INSIDE DEAD

INSIDE DEAD-R D M

Dear Patio,

Here’s the promised read. I’m glad I’ve read a couple of chapters from your work. Sadly, I notice you haven’t had a comment for such a long time.

It’s indeed a well-written book from the voice of Richard or Ben, telling his compelling story, “in a dark time; on a backward island” called Jamaica. Your descriptions contribute greatly to create the atmosphere of Ben’s world. My, my, backward it is, in human terms, and it’s not too long ago. As Ben was born in 1976 and the story starts in his early teens, we are probably talking about mid-late 80’s. Yet, again sadly, this is what happens in all neglected societies around the world where human rights are not a matter of concern for the ruling governments. I am no stranger to this.

Ben’s world is full of abuse, starting from his Dad, at home, and amplifying in ripples within his environment; from his mean Pastor, school teachers and headmaster, to uncaring social workers, corrupt policemen, Dad’s constant introduction of new step-mothers, and old men who frighten him with stories of ghosts and monsters since his childhood. What an unfair world for a young mind and soul....I feel a great empathy for Ben...The only person he feels love for is his mother, he calls Blossom, (what a lovely name) who has been kicked out of his home by Dad long time ago. Blossom is the only person in his life, who is kind and affectionate towards him with motherly love, yet he sees her so rarely and he misses her. Dad is the typical backward figure only ruled by his sex urge to satisfy his basic instincts.

So, in this wonderful island of my dreams, despite the warm sunshine, the wonderful nature, the abundant fields and crops, life is difficult for young Ben who suffers greatly from the abuse he gets from all aspects of his life.

Well-done, high stars for the moment, will back you nearer the desk, Best wishes and good luck, Sebnem-The Child of Heaven

P.S.Some edit notes:
1.I recommend that you do a “but” and “and” search and insert the required commas before these conjunctions.
2.I also recommend that you break your first chapter in half, at an appropriate point, creating a page turner. It is a long chapter and would encourage the readers to continue with the story.
CH II
“I will not fight in school. If (a) student hurt(s) me, I will report them (him) to staff...”
My grand-uncle would visit Jamaica and I buy....” this sentence needs to be corrected
I hated what he had done (to) the children and me.

I think you should add more to your short pitch, needs more drama, intrigue. This has a good storyline, and well thought out plot, also well written. One small critique- you need to add a few lines of description- to the settings and characters. Give the reader an image to carry the story along. Overall very good- enjoyed reading your book- high stars- Mark Stone.

Interesting to see a book with so very many comments (although I did notice there are quite a few duplicates) and quite hard to comment on it with that in mind. So I am going to comment purely on my gut instinct, which is that there is a good story in there somewhere, well told, but it needs a lot of work from a skilled editor to bring it out.

I have only read the first chapter and I did find I was tempted to skim read towards the end as it was not holding my attention fully. There was quite a lot of description which could have been cut considerably without losing anything of the narrative.

And I start out with some difficulty. It is clearly a book about abuse, a very personal piece with a lot of tragedy, but I'm not getting that from the start. I'm having some difficulty understanding why/how a physical relationship with a cousin was such an issue, especially as the half brothers seemed to accept it. A very quick bit of internet research suggests sex between cousins is not illegal in Jamaica, though clearly you know best, and that it's perhaps not even all that uncommon. So based purely on what I have read so far, I don't understand why it causes such evident anguish.

If the "Predator" is deliberately withholding food from a child, that is clearly abuse. If, however, a child has just taken a dislike to his father's latest partner, that is something else entirely and perhaps doesn't draw quite as much sympathy.

To be fair to this book, which clearly has promise, I shall come back at a future date and try a few more chapters.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

Tottie Limejuice
Sell the Pig

So, I finished reading the first chapter and I have to say that it is very well described and detailed. The sentences flow really well and I enjoyed reading the chapter. One thing is when the Dad says "Shut up your mouth" it should be "Shut your mouth", unless that is the way the language is suppose to be then disregard that lol. Another thing would be when you explain where you can find the story of David and Goliath, everyone knows of the story and I felt like adding the piece of information where it could be found was useless and didn't need to be in the story. But other than that it is really well written. Well done.

