Backward Glances

PLEASE READ THIS*****
--- Some chapters are single spaced while others are double spaced. On my end, everything is aligned as it should, *sigh* something funky happened during the upload and I cannot find a way to correct it.
Thanks...

There are actually not that many authors who can write Young Adult fiction. Even some of the most successful mainstream writers have lost their edge when they turn to YA. Author Nancy Lopez could teach them a thing or two.

Backward Glances is perfectly paced for the YA market. The characters are very well fleshed-out and believable. The mystery is gripping. And there is a darkness, or even a sinister quality, to the work that is well-done and prevalent, yet never produces any gore or sexuality that would pull it away from being a YA title. It’s a perfect “just one more chapter before bed” type of read that easily lets time get away from you. That’s very important for YA, where attention spans are generally shorter.

Lopez also “talks” to readers as if they were adults. The story is sort of PG-13 by nature, but the author writes in an adult style. Readers won’t feel like they are being talked-down to or that they are reading a kiddie tale. That may be the biggest secret of how to write YA, but it’s one that Lopez certainly knows. Backward Glances should have no trouble finding an appreciative audience once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Hi Nancy; I fancied reading a slightly darker story than I have been lately and got it with this. I read the first two chapters here. Your story had a dark feel to it from the offset and you couldn't help but wonder what Mia had got herself into. Gabriel oozed the required charm and power whilst Redmond, absolute authority. I liked 'hauntel', what a great word and Mia's pounding on the floor in anger; you couldn't help but feel the rage. Chapter two and the introduction of the Von Vosses added that little something extra that all books require. Again, your descriptions were wonderful and I particularly liked 'shimmering pin-needles, a really good description of the distant lights.
I wish you well with this as it does have that little something extra about it.
Highly starred.
RMA
The Snow Lily

This is a fantastically fun read! I absolutley love it and cant wait for it to be published and available for all in bookstore shelves! Kudos to an awesome writer and world creator! Thank you tor uploading this. It was a pleasure to read.
Blessings and best wishes,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

Hi Nancy,
For the love of God, this is a book and a half. I am lost for damn words!Forgie my stupid swearing but I cant believe this book is still here! I really think it is among some of the few books that have character and life! I am without a doubt not letting it staying here! I am new at authonomy but believe in LOVING a book for what it is! I am watchlisting it and gave it six stars and when it finds a home on my shelf as it will soon, without a doubt I will be doing my duty!
I can see this in a big movie! Maybe because I dont watch enough movies but when I do, I would like it to be thiis.
What Mia gets in, I suppose I want to get in to!
Josphine.

Nancy, I just finished the first couple of chapters and I'm hooked. I love how much I'd going on in the first chapter especially. You do a great job of balancing action with internal dialogue. It's fast paced and interesting, and I feel connected with Amelia. I enjoy that it is set in the present so it's got one foot in fantasy and the other in reality.
It's a little hard to visualize her project in the first chapter until we find out what it does. I found myself skimming over those descriptions because I found it a bit confusing, but it made more sense once she told us about the lightning travel. Maybe you could mention that a little earlier on.
Overall, a very entertaining read. I look forward to seeing more.
Stacy

Return to read more… Well, was going to wait to read further but could not keep your story off my mind, so I read everything you have uploaded. What an imagination you have—you describe it all so well. Chilling yet intriguing. People who can enhance your memory or make you forget your existence…Children sold into servitude to their assigned masters. Headquarters in caves but Mia is to travel to Switzerland. Half Russian, half German doctor… Coven…that implies supernatural involvement, not just science, would it? Well, all I can say is a good job. Let me know if you upload more. Highly recommend your work…

Chapter 9:
In paragraph starting with “He laughed…” put comma before Amelia.
In paragraph starting with “Bread? Treat them…with respect? What the about me!” Not sure about ‘the’
In paragraph starting with “Money brings the person power[,] Mia…”

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Love story—symbolic approach to creation

Return to read more… Want to know what will happen next. I do like how you pick the most important moment from the chapter and place it at the top. Chapter 6 is where all the action starts, it feels like the first chapter, filled with excitement, only now there is disgust for the secret organization and its strange laws and rules… Mia is married because of the matching tattoos, she is taken by the organization to perfect the weapon; she’s no longer in school and is basically taken prisoner: her obedience desides if her parents are kept alive… So much happening, so much excitement!

Great phrase: “Live the life you want, the life you’ve dreamed.”

Chapter 5:
In paragraph starting with “Gabriel glanced over my shoulder and he expression turned into brick of ice.” ‘he’ here needs to be fixed
In the paragraph before the last add punctuation mark at the end.
Chapter 6:
In paragraph starting with “I spoke to your mother…” fix punctuation before ‘Again’
In paragraph starting with “Do you love me[,] Mia…”

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Love story—symbolic approach to creation

Keep reading…I am on chapter 4 now. Gabriel and Mia have their first kiss, obviously it is heavenly yet Mia feels cold right after: some sort of foreshadowing that something is very wrong at the core or could it be that I imagine it? Yet when Mia gives Gabriel a white orchard, he states that he hates secrets: so he is caught up in the middle of something that he does not like…

Few little things:
Paragraph starting “I recognized your name…” “No [one] came close…”
Paragraph starting “His head rested on my shoulder…” “by the touch [of] his breath”
Paragraph starting “Briden picked me up from school…” no comma needed in the last sentence.

Thank you for sharing your book,
Alexandra Mahanaim

I have returned to read more…I am on chapter 3 now. Really like the phrase: “compassionate resilience” what a visual. I like these three best friends Mia, Zoe, and Briden. They just stretch teenagers onward with their talk of finishing school early and now getting college credits while in school. What an inspiration!

One little thing:
Paragraph starting “Under her stunning caramel skin..” not sure if you need to closing quote or if conversation continues into next paragraph, then the quote is needed then. Plus, I think Zoe is talking here and Briden in the next paragraph based on Mia’s remark after. Take a look and make it clearer.

Thank you for sharing your book,
Alexandra Mahanaim

What a delightful read: I have returned for more. Enjoying Mia's and Gabriel's date...

“Never thought Differential Equations to be boring”—always enjoyed them myself!

Chapter 2:
In the paragraph “Fate lassoed…” made-up should have no space in between
“I’ll keep it [in] mind…”—next paragraph
In the paragraph “Two days passed…” ‘been’ should probably be ‘seen’
In the paragraph “Mia, calm down. I am not going [to] say…”
In the paragraph “My uncle took me here…” ‘wanting’ change to ‘wanted’

Excellent writing, will be returning for more,
Alexandra Mahanaim

Hi Nancy,
I'm here with Ch.7&8.
Full of feelings, very emotional read!
On the verge of a new life. No need to go to school. Gabriel and Redmond. Car privilege and an eerie hotel. I like your sketchy but very descriptive way of representing the Addimair. But look, why did Gabriel said 'Mia what are you doing here?' I took, he expected her to come?
'...bound by blood and ink...' The process of tattooing was depicted so well that I almost felt it while reading.
Wonderful portrayal of young girl's feelings. Love scene is great. I wished it never stop.
What a necessity was to order those minders to take Gabriel? All written above told me he was ready to obey without their 'help'. It looks a bit melodramatic here, as for me...
'To be trusted is a better compliment than to be loved' (a very controversial statement, I'd say. But here it's up to the place).
'...sometimes instincts work better than common sense...' Love it!
I haven't found anything special to except for some broken due to formatting sentences. You can easily doctor them using the backspace key. Here they are:
Ch.7
And now you are going to open a Forex / management firm'
'Glancing at the large envelope...sprung hurdles. ' I got / answers.'
'I wouldn't break my word... about Dad's / rekindled relationship.'
'Like magic my awkward / ...sensation'
'What's / wrong?'
'You've / no idea what I'll have to endure.'
'He moaned...straight into my / eyes.'
'Believe in me., trust me.' (a full stop is an extra, I suppose?)
'I wasn't sure they were real cops' (a part of the previous paragraph?)
'Mom shook her head...I wasn't sure what gesture had meant end / felt myself / frowning.'
'Though Gabriel was safe...hardly / comforted me.'
'I don't want the family to know, or, any / of my friends.' (extra commas?)

Once again highly starred and still on my WL to be shelved later.

My very best regards, dear Nancy!

Valentine

Second Review of Backward Glances

Sorry for the delay, things have been hectic lately.

Overall the plot in the first few chapters is a lot stronger and more engrossing with the linear timeline, it makes a lot more sense and there are some very strong scenes and believable tensions building. Good effort. The issues I noticed (It was a while ago that I made these corrections, and I see you've made an update in the meantime, so it's likely that a number of them don't apply any more):


Long Pitch:


"she strategizes escape. "

should be: "she plans her escape"


Preface:


"the crumbled wreck"

crumpled


"tree branches from the above canopy"

it flows better if you put 'canopy' before 'above'


"cutting the flow of moon light and cast moving shadows on the ground"

casting, not cast


"I hated myself for what I was about to do. Lie."

You don't need the word 'Lie' in there at all, it breaks the flow of your narrative and it's already obvious from the context.


