Revolution Earth

Hi Lambert.

I was skimming the site for reads and bumped up against Revolution Earth. In all sincerity (not autho platiude) it's really well written. The pace and the structure is spot on. The language restrained yet intelligent. So I read beyond the prologue up to chapter three. I think the thing that grabs me about it is the sophistication. There are so many disperate characters introduced and drawn in a short space of time yet all feel utterly real and believable. There has clearly been some serious and attentive editing going on here?

As for the opening to the story, I like to think I come with a more critical eye than most. About ten years ago, during the summer hols away from Uni I used to head to London and cycle courier, stay at a mates place and work for a company called travel logistics based out of the Carson Wagon Lit offices in Holborn and Finsbury Circus. It was by far the best job I've ever had. You've nailed the feeling perfectly (either there has been some serious research or you have first hand experience), the way a courier once their body adapts to the physical punishment, atunes completely to their environment, reading the road and the surroundings with hieghtened perception. excellent. I'm a wee bit envious. i've always though a courier would make a great character but shyed away from it because I felt it would be really hard to convey the sense of freedom etc of being part of the humming thrumming city. Well done. oh and the other characters. the world weary copper. Tariq.... I think this is on the WL, high stars and will defo take a spin on the shelf asap.

Cheers D.

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I love the imagery of the prologue, and appreciate how it has me looking for further signs of how we humans have left our mark on the earth—how far we’ve walked. Interesting device.

The scene with Tariq—a man from a relatively primitive background who has been damaged in the city—further emphasizes the question asked in the prologue. People are desperate to reach civilization, yet those living in it become damaged. His very real pain at hearing one of his riders is down links these ideas effectively.

I’m struggling at the start of ch. 3. I can’t seem to connect the woman’s daydreaming and the dialog and the man’s presentation. It helped me tremendously when I realized that Richard and Palmer were two men, not one. (I don’t have the benefit of automatically knowing what all the school ties signify, though I have a pretty good idea.) I am suitably shocked when he strikes the traffic warden, though it seems odd that he has an unpracticed swing. I would have thought he’d strike with more precision, and of course now I know he’s going to run Jonie down. I hope the complexity of the accident (him punching the woman, then Jonie gouging his paint job, then him finding her and hitting her) will prove to have some purpose, otherwise it’s too darn involved.

Characters/Characterization
I’m a middle-aged conservative Christian woman who adores food, so Cara comes across as a bit comical to me, munching her food as mere fuel and spouting naïve pronouncements on those who earn a living. The cigarette was the icing on the cake for me, as it fits with my experience of the holier-than-thou. When Stephen considers her accent I also get the impression there’s something artificial about her beliefs. OK! Enough politics from me; that’s not what you’re here for. Unless you intended me to find her naïve or artificial, in which case, way to go!!

On the other hand, Cara’s concern for the earth does connect the reader to the prologue, particularly with the focus on petroleum products.

Tariq intrigues me and comes across as far more authentic than Cara. He clearly wants to help his family but isn’t sure coming to London is the best way to help. He cares for his workers to the point that he feeds them lentils—I wondered how long we humans have been eating lentils, and sure enough my research tells me it was one of the earliest domesticated crops. An elegant and meaningful touch.

Point of View/Voice
Worked for me. If you are headed where I think you are headed, the multiple points of view will help craft a much more meaningful story.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Your style is quite literary which definitely works for me; your writing is dense enough to slow me down so that I can savor the words, the characters, and the setting.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
It’s not often that I read a manuscript whose writer appears to have carefully chosen his words. Your diction is marvelous. Using tungsten for the color of the sky suggests not only how hot the day, but how far this culture is from melting tungsten.

Your writing also has cadence and rhythm (stolen from your own words) that makes this book a pleasure to read.

A phrase that didn’t work for me: “…gluing her tawny hair to the ground of which, scant seconds ago, she was the speeding queen.” What about, “..gluing her tawny hair to the ground which, scant seconds ago, she sped across so confidently.” Though you would choose a better word. What about, “she sped across with confidence.” But it may well be me.

I like the way you link the filthy window with Tariq’s inability to use a more earth-friendly bulb.

You’ve got peddling where you want pedaling.

Dialogue
Very well done. I believe the conversation Cara has with Stephen and fully believe their growing curiosity about one another.

Other reviewers have already noted your tendency to have Stephen talk and then move directly to Cara’s thought/actions or vice/versa. I’m imagine that’s already repaired in the copy on your computer.

The dialog at the top of Chapter 3 is a bit muddled for me.

Originality
I have no idea how original this is. On the other hand, I can say with confidence that it is timely, which is probably more important.

Publishability
I think yes.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Hi, this is a BHCG review.

You pull off a really fine trick in the first chapter, lulling me with some really pretty writing and then, just as I was starting to wonder where it was going, waking me up with a car accident. Perfectly timed, in my opinion. The second chapter is just as confident, introducing characters that appear strongly formed without the need of lots of detail and description that would detract from the overall feel. The writing kind of marches on and just sweeps the reader along with it. It takes no effort to read. Very polished, very professional.

This is a very polished manuscript. The writing is of a very high standard. I found no hiccups, clumsy phrases of poorly constructed sentences. It doesn't read like a collaboration, it feels like a solid and consistent whole, which seems to me like it would take some real effort on behalf the authors, so well done for that.

I have nothing negative to say about this book at all. Strong, confident and really, really good. The only criticism I have of the overall package is the use of 'or is it?' in the strap-line. Seems a bit weaker than everything else, and not quite in flavour with the rest of the writing. But that is a pretty minor criticism.

I've always wondered what kind of black magic goes into a successful collaboration, and I think you've discovered the formula.

I've read Chapter 1 and 2. Wonderful stuff. I agree with another reviewer who commented on how "purposeful" the writing is. Just like the character stamping his foot in the prelude--the writing is strong, deliberate, and meaningful.

You have an enviable ability in portraying high action, and I was right there in the biking scenes, taken back almost 30 years to my first viewing of the movie "Quicksilver". The eventual hit and run similarly blindsides the reader. Excellent job there.

Loved several descriptions, among them:

"tendon-taught memories"
"the joyless munching of people for whom food is fuel"
the church "ruddy with summer health"

You take bold control of the omniscient POV, which can be hard to do. I did wonder why after so many eye witness accounts to the accident, so little was conveyed about the Mercedes that hit Jonie? Could be that the car sped off too quick, but the reader doesn't witness much curiosity in those that have witnessed the "accident".

All in all, I read these chapters with a frown of begrudging approval. When you're good, you're good. Made me re-look at your profile. Highly starred and will back it soon.

I’m up to CH 5, and I’m enjoying it. The dense description/narration is perhaps unusual for a thriller, but unusual doesn’t mean wrong. Reading would become tedious if everyone’s style was the same.

I’ve noticed that some reviewers don’t relate to the Prelude. I love it. For me, it says that this situation is a core element of the story, and I’m wondering whether it’s suffering from the fact that it’s hard to assess when we only read a very small section of the whole. (Or maybe it’s an Australian thing!) To a certain extent, perhaps the same thing applies to the description of the accident. The fact that it’s ‘told’ (extremely well) rather than ‘shown’ works for me. This is the catalyst for the story, not the story itself.

Multiple POVs also work for me (mine’s the same) but it’s worth checking that the POV is crystal clear throughout. There were also a couple of places where it’s not clear who’s speaking. The first is the earliest conversation between Cara and Stephen, and second is in the presentation in CH 3. You need a para break after ‘Call the help desk Rich,’ she said quietly.’ The mix of characters – corporate vs streetwise, you might say – promises to give the future conflict an extra level.

Picked up a few small things at sentence level:
CH 2 – ‘His thighs tensed in turn in identification’. I know what it means, but it seems clumsy.
‘The phantom of muscular exertion still exerted...’
CH 3 – ‘It didn’t matter much what an oil painting was of, or even if it was any good, that mattered in the end’
‘Richard looked round the room in disarray’ Is the room in disarray?
‘Palmer’s eyebrows raised.’ Rose not raised?
‘Or could she?’ I assume this refers back to ‘Later Ginny would...’, so probably should be ‘Or would she?’

You obviously have an impressive master of style, language and technique. Good luck with the book. Highly rated.

Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer.

Just read the first chapter. Beautifully written - vivid, realistic descriptions and the establishment of strong characters (which allow you to slip in the eco comments neatly and set up the background for your novel). I'll be back to read more.

