/

Guardians of Astonia

Ch 6

Ben and Alder find some companions in this chapter, and Alder begins to accept his responsibilities.

“Ben’s voice answered stiffly…” Would be simpler as “Ben answered stiffly..”
“He got the sense he didn’t believe him..” Who? It seems as though it ought to be Ben, since you’ve just mentioned him, but it’s actually Alder.
“and looked in wide wonder.” Since this is the second “wide” in the sentence, I’d cut it. Especially since “wide wonder” is a bit unclear.
“multi-coloured books” This is very minor, but is each book multi-coloured or are there numerous books in an array of colours?
“he exited into the same room.” I don’t think you can exit into somewhere. That’s entering.
I like “star-sighted”. No idea what it is but I like it.
“To Alder it sounded preposterous.” could be “It sounded preposterous to Alder.”
“Realising neither Alder nor Ben were satisfied…” is a head-hop into the mind of Merek.
“such as myself.” Should be “such as me.” Myself is reflexive. As it’s in speech, it doesn’t matter so much but it isn’t, strictly speaking, correct I don’t think.
“But are star-sighted..” seems to be missing a word.
“Alder watched as the entire world behind the man’s eyes began to crumble..” Nice!
“what’s coming, do they,” Needs a question mark. And the comma.
“held Alder’s tongue as well.” This sounds as though it’s a question that keeps Alder silent (as in hold your tongue = shut up).
“reliving memories gone by.” “gone by” seems unnecessary. Both reliving and memories make it clear they’ve gone by.
“like the truth’s we’d been sold…” The plural is “truths”.
“Your guess is as good as mine” is something Ben said to Alder earlier. The repetition, especially from a different character, stands out.
“As was their tradition…the four of them..” Two of the four have only been there for a night, so it can’t be a tradition yet.
“especially unique” You can’t put an intensifier with a word like “unique.” A thing is either unique or it isn’t.

By the end of this chapter, I know what star-sighted is, and I really like it. The fake night sky is good too. Both really nice touches.

Lucy

Guardians of Astonia

Another chapter for our swap. Ben has told Alder some rather interesting news, and it seems that Alder’s mother was right - her son was born for something special.

Ch 5

“A gull soared on the breeze, passing his vision…” Nice.
“at least twice the thickness as himself.” This reads awkwardly. I’d go for “at least twice his own thickness.”
“he’d only just remembered.” Needs a capital “H” for “He”.
“Finally, he the pain..” Just a typo.
“he got up to his knees and took and inhaled.” I think the “took” might be left over from a previous version of this sentence.
“the monsters grip” is missing its possessive apostrophe.
I’m uncertain about how big the grolls are. They approach on “dozens of tiny feet” but they are big enough to lift Alder into the air.
“began to feel quiet” Can something feel quiet?
“and Ben took take the lead.” An extra “take” here.

Good stuff, I’ll be back to enjoy more of this story soon.

Lucy

{Guardians of Astonia} – Michael LeBlanc
Chapter 5: New Alliances

An exciting chapter where the true identity of Alder is revealed/explained. Great inner tension as Alder struggles to understand the implications of this, and fights the confusion in his mind… also weighs up whether or not he should believe Ben. You infuse some good background info into the scene too, and I enjoyed your descriptions of the journey approaching the Cities.

Great character development; we see both Alder’s strength and determination to keep going through the forest (though he later exhausts himself). It is also easy for the reader to sympathise with him and the way he is feeling.

One small thing, I felt this line was a little forced ‘Oh no, my poor mother, she kept it from me to protect me.’ Perhaps something like ‘Did Mother keep it from me to protect me?’ could be more natural and questioning? I can’t quite put my finger on it… I do like the internal dialogue though, it’s great to get so intimately connected with Alder!

Cara

*

Detailed notes, hope these are useful as always!

‘spoke a deep voice nearby. The voice carried…’ perhaps just ‘It carried’… as the voice has already been mentioned

Comma; ‘I know, I know, the birds…’

‘at least twice the thickness as himself’ perhaps ‘at least twice as thick as himself’ or ‘at least twice his thickness’

‘enormous connotations’ I’d say ‘implications’ instead of connotations in this instance

‘it reminded him of his childhood’ I’d say ‘which’ instead of ‘it’

*I love this heart beat description; ‘The heart in his chest beat so powerfully now he could feel his body move with each pulse.’

‘Finally, he the pain had reached’ I think remove ‘he’?

Comma and ‘to’; ‘He shifted slightly, causing Ben ::to:: shake his head’

I’d say; ‘He flailed hopelessly, kicking and screaming, his hands trying with all his might to pry the monster’s grip from his throat.’ (also ‘monster’s’)

‘air whistling in his ear’ and next sentence ‘gasped for air’, perhaps reword something to avoid repetition of ‘air’??

I like this line ‘Just a forest everywhere, as typical as could be.’

‘unfiltered fear’ – GREAT!

‘As the scene began to feel quiet again he noticed’ ‘feel quiet’, not sure, feels a little awkward. Perhaps ‘As the scene calmed again, he noticed…’

Fullstop after ‘Ben stepped closer’ as it’s not a dialogue tag

Perhaps ‘like moths to a flame’ instead of ‘fire’, as you’ve just mentioned ‘a fire inside of me makes me special’

Deep thoughts here; ‘no gifts come without consequences, all existence must balance.’ The dialogue here has lots of philosophical undercurrents! Great ideas on suffering too

I think comma, or maybe ‘and’ too? ‘Half way through the fifth day of travel, and rations were in short supply.’

‘Been took take the lead’ remove second ‘take’?

‘He wanted nothing more than to collapse under the strain of it all’ this reads a little ambiguous, because it’s like he wants to collapse under a strain. Perhaps ‘The strain of it all weighed heavily upon him, and he wanted nothing more than to collapse.’

‘despite his aching arms and despite his dehydration’ perhaps ‘despite his aching arms and severe dehydration’ → avoids repetition of ‘despite’ and ‘his’ in sentence

‘lungs burned like fire’ I’d remove ‘like fire’ because there has already been several ‘fire’ references in this chapter

A great ending and I love the description of the Cities!