Chapter 1 (Authonomy Chapter 2)

"At least, this is what I counted on"

might be better to say "At least, that is what I was counting on." It adds an extra layer of uncertainty as to how that strategy turned out.

I remember thinking you could get away with using 'this in past tense sentences. Having given it some thought, I realised that the examples I was thinking of were all very specific phrasal uses, rather than the conventional uses of 'this'. 'That' indicates a distance from the speaker, whether that's in terms of space or time, when talking about the past it's certainly the latter and usually the former, so 'that' is usually better, with some exceptions.


"Blue suit doesn't want to be noticed."

Need a comma after suit.


"It hit me then"

move 'then' to the start of the sentence.


"I continued to second guess the equation"

Second-guess is hyphenated, but I don't think that's the right verb. It means to anticipate a behaviour or criticize a behaviour with hindsight. Maybe something like:

"I went through the equation again in my head, checking I'd got the numbers right."

Or "I recalculated the equation again"

Or "I began doubting my calculations, and ran through the numbers again in my head."

"The prototype back home was a lot larger, and, I had better resources."

Should be: "The prototype back home had been a lot larger, and I'd had better resources."

(since they situation was better back home than here)


"Though, I did keep my eyes on…"

There's no contradiction with anything, so no need for the 'though', suggest simplifying to:

"I kept my eyes on…"


"kept me searching more for him."

Should be: "kept me searching for him all the more."


"Picture friendly"

should be hyphenated.


"who branded the name Persian Princess"

should be either "who came up with the name Persian Princess"

or "who we all called Persian Princess"

depending on whether you mean Zoe came up with the name or it was her nickname.


"Dad taught me everything I know"

should be "Dad had taught me everything I knew"



"organize crime families"

should be: "organized crime families"


"The submission guidelines were biased, and therefore, flawed."

This doesn't really make sense. Suggestion:

"I exploited a weakness in the submissions procedure."


"Even in the awkward moment he was, impossibly, handsome."

Should be 'in that awkward moment', and I'm not sure what you meant by "impossibly, handsome".

If you mean that she had previously thought it impossible that someone could look handsome in that situation, then leave it as it is. If you meant to use impossibly as a modifier of handsome, then it would be better to remove the commas and use something like 'incredibly' or 'unbelievably'


"engulfing my little cute airplane"

it flows better if you put 'cute' before 'little'.


"…lines shot up, then quickly shrank."

It would be better to add 'back' after 'shrank'.


"a beautiful show of colourful rods of energy exploding inside"

too many 'of's and it's not clear what you mean here. A rod is a solid object. Maybe go for:

"a beautiful display of colourful light bursts"


"to travel among a lightning bolt."

I assume this should be along, not among?


Chapter 2 (Authonomy chapter 3) :

"I crumbled the useless thing"

crumpled


"started glancing out windows"

should be a 'the' before 'windows'


"until the committee, discovered the truth."

Lose the comma here.


"He Face-booked me!"

Should that be "He facebooked me!"?


"Tall and beautiful handed her the envelope."

You're missing a subject in this sentence. Suggestion:

"Standing tall and beautiful, he handed her the envelope."


"left over material from our NASA outfit"

when used as an adjective or noun, leftover is one word.


"a navy blue bag with white tissue inside."

Not sure what you mean by 'tissue' here, a white lining inside? Reading on, I see it's white tissues. Suggestion:

"a navy blue bag filled with white tissues."


"Your uncle requests I see you lack for nothing."

Should be "Your uncle requested that I ensure you lack for nothing."


Chapter 3 (Authonomy chapter 4):


"Before any formal introductions I wanted for us to be more… committed?"

Maybe it’s a US/UK English thing, but I think it would sound better as:

"Before any formal introductions were made, I wanted us to be more… committed?"


"private plane waited for him at… "

should be "private plane was waiting for him at… "


"I stood on m tip toes"

my tiptoes


"maybe we can curve each other's whims"

I assume you mean curb each other's whims, as in limit them?


"get our parent's to sign the forms"

parents


"the week had gone by in lightning speed."

at lightning speed.


Chapter 4 (Authonomy Chapter 5):


"When saw me nod"

should be: "When he saw me nod"


"Then took his arms from Mom."

This doesn't make sense. I don't know what you're trying to describe here.


"Mia, that poison ivy remarkably has stopped itching."

I think it flows better with 'has' before 'remarkably'.


"No came close,"

should be "No-one came close,"


"I placed in Midnight's treats in the food dispenser."


Lose the first 'in' here.


"Mom and Dad, were meeting him for lunch."

Lose the comma here.


Chapter 5 (Authonomy chapter 6):


"keep them connected this world"

should be: "keep them connected to this world"


"and thought of as we stepped"

should be: "and thought of it as we stepped"

"goose bumps" should be goosebumps


"In the meanwhile"

should be: "In the meantime"


"I can wait for meanwhile"

again, should be: "I can wait for the meantime"


"clouds gathering and sifting quickly"

I assume you mean shifting (moving from place to place in flowing patterns) rather than sifting (filtering, sorting)


"You inherit James passion for numbers"

should be: "You've inherited James' passion for numbers"


Chapter (Authonomy Chapter )


"… comparing me involuntary acid regurgitation?"

should be: "… comparing me to involuntary acid regurgitation?"


"The small cuckoo clock was much of an annoyance as was the wait"

should be "The small cuckoo clock was as much of an annoyance as the wait"


"The noise and laughter of students in the hallway hurrying to get home echoed."

This would work better if you rearrange it slightly:

"The noise and laughter of students hurrying to get home echoed in the hallway."


"Later I would revisit the scattered thoughts and organize the emotional fragments into common logic."

conventional logic instead of common logic, but I prefer 'something more logical'


"I left a log letter on the refrigerator door."

I assume you meant a long letter?


"the thought made me cringed"

should be: "the thought made me cringe"


"rush hour traffic"

should be: "rush-hour traffic"


"stole twenty-minutes of my time"

no hyphen here.


"more Spanish tradition architecture than medieval"

should be: "more traditional Spanish architecture than medieval"


"Not an employee stood around"

should be "There were no employees standing around"

Or "Not a single employee could be seen"


"This isn't a good idea, he's not smiling but too late to hide

Change the comma to a period and add a comma after 'smiling'.



I'm going to stop here because you're basically back to the original plot and I've already given you my feedback on that, so good luck with finding a publisher, I'm going to have to move on to other people's work now.

Nancy,

Backward Glances
A YARG review. Welcome to the group! I really hope you get all kinds of helpful reviews, and I hope this is one of them. I read your Preface and first chapter and found the story intriguing. The following are my comments:

Preface:
-P1, I’m not sure about the tenses in the opening sentences. I’m thinking may you should add a “was” to the line: “One half [was] pushed up…” and then change “bobbing” to “bobbed”
-P2, you can drop “above” as it should be understood that a tree canopy would be above. I think you should maybe make “emotion” into “emotions” as you described more than one which anger would overpower.
-The Master is an interesting character. I like that you don’t just explain everything right off. Way to keep the reader guessing.

Chapter 1:
-C1, P13, you should remove the second comma in: “was a lot larger, and(,) I had better resources.”
-C1, P18, I would switch out “did keep” for “kept”.
-I read a long way down without any critique. I got to the line “lightning Sprites” and I wonder if Lightning should be uppercase, or Sprites should be lower. I would think the former.
-A little below that, there is an extraneous quotation mark here: …I called out to Zoe.”
-Right below that, a typo. Use chamber, not camber.
-Well edited and fascinating. I’ll read on a little farther.

Chapter 2:
-C2, P4, use commas around “the principal” to set it apart from her name.
-C2, P6, drop the second comma in: “He hired an attorney, saying it was only a matter of time until the committee(,) discovered the truth.”
-Typo below that “greens eyes”
-The tense seems off in “my hands run over my hair and I pat down my sweater.” Ran not run? Patted not pat?
-I like there’s a lot of YA type conversations and thoughts in this chapter. The first one was really science heavy, but this one is a lot more like try high school, boy-girl type stuff. Nicely done.
-This turned into a long chapter. Sorry I didn’t quite finish. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it. Just have to run.

This looks like an interesting story. I can see it doing really well. You get high stars from me.
I wish you the best of luck with this. If you would like to return a read, I would appreciate it.
Thanks, and Best Wishes,
-Chris
Game Changer

Backward Glances

Just a bit more close crit on the next chapter.

Chapter Two

“February had never seen record highs…” There must have been a previous highest temperature for February. Or do you mean it was hotter than every other month?
I quite like the weirdness of her trying to fan herself with a coffee filter.
“eyes widened like an Oreo…” Quite like this too.
“had rose a notch…” should be “had risen a notch”. Although it might be ‘voice’ in which case, obviously it’s fine.
“Facebooked” doesn’t need the hyphen.
“My hands run over my hair…” is in the present tense. Then, “Ms Craig humbly smiled…” isn’t.
“Tall and beautiful handed over the envelope.” I don’t know if this is an intentional sentence fragment - it might be.
“I imagined the paint melting.” is nice, especially because of the part about the paint before.
“Mom’s love the stuff”. I think should be “Mom loves..”
“My grandmother eats this early” is funny.
“His words sounded like a repeated song.” is nice.
I also like the curious cat thing.

