Jill and Jack

You are certainly an imaginative writer and I admire your ability to write abstractly, but I'm afraid I had a bit of trouble following your story and seeing where you were going. The prologue was quite interesting with Brief and Panty who died and then became the god and goddess of love, yet, even there I didn't really understand who and what these characters were especially since they proposed the enter the minds of sleepers and 'video tape' them so that readers could travel with them.

Once you switched to the story of Jack and Jill, I'm afraid I became completely lost. I tried to follow it for a while, but then gave up. Still, I think that is more my shortcoming than your's. I suspect you write in the abstract for a reason and encourage you not to give this up as it is a very unique, singular style of writing. For the ordinary reader, such as myself, though, your story is quite difficult to follow and thus may not secure the interest of a publisher only interested in making money.

I think, as a writer, you are going to have to choose between art and secularism. If you pursue the style in which you're now writer, your chances of being published are minimal, I'm afraid. Of course, you could self-publish and then be as artistic, lyrical, and abstract as you like and hope to find an audience who appreciates your work. Even remaining a writer of the abstract, however, you will need to edit and publish your book and might find this easier to do by employing an editorial service.

I certainly wish you the best in your writing career and hope you become successful enough to write many more books!

Sincerely,
Patricia Laster
"Breaking Free"

Bob,

I loved the opening of the prologue, it felt like a poem, and was very rhythmical.

The street lamps "each stand on one leg" rather than "stand on one legs".

Found a couple of things. Your sentence that begins "He is walking on the pavement....." is about four lines long and has no punctuation. Please help!

I don't think that you need to tell us that we will find out more about Jack's life later, just let the story unfold and continue with how he writes about Jill.

On the whole, this is a very curious and interesting piece of writing. It has a number of flaws, and I think it could be pulled together into something very good. At points you lead the reader too much, telling hime what is coming next or later, and then the story jumps from reality to dream to jack's writing, and gets really very confusing.

I think that this could be very good, but at the moment it feels more like a collection of ideas rather than a story. I think you need to build more structure.

Very best of luck, it has plenty of promise.
Warrick