-Katherine

I have read the first chapter and it amazing, I will make sure I finish reading this book. I am glued to reading it, it;s that good. It is for sure a must read.

Just read Chapter Two, I find it a very interesting tale, and it is a very harrowing account which intensifies even more in the second chapter. The shockingness of the abusive history is put across by the mini-accounts of different events all stacked up one after the other, it's a barrage of anecdotal misery and remembering. Having Blossom as one good thing throughout is reassuring, and I particularly liked the description of names - real names are rarely used but for official ceremonies. This came across a bit into the description - 'It's alias was darkness.'

Interesting read and I'll be continuing :)

I've only read the first chapter but it was a great one. I'm so sorry about this is this is what had happened to you. I think your writing is excellent and has a nice flow to it. I hope to get back to this one soon. High Stars from me and the best of luck to you. I'd love for you to take a look at one of my books, when you get a chance. Thanks for sharing your story with us!

-Lyn

Inside Dead:
I've rarely seen a book with so many comments and thought I'd take a look.
Whenever I begin something written in first person, I cringe. Why? Because I wonder how many time I will be drenched in "I's". IMO, the best "first person" book is the one which uses "I" very infrequently. It's difficult to do but a good writer can pull it off. I've read and commented on a couple here, all well written but a couple with the "I" problem.
So, here I am beginning a read of the book that currently holds position 23.
Sorry but I'm immediately put off by all the "I's". Unfortunately, I just have a hard time reading I, I, I, I. As an editor, I would immediately send this author back to his computer to see how many "I"s he can remove. It would be the same if I read something that used the word, "than" on a regular basis.
Keep in mind this has nothing to do with story line, composition, style, flow, arch, etc. Whenever a word is overused, it can really hurt the rest of the writing, imo.
Some examples:

First paragraph: I'll never forget, I sat, I heard, I didn't have, I'd already had, I was close...

Second paragraph: I was just seven, I loved my mother, I was twelve, I even considered, I saved myself, I was too young...

Third paragraph: I used a survival plan, I struggled, I reflected, I wouldn't have suffered, I watched...

Fourth paragraph: I did protest, I was encouraged, I saw, I was sitting, I noticed, I immediately abandoned, I did not want, I sat in a corner, I rested my elbows,....

On to the paragraph beginning with, "I hope she doesn't come in here," I said, I didn't use, if I, I would've blasted, I used to refer, I stood up, I was ready, I frowned, I wasn't scared, I pierced her....

The list goes on and often becomes even more frequent. There are places where two or three sentences in a row begin with "I".

My intention is NOT to denigrate this book in any way, but as an editor, I can't ignore this common practice with unpublished first person novels. As I said, it's difficult to write first person without overusing "I" , but it can be done, and used sparingly, it will take this book up several notches.

~Joe
Isles End

Hi Patio

Your story is very harrowing, and if this all happened to you I'm very sorry to hear it, it must have been very difficult at the time. I can see from your profile that you've chosen to write in a mixture of languages. Obviously you have strong command of these, but especially at the beginning of the first chapter I did feel a little overwhelmed by your descriptions. I can see that you wanted to use repetition to emphasise just how horrible things were, but it sometimes comes across, I hope you don't mind me saying this, as overly dramatic and unnecessary. The description of actions alone might be enough, I'm not sure you need all of the extra adjectives.

Hari

You mentioned you wanted people to view later chapters, so I went for C14

You have vocal anger, and then verbal anger. You could use other ways to mention shouting, arguments etc... it just felt a bit too soon to use a similar way of saying the same thing. you could even use 'unloaded her anger' it enough of a difference to not stand out at much as vocal and verbal.

I like your imagery, especially “rammed my head and intestine with the force of a tsunami”



The amount of description is sometimes unnecessary, and repetitive.

For example you explain how the bed had no covers, and you slept skin to skin... but then you say “sat down on the coverless bed”. You don’t necessarily need the adjective, as the reader already knows it is coverless.