Lucy

Hey Nancy--I came back for 8 & 9, but I noticed that your preface is gone. How come? No matter, I was just curious. I like these chapters; they really build on the tension from the preceding chapters. The only thing I can recommend is a read through on your part--there were a couple of minor typos here and there nothing major--normally I'd say such and such number paragraph and try to make it easy on you but it's hard to keep track what with the formatting issues.The only thing that gave me pause was the fact that her parents so willingly let her go to Washington, regardless of the circumstances--but particularly since she didn't want to 'see' Gabriel before. I understand the necessity of it, but is it plausible... I don't know. Aside from that you write beautifully; you really do have a way with words--I would like to see the formatting taken care of, and then I know this will get the attention it deserves. Geneva

HI there,
I'm back again to continue the read for YARG.

This is certainly getting intriguing, what with the dad's paranoia and Amelia crushing on Gabe. He seems a bit mysterious too, I have an inkling he knows more than he's letting on. Too good to be true, so to speak.
Just noted down some minor nitpicks.
I did think the tense shifted a little from past to present, but couldn't quite place where to fix it, it might be worth keeping that in mind when you edit again.

Chapter three
Perhaps crop this sentence to: ... more like a lopsided seashell, which did little to cool my neck. Frustrated, I scrunched it into a ball and tossed it away..

floating on joy...nice!

would her perfume cloud her eyes, or sting them???

This sentence seemed clunky, perhaps: My experiment only proved fast travel could be possible, one day.

Cropping this sentence to: The intolerable office heat raised a notch as all the blood rushed to my head, sending a defeaning buzz to my ears.

In most cases it sounds better to have the adverb following the verb, and I think that works better in this case: ..chest muscles squeezed tautly against my ribs.

.. time (would) pass slowly.

Repetition in this sentence: Perhaps: He was the closest thng to having a social life I'd been near in ages.

Perhaps crop this, to .. When the bell rang at 3

Insecurities had a way of flourishing... like that line.

I'm underdressed .. needs the 'ed'.

This is a YARG Review and a return review

I YARGed this a long time ago, and also reviewed it for Grimoire. I don’t recognise much from either of the pitches, except possibly the characters’ names. I do remember the first chapter being set on a young couple’s wedding night, which is interrupted by some strange relatives of the groom. Having read the Preface and Chapter One, it seems like a completely different story now.

Preface

The first image is hard to picture. How could half the car be bobbing but the other not?
“unless you want to be part of the sea.” I like this as a warning. Chilling.
I think you already know you have some formatting problems.

Chapter One

“I guess she had forgotten who branded the name Persian Princess.” I’m not sure what this means.
“my parents signature” shoud be “my parents’ signature..”

This is generally very well edited, and I’m surprised by how different it is. I’ll return to read on.

Lucy

Hi there,
A YARG review.
I've read your prologue and first chapter. I wondered about the spacing, it was disconcerting to read, but sometimes the uploading can be tricky I know on mine it changed my font half way through for some reason.
Anyway that aside, I thought the prologue and first chapter were well written.
I must admit sci fi is not my preferred genre, but you vivdly described the experiment so I could get a good picture in my mind of what was happening. This can be tricky to achieve but you did it well with a good economy of words and good verb use, so the narrative moved at a nice pace.
There were a few places I thought you could edit even futher, but it is merely suggestions, so take what you will from my comments:

This could be cropped to .... Apart from lying about my age on the application, my mind was ....

Also... His toffee coloured hair,had that uncombed top look...

This sentence didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, seemed contradictory.I wasn't embarrassed he caught..etc. Maybe: I flushed pink, embarrased he'd caught me observing him.

I'm not a big fan of using passive voice, and overuse of 'was' can slow down the pace of the writing. I know it is used for continuous past tense, but where possible it does make the narrative smoother if you can use a stronger verb. As in this sentence, perhaps you could say: His voice (sounded) soft and pleasant. AND in this sentence: ..water as the fog flowed out through...

I liked this description: An umbrella of sparks...etc. Good imagery.

This didn't read quite right, I think you need to reference the he, perhaps: My remote slipped through my hands. Spend time together. But before it hit the floor, Gabriel managed to catch the remote and place it back in my hands..etc.

Rather than 'again', perhaps, ... in that melodic voice of his.

Hope some of this is helpful to you and all the best with this.
Cheers J

Hi Nancy--I've read through seven chapters now, and I must say this is turning out to be an exciting story. Your MC, Amelia, is a likeable character. Gabriel, well I know from the pitch, is a mysterious fellow but you do a great job building up to it--which leads me to wonder if divulging as much as you do in the pitch is such a good idea--I would definitely reconsider that if I were you. Personally, I think I'd have liked it better if I hadn't known that he'd turn out to be a shady dude. You need to 'search' your document for Ms. and Mrs. because there were several discrepancies when mentioning Ms. Craig--you alternated between the two. Another point to mention is that Gabriel is 19 when he and Amelia meet, then he has a birthday so he'd be 20, but Amelia still says that he's 19. One final note to mention, and I'm sure it is more of a personal preference, I don't really see the point in the 'quotes' at the beginning of each chapter--foreshadowing maybe? I don't know, but the writing itself is enough to keep people reading. What may turn people off though, is the error in uploading--it's killing you, I'm sure of it. That or your not pushing this like you should. Have you tried what I suggested? I do think people will find it difficult to look past the issue as it truly does make reading a challenge at times. Overall I think you have a fantastic beginning, and I know you are just getting into the main plot. I didn't really find any grammatical errors there were a few typos, but I didn't keep track. Sorry. I'm sure it isn't anything a good read through and spell check couldn't easily sort out. I'll try and come back for the rest tomorrow.

All my best, Geneva
My Life on Shady Lane

What a preface, it really drew me into the story. Your opening chapter is incredible, really makes you want to read on. Amazing description of the experiment, it had me on my toes! Well, you had a brilliant mix of romance, science, modeling (those outfits!), and action and all in one chapter! You made science look fun. The characters you have created are likable and Mia’s success is incredible, especially at sixteen.

There are no noticeable errors, well done!

Thank you for sharing your story and I look forward to a return read on Return to Eternity,
Alexandra Mahanaim

Backward Glances
Nancy Lopez

You have a very good prologue (shame it was spoilt by the double headings and double spacing with occasional single words on a line - I tried to ignore it, I'm sure you'll fix this soon).

The story moves along at a good pace and I liked the use of science in your story. The characterisations of Mia and Gabriel are very good.

The editing was good and I didn't spot too many issues.

I'm quite used to American English but still find myself making notes, for instance, in British English we tend to say formulae rather than formulas for the plural of formula.

The sentence, "I’m going call him when I get back and fix things between us." in chapter three, your chapter two, needs a "to".

Chapter seven (your six) was gripping, you had the sex (almost) scene between Mia and Gabriel; and then Redmond arrives.

All in all a very good story with high stars from me.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

PLEASE READ THIS*****
--- Some chapters are single spaced while others are double spaced. On my end, everything is aligned as it should, *sigh* something funky happened during the upload and I cannot find a way to correct it.
Thanks...

This book is really good I love it

Review of Backward Glances:

Let me start by saying I’m not a fan of this genre (massive secret evil organisations running our world behind the scenes), so any criticisms I make may seem a little harsh.

I’ve read everything you’ve posted here, so general impressions:

There’s a good core and atmosphere to the story, the characters are pretty well fleshed out with individual feels to them, I found the jumping forweard and back in time a little disorientating and confusing in my first read, thoug it made more sense the second time through.

However, you have a very large number of presentation errors that distracted me and detracted from my enjoyment of the story, spelling errors, grammatical errors, scene descriptions that were physically implausible. Things improve on that front in chapters 4 and 5, but there were still some grammatical mistakes and other typos there. Ordinarily when there are this many problems, I would highlight the issues in the first half-chapter and suggest you find yourself a good proof-reader, but out of gratitude for your backing, I’m going to go through every problem I could find in the first 3 chapters, since that is where the majority of the problems lie, and once you get your readers into the 3rd chapter and beyond, then minor typos are not going to dissuade them so much from continuing.


Your first three chapter titles are all messed up, and give two different names, so I’ll just refer to them by their number:


Chapter 1:

“bobbed upon the surface of the ocean”

should be “bobbed up and down on the surface of the ocean”

Also, there a re a number of problems with this scenario from a physics point of view:

1. Cars don’t float for long if at all because they are made of mostly metal and they are not airtight, water always gets in and then they sink. This would happen even faster for a smashed up half of a car.

2 Sports cars are designed to be safe as well as fast (among other things), or they wouldn’t get approved for road use. A car snapping in half as a result of a crash is extremely rare and is usually the result of a severe structural problem (due to heavy rusting of a very old car, poor design, heavy modifications done to the car by someone who didn’t know what they were doing, none of these apply to a new Pagani) or sabotage (critical parts being partially cut through). Given that this is a staged accident, they’ll want it to appear as conventional as possible so as not to arouse suspicions with the actual authorities, so you might want to rethink that part a little. Having the doors or roof ripped off would be more believable and so more realistic.


“I turned, lifting my hand to shield my eyes from the bright headlights of the parked vehicles, two shadows surrounded by circles of light were holding hands making their way to me.”