Guardians of Astonia

Thank you for your latest. Sorry I’m doing such a slow job with yours. The below is mainly fussy, style stuff - I’m finding it hard to spot actual mistakes. I want to leave a properly detailed comment for you and it’s hard with such a smooth MS.

Ch 3

I like the opening sentence of this chapter.
“He relived Waron’s expression as he fell…” Being very fussy, but maybe this needs “seeing” in it. Can you relive someone else’s expression?
“sat across from” Should be “sitting across from.”
“passed the guards” Should be “past the guards”.
“He guessed they were family…” I think you ought to name the guesser here. It’s Alder, isn’t it? Not Waron? Also “knowing what he saw next” doesn’t quite work with “They walked forward.” It’s a bit confusing in terms of who is walking and who is seeing.
“always seemed like something Alder would never fully comprehend.” I’d be tempted to make this stronger. The “seemed” removes some of the feeling from it. So, “was something Alder would never comprehend.” Actually, I’d switch ‘comprehend’ for ‘understand’ because ‘comprehend’ seems like posh for ‘understand‘.
Beware of hedging - I’m terrible for filling prose with maybes, perhaps, probablys and seemed.
“voice speaking out” Unless she is speaking out in a particular way, I’d cut it. If Alder can hear her voice, we know she’s speaking out.
That is quite a description of Waron’s injuries! You have a gift for that sort of thing.
“fall from Warons lips” Just a typo - missing its apostrophe. Also “wiped the tears from her sons face.” I’m sure you know where they go!
I like Alder’s mother. She’s a good, brave character.


Ch 4

There’s a nice pun in this chapter’s title.
I also like the crowd/hurricane simile.
“Lussien’s voice traveled from the adjacent room.” I don’t think you need this. We know it’s Lussien and where he is.
“What if I never see her again, he felt powerless.” I think these need separating from each other - so a capital letter for “He” and a question mark after the thought.
Alder and Lussien’s conversation about going back is revealing.
“sunny July evening” You have created a fantasy world but it has the same months as ours. Seems like a missed opportunity to create some of your own.
“I wonder if there’s any horrible monsters…” If “there’s” is a contraction of “there is” then it doesn’t agree with the plural “horrible monsters.” So ought to be “there are any horrible monsters.”
“Alder fell to the ground with a thud..” I think Waron fell in exactly the same way; with a thud. Better to mix it up a bit?
Another good chapter ending. Alder is a hero, after all. I liked his relationship with Lussien, so I’m hoping at some point to find out what happened to him too.

Lucy

Guardians of Astonia

Thank you very much for your latest comments. You’ve given me some new things to think about.

Ch 2

In this chapter, we’ve moved on seventeen years. I’m glad to see Ben was acknowledged briefly - presumably he’s now an older soldier. That mention helped to link the two chapters.
Alder is plagued by the sound of the bell, which heralds the coming of the Guardians. I like the contrast between a relatively peaceful drink in the bar and the shocking revelation at the end of the chapter. Old Marlot also mentions the sword that drove Aireddan mad - is it the same one as Alder has? You are keeping the plot tight, and that’s especially important in fantasy novels.

Some close crit…

“a suffocating reminder of what was to come.” Suffocation doesn’t quite work with the image of a flood because water doesn’t suffocate, exactly. Also “reminder” might be better as “portent” or similar because it’s about something in the future.

“seventeen hundred ears” This distracted me, trying to work out what half of seventeen hundred is, and therefore what the population must be. I guess maybe it’s prettier than just saying “Eight hundred and fifty people heard it.”

“and carried himself” I’m not sure how one goes about doing that. Also “and he would carry back to his room” seems to be missing a word, possibly, “and he would carry it back to his room.”

Etching with a sword onto an open cupboard door sounds hard. The sword would be long and unwieldy and he’d have to stand at arm’s length from the open door. Hasn’t he got a knife in the kitchen?

It takes a little too long for me to find out whether Lussien is a man or a woman. I couldn’t tell if they were flirting to begin with, since Alder mentioned he might have been getting changed. But presumably not, since they turn out to both be chaps.

“With the sword on it’s mantle…” Should be “its mantle”.

Don’t bar stools always face each other because they are circular?

“He always found something charming about him…” This sounds as though Mr Marlot always finds something charming about Alder and I don’t think you mean it that way round.

Despite my list of crit, I do think this is rather good fantasy and I’m looking forward to finding out where the plot is going.

Lucy

Guardians of Astonia

I’ve read the first chapter, and I will be back for more. The first chapter is an account from Ben, a figure we don’t immediately know much about, but who details a war between the Guardians and his village. I really like this method of storytelling - using what appear to be ‘sources’ to give pieces of information from a different character in another time, separate (presumably) from the rest of the book.

The details like the named swords and the grolls set it apart from other fantasy books I’ve read. The paragraph starting, “I witnessed many horrors that morning..” is especially strong.

I hope that later we learn a little more about Ben (what happened to him, how old he was - that sort of thing) - things that couldn’t possibly be in his own account.

I really like “from a doom it doesn’t believe in.” in your long pitch.

Just some close crit, just to be helpful and especially because you’ve said the MS is still work in progress.

The word “timid” appears in both your pitches and then in your first couple of lines. For me, that’s too close together for a relatively uncommon word.

“involving himself” should be “involving him.” Also in the same sentence “he” should be “him.”

“Amongst his ramblings” Since we know this is a character who goes on ‘walks’, it’s unclear whether “ramblings” refers to his walking or talking. (Rambling being another word for both.)

“That is the Guardians great lie.” should be Guardians’.

“though they did a better job of hiding it.” But from a distance Ben can still see their fear, so the job they’re doing can’t be that good.

“clashed like lightening” should be “lightning.”

Tiriel is described as being like black fog, a “formless shadow.” Later, Tiriel has hard flesh that is “dented and cracked.” These images are hard to reconcile with one another. It’s also unclear whether Tiriel is essentially in human form and these images are just flowery description or if they are more literal.