I found this throughout the chapter, and it made sentences long and hindered the flow of them.

You mention the August 2011 mob attack on the house, but then you mention it again. I think you were trying to show the reasons why stress levels were rising. But it felt repetitive, the reader already knows about the attack, I would just join the attack together... so the bit about Ellie and the initial attack details, rather then come back to it to mention Ellie.

I like how you ended the chapter, it is a great way to make the reader want to turn the page, rather than stop at the end of the chapter and read on in a few days or so.

I found sentence structure a bit choppy and muddled. But I was wondering if it was colloquial language
“I moved on to spending time with my amusing son... trial was still being held against me” Is an example of this. I would have stopped the sentence at “Social Services” and then used a new sentence to explain why, because of the trial.

Another point on that sentence is, sometimes you use a lot of words to say something, which could be cut down easily and enhance the flow. “that objected to me seeing him while a trial was still being held against me”... it’s quite a long way of saying that they didn’t want contact because of the trial.

But as I said in my earlier comment, it is definitely a story worth telling, and from your rank on authonomy, it is clearly liked.

I wish you all the best

Ras1010
BattleDress
http://authonomy.com/books/47192/battledress/

This harrowing, brutal tale is told in a literary fashion. There is no doubt the writer has a great command of the English language. However it seems at times too literary for the memories of a young boy. Some of your work flows beautifully and in others I had to keep going back and re-reading sentences which is disruptive and can be annoying. The golden rule is to keep examples to three. You say the bullies at school called him names and then listed every single subject, every room and area in the school, simply saying they bullied him in the schoolyard and every classroom and even the library would suffice. Likewise the scary stories the elders told went on too long - again three would be enough. I agree with others that you need to read the story aloud or get someone else to so you can hear where the story gets bogged down and tongue-tied. The most important thing is the story and the main character's feelings, ditch any words or sentences which don't move the story forward. It is an incredible story and deserves to be published, just work on it a little more. It says a lot that the book is so high in the ratings. Well done and good luck!

This harrowing, brutal tale is told in a literary fashion. There is no doubt the writer has a great command of the English language. However it seems at times too literary for the memories of a young boy. Some of your work flows beautifully and in others I had to keep going back and re-reading sentences which is disruptive and can be annoying. The golden rule is to keep examples to three. You say the bullies at school called him names and then listed every single subject, every room and area in the school, simply saying they bullied him in the schoolyard and every classroom and even the library would suffice. Likewise the scary stories the elders told went on too long - again three would be enough. I agree with others that you need to read the story aloud or get someone else to so you can hear where the story gets bogged down and tongue-tied. The most important thing is the story and the main character's feelings, ditch any words or sentences which don't move the story forward. It is an incredible story and deserves to be published, just work on it a little more. It says a lot that the book is so high in the ratings. Well done and good luck!

Regarding editing, try and remove some of the alliteration in the very beginning: vile, vileness; close, closure; horrendous happenings. Also, "dreadfulness" after "vileness" doesn't really give a break to the reader. Choose the one that must stay for effect and tweak the rest. Pay attention to your descriptions-sometimes it seems as though you're trying too hard and it comes across as forced or confusing. For instance, you specified which hand (I can't find the sentence) but it didn't add to the story and is distracting, hence,should be removed. Look for similar situations where descriptions do not help your story along. Start with the most obvious--other reviewers have also pointed to the same. The reference to bible location is not necessary and distracting from the actual story. You have a few layers of editing to go through but there is a good story to be told here. Try to reread it as though you are seeing it for the first time. That writing tips link by Darla F. is a good guideline to get you started. Good luck! ZM

Richard, this document is harrowing in its detail and truthfulness. Your recall of your life [because it has to be true, this could not be made up] is excellent. I loved your descriptions of life in Jamaica and the culture there, where Duppies and superstitions coexisted with a lively interest in church and religion. Your spelling and punctuation is fine. You main character is sympathetic and likeable. One thing I would suggest is that you hold back from giving us judgmental statements, for example about the incestuous relationship of your father and his cousin. You don't need to tell us how horrible it was, her actions put that message over clearly. Let the events of this young man's life speak for themselves. Good luck with this book, it has an unusual subject matter and I hope HC will take an interest in it. Best wishes, Frances K

Hi RDM,

I read the first two chapters of your book, 'Inside Dead,' although I have read it before.