I have just read the first chapter, Its very descriptive and moves at a cracking pace. the collision is done with speed and slow motion.

You write very well and it is very engaging. I can imagine myself as the bystander watching with disbelief as this unfolds.

I have put this on my watchlist and will continue reading soon.. Superb.. Kate web of Deceit

Hi there,
I came to have a wee look. This is not my normal genre I must say, but boy you can write. Beautiful turns of phrase and descriptive passages, that I normally don't like, but I read all of yours. So that is saying something. I also don't like being in varying POV but somehow you made this work and it didn't bother me at all.
You captured the bike accident superbly, you felt like a bystander on the street watching and being caught up in the action. I think having all those other bystanders, and the one liners about what they were all doing worked a treat. Gave the scene atmosphere and a real buzz. The only thing I wasn't sure about was your statement about them all forgetting the accident by the next week. I know if I had of seen that the image would have stayed with me for a life time. I've only witnessed a couple of traumatic things, but I don't ever forget them or how I felt at the time. Anyway just my thougths while reading that.
Otherwise, excellent job. You should be flying up the charts with this. There are many people who would love this read I'm sure. Well done.
Jx

This is a cracker. All your characters are believable and the environments you create are lovingly described. I've been a city cyclist, I've damaged my lungs walking in London, I've lived in the Coromandel. You've got them all just right.

Your writing style is well-suited to the subject, and while I found myself drawn to read all that you've uploaded here, I'm no closer to guessing what the denouement might be, although I'm already emotionally committed to finding out. That's good writing!

I have very little to suggest. It's very well written. In Chapter 8, when George and Cara arrive at Marie's, she calls out 'Tena koutou.' That should be 'Tena korua', for greeting 2 people. Tena koutou is only for 3 or more. I use occasional forays into languages other than English, and I'm always terrified I'll get it wrong! If this is the worst I can find wrong, then that bodes well for the rest of the book. Best wishes, Yvonne.

Lambert, I cant fault this and such an unusual read. There is a great narrative here that suits this book down to a 'T'. I would suggest that you suit this genre too and you are going to reach out to a wide audience here. I loved this so much and will be scoring this high. Good luck.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Many thanks. Sean

As I started to read chapter one I thought the story was going to be pretty slow to develop then, bang, a collision - maybe accident or deliberate, and Jonie's dead. I like the pace of this book, the way the characters are introduced and develop and it has a book's x-factor - makes me want to read more. Excellent writing. Highly starred and will be backing in the near future. Janet

Janet/Helen
The Stranger in my Life

I rather like thrillers so on my WL. This seems more intelligent than most so I am sure I'll enjoy it.

What an exciting opening. You certainly have me hooked. The writing is pacy and keeps you involved and I will certainly be reading on. I will be putting this on my shelf.

This is extremely well done! Your background in film really shines through here, with such a clear awareness of imagery. Reading this feels like I'm right behind the camera, watching the action. But you go far beyond script writing, really delivering on a literary level as well. You provide a perfect balance of dialogue and description, and it all conspires to really keep the reader engaged. I can't find anything to pick on.
Best of luck with this! And if you have any interest in children's literature, please do come visit the Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Alison,

This is a BHCG Review.

I like the premise of the story. As an urban cyclist with a brother who was a cycle courier for years I can relate a bit and I'm a fan of stories told from multiple viewpoints, particularly when they overlap as they do here around one incident, Rashomon style. I've only gone three chapters into it but here are my impressions so far.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
The plot is great, from the pitch and the opening chapters. It opens exceptionally well and the second chapter builds nicely towards the same ending while developing Tariq's character. I wondered initially why you were giving us all this background on him but then realised he was probably as important as anyone in the story. I like the use of a prelude as opposed to a prologue!

Chapter three, I have some issues with, which I'll expand on later.


Characters/Characterization
I liked the interaction of Cara and the cop, the cat-and-mousey conversation giving us a bit of insight into their personalities but still leaving us wondering how real these first impressions are. Tariq is nicely illustrated in a few broad lines and choice words. The third chapter confused me and it took me a while to figure out who was who. It's not really clear to me whose POV this is supposed to be and as a result I don't get a feeling for anyone other than Palmer as a caricature of the big business baddie.


Point of View/Voice
My own book is told from six different viewpoints so I'm naturally going to be interested in a novel which takes something of a similar tack. While it works well in the main, there are a few moments in chapter two, and a lot in chapter three where the focus shifts and you end up head-hopping and confusing the reader. It's one thing having multiple POVs but you really should try to stick to one per chapter so the reader can keep up. You bounce between the cop and Cara in ch. 2 and from Richard to Jonie to Palmer and back in ch. 3 which is both confusing and messy. To be blunt, you need to completely revise this one. I don't know if Richard is a central character, but someone needs to be able to witness the whole scene or else you may hav eto drop some of the non-essential bits.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
I enjoyed reading your prose and there are some very nicely crafted lines. If I understand correctly, this is a collaborative work and, if a different person wrote each chapter it might be better if one of you took on the task of harmonising the style a bit more throughout.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
This is all A-OK. There's maybe a tendency to over-egg some of the descriptions early on but nothing a quick trim wouldn't fix and you've had a bit of feedback on this from other reviewers. The one thing that puzzled me was why there were several references to the meter maid's skin colour as though it was somehow worse to hit a black woman. While it's arguably a greater moral crime to assault a woman, I can't see how her race is relevant.

There are a number of references in chapter three which will mean nothing to a lot of readers. I'm never sure what to advise writers on this kind of thing and would never suggest dumbing down to suit a larger audience. Cameron-Clegg might be recognisable as politicians to non-Britons but nothing more. A Sloaney accent will mean nothing to the same people. I've a vague idea what it means myself but to be honest I has really confused by that whole bit about who had what accent and what Establishment referred to.

Dialogue
It's on the good side of functional. There are some nice exchanges in chapter two but chapter three is a little theatrical.

Originality
Pass - I can never answer this question with any degree of confidence. I don't read enough to know if this has been done before. I doubt it, and am not sure originality is really a selling point these days!

Publishability
On the strength of the writing of the opening chapters I would say there is a decent chance. If I get time I may read a few more chapters and give more feedback but so far, at the risk of repeating myself ad nauseam, there's substantial work needed on at least one chapter.

edit: just noticed you've already published this, so the very best of luck with that :)

Richard
Where Chana Sings

Masterly piece of work. Backed with pleasure.
laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

A BHCG review

Lambert,

I read five great chapters. This is a strong book with great settings and characters who come to life. It is not a genre I’d normally pick up, but it was a smooth read. There were a couple of placed where I tripped over your descriptions, but the setting were very vivid and well done.

Plot – The plot was good. I like the idea and am interested to see where the book will go.
Pacing – I thought it was a little slow at first, but I would not recommend changing the pace. I think it may have been slow because of the ultiple points of view you are giving in the early chapters.
Characters/Characterization – The characters are well developed early on. I can almost picture them and their worldview.
Point of View/Voice – the point of view was good. There was one point where I thought you moved to an omniscient mode. Ch 4 fourth para down from crown court London
She loved me. (Not sure if this was supposed to be “me” or Cara)
Style – I liked the style. Some of your references could be made more vague to appeal to a wider audience. (ex. Designer purse versus coach purse or internet search versus Google).
Sentence level – I would recommend a grammer scrub of the first chapter because a lot of those sentences are long and unwieldy. After that chapter, grammer and writing style did not at all distract me. (ex. Para that stats with Deeper than wine, sticky….this sentence does not make sense to me. She was speeding queen of the ground?)

Dialogue The dialogue felt real and added to the character’s reality for me.
Originality It seems highly original to me.
Publishability – definitely. I think it would appeal to a wide audience or men and women.

Good luck! I rated it six stars and will back the book as you get closer to the top five.