“..and the weary travelers that were.” This sentence ends too soon, I think.

I’m going to star this highly - it’s a strong opening, and I’m happy to keep reading.

Lucy

{Guardians of Astonia} – Mike LeBlanc
Chapter 4 (autho)

I like the emotion in this chapter when we begin, and also the way you build up Alder’s relationship with his mother through the way he keeps thinking about her. It is very powerful and his thoughts/internal dialogue work well!

Some lovely descriptions of the surroundings, and then you create good atmosphere during the fight to keep the reader hooked. Alder’s courage also shines through, despite his fear, and the chapter ending is a great way to finish. Seeds of mystery and intrigue are sown, great stuff!

I don’t really have advice for cutting in this chapter – it’s great length and all the detail is good. Just given you some nitpicks though that I hope will be useful!

Hope you’re having a fabulous weekend :)
Cara

*

‘there were speckles of blood… how ::it:: got there’ → ‘it’ should be ‘they’ because the blood speckles are plural

I’d say; ‘The two helped each other to retrieve the sword, then quickly made their way outside and found the path to Nororia.’ → ‘then’ instead of ‘and’ to vary up the vocab, also eliminated ‘shortly’ so you don’t have a ‘quickly’ and ‘shortly’ in the same sentence, added :to: before retrieve, think it needs it?

‘meant to be outside the borders’ perhaps ‘meant to leave the borders’?

para ‘After an hour of walking’ feels a little disjointed in the second sentence, when you start talking about food. I felt you could expand more about his ‘old self’, his emotions here? Then go to the physical – food. Perhaps say ‘Yet though his hand shook when he held it in front of him, he did not feel his hunger. Eating was the last thing on his mind…

‘good twenty feet’ and ‘good reason’, perhaps vary the ‘good’?

‘but it seemed fate wouldn’t allow it’ nothing wrong with the sentence, but I wonder if you might do away with the powerful word ‘fate’/cut this phrase. I think it sort of dulls the emotional impact of their conversation to come, because ‘fate’ itself is a bit of a cliché. If you go straight to their conversation, I think it is more powerful and conveys the feeling anyway

‘as their trek’ ‘as the sun sank’ → two uses of ‘as’ in the sentence, perhaps can vary?

‘beautiful July evening’ and ‘beautiful blue’ in next para, perhaps eliminate repetition/vary vocab? Also, I’m not a fan of the word ‘beautiful’ in itself as an adjective in this context, because it’s so vague! If you say a ‘pristine blue’ for the sky, or ‘unblemished’, ‘turquoise’ etc… anything, conveys loads more

‘they felt important’ I think you could do better here; ‘a feeling of purpose washed over them, as they thought…’ also careful again of repeating the ‘as’ in sentences, (happens here) and reorder ‘thought they’ to ‘they thought.

‘They walked out…’ I think there needs to be an ‘and’; ‘flowers, and the wind…’ Also in this para ‘From the higher vantage point’… I think this sentence has been cut off?

‘he grinned snidely at Alder’ this is not a dialogue tag, so the dialogue needs a full stop and ‘He grinned snidely at Alder.’

Same with ‘He sighed and lifted…’ Fullstop after ‘neck.’

Add comma; ‘Somehow, without explanation, his mind felt…’

I think change word tense and add word; ‘asked Alder, ::rubbing:: his arms in an effort ::to:: warm them.’

Fullstop; ‘Lussien nodded. “Yeah, you’re right
… again after ‘Lussien stood up and clasped…


I like the expression ‘sun retired from the sky’!!

Fullstop after ‘Alder turned.’

Perhaps; ‘his heart beat intensely’ as opposed to ‘intensified’

Add comma; ‘Taria, the only home he’d ever known, had become…’

I’d merge sentences as follows; ‘Alder fell to the ground, landing with a thud, without even putting up a fight.’ Otherwise, ‘ground’ is also repeated

I think need ‘that’ ‘idea swirled in his mind ::that :: he must have died

Hi there.

I'm new to the site and stumbled on this book. I read 5 chapters and can't wait to read more. What really stood out to my was the strong authorial voice. It didn't detract from the narrative,but it eased me along.

There are some truly poetic lines in this piece - and it had the feel of literary fiction, as well as fantasy.

Will definitely be back for more.

Honour

with a few grammar errors and typos, a quick edit will do this story justice. interesting storyline. good short pitch.
j
what every woman should know

Just finished Chapter 3 (as listed on Authonomy), technically I guess Chapter 2

A lot of small mistakes throughout the first couple chapters...

More recently was using "their" instead of "they're" - "They do exactly as their told from the Guardians"-- all of these can be fixed with a thorough reread of all the writing, I haven't noticed anything major, and I really do enjoy your writing. You write intelligently yet in an easy-to-read manner, which I like and which most readers would like.

Also "pedal" instead of "petal" for flowers...

Also when Michael and Lussien walk to get the flower petals I feel like the pace slowed down. Everyone seemed to be in such a hurry up until the two of them left to go on a walk - then it felt like they were just strolling through the forest on a Sunday afternoon...and except for the occassional mention of the importance of their venture, it felt like there was no real hurry. For example, it sounded like Michael's mother need the flower petals to save the ward, then Michael told Lussien (or Ben...can't remember), that the guy would survive. So just a little confused in this portion as to the seriousness...

Just trying to help, really like the story, but these are what I'm "feeling" as I read. Looking forward to reading on! Thanks for a great story so far!!

cskarp

I think you have a great story here and I like how you write! The prologue really pulled me in and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the book. Just a couple suggestions:

"There was hardly a hard edge to be found." - I think you need to get rid of either "hardly" or "hard" and replace one with another word.