Your harrowing story is promising and you pay good attention to detail, especially the body language in your confrontation with the Predator. And your story gives a good sense of place.

However I think it would flow better if you tried to reduce the length of your sentences, and the amount of adjectives you use.
eg.'Psychological pain that generated from thoughts of what my friends might have said to me about the disgraceful situation interfered with my appetite, and so I didn't eat any of the fruit that littered the farms, food from the shops, or drink water from the many mini-lakes. '

Instead you could simply write, 'Worried about what my friends thoughts might be interfered with my appetite, so I couldn't eat or drink anything.'

You have already told the reader repeatedly about the 'disgraceful situation.'

I think you need to do a good edit. I liked chapter two with the story about your birth.

You have done so well.

Good luck with it,

Carol Jefferies
(A Prince Unboyed)
(Love for Lilian)
(A Kinsman's Chattel)

Overall, I like chapter 1. It grabbed my attention and held it the entire time. Good job! There are a couple of things that I thought I might point out, since that's what I assume you wanted when you solicited my review. I got a little confused in a couple of areas, which is not a good thing to do to your reader. First: I had to reread a couple of paragraphs to figure out that the "predator" was your father's cousin and the same woman you identified early on using the same designation. If you had first told me that she was his cousin, I wouldn't have been confused. The second spot was when you went into the story about the preacher who made you climb the tree; I wasn't sure who you were talking about and had to reread.

Also: you didn't need to tell us where to find the story of David and Goliath. Everyone knows the story, so it was useless info - better left out.

I was also a bit surprised at what "crimes" the predator is guilty of in this chapter. From your early description I would have thought that she had chained you up and molested you. Maybe she does later in the book - if not - then I feel your early description was a bit excessive and the story won't support your lead in. If it's how you felt as a little kid (the whole chained up and molested thing verses the incest of the cousin with your father), then maybe it could have been expressed with that in mind.

Hope some of that helps;
DB

I've read the first chapter and liked it overall. Your sentences tend to be terse which, in my opinion, can either give energy to the text or make it choppy. I think this style is appropriate for a story that begins with such a chaotic series of events, although I did see some areas where I would suggest edits.

I'll continue reading and write again with a more constructive review. For now, though, congratulations!

The story promises chaos but turns out to be a little chaotic. The writing structure needs a lot of polish. Often the quickest way for a writer to get a thought across is to say it without all the hyperbole. For example:

“And I was close to closure, rationalizing horrendous happenings that started in infancy.”

I’m not exactly sure what that sentence even says. If you mean the troubles started when you were young, you should find a cleaner, less ambiguous way to get that thought across.

In the beginning paragraph, I would lose the month and year there. They don’t really add anything but clutter. “I’ll never forget the morning of the 15th.”

“It was the police with vile info and a warrant to place me in custody.”

A clearer way to say that might be:

It was the police with a warrant for my arrest. They had a vile story to tell of my misdeeds, although I no longer had the capacity to be vile. I had already lived a lifetime of doom.

Overall, I think you have a suspenseful story. It just needs some work. This is a website that I find helps focus my fiction stories. You might get some tips from it.

http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/creative-writing-tips.html

I hope that you will take a minute to read some of my current book.

Good luck,
Darla

It was the police with vile info and a warrant to place me in custody. I didn’t have the capacity for vileness....whats a 'vile' info?? This leaves me feeling slightly confused

Dad brought her home when I was twelve and within a matter of weeks, she mauled me with perversion that messed up my head, so much so that for a while I even considered jumping off a cliff, eating pest poison or drowning myself in a pond....I would suggest that this is a REALLY long sentence. can you shorten it?

to power up his I-do-my-cousin thing and wine to loosen up her I-take-my-family sling...i like the rhyme here

I hope she doesn’t come in here, I said in a faint voice. ....ok, if he said this, it needs to be in speech. If he thought this, then keep it in italics

I stood up and looked out as fear gripped me....looked 'out'...where? Out the window? Out the door?