John

Revolution Earth
I read everything you posted.
This is well written, sometimes beautifully written, and engaging, but I was, to be frank, left a bit wanting by the posting. I was not sure where to place it- is it a love story, is it a travel piece, an eco end-of world fantasy,  a crime thriller, a coming of age story...? The posting had a bit of all of these, with engaging characters, good ambiance, a couple of good potential plot leads, some lovely passages, and a couple of exciting scenes. But when it ended I was not sure where it was going. This may  be fixed by just getting a longer portion of the book, where some of these issues may resolve themselves and a stronger plot mechanism may come out ahead of the others, or perhaps these different strings may wind up into a strong rope. But as it is the posting gave me a bit of a "huh?" feeling when it came to an end. I would have liked you to engage in some of these potential leads a bit more until I was properly hooked before moving on to others. For example, although I loved the ambiance and the character development in New Zealand, I felt that it came at the cost of abandoning several plot lines in London, including the budding love story, the vengeance of the wrathful businessman, the interesting ambiance of the courier's world, the peculiarities of the justice system (small aside here, I am not an expert, but I believe that assaulting the police lady would have gotten Greg Palmer a longer sentence than he got for walking away from the scene even if the criminally negligent homicide would not have stuck- and there were witnesses to that,  weren't there? But more on this later.)
Again, this is not to say that I did not like the scenes in New Zealand. Some of them were quite lovely (loved the sailing, and the stars, Cara's coming to understand the world of her dead love). It is just that it felt almost like changing books.  They are two very enjoyable books, but different books, and I'd like to sink my teeth into one before I go to the other.
Hook and plot- Really lovely writing in both the prelude and the first chapter. To be frank, because of the title, I thought I was reading a science fiction book when I read the prelude (did not check the pitch first), and it worked very well to get me excited, until I figured out it was not sic fi.
But take a look at this first sentence:
There’s a cadence to riding at speed that whirs with a logic that’s half human, half clockwork.
What a great first line. Totally sucked me into the bike couriers' world. I have always been somewhat fascinated by these creatures, half modern-day knights, half reptiles scuttling between the crevices created by cars in their senseless clogging of highways. I was pulled into the world even before the accident and even before meeting Steve. 
It is in the plot component that I take a bit of issue, but not, again, until you go to New Zealand. The introduction of the love interest is good, although I think I could have had just a wee bit more biker ambiance first. The incident at Palmer's office is well done and, although a bit out of context at first, makes a good plot shift. Palmer's violent tirade adds a bit of excitement. It is then that I find you speed up a bit too much. Again, I find the idea that he could get of virtually scot-free hard to swallow.  The woman whom he punched should have pressed charges, and in a busy street someone else should have seen the incident. It is just too violent and too public to go unnoticed. This issue is one that I humbly recommend you consider either toning down his violence or making it less public. 
You breeze through the trial and the emotional wreckage that is the aftermath to get us to the airport. I think that I would want more development of the plot lines before  you move on.
On the other side, you develop this great foundation for a character and ambiance-driven story, taking Cara through a sampling of Joni's world. This is endearing and strong plot-wise on its own right.
Character  development- I really am quite fond of Cara. She is tough and principled. I think that you develop her quite well, and I like that she is not introduced at the very beginning. The New Zealand scenes are, again, good deep characterisation. 
Palmer, I was on the fence about. In a sense, he was so evil that he came out as a bit of an exaggeration.
I am still undecided about some of the other characters. Stephen is an interesting character, but I still cannot judge him, and the characters in NZ are still a bit inchoate. None of this is bad, it is just not enough for me to make a determination.
Ambiance- I thought, again, that you do very well in this regard, both in showing the world of the cycle couriers and NZ. I wanted more of both worlds and would have read further.
The writing is, again beautiful in places. I was not looking for typos, but none jumped up and bit me.
All in all, I think you have a good start, but I would want you to spend more time in London before moving on. The issues with Palmer's crimes are a mayor stumbling block for me, and I do hope you consider dealing with it in order to strengthen plot.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

This is very good. I could feel it. The riding in the bike, the crowed gathering around the accident scene. Very good. Many stars!

Masterfully written, a pleasure to read such a professional piece of work.

Hi Lambert.

I was skimming the site for reads and bumped up against Revolution Earth. In all sincerity (not autho platiude) it's really well written. The pace and the structure is spot on. The language restrained yet intelligent. So I read beyond the prologue up to chapter three. I think the thing that grabs me about it is the sophistication. There are so many disperate characters introduced and drawn in a short space of time yet all feel utterly real and believable. There has clearly been some serious and attentive editing going on here?

As for the opening to the story, I like to think I come with a more critical eye than most. About ten years ago, during the summer hols away from Uni I used to head to London and cycle courier, stay at a mates place and work for a company called travel logistics based out of the Carson Wagon Lit offices in Holborn and Finsbury Circus. It was by far the best job I've ever had. You've nailed the feeling perfectly (either there has been some serious research or you have first hand experience), the way a courier once their body adapts to the physical punishment, atunes completely to their environment, reading the road and the surroundings with hieghtened perception. excellent. I'm a wee bit envious. i've always though a courier would make a great character but shyed away from it because I felt it would be really hard to convey the sense of freedom etc of being part of the humming thrumming city. Well done. oh and the other characters. the world weary copper. Tariq.... I think this is on the WL, high stars and will defo take a spin on the shelf asap.

Cheers D.

Long overdue PLC review

Fascinating roll back view here as you rewind back from the fatal accident to view the myriad trails towards it. Love the introduction and then the muscular writing towards the accident. I'm not sure about the chatter betwen the eco-rider and the policeman, it kinda hints of contrivance, and yes I know that any story is a contrivance by its nature but the art is to hide that fact, which you generally do in the other parts of the manuscript.

You've good phrasing, very good description of bikes and rider mechanics and a nicely controlled narrative drive written in an easy professional style.

This is a great story with a strong and timely theme with which readers will readily identify. Having read the entire book, I intend to review it more thoroughly on another forum. What I can say here is that the writer is clearly a competent wordsmith.
I love the imagery. There are some moments of literary delight. However, the manuscript would benefit from competent copy editing. In particular, there are many instances of incorrect paragraphing of dialog and tags that create confusion as to who is speaking and who is reacting. There are also some trivial but irritating errors of punctuation, wording and formatting.
A good continuity editor would, I suspect, pick up on some inconsistencies of characterisation and, more significantly, credibility issues. These are minor problems that can be quite easily remedied, but need to be addressed before product commercialization stage.
The major issue for me was the overall complexity. While switching POV is often effective, it took away the tension in many places. The constant switching of location and POV created confusion at times and the number of characters and locations overwhelmed. I felt that some characters were under-developed, so that they were really just names and I couldn't identify with them, but other characters were developed for seemingly no good reason. (e.g. the truck driver, whose personal story seemed to me to have no real relevance to the story). Constant switching left me questioning who certain characters were and struggling to recall where I had been introduced to them before and where the writer had last left them.
I found the story hard to follow at times. I found myself wondering what was happening, and although the purpose of a scene generally became clear later, the confused feeling I had up to the point where there was a sudden revelation of purpose detracted.
This is a story with a highly emotive theme and a clear thriller plot, yet I felt it failed to elicit emotion and the thrill was missing. I am sure this can be easily remedied with a strong edit, as the plot is well developed and offers all the ingredients for a story that is both emotive and thrilling. It is written by a highly capable wordsmith and the writing clearly has literary merit. I think what is needed is some simplification and a little more clarity of Cara's purpose.
I suspect it would be helpful to identify the hook at the start of each scene and the thrust at the end of it, to ensure that readers are propelled forward sitting on the edge of their seat, as they should when reading a thriller.
I think you need to be more direct in stating Cara's motives and intentions and more diligent in bringing her to life as a character driven by passionate belief, and willing to stake everything to achieve her goal. On the other hand, I think the overall theme is hammered a little and the message needs to be softened. (Sorry if that sounds contradictory)
In your pitch, you ask ''Can Stephen reach Cara in time?", yet in the story we have Stephen engaging in leisurely sex with Ginny, apparently completely unconcerned with Cara's safety, and questioning whether or not he still has feelings for Cara. Then, there he is suddenly trying to rescue Cara again, and I questioned how he came to even be there when a moment ago he was making love to someone else in a far away motel room, seemingly disinterested in Cara's activities.
For me, the density of narrative and description and constant changes of location and POV reduced the tension, and left me wanting more excitement. The end felt flat, because I really wasn't able to connect with Cara sufficiently to care about what happened to her.
Overall, though, this was an enjoyable read and I found myself trying to commit some of the delightful literary phrases to memory. I am confident a strong edit and some minor rewriting would produce a superb and highly marketable work.
RaineyC
The Pencil Case