The beginning of the prologue reads great but the last portion after Aireddan is defeated seems hurried...it could be just me though, I will certainly be reading on either way.

great fantasy story, six stars and backed!
Jack

COOL story from the beginning. It drew me in and grew my interest as I read.
You word things very skillfully chosen.
You have a lot of original ideas in your first chapter. The adventure and action are well portrayed as well.]
Highly rated.
Grand work!
Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

The Prologue is very interesting. I've always been a fan of fantasy wars, magic, and powerful beings. I have a good feeling that i will enjoy this book. You get high stars from me.

i enjoy fantasy, but it is not my chosen genre. this is a fresh piece and written well...
j
what every woman should know

This is super, Michael. You’ve really turned this into a great action sequence, and it feels like I’m in the scene now instead of floating over it. I can feel the tension, and I think you build up the world, the characters, and the impending battle well—a little at a time. Your descriptions are so much better, too! I love this: “A white vapor escaped [Ben’s] mouth with each breath as [he] spoke. It was a frosty day, but weather was the furthest thing from either of their minds.” It's superb. I can really hear your style and voice shining through this now, and I’m finding it very enjoyable to read. You really do a good job with descriptions, and I like it.

You’ve also kept the number of characters limited at the beginning—just Ben, Aireddan, and their reference to the Guardians—which is an excellent strategy because it keeps the reader from being overloaded with information. You’ve also limited the number of magical/mythological/specifically-named objects for us to think about (like the Rameathor sword), and this accomplishes the same thing. From other Epic-fantasy drafts I’ve seen, a lot of people struggle with introducing too many characters, too many objects, too many places, and too much worldbuilding all at once at the beginning. If you can keep weaving it out a little at a time, that will really help keep your reader grounded, and I think that’s super that you really seem to have nailed limiting that to make it simpler and easier to follow right off the bat. Great job there.

I mostly have nit-picks at this point. You could probably clean up some of your punctuation formatting: (“…at the edge of the woods[.]” A white vapor…). Some of your descriptions could maybe be streamlined a little more: (A horn blew[, echoing through the forest and rattling the leaves (would sound rattle leaves though, or just the wind? It might be special/magical of the sound itself is rattling leaves.)]. And I think there’s a few places where you could expand the descriptions to be a even more action than surveillance: (Ben looked down from the castle. Mere minutes ago it appeared peaceful, but now it was stained with spilled blood. Swords clashed, bodies were hewn….)—the thing about this paragraph is that it feels like a mix of past and present. It’s okay if he goes out, and now the peaceful place looks desolate AFTER the battle with bodies everywhere; or if he goes out and the peaceful streets are churning with chaos, swords clanking, things like that. But probably not both. Involving some more of the five senses besides sight--taste, smell, sound, touch and sensation--will really help with making this feel more scene-like, too.

Anyway, just to give you a few ideas. I hope that’s helpful.

It’s looking much better. I just changed out my shelf, but think I’m going to give it some shelf time in a few days. You’ve really improved this a lot. Good job! :-)

-Sarah E.S.

{Guardians of Astonia} – Michael

First of all, apologies for taking so long to give you a proper review, and thanks so much for your support! Now on to your book… when I read your prologue, I immediately had a good feeling. From what I’ve read, you haven’t let me down.

The story that begins ‘17 years later’ establishes the scene beautifully. I especially enjoyed Mr Marlot’s tale at the bar- a perfect way of introducing some background, and I’m of course a fan of storytellers in books :) Your imagery is delightful and I loved the rumours of ‘the sweat and blood of the buildings still stain the stones a crimson red’. The world within a world that is created is vivid and imaginative.

Your tone and writing style perfectly suit the story and target audience. Easy to read and follow, fast-paced and entertaining. Good hooks at the end of chapters, and the chapter names are also excellent.

In terms of suggestions and constructive feedback, I don’t have any criticisms for the plot development and your ideas. A small point though; at times I’d be careful of overusing the passive voice, ‘was’. I did a ‘find’ search in 3. ‘Fateful Day’ and the word ‘was’ appeared 106 times. I’m especially attuned to it after Michael Dale on Authonomy highlighted it to me, and then I frantically went about trying to eliminate it as much as possible in my book. Sometimes a simple rewording is all it takes… or else if you are using ‘was’ to describe a feeling (‘he was scared’), you can enrich and enhance the connection between reader and protagonist by describing the feeling of fear … e.g. the way it makes your heart beat fast/sweat/etc. You do this excellent at points too – e.g. when the boys’ eyes widen and it becomes apparent ‘that they may have been living in caves their entire lives’. So nothing too hard to address :)

Anyway, I also want to mention that I love how you infuse some deeper messages into what on the surface is a young adult fantasy. For instance, in 5. ‘New Alliances’ Ben’s speech beginning ‘It’s a complicated matter… one day you’ll learn that not everything always fits clearly into right or wrong.’ These are very wise words, and there is a lot that readers can learn. You manage to incorporate depth intelligently into your work, without detracting from the story, and making it feel ‘heavy’. Some fabulous images too… loved this one at the end of 7. ‘The house was defenseless and yet there it was, looking like a relic from the past with no sign at all of the world’s present turmoil.’ This is simply marvelous and I think is very symbolic… the house being ‘defenseless’ almost generates the picture of a vulnerable, innocent child. It makes us feel a little hopeful… that maybe innocence can be preserved, and still stand, no matter the turmoil around it.