Then adrenaline, fight or flight, kicked in. ...suggest: Then fight or flight kicked in: a surge of adrenalin

“Get out or I’ll knock you out!” I warned her with a puffy face, pumped chest and raised fists. ..love this decription. Really gives a sense of how the MC is feeling inside by an external description.

I called her into the range of an uppercut with an extended hand and menaced fist. ...suggest changing this to: I said, calling her into the range of an uppercut.

“Let’s settle this,” I then said with a clockwise and anti-clockwise head spin that sharpen my focus....change to: "Let's settle this." I said, moving my head clockwise and back again to sharpen my focus

she tried to ...she said, trying to change...

story, David and Goliath, ...change comma to colon

The change of behaviour ...change 'the' to 'this

“Shut up your mouth!” ...shut up your mouth? consider shut your mouth

I walked until aerobic respiration kicked in and released glucose-morphine which eased my anger, frustration and feelings of disappointment...this is clever, and nicely done...but can you justify why he would be thinking like this later on in the book? If you can, great, maybe hes a med student or something. if Not scrap it, he wouldnt know this

Basically, he slammed me with the offensive F-word and B-word for walking on a piece of his vacant land when he spotted me from a distance. Then he stormed towards me with a machete in his hand. ....love it

a mile away Round-a-river. ...put a full stop after mile

But I fought to live not to die. ...put a comma after 'live'

imposed restriction on me.....'imposed such restrictions upon me'

“Climb up and pick me two coconuts,” he aggressively ordered.....change the comma to a full stop

“It’s extremely windy,” I begged pity....same. full stop

chop off your hands,” he ....same

to happened,....to 'happen'

k out of church. Dad’s needless beating... change the full stop to a comma

Not sure about you repetitively mentioning the grumbling in his stomach, perhaps narrow it down a little bit.

I didn’t go to school for weeks or walk the streets....put 'After this@ before the sentence, or after it. Out of placve, present tense but describing the past

Its water...It's

Im sorry I dont have any time to gop through the rest of it. Your story was pullling me in, but (see my profile) I just dont have the time to say anymore :-( I like what youve done and the story is great, you've just got quite a lot of typos that need sorting.
high stars, 5/6, and if you find the time my link is:

http://authonomy.com/books/49419/fragmented/

All the best on Authonomy!!!

Rachel

xxx

R D M,

This is a very interesting read, although i must say that the style is not to my personal taste. These experiences have obviously been distressing and hard, and to write about them is an amazing thing. Congratulations.

I do think this could be improved with a few edits, however.

Excessive use of adjectives can be tiresome to read at times, and it also means you are explaining to the reader a little too much - most readers like to come to conclusions themselves. For example, 'I didn't have the capacity for vileness. I'd already had a lifetime of dreadfulness' - would possibly be better worded 'I didn't have the capacity for vileness. I'd already had a life-time of it.' Again this is personal opinion, and totally subjective.

Overall this is incredibly vivid, emotional and intriguing. I do want to find out what happens.

High stars.

Good luck with all your endeavours.

-Joseph Sale

Wolf Rising

R D M,

This is one of the best written books I've read on authonmy if not the best. Your style and way with words made me feel like I was right there.
Rated, backed, and on my shelf.
You may say thank you for this, but I say thank you for bringing this book to my attention.
One critique, which I shouldn't even put in because I do it all the time myself, is; Don't overdo your descriptions. When you describe something, like the birds Ben caught, leave it at three.
I think you might enjoy Immigrant song. Check it out when you get a chance.

Jon Schafer
Dead Air
Immigrant Song

Wow! I'm hooked at the very first paragraph. Your pitch is so simple and really attracting. I love the way you describe the characters' emotions, really good and I can even feel them. But I think you should work a bit harder on environment descriptions. But overall, It think it's a good book.
Backed!