This is a great story with a strong and timely theme with which readers will readily identify. Having read the entire book, I intend to review it more thoroughly on another forum. What I can say here is that the writer is clearly a competent wordsmith.
I love the imagery. There are some moments of literary delight. However, the manuscript would benefit from competent copy editing. In particular, there are many instances of incorrect paragraphing of dialog and tags that create confusion as to who is speaking and who is reacting. There are also some trivial but irritating errors of punctuation, wording and formatting.
A good continuity editor would, I suspect, pick up on some inconsistencies of characterisation and, more significantly, credibility issues. These are minor problems that can be quite easily remedied, but need to be addressed before product commercialization stage.
The major issue for me was the overall complexity. While switching POV is often effective, it took away the tension in many places. The constant switching of location and POV created confusion at times and the number of characters and locations overwhelmed. I felt that some characters were under-developed, so that they were really just names and I couldn't identify with them, but other characters were developed for seemingly no good reason. (e.g. the truck driver, whose personal story seemed to me to have no real relevance to the story). Constant switching left me questioning who certain characters were and struggling to recall where I had been introduced to them before and where the writer had last left them.
I found the story hard to follow at times. I found myself wondering what was happening, and although the purpose of a scene generally became clear later, the confused feeling I had up to the point where there was a sudden revelation of purpose detracted.
This is a story with a highly emotive theme and a clear thriller plot, yet I felt it failed to elicit emotion and the thrill was missing. I am sure this can be easily remedied with a strong edit, as the plot is well developed and offers all the ingredients for a story that is both emotive and thrilling. It is written by a highly capable wordsmith and the writing clearly has literary merit. I think what is needed is some simplification and a little more clarity of Cara's purpose.
I suspect it would be helpful to identify the hook at the start of each scene and the thrust at the end of it, to ensure that readers are propelled forward sitting on the edge of their seat, as they should when reading a thriller.
I think you need to be more direct in stating Cara's motives and intentions and more diligent in bringing her to life as a character driven by passionate belief, and willing to stake everything to achieve her goal. On the other hand, I think the overall theme is hammered a little and the message needs to be softened. (Sorry if that sounds contradictory)
In your pitch, you ask ''Can Stephen reach Cara in time?", yet in the story we have Stephen engaging in leisurely sex with Ginny, apparently completely unconcerned with Cara's safety, and questioning whether or not he still has feelings for Cara. Then, there he is suddenly trying to rescue Cara again, and I questioned how he came to even be there when a moment ago he was making love to someone else in a far away motel room, seemingly disinterested in Cara's activities.
For me, the density of narrative and description and constant changes of location and POV reduced the tension, and left me wanting more excitement. The end felt flat, because I really wasn't able to connect with Cara sufficiently to care about what happened to her.
Overall, though, this was an enjoyable read and I found myself trying to commit some of the delightful literary phrases to memory. I am confident a strong edit and some minor rewriting would produce a superb and highly marketable work.
RaineyC
The Pencil Case

This is an interesting story – I like the way it is told from more than one POV (not surprisingly for me). Good dialogue, scene and character descriptions are concise and it moves at a good pace. I like the fact that it changes location – always works well in this genre. I like that the murdered woman is gay also. This is a great holiday read and I think it could easily find a publisher. Good luck. It is on my W/L and will shelve.

Hi Alison this is a BHCG review

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum

The Prolog was an interesting taste and did what one of these is expected to do—take a side view of the story that isn’t going to necessarily appear in the chapters. In this case, I think the theme is about motion. I don’t know who the man is, aside from it can’t be Tariq, but he has a purpose.

Starting with the accident was an immediate hook. The victim is first personalized so she gets empathy. The first impact is shown later and this is where the suspicion of deliberate murder might eventually come to Stephen, if he should get to hear of it.

The New Zealand part is very interesting, but I don’t see how this connects with the blurb introducing the book. What is the gain from this, aside from better knowledge of Jonie?


Pacing – too much backstory or too little

Just the right balance here. I particularly liked Tariq with his history. It melded beautifully with his pain over the death of Jonie.

Characters/Characterization

Very distinct characters with distinct voices. I thought Jonie’s mom was very well shown without becoming a caricature of a bigot. I’m not sure I buy Stephen falling for Cara. The body language would be all wrong and a gay person isn’t able to turn a switch and become hetero unless they are bi.

Point of View/Voice

The omniscient POV works like a dream until the dialog starts. At that point it becomes a challenge to guess who is talking. It might be an idea to put the dialog tag before the dialog.

I enjoy more than one POV character, although used to more formal treatment of the perspective with section breaks. I can see this style works for this particular book.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Yes, it was interesting and I read to the end of the submission. I can see a lot of research has gone into the book.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc

Nothing really jumped out at me aside from the need to move the dialog tags to the front of the dialog when jumping into another head. It would make for a smoother read.

Dialogue
No problems here.

Originality
I don’t read a lot of thrillers so can’t really answer that one.

Publishability
Some ends need tidying up. See below.


If Stephen and Cara are so near the scene of the crash, why are they not hearing the sirens? Surely this rider would be the one to take the package, assuming it isn’t covered with blood and brains and anything from the scene of a crime can be removed without express permission from the attending police.

In Chapter three the package has been delivered by Jonie, which is a contradiction to Tariq’s instructions for another rider to pick it up after she was knocked down.

She loved kids. Dogs. Animals. She loved me. ## Tense slip. This could be corrected by having the last thought in italics.

Earlier in the chapters Cara had followed her father’s choice and started doing Mech Eng. She had only left him when she ditched that, after constructing her own bike from the knowledge gained. A degree in Mech Eng isn’t usually started until around 18.

Hope this helps. Thanks for a very entertaining morning.

I especially like the image of the boddhisatva on adrenaline and rock and roll...

A professional read, enough that I dropped in to Amazon to buy it. I will read the whole thing at leisure.
Backed, but since it's published, maybe it no longer matters to you. Marj.

{Revolution Earth} – Alison/Lambert Nagle

What struck me first when I started reading was the beautiful way in which you draw the reader into feeling the location we’re in. By this I don’t just mean great descriptions, but also the tone of voice. The rich prose beckons, the sentences roll smoothly into the next. There is a delicate balance struck between melancholic reflection in some points, and active and compelling in others.

On the note of descriptions, there are just two that I really want to point out because I loved!

In the first chapter - ‘Deeper red than wine, sticky and heavy, her blood spreads a ruby pool into the colourless oily dust, gluing her tawny hair to the ground of which, scant seconds ago, she was the speeding queen.’

Also, I’m not sure if this was deliberate, but I like how in the prelude you begin with the description of the sky as ‘tungsten blue’ and then at the end of the first chapter, you mention ‘uncaring blue skies’. It made the image feel complete, and added to the rhythm of the piece… a sort of cyclic continuity.

In the third chapter… also not sure if this was deliberate but ‘blushed crimson to the roots of his cropped curls’ made me smile because of the alliteration!


The structuring of the story going back in time is nice and effective, gradually building up complexity to the characters and plot, but in a more original way. It also means you begin with the tension, always great to grab the attention of the reader. There was one slight thing with the transition in chapter 1, for a moment I thought Cara might have been the one who died, but I quickly realized this obviously wasn’t the case. Maybe a small point on the transitions; when you have the place and time, you could perhaps put in italics beneath it how many hours earlier? Just a minor thought to ensure complete clarity in the reader’s mind.

Anyway all in all, great premise and terrific stuff so far! I hope to come back soon and best of luck till then!
Have a lovely day and thanks so much for your comment too!! :)

Cara

(This is my Amazon review. Thought I would add it here too. I'm reviewing on 'feel'. I may well return when I have read in full. Here is my little review of your eBook version.)

Revolution Earth: The book is full of rich and enticing description. It drew me in from word one. There is so much happening that the reader has to learn to slow down and savour each new paragraph. Then the story begins to take over.

I found myself stopping half-way through chapter one and beginning all over again, just to get the pace of my reading right. And the rewards are great.

I have dipped in and out, but this is one book I will save for best.

Surely there's a movie in here?

I will be back.

This is a BHCG review.

I do not read literary fiction, but I do enjoy a good thriller, so my review will be somewhat biased. I will try my best to give useful comments based on my personal preference in reading, which is not necessarily a reflection of your work.