First, split into two sentences, the first ending with vehicles.

Second, go for “were holding hands and making their way to me”

Or “were holding hands as they made their way to me”


Wrong tenses throughout the paragraph beginning: “This evening my life was perfect.” Almost all the verbs in this paragraph should be shifted one tense further back: change was/were to had been, signed to had signed, believed to had believed, is to was. This is a narrative summary of events before the point in time in the story, so has to be one tense further back than your usual narrative tense (simple past)


“I don’t know where they have taken him, but he’s gone.”

Again, should be in the past tense to match the rest of your narrative, unless you wanted it to be a thought, in which case it should be in italics. It works better as part of the narrative than as a thought.


“partially imbedded into the Banyan tree”

should be “partially embedded in the Banyan tree”


“my attention turned to the strong light at a distance gliding…”

in the distance


“I quickly turned my attention on Mom”

to Mom

“create the conception of a miracle”

create the appearance of a miracle, perhaps?


“I ignored them as best as possible”

“I ignored them as much as possible”


“my life now depended on Gabriel’s return – if he returns”

again tense disagreement, should be “if he returned”


“I was suddenly mortified”

I’m not sure mortified is the right word to use here, it means an intense feeling of shame or embarrassment, seeing yourself or your personal hero being publically exposed as a hypocrite, realising that your good intentions have horrifically backfired, stuff like that. I can see what you’re getting at she’s shocked and embarrassed by the way her body is reacting, and annoyingly I can’t think of a better word to use, so this is not very helpful of me.


“If someday, you don’t want to continue to live for me, live for the day you are reunited with your family again.”


Is there a reason Gabriel repeats this line, or did you mean to leave it out either before or after he tells her to change out of her gown?


“Redmond folded his hands in front of him and rocked on his heels”

folded his arms (in front of his chest)


“Being on my knees made me vulnerable and I looked weak and felt humiliated.”

Too many ‘ands’. Lose the first and replace with a comma or semicolon.


Chapter 2:

“There was something special about this room that calmed me”

“this room” would indicate that the narrator is there now while saying this. Go for “that room” instead.


“the tranquil sensation gripped harder to my emotions”

This is a mess.

“a tranquil sensation took hold of my emotions”

Or go back a little and go for “As I breathed in the scent of vanilla and flowers, the familiar sensation soothed my emotions.”


“… glinting off my gold medals during my days of horseback riding.”

Should be from instead of during. Also, maybe go for “my horseback riding days” instead of “my days of horseback riding”?


“I could feel the corner of lips tug into a small smile”

of my lips


“Oh, how good to wake up and discover…”

should be “Oh, how good it would be to wake up and discover…”


“My mind dove into a backward glance that pulled open to that one night.”

This doesn’t really work as a phrase, glances don’t open, books do though. Maybe go for something like

“My mind dove backwards through the crumpled pages of my life, pulling them open at that one night:”


“Here, time doesn’t fly, it waves.”

This flows better without the first comma.


“His chest lifted, and he nodded silently”

Lose the comma here.


“this was my hearts way of handling torment”

heart’s way

“My heart was resigned to the truth and the truth hurt.

I’m brokenhearted.”

‘I’m brokenhearted’ isn’t a resignation to the truth, it’s a summary of her feelings, a repetition of the previous sentence and an interruption to the flow of your narrative. I recommend cutting this line out.


“an old soul dozen of years mature than my physical age.”

“an old soul dozens of years more mature than my physical age.”


“the victims were offenders and wanted by the police for sexual child abuse.”

This is repetitive and a bit clumsy. Better would be:

“the victims were wanted by the police for sexually abusing children.”


“Our pictures were not posted in news”

“Our pictures were not posted in the news”


“It surprised he had given me so much time to myself.”

should be either “It surprised me that he had given me so much time to myself.”

or “I was surprised he had given me so much time to myself.”


“his eyes grief stricken”

grief-stricken


“She wore colorful rhinestones hairpins”

“She wore colorful rhinestone hairpins”


“But they needed to be protected from me as well.”

It's not needing to be protected from her, but protected from the WL. Suggestions:

“But they needed to be protected as well.”

or “But they needed to be kept at a safe distance.”


“A boy, taller than most of the reporters in a blue suite moved through the crowd, slowly – with his head bowed as if he didn't want to be noticed.”

This is messy. Suggestion:

“A boy in a blue suit, taller than most of the reporters, slowly moved through the crowd with his head bowed, as if he didn't want to be noticed.”


“in her converted garage/design central”

design centre


“Their corset had silver fasteners the middle”

corsets, unless they are sharing one between them, which would really be a very distinctive costume :~)


“They were inserting the shunt for the nitrogen. The copper core needed to be stimulated with liquid heat.”

I think you mean 'intense liquid cooling' rather than 'liquid heat', since liquid nitrogen is not really renowned for being a heat source :~)


“at least the snake tight outfit”

skintight outfit


“vacuum sealed enclosure”

vacuum-sealed


“white gloved hand”

white-gloved hand


“I stretched my neck side-to-side a few times”

should be “I stretched my neck from side to side a few times”


“He seems use to this”

used to this


“I'd been perfecting lighting molecules for years.”

lighting or lightning?


“We've worked on this project since the day I could talk.”

We'd worked


“talking me out from signing up”

should be “talking me out of signing up”


“being in the spot lot can be harmful.”

spotlight


“chance to win a scholarship, which meant, I had to wait until next year,”

Lose the comma after meant


“his word mingled with an edge of amusement”

words, but the whole phrase doesn't really work for me. How about:

“his words had an amused edge to them”


“I turned and faced sixty yards of plexiglass that stretched wide across the booth and five feet off the ground.”

This is a little confusing and perhaps conveys the wrong image through some poor word choices. Let me describe what you are communicating here in other words:

Your MC turns around and discovers a sixty-yard wide sheet of plexiglass that wasn’t there before, but is now suspended from the ceiling with a five-foot gap between it and the floor all the way along its length, and it runs right above the middle of the booth.

I suspect that wasn’t what you wanted to convey.

How about:

“I glanced at the/turned and noticed* sixty yards of plexiglass that formed a five-foot-high perimeter around the booth”

*depending on whether it was already there or just put up now in response to the danger.


“dripped with water beads”

should be “dripped with beads of water”


“I pointed the flames to the line of gravel on an aluminium track that traveled across the floor and up the narrow lift not more than two inches wide, and into the chamber”

One, you point at, you touch to. Two, don’t use definite articles when you’re introducing something for the first time. Three, a track doesn’t travel unless it’s a caterpillar track or conveyor belt of some kind, though it can run; Four is the wrong word here unless you mean an elevator, go for shaft or ramp there. Five, too much use of the word ‘and’. In summary, my suggestion:

“I touched the flames to a line of gravel on an aluminium track that ran across the floor and up a narrow shaft/ramp into the chamber.”


“The gravel ignited into a shower of golden sparkles as it traveled, coiling in circles speedily moving toward the chamber.”

This is a mess.

One, gravel doesn’t burn, being stone, so it’s obviously something else that looks like gravel or something highly flammable mixed with the gravel. Two, you have some redundant words in your descriptions (you don’t need both traveled and moving, nor both coiling and circles). Three, some incorrect word forms - sparks, not sparkles, and ignited in (denoting an accompanying phenomenon), not ignited into (denoting a transformation of its entire substance). Let’s simplify this:

“The gravel* ignited in a shower of golden sparks that rapidly spiraled toward the chamber.”

*possibly replace with whatever is actually igniting here


“he clasped his hand together”

hands, and did you mean clapped instead of clasped?


“More hot air and pressure was induced. Silicone dust and magnesium were released into the cavity of the chamber.”

I assume you mean introduced (added) rather than induced (cause to occur) here. You can’t really use the same verb for both air and pressure air is a substance, pressure a value. Pressure can be increased, ramped up, doubled etc, air can be introduced, added, injected, blown. Also, this should be silicon, which is flammable in the form of a dust, not silicone, which is an inert liquid, hence its use in biological implants ;-). You make this mistake in other parts of the text, so I assume you got the two materials confused rather than it being merely a typo.


“ “In a minute they will.” I reassured.”

should be “ “In a minute they will,” I reassured him.”


“I had to make due”

make do


“A small lighting rod shot up from the chamber dragged my airplane down”

Do you mean lightning bolt here?


“closed the top flaps to create more turbines”

turbines are the rotary machines that move or are moved by (usually hot) gases, do you mean more turbulence or more vortices, perhaps?


You have an extra set of closing inverted commas after “Douse it now,” I called out.”


“Sand shot out threw tiny metal holes”

through. And spraying sand as a dousing material? That's very impractical. Sand is very difficult to pump through tight spaces*, not to mention highly abrasive, add to that these are metal holes in a frame that is melting, so they can’t be depended on to keep their shape, making the chances of them becoming blocked very high indeed. Wouldn't a powder-based fire extinguisher be more realistic?

* Sand only behaves like a liquid when suspended in a fluid (air, water) at low pressure levels to separate the particles a little, putting dry sand under pressure will just pack it together into a solid mass.