Have a look at my novel!
Faruq Chevalier
Flawless Ritual

What a harrowing story! I've read the first four chapters and will read more as soon as I get a chance. I hope your story has a happy ending. You did a good job in your descriptions of Jamaica and the culture.

Lori
Parallel Lives

Your colourful words bring the backdrop to life; for a moment it felt like I was in Jamaica. The story however is harrowing and it must have taken tremendous strength and courage to write these words.
K. Willman

This book is well writen and the MC Richard is someone to adore. I love his stremgth through out his many hardships. It kept me rooting for him and I even shead tears through it as I read. Richard is a character no a superhero I could look up two.

This is definitely a distressing story. Somehow through such heavy burdens Richard stays true to himself and grows stronger through each grievous trial. I'm sure this work can be a source of strength to many.

MiriamNConde
The Immortality Experiment

I've only read the first two chapters. I hope your protagonist gets to reunite with Blossom soon. This is very good.

Kristi
Casting Shadows

Draws you in well! I wish there was more (don't want to spoil anything for anyone who hadn't read it), it is very well written and the detail is awesome, very well done.

You have put so much emotion into this opening chapter. The writing is deep and starting to flow with the story now. I think this will be a book that is going to serve you well the more you put into it. Stick with it as its a little cracker.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)....Please consider me for a read wont you....Happy New year.

I am up to chapter eight and I must say this is very harrowing. You have written with such a unique style that every word seems essential. Your writing has incredible detail, but is never boring or padded out with waffle. I'm glad you gave us a feel of the good things that life provided in Jamaica. All the fresh produce and rural references are fabulous and even the mention of Bob Marley. Terribly sad and I do hope it has a happy ending.

Cathy xx

This is a very interesting and intriguing bit of text. I am not a grammar expert, but I couldn't seem to find any major flaws. This is a fascinating chapter. I wish I had started earlier so I would know more about the setting. A good job with this, it would be enticing to most. The recollection of the three tales wherein her eye is in danger, are very good and nice additions to the chapter.

Maxwell

RDM, This is so much better! You have found your flow and let the reader in. Continue like this and you're on to a winner.
Aspiring Author

Thanks for letting me take a chance on reading this, normally I would usually stick to my own genre but I'm glad I didn't this time. You asked me if I would check for punctuation in a later chapter and I must say I'm not very good and finding errors especially with something I really like as it pulls me in, this one of those stories, I love the way it is written and it flows really well. I wish you all the best on reaching the editors desk and I would gladly support this book.

Matthew JD Evans
Trial of the Golden Puzzle Box

RDM, This is so much better! You have found your flow and let the reader in. Continue like this and you're on to a winner.
Aspiring Author

R.D.M,
I read nearly all of your first chapter and I loved the way it was written, and I do wish you the best of luck with your writing. But I couldn't get into it. So what I am going to do is I shall read another chapter sometime for you.
I hope you understand, as I do struggle to read/enjoy book on the internet. I don't know why,
Best of luck, Ellen.

R.D.M,
I read nearly all of your first chapter and I loved the way it was written, and I do wish you the best of luck with your writing. But I couldn't get into it. So what I am going to do is I shall read another chapter sometime for you.
I hope you understand, as I do struggle to read/enjoy book on the internet. I don't know why,
Best of luck, Ellen.

Thank you for inviting me to read a chapter. Well, it was different with many short,snappy sentences that, suprisingly, worked. There were some punctuation errors; one being: 'The ill-feeling intensified as darkness fell, when...' The comma was incorrectly placed. Do you or friends read your work aloud? That helps with punctuation and ensures flow. The dialect is noticeable but is fine. There is good imagery that helps to explain the sad and abusive childhood. To me it is written as a man trying to explain events as a child would which must be quite difficult. Well done, keep going.
Sara

You tell your story with precision and care, letting the reader into your young mind. Very sensitive subject but told well. Your writing flows and th descriptions pain a clear harrowing picture in the mind of the reader. You've tackled this subject amazingly well and are very brave to tell your story. I can't commend you highly enough.