Plot – interesting potential
Pacing – jumpy and confusing
Characters/Characterization – average
Point of View/Voice – jumpy and confusing
Description – good, but too much
Style – not for me
Dialogue – good
Originality – I didn’t get far enough

I didn’t grasp the point of the prelude, I think the story could have done without it. The first paragraph of the first chapter had me confused as it seemed to be written in second person narrative and I thought I was reading another prelude. I was thrown again when the present tense narrative was replaced with past tense – then I figured out that this might be due to the fact that the story is written in reverse chronological order. While the description and backstory lent authenticity to the story, I felt that it was a little too much. The backward time device did not work for me. I know it is a popular device these days, but unless it improves the story, I think it should be abandoned. The story would be a lot easier to follow if it was in chronological order. I lost track of the time frame in chapter four and then when the next chapter jumped forward six months, it really threw me off – trying to figure out what happened when, and why. Although the idea of an oil company conspiracy is very intriguing, I just didn’t feel the sense of urgency or of a concrete goal. While the political beliefs of the characters are somewhat admirable – I found it to be a little too much – it started to sound like preaching. The philosophy to plot ratio in this story did not fit my personal taste. Chapter five – are we still six months later? I read until the end of chapter 6. I felt that the story in London was left undone and then we are thrown into a new place – New Zealand. I hope some of my opinions will be useful.

Phil Nova

This is a very exciting read. Keeps the attention and the want to turn the pages. Your diction is superb, putting the reader right into the story and the background. I'm definitely coming back to read more. Congratulations on an excellent story.

BHCG. Revolution Earth. By Lambert Nagle. 17/05/2012.

For me, the technical aspects of the writing plus the opening chapter led me to reach chapter 2 without any comments; which is unusual. So I started again. I enjoyed the enforced slow reading pace, easy and interrupted. Good background knowledge of places, people and mechanics. Obviously your vocabulary is greater than mine; I had to hit the dictionary a few times.
SP. Okay for me.
LP.
1). After noting your style/prose I think the word 'Rookie' is out of place here.
2). Two 'him' words close together. 'When Cara catches him/to confront him.
3). A little overstated that our 'Rookie Detective' is attempting to solve a murder. Isn't he part of (low level part) a team?
4). Sentence. 'As a publicity stunt at a major oil refinery goes wrong.' You may want to rewrite the sentence, especially with some explanation as to ' The Target.'

Chapter 1.
1). Jouncing? Had to look that up.
2). I couldn't work out what you were implying regarding the movie extra threading through the jungle. (Concrete jungle?).
3). Had to look up 'bodhishatta.' Didn't help much. (That's my problem – not yours).
4). The sudden switch from Jonie's death to the introduction of characters is okay as long as they and their traits feature later, advance the story and/or are related in some way. Those three paras (prior to Tuesday 2.40) give me slight problems because I don't know whether I should remember the details.
5). Gamine?
6). Not sure about the inclusion of Heather Mills and the Scouse guy. Seems unnecessarily intrusive. What are you trying to convey.
(Maybe I'm missing things here due to my lack of understanding. If so, I apologise.).
7). When you mention Ireland, is this the Republic or Northern Ireland?
8). The PC's 'pointed helmet' comes way below the hairline (I think).
9). I'm not too attracted to someone who lives on lentils and 'baccy.' (Just a personal view.).

General. Had to go back to LP to check out the MC. Seems as if Stephen is MC followed closely by Cara.


Chapter 2.
1). I'm not going to check your time-lines as I am sure you have done this.
2). 'That room.' As the room has not been mentioned before maybe, 'The Room.'
3). Maybe, The single, unwashed window...'
4). 'Sometime back about then. (Doesn't flow too well.).
5). 'Dusty filing cabinets, etc, etc (maybe too many objects) made the small space claustrophobic (or something like that.)
6). I didn't think 'chapatis ' were greasy. Naans are. Lentils again. Maybe this office would be a little smelly. 'Old discarded...(Old is redundant.).
7). 'In this traffic.' (Maybe, city traffic.).
8).If Tariq is Muslim he would not say 'My God.'
9). Do you need to mention the VOIP connection? It doesn't relate to hopeful & wheedling.
10). Emporia? (Quaint word.).
11). Maybe try a word count on the complete MS for 'was.'
12). Robobank?
13). I don't think you would be allocated a Psychiatrist following an accident. Maybe a Clinical Psychologist.
14). I getting a distinct impression that you are a 'bike person.' If so, don't overplay it.
15). Peloton?
16). APB?

Chapter 3.
1). Hail-fellow-well-met. Awful cliché.
2). Threateningly lengthy. (Maybe, long, threatening silence.).
3). If you are aiming at International readership be careful of referring to local celebrities and English custom.
4). If there is an oval rosewood table feature, why is the Victorian sideboard incongruous?
5). 'Call the help desk rich.' This completely threw me as I thought you had made a mistake by naming Palmer next.
6). Richard Sloan speak?
7). 'Flip-chart.' ('pad' is redundant.
8). 'hard earned folding.' Language seems out of place.
9). 'Believing he was unobserved...' (Maybe, unaware of being observed.).
10). African. (maybe Afro-Caribbean).
11). Meter maid – a bit derogative – or Parking Warden. One or the other, not both.
12). Hitting the woman. Hard to believe.
13). Ginny saw lots of things at once; The whites of her eyes (from at least first floor level), both hands at same time operating brakes, description of Parking Warden's bruised face.
14). An GL500. (A GL500).
15). 'I have the number two...' If the window is up how can Joni hear him?
16). Afternoon rush hour. (2.45?).

Quite a few bits and pieces there guys. However, you seem to have a sound MS and have some really good feedback from others on site. And I did like the first Chapter as it gave me an initial good read. The fact that I read Chapter 1 and forgot to comment indicates (to me) that this book has been edited, proofed and rewritten. This requires lots of hard work, something I respect. So really, you have everything going for you. I suppose it is a matter of 'Keep going and one day...

Chris. Different Victims

BHCG review
Plot: got as far as Ch4. I admit to being a bit confused by the title of the work - it made me pay more attention to Cara and her eco-warrior commentary but it didn't seem to relate to the plot to date, which appears to be about a ruthless man murdering a girl. I'm guessing there may be the kind of literary overtone where this is a metaphor for the way big oil and so forth act against the environment, but to ch4 at least I wasn't sure what I was reading and I was getting worried that I was going to be treated to a polemic where all the climate deniers are ruthless nasty evil people and the eco-warriors are good. I'd have to read more to find out how this all pans out, but I wasn't feeling overly comfortable with the narrative voice.
Mostly the flow was good, in the sense of description and action, dialogue etc - I felt some scenes were perhaps overly long, some a lot shorter but just as important and cutting between viewpoints was a bit confusing, particularly where we go back in time to Jonie prior to the accident - took me a few moments after reading that section to put it all together.

characters - on the whole Cara is well realised, if you intended the reader to follow Steve's impression of her as middle class reading the eco stuff from a script. Palmer is a baddie cliche so far with nothing at all positive about him - totally one-dimensional, which is probably what got me worried about the possibility of a polemic. i suppose there are people like that in the world but I don't find him particularly believable - his lack of remorse, no relief that he got off lightly, very little obvious emotion. He didn't convince me.
Tariq has a lot of potential, he has a past, he has a family, a small business, he cares - he is easily the most believable of your characters.
Stephen hasn't really seen enough action yet for me to get a sense of him. If he's a major character, perhaps some more from his pov in the early chapters would be good.

POV. Nowadays this seems to be a taste thing. Dan Brown does what you do and he's a bestseller. Personally, however, I don't like writing that jumps POV in the middle of a paragraph, that gets inside someone's head and then jumps to someone else's POV instantly. I like the multiple POVs fine, but personally would prefer to see one POV per section.

style. perhaps because of the POV thing I'm not completely convinced. I think you could shorten some sections. I do like your descriptive passages. Some telling rather than showing, especially when you suddenly gave us brief backstories for Cara and Jonie - that felt very contrived to me.

grammar - mostly fine. Others have picked up odds and ends.

dialogue. Some good stuff here, between Stephen and Cara early on. Believable mostly, though the whole scene in the boardroom felt like it came out of a movie rather than real life - again, Palmer just seemed too nasty to be believable, and Richard too naive to be there.

Originality - don't know, mostly because reading to ch4 hasn't given me enough to see what this is. Crime/thriller with eco overtones perhaps?

Publishability - I think it has potential and would be worth polishing.