“in the center of the chamber two”

either “in the center of Chamber Two”

or “in the center of the second chamber”


“or the model plane wouldn't be fuming”

fuming is the wrong word here. Suggest 'wouldn't get burnt' instead.


“It's not teleportation, it's not time traveling. You're inducing energy and traveling with speed of light”


Grammatically it should be 'traveling at the speed of light', but realistically, how can he tell any of those things? A lot of distracting smoke, lights and showmanship was being used, and he had no measuring equipment with him.


“refusing to open wounds which offered no solution but painful reminders.”

better would be: “refusing to open wounds which offered no solutions, only painful reminders.”


“My face felt swollen. Again, I cried myself to sleep.”

If her face feeling swollen was a result of having cried herself to sleep the night before, then this should read:

“My face felt swollen. I'd cried myself to sleep again.”


“I considered drinking another Zoloft pill”

taking instead of drinking.


Chapter 3:


“punished for loving one of Redmond's soldier's.”

soldiers, not soldier's


“Highlanders, are above all other members, belonging solely to the Masters.”

Lose the first comma here.


“original houses of the Lords: Kings, queens, dukes, archbishops and so on.”

It’s a bit tricky to have archbishops before there was ever a Pope, since the two go together. You might want to rethink that last title. Sultans, perhaps? Or crown princes, if you want to remain with the European-style nobility? On the other hand, is this a deliberate mistake you made here, to show that the ‘official’ version Redmond is telling her is a lie? And the Georgia Stones angle, to make the White Ladder’s history some sort of evil parody of Mormonism?


“ “You and the rest of the world is lost,” he mocked bitterly. “We are members of Nato. “

are lost instead of is lost, and NATO is an acronym.

Also, the speech tag doesn’t work here, it’s best left out, as a rule, try to avoid speech tags with adverbs expressing emotion. It’s better to give visual, aural (or even olifactory) clues that hint at the emotion, where it isn’t immediately obvious from the dialogue itself.


“His stared bored into mine”

stare


“ “We’re dropping your things off at the Von Vosses,” Redmond informed.”

Redmond informed me. ‘inform’ is always targetted at someone.


“I concentrated on every turn we made familiarizing my new surroundings.”

should be “I concentrated on every turn we made, familiarizing myself with my new surroundings.”


“The snow top branches”

“The snow-topped branches”


“the same amount of balconies and windows balanced each side”

should be “the same amount of balconies and windows on each side”, you’ve already said the house was symmetrical.


“Someone had gone through great pains and many hours to shovel the snow.”

should be “Someone had gone to great pains over many hours to shovel the snow.”


“I had never lived anywhere else other than in Miami”

‘else’ and ‘other’ mean the same thing, lose one or the other.


“A metal box next to the red door had glowing digital numbers.”

‘had’ doesn’t quite fit here, go for ‘displayed’ instead.


“It probably overlooks the low lands”

lowlands is one word.


“I stepped inside, marveled by the underwater theme of my room.”

should be “I stepped inside and marveled at the underwater theme of my room.”


“Is it a piece art?”

should be “Is it an art piece?” (my recommendation)

or “Is it a piece of art?”


“Don’t look stun.”

stunned


“You’ll have everything you need to prove your theory of carbon emission, silicone and sand dust effective on matter to be operative in traveling lightning storms.”

The second half of this sentence is a mess. Suggest simplifying to:

“You’ll have everything you need to prove that your theory (of the effect of carbon emission, silicon and sand dust on matter) works in traveling lightning storms.”

I’d suggest leaving out the part in brackets.


“James’s wasting his life as a tree Sheppard.”

I assume this should be “James is wasting his life as a tree shepherd”, referring to James running an orchard as part of his ranch, or did you mean something else here?


“ “now he thinks I’m a chair board member for the university.” He snarled. ”

This should be either ‘a member of the board of the’

Or ‘the chair of the board of the university’

Also, snarled doesn’t really fit as a speech tag here. Suggest using sneered, or just leave it out.


“The Red Caves awaits”

await, since it’s a plural name.


“Classroom are indoors”

Classrooms


“They were holding a weapon with warheads slung over their shoulders.”

One, warheads are the explosive part of a weapon that you don’t see, they are always inside the casing of a shell, rocket, bomb or missile. Two, what is slung over their shoulder, the weapon or the ‘shells’. Need to be more specific in your description, give some sort of idea of the shapes of these things.


“One of the guards had made a signal with his left hand.”

If this is something that she saw, then lose the ‘had’ here.


“His focused was on a mound of red patchy sand”

should be ‘His focus’

Or ‘He was focused’


“I climbed out, following close.”

should be “I climbed out, following close behind.”


“The walls and roof were jagged, shiny as a wet rock.”

I think it would flow better if you replaced the comma with an ‘and’ here.


“except this one, didn’t have that bright light at the end of the tunnel”

lose the comma after one.


“We walked into another stretch of carved rock”

down instead of into, unless you’re going slapstick on us all of a sudden :-P


“to honour of our ancestral heritage”

Should be either “to honour our ancestral heritage”

Or “in honour of our ancestral heritage”


“A slight twist to his beard revealed my comment annoyed him”

should be “A slight twist to his beard revealed that my comment had annoyed him”


“Is she vearing impaired?”

A Russian accent wouldn’t mispronounce an h as a v sound. It might overemphasise the ‘h’ or the ‘ear’ sound, or roll the r a lot.


“They were learning the laws of aerial physics. The instructor held up metal blades that reminded me of skies.”

I assume you mean the laws of aerodynamics? Also should be skis, not skies.


“Gabriel and his drug dependent mother”

drug-dependent

“I’ll wait in my chambers Doctore Vanhelsing”

needs a comma after chambers


“Chop blocs Mr VanHelsing, went out of date”

needs a comma after blocs, and that should be blocks instead of blocs, both here and two sentences earlier.


“frosted white doors that glowed in a soft hue behind them”

Should be “frosted white doors that glowed with a soft hue from a light behind them.”


“and the door slid apart”

doors


“We had a cat that clawed her nails until they bleed”

bled


“I got that feeling he wanted to say something.”

the feeling


“He succeeds us four beneath him”

He supercedes or he supervises, and ‘the four of us’ works better than ‘us four’.


“My Higlanders were not bread to babysit”

bred, not bread, same goes for two sentences later.


“in the back left”

“in the back to his left/his right” would work better I think.


“The boys aimed their focus at the corner above my head.”

it's a bit redundant to use both aim and focus. Suggestion:

“The boys directed their gaze at the corner above my head.”


“The blonde's long hair was dishevel,”

disheveled


“He stood an inch taller than the other, although slender, he had a muscular build.”


“He stood an inch taller than the other, who although slender, had a muscular build.”


“eyes that shun like sapphires”

shone


“They were both normal looking”

normal-looking


“I couldn't understand their remote behavior considering we would be living together.”

needs a comma after behavior.


“When a member takes position on the White Ladder, Master's choose their recruits.

takes a position, Masters


“I couldn't understand why the warnings”

again redundant word use. Suggestion:

“I couldn't see the need for the warnings.”


“Redmond gapped at them as they addressed his stare.”

No part of this sentence makes any sense, I don’t know what you’re trying to say here.


“their beloved, will join us by force.”

lose this comma.


“as she ascends her place on my regiment”

should be “as she adjusts to her place in my regiment”

or “as she works her way up through the ranks in my regiment”


“He removed from his inner jacket pocket a cellular phone.”

This doesn't flow well, suggestion:

“He removed a cellular phone from his inner jacket pocket.”


“to offer young adults like me, a career that I couldn't pronounce”

Lose the comma after me


“there was one question I needed an answer.”

should be “there was one question I needed an answer to.”


“I arrived at the caves an hour ago…”

I’d arrived. Also later in this sentence, move the comma from after ‘now’ to be after ‘hands’ instead.


“I pulled my shoulder back”

not shoulders?


“my time here would mount to indescribable deeds.

amount to, but I suggest saying ‘include’ here instead.


“the reason why Mauders and all others are sent first”

Did you mean Marauders here? It’s hard to tell with your invented titles.


“Those are replicas of the America’s very own stone hedge.”

Should be “Those are replicas of America’s very own Stonehenge.”


“Aidan has mastered that Apache helicopter used in Desert Storm, with its 1,200 rounds of ammo firing 625 rounds per minute – among several others.”


It would be better to leave out the clause describing the amount of ammo and its firing rate.


“with gun prods”

gun pods




As I said, this is a long list (in word, this is the 14th A4 page of this review), you really need to get in contact with a good proof-reader if you want to get closer to publication with this. But your characters, the core of the story and the concepts behind it are strong enough for that sort of effort to be worthwhile.

Hi Nancy,

I really enjoyed the dark and intriguing opening chapters of 'Backwards Glances,' as it was straight to the action with Mia discovering her new husband is a member of the shadowy brotherhood on her honeymoon night. Her questions reveal everything bit by bit as she is full of questions, followed by flash-backs to events leading up to the opening scene including her parents'and her friends' reaction to getting married so young.

I can empathize with the teenager, Mia's feelings for Gabriel, and for getting herself mixed up with him.

I liked your imaginative and unique writing style like,' My mind a blur with guilt, bones like gelatin, on how the guilt hurt my heart,' when having to lie to her parents.