Congratulations on a terrific book and thank you so much for sharing :) A whole bouquet of stars and I’ll recommend you around. I also notice… this is an epic tale! 175,595 words on authonomy and incomplete! Perhaps you might consider making it into a series? I originally had 3 books in my series… but split each one into 3, making 9 in total, because they were just getting really long… People seem to like series too, so just a thought ;)
Best wishes,
Cara

I enjoyed the first chapter of 'The Guardians of Astonia'. It has an interesting premise, grabs the reader immediately, and I like where it's going. I do have a few observations that may take it from an average read to a very good read.
Aireddan says that the sword's name is Rameathor, not that the sword is a Rameathor, therefore the sword should be referred to as Rameathor not the Rameathor.
The name of the main character, Ben, seems pedestrian when compared to the other names in the story. Simply spelling it differently would help.
You kill the inherent drama of the battle by suddenly switching to Ben's observations of the castle as the battle begins. Likewise, the transition from Ben's observations and the end of the battle is too brief. It is possible, and necessary, to provide some detail that the reader can grasp without being gory or overly violent.
You suggest that the action occurs during cold weather, late fall or winter when one can see one's breath, but describe the fields as green.
The line, "Ben looked down from the castle . . ." reads as though Ben is in the castle looking out when he is actually outside looking in.
In the line, "He took one last notable breath", why was the breath notable?
Why wasn't Tiriel wounded if his "limbs clashed against Rameathor"? Tiriel's sword should clash against Rameathor. It would be more dramatic if Tiriel's sword had a name also, e.g. "X clashed against Rameathor. A sower of sparks flew from the collision of the razor-sharp blades."
With his life in jeopardy, would Aireddan have allowed himself to be distracted?
There's is no reference to Tiriel being wounded until he dies. The reader is never certain what his wounds are or how they were inflicted. It is not necessary to go into great detail, but the reader must have some point of reference from which his imagination can proceed.

I firmly believe that false praise is detrimental to a writer's growth, hence I give honest observations. I do not intend to be harsh, I only intend to show flaws that can be corrected. I like your work and want it to get to the Editor's Desk. - Gao Zuojia
I would appreciate a return read of Kailai and the Dragon Prince and any constructive criticism you might have.

Hello

This is a really interesting piece. There are so many different types of fantasy and reading different kinds helps build one's own background to write it. I think you've done an excellent job in protraying your characters and building your scenes. The descriptions are well-thought out and do not bog down the piece. It is obvious you have taken time with this and have worked on it long and hard. I really don't have anything to nit at all. The sentence structures are strong and the narrator's voice is carried in a way that pulls the reader in wanting more of the story. I liked the back lay of the forest. I use the forest alot in my stories too. So many things can happen there.

Anyhow, I liked this and when I have room on my shelf, I will back it.
Thanks for sharing.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

{Guardians of Astonia} – Mike LeBlanc
Prologue:
What a beautiful opening! Some vivid images and you develop the foundations for your story nicely with a mixture of description, thought and dialogue. Background information is nicely infused into the present action.

Some lovely, thought provoking sentences I particularly enjoyed “We just have to believe. We’ve spent our lives in bondage, but we didn’t even know it.” --- “A thought is perfect, a heart is everlasting, a hand is neither, but it tries.”

Although this has been labelled ‘Young Adult’, I sense that this book will appeal to a large audience range, because of its deeper undercurrents.

All the best, I look forward to seeing how the plot unfurls :)
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

brilliant fantasy, great names, very good narrative....and story...
backed with six stars*******
read SEASONS...

Hey Mike!

I read your new prologue and I reread your edits for chapter one. I like both a lot more than I did before! I think it moves at a quicker pace and I can picture everything really well. The prologue, in my opinion, could still take a little bit more smoothing out, the dialogue between Aireddan and Ben seemed a little awkward, but over all it was so much better and a lot more interesting! I really got into the story. I also thought Chapter one was much clearer.

A few comments:
Prologue-
as it turns out= I don't feel like this fits with the tone of your writing. Neither did the question "As for Aireddan and Tiriel?" While I understand you were adding some playfulness, it just didn't fit.
had went mad= had gone mad
elipses= I noticed a whole lot of elipses in the prologue and in chapter one. Most of these were unnecessary and could be replaced with a dash, a period, or a semicolon. In dialogue, I only use elipses when indicating a thought or a comment trailing off at the end. If someone is being interupted, use a --. I would just be careful with over using the "..."
Ariddans= needs a '
it never marked or tarnised= was marked
meet with enemy= the enemy
Chapter one-
Dialogue= I would go through and check over your dialogue. A new paragraph is always needed when there is a new speaker or even if there is a thought from someone else, like when Marlot asks Michael if he wants a cider and michael nods. New paragraph after the question, then start with Michael nodded. When Lussien comes into the bar, the dialgue gets very unclear with who is speaking. That will really smooth everything out!
Marlot= you describe him as all smiles and happiness at first then you say he talks about how there is no point in living, so it seemed a little confusing.
that where the food was sold= i think this seems very silly since its a market, so of course food it sold there! lol. I would also take out Michael pointed out. Just say it smelled rotten.
I would alos make it clearer that you are describing michael as whimsical and insightful. Since the last name we had was Lussiens, i couldnt tell who it was.
test it,= test, it

Much better. I'm really liking this and I'll be moving on to chapters 3 and 4 probably tomorrow or monday. I have to say, the people harvesting part was so creepy! I can't wait to read farther.

Kat

Mike,

So I got around to reading your prologue and also chapter 1 and I have to say that, as much as I gave it a go, from a desire to honour our agreed read swap, I just couldn't get into the story. In the end, this sort of thing just isn't my cup of tea.

Sorry not to be able to be more positive but honesty in these things is best, I believe.

Thanks again for reading and backing Stargazing and I really appreciate the time and effort it must have taken you to write such a thoughtful review.

All the very best with your work.

K J

Hi there,
I have read your prologue and have included some thoughts below. Please keep in mind these are only my opinions and suggestions, and you are free to take or to ignore anything you don't agree with.

In the first dialogue section, you refer to the speaker as 'he' but you haven't identified him yet. For easier reading, it might help to name the speaker right away.

I also noticed that the story is told from both Ben and Aireddan's perspectives, and the changes happen without notice (eg. page breaks). At times, I found this confusing and found myself asking, “Who's perspective am I getting right now?”

Why would he see the face of his replacement in the lake by the castle? If it's a magical lake, it might help to say it.

I'm not sure about addressing the reader directly: “You may have expected...” as this seems to be another POV or narration change. If you started out the story from this perspective, this would fit better, I think.

You might want to try to avoid words like, “Eventually” since they are very general. Try to be more specific about your time frames. Like, “By the time A had routed the Grolls, B was dashing up the staircase...” for example. It provides a time frame while also pushing the story forward.