Chris.

seven stars for this, i have rated it.

Isoje David

Animals in Paradise

I am awfully afraid, as I commence this review that I may not be the best for that task as so much of the book deals with locales and terminology with which I am not familiar. Even everyday expressions are utterly foreign as I navigate and yet as I see Palmer, who is less upset having caused Jonie's death as he is with his own loss of mobility, I recognize an almost universal type of person who has still not learned that it is better to impress clients with yourself than to rely on the impression offered by your car.

I do believe that here you have artfully cast Cara, Jonie, Tariq, (interesting name that I know only as Egyptian) and Palmer to the point in chapter 6 where I am reading now, although I have not felt that same accuracy in the tension surrounding this seemingly 'random' death of Jonie. I think that you have to let us into Palmer's head earlier. Oblique shifts in POV are startling until the reader get into the chapters.

On the whole, I believe that 'Revolution Earth' may do better with readers familiar with British and British Empire readers as the action shifts to the southern hemisphere from the streets of Britain.

So, why am I backing the book. Well...it is well written and the story intricately crafted. I also see that you are listed as incomplete, with the 15 chapters posted. 100,000 words? That is just inside where I would expect this story to fall in length given the complexity of the pitch and so the finished work will encompass 300+ pages. I am thinking that another 100 pages or so wouldn't kill me and might give you an opportunity to 'paint in' more of the scenery. This is something that you have already started and that works but we need more. (What does the street smell like to Jonie just before the freight train of her life's memories recedes into the darkness? Tell me about Palmer's Benz. Is it waxed? Is there 'Armor All' on the wheel making it slippery? etc.) I personally, like that background feeling as though I am present as a voyeur as the action takes place, feeling the tactile chthonic shifts just as the characters do. So. put me in these scenes, Lambert. Make me a part of the story as you breathe life into this plot and these people.

Thanks for letting me read. 5 stars for now.

G’day, dear friend.

On 27/APR/12, I opened a new Forum top: DOWN-UNDER WRITERS OF DISTINCTION.

I said in the very first posting:

“I've so far found one other Australian writer here in Anthonomy (and living in Brisbane like me too).
No doubt there a lot more of them; and if they would like to say: "G'day! Howyergoin.." They will be most welcome here.

I am pleased to say that this topic was very well received from Day 1. Since then, with the help of some keen members, we have been able to produce a list (Including Aussies and Kiwis) of 25 DOWN UNDER writers. And to date we have clocked 6,366 views and 350 replies.

Now that’s an excellent start. But just getting to know one-another is but the beginning.

What I’m really aiming for, is for all us DOWN-UNDER members to do what we can to help each other – knowing, that from beginners to existing successful authors, we all need a bit of support, a bit help, a bit of encouragement, now-and-again.

May I ask you please to do something for me?

First, I’d like you to confirm that you are happy (or not – shudder...)to be listed in DOWN-UNDER MEMBERS OF DISTINCTION.

Second, I’d like you to tell us if you think we are moving in the right direction?

Third: Should you happen to have a space on your book shelf, to take at look at our DOWN-UNDER writers first, before going elsewhere.

Thank you, mate!

I shall be most pleased to see your reply.

Cheers!

KEN BLOWERS

Oh... And may I invite you, and your readers
and supporters, to take a look at my books:
6 books of short stories, and 5 books of one-act plays.
Plus QUOTE ME - a book of 1,000 daily quotations
ttp://www.authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/me/
Plus my hot topic: DOWN-UNDER WRITERS OF DISTINCTION
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/92659/downunder-writers-of-distinction-/
PS
The difference between a writer and a successful writer
is an ample tonic of support plus a good dose of publicity...

Chapter 6...What a beautiful picture you paint with your words. I would point out the ones I am talking about, but that would take a page! Time and again I will read a paragraph and think how lovely it is that you can so skillfully knit simple words into such vivid scenes. It's certainly a gift.

I am not a good reviewer - all I know is I can read something and get a feeling that makes me think - yes, this is a home-run. I think you've got a winner on your hands here.:) Ruby (p.s. I need a George in my life) xoxo

Hi, this is a (short, sorry) BHG crit.

Pitches - Good pitches, well written and very tempting.

Plot – A good one. Moves around the world, promising lots of action.

Writing (sentence level) – Very accomplished writing. Spare, not a wasted or unnecessary word. Completed to a high standard which is obvious from the first paragraph onward.

I liked the start – I’m a bit of a sucker for reflective prose, but.. it had something lurking behind it. Then we start with a speedy ride through Soho, and then the sickening accident. This typifies the book for me – that switch and combnation of the poetic and the gritty. I like that. The one highlights the other, and it also shows the ‘two sides of a coin’ that life often is.

I liked the fact the sections didn’t go on forever. Liked the terse headings of location and the immnediate dive in to the new situation. It’s a full on read that you need your attention for, but that’s ok, because it’s a pleasure.

Characterisation – From ‘pencil sketch’ to long standing character, these are well drawn and individual.

Dialogue – unstudied, natural, conveying character and story with no info-dump or self-consciousness.

Chapter 4 I’m up to now, and the writing here is excellent, as was the one before in fact. So much happening, a lot of subtext, but all handled so well, nothing overdone. The accident, just a tap on the accelerator and….. the grief of Cara in the next chapter.

I don’t have anything particular to pull out of this crit. No sage advice, no list of typos or errors to highlight. I think it’s a very impressive read, surely as close to being ready for submission as anything. So now I shall just star it, watchlist it and shelve it when a space comes up.

Can’t say fairer than that.

Cariad.

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I love the imagery of the prologue, and appreciate how it has me looking for further signs of how we humans have left our mark on the earth—how far we’ve walked. Interesting device.

The scene with Tariq—a man from a relatively primitive background who has been damaged in the city—further emphasizes the question asked in the prologue. People are desperate to reach civilization, yet those living in it become damaged. His very real pain at hearing one of his riders is down links these ideas effectively.

I’m struggling at the start of ch. 3. I can’t seem to connect the woman’s daydreaming and the dialog and the man’s presentation. It helped me tremendously when I realized that Richard and Palmer were two men, not one. (I don’t have the benefit of automatically knowing what all the school ties signify, though I have a pretty good idea.) I am suitably shocked when he strikes the traffic warden, though it seems odd that he has an unpracticed swing. I would have thought he’d strike with more precision, and of course now I know he’s going to run Jonie down. I hope the complexity of the accident (him punching the woman, then Jonie gouging his paint job, then him finding her and hitting her) will prove to have some purpose, otherwise it’s too darn involved.

Characters/Characterization
I’m a middle-aged conservative Christian woman who adores food, so Cara comes across as a bit comical to me, munching her food as mere fuel and spouting naïve pronouncements on those who earn a living. The cigarette was the icing on the cake for me, as it fits with my experience of the holier-than-thou. When Stephen considers her accent I also get the impression there’s something artificial about her beliefs. OK! Enough politics from me; that’s not what you’re here for. Unless you intended me to find her naïve or artificial, in which case, way to go!!

On the other hand, Cara’s concern for the earth does connect the reader to the prologue, particularly with the focus on petroleum products.

Tariq intrigues me and comes across as far more authentic than Cara. He clearly wants to help his family but isn’t sure coming to London is the best way to help. He cares for his workers to the point that he feeds them lentils—I wondered how long we humans have been eating lentils, and sure enough my research tells me it was one of the earliest domesticated crops. An elegant and meaningful touch.

Point of View/Voice
Worked for me. If you are headed where I think you are headed, the multiple points of view will help craft a much more meaningful story.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Your style is quite literary which definitely works for me; your writing is dense enough to slow me down so that I can savor the words, the characters, and the setting.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
It’s not often that I read a manuscript whose writer appears to have carefully chosen his words. Your diction is marvelous. Using tungsten for the color of the sky suggests not only how hot the day, but how far this culture is from melting tungsten.

Your writing also has cadence and rhythm (stolen from your own words) that makes this book a pleasure to read.

A phrase that didn’t work for me: “…gluing her tawny hair to the ground of which, scant seconds ago, she was the speeding queen.” What about, “..gluing her tawny hair to the ground which, scant seconds ago, she sped across so confidently.” Though you would choose a better word. What about, “she sped across with confidence.” But it may well be me.

I like the way you link the filthy window with Tariq’s inability to use a more earth-friendly bulb.