All the character stand out as unique.

Well done,

Carol Jefferies
(Love for Lilian)
(A Prince Unboyed)
(A KInsman's Chattel)

This book opens with excitement and intrigue and just keeps us guessing from there. It seems like every paragraph in this first chapter poses more questions as to the nature of the crash and the background of the MC's wedding.
You write with such strength and from a place where you obviously have the answers to these questions, but just like to toy with the reader, leaving them just out of reach.
I'm really enjoying this. I'm putting it on my watchlist and will be back to read more as time permits. For now, high stars.

I'VE READ ALL CHAPTERS POSTED. THIS IS REALLY GREAT. HIGH TENSION THROUGHOUT AND HAD ME TURNING PAGES. AS A YA (YOUNG ADULTS) STORY, I REALLY THINK YOU HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL HERE. THE OPENING SCENE, WHICH IS REALLY THE AFTERMATH OF THE CRUX OF THE STORY, HAD ME WONDERING WHY AND HOW SHE FOUND HERSELF HERE. LITTLE BY LITTLE YOU WENT REVEALING THE STORY WHICH HAD ME HOOKED. IT FLOWS WELL. THE CHARACTERS ARE ALIVE ON THE PAGE. THE VOICE SHOUTS AT YOU--SOMETHING I STRUGGLE WITH MY WRITING.
I LOVE THE NARRATIVE VOICE AND THE FLASHBACKS TIES IN WITH THE PRESENT SITUATION. ITS LIKE A PUZZLE YOU PUT TOGETHER FOR US. IT WAS ALSO A SMART IDEA TO START OFF WITH THE ACCIDENT SCENE AND THEN FLASHBACK TO THE HONEYMOON. AS A YA, AND A MARRIED GIRL AT 17, THERE BETTER BE A HELL OF A GOOD REASON. ONLY A FEW BOOKS ON THE MARKET PULLED THIS OFF. TWILIGHT WAS ONE OF THEM. BUT YOU'VE CREATED THIS WORLD THAT IS SO EERILY REAL AND HER REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED AND GABREIL'S REASON FOR HIS DECEPTION IS AS TWISTED AS A PLOT TURNOVER CAN GET.
I LOVED THIS!

IT HAS PUBLISHING POTENTIAL ALL OVER IT.....

MARIA C

P.S. SORRY I COULD NOT BE MORE CONSTRUCTIVE. THE STRUCTURE AND PLOTTING IS VERY STRONG AND CONVINCING. I ALLOWED MYSELF TO FALL INTO THE STORY-LINE AND JUST ENJOYED IT. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

There is only one thing I didnt like about this;the italics. I dont think it is necessary because its obvious what her thoughts will be. Thats because it is well written and fluid and exciting. Well done!
Andrea

Hi Ms. Lopez,
Backward Glances has great potential. I can feel a great deal of emotion in your prose, and I gave it high stars. If I'm not out of line I would like to offer some constructive ideas regarding structure. Some of these are very small--nit picking even---but easy to fix. Notice in the first chapter wherein the line starts: "I wasn't shaking...could Gabriel to this to me?" I assume you meant "...Gabriel DO this to me?"
Further down you use the word "vigilance". This seems to too ponderous for the scene. In fact if you haven't done so, I would strongly recommend read aloud your entire first chapter, but especially this first scene. I think you can improve your dialogue by doing that. Some of it seems to "bookish", not flowing naturally.
Other small items: Check the use (perhaps too frequent) of the word "sigh", or forms of it.
And when you gave us a picture of the three men looking down at Mia, you mention their "...mien of expression". But doesn't "mien" equal "expression"?
Then, "upper levels"...Gallows? Why that word. Up to that point there was nothing to suggest that.
Later, "...head shook". why?
And then we hear sirens. But why would there be sirens at this point? The crash has already had first responders (body covered) and the police. who would be showing up with sirens?
Check the close proximity of the uses of the word "charade".
On a more substantive note, you might want to check your use of passive verbs, especially the various forms of the verb "to be". It tends to slow the read. Pick a more active verb. An example: The sentence, "My bones were gelatin..." More active might be: "Bones like gelatin, my mind blurred with guilt..." Just an idea.

There is a lot of passion in this Ms. Lopez and it's a very good story. To me, your second scene in the first chapter seemed to have more of "you" in it. Obviously we don't know each other, but it did seem like that portion "came to life" more than the first scene. I also feel that maybe the first scene might work better if it were greatly shortened, getting us more quickly to the flashback and the honeymoon. I know you want to start with an action scene to grab the reader, but it might work better if that's where you start. Then for the wreck, you could think about "showing" us the wreck, instead of "telling" us about it after the fact.
I do hope I haven't worn out my welcome. As you are well aware, I'm not a professional and my thoughts are equal to what you paid for them....nothing, except the time to read them.
I wish you the best,
Ron Graves

Hi Ms. Lopez,
I ran across your book and found the synopsis intriguing. I shall read more today, or during the week, and report back to you.
Best to you,
Ron Graves

Very enjoyable first chapter. The crash at the beginning was a good opening scene. Questions built up immediately. Who was in the crash? Are they going to be alright? then we go back to the aftermath of the wedding. There is plenty of intrigue and our imagination is dying to be quenched but you successfully play us along until we discover some of what is going on.

The sentence at the beginning. Tears belong in the ocean unless you want to become part it......I think that should be part "of" it.

Hugely enjoyable. Starred.
alice.

Hi Nancy,
I've been planning to read Backward Glances last month, but I had the chance today. Your writing style in general is very vital as you have a great sense of dialogue, and you know how to blend it in your high caliber narrative.

Your opening plot is dynamic and your characters are as if they're living. In one single chapter, you've managed to introduce your characters, and set the mood for the premises ahead.

I think this is a great read for the genre's enthusiasts.
Highly starred,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints
+It will be great if you could check my book, too.

Nancy

I like the new opening. Its crisp and intriguing. The readers would want to know what cause the crash and what trigger the suspicion about the cops. There is one way to find out. Read on. Its definitely intriguing as I already said. It's explosive as well. I heard when the car crash, through the author's descriptions.

You have a winner here. I said before and I said it again

Well done

Hi Nancy,

what a great start. I like your creativity and the new world you are creating. I like your characters also, they show great depth.
Your, 'almost sex scene' was hot!

There were some things that i noticed which could do with you taking a look at. Firstly, the chapters are not set up correctly. Lines are split in the middle of sentences and if i hadnt liked the premise so much i would have stopped reading as it was really off putting.

The opening line - sport cars. Shouldnt this be- sports cars.
there was a line which needed breaking up. - "play your role well. New line. I reminded him...
- I dont know where they took Gabriel, but hes gone. - Try ' I dont know where they have taaken him, but he is gone.
- Or (of0remove) reassurance
-my handsome husband didnt look like him(self)
-progeny(,) i will give you
-for assurance (that) i was pay9ing attention.

Also, the chapters are very long, you could quite possibly break up the first chapter into two even.
A really good start though, it made me want to read more.

A bit more of a description on Gabriel and your on to a saucy winner.

Kind regards
Claire C Riley
Limerence

Club Grimoire R2

Hi Nancy, sorry but i have'nt changed my mind.
I know loads will love your writing and story but I really can't get my through it. It's the Amelia character; she is getting on my nerves with too much descriptive phrases. She is naive.
Like the setting; dark, eerie, gloomy. However, that usually comes after many years of marriage...not on the honeymoon night!
A few nits;
"I happened to like this old, I mean historical hotel"---who is actually saying that line. In fact much of your dialogue is confusing not knowing who says what.
Elevator trouble again; The elevator door clicked open....CLICKED!
Later; "I can't believe your mine....etc"...He was joking...surely? --- Why that comment? Stop talking and get on with the marriage ritual in bed. Too much talking and thinking. She should get an annulment.
However; all the best with it.
Pat

Engrossing plot, I must say, as I've continued reading. One thing though, and I mentioned it before: cut back on narrator commentary. It'll make the writing more succinct and powerful/dramatic. :)

Oh man, this is good. really good. One thing I would suggest is to tone down on the narrator's commenary---it makes the story more tell than show, which is not what you want. But overall:
pace is great
characters are believable, and I empathize with Amelia
Plot is tantalizing

one thing though, isn't it a *brotherhood* so she shouldnt be able to join, since she's not male, right?...but other than this, very good. I'll read on!

Backward Glances by Nancy Lopez
I don't usually care for book like this, but I think you have creative writing.
In some ways it is rather funny with all of the situations that happen in the beginning. I don't know, but I chuckled a few times. :)
Anyways, the plot develops well and the characters come to life to the reader right off the page.
You have put a lot of time into your book and I like how well written it is.
The pitch is well crafted as is the title.
Good job!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Hi there
I have read chapter one, and was drawn to Mia. You build tension very well and write sensually, which teen girls will looooove! I really feel with Mia's character you have captured the nerves and excitement and naivety of a teen bride. She is so into Gabriel, but nervous and unsure of herself and of him, and what he is thinking at the same time. I thought that was great and captured a young brides anxieties nicely!