It wasn't clear from the text that Aireddan had struck a mortal blow to the Guardian, so I was surprised when he also died.

Aireddan proved three important things: that the Guardians were real, that they were not perfect AND that they could be killed.

If the Guardians are so powerful, why not just exact swift revenge on the Tarians rather than strike at them years later?

I know this is a prologue, but there are so many places where I wanted more. (There were times when I actually thoguht you should expand it into a chapter, since there was so much potential to elevate the story). Like, the battle scenes: what actually happens? I wanted to hear the clash of swords, the slamming of the bodies against the ground as the dead fell. I wanted to see the army formations and all that. Also, I really wanted a description of this amazing sword. There were also other potentially interesting details I felt were left out: Aireddan's whole experience of falling through the hole and finding the sword, for example. And why he was chosen over other men? Finally, I found that the ending of the prologue could have been wrapped up in a stronger way. I would suggest deleting the whole section of how the village people responded to the war and end it instead by focusing on the Guardians' response, by writing that they vowed to avenge the loss of Tiriel or something.

Final thoughts to tie into my last point about the prologue having the feel of a chapter: it might read better as a prologue if you cut it down to focus on the necessary details, which would introduce the Aireddan as the first hero, the reveal that a new hero is to come, tell of Aireddan's and Tirien's deaths and the Guardian's vow to get revenge. Then if you wanted, you could tell the other interesting and important elements (how Aireddan found the sword and the description of the battle itself, for example, throughout the body of the story via flashbacks or have a character tell the story to the MC or something.

Over all, I think there is some wonderful potential here. The writing itself is generally clean and easy to read. The events happen at a good pace and the story itself promises to be exciting. I hope it continues to do well.

All the best,
Dyane

Hey Mike,

So I read the first chapter and I find the story much more interesting. The pace was a little bit faster, but I think I realized what kind of throws me a bit out of the story. Its that there is a lot more telling than showing. The reader gets a list of what people are like as a character instead of figuring it out themselves. I think maybe getting into the scene a bit more, add more details, and making the reader picture the scene would open everything up amazingly. This is obviously the beginning of an epic adventure and I really want to visualize it! Does that make sense? Obviously, I go overboard with it in my book, but I think that being able to see the adventure draws the reader farther into the story.

Specific comments:
I have no idea how old Michael is, referencing his mother made me think he is little, but he is a trying to be a warrior, so obviously he is a young adult.
who had long ago since retired - long sing retired
," Mr. Marlot paused- I would do a period and then the quotation mark because there is no speaker tag which would neccesitate the comma
the sentence starting "until the guardians decided" was very confusing. I had no idea what was trying to be said.
Make sure you always start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker
,'Boy I wish...' was this a thought or did he say this outloud? It wasnt clear.
Who is Ben? That was unclear at first, you just sort of threw his name in. I would clarify so we aren't like OOOH later.
which caused grazing crow- missing an 's'
students whimsical shell- student's or are all his students whimsical
makes sense, right? seemed a little out of place, a little modern, but that is just me.
POV changed around a lot. Either stick to just Micahel and his inner thoughts, or go into everyone's inner thoughts. I would suggest just Michael and then make comments about people's behaviour through his eyes.

Overall, I'm much more interested in the story. The cliffhanger ending hooks the reader into reading the next chapter. I'll definitely be reading more.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

GUARDIANS OF ASTONIA

Really love the artwork for your cover. It’s very eye-catching and it drew me to your story right away.

First let me start off by congratulating you on finishing your fist novel project! That’s such a rewarding feeling, even if it’s not always clear what the next step is or you felt like you had no clue what you were doing the first time. I empathize that I totally felt the same way with my very first draft. The revising process and getting oriented to prepping for publishing can be a bit overwhelming, but I promise that things will start to click with practice and a little bit of time. If you would like, I’d be happy to point you to some writing resources that have good articles, competitions, and things that might help orient you to the world of fiction writing, and particularly sf/fantasy writing if that would be helpful to you. If you can, try to find a local writing group, too. They’re a little hard to pin down, but local universities often have them if you go looking for them.

Anyway, to your story. :-) I think you have an interesting premise, and a good command of ideas and where you want them to go. You certainly have interesting characters, and some great worldbuilding going on. I like the concept with the Guardians, and this quest Aireddan (great name, by the way) has fallen into to defeat them when he finds this sword of the Hytans. Very interesting and intriguing ideas.

I did feel like this read more like a summary, or maybe a long narrative rather than like prose. Developing scenes can be a challenging task. If you could, maybe try to show your character doing something, experiencing the room he’s in and the work he’s doing with his five senses. Give us some clues about what he looks like, and show us why he’s interesting as opposed to telling us that his life is mundane and boring (if you tell us this his life is boring, we’ll feel bored with the character).
Maybe we open on him sitting at a table. His black hair is plastered to his sweat-drenched face as he scrapes away at a piece of wood on his carpenter’s table. Maybe the air smells of wood shavings, or smoke from the fireplace. Under his breath he mutters to himself: “A thought is perfect, a heart is everlasting, a hand is neither but it tries.” Another man in the workshop pelts him with a wet rag, and the other workers laugh. “You fool,” he says. “You mumble like an idiot.” No one understands the words he speaks, but….
Is that giving you some ideas, maybe, of how a scene might look? You can totally write this however you want, but I thought I’d just throw an example out there to see if it helped. If you can, open with an interesting character in the act of doing something interesting (even the mundane day at work in the workshop is interesting with some fleshed-out details) and carry through with scenes and dialogue. I think your story would really pop off the page that way.

There’s another writer on this site who’s doing epic fantasy that has a really good command of scenery prose, if you want to check it out:
The First Oath by Edwin P. Magezi
In his first paragraph, he does a really good job of orienting us to the setting and making us feel the cold air through the character’s armor.

I’m hoping some of these comments will be helpful too you. Best of luck with your book project! You have some really great ideas—do keep going with them!