You’ve got peddling where you want pedaling.

Dialogue
Very well done. I believe the conversation Cara has with Stephen and fully believe their growing curiosity about one another.

Other reviewers have already noted your tendency to have Stephen talk and then move directly to Cara’s thought/actions or vice/versa. I’m imagine that’s already repaired in the copy on your computer.

The dialog at the top of Chapter 3 is a bit muddled for me.

Originality
I have no idea how original this is. On the other hand, I can say with confidence that it is timely, which is probably more important.

Publishability
I think yes.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

REVOLUTION EARTH

I’ve read the complete upload and would definitely have wanted to read on, had there been more.
What this book seems to be about is in the title; everything done in one part of the world will have an effect on another.

I like the way you’ve painted the characters of Jonie (what we learn about her after her death) and Carla, what they stand for and the dismissive way other people feel about their viewpoints. I’m with Carla in her need to ‘find’ Jonie by going to the places she went to; discovering her through her past. I thought it really poignant that just before she was killed, Jonie was thinking about her red dress – it seemed to symbolise the potential for life, for fun, that was being snuffed out by one selfish man’s act of petulant revenge.

Also, the last of her energy keeping the wheel turning, which Carla then seems to take up in her own quest to bring the revolution full-turn.

Stephen and Tariq are a pair of interesting characters. We learn a bit about Tariq’s background and motivation, but Stephen seems to be a blank slate. We don’t really know anything about him apart from the fact he fancies Carla. But from the brief sketching of any interaction between Stephen and Carla, I never really got a sense of them, whereas I get a real sense of the genuine feelings between Tariq and Carla.

There are lots of characters and motivations to digest: the ‘hippies’ – what’s going on there? I was intrigued by the fact they seemed to have gone out and ‘found’ Jonie, whereas Carla came to them voluntarily. Horrible Greg Palmer and Ginny. Richard. A great big melting pot of a plot.

I would never have known this was written by two different writers, cleverly done. The only thing I found a bit jarring from time to time was the ‘in chapter’ jumps in POV without any defined separation.

There are so many threads going on up to the point the upload on autho. ends, I would really like to read more to find out how it all ties together. Thanks for a great read.

Tracey

Another BHCG review. Alison, this is a book with a theme dear to my heart, so if these criticisms seem harsh it's because I truly want to see this book taken up by an editor and promoted internationally. However, at the moment, it just does not have that unique sparkle it needs to get there.
Your writing is uneven - in places, observant and fresh, but too often uninspired and 'worthy', not gripping. Your characters come to life in random sentences but also struggle with stereotyping, especially Cara.
Here are some notes:
Sorry - the prologue put me right off. It was too generic and portentous in tone. Made me feel I was being preached at, rather than let into a deep secret. Does not link to cha 1-15 at all.

ch 1: Jonie weaves through traffic like a movie extra threads through jungle' - had to stop and think about this. Is 'threads' a misprint for 'treads'? How does a movie extra tread or thread through a jungle? Is that a literal jungle or the jungle of Hollywood? And isn't Jonie rather an expert cyclist? A movie extra would probably be stumbling and looking terrified, unlike her? This simile completely threw me; I stopped concentrating on the story and character.
Similar effect of the bodhishattva metaphor - too distracting to be helpful, I had to stop and have a think about how this oxymoron applied to her, meanwhile forgot what she was doing.
The sentence that begins 'Sinuous tracks....' does not work for me, it's too convoluted when it should pack a punch. It might be better to say 'The sinuous tracks...' so we know for sure they are the subject of the verb 'disappear'.
I like 'The last of her energy spins the wheel'
The three paragraphs with the snapshots of the observers give us too much information. At this moment of crisis, we don't need to know all these superfluous facts about all these strangers. The focus needs to be on Jonie, who we've only just met - is she dead? Is she conscious of the observers? Their reactions might be better revealed in some shocked, fragmented dialogue. We just can't follow all these other stories right now.
Stephen - do we need to know all about his Irish roots, his mother and her synchronised swimming at this stage? I want to know what the story is - I've lost Jonie, so am looking for someone else to get interested in. Do you want me to follow Stephen now? Or Cara, who is so ideologically correct she is a turn-off, in spite of her perky body etc. At this point I am wondering, if this was a film, how could all this be done in just a couple of lines of dialogue, not a lecture?
'spiky' not 'spikey'
If Stephen is wearing a helmet, would she really be able to see his red gold hair with the Celtic heritage?
'A promo on ecological righteousness' - exactly, and irritating as hell. Why do we need this ,when even she admits it's a lecture?
like 'the joyless munching of people for whom food is fuel' - are we supposed to think Cara is joyless?
ch 5: 'Cara was self-righteously pleased that he rolled his own' - are we really meant to dislike her as heartily as the omniscient narrator seems to? This could be a chance to give us one of her engaging weaknesses - 'Cara gave him a cheeky wink as he got out his tobacco to roll a fag - tobacco was, after all , a gift of nature' - might make me feel she has a sense of humour and is only human.
Ch 6: like your descriptions of the North Island landscapes, the whales breaching 'with a spray like miniature galaxies'
Ch 7: 'cripples don't want to pee too often - nice observation. Uncomfortable with the dialogue in this scene - it creaks the plot along, just about, but never comes to life.
Ch 8: watch out for a few dropped quotation marks at end of speech.
ch 12: the raid on the battery farm - the story needs more hard-hitting detail like this to lift it above the 'usual green banter' - specifics, not generic environmental vagueness.:
Your central idea is great - an envronmental thriller, with romantic interest - but it needs wittier, sparer dialogue, deeper insight into the main characters, more humour, and more hard-hitting detail. A lot to ask! But hope this criticism will enable you to get to better and better drafts. It took me fifteen years to write 'Dollywagglers' and I am still rewriting. Best of luck - Frances.

YARG REVIEW

I think what you've attempted is ambitious. I like the opening. It feels literary and this is welcome when the reader knows a thriller is what is in store. I also like the next section with a variety of characters lending breadth and atmosphere to the background scene. You pick up pace in later chapters and the dilemmas are well drawn. I was not sure about the change in pov between Palmer and Jonie, I am not sure now that it works. However, it's a good dramatic set of events and the characters are mainly convincing in their reactions.
Overall, well written and with confidence. Just be careful with pov so that the reader stays really where you want him. Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

REVOLUTION EARTH
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: a girl on a bicycle killed by a Mercedes. I like the way you then switch to a light hearted chapter to introduce Carey. She’s very likable because of her many opinions. Then we’re back again to the accident and realize Jonie was Cara’s friend. Nice contrast in tone. You have a second good character in Stephen. He’s a good contrast to Carey; much more stable. I also like the way you freeze scenes in time so you can describe small details about them; a less talented writer would bog down his story with those; you use the technique to make the street and the shops and everything going on seem real. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

REVOLUTION EARTH
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: a girl on a bicycle killed by a Mercedes. I like the way you then switch to a light hearted chapter to introduce Carey. She’s very likable because of her many opinions. Then we’re back again to the accident and realize Jonie was Cara’s friend. Nice contrast in tone. You have a second good character in Stephen. He’s a good contrast to Carey; much more stable. I also like the way you freeze scenes in time so you can describe small details about them; a less talented writer would bog down his story with those; you use the technique to make the street and the shops and everything going on seem real. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

REVOLUTION EARTH
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: a girl on a bicycle killed by a Mercedes. I like the way you then switch to a light hearted chapter to introduce Carey. She’s very likable because of her many opinions. Then we’re back again to the accident and realize Jonie was Cara’s friend. Nice contrast in tone. You have a second good character in Stephen. He’s a good contrast to Carey; much more stable. I also like the way you freeze scenes in time so you can describe small details about them; a less talented writer would bog down his story with those; you use the technique to make the street and the shops and everything going on seem real. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Revolution Earth - A Phoenix Literary Club review

I have read the first five chapters and this is a summary of my thoughts up to this point.

The prologue is well written and serves its purpose as a "teaser" but once I'd got well into the main narrative I found I'd forgotten it completely. I only remembered it when I went back to the beginning to check something, which makes me wonder if it serves any purpose.

I'm afraid I belong to the "choose a point of view and stick with it" school; so I tend to come down hard on "head hopping". In the scene in Chapter 1 with Cara and Stephen, I would prefer to stick with one PoV rather than comstantly jump back and forth between them like a tennis match. In the other chapters you mostly remain with one POV, only briefly going on an excursion to another character's head when the plot requires it, which is probably okay; but in the Cara-Stephen scene I found it particularly off putting.

