high schooler gets tangled up in lies and numerous love triangles Living up her fourth year of high school can have a price.
Twisted. Dark. almost inappropriate
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, back stabbing, betryal, bisexual, daddy problems, drama, drugs, fake, high school, homosexual, liquor, love, lust, party, secrets, sex, sureal, teen...
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I hope that you will see that my intention is to help you improve on your work, not to tear you apart, because I really think that you have a good start here but when reading through I found a ton of little nit picks, all of which being grammatical errors that can easily be remedied. You'll need to apply my suggestions to your entire work as I noticed the same mistakes over and over again. I wonder if it wouldn't be prudent for you to use spell check to catch some of these errors, making your job a lot easier. I wish you all the best! G.W.1st para... extreme length(s)you have there, in this case it should be they're (as in they are)chapter 1 1st para after Mr. Shannon you should insert a comma reading... announced Mr.Shannon, standing...2nd when addressing someone you need a comma before when warranted (meaning not at the begining of a sentence) and after so it would read... "Aw come on, Mr. S, why?"3rd ...then yes," he replied cheerfully, handing the quiz to Trevor.4th "Besides, since it's Halloween," he said, shrugging, "I'm doing...I believe maniacally is the proper spelling. You also have the word quiz capitalized; I don't think it should be.5th-- same problem as before--when you have dialogue that is followed by a tag(ie she said) you need to follow the dialogue with a comma, and then another comma should precede the action the indiviual is doing.6th--again, a comma should precede and follow when addressing an indiviual directly.7th improper usage of too-- it should just be to. Too is used in place of words like also or when referring to something extra or in excess.8th "What makes you think it's busy work?" he asked her, his glasses slipping lower down his nose. "Oh and class...
Poker face.Ahh - like it, like it!Its a bit naughty, thoughts and doings. Its the thoughts that make it good.I like your ideas here and you write them well. My first thought was a Y/A book, but for them its probably not suitable. And after reading the first couple of chapters I wondered if its not quite in the right genre?As I said you write well and have created an imaginitive story. You have a bit of editing to do - but haven't we all? Get stuck in and show everyone what you can make of this 'twisted, dark and innapropiate' story. I look forward to reading it when its polished off.5 stars. junetee FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star
ill be sure to fix the flaws thanks for giving my story a chance C: spread the word if you can
Twisted, dark and almost inappropriate... haha... ya, almost!!That's one way to start a novel :)I loved it! You paint a vivid picture and your dialogue goes right with the High School setting. You shift between characters nicely, showing the reader different points of view and that's a mark of a imaginative storyteller.I have to say, given the Halloween setting of that first chapter, I didn't see it going the way it did until you started drawing too much attention to the fact that Mari did not like her teacher. That took away what could have been a great surprise, so if you can, try to divert some of that attention to something else. You don't have to, just my thinking :DAnother thing, unrelated to your story or writing; please upload each chapter separately as the site suggests. Some readers like to scroll down and see how much they have to read and putting 5 chapters on one page can be discouraging. Only read the first one but will read more soon.Of course it needs a lot of editing, mostly on grammar, the common mistakes. Pointed out a few below. Probably missed some on that last scene of chapter one, was drawn in, as expected :D• pretending to be someone there not (they are not/they're not)• he was having with his head strong (headstrong)• court yard (courtyard)• they had all taken there usually spots (their usual spots)• everyone was use to Sara's (used to)• Steph's face light up at (face lit up)• she doesn't even have try (to try)• any holiday in that matter (for that matter)• As the crowded of students (crowd of students)It's an intriguing and promising read and rated it highly.All the best.Edwin - The First Oath