Sarah E.S.
Destiny of Speices

Like the Idea! Starts a bit slowly and found that I lost interest slightly but picked up as it continued. Characters were detailed especially Aireddan. I think this has all the makings of a really good book and will refer back and take in a few more chapters when I have a little more time, then I will be in a better stead to comment further.
Good luck with this
Christian.

Mike:
I like where I think you are trying to go with this, but, as another reviewer wrote, you need to grab the reader within the first five minutes. I lost interest in Chapter 1, the prologue, after two paragraphs. The "warning" that opens the chapter sets the reader up for disappointment, drop it. I would suggest removing the prologue until you are completely secure in its construction. Perhaps present a scenario where Aireddan is making the statement to someone. Give the reader a point of reference, a reason to remember the statement. Demonstrate Aireddan's profession instead of simply telling the reader what he does. He is apparently important to the story or you wouldn't have him in it. Give the reader a reason to care about him.
The current Chapter 2 can stand without the prologue and it is more interesting. It has some issues, but you already have enough to think about.
I think the story is worth telling and, therefore, worth revising. I like many of the things you have done and that is why I'm writing this. Give the story every chance you can.
I hope that you would find time to peruse my offering, Kailai and the Dragon Prince, and leave me any constructive criticism you might have. - Gao Zuojia

Mike,

I like this prologue a lot better. It was much more epic. I thought the guardians thing was creepy and gross and that the pace was much better. I'd still like something else. I don't know. Something that will immediately tie this story into the next part where the story really begins, like maybe that this was a story whispered through the streets of the Cities or something. And with, And so the world of Astonia was changed and a new story, a new age, began" or something. You know what I mean??

Typoes:
name Taria= named
(A Grand...)= i dont think this is necessary. The reader will get who a Grand is by reading it.
reescue him= rescue
The Guardians are real...= were real, were imperfect

Love the new rewrite!

Kat

Hey Mike,

I've read chapter two. I found the detail to not be so time consuming this time. I liked it. I liked the voice, though the pace was still a little slow. I was a little confused, though, about what happened in the room and who those women were. I feel confused about what is going on in this prologue and I also wonder why it is so long. Is it truly a prologue if it's four chapters long??? Maybe I haven't reached the point yet where I understand it's purpose. Does that make sense?? I guess I don't understand thi quest that Aireddan is on yet or what exactly his is supposed to do. I don't understand the Guardians. But perhaps this knowledge comes with further reading?

Typoes/comments:
-found himself stood= found himself standing
-how does the sword understand him? That comment didn't really make sense unless it is talking to him like The RIng in with LOTR.
-and met with= i can't remember what was wrong with this sentence. That was all i wrote. I think it was that you wrote path twice in a row in the sentence.
- the rock sheltered= the rock sheltering
-final drop... finally= sounded redundant.

This seems like a very intricate world and I do wonder where this is going, I just kind of wish it would get there! You writing is very talented. I don't think its the fact that there is a lot of description or that the pace is a little slower, its that I dont understand what the significance of everything is and I'm not getting the answer yet.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

My friend MrK makes a good observation; the voice here does rather resemble Tolkien. I have to say that detracts from the piece; it's each writer's personal voice that sets their work apart, so developing your own voice is absolutely vital. Voice (as MrK and I have debated in the past) can vary according to the tone of the book or the setting, but it should fundamentally be the writer's voice, rather than an emulation of someone else's writing style.

All that said, there's a nice literary quality developing here.

I was also jaw-droppingly harsh in my last comment, I'm surprised you asked me to comment again. I'm not normally that rough, I promise.

The quality of the writing here is much improved, but the essential issue that I remarked before is still present, that being content. Nothing really happens here. Or rather, a lot of words go into not a lot happening. It needs action, which is to say people doing stuff, whereas you're focussing far more heavily on the long periods of inactivity and skipping hurriedly through the actual events.

It might seem obvious, but you need to actually tell the story.

I hope all that helps.

I read chapter one and I have to say, I found it very slow and long. I think you have an great premise here and what seems to be a rich world. I would suggest something that hooks the reader in a little faster. After reading the pitch, I was confused the our MC seemed to be named Aireddan not Michael. But perhaps he comes in the next chapter? I just wasn't hooked after the first chapter. I'm all about description and setting a scene and more emphasis on story than action, but the prose was just a little too long winded for me. But hey, that is just my opinion. Obviously, you need to be true to what works for you and the story you are telling.

Typoes/Comments:
simply and ordinary- simple and ordinary.
an deep black hole- a deep
i wondered how he realized it was a sword after not getting close to it and calling it a shiny object for a whole paragraph. it seemed like an abrupt word change.
How old is Aireddan? I couldn't tell.

I don't want to sound like a Debbie Downer or anything. This is just my opinion and i'll definitely keep reading because I'm interested in finding out more about this world you've created.

Kat

GUARDIANTS OF ASTONIA

So here are my comments over your Chapter 3. As I tell everyone who I crit, take what rings true and just pitch the rest. Only you know what will work best for the overall story. Also, since I am starting at Chapter 3, if I have an odd question that will be answered in the previous chapters just ignore that too. Okay, on to your book..

My first comment is about the action that accompanies your dialogue. You mention what Mr. Marlot is doing with his hands after he speaks. For example, “Michael watched Mr. Marlot try with all his might to add interest by moving his face and hands as he told it.” I would have liked to see these actions described while Mr. Marlot was speaking. I’ll give a stab at it just so you can see what I mean, “It’s a symbol of mastery of the Guardians and nothing can compare to it. It’s larger and more menacing than any other structure in the world,” Mr. Marlot said, throwing open his arms to show the enormity of the castle.

Or something to that effect. I think you get the idea though.

On a side note: I’m assuming that the Guardians have been explained up until this point? If not, you might want to mention who they are or that Michael is wondering who they are(helping the reader empathize with your MC).

Also, try tightening up some of the lines. I have a hard time with this myself. A suggestion would be instead of, “This is the part of the story Michael hated hearing about the most,” saying, “Michael hated this part of the story because....”

The term “puttered about” made me smile. I like that description.