I like the fact that some of the scenes are not in chronological order, especially that we go back to pick up Jonie before her accident: this is quite a daring thing to do and IMO you pull it off perfectly.

The characterisation: So far (five chapters in), Greg Palmer comes over as little more than a two-dimensional villain. You might get away with that in a straight-forward thriller, but in a novel labelled "Literary Fiction" even the villains need a redeeming side, or at least something that makes them three-dimensional. I am afraid that to me, Stephen appears to lack any real personality, too; he just kind of drifts in, says something pertinent to what's going on at that moment, and then drifts out again. I might have missed something, but considering (from reading your pitch) he is supposed to play a central role in the story, I think we need to get him a bit better established from the start. All the other characters are excellent.

Also, you clearly have an ecological message that you want to get over. Which is a fine and honourable thing to want to do, but please don't let it get in the way of the story. Most of your readers will be well aware that bicycles are better for the environment that gas-guzzling SUVs, so in a sense you are preaching to the converted and they might get iritated by being reminded about it all the time. People read a novel to be taken out of themselves, not for a lecture on the environment. There is a place for didactic literature, sure, but I think you have to be subtle. Having a character say "think of the greenhouse emissions from twenty two hours of 747 flight time" isn't realistic dialogue, to my mind.

Finally, I've only just discovered (from reading at your profile) that there are two of you. Believe me, I would never have guessed, because the authorial voice is so clear and consistent I was convinced that this novel had just a single author. So well done for that.

I hope you don't find my comments too negative. These are just the thoughts of one reader on a wet Saturday afternoon, and someone else would probably come to completely different conclusions. On the whole, I have to say I found more to like about "Revolution Earth" than to dislike. Good luck with it.

Best wishes and good writing, John.

Revolution Earth. A Phoenix LC continued read.

Ch.11. New Zealand again - goody!
That sentence 'he seemed to be keen to find out where he was going.' Would help if you said where Stephen was going.
Have I gone to sleep without realising it, or have you missed something out? I thought Waleed was merely a cab driver. Yet Stephen has a meal at his home, and ends up sleeping in the children's bedroom.
But the watcher in the street is an excellent hook.

Ch.12. 'The night wrapped itself round them ... scraps of starlight flickering in and out of existence.' Your descriptions are superb.
You're good at creating atmosphere and suspense, too. That scene with the chickens is vivid and dramatic. There's a moral in it somewhere.

Ch.13. I can see I should have read this book non-stop in one go. Ginny is confusing me again. But your green theme is coming through nice and clear, which is all that matters.

Ch.14. The threads are beginning to converge now, and in retrospect, I have a glimmer of understanding about the previous chapter. Forgive me. This is a congoluted plot, but well-constructed. It's just my brain which has gone to sleep.

Ch.15. Love that bit about Cara spotting Short Man Sundrome.
If anything, I think your scenes and chapters could do with being longer. The reader is just beginning to warm to and identify with a person and scene, when we're whisked off to somewhere else. But I know you have many threads to weave together.
The different boats sitting on, or in the water - I hadnt thought about it that way. Brilliant. I'm with Cara, exhilarated in the wind, but I prefer a sailing dinghy.
That's a very strong ending. More brilliance!

I want to read more! There are amny layers to your story, and you write well. Perhaps a bit more filling out, and slowing of the pace to accomodate slow-minded readers such as I?

Thankyou for your support of mine.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

The collaboration works. This is a beautifully written book. I imagine that collaborating produces a better product, but thinking about how difficult it might be baffles me. I did collaborate on a history book once, but found working with the other writer to be trying. Well, no matter. This is a good one. If you wouldn't mind sending me the manuscript, I would love to read all of it. Michael Arkin. markin2500 at aol dot com

Hi, this is a BHCG review.

You pull off a really fine trick in the first chapter, lulling me with some really pretty writing and then, just as I was starting to wonder where it was going, waking me up with a car accident. Perfectly timed, in my opinion. The second chapter is just as confident, introducing characters that appear strongly formed without the need of lots of detail and description that would detract from the overall feel. The writing kind of marches on and just sweeps the reader along with it. It takes no effort to read. Very polished, very professional.

This is a very polished manuscript. The writing is of a very high standard. I found no hiccups, clumsy phrases of poorly constructed sentences. It doesn't read like a collaboration, it feels like a solid and consistent whole, which seems to me like it would take some real effort on behalf the authors, so well done for that.

I have nothing negative to say about this book at all. Strong, confident and really, really good. The only criticism I have of the overall package is the use of 'or is it?' in the strap-line. Seems a bit weaker than everything else, and not quite in flavour with the rest of the writing. But that is a pretty minor criticism.

Hi,
This is a PLC review of Chapter One. From the beginning, it is obvious you are a very talented writer. I usually don't care for a lot of detail, but your pace moves at such a nice clip that it did not seem to bog me down too much. I didn't see the meaning behind the Prelude - perhaps this comes into play later?

As I read this first chapter, I was a bit confused as to who the narration was referring to, wondering if it might be a good idea to identify the rider a litle bit earlier? I think that would aid in increasing the reader's emotional interest in the character. The sentence that described her death seemed to be missing a word (possibly after open) or change 'flattens' to 'flattening'. Your writing is a thing of beauty. It is a little-drawn out in some areas, and imo, is slowed down by too much writing during the exchanges between the girl and policeman, but that is just my take on it. I wish I had your ability to flesh out a story so effortlessly. Please tell me you slaved over this for hours on end to produce such masterful sentences! Look forward to reading more, Ruby

Revolution Earth. A Phoenix LF read. I've been looking forward to coming back to your book, and will carry on where I left off over two months ago.

Ch.6. But first, I'll catch up from where I left off. You capture the New Zealand scene beautifully with your descriptive passages. 'A vast harbour dotted with islands ... another like a rough field snatched up by a giant from the South Downs and dropped carelessly in the water ... another ... you could smell before you saw it ...'
Sorry, cant help picking nits. You want to search out and eliminate unnecessary / vague words to make your story flow even better: obviously, actually, began ot, just.
Barb sure lives up to her name. The icy disapproval, like a slap of freezing sleet, is well portrayed.
I dont know where Cara slept the night, and am confused - until the very end of the chapter, when I gather it was in a tent.

Ch.7. Another nit: " 'Cheers,' Stephen said, stalling for time. He licked away the foaming moustache..." would be less confusing for the reader.
You're slipping between Stephen's and Tariq's viewpoints, too, which makes it even more unsettling.
Your dialogue rattles along naturally, though, and I'm there evesdropping, too.

Ch.8. Ah! Back in New Zealand.
Her bare feet seeming to take root as she stood - what a wonderful portrait of the Maori woman.
The plot is not advanced here, but a bit more backstory is revealed in homely fashion, and the family cameraderie is well portrayed.

Ch.9. I discern an inkling of intrigued and movement in the plot - but then you repeat yourself about Cara having Jonie's old cabin, and onwards. This chapter needs sorting out!

Ch.10. The pace quickens as we return to Steve and Tariq in London, but viewpoints also rapidly change, and the mysterious Penny keeps creeping in. I cant remember her. I know it's ages since I started your book, but maybe a judicious hint about her could jog a poor reader's memory?

I'll be back...!
Jane (Breath of Africa).

PLC Review:

Pitch

I have no idea why target is mentioned – I don’t think it is clear what the line with it in implies.

Prelude

I like your prelude very much. I did wonder though if gods was the right word and not spirits?

I read up to chapter 4

--- I think you might need to break to a new paragraph after ‘jouncing’ – you’ve gone I think from present tense to second voice.

I find your choice of narrator interesting. Certainly omniscient, at times distant to the action, yet other times it pulls the reader close to the action especially in your opening scenes. I thought you captured and nicely contrasted NT to Soho. The narrative comes across to me as very natural as does the dialogue.

I don’t have anything negative to say about this. It is well written, although I did wonder about the pacing, which is slowed down by the different povs reflecting on the accident.

This is a great book, written well with great descriptions. My favourite being the bit about the veggie - sorry vegan sandwich , in chapter one, and then lighting the cigarette, it was very well written.
Enjoyable read. Highly starred.
Junetee(Four Corners)