Wow, I am so sorry that you had to endure such a horrible thing. May God take the pain away and heal your heart. Your story is very well written and moving. Reading this I could feel the hurt, the anger, the sadness of the little boy. (you) This story certainly grabs the reader's attention. You are a very good storyteller. I wish you luck in your writing career.

Dear RDM,
This is not an easy book to comment on, especially from a style point of view, and therefore I will limit myself to expressing my overall impressions.
You have succeeded in portraying the place that you grew up in, the people - their way of life and their mentality -, your experiences - which are shocking, intense, emotional. You have eloquently expressed your thoughts about those experiences. There are several images that I absolutely loved, my favourite being; "I hugged the tree like tights around legs as my blood raced and limbs wobbled".
What you haven't succeeded in, for me, is portraying how this place, how these people, how your experiences made you feel. When a person feels that their story is important enough to write about (and yours absolutely is) they have to be ready to expose themselves. In an auto biography you can't write about how other people are feeling, or about how they think about a certain situation. It is as if the book has only one character, and that character is you. I personally would like to see more of that person (and what you have written has made me want to ) because it is evident that that person, you, has experienced things that someone like me, your average reader, can only imagine.
Many of the comments below have said that this feels like a first draft. I think it's way ahead of that (I did dozens, so I know something about what a first draft looks like!!!) but it does feel as if your story is not complete. For me, there needs to be more emotion from your part - if you can express that as well as you have expressed everything else there is no reason why Inside Dead should not be a success.
Aspiring Author

RDM, I read the first three chapters of your work. The pacing is well done, and not at all is the piece overwritten. The grammar is fine by all that I can see.

What I particularly like is how this doesn't read in the staid style that sometimes befalls nonfiction. How the writing flows from one historical to the next strikes me more as well plotted and thought out fiction. Plus, the spookiness of ghosts and tales, as well as the richly detailed Jamaican island life, truly add authenticity. In all, well written and engaging. I look forward to reading more.

David
"Mensch On Wheels."

Hi, I've just finished going through your book. I read the introductory two chapters, skimmed the middle ones, and then read through the final three.

On the whole, your vocabulary, especially dialogue between characters, stands out from a lot of authors' due to the patois you mention in your synopsis. I think that could provide appeal to broad communities. Same for the nature of your struggle. I hope you will find a niche among readers than can identify with what you went through.

As you asked for some specific grammar points, I have to say on the whole nothing struck me as glaring. Your use of short sentences in places, especially the early parts of Chapter 1, seems to suit your style. I was say more of those, as they were more powerful than ones where multiple dependent clauses start showing up. If you find some sentences much longer than those around it, considering breaking it down into two or more sentences. This is not something I'm stating as a general rule; I just think it would work well for you.

For some specific issues, in Chapter1, Predator is introduced. Soon after, you mention a “breach of biological bond”. It’s not clear to me what a breach of biological bond is. I would assume it's something like Siamese twins disengaging themselves, or a child leaving its mother. Maybe you can adjust the term, or explain it. I also found it confusing to determine who confronted you in the sitting room later in the chapter. Predator? A family member? Is Predator a distantly-related family member? It wasn't clear.

At various places in the book, I found that small ideas were discussed in charming detail, but the background to big decisions or changes wasn't outlined. For example, in Chapter 14, you simply convince Lexy not to abort her child. That seems huge. How did you do it in just one brief sentence?

With regard to grammar, I noticed in Chapter 15 that the “media glare that zoomed me throughout my region, the East Midland” could use some polish. I don't know "zoom" is the term you're going for, as I couldn't guess what it meant. Harassed you? Followed you?. Also, you need an "s" after "Midland".

When you discuss the mob attacking your house, the transition to that topic there seemed very abrupt, with the immediate background potentially benefiting from some more exposition.

As to your final chapter, you may need a comma after "stress", in the first sentence. The concluding sentence of the chapter struck me as better suiting an introduction, or the book's synopsis. You get freed by the courts, ending a protracted struggle. The short paragraph after the not guilty verdict I feel you might want to rework, to seem a bit more aspirational or elated. Something huge happened to you. I feel you have it in your writing to convey something bigger to your readers as the final note of the book.