Another tip would be to use a line break like dashes to show change in scene. For me the heart of this was after he was done with Mr. Marlot and was talking about his final exam. I would really try to focus on that part. Also, the chapter did seem a little long. I would consider trying to condense it some or making it into two chapters. Once again, just a thought do what you think works best. You get 5 stars from me! Good luck with this!

Mike,

I read up to the middle of the second chapter as formatted on here.

Your opening chapter has a distinctive voice, one not encountered often, as -I suspect- you have probably made the effort to write like JRR Tolkien. I might be mistaken here, but that is the feeling I got. I can't say the same about the second chapter, and that worried me a bit. Was the voice intentionally altered or did you find it hard to carry on with? You are the one who knows the answer to that, but if either is the case, you need to think how a fantasy reader will react to that change. (I am one, and I didn't react very well...-just in case it matters)

I liked the voice of the first chapter more and a) I would have you keep it in the rest of the story too and b)I would have you polish it in the opening chapter. I can't help you with a) but I have a couple of suggestions for b).

--When you want to tell a story that bears the feeling of a light breeze coming through as you sleep in summer afternoon, you have to speak directly to a reader's subconscious -as the breeze evokes emotions and thoughts just by passing by. Practically, this means you have to leave any and every explanation aside.
Example sentences to be avoided when constructing this kind of voice:
"The journey back took a great deal longer mainly due to his fatigue but also in part because he was now unarmed and needed to move with caution than before." See here? "The journey back took a great deal longer" is what the summer breeze would say and leave the rest to the mind's eye to develop. Explanations make the conscious-scientific part of the mind active.
Again later: "The notion of self sacrifice became his motivation as he drove on." We don't need to know what causes what (in mu humble opinion of course).

-- Your sentence structure at points is more concrete than fleeting. Read the following as it sounded in my mind when I read:
"For a quick moment he saw nothing but brightness STOP A bolt of blinding light charged from the sky and Aireddan was thrown (no need for passive voice here -fell-) onto the ground a considerable distance away STOP His body landed violently by a large oak STOP For a full day he laid still, sword in hand STOP In his subconscious he enjoyed the only pleasant dreams he'd had in months STOP" -the specific point carries on like this for another paragraph...
Do you see it? There are many parts in the chapter where it reads like this. Whereas there are others that flow and those were the ones that reminded me of the opening scenes of The Lord of The Rings.

-- In the context of explaining you add info that are not necessary, even if you should have explained.
Third paragraph from the end of the chapter "Aireddan crept along a thick bush etc..." In one sentence he is patient and the next he quits waiting. Then, "quickly things turned badly." ("bad" instead of "badly").
a) Why say he waited patiently if the next sentence he doesn't?
b) Why say things turned bad if you are going to show it in the next sentence?
See what I mean?

I hope I could be of help. Good luck with it... :)

Yannis

The blurb needs a re-write. Sorry to start on a downer; first paragraph of the blurb is god, but the story of Michale is cumbersome here, and the tense is inconsistent in a couple of places.

Reading on...

"Aireddan was a Tarrian..." Wht does that actually mean? Dimrock was lord of Glothnock. Kamdham was queen of Bharististan. Ghor'Vuk of Torm was born to the clan of Vk'mc'talak'mc.

"In Tarria lived a boy named Aireddan..." not the most elegant or original opener, but it tells us what we need to know immediately. The first sentence is your establishing shot, you need to give the reader a single clear first image of the setting like the first shot in a movie.

"..he found [Tarrians] boring and monotonous..." Never use the words 'boring', 'tedious', 'dull', 'monotonous', 'repetitive', 'derivitive', 'drivel'... do you see the quality that all these words evoke no matter the context? Just don't use them in any prose ever; consider the subconcious impact that these words have on your reader, escpially in the first chapter.

The whole chapter is a litany of time spent doing nothing; the guy walks, camps and waits. Nothing happens. It might sound counterintutive, but we come to empathise with the character from the outside in, not the other way around. This is all inner thoughts and monlogue when the reader doesn't know the character well enough to connect with that. How do you get to know a person? From the outside, from first glance, from how they act, what they do, how they interract. One guy crossing wilderness tells us nothing unless we already know and care who that guy is.

You have a nice storytelling voice developing, but you need to actually tell the story more energetically, get the reader interested in who Aireddan is and why he does whatever he's doing.

ps don't respond to comments in your own comment box -people won't see what you have written unless they come back to your page. You need to go to their home page and message them there :)

This is developing into a good, solid fantasy read. Yes, it does need a tidy-up, but whose doesn't? Your first chapter, on screen at least, appears quite long. One piece of advice I received from an agent was that your first chapter should take about 5 minutes to read to hook the reader in. Then you can expand the length when you have caught them. 270K, if the whole book is that long, is massive. Most publishers will only accept a fantasy book up to about 160k from a new writer. Just a few thoughts.

Thanks very much for the comment! I'm well aware that my grammar is a few steps behind where it should be but it's a work in progress. Maybe I should go back to school? hah.
I've actually finished this novel about a year ago, it's quite massive in my opinion for a first attempt at 270,000 words. Looking at it now those poorly formed sentences and missing commas seem more obvious but editing it is a considerable undertaking. I like to think the sequel (of which I'm nearly finished) is quite a bit better. Thanks again for the support and kind words!

Ok, I fibbed. I managed to read the first chapter this evening before bed.
I'm not the best person to comment on grammar, and I feel there is definite work to be done here with sentence structure but the prologue reads (to me) quite lovely. It has an ethereal quality to it. There are a few missed commas and a few disjointed words - nothing a good read through by someone in the know can't help you with :)

This is a beautiful line "A thought is perfect, a heart everlasting, a hand is neither but it tries." - So very very poetic.

In fact, I found a host of lines like this that made me stop and re-read, loved the feel these lines give the prologue.
Aireddan is a beautiful name. I'll be back to read a few more chapters tomorrow, but ... it really is bedtime now! 5 stars at the moment, I'd like to get a feel for the rest of the story before I comment any more.

Good stuff and great potential!