I have concerns with Gabriels character, however. Please don't be offended by my directness, because I mean to give helpful honest feedback, and you can take or leave it of course!

Firstly pretty much everything he does in chapter one makes him come off as a bit of a selfish jerk, and not someone Mia should ever want to see again after what he has done to her. Firstly, he takes her to a hotel that creeps her out, apparently on purpose. I'd call that cruel, and really extra nasty considering it's their wedding night. So that makes me immediately wary of him, and wondering if he is a baddie, someone I am not supposed to like.

Secondly, he has told her nothing about his mysterious past and identity, and waits until their wedding night, really? The wedding night!...while they are on the wedding bed...mid passion...sort of... to tell her very briefly that big scary men are about to barge in and take him away, and that basically he has signed her up for a life or death order and she won't see him again until maybe never...and she might die. Really? What a jerk! How could he do that to her if he loves her? I'm just not liking this guy at all at this point! Is that ok Is that what you have intended as the author?

Also, his poor me I'm an orphan who had a tough upbringing back story' feels inserted just to build sympathy for him, and I didn't buy it. By this point, I was already wary of him, what with his moods swings and being cruel to his new bride, and risking her life and all. See my point?
I'd really would like to like Gabriel, and feel sorry for him, and for you to build up how loving he is towards Mia for me to feel any sympathy for him and desire for them to reunite. I think it would work better if he came across very early as tense and anguished because he knows what's coming, yet loving and tender towards Mia, frantic to have a moment of intimacy and connection with her before they are parted, not laughing at her and smirking and up and down with his mood like a yo yo.

Apart from that I do want to know how Mia is going to deal with what's happened to her, and hopefully regain control of her free will. So I have watch listed to find out more!

Kata
Twell

Club Grimoire Alternate Critique

Overall, I enjoyed reading Backward Glances. Gabriel was fittingly mysterious, though I felt his mood shifted a bit too much in the first chapter. Master Redmond also was a very intriguing character. The way Mia referred to him as Death made me wonder if that is just how she saw him at the time, or if he is something more. His dialogue does a good job of hinting at the latter of those options. Mia, I felt, was the most well-rounded character so far. At the beginning, she is balancing the joy of being married with jittery nervousness, which soon turns into despair when Gabriel leaves her. However, her reactions are all very believable throughout the first chapter, never becoming melodramatic or understated.
There is just enough vagueness about the circumstances to keep the reader hooked. Who are the Masters, and why do they protect the even more mysterious Lords? Something big is clearly afoot. The backstory, too, is revealed at a steady, natural pace. I thought the emphasis on Mia's parent's reluctance to allow her and Gabriel to marry was well-used.
I did think that the story felt a little rushed at times, mostly in the dialogue at the beginning. If I were writing it, I might go back in and add a few transitions between Gabriel's mood swings. That would take care of the pacing and also make said changes in mood feel less abrupt.
I think you have a promising story here. Also, though it doesn't have much bearing on anything important, I liked your title. It is simple yet eye-catching.
Sincerely,
Cody

I like this very much. You establish a good, creepy tone to the story that will appeal to young adult as well as other readers. The dialogue is smooth and rings true, and you've given us a clear heroine to root for. The main thing that drew my critiquing attention was minor errata that popped up quite a bit involving tenses, grammar, the usual suspects. I've noted a half dozen from chapter one, with my suggested fixes:
"portraits that (cut: covet)(insert: covered) a wall of red velvet (cut comma, insert period) Although a few faces were smiling, their unnatural gaze(s) emanated (cut: a dark presence, just because its singular and will confuse the singular vs. plural conflict) (insert: evil).
"I couldn't help (cut: to)(insert: but) feel sorry for him."
My heartbeat quickened... and (cut: I'm)(insert: i was) suddenly mortified."
"and my chest (cut: heaving)(insert: heaved) with rage.
"and my decision to leave everyone I love(d).
This is all chippy stuff, but it needs polishing. Outside of that the story is lots of fun, and the heroine has a clear arc toward a more heroic character. Plus I really liked "hauntel" !
Best of luck with this.
And if wouldn't mind taking a look at a middle-grade tongue-in-cheek adventure novel, I'd be delighted if you dropped in on The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Club Grimoire Review

I was completely captivated by this!
You have a great voice that leaps off the page - something I strive to get in my own writing - and makes the story come alive on its own. The first scene nicely introduces us to the main characters as well as set the scene and give just enough background info so that we understand, without taking away from the plot. Your language is great, although I found some minor mistakes, like places that should have had a comma, but these are easily fixed with a read-through on your part.

The plot is captivating from the start. I did wonder if maybe Gabriel should have been able to explain more before they barged in, because it quickly got confusing (though maybe that was what was supposed to happen, since Mia naturally gets confused). I was also wondering if he should really mention the reason for joining the Order already, because when he said it so hastily it didn't quite have as much impact as it could've had.

Other than that, everything was amazing and I'm sure this will be published in the near future, at which time I'll buy the full novel and read it from start to finish!

Sabina

Club Grimoire Review

Chapter One

Intriguing first chapter. The idea of the Brotherhood whetted my interests and left me wanting to learn what they are all about, including why Redmond sanctioned the marriage and why he is cruel to Gabriel his underling. I'm thinking maybe Mia has some power that Redmond wants? And why are the Brotherhood so dark and sinister if they war against drug lords? Or is it that Gabriel has been duped by them? These are all things I would want to find out later in the story, and so is a good thing for a chapter one.
The subjective writing from Mia's POV is really well done I thought. The way she reacts to such an aweful turn of events - the inability to get a word out, or to comprehend what is happening until it starts to sink in. The pace of the chapter builds nicely, and the sense of threat, even mortal danger, once Redmond is on the scene, is an effective contrast to the light-hearted beginning.
One thing that did occur to me was that perhaps the story would do better to begin earlier on at the wedding itself. Redmond would naturally feature, smiling and congratulating the newly-weds, which would then give more of an impact when he arrives at the hotel, rather than just telling the reader how he was earlier. Also, on the subject of Gabriel's mood swings, at first I thought little of it, putting them down to a quirk or somesuch. But assuming it's because of what he fears is coming, namely the intrusion of the Brotherhood in their lives, I think you should play them up more.

Overall I reckon this chapter serves well as an opening to what promises to be a thrilling story. Thanks for the enjoyable read.

Arnbjorn

Club Grimoire Review of "Backward Glances" by Nancy Lopez

I would have loved this when I was in high school. Of course, being more mature now means that Gabriel would raise all kinds of red flags for me (and I would have run screaming the other way), but to a teenage girl on her wedding night, her emotions and hormones would be running sky-high—and she never would have seen any of this coming.

I don’t know how you do it, but you capture that teenage essence of being in love and being frightened very well, and I think it’s perfectly plausible that Mia would agree to anything Redmond demanded without question. I can remember that feeling, to follow my impulses with no thought of the consequences. By your pitch it looks as if Mia becomes embroiled in a society she never knew existed until her wedding night.

I only had one thing that snagged me: if she were in her wedding gown, I don’t think the concierge would have assumed that this was a one-night-stand. But then again, I have to put myself in the mindset of a teenage girl, in which case I would have wondered that myself, lol.

I enjoyed this even more the second time around, and I regret that we can only read one chapter for now! I’m looking forward to round 2.

~ Shelley

Club Grimoire,

Excellent writing for YA reader.
Written with a good pace you manage to create a brilliant atmosphere. Mia's emotions are easily felt by the reader and the scene you have created is very visual.
The first chapter is intriguing. Its a brilliant start to this book and I have to admit its got me wanting to read more. Its top marks from me!
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

Club Grimoire Review

Maybe this chapter should be called the Phantom Bride since she's not a real bride as it turns out.

It's a great first chapter, very atmospheric and the story is fast moving, you get right into it.
I love the atmosphere you create with the description of the hotel and Mia's emotional response to it. Brilliant first line 'The dead haunt their earthly possessions'. Liked the description of the hotel as a relics cemetary and the creaky voiced, nasty caretaker and the goat mural. I wasn't happy with the word 'cascaded', maybe 'emanated'? I also wondered about her patience being larger than her fuse. It's a nice original image but as the phrase is a short fuse then your patience would be longer wouldn't it, rather than larger? Very picky I know but they were just things that struck me. Your use of language and imagery is very rich and clever. I liked the mirrors reflecting the phantom bride, really Mia herself. Her attraction to Gabrial is very sensually written. Good stuff.
Like other commentators I didn't like Redmond being named Death for some of the chapter. I found it confusing.
This is a really gripping first chapter though. I should think it would hook any YA reader and it has great originality.

Club Grimoire review
A really good opening line and an interesting situation - however, I did not warm to Gabriel, who seems to have deliberately brought his (very) young bride to a hotel she will find scary for her wedding night. He's already starting to sound more like nasty boyfriend than husband material, and when the reader discovers that he seems to have married her knowing that that same wedding night will be interrupted by Mr Scary, he'll be dragged off to no one knows where and she will be forced to say yes to she knows not what, but which sounds deeply dubious then he loses my sympathy entirely.
I was also thrown by the dialogue between Redmond and Amelia - she seems to understand far more than I do - I know we are promised an explanation at the end of the chapter, but I feel it should come sooner, so that we can understand Amelia's dilemma (also the villain should not 'smirk' or 'roll his eyes' - well, no one should, but it makes it very hard to take him seriously). I also feel he should say less, but tell more...
Anyway, an intriguing start. Good luck.