Still, best of luck with everything, and I hope you don't take these comments as criticism. I don't want to give useless and undirected feedback. If you get a chance to read through my book, "I Full Try, Sir", I would be much obliged.

Powerful stuff told passionately, but there is a bit of 'flab' here - as a number of other commentators have said. Overuse of 'signpost' words like 'then' and 'therefore' can become distracting and also have the effect of diminishing the immediacy of the story. That said, you evoke this world really well and create a memorable character in your narrator.

Adrian (Pozzo)

This book has a good plot and it seems to be told well, however, it looks like a first draft. What publishers hate more than anything else in the world is a first or second draft. This could be a good book, but you need to do a couple of more rewrites. It will be worth it. Four stars

Hey, I like this, you have a strong story here. All I will say is that if you worry it does not flow grammatically or something like that, try reading out loud to yourself. If you get tongue tied, try re arranging the sentence a bit.

I'm torn. This story obviously has a great deal to say about tragedy ad overcoming it but it reads a bit funny. I think that was intentional though and although I usually stay well with the fiction catagory when I read most stories I can appriciate the message you're trying to convey here.

I think it still needs a lot of polishing though so keep working at it because it obviously means a great deal to you.

Good luck (^_^)

I have read the first three chapters. It dpoes jump around a lot but that does not take anything away from the story. I agree with some people that there is too much tell and not enough show. The language is appropriate for a rural Jamaican story and gives the writing character. I am watching it for tyhe moment as I want to take time to read more. Good stuff, I have enjoyed it so far.
Bruce
A Successful Outcome

This is a very powerful story about an incredibly traumatic journey for a young man who finally triumphs through the power of experience and knowledge. Awesome!

At this stage, I do not think that grammar is a major concern as many of the turns of phrases show the narrator's voice and individuality. I think what lets this story down is the fact that many of the most important events are skimmed over without the kind of details that allow the reader to actually "feel" what the narrator is going through or “see” the other characters clearly enough. eg, when he goes to visit Blossom for the first time, all he thinks about is her food. I don't get any idea of how much he misses her as a person, which is yet another reason for him to resent Predator, whose abuse is mostly hinted at in opening chapters. Therefore, as a reader, I'm not entirely convinced except mostly through accusations. Also when he shares houses with various women in chapter 10, I get the idea he is being objectified, but it all feels like a summary of a much more intense story.

My suggestion, if you have not already done so, is to take a look at other published memoirs to get an idea of how to make the narrative become more lifelike, as the reliance on "telling" does tend to lesson the emotion that I feel as a reader. There are so many great details about Jamaican life that are presented here as facts instead of part of the story in dialogue, actions etc as a way to round out characters, setting etc. I loved the tales told by Ode, Nab, Sam-Cole etc, but you might want to think about ways of weaving them in more naturally and spreading them through the story so that the setting becomes as much a character as the people within it. For the subject matter and the story alone, this piece deserves high stars, but if much of the telling could be dramatized, adding perhaps 20,000 to 30,000 words to this novel, I'm sure it could easily earn a full star rating.

Carol
"Heart Fire"

You do a very good job at bringing the reader immediately into your story! Your main character is so likeable while the father and his various women are horrible...good job!
High stars.
Jessica
A Place to Call Home

The emotional "power" in your story is very clear! You are sharing an incredibly personal experience and offering it up for the world - bravo!

I enjoy the pacing - it left me almost breathless to follow along and see what happens next!

There are some minor missteps with the language here and there - nothing overly bothersome but even tiny ones can 'distract' a reader. A professional edit might help smooth some of that out - but be sure to keep your own flavor!! You have a distinct voice.

I like the idea of starting with a current "BANG" and then doing the flashback to keep the reader guessing.

It feels like a very powerful story, with an important message. You do a great job at creating a full picture of your world with out getting lost in over description.

Look forward to seeing where it goes!

Best wishes,
mE