Club Grimoire

I love this first chapter! It is full of mystery, suspense and romance. I can honestly say that at this point I have no idea what is going on but that hasnt stopped me from wanting to read on.

Your word choice is excellent and the descriptions are a perfect balance of creativity, information and pace.

The only sentence I found I stalled on was "nothing which comforted me" I felt this should be changed to "nothing that comforted me" or restructured. Also, some of the speech from Redmond packs in a bit too much information and feels a little unnatural and personally I dont like how he is called Death from half way through.

I hope some of these comments help although I think this is a brilliant start to what promises to be a thrilling YA Fantasy.

Cheryl x
Luna

Club Grimoire Review - Backward Glances
Nancy Lopez

**The Tower Chapter 1**

(small aside note – you might want to fix the Chapter title)

I’m going to be very bold and offer a suggestion – the words are yours, I just changed the order of the sentences for your opening paragraph.

“Glancing around the creepy clutter of medieval antiques gave me an eerie feeling, raising goose bumps along my arm. The dead haunt their earthly possessions, clinging to anything that might keep them connected to this world. I’d read that somewhere, and thought of it as we stopped into the lobby of the old Addimair hotel. It was our wedding night, and I wondered why Gabriel had chosen this relics-cemetery disguised as a hotel.”

Wow – married at seventeen – so young, I hope the age factors into the rest of the story.

Something I noticed right away is that you use a lot of comma splices. (A comma used to separate two independent clauses, when you should use a semi-colon). This is easily avoidable if you find there are a lot of them by either creating two separate sentences, using the semi-colon as is grammatically correct or reworking the sentence so it holds the same meaning, but changes the flow of the writing.

You also use commas before “and” when it isn’t necessary. Don’t mind me, I also tend to under/overuse commas in early drafts, so that’s probably why they jump out at me.

The couple aren’t off to a good start to their wedding, arguing over their hotel. It seems cruel to me that Gabriel would purposefully book a room in a place he knew would upset his young bride. It also seems very selfish.

“I saw that the old coot was admiring at my dress.” – needs rewording.

Mia seems very young and naive, I feel bad for her and what she might be getting herself into, and I’m finding that the more I get to know Gabriel, I don’t really like him. You don’t give any indication of how old he is, so that also makes me wonder.

And as Gabriel’s past barges in on him in the form of Redman, I like him even less. How could he put someone he loved enough to marry in danger? If the reader is supposed to be sympathetic towards him, then a bit more information than he was found on the street, abandoned and neglected might be necessary. (my opinion – so please take with a grain of salt).

The guardian-thing threw me off a bit. Assuming Gabriel is still alive, why would she need a different guardian? In Canada, a 14 year old has medical emancipation, at 16 he/she can drop out of school and parents can’t do anything, they can even move out and while the parents are legally responsible for their care (room & board), they can’t do much about the decision of the child. At 17 (in Quebec) a teenager an drink and at 18 they are legal. If Mia is already 17, she would have no need for a guardian. Many children move out as teenagers – I’m sure each country has their own official rules, but the children themselves can’t be all that different. I understand that you need to put Mia in Redmond’s care because of plot developments – but something about the telling of this part doesn’t work for me.

I am, however, glad to see that Mia has strength in her to stand up to Redmond, to question Gabriel’s actions and to find what she needs within herself for self-preservation.

At the end of the chapter, I find myself wondering exactly what Mia had agreed to.

This is a decent start to a very intriguing story. Who is Gabriel really? What mission did Redmond send him on? How is Mia involved in all this? There has to be a reason Gabriel wanted to marry her before she was 18. For the most part, the writing is smooth and the few grammar issues that are present can easily be ironed out with a thorough edit.

Jenny

Club Grimoire review
Hi Nancy,
The following comments are on an ‘as I read it’ basis, so praise and problems, and just my personal thoughts, are mixed all together!

I really liked the play on hotel in ‘hauntel’. Excellent! The opening scene was well crafted, I had a good visual image of the place, and could feel Mia’s nerves, anxiety, and her anticipation of her wedding night. The clerk at the desk was great, too - in the way he was eye-balling Mia, and in his throwing in the ‘haunted bride’ tale.

“I have money to burn, and I’m still not good enough for you.’ Didn’t feel natural - maybe leave out him saying ‘I have money to burn’ altogether - or add it in when you tell us Gabriel is a Forex trader. At this point it seems that Mia’s parents are more concerned over her young age as opposed to how wealthy her husband is.

Maybe ‘Gabriel was a successful Forex trader with money to burn...’ would work?

I had thought Gabriel was older (being a Forex trader), so mum thinking they were crazy to marry at ‘our’ age tripped me up. Everything else about Gabriel so far suggest he is older and very much wiser than Mia. Then later we find out he is only nineteen.

I don’t know - maybe it’s just me, but he just doesn’t come across like a nineteen-year old boy ( I have one - lol). I get that he’s supernatural in some way (probably decades or centuries older) but I assume he’s presenting himself to the world as a nineteen year old - hence mum’s concerns. If he was presenting himself to the world as, say, a young man in his twenties, I’d have found him and the age concerns of Mia’s parents a little more believable.

Dialogue: on the whole it all felt fairly natural and flowing in the first part of the chapter. ‘Your green eyes are so dark...’ didn’t feel natural, though. If you leave out ‘green’, and clue us in to her eye-colour elsewhere it would. People do comment on a person’s eye color, but the natural way is to say ‘your eyes are...’ and then add something about the color that backs up whatever it is that strikes us about the color.

Typo: the room spun for a ‘spilt’ second - ‘split’

In the second half of the chapter, the dialogue begins to lose me a little - not so much in terms of what they are saying, but that Amelia - supposedly completely ignorant of all this backstory - seems to immediately understand what is about to happen to her, and why.

As a reader, I didn’t understand clearly at all. This is her wedding night to the guy she loves, and suddenly his ‘uncle’ bursts in and orders her husband away on a mysterious mission. Gabriel gives her a very brief ‘go with them or we both die, trust no-one they are deceptive and scary’ explanation, followed by a uncle Redmond’s announcement that he can’t kill her and Gabriel, but she must go to this ‘Land of Shadows’ - which Amelia successfully interprets as having something to with death. She also understands that Redmond is ‘the bringer of Death’.

I can see in an overall sense where this is going, but since we are experiencing in from Amelia’s POV, it makes no sense that she suddenly ‘gets’ all this. I’m really sorry if this sounds harsh, but my confusion is genuine - I had to re-read the dialogue several times to try and figure it out - and I still couldn’t see how Amelia came to this clear understanding so easily and so quickly. The info is dumped on her and it is dumped on the reader - I just cannot see or believe how she understood all this so quickly.

I think perhaps this section just needs to be looked at again for clarity - the plot tensions and conflicts are all there, but at the moment ‘suspension of disbelief’ is completely lost.

I’m guessing the tale is in the vampire genre, although I could be wrong since the word is not mentioned in the first chapter or pitch. If that is the case, then I think this first chapter is relying too heavily on that pre-knowledge by the reader, to the detriment of the words and story development on the page. My personal feeling is that if the words, and Amelia’s POV, addressed the scene and plot from the premise that she, and we readers, had no idea that vampires really exist (or any other supernatural being, if they are not ‘vampires’) it would be connect us more strongly to both Amelia and the predicament she is in.

Ok, putting aside the issues regarding that last section, I think this story has real promise - there are elements of romance, danger, the supernatural, and plenty of tension and conflict to draw readers forward. You have a flair for adding little touches that help to round out your characters as well as some great descriptive touches. Your writing style is smooth, and with issues of clarity sorted, I think this will be an entertaining read for the target audience. Wishing you all the very best with it!

My Club Grimoire read,
A strange story that races down the page like an express train and told in the first person makes it very immediate.
We are introduced to a secret society that whisks the bridegroom away on his wedding night and the master who may be a villain of an avenging angel.
I do not usually read this type of paranormal literature and I hate stories about Vampires and such, so you will realise this is not my cup of tea.
Nevertheless, I can see that you have made a good start. Ray Jones ,(Druids)

Club Grimoire Review

Really interesting concepts and storyline. This brings a very unique idea to the YA genre. I guess my only issue is that I don't understand what this wierd alliance is all about or why all of this has to be. Now, I may have answers in the next chapter, but as of now I just don't see what all of the fuss is about. I'm also not sure why I should feel bad for mia because she and Gabriel were torn apart so soon from the start. I mean, why should I feel terrible about their situation? Just some minor thoughts.

Overall, nicely done! It held my interest, which is hard to do, so I applaud you on that!

Brittany E.
Melaney and the Mirror

Club Grimoire Review
I think the pitch filled me with too many expectations, all I found was a nice 70s horror story massed with information dumps in the dialogue and corny action. Sorry, not for me. The short pitch at the beginning is very good, though.
DJC

Hi, Nancy,

I've just backed your book. Will you have a look at mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith? If you do, many thanks.

Best wishes,
John